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6 year marriage ended by ex. Blocking communication


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 21st July 2018, 6:50 PM   #1
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6 year marriage ended by ex. Blocking communication

Me and my ex recently divorced a 6 year sex starved marraige against my wishes.( problems were on both sides with eventually she shutting me off and claiming i may be gay or impotent and her super non trust issues) I was amicable until the end. Did not leave any what IFs. I could see an emotional ex on the D day however she still proceeded with the D. In fact she had tried to reach out to me with some emotional BS support a day earlier to D. I had already blocked all her contact through text and messaging and had not told her. She called my friend to check on me the day before divorce and adviced him to ensure i turn up to the court the final day and "set her free". She was kinda worried i may not show up and thought i was an emotional wreck. While in fact i was solid as a stone.
Anyways we are divorced now. After divorce when we were headed to parking lot she asked if i got her msgs. I said no. This was presumably the last day i would ever see her as I had nentioned not to contact me "ever" after divorce. Just bid good bye and left. When i looked her in the eye, saw her forcefully holding back tears. She sent me the below communication

After divorce she attempts to send me this -
Tried to contact me by whatsapp and cell.. number is blocked.. so she sends me below humble email

I tried to reach you through whatsapp and also through your cell but i am unable to reach you. Looks like may be you have blocked me. Thats fine, i understand. you have all right to block me but I just wanted to know what is good way to reach you and inform after my health insurance gets changee as it may take sometime. Please let me know.

Also, wanted to let you know that I have no hard feelings for u and i am always ur wellwisher. I would be happy to know how u r doing and would be happy to keep in touch. But i would not disturb u if u dont want to hear from me.

I am sorry if I have hurt u knowingly or unknowingly but i never wished ur bad.

Take care

I responded -- Email is best to inform me regarding healthcare


She sends response - ok thanks

After about 20 min another email pops up from her -

I am not in your life anymore and i know it was my decision but if u ever feel you want to talk to me or have any anything in mind u want to share or ask me whether its ur anger or anything. I will always be there.

Wish u all the happiness and success in life

Take care


She even attempted to have a casual conversation with me and below is the exchange. She left me a sweet humble VM despite knowing she was blocked asking me to call back. I did not respomd and she sent me the below-

Ex:I had some question regarding insurance. Can u please call me? Thank you

Me: please send me the Q by email.

Ex: I wont distrub your peace, casually wanted to speak and ask some insurance question

Me: Its better we communicate through email going forward.. send ne your question here please

Ex: You may remove me from your health insurance.(with date details)

Hopefully, that is the last I will ever hear from her.

How do you think i should handle these breadcrumbs? And why she still wants to be in my life someway?

Last edited by cooldude123; 21st July 2018 at 6:59 PM..
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Old 21st July 2018, 7:04 PM   #2
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Trying to sort out insurance etc post divorce isn't breadcrumbs - it's practicality. Nor is leaving the door open to amicable contact when desired/required. Despite the fact that the marriage failed, it would appear she simply isn't the kind of person who enjoys carrying around hate or grudges. Personally, I think this reflects well on her.

That said, there's no rule that you have to stay in contact. If blocking her makes you feel calmer and happier, then do as you please.
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Old 21st July 2018, 7:23 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by basil67 View Post
Trying to sort out insurance etc post divorce isn't breadcrumbs - it's practicality. Nor is leaving the door open to amicable contact when desired/required. Despite the fact that the marriage failed, it would appear she simply isn't the kind of person who enjoys carrying around hate or grudges. Personally, I think this reflects well on her.

That said, there's no rule that you have to stay in contact. If blocking her makes you feel calmer and happier, then do as you please.

Well just a day before divorce when i was against divorce,she had so much resentment that she insulted me in front of my friends. She did that the entire preceding 4 years in our marraige. She never liked my company and always had something or the other back of her mind against me. Even just before divorce she declared she had no feelings for me at all. And claimed its just a 1 sided love affair which i exhibited.
I was very clear right from a long time that i wouldn't be in touch after divorce which is what i want to maintain. I beleive she should respect my feelings. Her words show more of showing concern in email ehilr all the while she was manipulative.
The insurance thing was just a pretext to establish communication with me someway or the other. Yes i am blocking her so i can move on. The more important reason is that i am blocking her because she is manipulative and lies through the teeth and behaves differently under different circumstances.

Last edited by cooldude123; 21st July 2018 at 7:26 PM..
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Old 21st July 2018, 10:38 PM   #4
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Dude

This really resonates because I was in a similar position . I was an emotional wreck after my first breakup/divorce . I couldnt make sense of her actions .

