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Drive-by's


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 6th January 2019, 12:26 AM   #16
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Originally Posted by Normm View Post
Some people don't handle life stressors all that well. Some of the top life stressors are job loss, medical issues, and relationship breakups where the person was dumped.



They just SNAP.
Well, technically he wasn't the one who was dumped. The relationship was on the rocks and we'd been dumping each other and getting back together for awhile prior, but the last time was his idea. He gave life stressors as the reason for it and said he's unable to fall in love with anyone and in fact had been a bachelor for years when we got together. He wanted to stay friends afterward but I just wanted to put it all to rest and went no contact. Considering the way it ended the last thing I expected was stalking behaviour. I'm not convinced he was entirely over me, however... he could be having second thoughts now that I'm no longer in his life at all. I don't know.
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Old 6th January 2019, 1:05 AM   #17
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Calling the police as I suggested is far from overkill. At the very least they talk to him AND he now knows they are involved. If he has half a brain he will understand that THEY WILL ramp it up if he fails to heed their advice. What you don't quite understand is that the police will ask you why the hell you didn't call sooner if he chooses to escalate. NIP it in the bud OP.
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Old 6th January 2019, 10:44 AM   #18
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Contrary to popular opinion, I think you're wise not to escalate if you don't feel threatened, at least not yet. An intermediate step you could take if he does that continual drive-by stuff again is to call and ask the police to simply patrol your street or park nearby for awhile. Seeing the unit might be enough to discourage the behavior. If they want to know why tell them, but also tell them you don't wish to escalate yet. The least amount of intervention that works is probably best imho.

When my daughter was in middle school she was being sort of bullied by another girl. She didn't want me to intervene because of the social implication of having ratted the other girl out. I went to the principal and asked them to just have a teacher in the hallway near my daughter's locker at class change, and to make eye contact with the other girl when she cruised by. It worked great. The other girl never knew for sure that they had her number, but she backed off and there was no retribution.

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Old 6th January 2019, 10:59 AM   #19
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Hearing all these things in the news you never really know people. I would err on the side of caution. It does sound stalkerish. I wonder if confronted and he doesn’t like the response (either in person or via written communication) how he’d act. I personally would feel unsafe and reach out to the police but that’s just me.
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Old 6th January 2019, 11:37 AM   #20
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Originally Posted by salparadise View Post
Contrary to popular opinion, I think you're wise not to escalate if you don't feel threatened, at least not yet. An intermediate step you could take if he does that continual drive-by stuff again is to call and ask the police to simply patrol your street or park nearby for awhile. Seeing the unit might be enough to discourage the behavior. If they want to know why tell them, but also tell them you don't wish to escalate yet. The least amount of intervention that works is probably best imho.

When my daughter was in middle school she was being sort of bullied by another girl. She didn't want me to intervene because of the social implication of having ratted the other girl out. I went to the principal and asked them to just have a teacher in the hallway near my daughter's locker at class change, and to make eye contact with the other girl when she cruised by. It worked great. The other girl never knew for sure that they had her number, but she backed off and there was no retribution.
This isn't about children being bullied in school, it's about an adult who can't take no or stop for an answer. It is also much easier for a teacher to be in the hallway in order to discourage such behavior than for the police to randomly patrol your neighborhood in the hopes they may catch him in the act. Furthermore the police aren't going to prioritize the issue by directing resources towards a person who is extremely wishy-washy about a potential problem.

By getting them involved in such a way in which they advise him to knock it off creates a history for the courts to consider if a restraining order is needed in the future.

Op, I understand your not scared with this situation and you know him better than any of us. With that being said, his behavior is not normal adult behavior. He is forcing you to feel uncomfortable and is showing you that he doesn't respect your wishes. He clearly doesn't respect boundaries.
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Old 6th January 2019, 12:16 PM   #21
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This isn't about children being bullied in school...
Feel free to ignore that part then. It wasn't directed to you anyway. It's an illustration of how sometimes it's appropriate to use the minimum force rather than the maximum to resolve something. I fully realize that OP and the ex-boyfriend are not school children, but otherwise the situations are somewhat parallel. I think catastrophizing is ridiculous when OP has clearly stated that she is not afraid of him. This is her life, not a TV show.
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Old 6th January 2019, 5:52 PM   #22
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Fear doesn't have to play a part in this, her peace is being disturbed so How is calling the police considered catastrophizing? If she is basically being harassed and wants it to stop then why not activate something that is well within her rights, doesn't cost her anything and sends a clear message that his activity needs to stop. They aren't going to arrest him and she may not have to bother with a restraining order. It makes no sense to wait and see. Just calling them for help is not seen as catastrophizing in their eyes, in fact I can guarantee they would rather want her to be proactive about her own safety. Unless she intends on dating this guy again, what's the point in waiting?

