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Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 26th October 2017, 5:20 AM   #16
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First of all, I would like to thank you all for your replies. They are very much appreciated.

Over the past couple of months that I’ve been going to counseling and reading I’ve really learned a lot. She shows many symptoms of bipolar and/or HPD (Histrionic Personality Disorder). Which really would explain a lot. She would constantly seek approval and need for center of attention. Also throwing fits like a child when she wouldn’t get her way.

We have now been separated for 2 months and have the court hearing coming up in 2 weeks. As for the months leading up to the separation. She had been on medication (for as long as I’ve known her) to treat her anxiety. We were attempting to get pregnant when her doctor told her that her meds were no longer working, and that it wasn’t a good idea to be on them while trying to get pregnant. So she stopped taking them cold turkey. During this time, she became severely depressed and started to see a counselor. She asked me to go with her to counseling which I was hesitant at first, but then I did end up going. I really noticed her distancing herself from me especially after counseling. She then started to hang out with friends that she made while working some local music festivals whom lived in Los Angeles. She would go to L.A. every other weekend or so (we live 2 hours from Los Angeles) to visit with them. This was okay with me because I work weekends, and wanted her to have a good time since I couldn’t be there. She would come back on Sunday nights and tell me what a great time she had in L.A. and I would notice her becoming more and more distant from me each time she returned. It was after returning from one of these trips she told me that she was done with this marriage and will be moving out on her own. It turns out these so called friends in L.A. were encouraging her to move in with them since she was telling them how unhappy she was in her marriage.
We currently see the same counselor separately. The therapist insists that there is no affair and says that it is something I deserve to be told if there was someone else.
She complained of my poor communication (which is true, it wasn’t the greatest). I also had trouble expressing my feelings/emotions. The way she would come at me with her “sea of emotions” was overwhelming, and I just didn’t know how to respond so I would just shut down. I have owned up to my faults and am addressing them head on. I’ve had people, that I’ve known my whole life, tell me recently that this is the most that they have seen me communicate ever. She has deleted all of my friends and family from her social media. She is currently in the process of searching for a job in Los Angeles and will be quitting the great job that she has here after the court hearing.

Months prior to all of this, she said that if she wasn’t pregnant by her 29th birthday, she was going to “lose her mind”. Shortly after she said that, everything started to unwind.
I have tried so hard to make sense of all of this, and have realized that it will never make sense because there is no sense to be made.
It turns out all of my family never really like her, and were just pretending to like her because they knew I loved her. They have also said that I have probably dodged a bullet.
She would constantly pressure me for children which only pushed me away from the idea further since I already have enough pressure on me.

I have come to the conclusion that she was really just putting on an act to get what she wanted in our relationship. She got everything she wanted except for children, and this is the giant temper tantrum that she is throwing. I do believe that this is who she was before we ever met, and she was just trying to be someone she really wasn’t while with me. I am so grateful that we don’t have children together, because I do believe all of this was bound to happen and she was a ticking time bomb.

I’ve asked her why she is doing all of this. She says that it is what she needs to do to get better and is not capable of being in a relationship the way that she is currently. She feels stuck with where she is at, and needs to move away to a place she has never lived before for a fresh start. She has moved 9 times in 7 years, and I was along for the ride for 7 of those moves. I had never moved before in my life until I met her. She starts to feel very uncomfortable once the daily routine of life begins to settle in.

I am currently practicing the no contact method to detach. All conversations are initiated by her. She called me the other day, and we actually did have a pleasant conversation which was nice.

As for me, I am just focusing on myself. I am still going to counseling, reading, working, going to the gym and getting myself out there back into the dating world. I know that I am going to make a great partner for my next relationship with all that I have learned.

Thank you all.
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Old 26th October 2017, 7:59 AM   #17
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Hi Maxximus, it's great to read your last post. I just re read my post on your thread and somehow or the other things that I asked or implied seem to have been at the core of your problems with your wife. Of course you have been given a name for it but for all practical purposes it just means that she is not good wife material and whoever she latches on to will face the same problems with her as you have. So I would say good for you that you are rid of her. I only hope she does not have an epiphany and come running back to you to take her back. That too, is a possibility when her rose coloured glasses fall off and she finds that there is no one to catch her when she falls.

At any rate keep up with what you are doing and have a good life. Warm wishes.
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Old 26th October 2017, 10:43 AM   #18
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With out a doubt, based on your last post...

With out a doubt, based on your last post...

OP, she is having an affair, not doubt about it. At this stage of your life, let her go.

You are not equipped to deal with this yet, you are too young. It is better to let it go and learn about yourself and find another woman.

It will be better that way...
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Old 26th October 2017, 4:08 PM   #19
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With out a doubt, based on your last post...

OP, she is having an affair, not doubt about it. At this stage of your life, let her go.

