Mid-Life Crisis??

[GiddyUp]

Greetings all- Like most, I have long been trolling this forum and have now come seeking your wisdom, guidance and support.

 

For a brief background, married 9 years together 14. We separated for 3 months back in 09 because she was unhappy in our relationship. We had a hard time communicating and I had "let myself go". We reconciled ourselves without any assistance from a MC; however, we did both separately attend IC. We reconciled after the 3 months and she moved back in. Fast forward to now and it appears we are heading right back down the same path. Our communication is better; however, she still has a hard time telling me "tough" things. She says that she doesn't want to hurt my feelings, so she bottles it up and puts on a brave face. About 3 weeks ago, we had a blow out conversation where divorce was discussed. She basically said that she is unhappy with life and has no passion for anything (including me). She has let her career slide (self-employeed) and our only child (my step-daughter) is getting ready to head off to college in 18 months. Basically, it seems that she doesn't have anything to motivate her to get up in the morning. Thankfully, she spoke to a good friend of hers in which she was told to get off her @$$ and do something. So she is now fighting for her happiness "at all costs".

 

I told her that I am here to support her. I am a firm believer in the good times AND THE BAD. Anyone can stick around when things are rosy and easy. Maybe I am being naive. Maybe I am letting her take advantage of me. But I can't just walk out on her because times got tough again.

 

Meanwhile, I have started to address those things that I can. Getting back into shape (lost 5 lbs already) and taking care of some other general health concerns. I guess what I am hoping to get from this is help in ways to cope (as she has focused more on herself and pulled away from me). Any insight on what she may be going through (it's hard for me to relate because i love my job and am generally a happy person). Anyone with similar experiences? Is this a mid-life crisis?

 

Thoughts, feelings, insights? Any and all would be seriously appreciated.

[betterdeal]

It's possible your wife is depressed. What causes depression can be complex. It can be situational, dietary, or genetic (and is often a combination of these). I wonder if your daughter's imminent departure is related or a contributing factor? That would be something for a safe person to help your wife determine. Maybe read up about depression as a starting point:

 

http://www.mind.org.uk/help/diagnoses_and_conditions/depression

[GiddyUp]

It's possible your wife is depressed. What causes depression can be complex. It can be situational, dietary, or genetic (and is often a combination of these). I wonder if your daughter's imminent departure is related or a contributing factor? That would be something for a safe person to help your wife determine. Maybe read up about depression as a starting point:

 

http://www.mind.org.uk/help/diagnoses_and_conditions/depression

 

My wife has had her battles with depression. I have to believe that this is also an underlying factor. She saw someone in the past, but I don't know if it did any good. i think my wife wasn't completely honest with the IC. She is on meds and those seemed to help.

 

Today is our first day of MC and I am pretty nervous/excited. I am hoping to finally get some unfiltered answers/feelings from her. I know it won't all come out in the beginning, but at least this process has started.

 

One of the big things I am hoping to get out of MC is a better understanding of long-term love. I believe that the butterfly feeling can't and shouldn't last forever. It should be replaced with something deeper. Maybe this is an un-romantic view of love, but i don't think so. Also, based on things my wife has said to me, I think she believes love should ALWAYS be the butterflies and if she doesn't feel them then she isn't in love.

 

Who knows... I am just ready to move forward. I am tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop with her. Hoping that she will finally and completely open up to me and stop filtering her feelings so she won't hurt mine. Hoping that she can let her past go and forgive her father for basically abandoning them... I guess I am just hoping right now.

[betterdeal]

You, sir, sound like a proper gentleman. I hope the MC helps you relate with each other in constructive and positive ways.

 

Having had severe depression myself, I believe the situational aspect is hugely important. Depression is a natural state. When our ancestors faced periods of little, such as at the end of winter when there was no food around, it makes sense to enter into a depressed state. When we believe we cannot change things, and things are rubbish, we go into that state, waiting for spring to turn up.

 

In your wife's case, I would not be surprised if her depression is because she feels stuck by things which more balanced people would just "deal with". Her inability to assert her feelings to you is undoubtedly a sign of that kind of stuck thinking.