It's just a step to take and it is within a minimum amount needed. The police get bothered with far less than this.
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Old 6th January 2019, 6:32 PM   #23
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Thinking the cops is a bit over kill . .
Said lots of victims before they were victims. The OP said he'd been kind of "stalkerish" in the past anyway.

OP talk to the police and make sure you mention this to your neighbors and friends as well. Lots of eyes on the situation would be a good thing for a while.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 7th January 2019 at 12:34 AM.. Reason: Fix quote
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Old 7th January 2019, 2:15 PM   #24
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He's still doing it but to a lesser degree than he was doing it the other day.

I think this is going to peter out. He's a less than stellar human being but not dangerous. So I'm going to assume it's his way of dealing with whatever emotions he's experiencing over the break up. Everyone feels a void afterward... sometimes we can all do inappropriate things out of grief or loneliness. And it's a small, lonely town. I find myself just now feeling sad for him and for us both.
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Old 7th January 2019, 6:14 PM   #25
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Very level headed of you to see it this way, but i'm guessing he just wants to keep tabs on whether you are seeing anyone, and there isn't any evidence at the moment, but it might start up again if he sees anything to make him think you may be.

Personally, even though you don't want to break no contact, I think if it continues, you should just send him a txt or email that doesn't require a reply.

He is probably only doing it because he thinks you aren't aware of it.
Just bringing his attention to the fact that you have noticed and think it's creepy and makes you uncomfortable will probably be enough to make him stop. Saying "I noticed that you are driving by my house an awful lot. Can you please stop, it's creepy and weird and makes me uncomfortable. I don't want to have to contact the police, but I will if it continues. Thanks"
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Old 9th March 2019, 10:04 PM   #26
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UPDATE

We broke up in Nov. and now it's March and he's still doing this. Not all the time. He'll do it several times a day one day then disappears for three... comes back and does it again.

This guy didn't even want me. What would be his reasoning behind this... I have to say it's upsetting me because short of living in the dark behind closed blinds, I have huge windows and can't help but see this. It's making it hard to move on, tbh. And I have a huge list of resentments against him that keep bubbling back up to the surface whenever I see him.

Is he playing games? Trying to stay in my head? What should I do about it? Confronting him would just make me sound like a lunatic, and as I said before he's not dangerous. Nor is it against the law for him to drive down the street. But it bothers me. He did so many things that hurt. I just want to get rid of it...

btw... I suspect he's with someone else on top of it. I don't know for sure... but I suspect. In which case why can't he stay away from my house?
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Old 9th March 2019, 10:08 PM   #27
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sometimes Fair a man just needs a reason to go for a drive
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Old 9th March 2019, 10:21 PM   #28
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sometimes Fair a man just needs a reason to go for a drive
So just go circle your ex's house for half the day every few days? Yeah.

I think he's playing games.
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Old 9th March 2019, 10:32 PM   #29
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Fair,

Keep a log of the dates and times you've seen him drive by.

Report this behavior to the police so they have it on record.

That way, if anything ever does happen, they at least have it on record to refer to and have a lead.

If he keeps driving by, report it to the police again.

What he is doing is severe enough to be persecuted for, and it is easier than you think. Especially when it is a male doing it to a female.

I've seen it happen.

Don't try and figure out why he is doing it. Just know that it is unhealthy and it isn't okay, and let that be enough.
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Old 9th March 2019, 11:33 PM   #30
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So just go circle your ex's house for half the day every few days? ..
take video of him with your phone and note the day date and time. take the videos to the police and see what they can do.

don't file anything falsely otherwise the same thing'll happen to you that happened to that Justin Smollett dude
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