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Blindside Dumped AGAIN


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 17th March 2019, 9:54 AM   #1
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Blindside Dumped AGAIN

Can't believe I'm here again...

Here's my first post about my first break up with this girl for the detailed version: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/bre...ed-out-nowhere

It’s a very long story so I will do my best to keep this short.

Met A Oct 2016 and immediately felt something I never have and I’ve dated and been with a lot of women. She’s a modern dancer and Pilates instructor. I work in finance on a trading desk. A happens to be my best friends girlfriends sister. I live with my best friend and A lives with her sister. Yes it’s a complicated dynamic.

She had a bf at the time, a month after they broke up A and I slept together for the first time. My roommate didn’t want it to continue and her sister told A she couldn’t date me. Every time we saw each other there was intense chemistry. 5 months later she’s “hooking up” w/ some kid and we end up sleeping together and both admit there’s something between us and want to date. Roommate and gf break up that week and we agree that we can’t see each other. A month later they’re back together so A and I start talking again, see each other, make plans to hang out. Apparently she’s been seeing somebody from out of town for a month or so, she cancels plans on me. About 2 weeks later she dumps him and hits me up, we start dating. We date for 3 months, very intensely. No official talks or anything but going on dates and sleeping at each other’s places 3-4 times a week. I’m under the impression she is crazy in love with me and we’re about to get serious. She goes away on a family trip, everything seems great, she comes back, we hang out a few times and less than a week later she blindside dumps me saying she’s not ready for a serious relationship and we’re in different places in life and she’s not ready to fall in love (she’s 23 turning 24 at the time I’m 27). I’m destroyed by the break up.

After this the following events take place: We sleep together 2 months later 2 weekends in a row, she flakes on 2 things with me, I find out she’s hooking up with one of my good friends roommates, she brings some kid she apparently hooked up with on that fam trip (we weren’t exclusive at the time though I thought we were about to be) to a friends party where I am (she winds up calling me the next day apologizing), she starts coming around more and we become “friendly” again and this brings us to this past July.

She’s leaving for a 3 week trip, we sleep together the night before she leaves. I think it’s just a one time thing and plan to use the 3 weeks to try and really get over her bc to that point I had not moved on. To my surprise while she’s in Italy she begins texting me and we start talking. She gets back and we start hooking up again pretty much every week for the next 2 months. During this time she’s telling my best friend she’s not ready for a relationship but likes me likes hanging out with me etc. after 2 months of this everything changes and she says she wants to be with me. “You’re special to me, being away from you made me realize I want to be with you, I’ve been an idiot, I’m done being scared, you make me happy, you’re the only one I want and will be exclusive to you and give you my whole heart and when you’re ready you can give me yours (I told her I want to give it a shot also but she’d have to prove herself and get my trust back after everything that had happened)” are things she said.

We started dating again. Again very intensely off the bat. Quickly she introduces me to her whole family. Talks of future plans like trips and owning a dog together. Everything seems like a fairytale once again. She tells me she loves me first. Eventually I tell her I love her too a few weeks later. We have a few small fights (one medium size one) this time due to some of my trust issues with her so it’s not all perfect but I was working on it and she was doing her best to help as well. I’m under the impression everything is great though, we love each other and that’s only growing stronger, we have a whole future coming to us. She invites me on her families Christmas vacation. I’m ecstatic, the girl I’ve been wanting back this whole time is telling me she loves me and pushing the pace of the relationship. I’d say about 4 or 5 days into the 7 day trip she starts acting weird, distant, I ask her whats wrong and she says everything is fine, eventually snapping at me at dinner our last night (I tell her not to snap at me), something is seriously off so I try to give her space.