But At the time of the divorce I even wrote an extended email detailing every possible piece of information she could need from me . (ie: SSN, Birthday , Date of Marriage and Divorce , List of addresses where we had lived , etc ... ) . This was done in order to prevent her from contacting me . I swtiched phone numbers . But she still send emails asking dumb questions a few months later .

I never replied or contacted her again I think , but I remember making a huge drama with my friends asking them “why would she write to me !? What does she want ?!”

A friend told me years later as we were watching a Jim Carrey movie in TV : “ Dude remember that time you were practically crying over a few messages you got from your Ex? .... That’s exactly how you looked , like an exaggerating drama queen who was practically screaming WHYYYY!?!! , when we all just looked at each other and said to ourselves .... uhmm you could just delete and ignore the messages bro... But we knew you were fishing for breadcrumbs at the time because you werent prepared to cope with thr breakup, and just supported you”

It seems that you might be doing the same thing my friend .

Try and hang around people who have your back during these tough times .

Believe me , you will laugh at this later in life as I am able to do now.

Cheers Bud
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Old 22nd July 2018, 12:49 AM   #5
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Hey OP,

You read the situation correctly and respect to you for stating that you did not wish to speak to her again after the divorce.

She's ignoring your wishes because she's going through sporadic emotions at the moment. The reality of the divorce along with you cutting her out has now hit her and it's overwhelming and she's uncomfortable and full of separation anxiety. She attempting to relieve it by getting you to engage with her. Asking about the insurance is the gateway she is using so that she can slide the conversation into something else.

She treated you like crap before the divorce. Nothing's changed. And if it was really just insurance related, she'd oblige to your wishes and ask you the question via email instead of bringing up things like being sorry, and wanting to be friends and then trying to escalate this supposedly important question to a phone call. Do not mistake it for her wanting to be with you. It's just separation anxiety. She'll get over it and then she'll move on with her life as she originally planned.

If she wishes to contact you about what it is regarding insurance, she can do through email.

You remain strong.

- Beach
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Old 22nd July 2018, 12:59 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by cooldude123 View Post
I beleive she should respect my feelings.
As soon as we insert the word "should" into the way we want other people to behave, we will always find ourselves disappointed.

If you don't want her to contact you, then block her. But it's up to you to make sure your own needs are met because you can't change her approach.
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Old 22nd July 2018, 4:25 AM   #7
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Thank you all for the comments. I am doing exactly the same and moving on with my life so the past does not bother me. I just have sweet memories in me. While she must be having a monster of me in her thoughts.
Yes i had written a long practical farewell letter before i left herppinting out that "actions have consequences" and sent her via text. She bashed me by taking up that letter in a negative way (I had presumed she would). When i wanted to separate that day she didnt allow me to. I hung up the phone 20 to 30 times and she agreed to meet my friends to show how much she loved me and she still wanted divorce. All manipulative as a week later she was a completely different arrogant woman. Even my friends were surprised by her 2 sided behavior.
Now that the separation anxiety hit her,she kinda wants me back someway, which is wierd. She has exhibited this kind of a f7^%%ing cat and mouse immature game since a very long time. I hope she realizes what she wants in life and simply move on rather than worrying about the past.
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Old 22nd July 2018, 11:21 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by cooldude123 View Post
Thank you all for the comments. I am doing exactly the same and moving on with my life so the past does not bother me. I just have sweet memories in me. While she must be having a monster of me in her thoughts.
Yes i had written a long practical farewell letter before i left herppinting out that "actions have consequences" and sent her via text. She bashed me by taking up that letter in a negative way (I had presumed she would). When i wanted to separate that day she didnt allow me to. I hung up the phone 20 to 30 times and she agreed to meet my friends to show how much she loved me and she still wanted divorce. All manipulative as a week later she was a completely different arrogant woman. Even my friends were surprised by her 2 sided behavior.
Now that the separation anxiety hit her,she kinda wants me back someway, which is wierd. She has exhibited this kind of a f7^%%ing cat and mouse immature game since a very long time. I hope she realizes what she wants in life and simply move on rather than worrying about the past.
Not weird. Her overall desire is to leave but she's realizing that her life will change. All the things she did before which includes arguing and fighting and playing cat and mouse with you are over. The future is uncertain. It scares her. In addition, she doesn't have access to you or your life as she used to so she doesn't know what's going on with you. The power she had is gone with it. So it's a combination of anxiety towards the future and anxiety from being apart. Sometimes those fears can override what a person truly wants.

