Separated 3 Months - Pending Divorce - My Story

[M30USA]

I am a 30 year old man. Been married for 5 years and have 2 children. I moved away from the northeast to be with my wife in the south. (Not sure if that was the smartest decision I've made in my life but that's water under the bridge.) At first I thought she was the woman of my dreams. It almost seemed too perfect to be true. But within a few months of marriage, things turned south. I'm going to be totally candid here and not try to make her seem like the devil and me like an angel. Let me just firstly say that I had a pornography problem. Additionally, I have used nasty language to my wife. There. But the problem is that she has physically assaulted me several times. I have called the police twice on her. The second time--3 months ago--she was actually arrested because I had visible bruising on my body from when she took a long board over my body about 4 times in a rage. This woman has a serious rage problem. I don't know where it came from. I suspect she might have Bipolar or Borderline.

 

What I don't understand is that I've told her parents several times about the physical violence and they seem to not really think it's a huge deal. Apparently they think that because I have called her some names that it's justified? Even in court her lawyer made me out to be this awful man who deserved to get beaten! What a joke.

 

The worst part of it all is that my wife REFUSES to apologize. She even applied for a program to get the charge removed from her record but it required my consent. I only asked for an apology and she refused. Therefore I didn't consent and now she will face a trial for domestic violence. ALL I WANTED WAS AN APOLOGY! She insists that it's our problem as a whole and that she doesn't have to apologize. She also told me that I provoked her to hit me and that if I only loved her more she wouldn't act like that.

 

We are now planning marriage counselling before the final hearing. She still insists that whatever problems we have are BOTH of our problems. She told me that I need to be accountable for what I've done. (Yet she still hasn't apologized for the assault.) Every time I speak with her it's like she confuses the heck out of me and I can't think rationally. She flips everything around and I'm left confused. She also is accusing me of deceiving people--whatever that means, I'm not sure. I told the truth in court. I even admitted to calling her names. She flat out DENIED ever hitting me...in a court of law. She committed perjury at least 10 times during the hearing. I admitted everything, even what made me look bad.

 

Another issue is that she told the court that I've been abusing the children--because I've pinched their fingers, spanked them, and been rough with them. The judge apparently didn't buy it. I got joint custody. 50/50 split right down the middle and without even having to pay child support. Anyway, it's sad but even her mother testified against me saying that I would take the kids into the bathroom and she'd hear "screaming". I told the judge that kids scream all the time. My kids scream when you put them in time out! What a joke. Her family tried to throw me under the bus with false allegations--all after their daughter assaulted me too!

 

I truly, truly want a marriage that works. But this one hasn't been. All the lies and distortions of her and her family. It seems too risky to be part of. But even with all that, I still might cave into her if I just got an apology. At least that would mean that she MIGHT change and NOT hit me again. The fact that she won't suggests that it WILL happen again. She doesn't see it as something SHE does but rather a justifiable reaction to MY actions.

 

We live 3 hours away. She has family in her town. I don't have anyone here. My lawyer thinks that, even though I'm a standup dad who has done everything right, the judge might grant her primary just because she has family there with her. So unfair!

 

I have serious issues with her family and have concern about my kids living there with primary. Her family obviously encourages a lack of accountibility. Their own daughter has been given EVERYTHING she wants and NEVER gets held up to any standard. Even as a baby she screamed to get her way and they instantly catered to her needs. This went into adulthood. I've seen her throw fits and get all fussy, then her parents give her exactly what she wants. In our marriage, too, she expects me to do exactly what she wants or there is hell to pay. It's like walking on eggshells with her. And if I don't give her exactly what she wants, she says I'm SELFISH and ONLY CARE ABOUT MYSELF.

 

Another issue is that after she got out of jail, I willingly allowed her to see the kids (with an email written agreement which was NOT legally binding). Her mother and father gave me their "word" that they would bring them back at the agreed date and time. Never happened. They kept them a month until we had a court-ordered custody ruling and I got 50-50. What deception they pulled!

