Divorce after 27 years

[jeffrey_e]

My wife has a history of mental Illness. Lately things for her have been going down hill. She had surgery to remove a fatty growth on her shoulder, then 3 weeks later had a bone spur removed from same shoulder. She lost her job, screwed up a good job interview, cant find work and moneys getting low.

 

Then her friend Merrie from Washington comes to visit and is so happy. She net a man and is in love. She's never been so happy. My wife says, I dont feel that way about Jeffrey.

 

One week later, after 27 years she says out of the blue, " I want a divorce. I've retained an attourney and it's expensive. Call your Aunt and ask for a loan. I've been advised not to dicuss anything financial. Please move your things from the bedroom and into your office(one of the bedrooms) since you cant afford your own place" "Dont be so shocked. You know I've never been happy." Of course this is not true.

 

And just like that. After nursing her back to health, after her 3 stays in the psychiatric ward. After I stood by her she wants a divorce? "You want one? you got it." So I left.

 

Reason? I'm not ambitious enough and dont make enough money. I have champaign taste and caviar dreams and you dont. Oh by the way, shes about to turn 50." Im the worng girl for you and youre the wrong boy. We never should have gotten married" How many 50 year old talk like this. Anyway,I feel sick. The pain is so intense. I'm scared, feel sad and lonely. I just lost my best friend. Gone. Just like that.The pain has lessened but it is still there. For me there will be a sy of relief one day soon.I will have only myself to take care of and I'm low maintainance.

The first 10 days were the hardest but I have a good support network going on. I sleep on my wifes best friends coutch. She and her husband are convinced my wife lost it again and that this is a perfect opportunity for me to find a happier life. " Your wife will not be so lucky. No man wants a woman with that much emotional baggage. She will grow old and be bitter.You go and build a happy life for yourself." Good friends.

Around her there was always drama. It just followed her around where ever she went. Nothing was good enough. Then I read about coodependancy. I became the care giver and she the taker. It says they are masters of creating drama so youll keep taking care of them. Guess I got fired.

 

Everyone was surprised. Shocked. Most everyone has been supporting me and avoiding her. They all think she snapped.

 

I know shes not seeing anyone yet I know she has contacted an old rich boy friend. " After 8pm belongs to you. I LOVE YOU!!!. Your Dani." I cant do this to myself so I stopped looking. Must concentrate on me and not her.

 

My friends all say, even her 2 best friends, that I'm better off without her. Shes turned into her mother and will face reality soon enough. Run and dont look back. All good advice. And I will go on with my life and be happier for it. But for now. My heart is broken and It hurts so much.

Jeffrey

[whichwayisup]

My wife has a history of mental Illness.

 

And that is why she is acting the way she is.

 

She needs to see her Pdoc and therapist, and to be on meds..She's off right now..

 

Do you love her? Do you want to divorce?

[jeffrey_e]

She is on meds. Dont know if or when she sees her doctor. I do love her but I cant continue a relationship this way. Shes turning 50 and wanted "what she had"

 

Our boys 25,22,19 hate what she did to me and only the 22 year old really talks to her. My wife just spends her time on line. day and night and has missed our sons visit from Balt. Md.

 

Our 25 year old had his birthday on the 17th and I took the boys out for a birthday dinner. My wife was not invited because I'm not ready to see her yet. But she could have done something with the boys. She did nothing all weekend and thats not like her.

 

Meanwhile I cried for 3 hours this afternoon trying to get over her and move on. Its only been 2 weeks.

 

Sorry for venting.

 

 

Jeffrey

[dunno01]

jeffrey, your story is so touching and heartrending

if your wife comes to her senses and stops, then perhaps things will somehow work out

if she doesn't, know that there is definitely a life out there waiting for you beyond her and your relationship, this even though that future cannot or may not be able to be seen from where you are currently

my mother and father were married for 32 years, my mom felt that my father was squandering their retirement oni bad business deals and because also that my father could soimetimes be violent (not hitting, just throwing and out of control)

she left him

it nearly killed him

today, however, a few years removed and apart, they are both happier individually than i ever saw them together, this though both of them almost never made it through the terribleness of the divorce and split

several times my father called me and said that he had considered going out in the woods on his farm and just ending it all, but he didn't thank God, he stayed in there and has now survived to find happiness and more peace in his own life, my mother as well

so please, you stay in there as well and know that regardless, things will eventually be ok, i know that sounds like a cliche, but it's true i think

Edited January 21, 2008 by dunno01

[marazul]

Just incredible!

