Unsure if I Made the Right Decision

[LoveSunk]

Hi all, I'm new to this and have appreciated reading through some of your stories in my time of emotional distress....I would love to hear others' thoughts on my situation.

 

About a month ago I ended my relationship with my then girlfriend of 8 months. A little background...I'm 27, she's 22. We started dating when we were working together, and until we broke up we were working together and spending a lot of time away from work together so we were together a lot. She's the type who doesn't stay single long (I think she's said she hasn't been single for over 2 weeks) and I'm the type who rarely gets into serious relationships and values my independence (to a fault possibly). I guess I've always had some doubts about our relationship to some degree, but we had a lot of good times and she is a very loving person, so I've been afraid that I just have a grass is greener on the other side mentality. I mean, I'm not perfect and can get jealous from time to time, but there were somewhat legitimate reasons to be. At the same time, her insecurities were often way beyond rational (such as being jealous of my cousin's wife or my female friend who's boyfriend is standing right there). She has told me before that she's damaged goods (daddy issues and whatnot), but I tend to see the goodness in her and want to help her come around to being the strong person she should be. We had way more good times than bad, and the worst times were generally fueled by alcohol.

 

Things came to a head for me, however, when I recently found out I'll be going to law school next year in a town about 45 minutes away. I know it's not that far, but she doesn't have a car of her own and I've always driven her around, plus I won't be able to work and will be living off a very tight school loan budget on top of my studies at school. I've never been a fan of long distance relationships so our issues on top of that prospect started building up in my mind and making me distant...which she could detect. It all ended in a birthday trip to Vegas for me with her and some friends of mine where she went into complete MELT-DOWN mode (albeit fueled by alcohol). I won't go into every detail here, but it was pretty bad...just the way she acted on the trip should've been enough evidence for me to know that we couldn't work in a LDR, albeit a 45 minute LDR, but after we got back she was calling and writing trying to say she see's what I've been saying and wants to keep fighting for me, while trying to fix herself. I first said that we should at least take a break, but then decided it was probably best to just call it a break up (I thought it was more fair for her instead of making her just wait for me to make up my mind if I ever did). I said that I wanted to still remain friends, but she is too hurt at the moment to speak and now I'm seeing that it isn't that easy to remain friends. We are still friends on facebook (I know, I know...bad) and she keeps putting posts about all the fun things she's doing and now all her dude friends are chatting her up. I know that she's probably just posting that stuff for me to read (frequently posting "life is good" and how much she's changed), but it's working. I've stopped reading facebook completely because it hurts too much to read her posts.

I have a lot of male friends that have long term girlfriends and they tell me stories that sound just as bad if not worse than some of mine and her issues, yet they stuck through it and now they are living pretty happy lives together. Plus I know of at least one long distance relationship that worked (and it's hard to call ours long distance since it would be only 45 minutes away, but we wouldn't be seeing each other much). Now, I'm lonely and thinking of all the good times we had and wondering if I gave up too soon or too easily. If I wasn't going away to school I probably would've stuck with it and tried to work it out, but I felt I was making the best long term decision for us both by breaking it off and probably saving us both from future sorrow and hardship. I feel like obviously, I'll have a new life when I move and I'm excited for it (the town I'm moving to is a beautiful and fun college town) but I have to wait til August until it starts. In the meantime I'm here alone, constantly thinking about her and wondering if I made the right decision. I keep hearing contrasting quotes...like "Love should set you free, not make you captive" or "If you have someone who loves you then that is worth fighting for" or "When you meet the right person, you'll know". I feel like all it would take is a call to her and I can get rid of this sorrow and maybe we would live happily ever after...but at the same time maybe my initial instincts were right and it is best to have ended things now instead of going through tough times while at law school (which is very important to me to succeed in). I'm insecure about my decision and keep getting this urge to call her and try and work this out, but I don't know if the urge is borne of love or just emotional longing and insecurity. I've never been in this situation before where I was the one who broke up with someone and couldn't get over her soon after. I don't want to call her now in order to relieve this current pain, only to cause future pain, but I also don't want to be the person who gave up on someone who loved them more than anything (for fear of the future or selfish reasons). Like I said, we had way more good times than bad, and I'm just not sure when something is worth fighting for or when it's best to go different ways...any help? (hope this wasn't too long )

