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Post-break up story and staying no contact

Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 11th October 2018, 6:21 PM   #1
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Post-break up story and staying no contact

My breakup took place in late August. My ex (33f) and I (34m) were together going on 7 years, we lived together for about 5 of those years, most of the time she was in school while I had and still have a full time job. She got a job after graduating with a large company where she has progressed well and fast. Things had always seemed great. We had some issues that started at the beginning of this year that we were working on, I didn't think they were deal breakers but it's possible that they were for her.

One Monday in late August, she was on her way home from work and we were talking on the phone, I could tell something was way off, she definitely had this indication in her voice that told me whatever she says next will not end well, it was something I never heard her sound like. I got off the phone with her and prepared for the worst. After she got home we sat on our couch and I asked her what was wrong. She said "I need space" and didn't really elaborate on why, though she alluded to some of the issues we were having this year. I responded by telling her that that's not what I want but I can't stop her. I knew her mind was made up. Nothing I could do or say was gonna change her mind. She told me she was going to grab some of her things and go somewhere. I said okay. We exchanged a few other inconsequential words and she left. She texted me the next day and said she needed to get some stuff from the house, I said okay over text. I spent the next couple of days wondering what came next, but I was assuming the worst. When someone tells you they need space, it usually isn't a good thing.

That Friday morning, my first day off that week, I woke up to an email. She wrote a lot of stuff and said things like "I love you" and "you're very important to me" , "I have nothing negative to say about our time together" but she followed it up with other things like "I want to break up and move out" and "I need to find what makes me happy". There were some other bulls**t platitudes she threw in there but I could see the message for what it was, a mere attempt to assuage her guilt since she was leaving the relationship, for what reasons I don't know. She didn't have any other information as to why, what had bothered her, what needed to change, whether she met someone else. I wasn't really surprised. Maybe she thought it would hurt me less. Ultimately I decided from that moment on that I wasn't going to speak to her again.

She moved out two days later while I wasn't home, she did text me that day saying she's sorry for everything and sorry for canceling a big trip we had planned and payed for, along with some requests for some of her things, I didn't respond, I had already gotten that stuff out for her to grab anyway. I didn't do anything to her possessions, just let her get them, my dad was at the house while she moved out she told him she got everything and gave him the key, no other words were exchanged. She did leave some stuff in the house that I got rid of immediately. I've found other things here and there that I removed. I'm not saying it was easy, but it's what I had to do.

My next move was to maintain STRICT no contact, not as some means to get her back or any of that, that is a one way ticket, either to more pain or to another failed attempt at a relationship (yeah we never broke up before, but there's nothing stopping my ex from doing this AGAIN). I unfriended her on all social media and after about a month blocked her in every way possible (phone, email, all social media, etc - unsurprisingly you can still see posts from people that aren't friends on your mutual friends pages, I got tired of seeing it, so blocking made all the sense in the world). I haven't spoken to any of our mutual friends about any of it, and haven't hung out with them either. I have friends that aren't in her circle and have supported me/held me accountable. She has not tried to contact me either, though now if she did I wouldn't have any idea.

These are all hard things to do\maintain. To cut someone out of your life that you're in love with and you still want in your life, the pain/depression/anxiety can be excruciating. This isn't my first breakup though, and I know that time will make things better. Trying to keep myself in her life (which she surely doesn't deserve based on her final actions) by looking at anything relating to what's going on now will only feed my pain and prolong it. I can speak from experience.

I haven't reached out for these simple reasons: there's nothing I can do or say that will make me feel any better, and surely trying to coerce her into coming back through pity or worthless attempts at romanticism will end up with me looking like the fool if it doesn't go my way. The same goes for asking for closure or reasons why. What's going to stop her from lying to me, or just not responding at all? She clearly said things in the email that were lies or just really poor attempts at trying to make me feel okay about her decision.

Starting again has been daunting. I don't want kids, and she didn't either. Finding someone that doesn't want kids at all is going to be tough. Living alone again has left me feeling lonely and depressed. At times I don't really feel like I can get through this because my heart is still so broken, but I know in my mind that I have the strength to get through.

So all that said remember these sometimes cliche' truisms:

"The only way out is through."
"The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior."
"There's no good reason to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you."
"Sometimes the hard thing to do and the right thing to do are the same thing."

"Silence is golden."

