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NC? Do I reach out? Does she? Move on?


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 23rd January 2019, 12:43 PM   #1
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Do I Send this?

So I have been thinking of sending this to my ex. 5+ year relationship, we lived together for 3 years. We didn't have a perfect relationship, we had a few bad arguments like once a year mostly because of me and not putting in the effort to see her parents more or watch her teach classes at her studio. We had an odd schedule, she would work 6 days a week and I worked overnights. I always asked her to maybe take a day off to do something together, instead of just one day a week and only seeing each other in the mornings. But we lived together and I thought it was enough. I've also said things in the past I deeply regret saying to her during heated arguments. I got too comfortable and we kind of just coasted along from that point. I thought I would marry. have kids and grow old with this girl. She was always there for me, always. Her parents always wanted to see me, it would make her happy when we would hang out, it was just the little things I didnt put the effort in.

I realized towards the end, she was talking to someone behind my back, snapchatting in the bathroom to some guy. I had to find out from my best friend who saw her doing it. I dont know if anything physical ever happened between them but I would see that any time I would walk by for the last couple weeks while she was texting, she would put her phone down right away. I ignored that red flag because I trusted her. Me nor anyone else would think she would do that. She was acting distant too. She ended things after I asked if she was happy and could see a future with us. We talked and she said she felt disconnected. She left for a few days with the dog and we had really no contact. I texted her once the next day to see if she was okay. She said she was okay and that she hopes I was okay too. a few days went by and I called her in the morning, left her a vm to see how she was doing and how the dog was. All of her stuff was still at my house and I was just confused on what was happening. This was all before I realized she was talking to some guy, I thought she just left because she felt 'disconnected'. Once my best friend told me what was going on, I packed all her stuff up as fast as I could, kind of messing up some of her dresses in the process. I confronted her in person about what she was doing, as I gave her all of her stuff back.

I tried to get her to admit what she has been doing behind my back, by asking if her if there is anything else she wanted to say or admit. She didn't. I knew the guys name and told her and she looked dejected and shocked that I knew everything. She admitted to what she was doing. I told her I trusted her, and I said she was disgusting for snap-chatting this dude in our bathroom and I told her to stay the **** out of my life. She said she ****ed up but wasnt cheating. I kind of just dropped all of her stuff (make up, clothes and, shoes even food in trashbags) on the floor in front of her car and I just drove away. I havent talked to her since, removed her from all social media and everything. Even her parents have unfriended me now.

Now..... I feel guilty on how we left off after I confronted her.

So I know I probably shouldn't send her anything, but her parents loved me, I loved her dog, that stayed with us, I still miss her and maybe this is for my own closure?

'Im sending this because I didnt want things to end on such a bad note. It just felt wrong after everything we have been through. I'm sorry for how I reacted. I forgive you and I forgive myself. I want you to be happy.

We got too comfortable, or maybe we became adults too fast, or its just the things I did or said that pushed you away. I can only think ahead, I cant change it. I can only change myself. I hope your parents know I appreciate everything they did. I hope Hannah (the dog) stays healthy and well. I will always remember the good times over the bad. Wishing you well in everything you do'


Am I an idiot? please help, its been a week so far and its been rough. I still love her and would do anything for her, regardless of her 'cheating'. I just feel like there could have been more said, i mean it was 5 years?

Last edited by fallinginreverse54; 23rd January 2019 at 1:10 PM..
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Old 23rd January 2019, 1:13 PM   #2
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Hey mate, first of all hang in there and try to think with a clear head. So to answer your question I'd ask, would you recommend this to your best pal if he were in your shoes? If your answer is no, you got yours as well.
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Old 23rd January 2019, 2:15 PM   #3
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Send it if you want but it won't change anything.

Even if you weren't the best BF, she could have just broken up with you. Her chose to be deceitful & cheat on you is her failing not yours.
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Old 23rd January 2019, 2:22 PM   #4
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I mean, I guess she wanted out of the relationship already but she was lying behind my back making me think everything is okay, when it really wasnt. I wish she would have just talked to me.