2 days after we get back she breaks up with me. Reasons she gave:
- She said it all started about 3 weeks before this, we woke up together, she was getting ready to leave, I kissed her cheek, and she started doubting or being unsure. She pushed them aside and felt better about everything and then they came back on vacation
- said I deserve somebody who loves me as much as I love her
- loves me but isn’t in love with me and really wants to be (Truly don't get how she can say that. The way she would look at me, kiss me, light up around me, how affectionate she was, the things she would say, texting me at 1am just to tell me how much she loves me...)
- I love her too much
- we see the future differently (which I said we’ve barely spoken about that) so she changed it to we want different things because were different people, that she’s more free spirited and wild and spontaneous and I’m more planned and organized and like to plan my fun
- said I hold her down (I said I’ve never once stopped you from doing anything you’ve wanted to do) she said whenever I want to do something I feel like I have to see if you can do it too then said that didn’t come out right
- said I base too many decisions on her decisions
- said I only do things she wants to do then said but then again you’re so easy going you’d always do something I want to do but she doesn’t want that for me
- said that I did things for her that made her think “don’t do that for me”
- said she’s unhappy sometimes (which kills me and confuses me because she was always smiling, laughing, giggling, seemingly in love and happy when with me)
- that we were falling into the relationship at diff rates
- when I said let’s take some space and talk about these things that she’s never once mentioned anything to me about what’s bothering her making her unhappy she said what’s the point these feelings will just come back and there’s nothing I can do

I am so beyond confused and hurt. I know things were not perfect but it felt like we were completely in love with each other with so much to come that we were both excited about, that we had an incredible connection, i truly thought that she was "the one" the first time we dated, she came back to me and this go was even deeper and reaffirmed those feelings and out of nowhere this is what happened after everything we’ve been through. No difficult conversations of her telling me things that are bothering her or making her unhappy.

3 weeks later I had to see her at a buddy's birthday and it appears she’s completely moved on and doesn’t have a morsel of feelings left for me. I tell her I want to speak now that I had some time to process things, she says ok but not now, she leaves the party, I call her a couple of times (I'm blacked out drunk like an idiot) she says she can't talk so I just text her again saying I think i'm owed a real conversation and she responds the next day saying basically she'll talk if I have things to say but nothing has changed for her, shes happy and has no interest in getting back together and that I should move on (Really nice from a girl that just a couple of weeks ago I was holding in the ocean and she's telling me it was a moment she had been waiting so long for and loved me so much)

What the hell could have happened? I don’t get how we can be on such drastically different pages and me have no idea? I don’t know if she’s not a good person (my roommates tells me she always breaks guys hearts), if she’s just too young and immature for a real relationship with me (she just turned 25 and I turned 29), or if we’re somehow incompatible? (Though I never felt we were incompatible at all, different types of people yes in some aspects but had a ton in common and really thought we fit great together). Maybe I scared her off drunkenly telling her I'm so in love with her or there was too much talk about future plans? (not marriage just summer and next fall plans). I think maybe the "fights" and when i'd get moody over things (i don't know why I got moody, that's really not like me at all!) changed the way she felt about me? Maybe because I never really moved on that ruined this go at it?

I’ll provide any missing details if you ask because there’s a ton I skipped. It feels like she had a few days of perfectly normal doubts/uncertainties and let them get away from her and when we were on a pretty intense vacation together she let little things get under her skin. Im most upset about the fact that she never came to me with what was bothering her. I’m just so beyond confused and heartbroken and was hoping for some insight. I just want this nightmare to be over and her to be wrapped around me in bed, not writing this...

Last edited by lax16; 17th March 2019 at 10:14 AM..
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Old 17th March 2019, 10:23 AM   #2
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Reasons she gave:
- She said it all started about 3 weeks before this, we woke up together, she was getting ready to leave, I kissed her cheek, and she started doubting or being unsure. She pushed them aside and felt better about everything and then they came back on vacation
- said I deserve somebody who loves me as much as I love her
- loves me but isn’t in love with me and really wants to be
- I love her too much
- we see the future differently (which I said we’ve barely spoken about that) so she changed it to we want different things because were different people, that she’s more free spirited and wild and spontaneous and I’m more planned and organized and like to plan my fun
- said I hold her down (I said I’ve never once stopped you from doing anything you’ve wanted to do) she said whenever I want to do something I feel like I have to see if you can do it too then said that didn’t come out right
- said I base too many decisions on her decisions
- said I only do things she wants to do then said but then again you’re so easy going you’d always do something I want to do but she doesn’t want that for me
- said that I did things for her that made her think “don’t do that for me”
- said she’s unhappy sometimes
- that we were falling into the relationship at diff rates
- when I said let’s take some space and talk about these things that she’s never once mentioned anything to me about what’s bothering her making her unhappy she said what’s the point these feelings will just come back and there’s nothing I can do
^^^Big pile of reasons and now she has moved swiftly on.
I guess she is "hot" and gets a lot of offers, is still young and the world is her oyster, loves the idea of being loved but doesn't want to be tied down or be in a relationship.
You thought "the one", she thought "He'll do till someone else comes along..."
All that "love" was in your own head not in hers obviously.
Sorry!
It's over.
Grieve, heal and move on.
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Old 17th March 2019, 10:54 AM   #3
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^^^Big pile of reasons and now she has moved swiftly on.
I guess she is "hot" and gets a lot of offers, is still young and the world is her oyster, loves the idea of being loved but doesn't want to be tied down or be in a relationship.
You thought "the one", she thought "He'll do till someone else comes along..."
All that "love" was in your own head not in hers obviously.
Sorry!
It's over.
Grieve, heal and move on.
what made you guess she's hot and gets lots of offers etc?

