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wife is staying with friends - says she's "done"


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Old 26th December 2017, 10:32 AM   #1
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wife is staying with friends - says she's "done"

My wife and I have been together for 10 years, married for 6.

Recently my son came to live with us (then 8 years old, now 12) and I did not do well adjusting. I became angry with him when he would "bother" me (he just wanted to show me his stuff - a lot). I think I acted this way because my wife was so upset with the change of him coming to live with us. She cried and told me the first weekend how it felt like we weren't even together when he was here.

It was then that problems began with he and I.

I also got involved in a bunch of negative discussions on the internet and I know that drove her crazy (politics mostly). I became a very negative person over the last 3 years and until two months ago I wasn't working.

Last week we argued about traffic and I was a complete ass, I mean really bad. We don't yell, but everything she says, I invalidated with "logic".

This went on for two days, she wouldn't discuss it, she's the type to bottle up her emotions. I forced the issue on friday and she left. At first she said she's going with friends for a few hours, then I asked her why she is leaving while we are upset with each other and she blew up.

She said that I am not the type of father that she wants for her kids, that my parenting style "sucks". That I am always negative about everything, traffic, life, spending money, etc. She was right.

I didn't handle the change into parenthood very well. I know that. Since she left I have made it a point to be more available to him, we do more together and he is much happier.

I have removed political stuff from my facebook account. unfollowed 100s of fb friends that post political crap. I'm really making an effort (for me) to be more positive (I have to, for my own sake and my son's).

I have cleaned the entire house, I was the type to stockpile little "projects" and I have since thrown them all out, the closets are empty and there is more space everywhere, it feels good.

Communication so far:
I sent this the morning after she left: "I had no right to act surprised last night. I've known you feel trapped for a long time. I always want to talk out problems when in reality this one has to be solved with actions. I always ignore what you say if I disagree, and that is so wrong. There is no way to ignore how badly I have damaged our marriage. I shouldn't have to ask what is wrong, especially when I already know. I should trust my instincts even when you can't bring yourself to tell me.

With or without you I have to be better for myself and my son. I don't have the relationship I want with him. I am not ready to give up on our marriage, but I know space will do us both good and I intend to respect your boundaries in a way I never have if you decide to come home. We should not be spending every single minute together, for so many reasons. I feel like we'd be much happier if we just started over. If you decide it still isn't what you want down the line, I think I can finally accept that. I don't want to be with you if it isn't what you want. I want you to have your interests and time with your friends, and I want to pursue the same with mine.

I'd like it if you'd come home and enjoy our xmas. I will be mindful of your boundaries and I don't expect you to discuss this with me anymore. I know what I have to do and I put it off for too long.

I love you, Name."

She replied back saying:
"I'm done, Name. But I do have to work tomorrow, so I gotta come get my work clothes sometime today. I'd rather you weren't there when I do."

I said: "We'll work it out later. Son's Name is getting up now."
Then a few hours later: "Probably not going anywhere today. Logan is enjoying his presents, I'm not eating. It's just not a good time for an outing.

Then Later: "Send a list and I'll get everything ready for you. The guys and Name will be here later so I can have one of them run it down."

She replied: "Grab all the black pants hanging in the closest, and my shirts are in the dryer still. Needs to be restarted if possible... And my vest."

I said: "Son's name already took care of your shirts. Got it. Anything else?"

She said, that's it, I said come by whenever. She then asked for a few more things and I packed them too, chargers and etc.

asked me to leave it on the porch I said just come get it, I won't explode I have to be alright for my son. (She's used to me being quite emotional, but I kept my cool.) She asked if it was ready, I said yes, she said she's gonna "grab it and go" and I said "Ok but I think you're picturing me in a different mindset."

She came to the house and I was there to give her the bag, I also told her to open one of her presents, because we had argued about it (new vape) because I didn't wanna ruin the surprise, she did and forced a smile. I told her that we really need to talk sometime, we can't leave it like this after ten years. She looked like she agreed, and nodded her head. I said I love you as she left. No response. That was Saturday, 3 pm.

Sunday I had to go get water and a heater from her job, I avoided her. She didn't see me, but I saw her.

There has been no contact since then. Today she messaged me saying she needs to get more clothes and stuff, asked if we can leave for an hour or so after she gets off, said she's gonna write the rent check, but she needs her debit card back (the account is in her name).