Please take note of that last one. I don't know what she's doing, I don't know why she left, but I'm the one that has to get through this, whether I like it or not, so she won't get a thing from me. For all of those suffering out there, you're not alone.
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Old 11th October 2018, 7:05 PM   #2
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Dude, that f段n sucks. I知 sorry.

My ex left after 7 years as well without any clue as to what whet wrong.

I have to hand it to you though, you are acting with the utmost maturity and I commend you for that. I wish I had handled things better (I tried to work things out for 3 months until I was finally dumped for good) but at least it reaffirmed why I have never, and will never do it again.

It痴 been a painful 2 years since, but I知 getting there.

Honestly I don稚 know if I値l ever be over it (this is not my first rodeo either) but I believe things happen for a reason. It might take you years to see it, but I believe one day we all will say 的f she never left, I wouldn稚 be here now.

Good luck on your journey. You are starting at a much better place than most.

Be proud of that.
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Old 12th October 2018, 1:18 AM   #3
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That's rough Seven. Two years and still feeling the pain, that's a long time, I get it for sure. I had a failed marriage 8 years ago, she was cheating on me. Begged, pleaded to work things out, and after 2 months I was done trying, and I knew I'd never be that person again. For the better that my marriage didn't work out, that's another story all together. I started feeling better about 4 months after I cut her out of my life. It was hard, but ultimately it was the right thing to do. I met my most recent ex after about a year of getting over it all. After what happened with my ex-wife, I knew that no matter the circumstances, walking away in utter silence is the most powerful message you can send to anyone that hurts you, whether intentional or not. That said, it's also the hardest thing to do.
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Old 25th October 2018, 1:15 AM   #4
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Jesus. You are one strong minded individual - so much respect and admiration !

I'm 6 weeks out from a break up with my ex bf who left also without much reasoning. I reached out 2 weeks ago with no reply, but am struggling at the moment with not reaching out one last time before I completely give up.
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Old 25th October 2018, 1:34 AM   #5
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I'm with you Endnote. You are doing so well and are seeing this with so much maturity.
My relationship was 5.5 years. He moved 2 streets away.
I am sticking to NC also. I have a dog that I got while we were together, that he wants to see. I have had to arrange my mum to coordinate it.

I also don't want kids, so don't worry.. there are woman out there who don't want them. Why would anyone with the world in the state it's in?

I really admire the way you are handling this. You should be very proud of yourself.
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Old 25th October 2018, 1:41 AM   #6
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Wow. Good for you dude. Unreal mentality you have. Hang in there and keep going. Really sorry to hear about the break up and the situation.
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Old 26th October 2018, 1:52 AM   #7
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Thank you for the support guys. Today is two full months of no contact. Every day has its ups and downs. I try my best to talk to myself in a positive manner, and when I think about her, I remind myself that it's over and that it doesn't matter if she's already dating someone or if she's much happier without me, more importantly I've made sure my friends and family know not to tell me **** about her because it will not help my recovery. I also remind myself that chemicals in my brain are part of what makes me feel the way I feel during this situation. This doesn't work all day but it definitely makes certain moments easier.

Another great quote I found along the way though I'm not sure who it's attributed to: "You can't make the same mistake twice, because the second time you make it, it's not a mistake, it's a choice." Remember, if you're ever considering breaking no contact, consider the consequences of what it can do to you. Most people in these forums can attest that breaking no contact doesn't end well. I've only known one person in my whole life that broke no contact successfully to get back into the relationship, and that relationship didn't last a second time.

I tried my hardest to get my cheating ex-wife from years ago to work things out with me, and every time I thought I was close I was met with broken promises of reconciliation and constant deflection that left me burnt out and broken. My more recent ex will not get the same from me. So always consider the worst what could happen, because you're going to either have to face whatever comes from it (which in my experience isn't good), or you're going to see that storm coming long before it hits and get as far away as you can. It's not easy, I'm still feeling it everyday. But I'm proud to say I'm doing what's right for myself.
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Old 23rd November 2018, 7:56 PM   #8
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Hi Endnote,
How are you doing now that a bit more time has passed? I really admire the way you池e handling yourself in this tough situation, and wish I could be half as strong as you are! Any further words of wisdom?
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Old 25th November 2018, 1:50 PM   #9
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Hi Charlierose30! Sorry for the late reply, I wasn't aware you had replied to this thread. So it's been 3 full months since the breakup today! Woohoo! Still no contact! The severe anxiety of the breakup has for the most part dissipated. The depression and nostalgia are still there but those things take more time than the feeling of being addicted to your ex. I was waking up almost every morning with a lot of anxiety, but I would generally think about the positive things in my life (I have a great job and a house and no connections left to my ex) and use my inner monologue to remind myself that this was a normal reaction and that in time I would be better.

