idiot 274 Posted May 29, 2016 Share Posted May 29, 2016 (edited) I'm an idiot. Met her in a bar after work at a time when I was really lonely after being a single hermit for five years. It was infatuation mostly but can't for the life of me figure why I married her. dumbass. Not long after we met she was at my apartment and we were having drinks. Out of nowhere she starts bragging about how many guys she's banged and how big some of them where and how they#! $@/^ her so good. I got pissed and hurt at the disrespect and we got in a fight. She did this many many other times as well and I just tried to forgive her and move on till the next fight. Story is way too long but I'll make it wuick. she moved in within two months and i married her a year later. She has left a few times and threatened divorce but she comes back apologising. She has been gone for a week now and she is completely done. She's filing in two days. Just can't believe I didn't kick her out of my apartment after that first foul mouthed trash she said. Im an idiot. Edited June 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator paragraphs ~6 Link to post Share on other sites
Downtown Posted May 29, 2016 Share Posted May 29, 2016 Biggest thing I'm learning about my situation is how to identify the red flags in the beginning. [From your post in Jason's thread.]Idiot, welcome to the LoveShack forum. Given your interest in learning how to spot red flags for self protection, I suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. Three behaviors you mention -- the verbal abuse, lack of impulse control, and cycle of push-away/pull-back -- are on that list. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 29, 2016 Share Posted May 29, 2016 Better late than never. At least she will be gone soon and you can meet a decent woman. There are plenty of them out there so don't be sad. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
seamos Posted May 30, 2016 Share Posted May 30, 2016 Well, if this is another time that she changes her mind and comes back, I suggest you help her w/ her indecision and file for divorce yourself. Then you can stop being so hard on yourself. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 30, 2016 Share Posted May 30, 2016 I'm an idiot. Met her in a bar after work at a time when I was really lonely after being a single hermit for five years. It was infatuation mostly but can't for the life of me figure why I married her. dumbass. Not long after we met she was at my apartment and we were having drinks. Out of nowhere she starts bragging about how many guys she's banged and how big some of them where and how they#! $@/^ her so good. I got pissed and hurt at the disrespect and we got in a fight. She did this many many other times as well and I just tried to forgive her and move on till the next fight. Story is way too long but I'll make it wuick. she moved in within two months and i married her a year later. She has left a few times and threatened divorce but she comes back apologising. She has been gone for a week now and she is completely done. She's filing in two days. Just can't believe I didn't kick her out of my apartment after that first foul mouthed trash she said. Im an idiot. You can fix your mistake by divorcing her! It's that simple. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author idiot 274 Posted May 30, 2016 Author Share Posted May 30, 2016 Thank you!! Yeah shes filing now, should be easy and uncontested. can't imagine fow fd I would be if she were pregnant. THANK God. I have to be out of my house day after tomorrow. She's getting a roomate and taking over the lease. Been non stop packing here. I still get pissed here and there but to tell you the truth it feels like a weight is slowly being lifted off of me. I'm starting to get a small tingle of excitement and looking forward to being able to be myself and be free. Couldn't talk to her about anything because she wasn't interested in anyone other than herself. i lost myself but I'm back now and ready to be happy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
burnt Posted May 30, 2016 Share Posted May 30, 2016 I'm an idiot. Met her in a bar after work at a time when I was really lonely after being a single hermit for five years. It was infatuation mostly but can't for the life of me figure why I married her. What you did doesn't make you an idiot. It makes you human. Being single for five years is hard. Being a hermit is even harder. Loneliness and isolation from human affection is the hardest; we are programmed to seek out company. When you spend a long time waiting for someone, it's very easy to fall for that person and fail to see the red flags. And even after you see the red flags, the fear of becoming alone again makes you desperate to hold onto the toxic relationship and that's why you married her--out of simple human needs and desperation. Don't beat yourself up for making that mistake. Be glad that it'll be over soon and you have learned a LOT about recognizing toxic people. We learn a lot more effectively (but painfully) from our mistakes than from our successes. (If it makes you feel any better--it took me over a decade and a half to recognize that I'm living in a TOXIC marriage and am trying to get out now). 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author idiot 274 Posted May 30, 2016 Author Share Posted May 30, 2016 Thank you guys sincerely 2 Link to post Share on other sites