 

I agree with you that after the dopamine, adrenaline and other hormones and neuro-transmitters that we pour into ourselves during initial pairing (aka the "honeymoon", or "first flushes") we have to return to a more normal, balanced mental and emotional state. For people like yourself, your normal state is pretty enjoyable. For your wife, maybe not so enjoyable, so the difference for her is greater. It's a difference between ecstatic and terrible, whereas for you may it may be the difference between ecstatic and okay, if you see what I mean? Hence she craves falling in love whilst you're ready for the affectionate, kind, softer yet deeper bond that time, shared experience and growing as people together brings. Yours love is a narrative. Hers is a lifeline.

 

See how the the MC goes. Maybe consider reading some of the material on assertiveness training and suggesting she does too. Being able to express her feelings is a starting point. If she knows how to express her feelings, then her tying them to an overbearing fear of abandonment is indeed a major hurdle, but one you two can overcome.

 

When she appears down, quiet, sullen, what do you do? Does a gentle enquiry such as "what's wrong?" said kindly and with genuine desire to unpickle the problem work?

[GiddyUp]

You, sir, sound like a proper gentleman.

Thank you very much. Maybe I'm old-school, but I love being called a gentleman. I wanted to response to each of your points, so I'll give my latest update in a separate post.

 

Having had severe depression myself, I believe the situational aspect is hugely important.

I'm sorry to hear about your bout with depression. I hope that you are past that now, or at least have found ways to successfully battle it. If I may be so bold, what have you found successful in dealing with depression?

 

In your wife's case, I would not be surprised if her depression is because she feels stuck by things which more balanced people would just "deal with". Her inability to assert her feelings to you is undoubtedly a sign of that kind of stuck thinking.

I completely agree. My wife has always had issues "dealing" with things. Her coping skills aren't that well developed. She gets easily overwhelmed and will shut down. She simply gives up or (even worse) won't start.

 

I agree with you that after the dopamine, adrenaline and other hormones and neuro-transmitters that we pour into ourselves during initial pairing (aka the "honeymoon", or "first flushes") we have to return to a more normal, balanced mental and emotional state.

I have read alot about this and it always seemed such a cold, scientific way to look at life and love, but it made sense to me. Could you imagine what our world would be like if we ALL got stuck in that "Honeymoon" phase? Good lord it would be great, but NOTHING would ever get done... and there would probably be an additional BILLION babies walking around. .

 

As an additional point, I believe love is like life. We grow through life. So our love must grow as well. I think this may be another issue she is dealing with or doesn't know how to handle. She came from a dysfunctional family. Her dad would leave for days, weeks, even months at a time. He would eventually show back up and be taken right in. Mom had NO backbone. He cheated on her throughout their 30 years of marriage. It wasn't until Mom made my wife go see if he was at OW house to finally get the nerve to leave. How f-ed is THAT?!? Making the daughter see if her Dad is cheating on her mom!!!! I could go on and on about the screwed up things they did to her, but suffice it to say that they were many and impressively CRAZY.

 

 

See how the the MC goes. Maybe consider reading some of the material on assertiveness training and suggesting she does too. Being able to express her feelings is a starting point. If she knows how to express her feelings, then her tying them to an overbearing fear of abandonment is indeed a major hurdle, but one you two can overcome.

I think the only way we were going to survive was with some help. The assertiveness thing is kinda tricky with her. She responds to it, but I have to be somewhat delicate or she'll shut down. I know it seems counter intuitive, but that's just how it is. Regardless, it is something that I need to work. Basically, I feel like I walk on eggshells around her sometimes. I need to identify and work on other techniques for delivery. Not only will this hopefully help my relationship with her, I believe it will help in other aspects of my life too.

 

When she appears down, quiet, sullen, what do you do? Does a gentle enquiry such as "what's wrong?" said kindly and with genuine desire to unpickle the problem work?

I have and continue to try. I try to be as caring as possible in my delivery and most of the times she responds well.

