I screwed up...

[mr.gerbick]

Okay, me and my ex are trying to work on getting back together, in short, we have been seperated for 7 months now and in that time she slept with someone. I took it really hard an clung to her about it. The story in detail is under the "total mess" thread under the "coping" section. Then the progress of us starting to talk about us getting back together again is under the " Text messages/text messages continued..." thread. We have been slowly hanging out again and this is friday's story:

 

Okay last night I really messed up. We were supposed to go out for dinner, but I have had a cold all week. So I told her I reaally wasn't up to it. So she decided she would cook and we would just hang out and watch a movie. So, I went over there and everything was fine. I started drinking though. I am not really a drinker, so I get buzzed kinda fast. Throughout dinner and the movie everything was going good, I even gave her a foot massage. Then when the movie was over we started talking. The conversation got a little heated when things came up about her sleeping with the other guy. I was just asking questions in regards to her running into him at the bars she goes to and whatnot. She took the defensive, and basically ended up saying that I have to deal with that issue on my own. I got really upset. She is always willing to talk when I am expressing my feelings about what I have done wrong in the past and how I feel about her now, but once it comes to her she gets defensive or wants to stop talking. Which I feel left hanging, because I am laying my heart out on the table and getting nothing in return. Anyhow, with my feeling being overrun with alcohol last night and me getting upset from her statement and the fact she is not expressive to me, I said something, I actually forgot what, that I assume offended her and she just told me to leave. I was in tears when I was leaving and told her "I love you, it just hurts to know that it may not work out between us" she told me to text her when I got home. So I did. My message said "you call it ignorance, but sometimes the truth is brutal. I guess I will see you at the art show." She replied with "B an ass then cool" I tried to call her after that, but she turned her phone off. So I went back over there. She answered the door and I just said I didn't want to leave on a bad note like that. She said we will talk tomorrow. I looked at her and said "It is over, isn't it?" She said no, we will talk tomorrow. Basically I left. Then came home and sent a few text messages asking questions. Alcohol induced text messaages....then went to bed.

 

I woke up this morning and sent another text message that said "why am i the one who feels like i am working so hard to get you back bc i am scared of losing you?" then a following one that said "the last mssg was the only real one. bc it does seem like you arent scared of losing me." I called and left her a voicemail to apologizing for the texts and the extra visit last night, and said they were alcohol related, I think she understands because she knows I normally don't drink. But I also said that I think a lot of the conversation was honest, and don't feel any reason to apologize about that part of the night. I also brought up that she said we would talk today, but she hasn't replied to anything yet, and I am going to see her at my sisters art show tonight, which in a social envoirnment isn't really a place where we will get to talk talk.

 

I posted that under coping, but no one responded, I just wanted to know if it seemed like I really messed things up.

 

Well, today was an odd day because we did go to the art show, then we went out to a bar after that with a whole group of people, then we went to one of the people from the groups house in a small group after that. So, basically we were together until 5:30am. It was strange, but we were talking, not about us, just being conversational...the weird thing is that she stood by me wherever I was. I mean I would even test it and move and she would still end up working her way over there. I would ask her "are you alright with me being out?" and she kept replying "yeah, its fine, I just really didn't liek friday evening" So I am basically confused by all of this. I talked to her before we went out and apologized for friday, but she was still mad about it at that point. Then when we were leaving she gave everyone a hug and walked right by me. I asked her where is my hug? and she gave me one, but everything is just weird to me. The standing by me, but then the ignoring of the hug. What the hell is wrong with you women?? lol...jk. I am seriously just confused about the signals I am getting, maybe a 3rd party interpretation would help me out.

[GB111]

#1: Stop bothering her about sleeping with someone else. She had every right. You weren't together and she needed some.

 

#2: Stop asking her if everything is ok. Just be yourself. The "yourself" she fell in love with. Nothing more needs to be said about how much you love her.

 

#3: Don't take everything so personally. She's obviously still in to you, but if you keep driving her crazy with "where is my hug" and text messages, you're going to drive her away.

 

Bottom Line: Be yourself and stop with all the relationship talk. If she wants to be with you, she will. Be patient and time will take care of any anger she might harbor.