VelvetCrush Posted May 31, 2016 Share Posted May 31, 2016 Dear Mr Idiot. You are not an idiot. You are a human on a human journey. It's a shame you can not change your name on here. I signed on here just to respond to you. I am a hermit. I also have agoraphobia and monophobia created by illness and divorce. I am a hermit just starting therapy to try and move my life forward. I wanted to say thank you for posting. Do not call yourself an idiot. Do divorce Do NOT allow this experience to push you back in to being a hermit. Please 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author idiot 274 Posted June 2, 2016 Author Share Posted June 2, 2016 It's day one. Just returned the u haul trailer and tryng to accept all of this. divorce will be final in 60 days. Rollercoaster ride of emotions but I know what I have to do. I feel like I've experienced the death of a family member. The few friends I've talked to hear and there simply don't wanna hear it or just don't know what to say. I went from living in a nice home to the shack in the country where i was raised several hours away. I have to find a job and save money because I need a clean fresh start in a different state so that's my plan. 6 months and I'm starting a new life for myself. At least the anger is going away, just dealing with embarrassment and shame now. Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted June 2, 2016 Share Posted June 2, 2016 It's day one. Just returned the u haul trailer and tryng to accept all of this. divorce will be final in 60 days. Rollercoaster ride of emotions but I know what I have to do. I feel like I've experienced the death of a family member. The few friends I've talked to hear and there simply don't wanna hear it or just don't know what to say. I went from living in a nice home to the shack in the country where i was raised several hours away. I have to find a job and save money because I need a clean fresh start in a different state so that's my plan. 6 months and I'm starting a new life for myself. At least the anger is going away, just dealing with embarrassment and shame now. I dont think there is anything to be embarrased about. Divorce is common and it simply didnt work out so what? I lived in a tiny crummy simple apartment after my divorce by CHOICE and was so proud to be on my own making a fresh start knowing I wouldnt be staying there forever but just a simple humble fresh start to regroup and rebuild. Do not care about opinions of anyone. Everyone has their own drama and problems in life...people really dont care or judge as much as you think and if they do 'divorce' them too. Its a fresh new start, yes its hard but its reality and you can have a second chance to do what you want as divorce makes you stronger! Dont date for a year. I learned that and its true. I dont care if your ex is remarried in a few months or has 10 boyfriends...those are called rebounds! Focus on job, health, spending time alone, healing, just be free and happy! Link to post Share on other sites
Author idiot 274 Posted June 4, 2016 Author Share Posted June 4, 2016 Pretty rough day today. I'm trying not to be consumed by anger. Pisses me off that I put up with the selfish child in the first place and pisses me off that it was so easy to drop me and move on. Just can't stop thinking about how she's being "comforted" through the divorce. I'm backing up for a quick incident in our history: she had moved in to my apartment and had probably been there a couple of months and she did this: im working on a project in another room and she's drinking wine and having a girl day on the couch watching an addel video or some ****. After a while i hear her crying, and then it gets louder so I go into the living room and ask are you okay? What's wrong? She suddenly starts telling me about the guy she was with before me and how he was going through a divorce and how she"helped "him get through it and that she tried and tried to make him love her but but he never did. Can you believe this ****? I was pissed off and talk about awkward! pretty obvious she wasn't over this guy so wth did she get with me? I'm pissed and disgusted because i know damn well that now he's "helping "her get through a divorce. Just need to stop thinking about her all together but easier said than done. I fd up. Should have kicked her ass out then but I didn't. It was a **** relationship from the get go yes, but I got used to being around her. Link to post Share on other sites
Mia35 Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 (edited) Hey there dear, Mr. "idiot274".. You really need to change your name Lol. I just joined this place because of the same reason as you. Except my situation is WAYYYYYY more complicated, involving international marriage and etc. Anyways I totally get how you feel, although my soon to be ex husband ended up being a total douche canoe and I know divorce is the right thing, I still feel deeply SAD and messed up by all of it. We were married less than a year.... its a really long story. IF you knew my story you probably wouldnt feel as stupid about your own situation. Believe me.... I was much stupider and now im in a really messy divorce because hes not from here nor does he even live in this country... Best thing to do is stay as far away from her as possible, you guys have nothing together, it is for the best... Edited June 8, 2016 by Mia35 Link to post Share on other sites
Author idiot 274 Posted June 8, 2016 Author Share Posted June 8, 2016 Thank you. How long did you know him before you got married? Link to post Share on other sites
Mia35 Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 (edited) I met him through his brother and sister inlaw who I worked with... over Skype... they set me up with him and sent me there to meet him and be with him so it was like 9 months over skype and 6 months living together (well in his moms house as that is their culture..) in Istanbul. He was great for the most part although he did show some little jealousy signs, but once I arrived in Istanbul all changed and I was like his property. Anyways I will not get into culture stereotypes because thats not my thing but you can imagine the worst when it came to controlling women and the like. Jealousy, snooping in phones, etc, etc etce etc the list goes on Anyway I knew it was a bad idea to marry him but I was there alone, nobody spoke english except him and his english was not even good at all... It was a very very HIGH PRESSURE and manipulative situation and I really couldnt (or was way too fkin scared to) get out of. I came back to the states and all because i Liked a guys photo on Instagram he GHOSTED me. Completely. I had no job because i left everything to go to Turkey.. Completely abandoned me, his new wife. And guess what... ALL the gold and money from the wedding? He kept it... I got NOTHING.. he ghosted me DISAPPEARED FOR 4 MONTHS!!!! with a few times texting me on whatsapp, only to blame me for everything... so guess what...after trying, i realize he is a complete narcisist and will never change. Its a mental issue. *** AND he never tried to do ANYTHING to make it work, all he did was blame me. He never even tried contacting me to make it work or apologize, he did NOTHING. I filed for divorce. Well.. Started the process. Started the process in March, after finally obtaining work having returned in November.. literally as of YESTERDAY the divorce petition has officially been filed in the court!!!!!! Still no word from him through all this, besides a few random rude bipolar messages including many profanities. So yeah dont feel bad look what I got myself into. And on top of it all I still feel deeply SAD. Even though I know I dont want to be with him, I am still so so deeply hurt. Ok that was really long . Edited June 8, 2016 by Mia35 Link to post Share on other sites