If it was only in my head, then why was she acting the way she did, saying all the things a girl that's in love would do/say, invite me on her families vacation?

Last edited by lax16; 17th March 2019 at 10:58 AM..
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Old 17th March 2019, 11:29 AM   #4
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Its been said on here before and very true:
What starts off very intensely dies just as quickly!

This was bound to happen and I am very sorry it has. When we move too quickly and become all in you really don't know each other well and tend to wear rose colored glasses seeing only the good. In time it fizzles out or one party does not like where the relationship is at.

She is younger than you and seems not ready to settle down yet. Take some time to recover then move on to someone new. But take it slower next time.
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Old 17th March 2019, 11:51 AM   #5
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You have to learn to watch what people do, not listen to what they say. You fell for this girl's flowery words and ignored her behaviour. She has a pattern of getting together with guys and then ditching them when someone new catches her eye. That's most likely why she dumped you both times. Yes I know she said you were different but nobody is really different. There is no right guy who can make her change. Hopefully you don't take her back.
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Old 17th March 2019, 12:39 PM   #6
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Its been said on here before and very true:
What starts off very intensely dies just as quickly!

This was bound to happen and I am very sorry it has. When we move too quickly and become all in you really don't know each other well and tend to wear rose colored glasses seeing only the good. In time it fizzles out or one party does not like where the relationship is at.

She is younger than you and seems not ready to settle down yet. Take some time to recover then move on to someone new. But take it slower next time.
Why do you say it was bound to happen? Why is it that relationships that start quickly end quickly? What is it about that dynamic? I feel like she was absolutely the one pushing the pace; wanting to be exclusive, introducing me to her family, taking me on family vacation. Each time she pushed it along a little further I always asked if shes sure that's what she wanted. It's not like this was some fling that we were seeing where things were going, we were in a committed relationship, spoke of future plans, I would have thought if things were bothering her or making her unhappy in that type of relationship, you talk to your partner about those things, no?

One thing that does stick out to me in that regard is, after our "medium sized" fight, after she felt she had let it go which apparently took her more time than she led on, she said something along the lines of I love you for who you are and don't want you to change. This makes me think that she felt like asking me to be more spontaneous for example (since she alluded to it when ending things) would be trying to change me as a person. Where as I view that as my partner telling me something they need to feel happier and if I'm willing to do that/capable of it, I do it. To me, it's not about changing the person you're with, it's about communicating what's needed in the relationship, which can help each person grow individually as well as a couple. Am I wrong to think that way and just rationalizing?

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You have to learn to watch what people do, not listen to what they say. You fell for this girl's flowery words and ignored her behaviour. She has a pattern of getting together with guys and then ditching them when someone new catches her eye. That's most likely why she dumped you both times. Yes I know she said you were different but nobody is really different. There is no right guy who can make her change. Hopefully you don't take her back.
I was watching what she was doing though. She wanted to be exclusive, introduced me to her entire family, invited me on her family vacation, cooked for me, washed my clothing for me, slept in another city with me when I was dog sitting. Of course the words were nice, and I tried my best not to put too much weight behind them, but hearing her say she's all in and I have her whole heart, acting like shes madly in love with me, coupled with her advancing the relationship as she was, what else am I supposed to think?

She didn't dump me either time for somebody else as she was not in any relationships right after. This is confirmed by my roommate who basically lives in her and her sisters apt 75% of the time and is very close with her. Also, she ditched those other 2 guys pretty much for me as far as I know. Although my roommate has said that her sister mention she breaks guys hearts, but as far as I know, before moving to my city she had a bf for 3 years in college whom she lived with, moved here and hasn't dated anybody besides me. The rest seemed to be more like hook ups for at most a month.
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Old 17th March 2019, 3:26 PM   #7
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Why do you say it was bound to happen? Why is it that relationships that start quickly end quickly? What is it about that dynamic? I feel like she was absolutely the one pushing the pace; wanting to be exclusive, introducing me to her family, taking me on family vacation.
Because they usually aren't on fire from the beginning for the right reasons.

People who dive into relationships too fast are often doing so not out of genuine feelings but out of place of lust or attempting to fill some kind of void. The other party might naively believe it's because their new partner is just so in love with them, but how can that be true when there's drama or too little history between you?

In other words, you were on different pages but you didn't know it because you were in a very different head-space from her. She seems to bounce around a lot and not speak very sincerely, so while you attached significant emotion to her frilly promises and affirmations, she was speaking a lot more superficially. You can't take big promises too seriously from someone like her who has a history of flaky behaviour and breaking your heart.

There were warning signs along the way that this girl was not a reliable candidate in which to invest your heart. You are seeing now that those warning signs were indeed correct.
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Old 17th March 2019, 3:32 PM   #8
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I don't even know where to begin. I will just say that I cannot understand how in the world you would feel "blindsided" after this gal dumped you. Not only did she do it once before, which is a guarantee she would do it again, but her behavior has been such that she has absolutely no respect for you, and part of that is your fault. Work on yourself, then find a woman who does.
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Old 17th March 2019, 4:46 PM   #9
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Because they usually aren't on fire from the beginning for the right reasons.

People who dive into relationships too fast are often doing so not out of genuine feelings but out of place of lust or attempting to fill some kind of void. The other party might naively believe it's because their new partner is just so in love with them, but how can that be true when there's drama or too little history between you?

In other words, you were on different pages but you didn't know it because you were in a very different head-space from her. She seems to bounce around a lot and not speak very sincerely, so while you attached significant emotion to her frilly promises and affirmations, she was speaking a lot more superficially. You can't take big promises too seriously from someone like her who has a history of flaky behaviour and breaking your heart.

There were warning signs along the way that this girl was not a reliable candidate in which to invest your heart. You are seeing now that those warning signs were indeed correct.
Well we did have history, which I thought only ended because she was not ready for a serious relationship at the time and at some point had said she was scared that I could be her last relationship. So we did have history, we knew each other. Hearing her say that this time was different, and that being apart made her realize she wants to be with me, that she always thought about me when we weren't together and she wasn't going to hurt me, coupled with her introducing me to the family, family vacation and other acts showing she was serious about us being serious made me believe her.

What signs stick out to you that she would not be a reliable girl for a relationship?

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I don't even know where to begin. I will just say that I cannot understand how in the world you would feel "blindsided" after this gal dumped you. Not only did she do it once before, which is a guarantee she would do it again, but her behavior has been such that she has absolutely no respect for you, and part of that is your fault. Work on yourself, then find a woman who does.
I was blindsided because as stated above, she came back to me telling me how all in she was, that being away from me made her realize she wanted to be with me that she was just scared and stupid originally about getting into a serious relationship, that she always thought about me while we were apart she seemed completely committed to being in a relationship with me and completely in love with me. I get that those are all words, and at first I told her she was going to have to prove herself to me so when she started asking me to do things, introducing me to her family, basically backing her words up with actions, I believed and let my guard down.

What stands out to you as actions of no respect, which part is my fault? How do I go about not allowing this or screening for this in the future?

Last edited by lax16; 17th March 2019 at 5:02 PM..
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Old 17th March 2019, 6:11 PM   #10
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What stands out to you as actions of no respect, which part is my fault? How do I go about not allowing this or screening for this in the future?

What stands out? THIS:


"She had a bf at the time, a month after they broke up A and I slept together for the first time. My roommate didn’t want it to continue and her sister told A she couldn’t date me. Every time we saw each other there was intense chemistry. 5 months later she’s “hooking up” w/ some kid and we end up sleeping together and both admit there’s something between us and want to date. Roommate and gf break up that week and we agree that we can’t see each other. A month later they’re back together so A and I start talking again, see each other, make plans to hang out. Apparently she’s been seeing somebody from out of town for a month or so, she cancels plans on me. About 2 weeks later she dumps him and hits me up, we start dating. We date for 3 months, very intensely. No official talks or anything but going on dates and sleeping at each other’s places 3-4 times a week. I’m under the impression she is crazy in love with me and we’re about to get serious. She goes away on a family trip, everything seems great, she comes back, we hang out a few times and less than a week later she blindside dumps me saying she’s not ready for a serious relationship and we’re in different places in life and she’s not ready to fall in love (she’s 23 turning 24 at the time I’m 27). I’m destroyed by the break up.

After this the following events take place: We sleep together 2 months later 2 weekends in a row, she flakes on 2 things with me, I find out she’s hooking up with one of my good friends roommates, she brings some kid she apparently hooked up with on that fam trip (we weren’t exclusive at the time though I thought we were about to be) to a friends party where I am (she winds up calling me the next day apologizing), she starts coming around more and we become “friendly” again and this brings us to this past July."


Buddy, this woman is a serial cheater and liar. How in the world did you think she was going to magically change? This woman never had any respect for you or the relationship, which is why she treated you like a chump. Your part in it is the fact that you didn't kick her to the curb like the trash she was, instead giving her the green light to continue to do whatever she wanted while you waited around like a puppy dog.
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Old 17th March 2019, 6:21 PM   #11
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Buddy, this woman is a serial cheater and liar. How in the world did you think she was going to magically change? This woman never had any respect for you or the relationship, which is why she treated you like a chump. Your part in it is the fact that you didn't kick her to the curb like the trash she was, instead giving her the green light to continue to do whatever she wanted while you waited around like a puppy dog.
Yes, this.

I don't know how you didn't see the red flags all over this, OP.
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Old 17th March 2019, 6:42 PM   #12
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What stands out? THIS:

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Yes, this.

I don't know how you didn't see the red flags all over this, OP.
Thanks for the reply...

Just to clarify, in case things weren't communicated properly in my attempt at brevity... she didn't break up with her serious bf for me and we didn't hook up until they were broken up for at least a month. The other guy she was only casually hooking up with for a couple of weeks, not commitment to him. The kid from out of town she was seeing, we didn't hook up until she broke up with him. The time she hooked up with somebody on that cruise is questionable, but we weren't official, and to be honest at the time I was looking to get a last piece of free ass before we got serious because I thought that's what was coming, but yes that did not sit very well with me.

I truly thought originally she was just young and considering my age and place in life, wasn't ready for what I was. I thought her coming back and as seriously as she did, as compared to last time, indicated that's what she wanted and was ready for. It's hard to imagine that she was doing and saying the things she was with 0 truth or sincerity behind any of it?

Maybe this is the wrong question to be asking, but what could I do to make her respect me going forward (we are in the same social circle now)? Or I guess any girl for that matter? What causes a woman not to respect a man?

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Old 17th March 2019, 7:46 PM   #13
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Thanks for the reply...
Maybe this is the wrong question to be asking, but what could I do to make her respect me going forward (we are in the same social circle now)? Or I guess any girl for that matter? What causes a woman not to respect a man?
I think #1 is that you regard yourself as a high value man and not settle for someone who will flake you. A women respects a man who lets go of them and doesn't ask for them to come back. A women respects a man who respects himself. A women respects a man who is kind. A women respects a man who makes a decision, regardless of certainty, but sticks to that decision up until a more certain answer reveals itself. The decision you got to make is to either stir your finger in an open wound, or to commit to the relationship being over regardless of if she changes her mind. Her loss, she had her opportunity and she lost it. Think abundance... There are plenty of women out there who want a man like you and they wouldn't pass up on the opportunity for that relationship. You're not valuable to her, but you are valuable. She messed up, you didn't. I'm not saying your perfect, but you didn't dump her, she dumped you. Don't look back, this isn't a mistake you overlook in a women.

If being around her messes you up, then either ask her to leave if you all are hanging out together(Don't stop seeing your friends because of her), or if that's to hard to do... Then develop a new friend circle or start hitting the gym / start a new activity (Dance/Improv/Singing/Fishing/Something). It's a opportunity to reinvent yourself, especially if your friend circle sucks. The end of her isn't the end of your social life; stay centered.