 

Finally, thank you for sharing your insight. It is much appreciated.

[GiddyUp]

UPDATE-

 

We had our first MC session last night. It was pretty good I guess. I didn't expect much from our first session. Lots of "fact finding". The most important thing though was that we both like the MC. Right now we are scheduled for once a week through the remainder of the year (I LOVE my insurance!!!).

 

Nothing really new was brought to light. Basically, she needs to be happy, learn how to live a happy life, and stop beating herself up when things go wrong. She says she is committed to it, but she's only been working at it for the past 4 weeks. We'll see. This is key for me. I cannot live my life with an unhappy person.

 

She did mentioned that she needs me to back away a bit. I'm not entirely sure what this means, but my initial thoughts are that she needs time to work on herself without me pressuring her about "us". This is fine ... FOR NOW. I am not going to sit and wait around forever. There has to be some focus on us eventually. I have to wonder at what point does she determine she is happy? how will she know that it's OK to start focusing on us? This is part of the reason I put MC on the table. It gives me an avenue to discuss progress both in her happiness and in us as well. Meanwhile, I am working on the things I can control.

 

I am trying to remain positive throughout this whole ordeal. But there are times when I just don't know. I question where this all came from. Why a lot of her actions don't match up with her words. They say actions speak louder then words. She just seems all over the place.

 

Anyway, each day is a new one. Each day I move closer to each goal I have set for myself.

[betterdeal]

It's all baby steps, and your MC session sounds positively encouraging.

 

Regards my depression, I tried lots of things, but the ones that stood out were: hypnotherapy, anti-depressants, massage, wet shaves at the barbers, yoga, CBT, assertiveness training, hot baths, aromatherapy, good soothing music, cycling, sleeping tablets and improved bedding (new pillows, made sure room was right temperature), ending problematic relationships, reading about emotional abuse, the inner child concept, counselling, and good friends and family supporting me. I think the process of trying out new things and basically asking for help helped a lot. I had a Thai yoga massage yesterday and that was fantastic - I'm a firm believer in pampering yourself, whether you're depressed or not.

 

I can understand where your wife is and have also been involved with someone who was depressed so I know how annoying it can be. Do you do anything just "fun" together? Like go for a drive to the country or prepare a nice dinner at home for her occasionally? Sometimes we forget to have fun, levity, affection and get caught up in the seriousness of it all.

 

I do think the assertiveness thing will help her a lot and, as you say, it's applicable in so many areas of life from dealing with the phone company, tail gaters on the road to dealing with spouses.

 

If you're going to climb a mountain, you start in the foothills and one step at a time. Keep your eye on the ground in front of you, but look up and see the summit from time to time.

[betterdeal]

Oh, and I forgot to add that yes, the scientific view of love does come across as cold and disconnected, and it's also (mistakenly in my view) led to the assumption that the solution is to find the right chemicals to rebalance the mind. Whilst getting the chemistry right is important, and drug treatment a valid part of the solution, changing someone's beliefs and perceptions helps to maintain the brain chemistry in a good balance.

 

If we believe soap is a dangerous substance put on Earth by the Devil, we avoid it and don't wash our hands. That unnecessary fear increases stress which manifests itself in changed chemistry in the body. It's all inter-related.

[GiddyUp]

Yes, the MC does seem encouraging. I am cautiously optimistic.

 

Yes, we do fun things together. Which is part of my confusion. Prior to her "realization" we had been having a great time together. We had been going out, meeting new people and just generally having what I thought was a good 'ol time. This is part of the action vs. words issue. We would be out and she would have a few drinks and she would become a lot more affectionate towards me. She would tell anyone who would listen what a great man, husband and friend I am. Basically, the drinks would loosen her up, make her relax and just have some fun.

 

However, there seems to be an ugly flip side to that coin. Once she starts to drink in social situations, she cannot stop. 9 out of 10 times she'll get faced. I am obviously concerned by this. Binge drinking is NO BUENO. More importantly, she has alcoholism in her family. Not directly (uncle and aunt), but it's there... well now that I think about it... her mom may be borderline.