I haven't responded yet. I don't know if I should leave the house, stay here, pack her stuff for her, or what to do AT ALL.

I want our marriage to work, I know that will take significant and lasting change on my part and I have made/am making these changes, but she can't see it.

What should I do here? Thanks for any advice.
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Old 26th December 2017, 10:37 AM   #2
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Send her flowers to where she is with a note:

I am very sorry. I love you & don't want to lose you. Let's start fresh in 2018. I would like to try marriage counseling. Please give us a second chance.
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Old 26th December 2017, 10:42 AM   #3
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Give her some time and space. Christmas is a hard time of year plus her emotions will be running very high.

In a couple of weeks or a month, ask her to meet you somewhere public to talk. Keep it public so she doesn't feel threatened and also so she knows you can't blow up.
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Old 26th December 2017, 10:45 AM   #4
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Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
Send her flowers to where she is with a note:

I am very sorry. I love you & don't want to lose you. Let's start fresh in 2018. I would like to try marriage counseling. Please give us a second chance.
I worry that this would seem like pleading. I've never sent her flowers, but it does sound like a halfway good idea.
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Old 26th December 2017, 10:46 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
Send her flowers to where she is with a note:

I am very sorry. I love you & don't want to lose you. Let's start fresh in 2018. I would like to try marriage counseling. Please give us a second chance.
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Originally Posted by heartbrokenlady View Post
Give her some time and space. Christmas is a hard time of year plus her emotions will be running very high.

In a couple of weeks or a month, ask her to meet you somewhere public to talk. Keep it public so she doesn't feel threatened and also so she knows you can't blow up.
I said blow up, but what I mean is being clingy, wanting to talk about the marriage, etc.

My biggest question right now is should I leave while she comes to the house or should I stay here and be cool?
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Old 26th December 2017, 10:48 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by StoicHusband View Post
I said blow up, but what I mean is being clingy, wanting to talk about the marriage, etc.

My biggest question right now is should I leave while she comes to the house or should I stay here and be cool?

Give her what she wants for now. If part of her complaint is that you don't listen to her, show her that you can.
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Old 26th December 2017, 10:52 AM   #7
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Do you want to have a power struggle or fix your marriage? She thinks you don't care & you are this angry guy. Unless you show her that you genuinely care about her & her feelings, this marriage is over. Begging is not a bad thing. Being clingy is a bad characteristic in a new dating relationship. Showing your SPOUSE that that you are willing to be vulnerable & sacrifice for the good of the entire family is warranted here.

Everything you have been doing & not doing (failing to ever send flowers in 10 years) hasn't worked. Perhaps it's time to shake things up.
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Old 26th December 2017, 10:56 AM   #8
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How many times has she asked you to change your behavior and you didn't?

What can you do to get her to believe it now?

She may be hurt beyond anything fixable. Some people save up all their anger and when it finally does come out, it way too late to make repairs.

She could very likely feel the same things you do but however you were such an ******* to her she doesn't trust you. You don't make her feel safe and happy.

What the hell are you doing to your kid? His parent's can't even even be adults and you expect him to act like one? He's learning to become an adult by watching you so unless you want him to act like you do you better fix that crap and show him a different way.

I don't want to sound cruel or mean when I say this. You need to prove to her your serious and not just saying it again for the uptenth time.

I'd give her space, you do you and whatever you need to do, when shes ready, IF she ever will be again, she'll come home.

Keep in mind the good ones often have plenty of guy to choose from so either step up and be the man she needs or step aside so the next guy can.
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Old 26th December 2017, 11:02 AM   #9
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How many times has she asked you to change your behavior and you didn't?

What can you do to get her to believe it now?

She may be hurt beyond anything fixable. Some people save up all their anger and when it finally does come out, it way too late to make repairs.

She could very likely feel the same things you do but however you were such an ******* to her she doesn't trust you. You don't make her feel safe and happy.

What the hell are you doing to your kid? His parent's can't even even be adults and you expect him to act like one? He's learning to become an adult by watching you so unless you want him to act like you do you better fix that crap and show him a different way.

I don't want to sound cruel or mean when I say this. You need to prove to her your serious and not just saying it again for the uptenth time.

I'd give her space, you do you and whatever you need to do, when shes ready, IF she ever will be again, she'll come home.

