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When Do You Know Its Time


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 7th May 2017, 11:22 AM   #1
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When Do You Know Its Time

Here is my story. I have been with my wife for 25 years. Married for 16 years. We have 2 children. Boy 12 and daughter 8.

I have been miserable in my marriage for quite a while. I can't explain it. Its all the usual things. Lack of enough emotional contact. Lack of compassion. Lack of enough sex. Lack of communication. We go through long periods of it. They if sort of gets better for a bit and then it goes back to the way it is. (see above).

I am close to 50. I have been feeling that I am getting more and more depressed in the marriage as the years go on. I dont know if its me? I dont know if its the wife.

I am noticing that I am taking it out of my son. The other week I kicked him. I dont know what happened. It was a sunday. We were all indoors most of the day. I said lets all go out for a walk in the park to get fresh air. The kids went out in front and started bugging each other. When I got out, the daughter was coming back to the house crying. She does that because my son keeps bugging her. I thought he hurt her. I don't know what happened but I snapped and I got really mad at him. I kicked him. We then went back into the house and I had a metal break down. I felt so bad for doing it. I was worried I hurt him badly because it looked like I kicked him in the side of the knee.

I spent the night crying in bed because I felt so bad about it. I actually spent most of last week feeling awful about it.

I am worried I am beyond miserable in my marriage. I am worried I am taking it out on my kids. I am considering ending my marriage to be happier and maybe my kids will see happier parents and will be better adjusted. I worry that me and the wife are never happy in the marriage and its visible and shows.

I don't know where to begin.
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Old 7th May 2017, 1:20 PM   #2
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It sounds like you know what you need to do. It's not going to get any better, best you end it or discuss marriage counseling if you are even considering staying together.
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Old 7th May 2017, 3:17 PM   #3
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I am divorced. I am definitely happier without my ex-husband. I don't know if he's happier without me, he seems the same, but it made a difference for me. Divorce also gave me a break from the kids due to shared time, which I never had before. It was nice to have some "me time" and I'm not just talking about a few hours on a Saturday when somebody babysits for you to give you a break. You get days at a time to yourself and it's nice. Divorce also made their father a better dad. He HAD to spend time with them all alone and spend time doing things with them without my help and without relying on me to do everything, but this was still not all the time as I had my time with the kids. I think he enjoyed having alone time too. Now he has had two more babies with another woman and remarried (unwillingly) and he's miserable again. lol

So, if you do divorce and start dating again, make sure you get a vasectomy if you don't want anymore kids!
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Old 7th May 2017, 4:15 PM   #4
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I am close to 50. <snip>. I snapped and <snip> kicked him. <snip> I spent the night crying in bed because I felt so bad about it. I actually spent most of last week feeling awful about it.
First, hopefully you have already apologized to your son and explained to him that there is absolutely no excuse for your behaviour and treatment of him.

Second, hopefully you have already realized that you need outside, professional help to deal with your perceptions, thoughts and feelings. Stress and anger management classes and counseling. Crying and feeling badly isn't sufficient or good enough.

After you gain back proper, adult control of yourself, then marriage counseling if that's where you want to go. But, first things first.
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Old 7th May 2017, 6:30 PM   #5
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Before anything, you must apologize to your son. It is never acceptable to use physical aggression toward another person, particularly a child. It will certainly help to regain his love and trust if you are man enough to tell him that you made a grave mistake, apologize, and ask for his forgiveness.

And then, you find a good counsellor to help you to discover why you are so unhappy in your life. Hopefully, they will help you to discover some better tools for stress and anger management.

