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Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 25th December 2017, 11:31 AM   #1
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How do you have the conversation?

Hi everyone, new here. Apology for my English, not a native speaker.

Not married, but in the breakup thread, everyone talking about a 2-5 years relationship, whereas mine has been close to 20 years now and we have lived for the past 15 years.

The first 4-5 years was good but I think partially because it was still a honeymoon relationship period and I was helping her deal with her abusive ex. She walked into the relationship with 3 wonderful kids whom all called me dad now, I walked in with none.

However, I am now looking to end the relationship as a few things happened and has affected me physically, sexually and mentally.

Approx. 6-7 years into the relationship, we lost our mid child (Cancer) and I poured everything I could to make her feel better.

1. 9 year mark, I sold my rental property to buy a house for us. She had not finance but demanded that we moved to live near her kids. My Mom helped with part finance but there was no compromise, I wanted to live in the middle between my Mom and kids, she said no and picked a house as urbanly far from my Mom as possible. My Mom was hurt and this took close to 2 years for my relationship with my Mom to heal.

2. Started a business together, or so I though. When it cames to applying for the business finance, we put in both our names with both our incomes as support but in the night I was arranging docs to finalise the loan, she will not give me her financial.
Advise her that I work in the bank and we NEED it to finalise the loan, she told me no and if I were to take her financial without her approval, she will report me.
I end up doing the business loan alone with fund borrowed from my family.

3. I still wanted to provide for her. She was meant to do the book but citing 'I don't understand this and that' - even after I looked at book keeping courses for her to do; she was too interested in spending her time with her newly purchased horse. (The business went well and made money).
She only did the payroll, which was close to 2hr per fornight work and the business paid her $2k pre-tax. After the business got better, I told her I now need to start owner redraw to get my fund back and to put through $2k after tax for myself, which really worked out about $150 more than her per fortnight. Baring in mind I was still working in my FT job and going into our business weekend and weeknight, probably pulling 12hr/week.
She lost it, demanded to know why I should be paid MORE than her until I put my foot down.

Just to add to this, I have always been a fit physic. Been lifting and martial art since I was 14 and bare a few year stopping, I am still very active. However, 2 years after moving into the new house; she refuses to be intimate with me.. and our fights always centres around it.

I remember one night, I told her I was feeling 'lonely' and will like her to come to bed early.. I went to bed at 10, at 1am.. I was still waiting, only to come out and see that she was watching a show. Asked what it was.. and she off hand told me, thinking that it was TV, I though I should not disturb her cause she might missed the show.

The more I watch, the more it was weird as there was NO commercial. I asked her what channel this was, only for her to tell me this was a new DVD series she bought. That really hurt and I told her if that's the case, I am going to move to the other room.. there is no intimacy. We had another fight.. the constance 'fight regarding sex' has now mentally affected me whenever I think about sex, I think about the fights we had..

It was very common for me to go for months without, sometime 4, most time 8 and as of today -it's been close to 2 years.

I have ONE life to live and I am no longer happy... I am sorry this is such a long write.. my question and I hope someone can help me..

It's Christmas.. when is the best time to have the conversation and, how does one start?

I am thinking, 'I still do love you.. but I am no longer in love with you and our paths have distance so much. We are no longer compatible and I do not want to prolong this and eventually, to even stop having the love for you in the end.

I am no longer happy and I have but one life to lead.. forgive me but I do not this is something healthy for me anymore'.

Unsure if this is relevant but:
Finance wise, I have brought everything to the tune close to $800k into this.. the business I mentioned went bad and I lost close to $1M. I am gifting the house to her and my share will go to our daughter.

She keeps her $120k car.. and I am going to walk away with my cloths, PC, weights and that's all. I can start over.. I just want to be happy..

Before you ask, I am not longer willing to 'work' this out.. we've tried.. it goes good for a while and then start again, her nature is that she will not change and I am too old to go through this cycle over and over and over again.