Keep in mind the good ones often have plenty of guy to choose from so either step up and be the man she needs or step aside so the next guy can.
And you think I haven't had these same thoughts. Did you even read my post? I'm looking for solutions, not reasons to be down on myself. I've got enough of those.

I came here honestly, and I'm being honest with myself too. Name-calling really isn't the best way to make your advice take root.
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Old 26th December 2017, 11:10 AM   #10
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I am being better to my son and I intend to keep it up. I'm doing better around the house and at work and I intend to keep that up, too. I know what has to be done, and I'm doing it.


The problem is there's no one here to see it, I really want her to come back so there will be accountability, I never wanna be the man who pushed her away again.

She's my wife and I want her to be happy. I know I can make her happy. I can do the things she wants. How can I get her to see that if she's not here and won't talk to me?
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Old 26th December 2017, 11:14 AM   #11
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Sometimes we wake up after the party is over.

That’s what happened in my marriage. I realized I was wrong and tried to change at the end, but it was too little too late.

That may be the case here. Even if it is not the case, it’s her choice to stay or leave. Her decision. You trying to force or manipulate the issue only delays her ultimate decision. If she wants to go, let her go cleanly.

It would help if you were truly stoic. Understood what that meant and were able to do it. The behavior you’ve described to this point is far from stoic. Not even close.

The stoic man doesn’t get angry with his son over petty issues. Doesn’t argue with his wife. Doesn’t cling to negative and offensive political views. And doesn’t impede his wife when he’s driven her to the brink and she wants to leave.

“Stoicism teaches how to keep a calm and rational mind no matter what happens to you and it helps you understand and focus on what you can control and not worry about and accept what you can't control.” LINK

If you were truly stoic, your wife wouldn’t be leaving.

But, that’s water under the bridge.

What can you do today?

Be calm. Stop begging, apologizing, and explaining. Control what you can control. Accept life as it comes.

That means peacefully letting your wife make her decision.

Then work on being the best man you can be - whether she stays or leaves. And the best father you can be to your son.

There’s no shame in having lots of learning and growing to do. We all do. We can’t change the past. We can only be the best we can be in the present. Right now. Today. Strive for that - your best self. It’ll change your life. You deserve it. Your son deserves it. And your wife deserves it.
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Old 26th December 2017, 11:19 AM   #12
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She's watching whether you think she is or not.

Trust=Integrity over time

I still don't read sincerity in your words. I don't read anything that makes me, as a guy, think your taking ownership or your actions. OH you say you are, you say you did, But have you? Overnight? Can you change your behavior/personality style overnight? The most prominent thing in your words I get is defensiveness. The same behavior that got you into this mess to begin with.

I'll add to the above. You seems to be wanting to change FOR HER, not FOR YOU. That right there is the problem at hand.
FOR HER isn't what she wants or needs. She is likely looking for the guy that is what she wants, not one that just acts like it.

Last edited by Mr.Me; 26th December 2017 at 11:24 AM..
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Old 26th December 2017, 11:25 AM   #13
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Originally Posted by MidKnightDreams View Post
Sometimes we wake up after the party is over.

That’s what happened in my marriage. I realized I was wrong and tried to change at the end, but it was too little too late.

That may be the case here. Even if it is not the case, it’s her choice to stay or leave. Her decision. You trying to force or manipulate the issue only delays her ultimate decision. If she wants to go, let her go cleanly.

It would help if you were truly stoic. Understood what that meant and were able to do it. The behavior you’ve described to this point is far from stoic. Not even close.

The stoic man doesn’t get angry with his son over petty issues. Doesn’t argue with his wife. Doesn’t cling to negative and offensive political views. And doesn’t impede his wife when he’s driven her to the brink and she wants to leave.

“Stoicism teaches how to keep a calm and rational mind no matter what happens to you and it helps you understand and focus on what you can control and not worry about and accept what you can't control.” LINK

If you were truly stoic, your wife wouldn’t be leaving.

But, that’s water under the bridge.

What can you do today?

Be calm. Stop begging, apologizing, and explaining. Control what you can control. Accept life as it comes.

That means peacefully letting your wife make her decision.

Then work on being the best man you can be - whether she stays or leaves. And the best father you can be to your son.

There’s no shame in having lots of learning and growing to do. We all do. We can’t change the past. We can only be the best we can be in the present. Right now. Today. Strive for that - your best self. It’ll change your life. You deserve it. Your son deserves it. And your wife deserves it.
I understand that. Thanks for the reply. Stoicism is something I discovered in the last 6 months and have put into practice. For instance once she left I didn't sit and cry, I cleaned the entire house because it's in my control. I spent more time with my son, I've given up cigarettes.

