grace2005 Posted October 19, 2005 Share Posted October 19, 2005 I've been doing alot of thinking about this no contact rule. I would like to elaborate that no contact is a relative notion. Everyone has different reasons and different degrees of enforcing the no contact rule. Some situations require strict no contact while others may require only reduced contact. I'll explain the different degrees: A. Strict N/C= If your ex broke up with you and they are seeing someone else or if you still have feelings for them then no contact would mean not initiating any contact with them as well as ignoring any contact they might initate with you until you have gotten over them. In this case no contact is to help you heal and get over them. B. Strict N/C until ex initiates contact= If your ex broke up with you and they asked that you not contact them for whatever reason then that means no contact with them at all until they get in touch with you (if they do). They just need space to cool off. If you love them then set them free and give them that space. C. Reduced Contact= If your ex broke up with you and you have initiated contact with them and they don't seem rude or irritable when they talk to you then you can drop the no contact down to reduced contact. I recommend waiting a full month before contacting them again and gradually increase the intervals between each time you call until they initiate contact with you. For example if you called your ex today and they were ok with you talking to them then wait 2 weeks before calling them again and then wait 5 weeks after that and then wait 12 weeks if they don't initiate contact with you. Continue to increase the intervals between calls and don't call on the same days of the week or the same time of the day each time. You don't want your ex to catch on to a pattern of your calls. You want your calls to have a surprise effect. D. Reduced Contact (ex initiates contact)= If your ex has been initiating contact with you and you still want them back or if you are ok with just being friends for the time being then no contact would mean calling them 1 time for every 3 times they call you. This is just to signal to them that the door is still open. E. Regular Contact (without talking about relationship issues)= If the two of you have reached enough emotional stability then it's ok to have regular contact but don't talk about the relationship or prospects of getting back together. Remember it has to be the ex's idea since it was their idea to break up in the first place. If they bring up topics related to the relationship then that is your opportunity to talk about your feelings. I just hope that all of you will take a look at your situation and do a careful analysis as to what degree you should exercise the no contact rule. You know the personality of your ex best. Different reasons for breaking up and different situations require different measures of the no contact rule. Link to post Share on other sites
whereismylifegoing Posted October 20, 2005 Share Posted October 20, 2005 this is all a game..... how about let them go and do your own thing rule and not worry about who their banging. move on to somebody else cause it will never work once the trust is broken. no contact means no contact whatsoever.....if he or she wants to talk to, they will know how to get a hold of you. seriously. my ex calls me once and a while and leaves me e-mails. but i just ignore them all. he or she has to realize the decision they made to not have you in their life anymore and either live with it or do some serious begging. everybody go watch swingers the movie Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted October 20, 2005 Share Posted October 20, 2005 how about let them go and do your own thing rule and not worry about who their banging. move on to somebody else cause it will never work once the trust is broken. no contact means no contact whatsoever Amen to that, whereismylifegoing. No contact doesnt have degrees - No means no(ne) and every other example (B - E) is simply an attempt to justify allowing yourself to be a doormat. I'm sorry, but the no contact principle is straight forward, black & white. There is no grey area. Link to post Share on other sites
Author grace2005 Posted October 20, 2005 Author Share Posted October 20, 2005 You might want to look at dreamguy's thread: not all situations require strict no contact. The important thing is to listen to your heart because it will never deceive you. Nobody can tell you when or how often to stay in contact. I know the personality of my ex very well to decide to what degree to enforce no contact. If what you are doing is producing the results you want then that is what you must do for yourself. It just depends on the people involved. As for me I am going to do the 1 to 3 ratio of contact with my ex gf. I will call her 1 time for every 3 times she calls me just as a signal to her that the door is open. That is not pursuing her by any means. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=41536&page=3&pp=15 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 20, 2005 Share Posted October 20, 2005 You say you are getting what you want from your ex.. isn't having her back what you want ?? If it is then your version of NC will fail.. You won't get her back because you have never given her the chance to miss you.. Good luck trying to play your game.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author grace2005 Posted October 20, 2005 Author Share Posted October 20, 2005 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t54435/ there are 4 versions of this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author grace2005 Posted October 20, 2005 Author Share Posted October 20, 2005 Keep in mind that dreamguy didn't exercise strict no contact with his ex if you read his thread that I posted above. By the time his ex back though he had already decided he didn't want her back and began seeing someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author grace2005 Posted October 20, 2005 Author Share Posted October 20, 2005 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=41536&page=27&pp=15 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=41536&page=28&pp=15 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=41536&page=29&pp=15 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=41536&page=30&pp=15 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 20, 2005 Share Posted October 20, 2005 Are you trying to convince us that your way of doing NC is the best ? NC is for moving on.. You don't want to move on.. The only way you can get your ex back is move on.. Apply NC and move on .. 6 months to a year later you two might be able to get back together.. You have to let her miss you .. Are you listening ? Dream guy got his ex back because he moved on ... Simple really Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted October 20, 2005 Share Posted October 20, 2005 Art_critic has a point, if you go thru dream guys threads u'll see he moved on and THAT is when she decided to come back. Just because he enforced same lame attempt at NC doesnt mean his ways were correct, and even worse they didnt work! The key, as Art_critic suggested, is to get them to miss you. They will NEVER find out what life is like without you if you dont disappear. Link to post Share on other sites