I wish I didnt have to find out from one of my friends what she was doing.

But does she really care? since she wanted out of the relationship anyways, like yeah she was cheating but shes probably not going through what im going through because her mind was made up already.
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Old 23rd January 2019, 3:51 PM   #5
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Sounds like from your description that she had not cheated....yet.

Her "home" was tied to the relationship, so she couldn't just break up with you until she found a place to live first. If you had a history of being & acting jealous then many women are going to get setup with the new guy before they try to break up,...so a woman can end up looking like a cheater when she normally would never do that. She is afraid of how her current jealous BF would react so she waits till she has a new guy in place that she can run to for safety (and a place to live). It is just simple practicality. It is a pitfall of two people living together,...one of the two needs a new place to live if they break up.
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Old 23rd January 2019, 4:12 PM   #6
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If it's only been a week since the breakup, I'd say don't send it. Sit on it for a while. Maybe a month? You can always send it to her later. Emotions run really high right after a breakup and it might not be well received.

She wanted to break up, let her go and be without you. After you've been gone for a while, she might start regretting breaking up and not treating you well. Especially if this new thing doesn't work out like she wants it to. If you send it to her now, you are kind of telling her that her behavior was ok -- which it was not. I'd say let your silence do the talking. But I understand how hard that is.
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Old 23rd January 2019, 4:20 PM   #7
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I wouldn't send her diddly squat
but yes, you did the right thing by breaking up with her
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Old 23rd January 2019, 4:47 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fallinginreverse54 View Post
I realized towards the end, she was talking to someone behind my back, snapchatting in the bathroom to some guy. I had to find out from my best friend who saw her doing it.
Before giving my further thoughts - how did your best friend happen to see her Snapchatting a guy? How did he see enough to know who he is and that it was inappropriate content? My questions might simply stem from my ignorance of the app, since I don't use it.
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Old 23rd January 2019, 4:59 PM   #9
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Delete that message, delete her number, get out with some of your guy friends or dive into your favorite hobby.
Do not go to anyplace her or her friends will be.
Do not respond to friends who want to pass messages about your FORMER relationship or any interaction with her.
Don't think you owe her any apology.

Imagine you sent that and got her back? I guarantee you would only regret it even more powerfully down the road, and undermine yourself to yourself further. You would waste some of your best, irretrievable years, and set yourself up form future patterns having women treat you like dirt.

Work on becoming a better self, who will have a better relationship, with a better woman, in the future.
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Old 23rd January 2019, 9:09 PM   #10
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How about waiting for her to send you a similar message? I guarantee she won't until plan A fails. Don't send it, you will look weak and she doesn't give two turds anyway. Respect yourself.
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Old 23rd January 2019, 9:20 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by ExpatInItaly View Post
Before giving my further thoughts - how did your best friend happen to see her Snapchatting a guy? How did he see enough to know who he is and that it was inappropriate content? My questions might simply stem from my ignorance of the app, since I don't use it.
She would be sitting on the couch doing it as my best friend was over hanging out with us watching her. He said he would see her look around to see where I was, then switch back to snapchat, msg that dude, then switch back to facebook instantly. He know that she was hiding it. He said then she would put her phone on silent, look around for me and go to the bathroom for 15 min even after she already was in the shower and did everything she had to do. It all made sense since I saw her hiding her phone everytime i would walk by.

When i confronted her, i asked her what she would be doing in the bathroom and she said she was ‘texting’ him. But snapchatting is for pictures that go away within like 20 seconds...so what was she actually doing?
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Old 23rd January 2019, 9:31 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by PRW View Post
Sounds like from your description that she had not cheated....yet.