 

So basically my wife is making it CLEAR that she will only reconcile if it's more of the same. She insists on not apologizing and continues to make things difficult for me by making demands about how I care for the kids while I have them at my home. I mean...seriously...if I was just sent to jail after hitting my spouse, I would be OVERWROUGHT with guilt, shame and regret to the point that I would be on my knees asking for forgiveness! How is she so stubborn? Even her own father told me earely in marriage: "She is just like her mother...you will never win an argument...I've been married to her mother for 30 years and still haven't won a single argument. Don't bother. I'm just trying to save you time and energy." Wow, maybe I should have run at that point before kids!

 

So my wife wants reconciliation only because of the children. She obviously didn't get her way with the court ruling. She figured that I would lose it all after she accused me of child abuse. Fortunately the judge didn't beleive it. Anyway, now that she hasn't gotten her way, I think she wants reconciliation for 2 reasons: 1) So that I will drop charges for the domestic violence, and 2) So that she will have the kids all the time. I fear she just wants to get me to drop the charges, then once that's done she will leave and then next time I will be screwed, especially if she tries to pull another new false allegation against me.

 

As I type this I cannot believe I'm even consider staying married. What do you all think? Honestly, I've made mistakes. I've been addicted to porn. I don't make a whole lot of money (average salary). I am generally a simple person. I take care of basic household duties. She was a SAHM and even with that I cooked at least half the time and always helped change diapers and tend to kids, etc.

 

What are your thoughts? I am really confused and need advice!

[standtall]

M3..sorry to hear about you being the victim of felonious assault by your wife. That is 100% wrong and supersedes anything you may have done. I can see a couple of things here.

 

1. Why would you want to reconcile with this violent, dishonest, bipolar person?

 

2. This part is very troubling

 

 

She also is accusing me of deceiving people--whatever that means, I'm not sure. I told the truth in court. I even admitted to calling her names. She flat out DENIED ever hitting me...in a court of law. She committed perjury at least 10 times during the hearing. I admitted everything, even what made me look bad.

 

Another issue is that she told the court that I've been abusing the children--because I've pinched their fingers, spanked them, and been rough with them. The judge apparently didn't buy it. I got joint custody. 50/50 split right down the middle and without even having to pay child support. Anyway, it's sad but even her mother testified against me saying that I would take the kids into the bathroom and she'd hear "screaming". I told the judge that kids scream all the time. My kids scream when you put them in time out! What a joke. Her family tried to throw me under the bus with false allegations--all after their daughter assaulted me too!

 

 

which indicates that she has absolutely no sense of right and wrong and where it comes from..her parents. Lying to save your own ass is one thing, but bearing false witness is utterly treacherous. Just wait for the sexual abuse allegations come...they will be up next. Why would you think that your lying ex wife, and her lying family is going to honor some gentleman's agreement email? Wake up man...you cannot believe anything these people say to you at all. Use your attorney and the courts to protect you and your children in everything relating to her and her family...everything!!!

[M30USA]

Standtall,

 

Thanks for the insight. It's just always SO HARD being the one involved. I had children with this woman. And what makes it most difficult is that I'm 1900 miles from any friends or family. If I got divorced, I would literally be alone...only having my 2 boys for half the time at best. Most likely the courts would grant HER primary custody. Since her violence was not proveably against the children, the violence against me really isn't a factor unfortunately. Her having family in her city seems to be the tipping factor. And if it does turn out that she gets primary custody in her city, I would unhesitatingly move to whatever city the kids live in. They are my life at this point. But it would still be awful knowing I'm living in a city (small town, really) surrounded by a network of her family who all have been told nothing but lies about me.

[M30USA]

One thing I need to add:

 

I seriously don't want her to get a domestic violence charge on her record. Once it's on there, it's permanant and she might not be able to get a normal job in the future. But for crying out loud...can't she just ask me for forgiveness? I would forgive her! That's the sad part. Most people would say that I shouldn't even do that, but I would! SHE JUST WON'T SAY SHE IS SORRY. So I really have no other choice. I have declined her move to have the charge removed and now she faces trial.

[SoleMate]

I have called the police twice on her. The second time--3 months ago--she was actually arrested because I had visible bruising on my body from when she took a long board over my body about 4 times in a rage. This woman has a serious rage problem.