whereismylifegoing Posted October 21, 2005 Share Posted October 21, 2005 yes yes..by you talking to her, it doesn't help your situtation really. and if you are still bitter about her breaking up with you, the relationship will never work. you really need to meet some other chicks. let me tell you, i am in the same boat. my ex left me to explore life and a bunch of other bull$hit that all early twenties girls do. i said f*** it and moved on to some other chicks and low and behold she calls me. i totally ignore it. like i said, if she really wants you back, she will know how to find you. you have to make her realize that she is not part of your life anymore. after a while it will get to the point where you may not even want her back. that's the route i'm taking. it started to where i would do anything to get her back and i didn't care if she sleep with a million guys, to now i'm not sure if i even want her back. dont' even call or pick up the phone. she's not part of your life anymore. it really seems like you aren't over your ex. you still want her back and it's killing you. let her go. she probably sucked anyways if she left you. really think about it. Link to post Share on other sites
blonde Posted October 25, 2005 Share Posted October 25, 2005 hi ... ive read so many posts about no contact ... he dumped me for someone else although he told me he still loves me (yeah right!) ... then icqs me twice a week later ... i didnt reply ... my question is this though ... if you exercise no contact yet are still wanting to reconcile with ur ex ... how do u let them know the door IS still open ... i understand the principles of NC and healing and getting on with ur life without them in it ... but there must be a way to let them know u r open to their change of heart ... IF u still feel that way ... Link to post Share on other sites
Author grace2005 Posted October 26, 2005 Author Share Posted October 26, 2005 hi ... ive read so many posts about no contact ... he dumped me for someone else although he told me he still loves me (yeah right!) ... then icqs me twice a week later ... i didnt reply ... my question is this though ... if you exercise no contact yet are still wanting to reconcile with ur ex ... how do u let them know the door IS still open ... i understand the principles of NC and healing and getting on with ur life without them in it ... but there must be a way to let them know u r open to their change of heart ... IF u still feel that way ... Your situation falls under letter D from my first post. I would call him one time for every 3 times he calls you. That is your signal to him that the door is still open. But only do this if you can control your emotions. By that I mean is that if you do call him make sure you sound neutral and be friendly. Keep it short like 10 minutes or less. The important thing is to hang up while the conversation is going great. End the converstion first whether he calls you or if you call him. You want him to think you are no longer hurting over the break-up. I call my ex once for every 3 times she calls me. My situation is a little different though since she didn't leave me for another man. Here is an update on my situation. I broke no contact after 25 days and called her. She wasn't home so I left a message telling her she can call me at her convenience. And she called me 18 hours later. We talked for 10-15 minutes and I ended the conversation first. We are at the friendly contact stage now. I am able to control my emotions when I talk to her. I don't sound sad or upset. There is no arguing, no shouting, nothing negative at this point. And I talked to her online last night. She initiated conversation with me on yahoo messenger when I signed on. She later asked me if I'm still upset about the break up and I said no. Last night was the first time I've signed online while she's online since september 9th. She's online every other night but on the nights she's not online she has to spend at her grandmothers. So my plan is to sign online one more time and let her initiate pm conversation. (she always initiates conversation online) I will talk for 5 minutes and end it first by saying I have to get going because I have a friend coming over and then sign off. I don't plan to sign on for another 2 months after this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author grace2005 Posted October 26, 2005 Author Share Posted October 26, 2005 hey blonde this thread from dreamguy might be of help to you about this no contact rule. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=41536&page=10&pp=15 Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted October 26, 2005 Share Posted October 26, 2005 Blonde^, Before you broke up, or even the last time you spoke...if you made a point somewhere that you would like to stay together, thats all that you need to do to let them know the proverbial door is still open. By responding to them, its only going to encourage communication on a friendship level. Keep in mind that by not sticking to an "all or nothing" rule, you can sink to friend status real fast. If that's cool w/ you, then great. Otherwise, he knows how you feel and thats more than enough. Besides, ever heard the saying "people want what they cant have?" If he starts to think hes losing you, it'll either be enough for him to walk away for good, or enough to trigger his emotions and he'll flop right to your doorstep... Grace2005, Dude, your post almost made me laugh. You are so distracted by keeping tabs on your "timeliness" on calling ur ex back and when she calls you, youre not even seeing the message here. It took her EIGHTEEN HOURS to call u back. You dont think somewhere in that eighteen hours, she couldnt pick up the phone and call? I NEVER take that long to call friends back. Ever. Besides, did you accomplish anything by chatting with her? I mean REALLY accomplish anything? Answer? Hell no. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 26, 2005 Share Posted October 26, 2005 Here is an update on my situation. I broke no contact after 25 days and called her. She wasn't home so I left a message telling her she can call me at her convenience. And she called me 18 hours later. We talked for 10-15 minutes and I ended the conversation first. We are at the friendly contact stage now. I am able to control my emotions when I talk to her. I don't sound sad or upset. There is no arguing, no shouting, nothing negative at this point. And I talked to her online last night. She initiated conversation with me on yahoo messenger when I signed on. She later asked me if I'm still upset about the break up and I said no. Last night was the first time I've signed online while she's online since september 9th. She's online every other night but on the nights she's not online she has to spend at her grandmothers. So my plan is to sign online one more time and let her initiate pm conversation. (she always initiates conversation online) I will talk for 5 minutes and end it first by saying I have to get going because I have a friend coming over and then sign off. I don't plan to sign on for another 2 months after this. I'm laughing.....What did all this get you ????????????? No way Dude... would you go out with a chick that did this to you ???? No way .. She's gone .. Face the reality.. taste it .. Spit it out and either bone up and make a play to get her back or drop it.. You can't apply some scientific jerk me theory to love.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author grace2005 Posted October 26, 2005 Author Share Posted October 26, 2005 Actually I was expecting her to wait a few days before she would return my call. She could not have called any sooner than she did because I know what her schedule is like during the day. The night I called and she wasn't home was the night she was at her grandmas. She doesn't get home until after 4pm the next day because she's with her grandma at dialysis and then has to watch her until her uncle gets home at 4pm. She called me at 5pm last thursday afternoon. I called her Wednseday night at 10:40pm. Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted October 26, 2005 Share Posted October 26, 2005 Actually I was expecting her to wait a few days before she would return my call. She could not have called any sooner than she did because I know what her schedule is like during the day. The night I called and she wasn't home was the night she was at her grandmas. She doesn't get home until after 4pm the next day because she's with her grandma at dialysis and then has to watch her until her uncle gets home at 4pm. She called me at 5pm last thursday afternoon. I called her Wednseday night at 10:40pm. So no where in the 25 days that she didnt call you did it ever occur to you -- gee, maybe I need to wake up from this la-la land crap and acknowledge that she ISNT CALLING ME? Get yer gear on; youre cruisin for a bruisin, fella. Link to post Share on other sites
whereismylifegoing Posted October 26, 2005 Share Posted October 26, 2005 yeah come on dude. your not getting phone calls at all. give it up. at least my ex calls me and cry's on the phone and says weird ****. i still have little hope though. you are in some serious denial like most of us that are dumped. MOVE ON! Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted October 26, 2005 Share Posted October 26, 2005 yeah come on dude. your not getting phone calls at all. give it up. at least my ex calls me and cry's on the phone and says weird ****. i still have little hope though. you are in some serious denial like most of us that are dumped. MOVE ON! And then of course we have those who can offer up excellent advice, yet unfortunately cant seem to practice what they preach Link to post Share on other sites
helena abadi Posted October 26, 2005 Share Posted October 26, 2005 the D option is creating debate... if you want them back, you have to give them a chance to miss you. and when there is contact Always Understay Your Welcome. that means hanging up first, saying goodbye first. i walked past my ex's storefront without acknowledging him and sure enough 30 seconds later his head was out the door asking me to come in. we talked briefly, nothing emotional, and i said goodbye first. i was dressed very well and maintained my composure 100%. i just couldn't bring myself to wave as i walked past, i'm pissed at him with good reason and he (the dumper) needs to make the effort. i felt much better afterwards. i also wait some time before returning calls or text messages, not to be bitchy, but to preserve my sanity and maintain strict control over my feelings. i will not allow myself to unravel again. even if you can't go cold turkey on NC, you will probably heal in the end, but yeah, the doormat approach is a no boner. don't do it!! use your time more effectively in creating positive activities for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author grace2005 Posted October 26, 2005 Author Share Posted October 26, 2005 if you want them back, you have to give them a chance to miss you. and when there is contact Always Understay Your Welcome. that means hanging up first, saying goodbye first. I believe that in an earlier thread I said that I always end the conversation first whether it's me calling or her calling. I know that the purpose behind it is to make her wonder why I don't want to keep her on the line as long as I can since I'm so in love with her. Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 Seriously, if everytime I called someone they cut the conversation off just when it started to get good, I'd think ok...thanks for the call, I guess? And worse, if they made it a point to keep the conversations to a certain amount of time, I'd be like WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME IF YOURE THE ONE WHO ALWAYS HAS SOMETHING ELSE TO DO. Females can see thru these types of things, you know. Also -- it would probably help if the ex was CALLING YOU, not the other way around. This is the part where I would be shaking my head in amazement that youre seriously convinced your plan of action is going to get her back. Link to post Share on other sites
whereismylifegoing Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 Thanks for making fun of me J DUB i thought we were down....... i know i'm an idiot but i learned my lesson..........no friends, no contact .............thought we were down..................... (sad) Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 Thanks for making fun of me J DUB i thought we were down....... i know i'm an idiot but i learned my lesson..........no friends, no contact .............thought we were down..................... (sad) I was just playing and besides, I posted that comment BEFORE you woke up and smelled the coffee (decided enoughs enough w. that girl) Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts