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When Do You Know Its Time


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 16th May 2017, 8:29 AM   #16
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I am telling you, this woman is not in love with me. She is in love with her house and her kids. She does not need anything else from me other than to fix things around the house, drive kids to places, keep a job and pay for share of mortgage and show up at family gatherings.[/QUOTE]


I'm sorry you are going through that...I'm going through something very similar...I'm sitting here wondering why I still take care of someone who wants to be with another woman...why do I care so much? I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm ready for him to move out so I can just take care of myself. It's no way to live.
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Old 16th May 2017, 9:40 AM   #17
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Originally Posted by jjgitties
(It's also possible she will agree and also ask for the same thing -- which will obviously lead to a whole other set of problems).
I'm confused about this. What other set of problems would it lead to?

If you are considering asking her for an open marriage, then that works both ways. You don't get to ask her for YOU to have the option to get sex outside of the marriage if you don't also give her the same permission. Right?

I can't believe that you would even consider asking for an open marriage just for you and not for her.
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Old 16th May 2017, 11:00 AM   #18
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It does sound as if she has checked out, but that doesn't necessarily mean your marriage is over.

It does sound like you have reached your tipping point. Have you clearly and explicitly told her that? Not just suggesting a separation, but putting it in cold, clear terms.

It might hurt her to hear what you have to say, but she needs to. If you feel like you can't say it, write it, being as clear as you can. The whole reason behind this exercise is to not only make sure she knows how you feel not just for her, but yourself as well. Let it all out, even if it's hurtful to her, but don't get in any unnecessary barbs.

If you can honestly look at everything that's gone on and you feel like you have given it your best efforts, then maybe it's time to call it quits. I would forget the whole "open marriage" concept, unless you are willing for you and your wife to live completely separate emotional lives. It really doesn't sound like that is what you want. It sounds more like you want the whole package, which is completely understandable.

When it comes right down to it, your wife may well be a very different person than she was when you married her. It doesn't sound like the "new" her is someone you want to be married to.
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Old 16th May 2017, 11:33 AM   #19
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When my wife and I were in college there was a pie shop that was about a three hour drive away. She would plot and plan ways to steal the six and a half hours to drive there eat one piece of warm pecan pie with whipped cream. One day I noticed that the little mom and pop shop down the street carried the restaurants pies.....poof she lost all interest in the pie in a matter of weeks.

Point being, you're too available. I wouldn't automatically jump to she isn't attracted to or in love with you. More of a case of she knowing when she is ready you will be ready. Talking to her is pointless if she isn't hearing you.

My suggestion, become less available. Start doing things you enjoy apart from her, stop doing more then your share of things around the house. Stop asking and start demanding, not sex or emotional connection, but respect.

Don't go around talking about separation and divorce if you're not prepared to pull the trigger.
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Old 16th May 2017, 10:35 PM   #20
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I'm confused about this. What other set of problems would it lead to?

If you are considering asking her for an open marriage, then that works both ways. You don't get to ask her for YOU to have the option to get sex outside of the marriage if you don't also give her the same permission. Right?

I can't believe that you would even consider asking for an open marriage just for you and not for her.
Yeah, sort of like that, but maybe a little different. My concern was, if I ask for an open marriage, then yes, that automatically opens the door for her to have an open marriage. And the last thing I would want is to turn our marriage into a permanent open marriage. i.e. complicate my life even further and be raising kids in a open marraige type situation.

The root of my problem isn't I need to sleep around and have sex with other people. The root of my problem is I feel I have zero emotional connection with my spouse. This is exasberated by the fact that we don't communicate or have sex. As someone else on this thread chimed in and worded it much better. than me. The open marriage thing is a much stupider idea than I realized. It would mean my wife and I would be agreeing to live separate emotional lives -- which is the very thing I am trying to get rid of in my life and fix in my life.
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Old 16th May 2017, 10:37 PM   #21
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Originally Posted by DKT3 View Post
When my wife and I were in college there was a pie shop that was about a three hour drive away. She would plot and plan ways to steal the six and a half hours to drive there eat one piece of warm pecan pie with whipped cream. One day I noticed that the little mom and pop shop down the street carried the restaurants pies.....poof she lost all interest in the pie in a matter of weeks.

Point being, you're too available. I wouldn't automatically jump to she isn't attracted to or in love with you. More of a case of she knowing when she is ready you will be ready. Talking to her is pointless if she isn't hearing you.

My suggestion, become less available. Start doing things you enjoy apart from her, stop doing more then your share of things around the house. Stop asking and start demanding, not sex or emotional connection, but respect.

Don't go around talking about separation and divorce if you're not prepared to pull the trigger.
Yes, I will do that. And I also know this will get turned around on me and she will accuse me of turning into an ******* and not paying any attention to her and she will blame me for the end of the marraige. Either way, I am in a lose-lose situation.
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Old 17th May 2017, 11:43 AM   #22
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OP, you sound just like me - our kids are preschool age and we're a little bit older than you. I'm only staying because I don't want my wife's ways (lazy, insecure, immature) to totally rub off on the kids. When she has them, she's sitting on her ass playing games on her phone while the kids are watching TV or playing - when I have them we're outside running around if the weather is nice or we're playing/reading if weather is crappy. She also thinks that acting like a 12 year old is endearing. Lastly, our sex life is non-existent (when you're lazy, anything besides sitting watching TV or playing on your phone requires too much effort).