That's the shame in this, I feel like I finally have the tools to progress and she's gone. You may be right, the party may be over.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr.Me View Post
She's watching whether you think she is or not.

Trust=Integrity over time

I still don't read sincerity in your words. I don't read anything that makes me, as a guy, think your taking ownership or your actions. OH you say you are, you say you did, But have you? Overnight? Can you change your behavior/personality style overnight? The most prominent thing in your words I get is defensiveness. The same behavior that got you into this mess to begin with.
Defensiveness, no. I don't think you do, or can, understand our relationship and you're reading into a lot of things. Thanks anyway, really. I imagine you are trying to be helpful.
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Old 26th December 2017, 2:18 PM   #14
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She said she wanted to pick up her things from the porch and leave, that is what she wanted and you wanted to give her the things face to face and give her the gift.


She asked you not to be there and you were there with people.


Now she is asking to come by to get her things without you being there and you are asking if you should be there.


She is telling you exactly what she wants and you cannot even give her the courtesy to respect her wishes and leave the house for a short time so she can get her things without running into you. You are still putting yourself first. How frustrating that must be for her.


The answer is she is not going to walk in and say, wow, you changed, let's work it out. She is going to be driven further away because what she does see is you still not respecting her wishes and making it harder for her to get her stuff without having to deal with you at the moment.


Today she messaged me saying she needs to get more clothes and stuff, asked if we can leave for an hour or so after she gets off... I haven't responded yet. I don't know if I should leave the house, stay here..."


It should have taken you 5 seconds to reply back, "let me know what time and I will leave until you text me back that you are done". The fact that you didn't really speaks volumes.
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Old 26th December 2017, 2:57 PM   #15
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She said she wanted to pick up her things from the porch and leave, that is what she wanted and you wanted to give her the things face to face and give her the gift.


She asked you not to be there and you were there with people.


Now she is asking to come by to get her things without you being there and you are asking if you should be there.


She is telling you exactly what she wants and you cannot even give her the courtesy to respect her wishes and leave the house for a short time so she can get her things without running into you. You are still putting yourself first. How frustrating that must be for her.


The answer is she is not going to walk in and say, wow, you changed, let's work it out. She is going to be driven further away because what she does see is you still not respecting her wishes and making it harder for her to get her stuff without having to deal with you at the moment.


Today she messaged me saying she needs to get more clothes and stuff, asked if we can leave for an hour or so after she gets off... I haven't responded yet. I don't know if I should leave the house, stay here..."


It should have taken you 5 seconds to reply back, "let me know what time and I will leave until you text me back that you are done". The fact that you didn't really speaks volumes.
[/QUOTE]Defensiveness, no. I don't think you do, or can, understand our relationship and you're reading into a lot of things.[/QUOTE]

What I hear is: Arguing....You told me you know better and that I must be wrong.

[/QUOTE]Thanks anyway, really. I imagine you are trying to be helpful[/QUOTE]

What I hear is: You dismissed my opinion. MY opinion you asked for and inserted yours instead.

Arguing, avoidance, dismissal or attack mode are not one of your options if you want the other person to feel validated.

When someone looks you right in the eyes and says "Your being an...(insert word here)...you only get one way out. That's look at them back and say "oh...okay, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that." Then you check your self and change your wording or your attitude or your approach because the intent is always with the listener, not the speaker.

See what I'm trying to say? I'm not at all intending to be mean or hurtful or spiteful and I'm sorry if it's coming across that way. I'm just trying to explain, maybe poorly, how your wife MAY feel based on what you posted above. I'm trying to get across to you that your actions and behavior and attitude may not line up with what you think they do. This is very common and very hard to conceptualize as communications barriers among us all. I struggle with it my self sometimes.

A wise person once told me "There are three of you...the person you think you are, the person you really are and the person that everyone else thinks you are. Separating these three is the hard work you have ahead.

I encourage you to think about that for a little while and then ask your self. I'm I being the person I really think I am, am I being the person everyone else thinks I am? Are those two things in line? What can I do to get my point across without degrading others feelings?

Hint: The answer is always the second one.

Last edited by Mr.Me; 26th December 2017 at 3:05 PM..
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