She hit you with a board? That is completely unacceptable. You need more than just an apology. She needs some kind of counselling or treatment to control her rage and violence. Of course, first she has to want to change. I would focus more on getting her into treatment than getting an apology. Please keep in mind that if she'll beat on a grown man "because of his porn addiction" (not an excuse for violence, BTW), she may well beat on the children too when they fail to clean their rooms or track mud on the carpet.

 

I'm always curious....did she use to be peaceable and reasonable, then went off the rails? Or has she always been like this? Have you tried counselling, either individual for both of you (or just you) and then maybe marriage counselling?

[M30USA]

SoleMate,

 

She has always been that way. Her first act of violence against me happened 2 months after marriage. In full disclosure so as to be as unbiased as possible, this first attack on me, she says, was because she found an adult website link on my computer from just before our marriage. There was general sexual commentary made by me but I had no ongoing communication with any of the women there. She found a pic I put of myself on the forum and that's what made her snap.

 

I agree with you about her potential violence against children. But she went into court accusing ME of child abuse! She also told the cop that I actually kicked her! What she was referring to was a time when my wife attacked me in my sleep and my limbs shot up everywhere cuz I was scared to death and like WTF?

Edited May 22, 2012 by M30USA

[Downtown]

M30USA, the behaviors you describe -- physical and verbal abuse, lying, mean vindictiveness, temper tantrums, rapid Jekyll-Hyde transformations, black-white thinking, and inability to trust -- are classic traits of BPD, as you already surmised. I lived for 15 years with my exW, who has BPD. Throughout that entire period, I spent a small fortune taking her to weekly visits with six different psychologists -- all to no avail.

 

Of course, only a professional can determine whether your W's BPD traits are so severe as to satisfy 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having full-blown BPD. This does not imply, however, that you cannot spot the red flags, i.e., strong occurrences of BPD traits. There is nothing subtle about traits such as physical abuse, temper tantrums, and black-white thinking.

 

Significantly, a recent Canadian psychiatric study (pub. 2006) found that nearly all spouse batterers have a personality disorder at the diagnostic level. It also found that half of the batterers have full-blown BPD. See Romeo's Bleeding - When Mr. Right Turns Out To Be Mr. Wrong -- Health & Wellness -- Sott.net.

 

If you would like to read about typical BPDer behavior, I suggest you check out my several posts in Rebel's thread about his abusive exGF. They start at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3398735. If that discussion rings a bell, I would be happy to discuss it with you and point you to excellent online resources. Take care, M30USA.

Edited May 23, 2012 by Downtown

[M30USA]

Downtown,

 

How do I possibly go about getting her to see a professional who could diagnose her with Bipolar or Borderline? The very problem is denial on all accounts. Even more concerning to me than her assault is her denial of having done anything wrong--she says I made her do it. How can this blatant denial change? Even marriage counseling is useless without first addressing a personality disorder like this.

[Downtown]

Downtown, How do I possibly go about getting her to see a professional who could diagnose her with Bipolar or Borderline?

You DON'T. She is the only one who can change her own behavior. Unless she badly wants to change, there is absolutely nothing that you and a team of psychologists can do about it. Moreover, if you insist that she go to IC as a condition of staying married, she likely will just play mind games with the psychologists -- as my exW did for 15 years at enormous expense to me.

 

Even if you get her to go to a psychologist, it may be two years before he sees any of the bad behavior you see every week. It is a cake walk for a BPDer -- if that is what your W is -- to hide her dark side when she wants to, especially given that she only has to hide it for 50 minutes a week during a therapy session. Moreover, even if the psych does diagnose the BPD traits, there is little chance he will tell her -- much less tell YOU -- for the reasons I discussed in those other posts.

 

Hence, your best chance of obtaining a candid professional opinion (not a formal diagnosis) is to see your OWN psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself. Keep in mind that your W's therapist is NOT YOUR FRIEND. If she sees a therapist, he will be ethically bound to protect his sick client's interests, not yours. Hence, relying on your W's therapist for candid advice during the marriage would be as foolish as relying on her attorney for advice during a divorce. You therefore should obtain your own attorney and psychologist to find out exactly what it is you are dealing with.