Last edited by IReallyLovePuppies; 25th December 2017 at 11:33 AM..
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Old 25th December 2017, 12:00 PM   #2
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If you are 100% certain on ending this relationship, no "maybe, if only, what if" or any other type of hesitation, then you sit her down, TV off with no kids around and tell her that this is not working for you any longer. You've tried and have received no compromise from her end. You will be moving out on X date and will work out a suitable arrangement for child custody and monetary matters. Be prepared for her to completely fall apart.

Prior to this though, you should consult a lawyer to obtain the proper legal advice.

Good luck.
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Old 25th December 2017, 12:37 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by IReallyLovePuppies View Post
Unsure if this is relevant but:
Finance wise, I have brought everything to the tune close to $800k into this.. the business I mentioned went bad and I lost close to $1M. I am gifting the house to her and my share will go to our daughter.

She keeps her $120k car.. and I am going to walk away with my cloths, PC, weights and that's all. I can start over.. I just want to be happy..
Relationships take work and she can't be bothered to give any more, just take and take. I don't agree with just giving her everything and walking away, her kids are grown, you owe her nothing. Is the house in your name only? Evict her. Get your half of the assets, don't agree to any alimony. Sounds like she's used you as a carpet and walked all over you for years, stand up for yourself and push back, force the sale of the house to get your half of the equity.
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Old 25th December 2017, 1:23 PM   #4
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Thank you.. typing this in bed on my phone so apology if there's typos.

She came out to see why I was still up so I don't want this to blow if she reads this.. she is lovely Dovey now as I think she knows I've pulled back.

The reasons I'm not going to go half are because
Although I love animals.. she used to be a vet nurse and we now have 6 rescue cats.. I told her to stop at 5 and came home one day with a new cat sitting on my PC starting at me. Again.. The financial burden on these cats are on me..

I've also paid for and set up a home business for her. She can't get external employment.. she is very good at what she does but she is very short fused.. it's her way or the high way.. don't get me wrong, her past employment was very good but since we got 'rich' from that failed business.. She got a bit high 'class' so to speak. She has also let herself goes completely so presentation wise, she isn't the best. and no..I was still very attracted to her prior when are let herself go.. It was the mental denial that got to me.

So..I can't sell the house. If we go half.. She will not have enough to buy or set up the business and all those cats will have to go and I can't let that happen. And no.. I'm not going to 'that's her problem' attitude... she is still the mother of the two kids that called me dad..

My friend that I confine in tells me I'm stupid but money matters little too me.. I want the cats to be well.

I'll walk away and stay over.. My family is going to help..

I just need to know how to word the conversation and when to do it..
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Old 25th December 2017, 2:10 PM   #5
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To each his own I guess. If was me i'd handle things differently. I think your way too much worried about her then yourself. You have to the one that's willing to make chances, if you not happy. Her being nice to you for a few days isn't really going to solve anything.

Not a cat fan, I'd give those cats to a nice Vietnamese family, I'm sure they find them delicious.

I can relate to the business thing, my Wife wanted to start her own private therapy practice and I supported her. For the first several years I had thousand of extra $ deducted out of my paycheck (of the course of a year) to help her pay her taxes, on top of paying another 15k to settle tax bills because she wasn't setting enough aside for the IRS. All told I probably invested 25k into her business and now that were getting divorce will not see a penny from it. Time will tell if her business succeeds or fails, but it's not my problem anymore. She can easily get a job working for someone else, but she doesn't want to.

Last edited by AngryGromit; 25th December 2017 at 2:18 PM..
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Old 28th December 2017, 2:24 AM   #6
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Going to have the conversation tonight with her.
She didn't know but I think she knows something is wrong as she keeps on telling me she loves me.

Slowly having a panic attack as I'm a rather Meek person and she's always the dominant...

Is this normal? I've just hours in the gym to try and get some endorphins in to help.. but it's not.
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Old 28th December 2017, 8:50 AM   #7
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I am gifting the house to her and my share will go to our daughter.
Hmm. Are you sure? How will you ensure that your half goes to your daughter? If you gift it to your GF then she will be able to do with it as she pleases. There is no guarantee that it will go to your daughter at all.

