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Almost 2 years on and I still struggle...

Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 12th April 2016, 10:43 PM   #16
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Dealing with feelings of frustration with myself

Hey there, this board has been helping me through a very difficult time in my life. As in my previous thread I explained my situation and have been dealing with the aftermath of basically what I now believe was a commitment phobe or emotionally immature man child. I completed my self challenge of 40 days of no contact, I never messaged him on his birthday, even though it almost killed me, as all I could think about was the fact that we celebrated his birthday a year ago in Australia together. I am still in complete shock and so so hurt by what he did, and still continually ruminate about the whys, hows and stupid **** im sick of thinking about.

I guess I am just venting, but I still hope one day he reaches out in some capacity and apologizes for what he has done. He IS a good person deep down, otherwise I never would have spent almost 5 years of my life with him. I guess my question is, has anyone received an apology months or years later? Or is it something that we just accept and move on from? I want to forgive but don't know how...and all I want to do is have some kind of remorse on his end. Do people that do this every truly feel any regret, or do they just keep hopping from relationship to relationship and once your out of site, and they have left a path of devastation, you are out of mind? Just something that's been going through my head.

Anyways, thanks again for all the support through this, its nice to know that even complete strangers can take the time out of there day to help eachother.
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Old 13th April 2016, 12:57 AM   #17
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It's doubtful you'll ever receive one, and if you do, I can't imagine that you'll find it as soothing as you think it will be. I'm thinking by the time he figures it out, his emotional state will not allow him to feel deep remorse. He'll have already moved on completely, and the most he'll feel for what he's done is an acknowledgement of what he did, and a personal commitment to do better. That's the best you can expect, that at least one other person will benefit from his experience with you. I don't know what will happen, but I'm putting my money on that.

How can you condemn someone who is immature for making mistakes? It's like forever punishing a child. At some point, you have to accept they don't really know any better, or they don't yet have the capacity of adults to navigate a difficult situation.

As you say, better to accept your role in his life, let it go as nothing personal and keep on keepin' on.
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Old 13th April 2016, 1:04 AM   #18
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The goal is to get to a point where their apology doesn't matter.
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Old 13th April 2016, 1:08 AM   #19
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It's important to get through this without his apology. Accept the reality as it is. His regrets won't change a thing.
Keep your chin up and move on with your life without him.

I did get an apology months later, but it was 100% for his benefit and not mine. He was being eaten up by guilt and shame. What do his words mean to me at that point months later after I've spent a lot of tearful nights and have since been working on me? It doesn't change anything, it doesn't take back the hurtful things, it doesn't build back the trust, and without a commitment to working on a new relationship with them... It's just a breadcrumb to keep them in your life. It's nice to know they regret their actions and are missing you. But that's the consequence of their choices and they need to live with it.
Be okay on your own, you won't need his apology.
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Old 6th May 2016, 9:49 PM   #20
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Overwhelming Pain still...

Overwhelming pain
I wrote a post a while ago about my struggle. Basically outlining the story of what went down in my relationship. It's almost been 6.5 months since the breakup, and I thought I was getting better. But this last month it feels like I am right back to square one. I know that you can't put a timeline on healing at all but I feel like at this point I should be better.

I have had no contact with him for over 2 months, and I guess it hurts so much that he's totally OK with that. I understand he's trying to be fair to his new relationship, but kills me that he's being loyal to this person when he couldnt be loyal to someone he was with for five years. I hate playing the victim..and I know my short comings in the relationship.

I worked too much, played soccer, had school and we struggled with where we wanted to end up eventually. I am really struggling with him saying things to me at the end such as "if she wasn't in the picture I would have though about us more clearly and wanted to work on communication" or "I really regret not trying to fix things". Instead of even trying remotely.. He screwed over my parents and hurt me so badly...if he has these regrets why does he stay with someone that sounds like such a stage five clinger? What does she have that I didn't? What kind of women gets involved with someone who just bought a house with his gf and hasn't even broken up with her yet? Does that seem like a good foundation? Will he ever hurt like I do or does he just get to move on his merry way in this relationship, no repercussions for the hurt and never to think of me again?

