Brutal Blowoff: My Story of Tragedy and (at least some) Triumph

[Mac0908]

Before you bash me, I ask that you read and try to understand.

 

I've officially reached the 90% point of being healed. An amazing point where I can honestly say that if I never heard from her again I wouldn't be upset and a point where I can say I've learned from what happened and have become a better person because of it. However, bc of this milestone in my healing process, something else interesting has happened. I have thought about the small possibility of reaching out with nothing to lose, just to SEE what it might accomplish. Allow me to explain, as the backstory I will sum up as easily as I can for you all in cliff notes:

 

-Dated for a great 2 months with absolutely no issues and amazing chemistry that I never experienced before with a girl, even moreso than my one previous LTR in my life. Felt like something very special. Treated her like gold, she appreciated every bit of it. After years and years of online dating, I finally thought this was going to become something.

 

-She blew me off out of nowhere for a long term ex that came back in the picture that she wasn't over. It was one of the most shocking and devastating moments of my life. She noted several times it had absolutely nothing to do with me, that I was an amazing guy, that she was only doing this bc of the history with the ex. Told me she would probably always regret doing it.

 

-Comes back the next DAY saying she may have made a terrible decision and that her ex treated her poorly on their first night back out.

 

-Over the course of the next few days, I basically but pressure on her and imply that I want no part of this drama, and that if she did make a mistake, prove it to me and blow off the ex, come back to me and we'll pick this up. Regardless of her continuing to communicate that she did want a second chance, she says she feels she ruined everything and how she'd simply feel too much pressure. I tell her things would be fine, but it never mattered. Basically she wanted me on a back burner while she saw things through with the ex.

 

-She continues to go push/pull on me for the next week or so before I send one final long text asking what the deal is. I know I should have just backed off completely, but seeing as how strongly I felt for this girl, and how we got along so well, I truly felt I needed to go a bit far to try and save this. She said she is ending it with her ex "soon" but still feels things would be problematic for us going forward. I tell her ok, I accept that. She says she would still like to use the museum exhibit tickets with me sometime (My Christmas gift to her). It was clear that this girl just did not want to let me go, but I was done. I went into No contact.

 

-3 days later, I find her back on the dating site we met on, new pic and all. She ended it with her ex after all, but went back to ONLINE dating. I was devastated again, but I also wasn't shocked. She was in no position to return to me in my head. My therapist also called this move of hers an "Escape" for her as nobody in her mindset should ever be really ready to run out and seriously date again.

 

-2 days after that, she TEXTS me trying to make absolute BS small talk about some movie. I give a cold response and go back to No contact. Figured if a day ever came where she wanted to reach out in the right way and maybe go to the museum, we'd see.

 

-No contact for 10 days and I notice she deletes our 2 photos from her social media

 

-Then it happened... A few days after that she posts a photo of herself ALONE at the museum exhibit, on a social media site I STILL follow her on. I was hurt, and disgusted. Felt like it was some bizarre final twisting of the knife to get attention, or she simply had zero consideration for my feelings.

 

-I text her saying "Wow" and she says "I haven't heard from you so I went alone. Do you want you ticket back?". I wrote "Haven't heard? You told me you're still involved with an ex and then I see you back on a dating site a few days later. I moved on.". She says "I ended it with my ex yesterday, but i told you, i think things would be too hard with us". I then wrote "Take care" and that was that. Deleted this confused attention seeking drama queen from all social media.

 

After that has been 1.5 months of no contact which as hard as it was, I knew it had to be done.

 

Now you're probably wondering, why in the world would I ever want to break no contact and try and reach out to this monkey branching woman who technically dumped YOU? Well for starters, even though it should always be the DUMPER who reaches back out to the DUMPEE, I don't think its that cut and dry in this situation. She may have dumped me/blew me off, but she initially came back. Feelings were still there. Just like they were even 2 weeks later when she still said she'd like to do the museum exhibit with me sometime. She NEVER wanted to truly let me go. Even though I'm not upset about it in the slightest, I did put pressure on her which was the wrong move. I pushed her away a bit. Everything was just crazy in those few weeks and emotions were running sky high. In that final sequence where she posted that pic on her social media I got aggressive with her and deleted her from my social media. I'm thinking there are still feelings in her heart somewhere, but she figures its probably better leaving well enough alone. She also probably thinks I absolutely hate her guts after I called her out on the museum photo and all her bull****, and then followed by deleting her on social media.