If you want it to go to your daughter then you should consult a lawyer and find out the best way to ensure that happens, in your jurisdiction.
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Old 28th December 2017, 1:01 PM   #8
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The reasons I'm not going to go half are because
Although I love animals.. she used to be a vet nurse and we now have 6 rescue cats.. I told her to stop at 5 and came home one day with a new cat sitting on my PC starting at me. Again.. The financial burden on these cats are on me..

I've also paid for and set up a home business for her. She can't get external employment.. she is very good at what she does but she is very short fused.. it's her way or the high way.. don't get me wrong, her past employment was very good but since we got 'rich' from that failed business.. She got a bit high 'class' so to speak. She has also let herself goes completely so presentation wise, she isn't the best. and no..I was still very attracted to her prior when are let herself go.. It was the mental denial that got to me.

So..I can't sell the house. If we go half.. She will not have enough to buy or set up the business and all those cats will have to go and I can't let that happen. And no.. I'm not going to 'that's her problem' attitude... she is still the mother of the two kids that called me dad.. ..
I have a feeling that you are treating her like a child. Of course itís her problem. She is grown ass woman who should take responsibility for her actions. You complain about her ways of doing things but at the same time it seems that you created this comfortable position where she needs to take zero responsibilities and all the important decisions are on you. I know itís hard to change the attitude now, but unless you do it she will never become an adult. You canít set up her life for her. Let her work and EARN money for her new house, cars, and cat food. How are you expecting her to be a good mother if she canít even provide her cats with decent care, Iím not even talking about the kids. Donít leave her the house and money, you might really regret it later. What if you meet and another woman and want to ha e kids with her? You will have nothing except your laptop and a rental apartment. Think about yourself, think about your future and what you can do now to make environment better for your new partner and possibly kids in the future.
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Old 29th December 2017, 6:40 AM   #9
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Had the conversation while my heart was slowly breaking.. I was on the verge of trying to make it work again and stay but my guts tell me it'll be about cycle.
I'm at my Mom now and missing her and my furkids like crazy..

Just to answer everyone questions.. the house will be in her name and we'll talk to the daughter.. If she end up not giving it to the daughter.. I'll sort something else but that's out of my control.

I know my capability and I know I can start again easily.. as for future, I don't intent to have kids.. as for walking into a relationship with nothing.. takes me 4 years to built up.. I'm not worried.

Everything you've wrote Jane is correct.. I came from a family where my Dad treated my Mom badly and I told myself the gal I'm with.. I'll always take care and she will never go without. Her last relationship.. the ex was not nice to her either.

I basically went polar opposite but I can see now I went too far and really caused her to be too dependant on me.. that's my failure and sin. So giving her what I have is only right.

Regardless of what's been said.. Those are my kids as well as the financial burden.. I'm happy to pay. I never knew how many friends thought I was.. too good for her until today when I had conversation with 2 of my closest.. sometime you do not see what's right in front of you.

I just hope one day she knows how much I still love her but this is the best paths for both..

Last edited by IReallyLovePuppies; 29th December 2017 at 6:43 AM..
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Old 29th December 2017, 9:23 AM   #10
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Hi OP, how did your wife take it? What was her reaction and how did she respond to you? I am sorry that things came to such a pass but I think a lot of it has to do with your attitude toward your wife. I think you put her on a pedestal and that is always wrong. However, you are now done and dusted and should concentrate on rebuilding your life anew. Just bad luck for your wife. I guess in time she will realise how and where she went wrong. Too bad she didn't wake up in time and smell the coffee. Warm wishes.
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Old 29th December 2017, 10:48 AM   #11
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the house will be in her name and we'll talk to the daughter.. If she end up not giving it to the daughter.. I'll sort something else but that's out of my control.
If she ends up not giving it to your daughter then talking will be pointless. It will be too late for you to do anything. You will have lost it.