 

Along this point, she had told me that she is afraid that she may be. She had spoken to a friend that is and her story was eerily similar. For now, i am leaving this somewhat alone. But you can bet your bottom dollar it WILL be brought up in our MC sessions. Sooner rather then later too!

[betterdeal]

That's interesting. Some call it self-medication. I was a binge drinker and had bouts of extensive drug use in my 20s. Ecstasy was my drug of choice.

 

I had issues with expressing emotion and with sex. I discussed this with a therapist and explained that when I used E I felt free of fear of sex and able to express my feelings easily. The curious thing she asked was, what was stopping me from being like that without the drugs? So, rather than seeing the me on drugs as a false self ("off his head", "wasted") she was suggesting it was me, the real self, just being different from my sober self.

 

Seeing that different state of mind in such a neutral way (not pro or anti drug use) helped me a lot. I knew I was capable of being emotionally open etcetera and that I enjoyed it. Perhaps your wife can gain the same insight with regard to how free, confident, open she feels on alcohol.

 

She is capable of it, and probably enjoys being in that state. That she binges suggests she kind of latches on to anything that makes her feel good and does it beyond the point where the benefit outweighs the cost. A couple of beers is fine. A gallon, not so good.

 

But I imagine she would feel as good as I did realising she can be the free-from-worry person she is without booze. Just needs to unpick her particular kinks and change her thinking. For me, it was finding the right therapist and hypnotherapy that worked for me. EMDR therapy is also worth considering (works in a similar way to hypnosis).

[GiddyUp]

So, rather than seeing the me on drugs as a false self ("off his head", "wasted") she was suggesting it was me, the real self, just being different from my sober self.

 

Not to probe, but I'm not sure I follow. Would you mind explaining a little further.

 

She is capable of it, and probably enjoys being in that state. That she binges suggests she kind of latches on to anything that makes her feel good and does it beyond the point where the benefit outweighs the cost. A couple of beers is fine. A gallon, not so good.

This seems to make sense and some of the things she has mentioned in passing allude to the same conclusion. I can understand that if you aren't happy and something makes you happy, then you cling to it. I guess maybe this is part of the reason people cheat. They aren't happy in their current situation (for whatever reason) and they find something that makes them happy and POOF > INFIDELITY.

 

Just needs to unpick her particular kinks and change her thinking.

Again, this seems right on track with what she is saying. She needs to get right with herself and stop worrying about EVERYTHING. Sadly, she used to make up stuff to worry about. It was crazy.

 

I know I have spent the majority of this thread talking about her and a lot of people may look at that and scream that I should be taking are of myself. Please know that I am. I am trying not to let her problems consume me and attempt to solve them for her. But at the same rate, trying to understand what she is going through helps ME.

 

I know if we split I will be OK. I have given everything I can and based on this latest effort I will be comfortable saying that I tried everything I can think of. It will hurt, but I have already put things in place to get me through it just in case. Also, like i said before, i am still doing the things I enjoy and getting myself in order.

 

Thanks again for your insight. It has been truly helpful.

[betterdeal]

Sure, probe away!

 

There's a school of thought that people aren't really themselves when they are intoxicated. Anti-drugs people (I include alcohol as a drug) commonly take this line. I also believed it in a way. I believed I didn't have a personality when sober (weird huh?). Let me explain that: when sober I was second guessing myself and trying to figure out what was the right response to just about everything. I was also miserable when sober. I felt it was artificial that I could only be my "real" self (spontaneous, happy, fun) with the aid of psycho-active substances.

 

To me, inside almost every depressed, withdrawn, overly extroverted or angry person is someone who's pretty normal, likes to be happy, relax, laugh, trust, enjoy life. In all those bad states, it's like we're putting up a front to protect themselves from real or perceived threats.

 

Imagine someone is mugging you. They have a knife to your throat and demand your wallet. You might project an air of calm compliance. Inside you might be thinking "f*ck, don't kill me!" or "f*ck, I so wanna smash your balls between two bricks!" but outside you'd be putting up the best front you deem possible to ensure your survival. Now imagine sustaining that false projection for a long time. It's tiring but it becomes ingrained.