 

Now in conclusion, just hear me out...

 

I'm 33 years old. Short of a few dead end flings, I've been single since January of 2012. It took me 6 years of being in this brutal dating scene to come across and date someone I felt something as strong as I felt for this girl. These were the greatest 2 months of the last 6 years. I think many of us on here know just HOW hard that feeling is to find. How it could possibly be ANOTHER 6 years before I find that feeling again. In my eyes, I have nothing to lose. But in my heart you might ask, what do I feel? I feel that there IS in fact a chance that maybe, just maybe, she'll be thrilled to hear from me and that maybe, just maybe she always wanted to reach back out, but as I alluded to earlier, was just scared to, and figured this was too much of a mess to ever return to. This text by me would be nothing more than "helping" her a bit, in the event that she ever DID want to talk. That she ever DID want to possibly apologize. Nothing. To. Lose. If she doesn't respond I wouldn't care. If it goes nowhere I wouldn't budge. The plan?... Her birthday is in a few weeks. I think that might be the opportunity for me to execute this.

 

This really is just something my heart feels like it has to do, as weird and cliche as that may sound. This was a very interesting and unique situation. She was wrong, yes, but she was never malicious. Things got messy. Timing was awful. Things were handled incorrectly. Of course a huge part of me feels to just stick to NC. Stick to my guns. Hold onto my dignity. To move on with my life like I've been doing and see if a day ever comes where SHE possibly does reach out and apologize in some capacity. But another part of me feels like this really is also an ok thing to do.

 

I really hope to get everyone else's insight....

Edited March 14, 2018 by Mac0908

[Marc878]

You were just a rebound.

 

If you got that wrapped up in someone in two months you probably get some IC help.

 

Stay NC

[Mac0908]

You were just a rebound.

 

If you got that wrapped up in someone in two months you probably get some IC help.

 

Stay NC

 

Gee, thanks. Way to make me feel ok.

 

And newsflash... if you date several times a week and talk to someone day in and day out for 2 MONTHS (not 2 weeks, not 2 days), you CAN in fact develop way more feelings than you might know. But truth is, you probably don't know, hence your hurtful comment.

[Marc878]

Gee, thanks. Way to make me feel ok.

 

And newsflash... if you date several times a week and talk to someone day in and day out for 2 MONTHS (not 2 weeks, not 2 days), you CAN in fact develop way more feelings than you might know. But truth is, you probably don't know, hence your hurtful comment.

 

She was out of a fresh relationship. This happens all the time. That's why it's wise to stay away from anyone fresh out of a breakup. This had nothingt To do with you

 

You'll be fine long term just stay NC.

 

You can't fix this

[Mac0908]

She never told me she just got out of a long term relationship. That was the other part of this entire story.

[Marc878]

I wouldn't put to much effort in worrying about this. Don't spend a lot of effort on things you have no control over.

 

acceot the hard truth and learn from it.

 

File that experience for future use.

[PRW]

Before you bash me, I ask that you read and try to understand.

 

Ok I did.

 

But you screwed up so much in this that I don't know where to start.

 

1. Treated her like gold? You pedestalized her. That put her "above" you, further stated you were "below" her, "unworthy" of her. You gave her all the power,...and she used it.

 

2. You got involved with a rebound woman without being willing to acknowledge that she would have already had more emotions invested in the Ex from their time together then she would have in you in such a short time. If you get in a tug of war with the Ex you will always loose, and will usually find yourself on the back burner as she tries to hold you in reserve "just in case" she needs you. And that is exactly what happened.

 

3. Everything from that point on was one example after another of you being butt-hurt and "uncentered" in your masculinity. That is completely unattractive to women. It is one of the biggest turn-offs you can commit.