 

GB

[mr.gerbick]

We were together for 6 years before this 7 month thing, and it was actually only 4 months really, because we were still intimate with eachother after 2 months of the break up. It's hard to hear or imagine someone that you love sleeping with someone else. Hearing that is what brought me to my point of craziness, with the text messages and clinginess. I am not a person who takes things like that lightly, I have never had "casual sex", because I believe it should be with someone special. I thought she felt the same way and she regrets ever doing it, not just because I am upset about it, just from her own morals. The way I feel about it has to be talked about and worked through before we can start anything again. That is me being myself, expressing how I feel about it. I can't just get back together with her and not discuss it, otherwise I am afraid that during our first fight or whatever it will come up. I know she "technically" had the right to do what she did, and I don't blame her, I know it wasn't directed towards me, but I still can't help how I feel about it. There is a lot to this situation, it is really complicated, that is why I suggested reading my previous threads, just to get a better understanding of everything. I appreciate your perspective and I don't mean to sound like I am coming off like an ass or anything, it is just really complicated.

[KittenMoon]

MR G-

 

I REALLY REALLY REALLY think you and you ex should get into a counselling session when you talk about her rendevous. The two of you need to talk this out obviously or you will never get over it, and she needs to respect that issue just as you need to respect that she had every right to do what she did. We all know how hard it is. So I think if you are really serious, go to a counsellor to talk about this one particular aspect of your relationship. ONLY talk about it the session- not outside of it. In a controlled environment, a counsellor should be able to help mediate the feeling the two of you are experiencing on this issue.

 

Again, go to a counsellor, make those sessions your "safe zone" to discuss this issue, but ONLY discuss it in that safe zone.

[daphne]

G,

You admitted you screwed up, asked for advice. GB gave you waht I believe is very good advice. A little blutn but I think the situation calls for it. You are totally going about this the wrong way. You make excuses because you're hurt that she messed around with someone else. If you don't stop making excuses and correct your behavior, I can almost promise you that you won't get her back. You are becoming annoying to her. I've been her (sans sex with someone else). Unfortunately, just because you don't take sex lightly doesn't mean she doesn't. And you can't hold her to your standards. It sucks, I know this. Personally, I'm not sure I'd want her back if I were you but you do so now you have to be pragmatic about it and stop texting. Stop annoying her. It is highly unattractive and makes you look weak.

[mr.gerbick]

I have actually suggested counselling to her. She don't believe we need it. She believes that it my issue that I need to see a counselor on my own to deal with it. She says she has her ways of dealing with things. Which I know it is just denial on her part, but what could I do about that?

 

The messed up part about all of this. The whole situation, is that I have looked weak from the moment that I found out about her sleeping with someone else. I was just honest with my feelings, but clinging to her, which I know looks weak, but somehow it got me to the point I am at now, which I know it sounds funny and is not the typical reactions that most situations have on this forum. I agree, just for my self pride I need to grow a backbone, but this situation still needs to be discussed, sooner or later between us. What happens if we do get back together and say for instance, in a hypothetical situation, the first time we try to get intimate again, and maybe my "equipment" don't work because I have thoughts about what happened in my head. Should we just ignore it, when we both clearly know what the problem is? These are things I worry about. Also, she goes to the same bars a lot, where she met this guy that she slept with, and he is a local at these bars too. I personally hate these bars, she said that she is not going to stop going just because he is going to be there, and she was goig there way before she met him, and she don't expect me to go with her, because she knows I hate them. There are a lot of issues revolved around what she did that need to be discussed. I am honestly and truthfully not trying to be a dick about it to her, I am normally careful about how I approach it, but friday I didn't care, because of the liquor.

[KittenMoon]

I have actually suggested counselling to her. She don't believe we need it. She believes that it my issue that I need to see a counselor on my own to deal with it. She says she has her ways of dealing with things. Which I know it is just denial on her part, but what could I do about that?

 

Your issue is her issue as well if you two remain a couple. To work this out, you need to meet each other half-way on this. It sounds like she wants you to do all the work, without any regards for your feelings or your needs. That is very disrespectful. I really think you two should find a councillor.

[mr.gerbick]

Okay, so last night we went out for dinner. We had a great time. It was good food, good conversation and we were both acting goofy, which is how I always was. She is not goofy much, even when we were together,she has her moments, but last night she was, so it appeared that she was having a great time and so was I. After dinner we took a walk around downtown Chicago, we both live in Chicago, but not downtown, I am downtown all the time, but she rarely gets downtown, so she was enjoying the weather and the scenery. As we were walking conversation about us started. It was nothing like friday, well for one, I was sober. hehe. It went pretty good, we were just talking about things we were trying to talk about on friday, but in a more understanding way. We touched on a few key subjects, and I was able to get a few questions answered. So after that we went back to her place and talked for about 20 minutes more, then I just went home.