 

Alcohol can trigger you lowering your inhibitions, your defences, your walls and armour if you will. In the case of the mugger, you might actually fight back and end up in hospital. Depends on what your character is like.

 

In the case of your wife, when she lets down that front, stops second guessing herself and thinking over everything before she says it, all goes well. Really well. After two glasses of wine, she's wonderful and everyone around her is too. Am I right?

 

That sense of freedom, surety and care-freeness without being careless that she feels in those moments, that's how she can be when sober. I feared being like that when sober because of various things, mainly to do with poor perceptions and lacking the ability to say "no" to things I didn't want without feeling guilty about it. I was so vested in pleasing other people I was miserable, and they didn't want that at all, just as you don't want that for your wife.

 

I'd also, mostly when intoxicated, be very open to suggestion. It was like I vested all responsibility for my wellbeing in whoever it was I decided to trust. Normally, these were women, and looking back, I can see that maybe that was treating them a bit like a mother-figure.

 

Anyway, I digress. The point being that even if attaining that free state of mind requires alcohol currently, the good news is that she *can* attain that higher state and that means she is not hardwired to never be that way. It's possible for her to be happier, spontaneous and carefree - you have empirical evidence of such.

 

Undoing some of her current misperceptions will help with that and so will positivity which, it turns out, is learned not inherited. I think childhood experience can pave the way for a domino effect of bad (or good) events. As you know, it never rains, it pours. One bad experience makes you more likely to experience another and so on. You get splashed by a car (bad number 1) on the way to a sales pitch which you don't get (bad number 2) so you don't get paid (bad number 3) so miss a mortgage payment (bad number 4) etcetera.

 

That said, I don't think you need to revisit the car splashing incident to see that what you need to do now is get another lead and go make a new sales pitch to them. The same, I think, applies to childhood experiences. They may explain how you got here, but learned positivity will help her change the course of her future.

 

Oops. I went off on one there! Does that make more sense to you?

[GiddyUp]

In the case of your wife, when she lets down that front, stops second guessing herself and thinking over everything before she says it, all goes well. Really well. After two glasses of wine, she's wonderful and everyone around her is too. Am I right?

 

That sense of freedom, surety and care-freeness without being careless that she feels in those moments, that's how she can be when sober. I feared being like that when sober because of various things, mainly to do with poor perceptions and lacking the ability to say "no" to things I didn't want without feeling guilty about it. I was so vested in pleasing other people I was miserable, and they didn't want that at all, just as you don't want that for your wife.

 

HOLY CRAP! You may as well be my wife (minus the chromosome difference).

 

A couple drinks and she loosens up. She's spirited (no pun intended). Fun. Vibrant. Basically a joy to be around. When she's sober she has the EXACT same problems. She can't say no to people, feels guilty about EVERYTHING, spends ALL of her energy on pleasing other people. Her mantra now is that she has to please herself. She has completely cut communication with one of her siblings because they were a major source of stress, heartache and is a master manipulator.

 

I see signs that she is committed, but obviously my concern is that at the end of this I will have waited and supported her for nothing. I know I am not going to give up on her until I see on other choice, but it's just HARD to step back especially when I got the ILYBNILWY speech followed by the space request. I guess I'm just scared. Scared that she is using me to get her crap together before she leaves. I'm scared she is still faking her happiness. "Fake it til you Make it" Maybe? All the stuff I read talks about infidelity and someone on the side. I try not to read all this crap, but I am too analytical. I have to understand what I am dealing with or it will eat away at me. I can't and won't just ignore it. It's not in my nature.

 

I may have said this before, but when is she going to be "happy enough" or comfortable in her new happiness to begin to repair our relationship? I am trying extremely hard not to pressure her. I know she has alot of work to do. But sometimes i want to scream WTF!!!! I know I will never do that, but that doesn't change how I feel right now. Grrrrrrrrrrr

[betterdeal]

If I knew the answers to those questions, the world would be a lot happier place. I highly recommend that she reads

 

When I Say No, I Feel Guilty: How to Cope, Using the Skills of Systematic Assertive Therapy by Manuel J Smith.