 

4. At the end you said, "This really is just something my heart feels like it has to do,..." Well that is not the kind of thing a man that is attractive to women would say. That is a very feminine thing to say. You have got to get this way of thinking out of your head,...it is very important. But on a good note, at least you posted this in a forum where you can get feedback on it.

 

I'm not trying to beat up on you. I'm pointing these things out to make you aware so you might be able to fix some of these behavors.

 

These videos are a guy reading email that clients sent him and he comments on what they did wrong.

 

Making Her Choose You Over Her Ex

 

She Still Loves Her Ex?

 

Approval Seeking Beta Male

 

This last one is unique in that the email was from a woman that devorced her husband but couldn't exlain it to him at the time. She called her Ex a boring beta male, hence the title. It is a real eyeopener in to the mind of a woman. It is also an eyeopener to how a man not holding to his masculinity ended up destroying his family.

 

Boring Beta Male

Edited March 15, 2018 by PRW

[PRW]

Gee, thanks. Way to make me feel ok.

 

...develop way more feelings than you might know. But truth is, you probably don't know, hence your hurtful comment.

 

This response you gave to MAC0908 is another type of feminine comment, and an example of acting butt-hurt. You've got to get a handle on this. If you don't every woman you meet is going to treat you as a doormat.

 

Again, not beating up on you,...just trying to be straight with you.

[CantTakeMySmile]

I think many of us have felt this exact same feeling

 

We all think our situation is special, be it a month or twenty years. When you feel it, you feel it

 

With that being said, I feel like there are two distinct groups of people. When they get to the point you are, they even give in ( because on their mind, or can’t hurt any worse), or they keep moving on

 

I have done both. I get to that point, and I THINK it is alright

But I am not. And I have been in the spot that you keep no contact and just wonder.

 

I can’t answer what you should do. Maybe read other people’s experiences here and see how they felt after.

 

You do you and if it will make you happy then see where she is. Though, I think if her heart was with you, nothing would keep her away. But why wait! It isn’t a game that needs to be played. No need for a reason (birthday). Just do it and don’t overthink

 

Let us know how it turns out.

[todreaminblue]

you know the full story these few paragraphs you have posted don't give it....not two months of seeing each other.....there are things you know we dont about you about her separately and together in seeing each other........you are the person to offer yourself the best advice on what to do ......in your heart you know this is true what is harder is to take your own advice thats in your heart.... that's fact...... so what i want to know is this....

 

if someone talked to you about exactly the same situation knowing what you know in deeper context of the situation, what would you honestly advise them to do ....and say it from your heart.....for me here.....please.......i want to read where your head and heart are.....deb

[Mac0908]

This response you gave to MAC0908 is another type of feminine comment, and an example of acting butt-hurt. You've got to get a handle on this. If you don't every woman you meet is going to treat you as a doormat.

 

Again, not beating up on you,...just trying to be straight with you.

 

Hey Coach Corey, Mystery, or whatever you'd like to be called. Please keep your passive aggressive "You're not a real man!" type comments to yourself or take them to another PUA forum that I'm sure you're already on. No need for them here dude.

 

Fortunately though, I'll give you some credit where credit is due. I AM guilty of being a little feminine in the way I handled things while trying to save the relationship with this girl. Not holding that back. it's true. I slipped up and was anything but masculine at certain times. Doesn't mean it would have changed a thing IMO. I don't think she was ever REALLY coming back to me after she drastically left me for her ex. As far as treating her like gold, give it a rest. I treated a woman very nicely who was showing me the same. She was treating me to dinners, cooking me dinner, commuting an hour to stay at my place every weekend, etc. Maybe you think I was treating her like gold in an "AFC" manner like buying her roses on every date or love bombing her 2 weeks in.

[Mac0908]

you know the full story these few paragraphs you have posted don't give it....not two months of seeing each other.....there are things you know we dont about you about her separately and together in seeing each other........you are the person to offer yourself the best advice on what to do ......in your heart you know this is true what is harder is to take your own advice thats in your heart.... that's fact...... so what i want to know is this....