I'm sorry I'm ranting, I have said all these things before, but the urge to contact him and try one more time to give us a shot is overwhelming and I don't want to break NC and look like a fool. I have slept with another guy, had some fun but have been totally aware that I'm not over my ex and not ready for a relationship.

I recognized things I have done wrong in the relationship, when I had doubts I didn't discuss them with him, just waited for them to pass.I may have neglected him at times, but they were all things that I was more then willing to fix if he had talked about things. But he didn' all.

I know I'm attractive, I could have done exactly what he did many times, but I am extremely loyal and I would never hurt someone like that, I loved him. And I know there are plenty of great guys out there. But why do I want him back so badly?? Is it my ego? Is it even love anymore or just my self esteem shattered by how be treated me at the end..and how he picked overlapping instead of working on things and talking about issues. I don't want to want him anymore God dammit! But it's still there!

I guess I wonder if he is super happy and moved on, and I'm this pathetic mess pining for someone that obviously is super immature and selfish. Thanks for reading this and everyone on here that is so supportive and understanding.
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Old 6th May 2016, 11:09 PM   #21
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It takes time to go through the grieving process. 5 years is a lot to get over. You will get there.
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Old 7th May 2016, 12:05 PM   #22
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It takes time to process everything you can't just forget and move on and then you have the pain that comes with it along with grieving of him the relationship and your future together.

I'm not sure what makes it better or ok.... All of know is I'm trying to take one day at a time and secretly hoping he will come back 😔.
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Old 7th May 2016, 12:54 PM   #23
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I just joined yesterday and I think it's a great forum to help get over the pain that we go through. Firstly because it shows that even though circumstances differ we are not alone and somehow by trying to support others we are also supporting ourselves.
That helps somehow.

I don't know if anything I say will help you at all, but I am sorry for your pain and struggle. I know myself, not to do with my ex but me with depression, sometimes you get through a long period of feeling good and you're proud of it. But one morning you might feel bad and the brain is sometimes a nasty creature and rather than say "hey, maybe I ate too late and this is just a physical response or low blood sugar levels" it says "remember all that pain? Well I'm back" then you can start thinking you never got anywhere and it all tumbles back. I don't know how to resolve that, but you got this far as a strong attractive woman, and that's the thing to focus on. There will be hiccups but it takes time.

I read your first post too, to get an idea. Have you thought if you would be able to trust him again if you did get back together after him doing this to you? Or would it be joy of getting him back mixed with constantly looking over your shoulder and wondering where he is? Would the endless pain of possibly not being able to trust him again be worth it?

You sound very strong. Keep at it
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Old 8th May 2016, 6:37 PM   #24
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I always wonder about these kind of situations...where the guy leaves the stunner girlfriend to be with plain Jane...(Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles comes to mind

Maybe he is not intimidated by her and she gives him the security and reassurance that HE needs (i.e. not as pretty as you and is clingy)...however, it does not mean that you need to go running back to him (his character is not worth it)...take it as a compliment that you can do better and take this time to find someone as an equal to you.

The 6 month mark (or 2 months NC) is the finality of things - that there is no point of return or going back - so, it's the break-up happening all over the deal....they have learnt to live without you and now you need to re-wire your brain to match their acceptance levels.

Please believe that you are going to see better days. For some reason - I believe it for you...hope you will experience it soon
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Old 9th May 2016, 5:28 PM   #25
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I guess the hardest part is getting over the hope that he will reach out to give me some satisfaction that he thinks about me still and feels bad about how much he hurt me. It kills me to think that hes moved on and could very well be super happy with someone else so soon after us breaking up.

Everyone has told me time and again that she had nothing to do with the breakup, she was waiting in the wings and at the end of the day, commitment scared the bejesus out of him and its easier to jump in with someone that's all over you then be alone and face your demons. I just hope that people are correct in saying that burying your emotions will eventually kick you in the ass and you will have to deal with them at some point.