Sorry for the hijack - your post struck a nerve with me and want you to know that others are in the same boat. We haven't talked about it (talking to her is like talking to a teenage girl), and haven't had any thoughts of an open marriage, but otherwise you sound like me. Keep us posted as I'd like to see how it turns out for you.
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Old 18th May 2017, 7:43 AM   #23
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How to get out of the spiral

I have been having depression issues because of the complete of lack of emotion and intimacy in my marriage. All sorts of things are going through my mind. Separation, filing for divorce, cheating, going out to find an affair. I haven't talked opening with my wife about it. We don't communicate very much or very often. We only talk about the house and the kids.

I have been trying really hard to get out of the depression and turn things around. But I can't. I have been trying to break by old ways of hanging around and just waiting and hoping my wife initiates intimacy. I have been keeping myself busy and making myself unavailable. Going out for runs. Doing extra work. Doing everything I can to not come across like I am just sitting there like a miserable sack of **** hoping my wife starts to notice and starts to initiate some sort of emotion or intimacy.

Every time I try to initiate anything the most I can do is barely kiss her on the cheek. I can't bring myself to hold her or touch her because I worry it will throw me into a deeper depression.

How do you get out of this rut? I feel like the more I distance myself the worse it gets and I can't bring myself to try to change it because of fear of rejection and disappointment.
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Old 18th May 2017, 8:02 AM   #24
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It's good that you are trying to be proactive but depression is a medical illness. You wouldn't only try a bunch of home remedies to cure cancer or to fix a broken bone. Go to a doctor & do some talk therapy. Don't just get a prescription for anti-depressant happy pills. You need to work to fix your issues & then you & your wife need MC
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Old 18th May 2017, 8:05 AM   #25
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Talk therapy was the best gift I've ever given myself.
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When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.
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Old 18th May 2017, 8:27 AM   #26
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You need to find a good counsellor. It is, the best gift you could ever give yourself.

And if I may, having an affair before you deal with the problems in your marriage and end your relationship with your wife is a sure fire way to increase the complexity of your life and create worsening depression. Sure, the "high" may help you to temporarily forget your feelings and your problems. But, you will never be able to avoid dealing with the things you have to deal with forever. The "crash" will be devastating.

Depression is brutal and in this case, it may be your minds way of telling you that you need to make some changes in your life. Just remember, this too shall pass. Get some counselling, maybe some medication, and deal with your life before you start a new relationship. Best wishes.
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Old 18th May 2017, 8:44 AM   #27
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Originally Posted by jjgitties View Post
Every time I try to initiate anything the most I can do is barely kiss her on the cheek. I can't bring myself to hold her or touch her because I worry it will throw me into a deeper depression.
That doesn't make sense. When you have sex, your brain releases certain hormones. Those chemicals actually combat depression. Sex helps . It shouldn't make things worse.
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Old 18th May 2017, 8:46 AM   #28
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Thanks for the replies. The problem is I don't know what I have. All I know is I have been having this constant heavy feeling in my gut and constant sadness. I have ascribed it to the fact that I have a loveless marriage. There is no intimacy between me and my wife. But maybe its something else. Maybe its depression and that's what's causing the lack of intimacy. Why would anyone want to be intimate with someone who is always sad? I don't know why this is happening. I have a stable job. She has a stable job. I have financial stability. I don't have money problems. I have two kids. I have a house. I am not alone. But I am constantly moody and down. It just doesn't go away.
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Old 18th May 2017, 8:49 AM   #29
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Talk therapy with a trained medical professional is where you will find the answers to why you feel like this & more importantly how to fix it.
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Old 18th May 2017, 8:50 AM   #30
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Originally Posted by jjgitties View Post
Thanks for the replies. The problem is I don't know what I have. All I know is I have been having this constant heavy feeling in my gut and constant sadness. I have ascribed it to the fact that I have a loveless marriage. There is no intimacy between me and my wife. But maybe its something else. Maybe its depression and that's what's causing the lack of intimacy. Why would anyone want to be intimate with someone who is always sad? I don't know why this is happening. I have a stable job. She has a stable job. I have financial stability. I don't have money problems. I have two kids. I have a house. I am not alone. But I am constantly moody and down. It just doesn't go away.
Talk to your doctor. Find a counsellor. Begin to discover why you are feeling this way... Maybe it's within you. Maybe it's within your marriage. It's probably both. You need to do the work to discover why you are feeling so unhappy.

Don't waste another day. It's not possible to be happy, all the time. But, life is too short to live in misery when there are things that you can do to help yourself. There is no shame in seeking assistance. The only shame is continuing to live an unhappy life because you are unwilling or afraid to see assistance. Take care.
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