On the flip side; If her being around doesn't bother you, then just chill, hangout and be cool about it. Remember that she's part of the past. She is no longer a potential lover, she's a flake. There's nothing wrong with her not being interested in you, there is something wrong with you letting her flip-flopping interests bash your heart. Respect yourself and let her go break other dudes hearts and you focus on healing yours instead. Learn and move-on - Don't hold a grudge, you two weren't married and she has every right to lose interest in you; respect her choice and don't be sitting like a puppy dog waiting for her to return... You're a high value man, you deserve the real deal, not some girl who thought you weren't worth it all the way up to the point of telling you.

I recommend writing in a journal daily. This is so important in my opinion. Go buy yourself a journal and start writing things down if you feeling confused or whatever. The journal will be where you dump your crap. After you dumped it, go out there and continue becoming more alpha male.
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Old 18th March 2019, 3:23 AM   #14
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Maybe this is the wrong question to be asking, but what could I do to make her respect me going forward (we are in the same social circle now)? Or I guess any girl for that matter? What causes a woman not to respect a man?
Speaking from experience when I was younger and sometimes behaved like her - when a man lets us just walk in and out of his life as we please. We know he'll be there waiting so we don't take him very seriously. Guys like you easily become a back-up plan for when things don't pan out on the singles scene, unfortunately.

It's already over with her, and I doubt she will be back for a third attempt at anything serious. But in the future, do not be afraid to assert yourself and make it known you won't be toyed with. You need to figure out where your boundaries are and act accordingly.

I don't think your ex was necessarily lying about what she wanted in the future; I just feel she's the type of girl who easily gets swept up in the moment and says whatever comes into her head without really weighing the effect of her words on others. She might also indeed want all these things (trips, family gatherings, etc) but not necessarily with you. In other words, a trip with a boyfriend would be tons of fun but she doesn't really see you as that boyfriend.

This doesn't mean there is something wrong with you, to be very clear. It does mean, though, that you need to adjust your woman-picker and not get ahead of yourself when someone has already demonstrated that she's flaky and flighty.
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Old 18th March 2019, 9:40 AM   #15
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Speaking from experience when I was younger and sometimes behaved like her - when a man lets us just walk in and out of his life as we please. We know he'll be there waiting so we don't take him very seriously. Guys like you easily become a back-up plan for when things don't pan out on the singles scene, unfortunately.

It's already over with her, and I doubt she will be back for a third attempt at anything serious. But in the future, do not be afraid to assert yourself and make it known you won't be toyed with. You need to figure out where your boundaries are and act accordingly.

I don't think your ex was necessarily lying about what she wanted in the future; I just feel she's the type of girl who easily gets swept up in the moment and says whatever comes into her head without really weighing the effect of her words on others. She might also indeed want all these things (trips, family gatherings, etc) but not necessarily with you. In other words, a trip with a boyfriend would be tons of fun but she doesn't really see you as that boyfriend.

This doesn't mean there is something wrong with you, to be very clear. It does mean, though, that you need to adjust your woman-picker and not get ahead of yourself when someone has already demonstrated that she's flaky and flighty.
I guess it just didn’t seem like I was letting her walk in and out of my life. While we were apart, I was doing my own thing, dating other girls, but she is in my social circle so we did see each other and wound up hooking up a few times + other drama. I guess I saw it more as neither one of us could stay away from each other.

I know you and others are saying you can’t believe I didn’t see this coming but put yourself in my shoes. When somebody says I want to be exclusive to you, I’m going to prove myself to you, I’ve never stopped thinking about you, and then proceeds to invite you to events, dates, introduces you to their whole family, invites you on a family vacation, you would be under the impression it was different this time around and the person was serious about you and the relationship. To me, those are words (which yes maybe I put too much weight behind) coupled with actions.

As I said it just kills me she never came to me about anything that was bothering her.

I don’t know if this relationship was doomed from the get go because she is too young/immature. If she’s manipulative and a bad person. Or if everything was as real as I thought it was but I killed her attraction for me being, based on the reasons she gave when breaking up with me, a bit of a nice guy pushover.
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