If you want it to go to your daughter then you should put in place provisions, now, rather than giving it to someone who may or may not follow your wishes in the future. If you give her the house then it will be 100% hers. Who knows what will happen? Maybe she will get a new partner in the future and have more kids, or he will have kids of his own. Then the house will be split between your daughter and all the others...
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Old 29th December 2017, 11:33 AM   #12
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If she ends up not giving it to your daughter then talking will be pointless. It will be too late for you to do anything. You will have lost it.

If you want it to go to your daughter then you should put in place provisions, now, rather than giving it to someone who may or may not follow your wishes in the future. If you give her the house then it will be 100% hers. Who knows what will happen? Maybe she will get a new partner in the future and have more kids, or he will have kids of his own. Then the house will be split between your daughter and all the others...
Once she finds a new partner.. And I hope she does soon.. I'll look at putting something legally in place.. Actually.. you are right, I should look at it now.

I can't put it in my daughter's name now cause in Australia where I'm from.. Anyone that has never bought or own a house will get government help in the purchase.. if I put her name into it.. it won't be fair cause then her and her family will lose this help and they are looking to buy a house their own.

She isn't a nasty person..I know she will not take the house and not give it to our daughter.. I've been with her for the better part of my life, I know she loves her kids a lot.. this why she demanded to live near them.

My concern.. And you are right, is if she finds a partner..

As for how she took it when I told her, she took it very very very badly. She keeps on trying to tell me a lot of what I talked about.. She either didn't know it remember doing but now it's our in the open.. we can work on it. I've checked out 2 years ago.. I didn't want to go through the cycle and The damage and lost of trust twice.. If I wasn't financially savvy from working in the bank.. We would have lost the business.

I think she knows it's coming but.. how so I even weird this, we still do love each other a lot but on her front, she been in a few relationship to know she'll never find anyone like me.. I don't have a temper. 19 years and I think I've only screamed at her 5 times and that was when i was so so stressed in life..

I've never laid a hand on her.. although I'm not the neatest guy.. I always help with the house work.. Laundry..I do the ironing.. if she's tired or I'm not working.. I'll always cook her favourite food, I give her back massage when she sore.. neck message etc. I always tell her how beautiful she is and within my power.. She never gone without for anything.

So.. She is very sad she lost me.. I'm not perfect but I treated her like a princess.. sometime I wish I wasn't so nice.. Then she'll hate me.

It was truly one of the worse moment of my life.. Right up there with when I watch my dog of 12 years slowly died in front of me and our son taking his last breath from cancer.

Watching someone you still love so much.. And her heart breaking cause you have to part.. I don't ever want that again.

Yes.. We've been through a lot.. That's why what happened really hurt me.

Last edited by IReallyLovePuppies; 29th December 2017 at 11:37 AM..
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Old 29th December 2017, 12:14 PM   #13
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So giving her what I have is only right.
Man, you sure do have a lot of guilt and self-loathing. You really do believe that you deserve nothing. Starting over will be a whole lot easier and quicker if you have something in the bank. You should love yourself enough to keep your half. Your whole line of reasoning is questionable... I mean seriously, because of cats? I have a feeling that you'll be starting over with nothing many times in the future. No shortage of people who'll take the other side of that deal.

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Old 29th December 2017, 12:35 PM   #14
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IReallyLovePuppies, there are many things in your posts that lead me to believe you're a wonderful man! So, I respect you for your kind heart.

That said, it would be my hope for you that one day you'll have a loving relationship with a woman who will treat you right. In order for that to happen, though, you're going to need to learn that you have value as a person and also learn not to let others use you and trample on your good intentions toward them.

In order for almost all women to want to be physically and emotionally intimate with you it's imperative that you demonstrate that you respect yourself. One of the ways of doing that is to stand up for yourself in a relationship. There are other ways of doing that, too, such as taking care of yourself physically, working hard at life goals, etc., which you have done a great job at! But, this one thing, standing up for yourself in a relationship is something you need to work on in order to grow as a person.