[Downtown]

LoveSunk, welcome to the LoveShack forum. What you are describing has nothing to do with a long distance relationship. Most of us on this forum live in large cities where 45 minutes will get us only half way across town. Instead, you are describing difficulties caused by a 22 year old woman who is immature and emotionally unstable, two hallmarks of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

 

Yet, if she really does have strong BPD traits, there are a number of other BPD traits she likely would have -- but which you make no mention of. Hence, I suggest you take a look at my description of such traits in Inigo's thread to see if they sound familiar. My three posts in that thread begin at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2826453#post2826453. If that discussion rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you.

[LoveSunk]

Wow Downtown, reading everything you pointed me towards made some things go "ding ding ding" in my head. BPD can very well be what my ex suffers from. I'll give you some more details about some of the red flags..

 

Regarding still having coping mechanisms of a 4 year old, she still has and uses her "blankey" and teddy bear for comfort that she had as a baby, even though the blanket is nasty and decrepit now (seriously it's pretty gross and her family knows about it). She also has very irrational fears (e.g. was deathly afraid of serial killers when we stayed at a cabin in the mountains and had intense fear of doctors and needles, so much so that the doctors were in disbelief).

She definitely didn't get the validation she needed when she was a kid from her parents, especially her dad and went through high school as somewhat of a bad kid from how she describes it. On top of that, her dad is also very emotionally unstable (nice one day, cold the next, which goes with BPD running in the family) so whenever she wouldn't get the validation she needed from him she would melt down. Honestly, her dad did have issues, but often times she made his actions sound worse than what they really probably were, or at least they affected her more than they should. Her dad seemed to love his cat more than his kids sometimes and one day when the cat went missing the dad secluded himself in his office and she was going through a melt down because she was afraid of what he was going to do...her sister and mom would always dismiss her reactions but all I could do is talk her down telling her that now I'm there for her so it won't be like the past (knight in shining armor right?). Her family knows she acts irrationally and has these weird tendencies but they don't really care to do much about them. She claims to have attempted suicide before by overdosing (which scares the crap out of me) and cuts herself when she is feeling very bad emotionally. She never cut herself when we were dating as far as I know but she did on the trip to Vegas last month and she made sure to tell me, which of course made me feel bad.

When she was breaking up with her previous bf and we started dating initially, she would tell me about how much he was crying and so on, but I have recently heard differently.

She would need constant validation from me and from work. If I was at home playing video games and hadn't texted her for an hour or so then she would get upset even though we saw each other all day at work and had been texting before. When we hired a new girl at work she became extremely insecure and if she wasn't constantly being patted on the back she would think she's unappreciated, but in retrospect there was probably nothing that could be done to not make her feel that way.

I can think of only one time we went out together and met up with friends of mine that the night didn't end in a complete melt-down.

The weird thing is, our relationship started off very open and mature. If one of us had an issue it was expected that the person bring it out and talk about it. However, as time passed, it turned into a one way street where I was expected to talk if I had an issue but if she had an issue it was ok to withdraw and act very cold because that's how she deals with things and she doesn't want to say or do anything out of emotional upheaval. She was good at playing games with me and knew how to make me jealous by talking with her many guy-friends or by just being cold and quiet. Sometimes she'd be more mature than me and others she'd be the complete opposite.

She told me herself that when she drinks she gets flirtatious and there were several instances when she wasn't drinking that I had to make her set boundaries with her guy friends because she wasn't setting them. I couldn't trust her, but I usually see that as a fault of mine, especially now that we are broken up and I miss her.