 

if someone talked to you about exactly the same situation knowing what you know in deeper context of the situation, what would you honestly advise them to do ....and say it from your heart.....for me here.....please.......i want to read where your head and heart are.....deb

 

This is a really good post bc it explains what we don't think about most of the time. Before we bash or before we even give *nice* advice, the reality is all of us don't TRULY know every detail of a situation. Maybe a quick story involving a few texts or one date is one thing, but 2 jam packed months and communicating with someone every single day, I agree, is another.

 

To answer your question, this girl truly hurt me. ANY OTHER woman pulled something like this she'd be in the garbage to me so fast that I wouldn't remember her name. I worked hard in this 1.5 months to heal and get to this nothing to lose mindset. A huge part of me just says leave well enough alone. That being said, I am 33, not 23, not 13. I've been dating nonstop for 6 years. I know what real feelings are. I know what's real and what's not. I know what a "rebound" relationship is and what a textbook rebound relationship is.

 

The honest truth that I would tell to someone else is I'm not sure. That's how hard this situation is. I wish that last sequence where I got mad at her and deleted her from all social media didn't happen, bc then it would be simple. She's the dumper and there were no other gray areas. She would have to be the one to reach out and that's that. But as with so many things in my life, it's hard to figure out what to do.

[Mac0908]

You do you and if it will make you happy then see where she is. Though, I think if her heart was with you, nothing would keep her away. But why wait! It isn’t a game that needs to be played. No need for a reason (birthday). Just do it and don’t overthink

 

Let us know how it turns out.

 

Well said, and I know if her heart was truly with me she'd be back no matter what, but I understand enough to know that she didn't like me nearly as much as I liked her. But she still liked me, to a fairly significant degree. There was an overwhelming amount of evidence to support that. She didn't have strong enough feelings to come back again, but my issue is debating whether or not I should "help" her just to feel it out this one and only time before closing the book on her forever, as if it technically isn't already.

Edited March 15, 2018 by Mac0908

[springy]

She told you twice that she didn't see things working between the two of you. She never returned in the getting back together sense, she simply resumed communication with you after the breakup. She went back on dating sites. You have not heard from her since. I'm sorry but I don't see the interest on her end.

 

You are 33 - how old is she?

 

I get that you must do what you must do, but I would suggest remaining nc and getting 100% over her.

[Mac0908]

She told you twice that she didn't see things working between the two of you. She never returned in the getting back together sense, she simply resumed communication with you after the breakup. She went back on dating sites. You have not heard from her since. I'm sorry but I don't see the interest on her end.

 

You are 33 - how old is she?

 

I get that you must do what you must do, but I would suggest remaining nc and getting 100% over her.

 

As much as you may disagree, it's just not that simple. It's not that cut and dry. The girl was all over the place, simply not ready to jump back into anything with me. It would have been a tremendous amount of pressure for her but at the same time she never wanted to truly let me go, hence her continuous push/pull, much of which I didn't detail. Glorified back burner status so to speak. After her first time of explaining that she didn't see things working out, she immediately followed up with saying she'd like to see me sometime. That's not a blowoff. That's someone who's confused. Someone who is torn. The second time was more firm but there were still asterisks next to that one as well. Was she super interested in me? No, she wasn't. But there was interest. Problem was it was interest she just couldn't explore at the time IMHO. Also she's going on 28.

 

Appreciate the response very much.

[PRW]

Hey Coach Corey, Mystery, or whatever you'd like to be called. Please keep your passive aggressive "You're not a real man!" type comments to yourself or take them to another PUA forum that I'm sure you're already on. No need for them here dude.

 

Again, extremely defensive. That is one of the roots of your problem. You have to get a handle on that. You knew some of us were going to be hard on you,...look at what you wrote in the very first line of your first post.

 

BTW - I'm not Corey (and the real Corey is not a PUA). I will post links to anyone's video or article if I think it will communicate what I am trying to say more efficiently than I can. But he is really good, so a lot of them are his.

 

Fortunately though, I'll give you some credit where credit is due. I AM guilty of being a little feminine in the way I handled things while trying to save the relationship with this girl. Not holding that back. it's true. I slipped up and was anything but masculine at certain times.