I have not contacted her or made any attempt to find out what is going on in her life, that has generally been easy because I understand that it doesn't do me any good and the consequences of contact risk making things much worse for me emotionally. Someone (a friend that is my friend much more than hers) tried to tell me about my ex about 3 or 4 weeks ago and I shut that **** down immediately. Remember that no contact includes getting them out of your life completely. The only thing I have left in relation to my ex is my thoughts, so it makes it easier to deal with rather than surrounding myself with things that remind me of her.

I've reconnected with many of my friends, some that I was still close with before the breakup, others that I hadn't spoken to or seen in years. Because of that, I have managed to change my routine and I've made it a point to do something every weekend with my friends and/or family. I don't really talk about my breakup with them, I save that for therapy (which I would highly recommend if you have access to it), and my depression/anxiety support group (also highly recommend) I go to weekly. I don't find myself needing to talk about my breakup with those I'm close with. I do think about why things happened the way they did and what I could have done to change things. Whether or not I could have who knows. I know that I have an anxious attachment style and I know that I need to make a conscious decision in future relationships to concentrate on my own happiness rather than using my relationship to fuel my happiness.

Do I still love her and wish that we were together? Of course, you can't just let that **** go in a heartbeat. My previous relationship took me a good year to get over, though I did feel some indifference about 6 months in. So I'm hoping that timeline will be similar now. Based on that experience I'd say I'm doing much better 3 months in this time than I did years ago. Do I wish we could still be together or want to get back together? Emotionally, yes, but when those feelings pop up, again I remind myself consistently that it's merely nostalgia and that the relationship was clearly not healthy for me based on how it ended. If she were to get a hold of me (which would be pretty difficult since I have closed off communication channels by blocking her on social media/email and blocking her number in my phone), I don't know how I'd respond, which is why I've cutoff communication. I am still vulnerable in many ways and want to protect myself from any kind of bull**** manipulation or breadcrumbs on her part. I haven't changed my mind on that front and I'm glad I have stuck to my plan of STRICT no contact.

Have I started dating again? No. I'm not ready, and even doing something casual just isn't healthy for me and my attachment style. Being single and doing things for myself is the way to go, and I don't need someone right now to work on my happiness. I see a lot of people here on Loveshack dating after a week or two from a breakup and I think "are you f'in kidding me, you look desperate". Taking the time to heal (I'd say a minimum of 6 months for a LTR) and cultivate your own growth is much more beneficial than trying to find intimacy with someone else before truly healing from your heartbreak. That kinda **** is ridiculous and only serves to hurt other people, and yourself. Being single is fun. I can do what I want when I want without having to coordinate anything with anyone.

That's pretty much what I got. I'm much happier today than I was 3 months ago and I'm getting closer every day to finding contentment within myself. I feel very accomplished about sticking to my goal of no contact and concentrating on myself. It'll still be a while before I get to the point where I no longer care about my ex, I don't really wish her well, but I don't wish her ill either. I'm just willing to let life/karma do it's job and move on in a healthy manner. Remember, always consider the consequences of breaking no contact, and think about the worst thing that could happen as a result. That's probably what's going to happen. So stick to NC. Fully.
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Old 25th November 2018, 3:36 PM   #10
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Endnote, I just saw this thread. I had read one of your posts on another thread and I actually took a screenshot because it really helped me to feel better. It was on the thread about not coping about your ex dating someone new. Somehow hearing how others are successfully coping or have coped gives me the motivation to keep going.

I totally agree with the things that you say here. As someone who has done NC before successfully (meaning it helped me to heal from a terrible relationship that nearly destroyed my self esteem), I know it's the right thing to do and the thing that will help me heal again. But it still sucks majorly. There aren't really any shortcuts. In a sense, NC is a shortcut, because staying in contact only prolongs the misery.