Best wishes.
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Old 7th May 2017, 7:14 PM   #6
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Yes, I apologized to him the very same night and told him I was very sorry and explained what went through my mind.
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Old 8th May 2017, 10:23 PM   #7
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I’m so sorry to hear that, friend. My heart ached as I read your post. You don’t need to be hard on yourself. I know how difficult and painful it must be for you. It does take time, patience, and hard work to build a happy marriage. Have you ever considered talking with a marriage counselor? Do you think that's something that might be helpful for you personally? Do you think your wife might consider going with you? I just said a prayer for you and your family, and I hope that God will provide the wisdom, comfort and help you need at this time. Your situation may seem impossible right now, but I do believe there is hope. Sending prayers & wishing you well!
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Old 15th May 2017, 9:41 PM   #8
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How To Semi Salvage A Marriage

Hi all. Okay, so time to ask for some help for myself. (For those that missed my post on my back story. I am late 40s. Wife is early 40s. We got two kids.).

I have been doing some soul searching and I think I have concluded that my wife just doesn't love me or find me sexually attractive anymore. I don't think its cause I let me self go. I just think I just don't do it for her anymore. She just doesn't realize it and has not come to terms with it. In the meantime it's destroying me emotionally and psychologically. My theory is, I think I have allowed myself to become too domesticated. I help with the kids, I help with the cleaning, I do all kinds of stuff and don't devote enough time to myself and being more selfish. When I think about it, hell, I don't blame her for not getting turned on. Why would a de-masculated male turn you on?

I am starting to wonder, is it possible to ask someone you are married to turn the marriage into a non-sexual union and ask for permission to look for sex from someone else? Obviously, my fear is she will freak out and say no. (It's also possible she will agree and also ask for the same thing -- which will obviously lead to a whole other set of problems).

Is there a sane or normal way to approach an idea like this without hurting someone elses feelings? Are there other people in similar marriages who have this sort of relationship?
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Old 15th May 2017, 9:48 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by jjgitties View Post
Hi all. Okay, so time to ask for some help for myself. (For those that missed my post on my back story. I am late 40s. Wife is early 40s. We got two kids.).

I have been doing some soul searching and I think I have concluded that my wife just doesn't love me or find me sexually attractive anymore. I don't think its cause I let me self go. I just think I just don't do it for her anymore. She just doesn't realize it and has not come to terms with it. In the meantime it's destroying me emotionally and psychologically. My theory is, I think I have allowed myself to become too domesticated. I help with the kids, I help with the cleaning, I do all kinds of stuff and don't devote enough time to myself and being more selfish. When I think about it, hell, I don't blame her for not getting turned on. Why would a de-masculated male turn you on?

I am starting to wonder, is it possible to ask someone you are married to turn the marriage into a non-sexual union and ask for permission to look for sex from someone else? Obviously, my fear is she will freak out and say no. (It's also possible she will agree and also ask for the same thing -- which will obviously lead to a whole other set of problems).

Is there a sane or normal way to approach an idea like this without hurting someone elses feelings? Are there other people in similar marriages who have this sort of relationship?

I think that sounds like a recipe for a worse situation than you're in now. I don't think it has anything to do with you helping around the house. God bless you for doing it.. wish my husband helped like that! I would suggest marriage counseling... couples retreat... sounds like you need to spice it up .. not put that energy into other women. Give her a foot massage, book a couples massage, romantic dinner, weekend getaway... what made you feel connected at the beginning of your marriage? I would communicate to her that you want to feel more connected, specifically sexually and that it's taking a toll on you... please don't mention other woman..water your own grass
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Old 15th May 2017, 9:51 PM   #10
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Also.. take the love language test together... this will help each of you learn how you both feel loved and how you show love... it's eye opening.
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Old 15th May 2017, 10:14 PM   #11
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Instead of guessing what she is feeling, talk to her & tell her what you are feeling. Ask how she thinks you can rekindle the romance. Then work with her to make you both happy.
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Old 15th May 2017, 10:48 PM   #12
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Instead of guessing what she is feeling, talk to her & tell her what you are feeling. Ask how she thinks you can rekindle the romance. Then work with her to make you both happy.
Talking was attempted. It sort of worked once, for a bit, but then things went right back to where they were. She does not like to sit around and talk about it and it sort of appears to me that she things it's just a big waste of time to sit around and talk about my feelings and emotions.