 

At 50, I mean she's going to be alone. She's dreaming, that's not reality. She should have been seeing a therapist who opens up her eyes.

 

I'm really sorry for you. I just see that she's made the biggest mistake of her life. Extremely difficult for a 50 year old woman with mental problems to find a mate. UFFF! She may end up having a breakdown after she faces reality and will need hospitalization.

 

And you, maybe you're better off without her. Is it possible still that you can talk to her maybe with a therapist, maybe then she's willing to listen? You need some support from friends, family. If it's over stay far away from her and try to recover your life, recover the energy she sucked from you while you took care of her. Take the energy to heal yourself and to improve your life.

 

Be strong.

[jeffrey_e]

I just posted a wonderful reply. Took me 45 mins and I lost it when I hit submit reply. I'll write another one tomorrow. Getting some sleep.

 

Til then

 

Jeffrey

[jeffrey_e]

Thank You all for your comments. Since my last post I have met with my future ex sister in law. My wifes brothers wife. She came down from MD for business and spent the night at the house. The next day she took me out to lunch. She said Jeffrey she is delutional. She went on to say that she feels she should do something. I told her I cant.

 

The next day I spoke with my wifes best friend from Calf. She said that she wasnt good enough for her either. She said Jeffrey, you two are no longer good together. Shes changed and is sick. Get out and run. Dont even try to go back or I'll tackle you before you reach the door..

 

Today I had to go to the house for some papers. I told my wife I would stop by and she said she wasnt home so go ahead. I went into my office and on my desk were stubs from her 1 day trip to Boston, Mass. Thats where her friend Craig lives. He's the one my wife wrote in a forwarded email " After 8 is reserved for you. I LOVE YOU!!! Your Dani".

 

When I told Michelle, Dani's other best friend ( whos House I am staying at ) about Dani's trip to Boston, She said She lied to me? Oh my G-d She lied to me. **** her. She had said she was going to Boca for the week end. She lied to me? **** her.

 

When I saw the stubs, I cried. I called my friends and they let me talk it out and before long I felt better. What she does is no longer any of business. It just hurt.

 

I had my first therapy session today and next monday I start attending a divorce support group. Between that and the phone calls, friends and family. Well I am very lucky and grateful to have such support. I mean you know you need to move on when your own children say " Dad this is better for you. You need to someone you can have a real relationship with." My 19 and 22 year old said this.

 

My 22 year old was here from Balt. Md for a few days for my oldest bday. I took him to Hollywood Beach Broadwalk. Thats where Dani and I fell in love. I told my son all stories and memories about his mother and me. Really nice stories. People said why on earth did you do that. I responded, "To say goodbye."

 

Theres nothing more to say. Nothing more I can do except think of myself first, ask for what I need and treat myself to something nice every once in awhile. I will never go back to her. I will have peace. The drama is gone. Somewhere out there is my real soul mate. How ever long I need to heal from this I will take. After that, well lets see what happends.

 

Thanks again for all your support. I'm looking forward to your comments.

 

 

Jeffrey

[marazul]

I hope you can stay strong and go to those support groups, and get support from family and friends.

 

That's it, you said goodbye, look forwards, concentrate on what you like, your job, in growing to be a better person. Take the time to heal and yes you'll find somebody at some point but beware not to tall for the same type of person, just know what you want.

 

Be strong

[Gunny376]

All I can say? Hang tough Brother! Hang tough! Suck it up and deal with it!

 

And that's not some tough hard azz Marine euphorisim ~ that's Life! That's the way it is!

 

Life just sucks sometimes! It just does! And you've got to learn to deal with it! You've got to learn to laugh to keep from crying!

 

Sometimes? Life is just too freaking ridiculious to Live!

 

Me? I made it through the otherside of the river? Past the hurt? The pain? The doubt? Pass the crociddles and the alligators! To self actualiztion! To self realization to you! The "Spartian" that is you!

 

Oooooraaahaaa!

 

Rooohhhhaaaaa!

 

Hooooraahaa!

 

And that applies to each of us! We've all got to find our "Spartian Blood!" amongist us!

 

Be we men? Or be we women?

