AnyaNova Posted September 22, 2013 Share Posted September 22, 2013 And tell him that I don't think it is for the best for either of us. That right now, I don't care how we define our relationship our what we do. That I'm sorry about the stuff I posted on facebook, that I shouldn't have, that I was hurting, and I hope he can forgive me. That maybe we could be closer friends when we're not seeing other people and more distant friends when we are. But that we are better off with each other in each others' lives and we both need someone who can lighten us up and make us smile. I know I will probably regret it if I do, he won't answer, or who knows. But I really am missing him right now. Help me please. Link to post Share on other sites
JoelBarish Posted September 22, 2013 Share Posted September 22, 2013 So you are ok being just his friend and watching him date others eventually? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnyaNova Posted September 22, 2013 Author Share Posted September 22, 2013 I think maybe more distant friends in that case. Like friends on facebook and maybe email a little bit or something, so that we didn't have to be around each others' new people. I don't know. I just miss him. This would have been so much easier if I had just left it and gone NC right after the breakup. Cold and indifferent ex, would have been so much easier to get over than ex who showed all kinds of need for me and who insisted that we should not see each other again ever, while displaying tons of emotional pain over the idea. Link to post Share on other sites
JoelBarish Posted September 22, 2013 Share Posted September 22, 2013 I think maybe more distant friends in that case. Like friends on facebook and maybe email a little bit or something, so that we didn't have to be around each others' new people. I don't know. I just miss him. This would have been so much easier if I had just left it and gone NC right after the breakup. Cold and indifferent ex, would have been so much easier to get over than ex who showed all kinds of need for me and who insisted that we should not see each other again ever, while displaying tons of emotional pain over the idea. You know that you would not settle for being distant friends and you would want more from him. Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted September 22, 2013 Share Posted September 22, 2013 (edited) I'm sorry you're hurting, OP. However, contacting him will most likely increase rather than alleviate this pain. You miss him not as a friend but as a romantic partner; plus, he is the source of your pain and thus cannot console you. But don't take my word for it; browse the breaking up section for countless examples of people who broke NC and bitterly regretted it. Ditto for those who tried to be friends right after the breakup. It rarely works because one party inevitably wants more and often experiences a prolonged limbo of false hope and further heartbreak. It will get better. But you have to put yourself and your own healing first. The relationship, I'm sorry, is over. The first step, even if you can't fully accept it yet, is to act as if that's true. Sending good thoughts, M. Edited September 22, 2013 by Minneloa 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnyaNova Posted September 23, 2013 Author Share Posted September 23, 2013 I don't know right now. You are probably right. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnyaNova Posted September 23, 2013 Author Share Posted September 23, 2013 I know it is true. I know. It is just so hard when so many indicators are that he chose that despite his own feelings. I am trying. Why didn't I just go NC completely from the breakup instead of seeing him again? I would be way over him by now. Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 I know it is true. I know. It is just so hard when so many indicators are that he chose that despite his own feelings. I am trying. Why didn't I just go NC completely from the breakup instead of seeing him again? I would be way over him by now. Try not to beat yourself up. We are human, and breakups hurt like hell. Staying in contact seemed like the better option at the time. Now, you are seeing it differently. As for his decision, try not to second guess or analyze it. This is very difficult, but crucial. Bottom line is, I'm sorry, he chose to leave. It doesn't really matter why at this point. Focus on the action, not the motives that might have been behind it. Lastly, for a current example of the perils of breaking NC: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/426532-don-t-want-break- M. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 P.S. What can you do right now to take care of yourself and break this train of thought? Bubble bath, call a friend, watch a movie, go for a walk, eat something yummy, hug your pet? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
petall Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 As much as you feel awful now, just imagine how much more pain you will feel if through contacting him, he rejects you and deals you a fresh blow again, whether through not responding to your call/email or saying things you don't want to hear. Can you handle that possibility? I certainly can't. That is what keeps me from ever contacting him. Even looking at his name now still makes me crumple up inside. Emotions too raw to take any risky moves. Don't put yourself at risk or you're back to square 1. If he wants to contact you, he can and will. Link to post Share on other sites
JoelBarish Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 Lastly, for a current example of the perils of breaking NC: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/426532-don-t-want-break- M. Yep. I also told that guy not to try contacting his ex. Now he is all tore up inside. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnyaNova Posted September 23, 2013 Author Share Posted September 23, 2013 You are right. The storm seems to have passed. I have a hot cup of tea, a kitty somewhere in my apartment that I will soon go cuddle with, and dinner coming soon. Part of the problem is that I am stuck home sick (starting to get better though, finally!), have been since Monday night, and have to be on medicines that I know for a fact make me depressed, but I have to take them for my breathing). So all in all, not a great recipe for being able to do the things that usually help me with this sort of thing. But, after dinner. There will be a bubble bath. And an early bed time before class tomorrow. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 Good work, sister! This is a great place to come vent & get talked off the ledge. Many of us have been there! M. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnyaNova Posted September 23, 2013 Author Share Posted September 23, 2013 Thanks all of you. It was really close there for a minute. A friend of mine who knows all the details pointed out to me that though he thinks my ex made a mistake in choosing what he chose, he has to realize it, himself. If he doesn't realize it and contact me, even if we would start something again (friendship or otherwise) via me contacting him, the same dynamics would play out, and he would be convinced or manipulated or whatever of the same decision, and I would just get hurt again. It is up to him to contact me, except I know him well enough to know that he probably won't. Link to post Share on other sites
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