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6 year marriage ended by ex. Blocking communication


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 7th August 2018, 10:15 PM   #46
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Is it wrong to be codependent with your other half? I kinda obliged all her requests without hesitation.

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Old 7th August 2018, 11:37 PM   #47
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Thanks all for your valuable feedback. I am not a psychologist, but i have seen some experts here in this forum, to guage the kind of certain disorders that many may have faced in their relationship. I have been very cautious going forward and thinking carefully in finding the right choice of my partner. I wanted to highlight some of the issues i faced with my ex in this 6 year long marraige -

<SNIP>
She was a real piece of work wasn't she? Sounded like the kind of crap I used to take.

When we don't have confidence in what we are doing or who we are, we will likely try to acquire it from others. As Marc878 put it, it makes a person co-dependant in a relationship. We become people pleasers and do for them everything they want, when they want, how they want because our desire to be loved and accepted is strong. We may also accept any kind of attention that comes our way..even if it is unhealthy and harmful attention because we don't believe we are worthy of anything better. We end up teaching people how to treat us by the way we treat ourselves. There are certain people with particular qualities who pick up on this vibe and pounce on it like a shark that detects blood in the water..it makes people who possess these qualities susceptable to abuse.

And that's what I gather from this list. You're very loyal and committed but likely that you have low self-esteem, low confidence, minimal self-respect or self-worth. If this is the case, then this is the reason why you endured this kind of treatment for so long. Because she was such a piece of sh*t..she took advantage of that.

I'm glad your open and asking questions about your situation. It means you will learn and get better.

- Beach
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People are meant to be loved. Things are meant to be used. The problem is we use people and love things..

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Old 8th August 2018, 8:37 AM   #48
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@Marc878 and ThreeRainbows

I think you're both right.

She probably feels a few other things but there is definitely guilt for the way she treated him. To assuage it, she tries to engage with him but OP isn't having it. Makes her feel like she doesn't matter to him. Makes her feel like she lost control and power over him. It triggers a storm of emotions she's currently caught up in, which she wants to desperately squash which is another reason I suspect she contacts him for. To save face, she attempts to play this off in a calm demeanor but we can see it leak out in her little outbursts. That mind of hers is working overtime behind the scenes.

But, most of these emotions are self serving in nature and have nothing to do with what's best for OP. The minute she gets a hold of herself, and she will, she'll move on just as she originally wanted to.

- Beach
What other reasons do u think she feels? Why would she have the guilt now since she had decided to leave me a long time ago? I am sure she would have seen this day coming in the future. I though she would be prepared to address it through some of her nonsensical thoughts. Its interesting and apoears she still has not informed our divorce to any of her friends. One of her mutual friend called and he spoke to me as if he had no idea.
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Old 8th August 2018, 8:51 PM   #49
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What other reasons do u think she feels? Why would she have the guilt now since she had decided to leave me a long time ago? I am sure she would have seen this day coming in the future. I though she would be prepared to address it through some of her nonsensical thoughts. Its interesting and apoears she still has not informed our divorce to any of her friends. One of her mutual friend called and he spoke to me as if he had no idea.
It's the fact that she is trying to stay in touch with you that makes me unapologetically generalize her. She spent all those years treating you like crap and now she wants to be civil and friendly? Why?

It's never about keeping in touch or being friends when it comes to this stuff.

She doesn't know what you've been up to because you haven't let her in which is honestly the best thing you could have done. So, the days have been accumulating without you and everyday you're not around, the reality of that divorce is seeping in little by little..with that reality, comes reflection of the relationship. With it, also comes the realization that she no longer has any power over you. If she treated you like crap, then it's likely she's reflecting on that as well because it's those unresolved thoughts that often make these exes want to be "civil" or "Friendly." They got things in their conscious they want to fix and they need you, in order to do it.

As for other reasons, I don't know exactly what they are..I just know if she's trying to stay connected to you, it's because she's thinking about everything.

Don't let it give you hope because it won't last. She wanted the divorce, there was a reason she wanted it, and that's what she still wants. Her trying to be friends or trying to keep in touch is just momentary weaknesses that will eventually subside. As soon as she finds a new man (Which she will), she'll treat you like you never existed. Believe that.

- Beach

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Old 8th August 2018, 11:06 PM   #50
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She's like a child with a toy. She didn't want anything to do with it until it was taken away.