 

WE all must do to this "line" and man this fence and tell ourseleves?! I will not step from this line! I will not retreart from this line! I will not abondened this LINE!

 

Be strong

 

SempeFi!

[jeffrey_e]

wife asked me to watch the band and have some wine with his wife. they said its time for me to get out of the house and start a my new life. I'm going.

[jeffrey_e]

I spoke to 2 prominant member where I pray. one was for an hour and a half. the other invited me to dinner tuesdat night. she told me my wife told her that she loves me as a brother. honestly it is what i've suspected for many years. each time I'd bring it up shed swear it wasn't true.a friend if mine has a band playing in this pub at riverfront. he and his wife asked me to watch the band and have some wine with his wife. they said its time for me to get out of the house and start a my new life. I'm going.

[jeffrey_e]

I went and had a good time. I told the story to my friend susan. she listened, hugged me and offered on of their rooms to me. woody and susan said they love me and are here for me.I am so lucky to have such support and love from so many friends and family. I count my blessings.

[PWSX3]

It sounds to me like you now know who your W has turned into & that person is someone you do not want in your life anymore so now it is time to move forward.

 

Now that you know there is no chance then you need to start looking at yourself & forgetting how crazy the stbx is because that is just using energy you could be using for yourself.

 

Like you said; there is nothing you can do to change her, it is O.K. to feel sad for who she is turning into but don't dwell on it, move on.

 

Sounds like you have a very good supportive group around you. Keep up the counseling it does help a lot.

[jeffrey_e]

My wife needs a job or I in deep S**t. She keeps looking for jobs shes not qualified for and keeps getting rejections. Shes sent and email to a past boss and the letter was nasty. Another bridge burned. I wouldnt care except it means Alamony for me.

 

Please say a little prayer that she gets a job and that I get the house.

 

Monday night is my first divorce support group meeting. Looking forward to meeting new people and making some new friends.

 

Talk to you all soon.

As always, Thanks for your wonderful support.

 

Jeffrey

[Gunny376]

My wife needs a job or I in deep S**t. She keeps looking for jobs shes not qualified for and keeps getting rejections. Shes sent and email to a past boss and the letter was nasty. Another bridge burned. I wouldnt care except it means Alamony for me.

 

Please say a little prayer that she gets a job and that I get the house.

 

Monday night is my first divorce support group meeting. Looking forward to meeting new people and making some new friends.

 

Talk to you all soon.

As always, Thanks for your wonderful support.

 

Jeffrey

 

"Drop your linen and quit your grinnin!"

 

She and her lawyers are settin" you up for an ambush ~ setting you up for alimony payments for life!

 

I've got to give the ex-hex credit?! She didn't want half of my retirement from tha' Corps (Not that she would have ever got it! I would have walked first! {And she knew it}) She just couldn't "tote the note on my being carrer military?!

 

Granted! One of the toughest jobs in the Marines is that of a Marine's Wife!

[jeffrey_e]

today the wife asked me to watch the dogs over the weekend. I said no. I'm leaving sat sun and mon. I said no again. went into the house to recheck my weight on our bathroom scale. on my way out I saw her little battery toy and oil next to her bed. checked the caller I'd and yup he calls her every night. phone sex. so she wants me to watch the dogs while she's in boston having sex with this guy. anyone think that's sick?so sad that my oldest had to call me because he's so upset with his mom. she says she's never been happier but my son says B.S.he doesn't know what to do. he wants space from her so I suggested he email her and tell the truth about how you feel.while she's f-ing on the phone or in boston, i'll be having dinner with friends both tues and thus nite. I went to divorce care tonight and have therapy on thursdays.years ago I learned my wife really enjoyed sex. until the day I asked her to marry me. she later confessed that she used sex to get a man. once she had me she didn't need it any more.the point is I have a real chance to live a healthy, happy and balanced life. getting out of this marrage is removing me from a toxic relationship. I didn't even know it was making me so sick.but I do feel for my boys. there mom really lost it and they know it. when they call me and I tell the about my week they are so happy I have a life and am doing so well.I love my boys and I have their support.thanks everyone.

[jeffrey_e]

I had the worst and best day so far. The worst was thinking about how my wife could be so cold and disgusting by asking me to watch the dogs while she flys up to Boston to F**k this guy. How could anyone be so cruel and heartless?