 

When I got home I was getting ready for bed and decided to send her a quote through email, so she would see it when she gets to work in the morning. I have been doing this daily for about 2 -3 weeks now, she said I don't have to stop that, she thinks the quotes are sweet. Last night, we had such a good time that I decided to type out a long, heart pouring message with the quote. Because the quote I sent was: "When you realize you want to spend The rest of your life with somebody, You want the rest of your life To start as soon as possible." That basically led into a message where I started explaining how I just wish that we can foget eveything in the past and have a brand new start. Also, How I feel without her and basically stating that I KNOW that I want to get back together. All of this let into another quote that stated: "It's not that I can't live without you, It's that I don't even want to try." There was a lot more details involved in the message, but that is the gist of it.

 

Last night when I was leaving her house I asked if she was doing anything saturdy during the day, she said I am just really tired, can we talk about making plans tomorrow? I was like sure. What I wanted to do saturday was surprise her with a picnic, because that is one of the things she asked for when we were dating that I neglected to give her. I actually wanted to surprise her with a picnic last night instead of dinner, but on monday when she found out I didn't make reservations yet, she got a little mad. I said, how do you know that I don't have something else planned? She said that she thinks it is too early for surprises. So, at the end of the message I sent last night I just asked her if she wanted to go on a picnic saturday during the day. BTW, the neglecting of the picnic was a real big deal to her when we were together, it is something so small, but yet was one of the prime examples in our break up, because of the fact it was so small and I didn't do it.

 

She has not responded to my email yet. So I am just sitting here wondering what she is thinking of all of it. Granted, the work day is not over yet, so we will see what happens until 5:00, but when you pour your heart out there is impatience. I would at least be expecting a response to the saturday question. Or on a whole, does it seem like I am trying to move forward too fast?

[Numbheart]

She has not responded to my email yet. So I am just sitting here wondering what she is thinking of all of it. Granted, the work day is not over yet, so we will see what happens until 5:00, but when you pour your heart out there is impatience. I would at least be expecting a response to the saturday question. Or on a whole, does it seem like I am trying to move forward too fast?

Man!!...I think I have said numerous times before to CHILL TF OUT!

STOP...OK....JUST STOP what your doing and think for a minute!

I know how you feel, (I've had these traits myself in the past) but have more self control, relax a little and stop being so impatient, you will push her away with this believe me, it WILL be your downfall with her.

You guys seem to "sort of be" on track, maybe she knows what your like with pushing, etc, and she seems to be really trying with you, but it also shows that she feels like shes being pushed too hard.

If you really cannot stop doing this, then end everything with her now, because your only going to put both of you through more long-enduring torture which will end up in a NEVER GOING BACK status.

How old are you btw?...maybe you should learn to trust your instincts a little more?....by that I mean if things are going well between you and you feel like you may be pushing the boat out a little by asking her something that may push her that little bit too far, even though you really feel the need right there and then for an answer, then step back and dont do it, regardless how important it seems to you at that moment, it can always be asked later under less pressure.

It may well be becoming obvious to you now that if you do push for what you need to know, your then either making her feel uneasy or your feeling uneasy or both.

Maturity and compromise is the name of the game, not me, me, me in what you feel is right and to help you sleep easier.

Stop worrying and chill, I know its hard, but its whats needed.

[GB111]

Listen to Numbheart. You're screwing up.

[mr.gerbick]

I agree. I have been trying to back off and she is opening up a lot more. She was real tired last night, so I wasn't wondering about her excuse about me asking her about saturday. BTW....I am 26.

 

She did end up responding to the email, she was just busy this morning at work. She said that it was real sweet. She also said that knows that I am trying to give her space, and she appreciated it. She did say she wants to get back together, but she needs a little more time in getting comfortable with everything again, which I did say in the email that I wasn't trying to pressure her, I just wanted her to know how I felt. She also did say she wants to go on the picnic saturady, she thinks it will be nice. I think a big part of my craziness before was just getting no response from her about things, which I should of just left alone, but couldn't. Now that we got a lot of things covered with talking and her expressing her feelings, I am not going as crazy about it. I am able to give her space, and sometimes when we talk we don't even talk about us, we just have general conversation. I agree, that friday was a little out of control, and we are past that. I specifically asked her about friday, bc we were originally supposed to go out for dinner on friday, but I wasn't feeling good...had a cold. I asked her if friday was so bad, then how come on saturday you still agrred to go out on tuesday for dinner. She responded with "I know you are trying, and I know you don't normally drink, so I just looked at it as a bad day, bc I know it is hard for you."