Stay dark. There is nothing there for you.
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Old 8th August 2018, 11:10 PM   #51
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Is it wrong to be codependent with your other half? I kinda obliged all her requests without hesitation.
Always. Codependency leads to lack of respect which will lead to being played/taken advantage of.

Hence, unnattractive and you become meaningless.

You have value. Use it.
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Old 9th August 2018, 12:34 AM   #52
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Always. Codependency leads to lack of respect which will lead to being played/taken advantage of.

Hence, unnattractive and you become meaningless.

You have value. Use it.
Yea, I agree. Just to add to those thoughts, I've learned with the years there's a thin line between being loyal/committed because we care for someone vs. being loyal/committed because we don't know how to see any value/worth in ourself so we try to extract it from someone else. Sometimes it's done through relationships, sometimes friendships. This is co-dependency and its the reason why we stay in relationships that are bad for us.

I was with a girl a few years ago who treated me like sh*t. I thought staying loyal and not giving up was noble. "Everyone gives up when things go wrong but not me. I'm going to show her and the world what love is" I thought.

Problem was, she had done a lot of disrespectful things right from the get go that I ignored because I admittedly wanted to be with her. I didn't give a d*mn about my life or my well-being so I handed it over to her. For me, a relationship was something I always wanted. It was a need that came partly from being lonely for so long and not wanting to approach my 30's still single..all the wrong reasons to get into a relationship. Because of that I just never wanted to admit to myself that this relationship and this girl was not it.

But I didn't..

So half way into this, she was cancelling plans at the last minute, breaking promises, didn't even spend time with me on my birthday and started a fight with me that weekend. Then she left overseas to study medicine and it got even worse. She became more irritated and would snap at me. I'd try to talk to her about her change in behaviour and she would leave me in the dark to figure it all out on my own. I spent everyday thinking about what we were and whether she even loved me like she had told me because it didn't feel it. What I felt was misery. I remember lying awake at nights. I remember crying. If I was thinking clearly, I would have admitted the red flags that I saw in the beginning and cut it off before it became what it did but, I needed intimacy, companionship, love and someone to validate my value because I certainly didn't care enough about myself to do it. Nearly destroyed myself for it. That's Co-dependency.


Truth is, I could avoided a lot of terrible situations if I had known this back then but I didn't.

People who see value in themselves already know how to recognize what they have and who's there. They invest in what is meaningful to them and they don't centralize their life to finding a partner. So they come into a relationship from a place of strength and they give to the relationship not be liked or loved, but because they want to share what they bring to the table. They are ready to walk away if need be.

Time and time again, I see these kinds of people but I also see the people who centralize their lives around finding love and friendship. Both groups have problems but the second category of people end up having far more emotionally sporadic lives that cost them in other areas while the first are more balanced and the end up accomplishing far more in all categories.

- Beach

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Old 10th August 2018, 9:11 AM   #53
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I am taking my days in a very positive manner, busy with work, workout and regularly involving in some or the other activities.
However the back of mind always has that tragic sadness of losing something very dear.
When i sleep at night , i do get peaceful sleep. But my dreams are filled with past menories of my relationship with Ex. It also brings in nonsense sub consious thoughts about my childhood crushes, some early childhoid memories, good ones usually and having a relatiinship with someone other than my ex. Sometimes feelings of betrayal,loneliness, sadness etc. Its a weird feeling. I cant be roo sad. I cant be too happy. I go through this phase every night when asleep. Although the dream phase is not in my control.
Any thoughts / suggestions on how to overcome this?
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Old 10th August 2018, 5:19 PM   #54
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I am taking my days in a very positive manner, busy with work, workout and regularly involving in some or the other activities.
However the back of mind always has that tragic sadness of losing something very dear.
When i sleep at night , i do get peaceful sleep. But my dreams are filled with past menories of my relationship with Ex. It also brings in nonsense sub consious thoughts about my childhood crushes, some early childhoid memories, good ones usually and having a relatiinship with someone other than my ex. Sometimes feelings of betrayal,loneliness, sadness etc. Its a weird feeling. I cant be roo sad. I cant be too happy. I go through this phase every night when asleep. Although the dream phase is not in my control.
Any thoughts / suggestions on how to overcome this?
Ah, the old dreams. Been there as well.

