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Pain is overwhelming


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 26th December 2017, 8:14 PM   #76
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Originally Posted by Heartbrokenandhurt View Post
But I still feel very unfullfilled. I don't want to wait till my 40s to have a serious relationship, and miss out on having a family. I already feel less than friends etc because I can't keep a boyfriend.
Unfortunately, this ^ is probably a lot of the reason you are single. People want a partner who's lives are already together. They want a partner who's confident in their own right. Someone for whom a partner adds to their life, rather than making their life.

All of your self esteem is pegged on whether or not you have a boyfriend. This will significantly reduce your attractiveness to the opposite sex.
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Old 26th December 2017, 8:16 PM   #77
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I just wanted to say I understand your pain and where you are coming from. Iím 35 and like you, Iíve had no luck with long term fulfilling relationships. My longest was six months too. Iíve watched all my friends from high school and people around me so effortlessly get into long term relationships, become married, have children etc. Iíve often questioned ďwhy not me?Ē ďWhen is it finally going to be my turn?Ē ďWhatís wrong with me?Ē ďAm I just not lovable?Ē Etc.. With each new year I wonder if this will be the year Iíll meet ďthe oneĒ for me? Each year Iím disappointed yet again. Itís hard watching friends and family taking trips with significant others, being spoiled by their significant other on birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas etc. Having someone to come home to, laugh with, cry with, tell their good news to. Watching them get engaged, married....seeing the joy on their faces when they become pregnant or hold their new baby for the first time. Seeing those family Christmas photos with the perfect devoted husband and two beautiful kids. It hurts because I wonder if I will ever get to experience those joys? Or if those things just arenít in the cards for me?

Like you, Iíve been left by guys I loved dearly who pursued me and whom I thought loved me. They left me like I meant nothing. Iíve been ghosted many times, lied to, cheated on etc. Iíve suffered from deep depression where some days I just didnít get out of bed. I no longer wanted to live. So I understand those feelings. Itís a deep hole thatís hard to climb out of. But donít you think you deserve better than this guy? Someone who actually loves you back and shares the same feelings for you? Why give him so much power? He may be a wonderful person, but he has flaws too just like everyone else. If he were such the perfect man for you wouldnít you two be together? Donít be so hard on yourself. People will come and go in your life. Few will stay, but most will leave. The ones who truly matter though will stay. Donít let the rejection from this one guy or any person in general determine your worth as a human being. You are worthy!! Believe in that and others will too! Confidence in yourself is attractive. Itís something that I still struggle with on a daily basis.

Also, why base all your happiness on a guy? Arenít there other things in your life that make you happy? Is it really so bad being single when you have hobbies to enjoy? Family and friends to spend time with? Events to look forward to? I donít know about you, but Iíve recently realized that instead of worrying and being sad over being rejected by guy after guy.....I could use that time to spend with my precious family whom Iím grateful for. Itís not until they are gone that you will wish you had more time with them. Life is so short! Donít have regrets. Live life while you still can instead of wasting it by pining over someone because once your life is over there is no going back. No do-overs. Find something that makes you happy or brings you joy. It could be anything. Become emersed in it. Keep busy. Know that youíre not alone in your feelings. Itís ok to be sad and cry.....just donít stay there forever. Because there is more living to be done!

This may not be for you and thatís ok, but I recently found an online therapy site called 7 cups of tea. It has really helped me. There are people there to talk to who want to help. There are people there who can relate. Itís free to use most of the sites features. They also have licensed therapists to talk to for a small fee. Like I said, it may not be for you. Just thought Iíd mention it just in case.

Whatever you do, just donít give up. Reach out to people for help if you need to. Even if you have before, reach out again. I wish you peace and happiness.
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You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel. ~ Anonymous
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Old 26th December 2017, 8:18 PM   #78
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Originally Posted by Heartbrokenandhurt View Post
miss out on having a family.
You COULD decide that if the right guy hasn't come along by 35, that you'll have a baby on your own. Cynical me says that the majority of relationships breakdown anyway, starting out single doesn't make that much difference anyway.