I just want him to feel some sort of remorse and miss me, but I don't know if he will ever have the balls to apologize to me or my parents, because he must feel a lot of shame on how he went about things..I don't know how a person that did what he did couldn't. I was raised with integrity which he did not display, and I know its stupid to want him back, but maybe its my ego talking.
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Old 10th May 2016, 2:33 AM   #26
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I think the best medicine is to convince yourself that he does not think about you, doesn't miss you, doesn't regret basically, set yourself up for the worst.

I think it's worse that he does feel remorse or regret and still does nothing about it i.e. to win you back.

Also, it's awful when you convince yourself that he is thinking about you only to find out later that he never thought about you at all.

Prepare for the worse so when the storm comes through - you can handle it much better.
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Old 3rd June 2016, 8:00 PM   #27
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How to not fixate..

I have posted on here a few times now and have been overwhelmed with the positive advice and support this forum has given. I am battling daily with sticking to no contact and have really been struggling with ruminating thoughts about my ex and his current relationship. I would like to believe he still thinks of me and cares to an extent but his lack of contact speaks volumes. I am not going to lie, I do become envious of the people that receive breadcrumbs as I have received next to none, which makes me feel like I ment nothing to him and he has completely moved on.

I guess I wonder, do people that relationship hop/overlap ever feel anything or miss there ex partner? Or are they clouded with the new shiny toy? How do I stop myself from fixating and not reaching out? Its taking ALL of my willpower. How do people get through this? I am keeping busy, I play for two soccer teams, work full time, have roommates and go out....have been trying to meet new guys. But all I want is for him to reach out..its killing me. Do they ever truly actually process the breakup or do they move on without looking back in these situations? I feel like I am not remembered at all and that I was instantly replaced, whereas I had to deal with this huge loss and betrayal. I just don't want to care or hurt anymore about this guy, but I have such a hard time letting go of these constant thoughts.

Sorry for the vent session, just looking for some insight to changing thought patterns and if people that do what he did ever face any kind of reprecusions for there actions. I do not want to dwell anymore and I want to forgive and forget, but I still love the person I was with, not the person he became. How do you not fixate on there new relationship or your ex, any advice?
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Old 3rd June 2016, 8:23 PM   #28
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The key at this point of your healing might be to fully feel and express your anger.

You might not be angry enough.

The best way to deal with anger is to externalise it. Talk about it. Shout about it. Beat the heck out of a punchbag. Break things that remind you of him.

There's only one rule when it comes to working with anger:

Don't hurt yourself or anybody else.

Its OK, I know you won't do that.

Regarding thoughts, here's a clipping from my journals:

"If you had a broken finger, would you try to heal it by not thinking about it?

All you will achieve by trying not to think about this is the creation of terrific tension in your psyche.

Freud and Jung concluded that a lot of mental and emotional suffering is caused by conflict and resistance.

The thoughts come, but you try not to think about them = resistance = a feeling of failure.

Let the thoughts come and go, just like any other thoughts.

Let them come, let them go.

If you don't, they will slam in hard at inconvenient times.

Gradually the thoughts are drained of energy, and become something of little significance.

You get what you resist.

What you resist persists."

Take care.

"We fly to get high."
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Old 4th June 2016, 3:18 AM   #29
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Originally Posted by Satu View Post
What you resist persists.
So true.

Or, how about this.

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It's a habit.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.

(Either that. Or, in the words of Prince, "punch a higher floor".)
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Old 4th June 2016, 5:58 AM   #30
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Your final lines made sense as it's so true that we fixate on the person they were, rather than who they become. We put loved ones on pedestals and when they change, leave us, cheat on us, walk away, it's so hard to take them off that pedestal... despite who they've become. We dream about that person we first met, we remember all the good times, often ignoring the bad. We create a fantasy in our minds (and hearts) that has us happily together or even them coming running back, on their knees, begging for us to take them back. We start to live in that fantasy, live in hope, which in turn just makes that pedestal seem larger and further away. It's only through time and plenty of no contact that we start to let go, start to accept the reality that this person, who may have been perfect when we first met and was with them, is no longer the same. I always remember a line that I said after I was healed - "I don't miss her, I miss the person I thought she was". Stay strong and vent all you want. It does get better.
I never knew how much it could hurt to lose something I never really had...
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