 

I know the stages of this situation happened a little different then most situations, but I am doing pretty good now. I am not saying I don't get crazy spells anymore, I do, but they are not as harsh and I don't need to contact her everytime I do. I would honestly say saturday was the last time I text meesgaed her. So, I am backing off, but slowly. It is just a weird situation, bc she is reacting differntly then I expected after reading some threads and comments on here.

[mr.gerbick]

I think with waiting for responses from her and whatnot, I still do go a little crazy, but that is why I post on this board, so I don't continously contact her for a response. I drive myself a little crazy when I am impatient and use the forum as an outlet so I don't keep contacting her and drive her away.

[GB111]

Keep using the board. Sometimes people (me especially) may seem insensitive, but underneath the gruff exterior, I believe there is usually some good advice. Good luck.

[mr.gerbick]

I am having a rough morning. Yesterday, the ex and I kind of got into it through email, obviously about us, not for too long, just like 1 or 2 messages, but long ones. I felt bad so just went and got some flowers and dropped them off at her work, with the receptionist. She sent me an email and voicemail thanking me so much for them, saying that I didn't have to do that. I didn't apologize or anything, The card said "just for being beautiful". I thought it was pretty smooth...haha. On the voicemail, she said she had to go do this walk after work for charity and would call me later that night. At about 11:00 she just sent a text saying "love you, goodnight." It was nice that she remembered to at least send a text, but at the same time I was really looking forward to the call. I know she had to drive home, she could have at least called me during the ride home.

 

I woke up this morning feeling like I am wasting my time on someone that I love, but may never be able to make happy. For example, the night before we went out to dinner and she asked if I made the reservations yet, and I said no. (because I wasn't sure if I was going to surprise her with a picnic yet) she said that things like that annoy her because it doesn't seem like I cared enough about the dinner with her. Now, if I were to turn that around and say it didn't seem like she cared enough to call, she would get upset, am I right? It's like she has all of these double standards, is that just women in general? or do I seem like I am wrong for feeling like this? I feel like I have to work 150% at this and she doesn't have to do anything. She could say whatever she feels, wether it is mean or not, and I have to just take it for what its worth, but I have to make sure everything I say is sweet or considerate.

[KittenMoon]

Mr. G-

 

What is she doing for you? What is she doing to rebuild your relationship?

 

 

Maybe you're not sharing these things, but if she's not doing anything else but basking in your attentions, demanding your hard work, etc, maaaaaaybe it's time to rethink this. Or stand up to her and see if she is willing to commit the same effort you are.

 

Once again, I will suggest a counseling session. Just one, to see if having a mediator can bridge your obvious communication issues.

[mr.gerbick]

so far, since the 3 weeks now that we have been discussing "getting back together" I have gotten her flowers twice, taken her to dinner, given her a foot rub and helped her paint a room in house, spent mothers day with her bc her mother past away, sent love quotes on a daily basis, cuddled with her when she has asked, and am willing to take her on a picnic tomorrow. She has asked me to lunch once.

 

I just don't know anymore.

[mr.gerbick]

and have poured my heart out in numerous talks and emails. I mean in real detail. Explaining how our time apart has given me a new appreciation for what we had. Sometimes she don't even respond.

[KittenMoon]

I will conceed girls like attention. LOTS of attention.

 

But if she thinks she can take and not give, well.... Maybe you need to have a talk with her about how you feel you're the only one trying to rebuild this relationship. Let her know you love doing all the things you do for you, and you want to do more, but she needs to put in effort as well.

 

You need to be sure she wants this to work as well, and it sounds like you're not sure. She may not realize what she's doing, but she needs to.

[bendit]

This is as unbalanced as it gets. She holds all the cards. She controls the dynamics. She knows that she doesn't have to do anything to get your "approval". In fact she probably does do "anything," even if you don't know it, and she will still have your approval, because she is your pedestal girl. She can do no wrong because your girl up on that pedestal should be "worshipped" no matter what. Yet you do countless things every day to seek out her approval and get nothing but table scaps to show for it. You are her PLAYTHING. You are her chump.

 

I see this relationship as DOOMED. She hangs out in bars and you don't. She kind of cheated and you don't know how to react to that except send her FLOWERS and love notes and be clingy and needy. You have weak boundaries.