The dreams will eventually subside as your mind starts to reestablish balance so your objective is to do things that will help you achieve that balance. Things that make you feel as good as you can feel given this period of time, whatever it is. The only thing I would advise not to do is to drink or indulge in drugs or date or jump into new relationships. These are just coping mechanisms that avoid dealing with and processing your pain. You will not heal from it, only postpone. You will need to ride the pain out and let your mind process and and solve the puzzles and get through this period of time. Peace and quiet and healthy people and activities in your life is what will do it for you.

- Beach

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Old 10th August 2018, 5:35 PM   #55
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Any thoughts / suggestions on how to overcome this?
The best way to get over someone is TIME!

U can do it cooldude123
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Old 10th August 2018, 6:06 PM   #56
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I am taking my days in a very positive manner, busy with work, workout and regularly involving in some or the other activities.
However the back of mind always has that tragic sadness of losing something very dear.
When i sleep at night , i do get peaceful sleep. But my dreams are filled with past menories of my relationship with Ex. It also brings in nonsense sub consious thoughts about my childhood crushes, some early childhoid memories, good ones usually and having a relatiinship with someone other than my ex. Sometimes feelings of betrayal,loneliness, sadness etc. Its a weird feeling. I cant be roo sad. I cant be too happy. I go through this phase every night when asleep. Although the dream phase is not in my control.
Any thoughts / suggestions on how to overcome this?
Get busy making new memories. It will help overshadow the old ones.
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Old 10th August 2018, 7:19 PM   #57
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I sometimes wonder the human mind is so tricky that it simply remembers the past memories no matter ehat the circumstances are. despite living in an emotionally abusive relationship i remember the good and the bad things of our past relationship. This is after being dumped and I being the dumpee.

Isn't it odd the dumper hardly goes through any of the guilt feeling or the pain that the dumpee is facing?
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Old 11th August 2018, 3:29 PM   #58
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I sometimes wonder the human mind is so tricky that it simply remembers the past memories no matter ehat the circumstances are. despite living in an emotionally abusive relationship i remember the good and the bad things of our past relationship. This is after being dumped and I being the dumpee.

Isn't it odd the dumper hardly goes through any of the guilt feeling or the pain that the dumpee is facing?
They go through emotions..it's just different from what we go through as dumpees.

If we're lucky, some partners may actually talk about things and settle on breaking up together as being the best solution. Doesn't happen often though.

In most cases, dumpers do their "Getting over you" in the relationship itself. They sit there, analyzing the pros and cons of being with you and assessing whether it's worth it for them. But if you and the relationship isn't for them, being with you will start to feel like an obligation and that feeling will get progressively worse until it feels like a prison. Their guilt starts to pile on because they know what they're going to have to do so they try to postpone the inevitable for as long as they can. They also start to feel better and better spending time with other people and doing other things because being with you reminds them of every sh*tty thing they feel about themself, about you and the relationship. It's like relief. Most dumpers will hide it well. Maybe we notice they're more irritable. Maybe they are less talkative. Maybe they smile less. Either way, we chalk it up to them having bad day. We'll excuse it. We'll let it slide. We trust them and believe in our relationship with them. Weak people who are on their way to dumping you may start to talk to other women or men and begin building a portfolio of possible prospects to bounce to as they prepare to leave. Others may just cheat and not say a word because they're afraid to be alone and lose what's comfortable and familiar.

In the end, when they've finally reached that point where they are tired of lying to themselves about how unhappy they are and have prepared for the departure, they end it. Again, weak people might blame you or make you feel like you did something wrong but it's really just them projecting their guilt onto you. Others might cope by jumping into a new relationship. Only thing for them to get over at that point is the doubt/fear about the future and the guilt. They're already a good 80-90% over the whole thing. That's why to us, they seem cold, remorseless and heartless when the relationship ends.

For us, this is all one big sudden atomic bomb of a shock. It's Day 0 of moving on for us while it's day 150 for them.

-Beach

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Old 14th August 2018, 5:05 PM   #59
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On a lighter note, should i be sending b'day wishes to my ex who I have blocked since divorce? I know the answer is mostly no, but still putting it out there for your feedback.
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Old 15th August 2018, 10:35 AM   #60
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On a lighter note, should i be sending b'day wishes to my ex who I have blocked since divorce? I know the answer is mostly no, but still putting it out there for your feedback.
The answer is no plane and simple. You didn't block her for no reason , right? It should be a mutual understanding between you that you are not talking but you never know when contact will come. If you are committed to it I would say no..
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