 

It's ancient, but it is the origin of assertiveness training. You may get annoyed at times if she does read it because she'll pick up a skill and overuse it, on you. But that's temporary. It just takes some time for it to all fit into place, and for her to get used to it. In fact, read it yourself as well.

 

I also learnt a lot from these books:

 

Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self

 

and

 

The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing

 

Naturally, none of these are absolute truth and one must apply critical reasoning, but each gave me food for thought and helped me enormously to develop a better sense of self and to enjoy the world and my life more.

 

As for your frustration, I know where you're coming from. The problem is, when someone asks for space and you (understandably) feel anxious for that to be over and the space to be filled again, that anxiety / frustration kind of fills the space, negating the point of it. So ......... all I can suggest is you step back a bit, take a slightly more philosophical view on the situation, and use your time doing things you enjoy. Hobbies, sports, reading, fixing the car, shooting the breeze with the neighbour, walking, whatever you fancy. If you've always fancied playing guitar, why not pick one up now and learn?

 

Ultimately, if there's no significant improvement in your relationship over a reasonable period of time, you have to think of alternatives, but you've only just started MC and you did think that was promising. Just now you probably need things to fill your time; things you enjoy. You can grow through this together.

[GiddyUp]

I do understand your point regarding space, and I do understand the "point" of the space. I am aware of my anxiety; however, I am doing whatever I can to keep that from her. Letting my anxiety and uncertainty of our situation creep to the surface will only push her away. I am honest with her, but I will not show her how much this is killing me right now. Nothing good will come of that. She'll either say that she can't work on herself while worrying about me, or she see my weakness and question why she is even there. Even worse, she may stop trying and fall back into her previous habits and rut.

 

So in the meantime, I am sucking it up. I am trying to be there for her without being in her way. I do not ask about how her progress is going, or ANYTHING about our relationship. However, I do respond with positive comments and my thoughts on things when SHE brings them up. I do not offer any advice. Just support and positivity when appropriate. She has to do this on HER OWN.

 

As for MC, I know we just started and you are right I do have positive feelings about it. I figure we weren't working the way we were doing things, so something had to change. I guess ultimately I was just venting. Asking a rhetorical question out into the great beyond.

 

Thank you again from the bottom of my heart. You have been a guiding light in this terrible storm.

[betterdeal]

It's one of the difficult times in life, my friend, and it's through difficulty that we learn and grow most often. I will say that friends, family and community can be the best support structures in such times. Reach out to buddies, colleagues, family, let people know you're having a tough time. It'll be good for you. You don't have to go into detail, just the act of sharing and letting others know you're in a sticky spot often leads to them giving you support, space and camaraderie.

[GiddyUp]

Thankfully, I am not the type of person who gets embarrassed sharing pieces of their life. I have spoken to a few close friends and my family knows of course. They are all very supportive of me and will back me either way this turns out. I have also thought about going to some community support groups, but haven't found one near me that seems appealing.

 

Ironically, I was talking to a friend of mine about my situation, and he decided after our talk that it was probably a good idea to get the lay of the land in his relationship. So he asked... unfortunately, he didn't get response he was expecting. From what I gather, his wife unloaded on him!!! Part of me feels bad, but at the same time, he would still have no clue if we hadn't talked.

 

Anyway, he called me this morning a total and complete mess. What I found most interesting (and the reason I mentioned this) is that I was forced into telling him things that basically applied to me. He has to give her space and let her make her own decisions. He cannot control her actions or emotions, so don't bother worrying about it. He needs to focus on working on himself. He can't be happy in a relationship if he isn't happy in his own skin.