 

Then I made some headway. I'll take it.

 

Doesn't mean it would have changed a thing IMO. I don't think she was ever REALLY coming back to me after she drastically left me for her ex.

 

Correct. I don't think the existing situation is salvageable. I'm just trying to give you some rails to stay between to avoid it happening again with the next one.

 

You may resist and not agree with me now,...but when you are with the next woman and things start to go wrong,...you WILL will remember some of the things that PRW guy said that you didn't like at the time.

Edited March 15, 2018 by PRW

[Mac0908]

I never said you were wrong. I understand the "Game" and how to handle women for the most part, and I admit I slipped up a bit after the blowoff, but as you even noted, it didn't matter at that particular point. During the 2 months however everything was fine and I was doing everything right. I had no idea the monsoon that was about to turn my world upside down. I wasn't prepared for it. Most people wouldn't have been. Hell, the morning before she was already talking about our next hangout in detail. I still think it would have been near impossible to just walk away after she pulled what she pulled.

 

All I was saying to you personally was take it easy with your passive aggressive remarks. Lord knows I don't need them right now after a hard 1.5 months of healing from getting completely blindsided and hurt by this woman. Maybe you've never been there so you can't relate, I don't know.

 

Now, you're saying you don't think the existing situation is fixable AT ALL. Even though you don't know every single detail and true feelings about each individual involved, would you care to elaborate? Do you at least acknowledge that Corey Wayne's teaching of "The dumper always has to be the one to reach back out" doesn't truly apply here bc of the circumstances of what took place in the end?

Edited March 15, 2018 by Mac0908

[springy]

So it sounds like your mind is made up. What do you think you'll say?

[todreaminblue]

This is a really good post bc it explains what we don't think about most of the time. Before we bash or before we even give *nice* advice, the reality is all of us don't TRULY know every detail of a situation. Maybe a quick story involving a few texts or one date is one thing, but 2 jam packed months and communicating with someone every single day, I agree, is another.

 

To answer your question, this girl truly hurt me. ANY OTHER woman pulled something like this she'd be in the garbage to me so fast that I wouldn't remember her name. I worked hard in this 1.5 months to heal and get to this nothing to lose mindset. A huge part of me just says leave well enough alone. That being said, I am 33, not 23, not 13. I've been dating nonstop for 6 years. I know what real feelings are. I know what's real and what's not. I know what a "rebound" relationship is and what a textbook rebound relationship is.

 

The honest truth that I would tell to someone else is I'm not sure. That's how hard this situation is. I wish that last sequence where I got mad at her and deleted her from all social media didn't happen, bc then it would be simple. She's the dumper and there were no other gray areas. She would have to be the one to reach out and that's that. But as with so many things in my life, it's hard to figure out what to do.

 

 

im glad my post was appreciated by you...thankyou....

 

 

first off i would like to say i have read your responses to other posters as well...you have your head screwed on ..you know how you want to be treated and what you cant handle..your heart...well it is with her....and hearts are stubborn creatures who test the integrity of your staying power and capacity to love....my son often gets angry with me when he offer me advice on what i need to do in situation that he sees cut and dry without context.....and i say to him ...i see what you are saying but.......what about when you were in a similar situation and you expected exactly the opposite reaction or resolution from me....people can offer you advice......and you can decide for yourself what is helpful what is not what doesnt fit the whole context you know to be true....in the words and things you dont say or havent got time to say....realize advice is often unintentionally full of bias and its not the persons fault ...they have struggled just like you.....and its human nature to have personal bias......we arent judges or bishops or priests....on the job its hard to be neutral and objective....when advice given is basically unless you pray to god...hardly enlightened...but often full of personal trial and error.......

 

maybe its a mistake for you to think theres a chance ....maybe your heart knows better than your head.....you know what is most important it has to be your mistake to make or not make ...your decision and you are not wrong to make a mistake....its necessary to grow,..just as important as success is failure........