It's been so difficult now that we are broken up because I keep remembering the good times, which there were a lot of. I mean, a lot of it has to do with the sack because wow we had some amazing, unbridled sex at times, but more importantly we also seemed to connect emotionally a lot too. Just writing this whole thing now and recounting all the red flags makes me think..."wtf? How did I stay with this girl for so long?" but I still have this emotional bond to her that is inside of me and I can't shake it...I care about her still.

Another part of the posts which you pointed me to that rang true was the part discussing codependency. I can definitely see myself in this category because although I don't get into serious relationships too often, when I do, I am full-bore and often give up parts of myself in order to make the relationship work. I always tell myself that I won't next time, but I do anyways. I definitely wanted to help my ex out and I got great joy being the one that was there for her, understanding of her issues. I can see how it was enjoyment of being needed and I can see, like you said, that I have a desire to be needed instead of just loved (hard to feel loved if not needed). I can definitely at times have narcissistic traits, especially when I'm single, but when I care about someone I lose myself in them. Maybe this has caused me to avoid relationships to some degree. I dunno, but the readings you have shown me put a lot of things into perspective Downtown, thank you very much. I would love to hear anything else you may have discerned from what I just wrote. Thanks!

[Downtown]

LoveSunk, I glad to hear you found the BPD information helpful. When someone gave it to me, I felt like the storm clouds had parted.

she still has and uses her "blankey" and teddy bear for comfort that she had as a baby, even though the blanket is nasty and decrepit now (seriously it's pretty gross and her family knows about it).

Because most BPDers had a bad childhood (70% report childhood abandonment or abuse), it is common for them to keep things, like dolls or toys, that allow them to play out having a nice childhood. My foster son, for example, was once dating a woman who exhibited strong BPD traits in the way she was treating him. I wasn't sure of it, however, until I ventured into her room and saw hundreds of miniature dolls lined up in tidy rows on every shelf and table.

Another part of the posts which you pointed me to that rang true was the part discussing codependency.

Like me, you are a caregiver who is at considerable risk of running into the arms of another woman like your exGF. It is important for us to take care not to mistake desperate need for genuine, mature love. Unfortunately, it is difficult to find consistent information about codependency on the Internet. This is because the American Psychiatric Association has never agreed on a definition. Indeed, the members have never even agreed that it constitutes a disorder.

 

Hence, when you are talking about codependency, you are in an area of psychology that overlaps religion and sociology. Indeed, Christianity generally holds codependent self-sacrificial behavior up as the path to heaven. If you want to read about, I suggest the book, "Codependent No More." I suggest you avoid CoDA (Codependents Anonymous), the largest national organization devoted to this issue. On its website, it lists more than 50 "traits" for codependency -- as many traits as the diagnostic manual (DSM-IV) lists for all ten personal disorders combined. Clearly, CoDA will add anything to that list that any of its 12,000 local chapters (i.e., local contributors) wants.

I still have this emotional bond to her that is inside of me and I can't shake it...I care about her still.

For your own safety, you should stay away from her. But don't try to let go of the love. Love is a good thing. Although my exW left me four years ago and I would not take her back, I still love her. The only things you and I need to get rid of are the oppressive feelings of guilt and obligation. Letting go of those two feelings will set you free from the relationship that was toxic to both of you. The way to do that is to read enough to where you understand that the only way you can stay in a relationship with her is to keep walking on eggshells, i.e., to do the enabling behavior like soothing that permits her to continue acting like a four year old.

 

That behavior destroys any chance she has of confronting her illness and learning how to manage it with self-soothing, learning how to regulate her emotions, and learning how to intellectually challenge her intense feelings instead of accepting them as facts. As I noted in the Inigo posts, a good resource for articles and forum help on BPD and Codependency issues is BPDfamily.com. And there are a number of us here at LoveShack who will be supportive as long as you feel we are being helpful.

Edited May 1, 2011 by Downtown

[LoveSunk]

Thanks again Downtown for the wise advice. I will indeed read up more on BPD to try and gain more incite into it, because knowledge does set free. At first I felt great relief when I read the info you pointed me to because things started making sense, but now some if it feels like a tough pill to swallow. For instance, it seems like if this were the case that she has BPD then the last 8 months were all a lie in some way and all those feelings that I thought we shared were somewhat of a facade. Have I deceived myself that much or been deceived? That's hard to take.

 

In some way, I kind of knew the whole time that things weren't the way they seemed and that she wasn't in a stable place psychologically or emotionally, but I still got to know her at a very deep level and we cared about each other at a deep level. In a way it feels like I'm a failure because I'm the one who ended things even though she wanted to keep working at them. Maybe it's the caregiver in me, but I see the person who she can be and I want to help her. I can see her being the type of woman I would love to marry. Typing this even, a voice in my head is saying "c'mon man, your instincts said you should break up" but my heart and emotions just want to try and make it work. It kills me to think that she could be close to changing but I might've dipped out early and the next guy will get her all to his self or whatever. I have a close friend who has been dating a girl for over 5 years now that for the first 3 or 4 years exhibited hardcore issues that would fall into the BPD designation and make my ex look like a saint, but he stuck with her and now they are living a happy life together about to get engaged....so part of me feels like I'm just giving up on someone I love. How do you know when it's time to move on or when it's time to fight? Maybe fighting wouldn't change anything like you said, and it would only hurt her more by enabling....it's just hard to think of our relationship and my trying to be there for her as being toxic for her. Like isn't there something to be said for just being there for someone?

[Downtown]

it seems like, if this were the case that she has BPD, then the last 8 months were all a lie in some way and all those feelings that I thought we shared were somewhat of a facade. Have I deceived myself that much or been deceived? That's hard to take.

At most websites targeted to Nons like us, you will often be told that BPDers are very manipulative and deceiving. The Nons at those sites are often single-mindedly focused on persuading newbie-Nons to run to safety. They therefore often end up portraying BPDers in a such a negative manner that they are exhibiting the same black-white thinking they are so quick to criticize when seeing it in BPDers.

 

My view is that, yes, BPDers are usually controlling. And sometimes they try to be manipulative but they are very bad at it. Successful manipulation requires good planning and flawless execution -- neither of which BPDers excel at because they are so reactive. Hence, no matter what they scheme and plan, BPDers end up shooting from the hip in reaction to whatever intense feeling is moving through them at the moment.

 

And, yes, to pull you back into the relationship, a BPDer will be so desperately determined to win you over that she will momentarily admit to any mistake and promise you whatever is necessary. She will get a tunnel vision in which she is focused -- obsessed, actually -- on winning you back.

 

And, yes, because a BPDer is filled with self loathing and shame, she may not hesitate to lie to avoid admitting to a mistake or a flaw. The last thing she wants to do is add one more thing to the long list of things she hates about herself.

 

That said, most of the things she said to you -- no matter how outrageous -- she probably believed when she was saying them. Splitting and projection work like a charm. They work so well to protect her fragile ego because they work subconsciously, allowing her to believe -- at a conscious level -- much of what is coming out of her mouth. Hence, when she was telling you that she loved and adored you, she meant it because she was splitting you white -- i.e., she had totally split off the part of her mind that had misgivings about you. To a lesser extent, we all do that. It's called "infatuation."

 

And, because she is too immature to handle ambiguities, she was very uncomfortable thinking of you as "an essentially good guy who occasionally does bad things." That is why she idealized you, splitting you white -- not gray. Likewise, when she was devaluing you, she believed that too -- thinking in those moments that you were the devil. Consequently, when you read somewhere that it was all fake and all deception, don't believe it. People who write that don't understand the pernicious and crippling nature of this disorder.

 

When you two first met, for example, she was not deceiving you by pretending to be your soul mate. Rather, she was behaving in the same way she had been behaving -- since early childhood -- whenever she walked into a room and met new people. Having no strong sense of who she is, she would figure out how the other person expects her to behave, and she would then act in that manner. This is why your exGF almost certainly behaves very differently around different types of people.

 

To me, that behavior does not reflect "manipulation and deception" but, rather, simply a little girl's lifetime effort to fit in and be loved. This means that her 10-second flips from adoring you to hating you does NOT demonstrate that she has flipped from one deception to another. Instead, it demonstrates her emotional instability. Her perception of your intentions and motivations are usually being distorted by her intense feelings, with the result that she sometimes attributes god-like or devil-like qualities to you. And, for a few hours at least, she believes they are real.

 

This brings us to the question all of us Nons most want answered: "Did she ever really love me?" Most guys at the "Non" websites will tell you that a BPDer is incapable of loving. I've never believed it. Rather, I believe that a BPDer loves very intensely and passionately -- but does so in the same immature way a four year old is able to love. How bad can that be, LoveSunk? I mean, you don't see fathers run screaming from their four year old daughters.

 

On the contrary, as any father will tell you, one of the greatest joys in life is go home and, on opening the front door, see his young daughter running toward him with outstretched arms. It is such a joy because young children experience a purity of emotion that is unhindered by any opposing feelings. Throughout adulthood, our expressions of love are always hampered by our mixed feelings, resulting in adult expressions where 80% of our facial muscles say "I love you" while the other 20% say "but I'm not so sure."

 

Indeed, it is this purity of emotions -- and the resulting warmth of expression -- that makes young children and BPDers so easy to fall in love with. My exW, for example, was so warm to complete strangers that, within 30 minutes, they felt they had known her for months. But, sadly, this immature love largely means "I desperately need you to love ME." Hence, while it is endearing in young children and BPDers, this form of love falls far short of what is needed to sustain a marriage. It also is insufficient to sustain a close friendship. This is why your exGF likely has no close long-term friends (unless they live a thousand miles away).

In a way it feels like I'm a failure because I'm the one who ended things even though she wanted to keep working at them.

Your decision to walk away from a BPDer relationship after just 8 months is a powerful sign that you have healthy, strong personal boundaries that you enforce. That is, you likely enjoyed 4 months of passionate sex, adoration, and bliss -- and then you were willing to spend another 4 months trying to restore those honeymoon conditions. Then you walked.

 

As a rough rule of thumb, healthy guys with good self esteem typically hang on for up to 12 months after the push-pull starts. You, sir, did well. VERY well! In contrast, I held on for 15 years, spending a small fortune taking my exW to a string of psychologists. Even after she had me thrown into jail on a bogus charge (so she could live rent free in my home), I still refused to go NC until 18 months later. Where were you 19 years ago when I needed you at the start of my relationship? I could have sat at your feet and learned from the master. Yes, an 8-year-old master, but a master nonetheless.

 

As to your guilt over her willingness "to keep working at things," a BPDer will blame you for everything no matter what you had done. Her reality is whatever emotional tide is sweeping through her mind at the moment. My exW, for example, is still convinced that I abandoned her and divorced her. She really believes it. Never mind that she had me thrown in jail and then barred from my own home for 18 months on a restraining order. And never mind that we both filed papers for divorce and that it was granted based on HER petition for divorce. With a BPDer, like a young child, whatever they are feeling is accepted as fact. On top of that, they typically will lie when cornered. If you are foolish enough to try to separate all the lies from all the thought distortions they have, you will drive yourself crazy.

Maybe it's the caregiver in me, but I see the person who she can be and I want to help her.

Yes, it's the "caregiver" in you. You were raised to be the fixer. As a boy, you were the little man in the family who smooths things over for other family members. So was I. Guys like us are completely out of our league, however, when we encounter BPDers. They really don't want to be saved. What they need is a man around who can support their view of themselves as perpetual victims -- the only thread of a self image they have left. They therefore desperately want to maintain that image. You met that need, during the honeymoon period, by being "the savior," thereby affirming your GF's role as "the victim." Likewise, you met that need when she protrayed you as "the perpetrator," which is why she blames every misfortune (e.g., the Vegas disaster and the breakup) on you. Hence, she found you just as valuable as "savior" or "perpetrator."