 

 

The best was having dinner with my friends Jeanette and Lenny. They used to go out with my wife and myself. Jeanette never warmed up to my wife but loved me. I mean we just clicked. We would go off and talk and talk like we've known each other for years.

 

I went to their home and drank some wine, eat dinner and talked to them both. Mostly Jeanette. I told her the whole story. They adopted me. I will move off the coutch friday and move into a private room with my own tv, restroom and shower. I stay rent free and am included on every outing the take weather its the movies or dinner or to see Santana at the Hard Rock. They have done this for many friends in the past all of whom have happy endings to their stories.

 

They talked to me and helped me so much tonight. I was trying to hold on for dear life and they helped me back up. I am ready to take my healing to the next level and will be better equiped to do so sleeping in a bed instead of a coutch and with my own private bathroom and shower. They really know what to say to me to help me along.

 

Talk to you all soon.

 

Jeffrey

[jeffrey_e]

Its been 5 weeks since my wife told me she wanted a divorce. I'm doing better. Havnt text, spoken or seen her in over a week.I got served. Our fin aff are done and the 4 of us will divide everything and est alomony if any within the next 10 to 30 days.Still there's a hole in my heart that will stay there while I heal. What helps is hearing my future ex tell me that when she married me she was marrying a Coporate Executive. Funny. I thought she was marrying me.Anyway after 27 years I'd expect it will take a while.A woman did flirt with me yesterday. It felt good to have someone look at me that way again. Its been a very long time.

[Gunny376]

Twenty-seven years~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I know you love her, but in the end? Your better off to finally be free of this parasiste! Let her go and suck the "Life-blood" out of some other poor SOB!

 

Alimony? I'd sleep in a hollow log, eat road-kill, and drink muddy water first, before I'd pay her a dime in alimony!

Edited February 9, 2008 by Gunny376

[michelefreeman]

Jeffery, I hope you find true love and happiness. I am going through a similar situation can I send you an email ?

[jeffrey_e]

Sorry for the delay. Ive been at a friends house and I had no access to a computer. Of course you can email me. Do you have the address?

[jeffrey_e]

Well it's been 6 weeks. Time sure flys when youre having fun. We out last night with a new friend. His name is Jeff. I figured with a name like Jeff he's gatta be good.

 

You see I realized that I left her in a sense. I just couldnt take her messed up stuff any more. Her risky decisions. Being ordered around. Her becoming so self aborbed. I didnt want to see it but it's there.

 

Now comes the flood anger. I"m shaking. This level of anger is very rare for me. I block it our but its still there.

[jeffrey_e]

How to stop the anger? Get some rest. I slept 4 hours then worked 14 hours, then got up early the next morning and ran errand after errand. That night I crashed for 7 hours, got up early and went to work, came home at 3:30 and slept til 5pm. Its 12:15am and I'm off to sleep. I haven't felt this good in days. The pain level dropped from a 9.5 to a 3.5. Not bad after almost 7 weeks.

 

Tomorrow I going for a "Get". This means I divorce her by the State of Israel. Being Jewish this is a big thing especially for her since she has the religious background. Only men can receive one of these and although she does have balls she still can't get one. It takes about 30 mins then I have the pleasure of mailing her a copy with a note that will read: Keep this should you every decide to remarry.(underlying message...You dont mean that much to me)

 

But I'm not bitter. Lol

[jeffrey_e]

We had our settlement meeting with the stbex and our attourneys. I wanted the house and got it. I got most of the content. When she wanted one of the hdtv big screen I let her keep her new laptop instead. But I get the house !!! I designed it, rebuilt it and maintain it.It's mine.

 

On next monday or tuesday her attourney will have everything written and when she comes back from F***ing her boyfriend in Boston she will sign and so will I. It goes to the judge and then its all over.

 

It's been almost 2 months since she had her announcement. I'm down to 155lbs and look pretty darn good if you ask me. I have a new life with new friends. We go places and do things together. People have been coming out of the woodwork and giving me great support. Its all good and I'm doing so much better.

 

Thanks For listening to me all these weeks.

 

Jeffrey

[whichwayisup]

Good to hear you're doing better. Still sucks that she is throwing away 27 years, but she's left you with no choice. One day she may wake up and regret her choices...Oh well, her loss.

 

Keep living life, you seem to be handling this all very well! Congrats on that!