 

personally when my heart is with someone....it can take the hugest bashing.....the love wont change...that is what love is...immovable ...long lasting...often never goes away.....some people can wait for love for years for that chance and sometimes it works out ...and sometimes it doesnt...love is not a guarantee of success.....

 

you have to decide if this woman ....is worth the risk.....to you...greater loves.....are always worth the risk .......love is never trouble free.....or perfect...its as flawed as we are....but...it does last....and it can take hits...if it is true love.....i wish you well my friend......take any advice....and use what touches you......discard...worthless irrelevant or degrading thoughts....i hope honestly.....that you have an amazing love one day....with this woman another...just stay true...and honest...i wish you well...deb

[Mac0908]

It's not made up at all, Springy. I'm really leaning more towards not doing it, but there is a small chance, which is why I came here for input.

[PRW]

I had no idea the monsoon that was about to turn my world upside down. I wasn't prepared for it. Most people wouldn't have been.

 

Correct. You can't expect to expect it. But a guy can learn to understand it so that he isn't leveled by it.

 

Maybe you've never been there so you can't relate, I don't know.

 

I've been getting in trouble with women since before you were born. I can even get a senior citizen discount in some places now

 

Now, you're saying you don't think the existing situation is fixable AT ALL. Even though you don't know every single detail and true feelings about each individual involved, would you care to elaborate?

 

It has just gone too far. Both parties are never going to forget the responses that the other gave to them during the process. It would haunt the relationship forever. A clean slate is not possible. Most likely she also will fail with her Ex for the same reasons they failed the first time and the responses they gave to each other back then will continue to haunt them as well.

 

To start clean, you have to start with someone new.

Oh,...and watch less "love story" movies. They are written by writers that don't have a clue. You soul is safer watching movies where everyone is just shooting each other, at least they are more realistic.

[Mac0908]

 

It has just gone too far. Both parties are never going to forget the responses that the other gave to them during the process. It would haunt the relationship forever. A clean slate is not possible.

 

So I'm absolutely not intending to debate or fight or ruffle feathers, and not that I'm definitely texting her by any means, but I tend to disagree with your above statement, at least slightly, and at least in general.

 

What do you mean responses we said to each other? She certainly never yelled or put me down in anyway. Neither did I. She may have blown me off, but she was never malicious or a b-tch. Deceitful yes. A bit of a manipulator yes. Immature yes.

 

The blowoff was bad no doubt, but there were never any real argumentative responses, never a curse word uttered, and nobody was ever degraded or put down. Trust me, I know what bad is, I've experienced hellacious back and forths with a woman, and this wasn't it.

 

The only REAL scar that is on us that could "haunt" us for at least a while, and this is coming from me, WAS the actual blowoff she pulled. The fact that she left me for her ex in such a drastic/out of nowhere fashion. There would absolutely need to be, if ever, a SLOWWWWW slow build back into anything, theoretically speaking. Some form of a conversation with a nice ending would have to take place before we would even ever see each other again. You don't just jump back into something with someone after that, even if it is a couple of months later now.

 

But to say its completely 100% unfixable... Even from a general standpoint, I personally disagree. We dated for 2 months. Were never official. Did things get emotional and messy? Absolutely. But they didn't get insane. Real cheating, violence, LOUD arguments with degradation, now those are grounds for haunting.

Edited March 15, 2018 by Mac0908

[DontBreakEven]

You say she never "truly wanted to let you go". Nowhere in this do I read that. People who don't truly want to let you go ... don't. They also don't say "it would be too hard for us" or whatever she kept saying. I would NEVER say that to someone I had strong feelings for and wanted to be with. Would you? I think not.

 

I think you're still stuck in the denial phase.

[todreaminblue]

a clean slate is always possible...you both would have to work hard though and be willing to let go of what was to build anew...and it can be done....you need to go back to the start.....and as i said both be willing.....to do this..it wont be easy mac.....but i dont feel you expect it to be easy.......deb

[PRW]

I tend to disagree with your above statement, at least slightly, and at least in general.

 

I'm just a nameless, faceless, old guy in a web forum on the internet.

 

Time will show where it ends up.