Her "home" was tied to the relationship, so she couldn't just break up with you until she found a place to live first. If you had a history of being & acting jealous then many women are going to get setup with the new guy before they try to break up,...so a woman can end up looking like a cheater when she normally would never do that. She is afraid of how her current jealous BF would react so she waits till she has a new guy in place that she can run to for safety (and a place to live). It is just simple practicality. It is a pitfall of two people living together,...one of the two needs a new place to live if they break up.
I was never the jeaous type in our relationship...ever. I let her do what she wanted, I trusted her. I never snooped through her stuff. I even ignored blatant red flags like an idiot (literally everytime i walked by she put her phone face down on her chest for the last couple weeks) because I never in a million years think she would be talking to someone else. She was never like that, but she changed. She changed since she got so involved in her fitness job, getting healthy and what not, working 6 days a week. Its her dads business. So i get why she was working so much, and they were understaffed for a bit. she also started hanging with her friends ALOT more, like going out every weekend.

It really sucks it had to end this way, i really thought she was the one and it breaks my heart to know she moved on so quick. To just forget about me so easily.
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Old 23rd January 2019, 9:47 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by nolanola View Post
If it's only been a week since the breakup, I'd say don't send it. Sit on it for a while. Maybe a month? You can always send it to her later. Emotions run really high right after a breakup and it might not be well received.

She wanted to break up, let her go and be without you. After you've been gone for a while, she might start regretting breaking up and not treating you well. Especially if this new thing doesn't work out like she wants it to. If you send it to her now, you are kind of telling her that her behavior was ok -- which it was not. I'd say let your silence do the talking. But I understand how hard that is.
The reason I feel guilty and everything is because I told her to stay out of my life. I told her she was disgusting for going behind my back and snapping this other guy in our bathroom and on our couch, literally right in front of me. Is that the worst thing I could say? Is she gonna think back about what I said and never reach back out? It was just a reaction to finding out what she doing after 5+ years together and her admitting it.

Should I have given her a hug? Tell her I want her to be happy? Would that have made me look like a bigger man in the end?

I Just dont know if she wanted out of the relationship because of this other guy or maybe she said she felt disconnected to not hurt me more.

The light has literally gone from my life, its so hard to move forward.

Last edited by fallinginreverse54; 23rd January 2019 at 9:49 PM..
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Old 23rd January 2019, 9:54 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by alphamale View Post
I wouldn't send her diddly squat
but yes, you did the right thing by breaking up with her
She broke up with me, but only after I asked if she was happy and could see a future with us. Meanwhile she was talking to this other guy the whole time for like a couple weeks now. I noticed she didnt want sex and was acting distant. I knew in my gut something was off. Until my friend told me what she has been doing, it all made sense.

You are prob right about not sending that, if anything
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Old 23rd January 2019, 10:00 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by Orokotikki View Post
Delete that message, delete her number, get out with some of your guy friends or dive into your favorite hobby.
Do not go to anyplace her or her friends will be.
Do not respond to friends who want to pass messages about your FORMER relationship or any interaction with her.
Don't think you owe her any apology.

Imagine you sent that and got her back? I guarantee you would only regret it even more powerfully down the road, and undermine yourself to yourself further. You would waste some of your best, irretrievable years, and set yourself up form future patterns having women treat you like dirt.

Work on becoming a better self, who will have a better relationship, with a better woman, in the future.

She was a really good gf, it was me that just got too comfortable in the relationship. Maybe im just idolizing her, but she did a lot for me. I feel like I led her to cheating, no matter how ****ty that is, I feel like it was my actions of being so complacent that led her to this. She really didnt treat me like dirt until the very end. I mean the day we broke up, everything was normal. We got breakfast, re did our bathroom, cleaned the house...even went grocery shopping. Everything seemed normal. It felt so out of left field that she wasnt happy. But really, she had a side dude she was talking too for probably weeks.

I want to move forward, but its like everything I had been looking forward too was with her. I feel so lost literally, everything is black and white and I cant enjoy doing anything
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