You are not equipped to deal with this yet, you are too young. It is better to let it go and learn about yourself and find another woman.

It will be better that way...

Agreed. She is gonna screw someone that will give her that baby on her timeline. Of course she wants to 'win over' the therapist and will say no affair (she hasn't been caught) and 'you'd deserve to know.' Sure, you would deserve to know until she is caught and guess what...she was never going to tell you. Thank God no kids. You're young enough to not have to feel like you have a midlife crisis.
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Old 27th October 2017, 3:24 AM   #20
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Hi Maxximus, how are you getting along? I wanted to ask by when you think your divorce will be through? Are you moving around with friends and socializing? I know that it may be early days as yet but it would do you no harm to be seen around in the company of girls. I guess that would cause your stbx wife to sit up and take notice because that will send her a notice that she no longer figures in your scheme of things and you are already moving ahead in your life. I am sure you will get a an emotionally angry reaction from her when she gets to know. However, it will drive home to her that you are not hanging on to her petticoat strings any more and are now a new man. That is a lesson she needs to learn. Warm wishes.
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Old 8th March 2019, 11:06 PM   #21
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17 month update

Hey all!
Thought I'd check in after 17 months with an update... Wow, it is amazing how much can heal over time.
Divorce was final in April of 2018. The process took about 7 months.
I quit my job (which I was miserable at), and took a two week long roadtrip completely by myself (which was awesome!). Then moved to the other side of the country to start a new life. Best decision of my life. Learned what it was like to be all alone for awhile, and I was okay with that. Dated for a bit which was fun. Then met someone new who I actually get along great with and have so many common interests!
As for the ex, she got pregnant 3 months after the divorce was finalized and remarried 3 months after that. I literally felt the bullet wizzing my head. Wow did I dodge that one! We haven't spoken since court one year ago.

Cheers!
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Old 9th March 2019, 10:37 AM   #22
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Congrats on getting through it, and coming out positive. I wish my wife would have done that. We have kids, and is dragging me through... well... crap, right now.


Thanks for the update. It helps the ones in it right now.
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Old 9th March 2019, 1:51 PM   #23
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Originally Posted by maxximus910 View Post
As for the ex, she got pregnant 3 months after the divorce was finalized and remarried 3 months after that. I literally felt the bullet wizzing my head. Wow did I dodge that one! We haven't spoken since court one year ago.

Cheers!

So happy to hear she’s finally standing on her own two feet without the burden of marriage weighing her down!
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Old 9th March 2019, 2:28 PM   #24
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So happy to hear she’s finally standing on her own two feet without the burden of marriage weighing her down!

I know right!? haha. Best of luck to the new dude. He is going to need it!
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Old 9th March 2019, 2:29 PM   #25
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Thanks for the update.
I was devastated when my wife and I broke up. We have been divorced some 30 years.
A few years back I Googled her name and found some photos.
Talk about dodging a bullet, the years have not been kind to her. Think Harry Potter's aunt that he turns into a ballon.
While for the past 23 years I have shared my life with a now grandmother who still has an hour glass figure and a flat stomach. And she is the sweetest most giving person I have ever met.
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Old 9th March 2019, 2:34 PM   #26
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Originally Posted by Blind-Sided View Post
Congrats on getting through it, and coming out positive. I wish my wife would have done that. We have kids, and is dragging me through... well... crap, right now.


Thanks for the update. It helps the ones in it right now.

It is a long process unfortunately. But you will come out on the other end a stronger person because of it!
Her leaving me was one of the best things to ever happen to me. I feel free and have a new fresh start at life!

It's crazy going through all the old replies. Everyone who responded was pretty much spot on!
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Old 9th March 2019, 3:01 PM   #27
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The problem: You married too young. She told you why she's leaving, and it's true. She needs to be on her own, not with someone she's tied to, and become her own person. While she's been working these festivals, she's discovered a bit of herself, but more importantly, she's tasted freedom from daily influence and drag of spouses or parents. That's why I say you married too young. We all need to be on our own and learn to live with ourselves and be independent before we have truly bloomed into our own person.

I'm sorry it's left you devastated. Please keep up all your good self-help programs. Cheating isn't why she left. Freedom and discovering herself is why she left. I hope she leaves you the dog. You do not have any obligation to be "just friends" with her if it's too painful. Just tell her it's too painful and keeps you living with false hope while she's moved on.

Again, so sorry for your pain. The biggest good thing out of all this is it sounds like it drove you to get sober and get counseling to make yourself your best self. And once you are your best self, you will find someone new. Alcoholism stunts a person's emotional development, so you will be maturing once again now you're sober and probably be a bit different person, for the better. Good luck.
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Old 10th March 2019, 3:31 AM   #28
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Thanks for coming back with the update! The success stories are important for everyone to hear. It gives us hope!
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