 

As i was talking him down, I could help but feel a little bit better about my situation. I'm not comparing situations, more so that hearing myself give advice to a friend seemed to help clarify MY situation in my own head. What I can control and what I cannot. I have always known this, but it never really clicked. I am certainly not saying that I won't be a wreck from time to time, but at least I believe I have a better understanding.

[betterdeal]

It gives you perspective when you hear similar things going on in someone else's life doesn't it? For some reasons I'm thinking about squash and racquetball ... do those appeal to you? Maybe you and your pal play a few games, use it as a bonding thing. I dunno.

 

Exercise releases lots of neurotransmitters that make you feel good. And the one-to-one nature of racquet sports makes it a good thing for buddying up with.

[GiddyUp]

Perspective is a wonderful thing. 1) it tells me I am not alone in this. 2) it helps me realize that I don't HAVE to be with her. I would PREFER it, but it is not a necessity.

 

As for your suggestions, I work out 5 times a week plus play soccer on Sundays, so activity is taken care of . My gym does have racketball, but I have never played... maybe i'll give it a go.

 

However, my next turn of the crank is to meet new people. This part is the hard one. Not super interested in bars. I'll go for happy hour after work from time to time, but not regularly. When i do go, i have fun, but I would like to find something a bit different. I have been checking out meetup.com to see what's up in my area. Nothing jumps out yet, but I'm still looking.

 

Hope everyone had a good weekend.

[betterdeal]

Yeah, that's always a perplexing one. I'm thinking of training up for St John's Ambulance. Basically like the Red Cross, they provide first aid as events. I figure it'd be interesting and enjoyable in itself, plus there's teamwork and therefore socialising that way.

[GiddyUp]

I ended up joining a book club today. This is TOTALLY outside my "norm", but that's kinda why I did it. Unfortunately, i only have about a week to read the assigned book, but I think I can handle that. I got lots of time on my hands now Anyway, we'll see how it goes. This should be really interesting.

[betterdeal]

Cool beans! What's the book?

[GiddyUp]

Yesterday was a bad day. Manic. I'm not sure what set it off. Maybe it was the fact that she said she would be home early in the evening and didn't stroll in until around 3am!

 

I am so f-ng angry and I'm not even sure why. I've never been the jealous type. Never cared who she went out with or who she talked to. But now I can't help but wonder. I wonder if she is playing me; if i'm being used. Is she getting to have her cake and eat it too? There are two things I value in any relationship... honesty and loyalty. Right now I am questioning both and I HATE IT.

 

I started thinking last night if this is even worth it anymore. Why should I put up with this? She told in the fit of her meltdown that she wasn't "in love with me" and wasn't attracted to me. So then WHY is she still here? If our home is so unbearable and I'm not a worthy spouse then WTF are you waiting for? I'm haven't, nor will I, beg for her to stay. I love myself WAY to much to stoop to that level of emotional blackmail.

 

I have no plans to let her know how I feel about this. I am going to continue to play it cool. Watch, prepare and see. I am going to put in a call to a lawyer today to see what I need to do to prepare. I have done some reading online and I have already done most of what they recommend. I got my own checking account and linked it to my paycheck so I can shift where all my money goes with a click of a button. Credit card in my name only. I am the only one with access to all our financial records. So I should be set there.

 

I know I am venting alot right now, but I need it. I have to get this off my chest. Gotta get this bad mojo out!

[betterdeal]

Sounds like a helluver a day. I feel for you, man. I know fully that decision to not confront. We all want peace and love at the end of the day. However, I think it would do you well to set yourself a timeline and do confront the issue in the next week or so. Otherwise it will fester. You need to set a cut off point, for your own mental health. She has told you she doesn't love you, so why are you not responding?

[GiddyUp]

I planned on using MC as a place to bring this up. that way it can be controlled (moderated) and part of our normal session. I don't want to appear needy or weak. I CANNOT do that.

 

I have set a cut off date in general. It is the end of the year. That will have given her basically 3 months to get her crap together and get moving in the right direction both for herself and for "us".

 

She told me she doesn't know if she is "in love with me". She does say she still "loves" me. I'm not sure what you mean by "not responding". Can you clarify a bit?