 

I suggest you learn how to be less needy in relationships. I suggest you register at sosuave.com and immerse yourself in the material on that site. Go through the DJ Bible. Learn the definition of AFC and ONEITIS. Good luck. I may be tough, but it's for your own good.

 

regards

[mr.gerbick]

Understandable. I know I have put her on a pedestal, and as days keep going by, I am getting more and more disgusted with myself. I asked her once, why does it seem like I have to do all the work and you have to do nothing? She responded with "I do love and care about you, but all of this is scary right now because of our past and I am not sure how it is going to turn out, so I don't want to give all you all of my emotion, just incase things don't work out, I don't want to hurt you. The last thing I want to do is hurt you."

 

I just feel like I keep getting spun around and I will never stop feeling dizzy.

[KittenMoon]

She responded with "I do love and care about you, but all of this is scary right now because of our past and I am not sure how it is going to turn out, so I don't want to give all you all of my emotion, just incase things don't work out, I don't want to hurt you. The last thing I want to do is hurt you."

 

 

This is CHOCK FULL OF IT. In truth, she's afraid to get hurt, so she's not investing her emotions. She's scared. Right now she's getting what she wants w/o putting in any of her own. She needs to do this or you need to drop her.

[bendit]

You know you are going about this ALL WRONG. You have to "act as if" you are the PRIZE. You are acting like a needy child. If you acted as if you are the prize catch, she might feel something for you. You have to realize that chicks don't respond to "nice guy" approval seeking. You can do that stuff till you blue in the face and it won't work.

 

She sees you as a needy chump I am sad to say. And even if she took you back she would still wonder if she did the right thing. She would still desire the opposite, a guy who is a challenge, a guy who is a prize, a guy who might be a bit of a bad boy, a guy who wouldn't take her crap.

 

The question is when are you going to stop doing ALL the wrong things and start doing the right ones. As I read your responses, you have no plan to change. You are stuck. Get unstuck and stop acting this way. I hate it when I see an AFC who won't recognize it and CHANGE. CHANGE man don't just be caught in the headlights. Remember my tough luv is because all men are brothers.

 

regards

[mr.gerbick]

she says she want us both to feel comfortable before jumping back in the relationship, which I am, so she is the one that is uncomfortable still. She says that things like friday, the night I screwed up at got drunk, is what she is scared of still happening.

 

What do you suggest? confront her about this and see what she says? Tell her that I feel like a circus clown? hehe. How do you suggest going about this?

[mr.gerbick]

You know you are going about this ALL WRONG. You have to "act as if" you are the PRIZE. You are acting like a needy child. If you acted as if you are the prize catch, she might feel something for you. You have to realize that chicks don't respond to "nice guy" approval seeking. You can do that stuff till you blue in the face and it won't work.

 

She sees you as a needy chump I am sad to say. And even if she took you back she would still wonder if she did the right thing. She would still desire the opposite, a guy who is a challenge, a guy who is a prize, a guy who might be a bit of a bad boy, a guy who wouldn't take her crap.

 

The question is when are you going to stop doing ALL the wrong things and start doing the right ones. As I read your responses, you have no plan to change. You are stuck. Get unstuck and stop acting this way. I hate it when I see an AFC who won't recognize it and CHANGE. CHANGE man don't just be caught in the headlights. Remember my tough luv is because all men are brothers.

 

regards

 

I understand your point, but I grew up with two women and no father, so I have an appreciation for women that most men don't have. Unfortunately, I get hurt sometimes for it, which sucks. I agree with you though, I do need to get more confident, but not to the point like most guys out there who act like they are gods gift to women, I despise those people. I don't mind doing nice things like I have been doing, the only thing that bothers me is not getting it in return. I am not even saying that I expect it, but at least some kind of appreciation would be nice.

[bendit]

mr_gerbick, U R IN DENIAL. Are you even reading what I post? It seems like it just is not registering with you. I gave you solid actionable advice in my posts and now you are asking what to do. See this is why I say you are like a deer in the headlights. You aren't really comprehending anything.

 

I advise you to reread what I posted and formulate a response to my posts LINE BY LINE telling yourself what you intend, and intend not to do NEXT. There is all kinds of valuable advice in my posts; ACTION ITEMS that will help you.

 

If you truly want help, read the posts and respond to the posts LINE BY LINE saying this I can do, this I can't do. This makes sense, this doesn't? Are you following? IF you keep doing what you are doing it won't WORK. I guarantee it. That means that you MUST do something different. So I am telling you what to do DIFFERENT. Please wake up and take action man.

 

regards