On the one hand, yes, you can sort of see that things are busy and she is always tired. But then on the other hand, I have voiced by concerns about the marriage in as civilized a way as I can and she just dismisses it. If you really wanted to be married to someone and be in a marriage with someone, you would make time to do things to keep the marriage afloat.

I have given up trying to talk about it as I am feeling its starting to sound pathetic on my part. I don't even know if she realizes I am constantly thinking about divorce. My days lately are pretty much spent wondering, is it all in my head and I am having a mental break down or is this a valid reason to divorce someone? Do people get divorced because they feel like they haven't been in a loving marriage for many years?
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Old 16th May 2017, 6:21 AM   #13
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My first question to you ( and please don't freak out, as I am just asking not accusing) is whether or not you've developed an interest in another woman, maybe someone at work or somewhere else you interact? I'm not saying this is on purpose or that you have cheated, and you may not even be aware of it.


Secondly, where is your role in the breakdown of your marriage? If you want to save it, you need to figure that out. Again, this isn't to blame you, but as a person can only work on their own behavior and know their own mind, it's pointless to comment on what she should be doing.


Third, talking to your wife about how you are feeling isn't going to be easy, but you really do need to do it. Stress to her the importance of this to her and that she really needs to listen and hear what you have to say.
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Old 16th May 2017, 6:45 AM   #14
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Third, talking to your wife about how you are feeling isn't going to be easy, but you really do need to do it. Stress to her the importance of this to her and that she really needs to listen and hear what you have to say.
This. To say that you talked once and it didn't work, is not enough. Your wife needs to know how you are feeling and you need to tell her - "I think about divorce all the time. In a few years, the kids will be grown and gone and I'm worried that if we don't invest in this marriage, there will be nothing left between us. And, I will leave." Don't threaten to leave, but tell her what you are thinking. It will get her attention. And if it doesn't, you will know that you have big problems.

It takes two to save a marriage. You can't do it if your wife isn't invested. But, before you decide to walk away, you MUST be sure that your wife know how you are feeling and how serious this problem is for you. Tell her what you want and give her specifics - I would like to find a few minutes every night when we can talk, or a few minutes every night to hold your hand and watch tv. Tell her that you want to go out on a date and have fun together again. Tell her that you miss the sex. She doesn't know what you want, unless you tell her. And then, it's up to her to decide if it's also what she wants for the marriage. If she doesn't consider your feelings and work to save the marriage, you will have a big decision to make. Good luck.

Last edited by BaileyB; 16th May 2017 at 6:53 AM..
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Old 16th May 2017, 7:37 AM   #15
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My first question to you ( and please don't freak out, as I am just asking not accusing) is whether or not you've developed an interest in another woman, maybe someone at work or somewhere else you interact? I'm not saying this is on purpose or that you have cheated, and you may not even be aware of it.


Secondly, where is your role in the breakdown of your marriage? If you want to save it, you need to figure that out. Again, this isn't to blame you, but as a person can only work on their own behavior and know their own mind, it's pointless to comment on what she should be doing.


Third, talking to your wife about how you are feeling isn't going to be easy, but you really do need to do it. Stress to her the importance of this to her and that she really needs to listen and hear what you have to say.
No. I have not met anyone and there isn't anyone at work.

I don't know where my role plays in this. I guess there must be some sort of reason for her not wanting to engage with me emotionally or sexually. All I can think of is she feels its not important for to the marriage. Or I just don't do it for her. So if that's the case, maybe she should be with someone who does do it for her and I should be with someone who wants me. She seems perfectly content with what she is doing, living where we live, and devoting all her time and energy to the kids and their activities. I am the one is miserable and am finding myself becoming more distanced and shutting down from her because there is a lack of emotion and communication and sex in the marriage.

I already talked to her about my feelings a while back. I even brought up the idea of separation. We reconciled after that and things got better for a while. But then they just went right back to the way they were.

Talking to her about feelings seems to be that she feels is a complete waste of her time and energy. I am telling you, this woman is not in love with me. She is in love with her house and her kids. She does not need anything else from me other than to fix things around the house, drive kids to places, keep a job and pay for share of mortgage and show up at family gatherings.
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