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Did he ever even care about me?


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I dated a guy last year and we fell in love. I am insecure and he knows that. Despite that, He once said 'the main difference between you and my other girl mates is that we have sex'. I was upset by that so he apologised and claimed he meant that a sexual relationship comes second to a friendship, he just didn't explain that very well. I was really hurt so I warned him that I would break up with him if he said more stuff like that.

 

A couple moths later when we went out, he said to me that one of my friends who was there was 'sexy', and I got really pissed off. He claimed he didn't fancy her and was just making an observation about how she was dressed. He was really apologetic and he freaked out that I was gona break up with him. He got kinda needy and texted me a lot over the next few weeks, often saying he loved me but I didn't say it back. I began to feel a real distance from him.

 

2 weeks later it was his birthday and I was supposed to stay at his after a night out, but I rang him and told him I was going to stay with my friend instead as she was having a personal crisis. He didn't seem very bothered about it at all. He rang me the next night and said that he wanted me to stay with him and thought it was weird that I didn't want to. I told him that I felt a distance from him, and he said that he didn't want to lose me.

 

When we went out, he was acting kinda weird, and I felt a bit like he didn't wana talk to me. When it was time to leave he wanted me to come back with him but when I said I was still gona go to my friend's house, he again didn't seem very bothered so I got annoyed. We had a long talk the next day and I told him I didn't know where my head was at with it, and I was still feeling distant from him. He said he knew that he got a bit needy and that it isn't attractive, and suggested we have some space for a week or two, but that ultimately he wanted it to work. the thing is, his actual birthday was that week and we were meant to have dinner with his parents. I thought it was best I didn't come. He said he really wanted me to, but accepted how I felt.

 

On his birthday I sent him a text in the morning. He replied but seemed kinda pissed off. Later in the day I texted I hope he had a good day. He said I was still welcome to come to dinner if I wanted. I texted him saying I felt really low that I couldn't see him or give him his present, but I still felt it was best I didn't come. Again, he didn't seem like he cared that much and just said that there's no need to feel low, and that he'd see me soon. I felt kinda upset that he wasn't more annoyed.

 

We carried on with the space thing, during which I blocked him on social media a couple times, but he didn't seem to notice. I also put up a few cryptic fb statuses about my ex to bait him but he obviously wasn't checking my facebook. I was doing a charity thing the next weekend and he texted me to say he donated some money and that hopefully he'd see me the following weekend. I didn't think we were gona leave it three weeks so it seemed like he didn't really care enough to see me. I was angry so I didn't reply to his texts arranging to meet up for a few days. He got really annoyed and texted me saying he was going to 'take a rain check' on meeting up because I was 'playing silly games'. This really annoyed me so I rang him and told him that I was going to break up with him anyway and he said he could tell, and that I was going about it in the wrong way. Again, he didn't seem bothered, but he said he was, just that he'd had time to consider that this would be the outcome. I started crying cos I felt really bad about breaking up with him. I said it wasn't him, it was me and I was really stressed out with work and not in the place I thought I was after my previous boyfriend. He didn't even try to persuade me to stay with him, and just accepted it! Even when I asked him what he would've said he just said it didn't matter!

 

I noticed a few days later that he unfollowed me on IG and I felt really confused about it so I deleted him on Facebook. I sent him his birthday present in the post 2 weeks later and he texted me to thank me for it, and told me he was going travelling for 3 months! Why didn't he care enough to stick around and fight for me and try to get me back? Did he ever even care about me?

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Personally, I’ve been where you are and when you date while dealing with insecurities, you’re in self-sabotage mode. You played games to provoke emotional reactions because you needed it to feel secure. At some point the other person is going to catch up on your motives and get to a point of frustration and soon enough tire of the manipulative games.

 

I’m sure he cared about you. It seems like he was trying to include you in his life. You seem to have been shutting down. That whole “fight for me” is game playing. You broke up in hopes you’d get an emotional response and it backfired. No one should have to beg you to be in relationship, especially one that you were clearly resisting.

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hippychick3

He was tired of all the game playing. No guy wants to put up with that. No girl is worth it.

 

The best thing you can do is to work on your self-esteem so you don’t have to resort to manipulations and silly game playing to get a man’s attention and love.

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Personally, I’ve been where you are and when you date while dealing with insecurities, you’re in self-sabotage mode. You played games to provoke emotional reactions because you needed it to feel secure. At some point the other person is going to catch up on your motives and get to a point of frustration and soon enough tire of the manipulative games.