 

If you doubt the truth of that statement, just think back on what happened EVERY time you jumped into the raging seas and pulled her to safety: within two weeks, she jumped right back into the water. That was a WIN WIN for four months. She enjoyed being validated as the victim. And you enjoyed being the White Knight. What killed it for you -- but not her -- was the many times she was convinced you were the perpetrator, which gave her the same validation.

It kills me to think that she could be close to changing but I might've dipped out early and the next guy will get her all to his self.

If she has strong BPD traits as I suspect, it likely would be several years before you would notice an improvement if she entered a good therapy program tomorrow. Yet, it is very unlikely she will do that. Most BPDers (especially the high functioning ones like your exGF seems to be ), will immediately quit therapy on hearing that dreaded diagnosis. Most do not have sufficient self awareness to handle that knowledge and BPD is ego-syntonic, i.e., invisible to most victims because they've been thinking in that distorted manner their entire lives.

 

My high functioning BPDer exW, for example, willingly stayed in therapy for 15 years with six different therapists but never acknowledged having BPD. When I told her about it, she projected it back onto me, just as all the Non websites said she would do. Four years have passed and she likely still believes I have BPD. Never mind that she was the one sexually abused by her sociopath dad for years in childhood.

 

Further, even when a few BPDers manage to achieve that necessary level of self awareness -- and I've communicated with nearly a hundred of such remarkable individuals online -- most will not stay in therapy. This is why therapist Shari Schreiber says you have a better chance flying to the moon strapped to a banana than ever seeing a BPDer stay in therapy long enough to make a real difference.

I have a close friend who has been dating a girl for over 5 years now that for the first 3 or 4 years exhibited hardcore issues that would fall into the BPD designation and make my ex look like a saint, but he stuck with her and now they are living a happy life together about to get engaged....

Teenagers often exhibit BPD-type behavior due to their raging hormones, immaturity, inability to control impulses, and inexperience in building a LTR. It therefore is common for teens to exhibit a marked improvement in behavior when they become 19 or 20. Also, low functioning BPDers usually make a marked improvement on leaving the teenage years. Yet, as high functioning BPDers, they still can make your life miserable -- and their own lives miserable -- if you marry them before they've had years of treatment, which very likely will never occur.

 

So, if what you say is really true and if he is a very close friend, you might consider slipping an anonymous copy of "Stop Walking on Eggshells" onto the front seat of his car. Or a note suggesting that he write to me. I hate to see young people go down the path I took for 15 years. It almost never ends well and the toxic marriage likely will hurt the BPDers just as much as their codependent nonBPD partners.

Part of me feels like I'm just giving up on someone I love.

Yes, that's how it feels. But it is only a strong feeling. If you were a BPDer, you would accept it as reality, as a proven fact. Yet, because you are a "Non," you can challenge that feeling with your adult logic, which tells you that you did not give up at all. On the contrary, you simply established healthy personal boundaries and your exGF CHOSE to violate them -- dozens of times, over and over again. Unless you want to damage her chances of healing by coddling and enabling her, you must hold her responsible for HER own choices. That means enforcing your boundaries, as you've done so beautifully. Please, LoveSunk, hold fast to that course -- for her sake as well as your own.

How do you know when it's time to move on or when it's time to fight?

Stop fighting when you realize it is a lose-lose situation. With a BPDer, you will hurt her terribly by drawing away because she has a terrible fear of abandonment. And you will hurt her just as much by moving close and trying to heal her with your love. She cannot tolerate intimacy. Hence, trying to heal a BPDer with your love and reassurances is like trying to heal a burn patient by hugging her. Of course, you could avoid this lose-lose situation if a Goldilocks position existed between "too close" and "too far away." Yet, after searching for it for 15 years, I can confidentally tell you it does not exist.

Like isn't there something to be said for just being there for someone?