 

As to your belief that she has "Bipolar or Borderline," you cannot make a diagnosis. You are capable, however, of spotting the red flags. I am not a psychologist but I did live with a BPDer exW for 15 years and I've taken care of a bipolar foster son for longer than that. Moreover, I took both of them to a long series of psychologists for 15 years. Based on those experiences, I have found eight clear differences between the two disorders.

 

One difference is that the mood swings are on two very different spectrums having different polar extremes. Whereas a bipolar sufferer swings between mania and depression, a BPDer flips back and forth between loving you and hating you. Significantly, you've made no mention of mania occurring at all. Instead, you've talked about an outpouring of hatred and venom from your W.

 

A second difference is seen in the frequency of mood changes. Bipolar mood swings are very slow because they are caused by gradual changes in body chemistry. They are considered rapid if as many as four occur in a year. In contrast, four BPD mood changes can easily occur in four days. The latter therefore seems consistent with your description of numerous temper tantrums.

 

A third difference is seen in duration. Whereas bipolar moods typically last a week or two, BPD rages typically last only a few hours (and rarely as long as 36 hours). Again, these short-duration rages are consistent with with the tantrums you describe.

 

A fourth difference is seen in the speed with which the mood change develops. Whereas a bipolar change typically will build slowly over two weeks, a BPD change typically occurs in less than a minute -- often in only 10 seconds -- because it is event-triggered by some innocent comment or action. Significantly, the behavior you describe -- e.g., attacking you suddenly with a board -- is consistent with these event-triggered outbursts.

 

A fifth difference is that, whereas bipolar can be treated very successfully in at least 80% of victims by swallowing a pill, BPD cannot be managed by medication because it arises from childhood damage to the emotional core -- not from a change in body chemistry.

 

A sixth difference is that, whereas bipolar disorder can cause people to be irritable and obnoxious during the manic phase, it does not rise to the level of meanness and vindictiveness you see when a BPDer is splitting you black. That difference is HUGE: while a manic person may regard you as an irritation, a BPDer can perceive you as Hitler and will treat you accordingly. This seems consistent with your description of very hateful, spiteful behavior.

 

A seventh difference is that, whereas a bipolar sufferer is not usually angry, a BPDer is filled with anger that has been carried inside since early childhood. You only have to say or do some minor thing to trigger a sudden release of that anger -- which is consistent with your description.

 

Finally, an eighth difference is that a bipolar sufferer -- whether depressed or manic -- usually is able to trust you if he or she knows you well. Untreated BPDers, however, are unable to trust for an extended period. Before they can trust others, they must first learn how to trust and love themselves. Hence, if your W is a BPDer, this would explain why she perceives your porn experience as so threatening.

 

Sadly, this lack of trust means there is no foundation on which to build a relationship. Moreover -- and I learned this the hard way -- when people cannot trust you, you can never trust them because they can turn on you at any time -- and almost certainly will, as you have already seen.

 

Yet, despite these eight clear differences between the two disorders, many people confuse the two. One source of this confusion seems to be the fact that a substantial portion of BPD sufferers (about 25%) also have the bipolar disorder.

The very problem is denial on all accounts. Even more concerning to me than her assault is her denial of having done anything wrong--she says I made her do it. How can this blatant denial change?

If she has strong BPD traits, the denial likely will NOT change. If a BPDer is cornered, she typically will not hesitate to lie her way out of it. Most of what you are seeing, however, probably is not lying. Instead, it likely is "projection," one of the hallmarks of a BPDer.

 

BPDers have such fragile, unstable egos that their subconscious minds protect them from seeing too much of reality. That is accomplished by projecting all bad thoughts and flaws onto the spouse. The reason that projection works so beautifully to protect the ego is that it works entirely at the subconscious level, allowing her conscious mind to truly believe the nonsense coming out of her mouth. Unlike lying, then, projection is entirely guilt-free.

Even marriage counseling is useless without first addressing a personality disorder like this.

Yes, I agree that MC likely will be a waste of time if she is an untreated BPDer. And, sadly, IC likely will be unproductive as well. Although BPDers have a vague awareness that something is wrong with them, their BPD traits and distorted thinking nonetheless are invisible to them. This is the main reason why it is so difficult to treat BPDers.