 

I’m sure he cared about you. It seems like he was trying to include you in his life. You seem to have been shutting down. That whole “fight for me” is game playing. You broke up in hopes you’d get an emotional response and it backfired. No one should have to beg you to be in relationship, especially one that you were clearly resisting.

 

but if he cared why wouldn't he just do more to reassure me that he did?

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but if he cared why wouldn't he just do more to reassure me that he did?

 

It's exhausting to deal with someone that needs assurances and comes off from a place of insecurity.

 

From what you wrote, it seems that he was trying to appease you and work around you. He was trying to include you and show that he wanted to be around/with you but you kept resisting.

 

It takes TWO people to keep a relationship going. You can't expect one person to keep chasing you while you play emotionally manipulative games because you're testing a person's commitment to you. That's unhealthy and most times sabotages a relationship.

 

Work on your self-esteem. Maybe you should put dating aside for now and figure out your demons.

Edited by Zahara
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He didn't do more to reassure you because to him it felt like a one way street. For heaven's sake you blew the man off on his birthday. You said you were feeling low. So what? On HIS birthday you should have been a good GF, sucked it up & gone to dinner. Had he blown you off on your birthday you would have gone off the rails.

 

 

You need to treat people the way you want to be treated. You treated him like his whole function in life was to make you feel better, to boost your self esteem. It doesn't work that way. You have to be your own best cheerleader.

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He didn't do more to reassure you because to him it felt like a one way street. For heaven's sake you blew the man off on his birthday. You said you were feeling low. So what? On HIS birthday you should have been a good GF, sucked it up & gone to dinner. Had he blown you off on your birthday you would have gone off the rails.

 

 

You need to treat people the way you want to be treated. You treated him like his whole function in life was to make you feel better, to boost your self esteem. It doesn't work that way. You have to be your own best cheerleader.

 

Yeah ok but he was the one who suggested we take some space. He didn't seem that bothered that I didn't want to come anyway...

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Then maybe it's best that you are now apart.

 

Dating is like a try out. If it's not working move on to somebody else.

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Yeah ok but he was the one who suggested we take some space. He didn't seem that bothered that I didn't want to come anyway...

 

You were supposed to stay for his birthday - you chose to be with your friend. He likely didn't say anything because 1) he was annoyed 2) was trying to be accommodating 3) didn't know how to react, etc. Just because he didn't give you the response YOU wanted, it does not mean he wasn't bothered by you not wanting to be there. It was probably hurtful to him. He may not have wanted to show it.

 

He then rang you the next night and asked you to stay with him and you declined. You told him he was being distant and he assured you he didn't want to lose you. If someone wanted to be distant, they wouldn't be asking you to be with them and tell you they didn't want to lose you.

 

You then went out with him and he asked you to go back with him and again, you chose your friend.

 

Then you tell him you don't know where your head is, etc. At this point he likely asked for space because he was probably very confused by your behavior and needed time and distance to figure things out. I'm sure he was also fearful of getting hurt. I don't blame him. You're all over the place.

 

On his birthday, he invited you again to have dinner with his parents and you declined, again. This would have been the perfect opportunity to come together and get things back on track but again, you chose to resist and play games.

 

Later in the day, he invited you again and you declined and said you felt low. Again, more games. I'm not sure why you keep saying he wasn't bothered because he kept trying to break the ice with you.

 

It's time you take responsibility for your actions and stop expecting others to appease your insecurities and demands. Too much drama. The emotional neediness and dependence on your part is exhausting.

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Fight for you? What kind of nonsense movies have you been watching?

 

Look, your bf had roaming eyes and isn't the least bit ready to settle down. He may love you as much as he's able at this stage in his life, but it's not any mature "I want to make a family with and take care of this woman the rest of my life" love. He's just trying to have a good time.

 

His boundaries are bad talking to you about looking at other women all the time. I mean, that IS what platonic m/f friends do, but once one is romantically involved, there's a thing called boundaries and consideration and everyone needs to stuff their pie hole about whatever sexy thoughts are running through their head about other people when they're supposed to be working at being committed to one.

 

It was only a matter of time before you caught this guy having sex with one of your friends, and I have been there, and it is awful because you lose two people at once, so if I were you, I'd let this go and realize his love didn't run as deep as his lust, and it was pretty easy for him to move on to the next.

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but if he cared why wouldn't he just do more to reassure me that he did?

 

At a certain point, he probably got tired of it. It's draining to be with someone like that. Even as a friend. I have a friend like that. It's exhausting because she constantly reads into things and needs reassurance that I'm her friend.