One of the reasons your exW tells you she loves you and changes for a little while after she is threatened with losing you is that she gains respect for you when she sees you're close to leaving her. With that respect comes desire for you. Then when you stay with her and allow her to trample on you and your rights she loses both respect and physical desire for you and treats you with disdain.

You would have done her a great kindness to have stood up to her while you lived with her. It is not all your fault that your marriage failed but it's not all her fault, either. Basically, you enabled her poor treatment of you by continuing to be her slave. And most probably you'll repeat this in your next relationship unless you get some help.

Imo, you would do yourself a great favor to consider getting professional counseling.

Also, please see an attorney and find out what is rightfully yours financially in the divorce. Giving her everything is not a kindness to her. It is continuing the enabling that went on during the time the two of you lived together.

If you really are concerned about her well being, then you need to split your assets and allow her to function as an adult, taking care of herself. It is a disservice to her and especially to your children to give them everything taking nothing for yourself.

Children (even grown ones) learn by example. It is very important for them to see that you value yourself and your future by providing for yourself financially in distribution of the "marital" assets. This will teach them a great life lesson, that being it is important to treat your SO with respect and that a person is not entitled to take all that another person has worked for.

You very well may save one of your children from going through the heartache both you and their mother are going through if you stand up for yourself and take part of the assets you accumulated over the years.

If you don't have the courage to do this you are teaching your children one of two things. 1. To be users and to take advantage of other people or 2. To devalue themselves and to allow others to trample on their rights and to disrespect them.

Do you want to have your children choose either of these unhealthy ways of behavior, thereby contributing to probable failure in their own relationships?

Do everyone a favor here and do the right thing. Divide your financial assets fairly according to what your attorney suggests and what the court approves. And get some professional help.

Last edited by LivingWaterPlease; 29th December 2017 at 12:41 PM..
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Old 29th December 2017, 1:12 PM   #15
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Yes.. because of cats.
I love animals unconditionally.. not going into the stuff I've done but yes.. cats, all 6 of them little ****ers.

It's not self loathing.. I can't word it... But at the end of the day, she will always be the Mother of my child.. I don't regret giving her what I have.. I know a lot of you fought for your asset.. I don't want to fight.. not that I think she would anyway.. 19 years she's been with me.. as Neil Diamond said in his divorce.. she deserve every penny and more.

Seriously.. I have a strong family and they are helping me.. She doesn't.

In 40 years.. Most if us would have checked out and money means nothing.. as long as I am not hungry.. I know my kids are well and she is well... I may not have saved the world with some invention but I'll leave this world given more than I've taken

you are both right.. I'm soft. I'm one of the guy that.. Pretty much 100% good guy without the bad boy. I admit it's pathetic really.. and I do have a friend that's really piss at me but at the same time.. Care for me and trying to get me to change.. no..I did not leave my gf for her.

Next relationship. I don't know. Not thinking that far to be honest.. most gals prefer good mixed with bad boys anyway so doubtful I'll find someone.

Both my kids are beautiful and very strong.. they do have my belief and love of animals.. But not my DNA and their real dad is a hard arse so they have that in them.. Which I am glad.

I don't know.. Can you get counseling to learn be more dominant? I never knew that..

Yes.. I'm looking after myself physically as well.. The endorphins really helping me through this hard time.. you guys help as well.. thank you so so much!

One thing.. in discussion with the lack of intimacy.. she told me she was going through mepnopause.. that's why she did but why sex. Alright I understand that.. I was hurt that she would not even consider perhaps a fortnight just to spend time with me but instead.. Was always aggressive and so angry. But.. I can't blame her fully on lack of sex due to her menopause.

I know you lose all interest.. But.. Is it normal for the husband of bf to forget about sex for 3-8 months?

Last edited by IReallyLovePuppies; 29th December 2017 at 1:23 PM..
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