Author idiot 274 Posted June 8, 2016 Author Share Posted June 8, 2016 Wow. Yeap. Same boat. I feel it too. I'm trying to not be angry and trying so hard just to not even think about her because she's already having fun with her new life like it was nothing. It sucks. Wish I could be like her and have zero emotions. $!#@ it, I have a goal and a plan I'm working towards so that's what I'm trying to focus on. I hope you do too. Wish I could buy you a coffee or a drink so that we could just sit in silence and mentally kick eack other in the ass. Link to post Share on other sites
Author idiot 274 Posted June 9, 2016 Author Share Posted June 9, 2016 Have you thought about hooking up throughout this? I'm only asking because that's the furthest thing from my mind right now. Hell I can't even bring myself to take my wedding ring off even though I know damn well she's already banging and having fun. the only occasional thoughts I get of her are of anger and it's getting better but still, I feel like I'm the better person for working on myself and staying true to that. Am I an idiot??? Link to post Share on other sites
Mia35 Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 LOL yeah I mean it was MY choice to divorce. I knew it was all wrong from his behavior plus no connection in the bedroom so yeah I started dating somebody soon after we separated. But nothing serious and I stopped talking to him because no need for all that and have things to focus on like getting my stuff back in order after having been completely abandoned by him. So I guess my situation is different. I am hurt because i did love him even though he was wrong for me but do I want to move on with my life? Yes. Link to post Share on other sites
Mia35 Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 Have you thought about hooking up throughout this? I'm only asking because that's the furthest thing from my mind right now. Hell I can't even bring myself to take my wedding ring off even though I know damn well she's already banging and having fun. the only occasional thoughts I get of her are of anger and it's getting better but still, I feel like I'm the better person for working on myself and staying true to that. Am I an idiot??? no youre not an idiot. do whatever makes you feel happy and good. We only get one life. If you want to wear your ring do it. I stopped wearing mine but sometimes when I am at home i wear it... =( infact yesterday I was feeling sad and wore it all day out running errands and to sleep and took it off this morning. So yeah I get it. Mixed emotions. I feel like an idiot lol Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 I think OP you should abandon your username and start afresh with a new one Link to post Share on other sites
Author idiot 274 Posted June 10, 2016 Author Share Posted June 10, 2016 It's been almost two weeks since I heard her voice on the telephone. I changed my phone # as part 1 of letting go so we've only emailed a couple of times regarding divorce papers. Here's my situation : I'm about to mail her my response and it be final in about 45 days. I started writing her a letter because I have things to get off my chest. It's not a mean or nasty letter just want her to know how bad she hurt me. I'm going to include it with final papers and stick it in the mail. I'm also going to delete my email and get a new one. I feel like this is the only way to officially close this chapter. Even if she throws the letter in the trash without reading it I feel like I did it for me and it will help me feel better about moving on. The only information on me that she will have is my mother's adress where I am staying several hours away. I was taken on a hell of a crappy ride and invested everything and believed in this. She was too young and immature and decided she wanted her old life back. I don't think she knows or even cares how bad she fd me up, maybe someday she will or maybe never but i feel like the letter will help me regardless. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 Don't do it. Keep correspondence regarding the divorce to official business only. If you have to write her a letter, send it separately from the divorce papers, don't send it in the same envelope. But even better just write it in the "coping" forum to get it off your chest and don't actually send it to her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 I agree with writing the letter, but I would not recommend sending the letter, and definitely not sending it along with the D papers. I would recommend sending the D papers, then taking a day or two to sit on the letter and my guess is in a day or two you will think better of it. A letter like that is usually a good idea to write, not usually a good idea to send. Just my $0.02. Link to post Share on other sites
Author idiot 274 Posted June 11, 2016 Author Share Posted June 11, 2016 I feel like I really need lots of alone time but I get zero here where I'm staying. My mother and alcoholic sister are ALWAYS here. My family invited me to go swimming at a nearby river tomorrow and I really don't want to go. How should i distact myself When all i want is to be alone but can't? ? Help. Link to post Share on other sites
NIGHT1985 Posted June 11, 2016 Share Posted June 11, 2016 Being alone won't help at all. It'll just focus all your thoughts on those memories. Trust me, this from someone who spent the last 2 days couped up in my room and not being able to force myself to go out and be productive Link to post Share on other sites
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