Please keep updating. I know as you start getting better you need to be on here less and less, but I definitely get something out of your posts.
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Old 26th November 2018, 11:01 PM   #11
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@nolanola well that makes me happy to know that some of what I said helped you out. This is my second major end to a LTR, and you're right as you said in your own thread, NC doesn't really get easier. But holding yourself accountable to NC does! Generally, if I even think about contacting my ex I usually just go straight to the NC guide on this forum, but that doesn't really happen, I'm too aware of the consequences. If she really wanted to get a hold of me she's gonna have to move mountains to figure that out.

You were in a toxic relationship so you know that things can get better. I was too years ago, definitely taught me a lot about myself and boundaries in relationships, but I found out real quick that life can be perfectly fine on your own. I'm very motivated to continue NC because I value myself too much to want to give any amount of my own time to someone that doesn't deserve it. Stay strong!
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Old 26th November 2018, 11:24 PM   #12
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"Silence is golden"

Indeed. I learned this in the second week after she had started playing the victim and I had foolishly texted her "i miss you". Her response? "You don't get to do that. You hurt me. Badly. I mean it when I say I need time." Once i read that, i thought to myself, "what the hell? You dumped me. You called crying, begging and promising to try and repair the relationship so i gave it another shot only for you to tell me you don't want to try. so how did I hurt YOU??" This was after she tried to guilt me by saying i didn't care about her anymore. I came to the decision to remove her on social media. Boy did that piss her off. The next time i heard from her was 9 days later when she texted my number to pick a fight about using her netflix. i blocker her number after that and never looked back.

You give killer advice. I'll come back to this anytime i feel low.
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Old 24th December 2018, 6:28 PM   #13
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Well, tomorrow will be the 4 month mark of the day of my breakup and NC, I'd post tomorrow but I'll be busy with family know how it is. Things definitely get easier as time passes. September and October were brutal. I haven't had any trouble remaining in NC, but grieving the relationship has been tough and at times it's very hard to avoid ruminating about the relationship or fantasizing about things working out. I've struggled with fantasizing often about my ex returning saying she made a mistake, or asking to get back together. I'm not saying that's what I want, but I do miss what we had. If she came back things wouldn't be the same and I wonder whether I could trust her ever again or that I wouldn't want to find someone else. I want to have the strength to, at the very least, remain relatively silent if that ever happens.

I've spent a lot of time reflecting on my divorce from 8 years ago, which changed how I existed in my relationship with my more recent ex. I've talked about it a bit on here, though not too much, but to compress the story, my ex-wife was a severe narcissist and getting out of that relationship took me quite a lot of work. When she and I started dating I was young and naive, but in my eyes she was a 10 in both personality and physical attraction. Very charming, very patronizing. When we first got together she had a liver transplant about 3 months in. Some people would have backed out but I stuck around because I was very attracted to her and it was the right thing to do. We got married after being together 2 1/2 years and during our marriage things fell apart quickly, and to make things more complicated she was in and out of the hospital. A few weeks after her last stint in the hospital while her and I were together, she started cheating on me with a guy she met through a group of friends. The details of that don't matter, ultimately I found out by checking her email (something I do not advocate doing, even if you're suspicious, you will either get hurt or feel like a fool), I spent the next two months trying to make things work, including ultimatums, grandiose gifts, threats of divorce (she refused to divorce me, I don't really understand that to this day).

I gave her one last ultimatum and she refused, so I proceeded with the divorce and NC. I didn't even know that no contact was a thing that has been defined and discussed over the years, I just stopped talking to her and getting rid of everything that was hers or related to her. She would try to breadcrumb me and contact me, I didn't respond and deferred to my lawyer whenever things came up that needed attending to. It was incredible the kind of things she would say or do, but I refused to cooperate and just moved on and enjoyed what I could while grieving the relationship.

About a year later our divorce finalized, and her health problems came to a head. Eventually she was in the hospital indefinitely for about a month or two, she passed away about a year after the last time I saw her in person and spoke to her at all. It was crazy, I felt nothing for her, and she was already so dead to me that I felt perfectly fine with the situation. I never felt like she deserved to die, but I'll admit I was perfectly happy with her being gone. She couldn't hurt me or manipulate me anymore. It was closure I didn't think I would ever have. I met my recent ex about two months later. Obviously things lasted for 7 years but I still struggled with resentment towards my ex-wife and the pain of being cheated on always remained in my mind, and drove some of my anxiety that affected my relationship with my more recent ex, and is still something I still struggle with to this day. That said, I've found ways of thinking that have helped me cope and to increase my own self value. I've also done things that help as well:

Exercise. Exercise. Exercise. I was already doing this before the breakup but now I don't skip days, and I mix up my training to avoid getting complacent.