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Originally Posted by Heartbrokenandhurt View Post
Even just checking my phone makes me feel rejected. Its like i'm waiting/hoping for a message that will never come.
Ive been here. Eventually you'll stop looking for those messages. I'm doing it too, at the moment, despite telling him not to contact me. But eventually you'll stop looking.



This is a horrible time. It's 30 years since I've hurt this way. It's no easier now, than it was as a teenager.

Sending you love. I know how you feel. I'm feeling it too.
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Old 26th December 2017, 8:35 PM   #79
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Originally Posted by Heartbrokenandhurt View Post
I am reading each and every one of your posts. It is helping. But I still feel very unfullfilled. I don't want to wait till my 40s to have a serious relationship, and miss out on having a family. I already feel less than friends etc because I can't keep a boyfriend. Can you tell me honestly, why do you think your friends who were so single, single for so long? Were they not attractive enough?

Even just checking my phone makes me feel rejected. Its like i'm waiting/hoping for a message that will never come.
I will tell you, as someone who was single for a long time and is now in a relationship... I wondered what people thought of me and if they would feel differently when I found "the one." I was surprised at home very little they cared... Most were interested, some still haven't actually bothered to meet him... But, for the most part, nobody has said or done anything differently to me.

I wondered too how I would feel having someone in my life. Sure, there was some initial excitement to tell people about him and to do all the "firsts" together... But that quickly wore off and now I have someone who complains that he has to attend too many family gatherings with me! . It was also really nice to have someone to go to a movie with and snuggle with at night... But you know, I can't talk to him like I do my girlfriends, I don't get to do my own thing anymore (I missed out on something with friends today because he wanted to spend the day together), and sometimes he does stuff that really makes me crazy...

Like everything in life, it is a trade off. There is good and bad to being in a relationship. There is good and bad to being single. The important thing is to bloom where you are planted... Be grateful for what you have because your life could change tomorrow, for the better or for the worse.
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Old 26th December 2017, 8:40 PM   #80
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Can you tell me honestly, why do you think your friends who were so single, single for so long? Were they not attractive enough?
Sure, I'll answer this about my friends who either got married later in life or haven't yet gotten married.

S - got married late 30s to a man she dated on and off for over 10 years. She's definitely attractive, great petite body, super normal although has anxiety, but who doesn't? She's my age, 45, and has 3 kids under age 5. One miscarriage that I know of.

T - Married around age 42? Beautiful woman, highly intelligent and career driven (executive at a Fortune 100) but always wanted marriage and definitely went through times of depression over it. (She was always willing to give up her career in a second if she could have a family) Suffered from some insecurities with her body that resulted from a car accident and she is also just pretty quirky, not a sensual person at all I'd day. Opened up rarely and only to a few, which limited her relationship success (a bit of a tough and unusual childhood). Endearing, but she definitely had to find her match, and he's also quite quirky! And quite a bit younger than her. She's been tested and probably will not have children due to diminished fertility. She's the best aunt in the world, though. She and her husband embrace traveling and being pet parents. She embraces her hobbies.

D - Got married this year at age 46. While not conventionally "beautiful" she is very cute and I'm very envious of her body lol. She's also the most beautiful person "inside" I've ever met. She's 100% secure in herself, giving, compassionate, kind, great listener. I could go on and on. But, she's INTENSE. Analyzes everything to death, has no tolerance for inauthentic/surface relationships, had to find her match in that and also her spiritual equal. She's a very strong Christian. Her new husband is her perfect match. I doubt they will try to have children because of her age and bad back, but I see them adopting someday since her family is really big into adoption and she'd make an amazing mother.

H - Will be 46 soon and I doubt she will ever get married. Not because of what she looks like, although she's always been insecure that she's not conventionally beautiful (and also has car accident related disfigurement), but because of her overbearing, negative, outspoken and extremely feminist view of the world. I'm really not sure what kind of man she could end up with that would find her qualities endearing. She's had relationships but it seems like a lot of them are "on and off." She's just not a very "giving" person, except probably in bed.