Absolutely. But when the "someone" is acting like a four year old, "just being there for them" is called being a parent. And when a person like that grows into adulthood, even the parents have to turn their child over to the guidance of professionals. Indeed, most psychologists don't have the specialized skills needed to treat a BPDer. They typically refer BPDers to a colleague who does.

At first I felt great relief when I read the info you pointed me to because things started making sense, but now some if it feels like a tough pill to swallow.

Indeed, it may be the toughest pill you ever have to swallow. For caregivers like us, the notion of walking away from a sick loved one is anathema. Doing so goes against our family values, our religion, our sense of purpose -- against every fiber of our being.

Typing this even, a voice in my head is saying "c'mon man, your instincts said you should break up" but my heart and emotions just want to try and make it work.

Like you, Cristoforo is struggling with the guilt holding him tied to a toxic relationship with a BPDer. Yesterday, I posted something that you may find helpful in his thread ("I Didn't Think Exes Could Be this Cruel"). I therefore will repeat it here. I told him that learning about BPD on an intellectual level is the easy part. You can do that in a few weeks. What is hard is internalizing the information -- converting knowledge into wisdom -- so that you feel it to be true at a gut level. To do that, you have to bring your inner child (i.e., the intuitive, emotional part of your mind) into alignment with your adult logic.

 

Because I had been in a 15 year relationship, it took me at least a year (and perhaps two) to accomplish that. After just two weeks of intense reading on the Internet, I had a pretty good understanding of what I needed to do to get out of the toxic relationship and why I needed to do it. Yet, because my child was over a year behind my adult, the child sabotaged my every effort to break away. It hindered me with nagging doubts, terrible guilt, and a strong feeling of obligation. It kept telling me that the theory floating around in the adult part of my mind was an insufficient basis on which to wholly abandon a loved one. Even after I had left her, I still refused to go No Contact for eight more months, at which point I finally realized she is incapable of ever being my friend.

 

My adult dragged my child -- with him kicking and screaming every inch of the way -- to that shocking truth. How do you accomplish that? How do you teach a child -- who had felt for forty years she was my best friend -- that she never had that capability?

 

To bring the child and adult into alignment, what helped me a little was talking about my new found knowledge to anyone who would listen. Well, that was good for a week. Then their eyes glazed over. So what helped the most was coming to this forum where I could discuss it with people who had been there, done that. Significantly, that helped my mind to associate feelings with each of the intellectual thoughts. That has to be done because the child only learns from emotional experiences -- not from logic.

 

Writing and talking will help you internalize the information, turning knowledge into wisdom -- by connecting thoughts to feelings. If you doubt that, simply ask any university professor about its effectiveness. They will quickly tell you they never had an intuitive, deep-level understanding of their subject matter until they had to teach it to someone else -- or had to write it down very precisely when doing research. Hence, what I found most helpful, Chris, is talking about it to anyone who listens and writing about it to anyone who writes back.

 

For all human beings, it seems true that the inner child makes at least 90% (if not 95%) of the important decisions. I was 50 years old before I understood that simple notion. And it took me 12 years to do it.

 

What happened was that, for 12 years, I took my bipolar foster son to a weekly family group meeting with the psychologist who was treating him. Whenever the psychologist challenged me on something, I always had an elaborate well-thought-out explanation for doing whatever I had chosen to do. Never mind that what I had chosen was not working with my foster son and never mind that I kept repeating the same pattern year after year.

 

The psychologist was always greatly amused by my explanations. He would laugh and point out, in his kindly fashion, that my elaborate rationalizations could not disguise the fact that my inner child -- not my adult -- was calling all the shots, making nearly all the decisions. In any contest between the adult and child, he claimed, the child would almost always win. But I just could not swallow that concept.