Consider that your ex is likely with someone else, that way if you find out you won't be surprised, even if they're telling you they're not (in my case I have no idea as I've been NC since day 1). Disappointed maybe, but you'll have been right all along! If they aren't dating anyone and are actually using this time to work on themselves outside of a relationship, well, much more power to them, because I've never seen this happen among my friends and family that broke up with someone.

Either join a depression/anxiety support group or get a therapist. The support group I attend is free and while it lacks the advantage of having a professional with experience in the field it does give you the opportunity to see different perspectives and find that you're not the only one going through emotional turmoil. Additionally people can tell you how they dealt with similar experiences.

Try not to hold an everlasting grudge against your ex for hurting you (though there might be some exceptions to how I feel about this). That kind of thinking can drive resentment that you might never let go of and will affect your life continually. That said, you don't necessarily have to forgive their behavior, but you have to at least try to let it go, even if that means letting go...every day for the rest of your life.

Use this board or others to help cope with what you're going through. Read the NC rules all the time, and watch youtube videos of people that define no contact as forever (or at least a close version of it). I've preferred The Art of Love with Lucia and Coach Craig Kenneth, maybe a couple of others too, though I generally don't listen to the stuff about getting your ex back. Those two have different styles but ultimately I prefer to listen to people who advocate staying in NC and using the time to better yourself and look inward to discover how to deal and heal your emotional demons.

I personally avoid talking to my family about it, they have not experienced the things I have and their advice is short-sighted. Most of them have good intentions but they just want me to move on as though my relationship never happened. The friends I talk to about it are the ones that have been through similar circumstances. They seem to understand the most, and are the ones I'll open up to outside of my support group.

I hope everyone can stay strong this holiday season, I know exactly what you're going through, but we can all outlast these difficult times, hopefully to find something better. I'm only 4 months in, still a ways to go, but if you knew me 8 years ago I'd say you'd be very impressed with how I am handling things now.
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Old 24th December 2018, 9:36 PM   #14
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Good to see you online Endnote! Your posts have always been helpful for me. I relate to a lot of what you said. Thanks for sharing the story of your marriage. I have been thinking a lot about how I have not yet dealt with scars from old relationships and how that might have affected how I behaved in my most recent situation. As I have alluded to in other posts, I was involved for about 6 years off and on with an addict who was emotionally and occasionally physically abusive towards me. It took me a very long time to break free from him and when I did, I went through a lot to get to the point where I did not want him back or want to talk to him. But I'm not sure I ever dealt with how our relationship affected me long term. I don't have good boundaries and have trouble sticking up for myself. I don't trust easily and am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I think there is a lot of work to do to clear out the residual from my previous relationships. This is something I've been thinking about in regards to my ex as well. He was pretty recently divorced when we got together, although they had been in the process of the divorce for a while. I wonder sometimes how that affected him and his approach to me. It's still hard for me to think of him with someone else and it hurts.
Like you, I think about the "what ifs" sometimes, but it gets a tiny bit less over time. I try not to think in terms of "forever" because no one knows what the future holds. I try to think about what is best for me today and what I deserve. I know I deserve to be with someone that knows they want to be with me.
Congratulations on making it to 4 months. I'm at almost 8 weeks this week and it has gotten easier. Still bothers me a lot some days, but it really does get less and less.
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Old 24th December 2018, 11:19 PM   #15
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I am officially one month in of NC with my ex who after 6 months and a miscarriage left me for her ex, who she told me was emotionally and physically abusive. Not all the time, mainly one time, but in my eyes thats one time to many.

Anyways, I just read this thread tonight and man you have all my respect. I basically went NC a week after our break up. The only contact I had with her was an email basically telling her that her dishonesty was not ok and that its sad she doesn't have the self respect to get over someone who treated her so horribly. Other than that, I have blocked her and maintained radio silence. It is SO hard, and I still think maybe she'll contact me. But I've already told myself I will never give her another chance. You don't drop someone you say you love and go back to an ex 3 days later. That just doesn't fly with me and I have finally given myself the respect I deserve. I'm worth more than that.

What helped me in this situation is reminding myself that her decision has more to do with whats going on with her and nothing to do with me. My value isn't defined by her bad decisions.

Stay strong everyone! There is someone out there that WILL appreciate you.
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