C - Very pretty, happy, fit, secure, successful, smart, kind, age 46. I'm not really sure why she never met her match since I've only known her for about 4 years, but she went ahead and had two kids anyway with a sperm donor. They are 4 and about 8 months now. She's very, very happy!

M - Same as above, but just one kid .

S - Same as above, but personality is more like H, so....I don't know.....I don't know her well enough, by choice. We don't click.

C & M would make great partners. I have no clue why they are still single, but they are still embracing and loving life regardless of that.

I could also list just as many (women and men) who got married younger (in our twenties) and have had really sucky times of marital betrayal, abuse, divorce, and single parenthood.

Nobody gets out of this life without hard times. Resorting to "comparing" those hard times to anyone else (i.e. "well at least you got married and had kids before your life went to poop!") does no good.

Pain is pain and it is inevitable. It's how we deal with it that matters.
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Old 26th December 2017, 9:22 PM   #81
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You will be surprised about how little people care when you find someone to date or marry.... They will be happy for you. But, they probably don't spend much time thinking about it because they are busy living their own lives. They probably don't care as much as you think they do.

Just live your life. Do the things that bring you joy. Try to meet new people and stay open to possibilities. If it's meant to be, it will be...

Last edited by BaileyB; 26th December 2017 at 9:27 PM..
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Old 26th December 2017, 9:29 PM   #82
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I'm sorry to read you feel so low. It is clear that you validate yourself through the love of a man, not love if yourself.

I'm 45 and have had numerous disastrous relationships. Finally met a good man aged 40.

No man will make you happy. You have to do that yourself. You are depressed because you see yourself as always being single. Instead of accepting this prediction as fact, do something about it. Decide to not be single and look for a partner, but when you are well.

My exes don't contact me on my birthday and I don't want them to.

Your ex has gone, as have mine. It doesn't make me less of a person because we broke up or they dumped me.
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Old 26th December 2017, 9:40 PM   #83
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"You’ll worry less about what people think about you when you realize how seldom they do." (not attributing this to anyone in particular since it's not definitive who first said it )
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Old 27th December 2017, 1:23 AM   #84
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Originally Posted by Heartbrokenandhurt View Post
I've never had a loving relationship. I'm in my late twenties. All i've ever wanted from life was marriage and a family. I'm not even bothered about career. That was my goal in life and every year it just feels further and further away. Of course i'm sad all the time!! I found the guy I loved, and it feels he has taken my dream away. Because i'm not 'this' or 'that' and it feels horribly unfair.

I CAN be positive, but i'm very tired. Tired of being the one who never has it, tired of feeling a failure that i'm not reaching my goal. I tried with my ex, you can all see how much I wanted it to work out. When you're constantly not reaching this goal that everyone around you is, you do get demoralised and you do question whats wrong with you and then your self esteam keeps deminishing.
You're speaking of what I feel in my heart as well. I get this.

You've been single not by choice and you've had to sit there for 5 years picking yourself back up, patting yourself on the back, complimenting yourself while all your friends/family went on to meet the love of their life and you have been waiting and waiting for your turn and it hasn't been coming. You're human too. It wore you out as it did me.

But in that process, you became consumed with the goal of finding love and getting married and made it your all or nothing. You mentioned how he ruined "Your dream." What about his dreams? What about what he wants? Is his existence to fulfill only yours? The thing is, people have free will so we can't hope to work hard at "achieving a person" as if they are a degree or a job or a prize to be won and expect a straight line path to the result we want. It's just not a Point A to B type thing with love/relationships. It's variable. People can change just like that. You've invested something as precious as your heart into something so risky and so volatile and that's where you went wrong. Because the second things go south, you don't have anything else to hold you up. No other interest or activities or goals in your life to cushion the blow. That person is your entire life so your well-being is completely tied to their casual day to day moods which may have nothing to do with you. So when he left, you fell apart and couldn't recover because of this. Can't live like that OP. If suffering for a year and seeing your mental health deteriorate because of this man isn't proof enough of that, I don't know what is.

You need to truly let go of this need to be with someone if you want to see different results or you will destroy yourself.

It took me 12 years to get an emotional point where I just couldn't take anymore because of so much failure. I felt exactly as you felt and I wanted change. The advice the people in this thread gave you was the one thing that restored me during my hardships. This is why I back it up. I hope you try it for yourself with open arms.

Goodluck

Last edited by Beachead; 27th December 2017 at 1:45 AM..
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Old 27th December 2017, 8:33 AM   #85
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Thanks for all your posts. Its nice to read positive ones rather than 'He doesn't love you, get over it, move on' etc that i've had before.

Sadly, I am judged by my relationship status. I tend to find that when I haven't spoken to someone in a while and they ask how I am, they always have to ask something like 'Hows the love life?' and I hate it because its not my choice its non existant, its been my (ex) boyfriends decision.

I feel hurt daily that I told my ex not to contact me again and he agreed to it. Even not thinking of my Birthday or Christmas. Its like i've disappeared off the face of the earth when just over a year ago we were a couple.
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Old 27th December 2017, 10:10 AM   #86
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Thanks for all your posts. Its nice to read positive ones rather than 'He doesn't love you, get over it, move on' etc that i've had before.

Sadly, I am judged by my relationship status. I tend to find that when I haven't spoken to someone in a while and they ask how I am, they always have to ask something like 'Hows the love life?' and I hate it because its not my choice its non existant, its been my (ex) boyfriends decision.

I feel hurt daily that I told my ex not to contact me again and he agreed to it. Even not thinking of my Birthday or Christmas. Its like i've disappeared off the face of the earth when just over a year ago we were a couple.
I know exactly what you mean. I get that too from people who haven't seen me in some time. I'm 31 now. All my cousins my age and older are married now. All people I knew from grade school are all in relationships/engaged/married. My current friends are in relationships. A couple of people got married in the past year and are getting married in 2018. Meanwhile..I get left by someone who convinced me she loved me for the 3rd time in my life. I'm happy for everyone but I'm also hurting because of it. No lies.

My solution was to just walk away from everything and everyone and keep to myself, focus on my goals/aspirations and only that. It's the only thing that brings me joy during such a dark time in my life. At this point, I give up on being with anyone. I'm not capable of loving anyone because I got too much anger an hurt in my heart. I have enough energy to love the only people who make me feel loved like my immediate family. The rest goes to me and only me. It's not a flawless solution..but a solution nonetheless.

Last edited by Beachead; 27th December 2017 at 10:17 AM..
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Old 27th December 2017, 10:28 AM   #87
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The people who ask about your love life are not asking to hurt you or rub it in. They think it's a safe subject which will allow you to talk about something happy & positive in your life. I hated it too. I did learn to turn it around & ask that person if they knew anybody. I got a few dates out of it once I realized that the people asking liked me & wanted to see me happy.
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Old 27th December 2017, 10:41 AM   #88
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The people who ask about your love life are not asking to hurt you or rub it in. They think it's a safe subject which will allow you to talk about something happy & positive in your life. I hated it too. I did learn to turn it around & ask that person if they knew anybody. I got a few dates out of it once I realized that the people asking liked me & wanted to see me happy.
I can definitely vouch for that. It's not malicious or an intent to hurt you.

And that's actually a nice idea Donnivain. Making the most out of the situation. I should have done that the few times I was asked the question.
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Old 27th December 2017, 11:53 AM   #89
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I used to use humor and reply "No, im not dating anyone. Im still taking applications." Might be a way to diffuse the situation and a lead in to say... Do you know any nice guys I could meet?
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Old 27th December 2017, 4:03 PM   #90
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The dating life question can make you feel wildly uncomfortable and insecure, but trust me that almost no one is ever asking this with the intention of hurting you. It's simply one of those universal ice-breakers people use with others who they may know but don't see often.

You viewing this question as anything with malicious intent in your low self-esteem steering the ship again.
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