 

Yet, after twelve years of his gentle rebukes, it dawned on me one night -- right as I was about to drift into sleep -- why he had to be right. My inner child, I suddenly realized, is the sole judge of what is fun and what is not fun. That decision is all powerful. The adult part of my mind will nearly always conclude that it makes no sense -- indeed, would be preposterous -- to do something, go somewhere, or date someone I do not enjoy. My adult logic thus nearly always has to end up in the lap of my inner child.

 

This is why learning about my exW's problem (BPD) and my problem (codependency) is the easy part. What is difficult is internalizing that understanding, i.e., transforming that knowledge into wisdom, which requires that my feelings catch up with my intellectual thoughts.

 

Simply stated, I had to persuade my child that my adult views of my ex's illness and my own codependency are correct. Had I failed in that effort, I would have remain stuck in a destructive pattern -- repeating my past mistakes over and over, because my child will be calling nearly all the shots.

[LoveSunk]

Downtown, I want to thank you again for your sage wisdom and advice. It is truly kind of you to take the time out to help people such as myself that are going through a difficult time breaking up with someone who has these emotional/personality issues. At first, the information started clicking in my head and it helped me to feel better, but then I started bargaining and thinking how she doesn't necessarily fit into this BPD mold and how it isn't right for me to just give her this classification and think of her as untouchable or unhelpable (and sometimes I still do). However, the more I thought about things and how our relationship really was, everything just fits in too well with the BPD traits for it to be a coincidence. I honestly think I'm ready to let her go. It's like I see her for who she truly is and it has taken the smog from over my eyes...so many things have come into light now with these realizations and I now see the relationship for what it really was...a sham of sorts that I knew all along wouldn't work out to some degree. Honestly, I just always saw her as immature, but now, unfortunately I see her as more than just that...broken. Which sucks because of course I want to help her get help or tell her sister this realization so that maybe she could help her get help, but God only knows the BS that she's been telling her family and friends about me. All her ex-boyfriends she talked trash about I now relate to and feel understanding instead of the disdain I felt before from what she told me.

I had mentioned before my good friend who has been with his BPD-ish girlfriend for over 5 years now and how they seem happy now and are going to get married. When I saw their relationship I always said I would never allow myself to be in something like that, but alas there I was. Partly it was because I saw him work through it and heard several other similar stories and I began to think that was how many women are and you just have to put up with it...eventually they'll get over it. However, now that I am a little more enlightened thanks to you I look at their relationship and sure, they seem happy now, but they are spending every moment possible together and doing not much else. He has framed his life around hers....and sure, some people in love are apt to do this, and it doesn't necessarily mean anything bad...but I know that once things change like if they have kids or if they were to start doing things more independently things probably won't be so great. I admire him for sticking through with her and helping her with her many issues, and I truly hope it works out well for them both, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life walking on eggshells.

You called me the "master", which I gotta say, made me smile so thanks , but I feel far from it. If I weren't going farther away to school then who knows how long I would've stuck with the toxic relationship I was in. Honestly, if I hadn't posted on here and you hadn't read my long post and helped me in the way you did, there was a decent chance I would've tried getting back with her. So for that, you are definitely the master and the teacher, and I thank you deeply. You are right, guilt is a major feeling I was struggling with and now I don't feel it nearly as strong. Occasionally I get flashbacks of the good times and think of her with other guys, which gives me that sick feeling in my stomach, but I can now fight it with the knowledge you have given me. Not only did you help me remain out of the toxic relationship, but you have given me insight into future relationships and what to look out for. So thank you again.. I'm sorry it took so long for you to learn the lesson you just gave me, I can't imagine the torture you went through. Many blessings to you.

Lovesunk

[Downtown]

LoveSunk, I'm glad I could be helpful. Don't think for a minute that your piddley 45-minute move to another town had anything to do with your breakup. If she had been consistently treating you well, you would have been willing to drive ten times that distance to maintain the relationship. Your breakup, then, is fully attributable to your healthy self esteem and strong personal boundaries. You are nobody's doormat.

 

Please come back and visit us if, six months down the road, you have another need to speak with some folks who've been there and done that. Until then, many blessings to you too, Master!