This is why a lot of people run back to their exes even though things were terrible in the relationship. They give in because it's too difficult and painful to face an uncertain future so they choose the easy way out and return to comfort and familiarity. They settle. They soothe their anxiety and feel happy in the relationship again for a little while until all the old problems start creeping back up. Things go back to the way it was and just like that, they're broken up again.

- Beach

Last edited by Beachead; 22nd July 2018 at 11:31 AM..
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Old 22nd July 2018, 12:39 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by basil67 View Post
Trying to sort out insurance etc post divorce isn't breadcrumbs - it's practicality. Nor is leaving the door open to amicable contact when desired/required. Despite the fact that the marriage failed, it would appear she simply isn't the kind of person who enjoys carrying around hate or grudges. Personally, I think this reflects well on her.

That said, there's no rule that you have to stay in contact. If blocking her makes you feel calmer and happier, then do as you please.
I not feel this reflects well on her at all. A truly caring person would realize they hurt the ex and do their best to leave them alone and heal.

What she is doing is self serving and manipulative and has nothing to do with caring about the OP.

He should not respond unless her lawyer is contacting him at which point he should have his lawyer respond.

He has no legal or moral obligation to ever speak with her again.
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Old 22nd July 2018, 1:07 PM   #10
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They all want to "friends" after but it's for them not you.

Blocking everything is a good thing. Once everything is finalized block her email as well
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Old 22nd July 2018, 5:51 PM   #11
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I agreed to my mistakes during my marital life and asked her to give it a thought and to think over before proceeding with divorce.
Looking back at past i see that it was an emotionally abusive relationship. I never knew that i was in this abuse for such a long period of time.
She only took from me with little to return. She was more concerned about her safety, her security and her family in this relationship. It was never a mutual understanding. Always one sided and I being the giver. Made her life easy and comfortable until she could stand on her legs and be independent. Once she became independent she simply left me. Hurts but is just part of life. How much should one apologize if he did not lead the relationship in the rightbway? I did not betray her or did not cheat on her.

Last edited by cooldude123; 22nd July 2018 at 6:02 PM..
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Old 22nd July 2018, 6:42 PM   #12
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I agreed to my mistakes during my marital life and asked her to give it a thought and to think over before proceeding with divorce.
Looking back at past i see that it was an emotionally abusive relationship. I never knew that i was in this abuse for such a long period of time.
She only took from me with little to return. She was more concerned about her safety, her security and her family in this relationship. It was never a mutual understanding. Always one sided and I being the giver. Made her life easy and comfortable until she could stand on her legs and be independent. Once she became independent she simply left me. Hurts but is just part of life. How much should one apologize if he did not lead the relationship in the rightbway? I did not betray her or did not cheat on her.
Exactly.

Nobody's perfect. We make mistakes. We don't say or do the right things at the right time and coincidently we may say or do the wrong things at the right times. But as long as in your heart, you know you gave your all and made the best decisions you could make at the time, then that's all you can ask of themselves. There is no other way you could have been anyone else but that person. As crappy as it may feel, I hope you find solace in that.

- Beach
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Old 22nd July 2018, 6:55 PM   #13
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I not feel this reflects well on her at all. A truly caring person would realize they hurt the ex and do their best to leave them alone and heal.

What she is doing is self serving and manipulative and has nothing to do with caring about the OP.

He should not respond unless her lawyer is contacting him at which point he should have his lawyer respond.

He has no legal or moral obligation to ever speak with her again.
I completely agree with this. OP you did the right thing by asking her to forward information re insurance in an email. It is better to have these things in writing anyway or only contact through your attorney. She wanted the divorce so suck it up and go away. I don't blame you one bit for not wanting to talk to her.
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Old 22nd July 2018, 7:38 PM   #14
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That is pretty much exactly what i intend to do. Block her from Everything. I will block her from my email as well. Block her from my life completely. She will understand eventually that it was the right thing to do on my part.
The funny part is she expects me to say something which she feels i am hiding from her. (Like to reveal to her that i am sort of gay or something lol..) i cant beleive her mindet is such. She always thinks she is right . She feels her approach is correct and very adamant she should live with that decision.
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Old 23rd July 2018, 6:45 AM   #15
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I completely agree with this. OP you did the right thing by asking her to forward information re insurance in an email. It is better to have these things in writing anyway or only contact through your attorney. She wanted the divorce so suck it up and go away. I don't blame you one bit for not wanting to talk to her.
Thanks stillafool. If you closely look at the email chain it shows how manipulative she is. She initially sent an email contacting me with a pretext of having an insurance question. However there was no question. She was just trying to communicate with me somehow. And if you see ultimately it was more of sending me the insurance cancellation.why does it matter now of all the time for me to play her games?
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