 

Indeed, therapist Shari Schreiber says you have a better chance flying to the moon strapped to a banana than ever seeing a BPDer stay in therapy long enough to make a difference. Although there are excellent treatment programs available, I would be surprised if as many as 1% of BPDers have the ego strength and self awareness to take advantage of such treatment.

At first I thought she was the woman of my dreams. It almost seemed too perfect to be true.

Yes, BPDers are very VERY easy to fall in love with. At the beginning, they typically idealize you and adore you. The sex typically is the most passionate you will experience in your lifetime. On top of that, they will mirror your best personality features -- leading you BOTH to believe that you've found your soul mate. That adoration fades away, however, when the infatuation evaporates.

What I don't understand is that I've told her parents several times about the physical violence and they seem to not really think it's a huge deal.

In a recent study (pub. 2008), 70% of the BPDers reported having been abused or abandoned in early childhood. Hence, if your W is a BPDer, don't expect any sympathy or understanding from her parents.

Her mother and father gave me their "word" that they would bring them back at the agreed date and time. Never happened.

Like I said, you should expect that the apple fell close to the tree.

Every time I speak with her it's like she confuses the heck out of me and I can't think rationally.

That behavior is called "gaslighting." It is one of the hallmarks of BPDers. It is named after the classic 1944 movie, Gaslight, in which a husband tries to drive his new wife crazy so as to have her institutionalized, allowing him to run off with the family jewels. One of his tricks is to turn the house gas lights down a tiny bit every day -- all the while claiming that he is able to see and read just fine.

 

Significantly, of the several dozen mental disorders listed in the diagnostic manual, BPD is the ONLY ONE that is notorious for making a large share of the non-disordered spouses feel like they may be going crazy. Narcissists and sociopaths, for example, will make you feel worthless and miserable but are far less likely to make you feel like you may be losing your mind.

She flat out DENIED ever hitting me...in a court of law. She committed perjury at least 10 times during the hearing.

At the end of my 15 year marriage, my exW did the same. Specifically, she had me arrested and thrown into jail for 3 days by alleging I had "brutalized" her, a totally bogus charge. Even after I got out of jail, I was unwilling to divorce her. What changed my mind was seeing her stand up in court and make the same claim in front of a judge and my adult step children. I simply could not believe she was capable of doing such a thing. With BPDers, however, that behavior is very common.

It's like walking on eggshells with her.

This is why the #1 best-selling BPD book (targeted to the abused spouses) is called Stop Walking on Eggshells.

I fear she just wants to get me to drop the charges, then once that's done she will leave and then next time I will be screwed, especially if she tries to pull another new false allegation against me.

Absolutely. Don't drop the charges. This may be your ONLY chance to get her outrageous behavior on record. Even if she has full-blown BPD, there is about ZERO chance of finding a psychologist who will go into court and testify to that effect. Hence, to maximize your chances of being able to protect your children -- especially when they get older and she feels threatened by their having their own minds -- it is important to have this guilty charge on record.

I seriously don't want her to get a domestic violence charge on her record. Once it's on there, it's permanant and she might not be able to get a normal job in the future.

Please STOP thinking that way! That is the same enabling behavior that got you into this mess to begin with. If your W is to have any chance of confronting her issues and learning how to grow up -- any chance at all -- she must be allowed to suffer the logical consequences of her own bad behavior.

 

By sheltering her from those consequences, you are harming her -- in the same way her mother did by spoiling her all those years in childhood. If your W is a BPDer, she has the emotional development of a 3 or 4 year old. It is time you allowed her to start growing up. And it is time you start thinking about protecting your children, and yourself, by getting that assault charge on a permanent record. "Permanent" is important because, even if you divorce her, she is going to be intruding into your life at least until the kids are in their twenties.

 

By the way, M30USA, did you have time yet to check out the posts at the link I provided above? Did they ring any bells?

[M30USA]

Downtown,

 

Thanks for the great information.

 

What I still don't understand is how my wife developed her disorder. She wasnt abused or abandoned in childhood--as far as I'm aware. But interestingly I've read an article by a professional counselor which says that children of spoiled, overprivelaged and underdisciplined families often exhibit the same negative behavioral traits as those from abused or neglected families.

Edited May 23, 2012 by M30USA

[Downtown]

What I still don't understand is how my wife developed her disorder. She wasnt abused or abandoned in childhood.

Nobody has proven to a certainty what it is that causes BPD. Although it is not believed to result from a disease, the actual cause has not been proven. The generally accepted theory is that BPD arises partly due to genetics and partly due to an invalidating childhood environment (e.g., as would occur with an emotionally withholding mother, abandonment, or abuse).

 

This theory is consistent with recent empirical results showing that 70% of BPDers report having such bad experiences in childhood. This evidence "suggests" that an abusive childhood by itself (even absent the genetics) may be sufficient to cause BPD if the abuse is severe enough.

 

Likewise, the fact that 30% of BPDers report no such abuse strongly "suggests" that, even if the parents do everything perfectly, the child still will develop BPD if the genetics are strong enough to predispose the child to having that disorder. Of course, the problem with all correlation studies like this is that they can only demonstrate that two factors are strongly associated with each other. They cannot prove causality.

[john4jane]

jeez, i thought i was the only one who was going through this!! i have to say your story and mine are almost identical. you should listen to downtowns advice in regards to bpd because it just may be relevant. ive been seperated almost four months now. ive been a victim of physical abuse,been accused of child abuse, and i been in and out of court around 8 times since we seperated. i know you still love your wife as i still love my wife and i also feel as if we can still reconcile. to me the issues you are having seems as if we are married to the same person! lol that being said i also wanted you to know that you are not alone.downtowns advice certainly helped in my situation, and may help in yours too

Edited May 24, 2012 by john4jane

[Downtown]

John, welcome to the LoveShack forum. It is much more active than the one we met on. Thanks for the kind words. I'm glad to hear you found the BPD information helpful even though, until you get the D behind you, it is still going to be a rough ride.

jeez, i thought i was the only one who was going through this!!

With 6% of the population having full-blown BPD -- and perhaps another 2 or 3% having it at a strong level -- this is a common problem, probably as common as left handedness. And the hurting partners are even more numerous. BPDers typically leave numerous abused partners and spouses in their wake.

 

On this forum alone, many people have recently told stories similar to those told by M30USA and you. If you want to see more, I suggest you check out Rebel's story at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3398735, Lovesunk's story at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/276094-unsure-if-i-made-right-decision#post3375418, and Pat's story at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/307257-need-some-gf-issues#post3736365. Moreover, you will find a hundred similar stories by clicking on my name to the left and selecting "Find More Posts."

[M30USA]

jeez, i thought i was the only one who was going through this!! i have to say your story and mine are almost identical. you should listen to downtowns advice in regards to bpd because it just may be relevant. ive been seperated almost four months now. ive been a victim of physical abuse,been accused of child abuse, and i been in and out of court around 8 times since we seperated. i know you still love your wife as i still love my wife and i also feel as if we can still reconcile. to me the issues you are having seems as if we are married to the same person! lol that being said i also wanted you to know that you are not alone.downtowns advice certainly helped in my situation, and may help in yours too

 

Wow, I'm sure we can learn from each other. So has anyone filed for divorce?

[john4jane]

unlike you two, we have restraining orders on each other! i dont want a divorce,but i dont really know what she wants. our child was five days old when we seperated and now she is almost four months. so for now im thinking of my daughters best interest. my only problem i have is the comunication we are lacking. heres a link to my original post marriage crisis - 2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums me and my spouse dont really condone divorce so i dont see it as happening but who knows.

[M30USA]

John,

 

We also have restraining orders on each other. In my state it's mandated for both parties the second someone files. However, my wife had an ernegency protective order against her once she got arrested. This is now expired and it's now a dual protective order.

[john4jane]

although here in the U.S. marriage isnt that big of a deal anymore with ppl getting divorced like its out of style, i was never one to walk away from a problem but rather face it head on yes im a knucklehead:o. i couldnt tell you how many ppl ridiculed me for trying to stay in the marriage but regardles of what they say, she is still my wife. just like your inlaws, mine are the same way. my wife cant do any wrong.she gets everything she wants.there were times it would be 20 degrees outside and we would have the central air blowing inside because of her hormones.not sure if your taking it as bad as i am though but when we seperated i was at 205lbs now im down to 168lbs due to stress.although i cant tell you what to do,i feel as if when you said i do to her, you told her i will ride it out through thick and thin till death do us apart.and if anything, do research on her supposed bpd, so that way you will see the signs and know how to handle it

Edited May 25, 2012 by john4jane

[M30USA]

John,

 

So are you getting divorced or just separated? You seem to be advising that a man stay with his wife through thick and thin, but you are separated?

[john4jane]

as i have said i dont want one, but since we cant contact each other because of those restraining order. i cant say for sure if she wants one or not. and in this state, you have to stay seperated for a year before you file for divorce. she said in child custody mediation that she wants to work things out between us but not now. us being seperated wasnt mutual. but she never said the d word.

Edited May 25, 2012 by john4jane

[M30USA]

as i have said i dont want one, but since we cant contact each other because of those restraining order. i cant say for sure if she wants one or not. and in this state, you have to stay seperated for a year before you file for divorce. she said in child custody mediation that she wants to work things out between us but not now. us being seperated wasnt mutual. but she never said the d word.

 

Unless your state is different than mine, a restraining order does NOT stop you from speaking on phone or in person. My wife claimed the same thing (that she wasn't allowed to speak to me) but I had it pointed out that she was wrong about this. So check the fine print of order. It probably says neither party shall communicate in a threatening or offensive manner. Maybe most people play it safe and don't talk because they don't have self control, but if you have self control there's nothing to worry about.

[john4jane]

on the restraing orders it states no contact through phone email family friends etc. although she has contacted me with letters in regards to our childs welfare, and she has called my mother in regards to my daughter.

[M30USA]

on the restraing orders it states no contact through phone email family friends etc. although she has contacted me with letters in regards to our childs welfare, and she has called my mother in regards to my daughter.

 

Really!? How is a couple supposed to consider reconciliation when that communication barrier is enforced? And these are the very same states that have a "cool off" period for the purpose of salvaging a marriage which still has a chance. Strange.

[M30USA]

I want everyone's take on what happened at my court-ordered mediation settlement:

 

Right now she is living with her family almost 200 miles away. I got the marriage home in the temporary orders. We have a 50-50 split with the kids. Alternating weeks since they aren't in school yet.

 

She doesn't work. However I heard that she got a "job" out of town where she is staying with her parents.

 

My ideal situation would be where both of us live HERE and I would give her the house and even give her domicile (with about 55% custody). This is more than my lawyer thinks she would normally get since she is currently being charged with domestic violence.

 

Anyway...in the mediation, she offered to move HERE under the following requirements: she gets house (fine), she gets domicile (fine), she gets child support (fine, but we negotiated to 1/2 of standard amount).

 

I also negotiated a little bit more than standard possession so that I would get roughly 45% custody.

 

It was about to get settled. Then the mediator said she just started having a meltdown and couldn't even communicate. They gave her about 30 minutes but it didn't help. Her lawyer tried to calm her but she wound up leaving the mediation without an agreement. Out of courtesy, she was granted 48 hours by the mediator to give a decision.

 

I was surprised to find out--according to the mediator--that her own father was "pushing for her to move to your town". Granted, she would get the house and domicile (with county-limited restrictions). But the reason I'm surprised is that she (and I) have no family in this city. And her parents are so smothering that it surprised me they would say that.

 

I'm wondering if she will still accept this offer or if she will make it go to court.

 

What are your views?

[Downtown]

M30, thanks for giving us such a detailed update of the mediation effort. If she doesn't accept your generous offer within the 48 hours, my suggestion is to later make the same offer to her -- through your attorney. She apparently is very emotionally unstable and, hence, it makes no sense to yield on an agreement she may well accept when she is more stable.

 

As to her smothering parents, it speaks volumes about your W's eratic and disastrous behavior that they are not only wanting her out of their house -- but also out of town, so she can live near you.

[M30USA]

Downtown,

 

That's the thing. I'm not sure if her dad is pushing her to move here because they are tired if her OR because they know it's the only way she will get domicile and house.