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You told him he was being distant and he assured you he didn't want to lose you.[/b] If someone wanted to be distant, they wouldn't be asking you to be with them and tell you they didn't want to lose you.

 

He wasn't being distant, he was being a bit too overattentive in trying to make it up to me that he'd hurt my feelings. I felt like I needed to pull away from him.

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He wasn't being distant, he was being a bit too overattentive in trying to make it up to me that he'd hurt my feelings. I felt like I needed to pull away from him.

 

When he chases you, you pull away. Then when he pulls away/doesn't give you the response you want, he's accused of not fighting for you.

 

He called it when he said he was tired of you playing "silly games" -- it's very apparent you withhold and resist when you don't get the response you want. Then you turn it around and blame the other for not doing enough or saying enough. Seems like he could never win.

Edited by Zahara
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Well I guess I'm just a terrible person then...

 

There you go again. This passive aggressive method of dealing with situations isn’t helping you. Don’t play the victim.

 

No one has ever said you’re a terrible person but that you need to work on your self-esteem and find ways to overcome/manage your insecurities. Dating while you’re feeling this way isn’t going to be productive for you. You’ll just keep sabotaging your opportunities.

 

You played a part in this. Embrace that responsibility. Self-reflection is important - learn from it and work towards improving your sense of self.

Edited by Zahara
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Well I guess I'm just a terrible person then...

 

You are not a terrible person but you are a confused one. You came on here asking what your EX BF did wrong & we pointed out where your contributed to the problems in the relationship. Sometimes that insight is hard to hear but hopefully you will give our opinions some serious thought so you avoid these push pull problems in your next relationship.

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OK, but do you not think that the things he said to me gave me some right to test how he really felt about me? it made me feel ****ty.

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OK, but do you not think that the things he said to me gave me some right to test how he really felt about me? it made me feel ****ty.

 

When someone acts inappropriately towards you and you decide to accept their apology, forgive them and move forward -- you then go in with eyes and ears wide open and you observe his behavior. You wise up and you take notice of his behavior moving forward. You create boundaries and decide for yourself as to what you will and will not tolerate moving forward. If he crosses that line again and it becomes a dealbreaker for you, you exit.

 

You don't keep staying in a situation that makes you feel ****ty. You don't emotionally manipulate or test because you're trying to force a specific response that appeases you. You don't play games in hopes of shaping him into the person you want him to be for you. You let him be himself and you observe and you decide from there if he's right for you or not.

 

If you have to test someone, you shouldn't be in a relationship with them. I did this in my past relationships. I was always hyper-vigilant after being in unhealthy relationships and moved into new relationships feeling constantly triggered. I couldn't be present and enjoy it for what it was -- I was always analyzing everything to death and creating drama. There were times I stayed in a bad relationship for too long because I was constantly testing in hopes I'd get the right response instead of accepting that he wasn't right for me.

 

This is not about wrong or right or who is more responsible for the demise of this. Look at this as a learning opportunity for you, emotionally and mentally. This is a push for you to focus on yourself and heal from your past wounds. You mentioned you have issues with insecurity -- you need to redirect your focus. Your emotional and mental health is your priority.

Edited by Zahara
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When someone acts inappropriately towards you and you decide to accept their apology, forgive them and move forward -- you then go in with eyes and ears wide open and you observe his behavior. You wise up and you take notice of his behavior moving forward. You create boundaries and decide for yourself as to what you will and will not tolerate moving forward. If he crosses that line again and it becomes a dealbreaker for you, you exit.

 

I feel like this is what I did. I didn't feel like it was right after that, as there were a few more moments where we clashed. That's why I told him I didn't know where my head was at with it and he suggested we had the period of space to think about it. I didn't want to break up with him just before his birthday! that would have been harsh and I tried to explain why I thought it was best that I didn't come. Should I have just broken it off with him then and there or gone to dinner with his family? What should I have done about it?!?

Edited by tulip1989
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OK, but do you not think that the things he said to me gave me some right to test how he really felt about me? it made me feel ****ty.

 

 

Testing other people is never allowed. It's silly game playing.

 

He said what he said AFTER you flaked on him multiple times. Your actions caused his words. What part of that do you not understand?

 

If you couldn't bring yourself to attend his birthday & celebrate with him then yes you should have broken up. You were a short term GF, not his wife of 10+ years & the mother of his kids, where it would have made sense to time the break up as best as possible. When a break up is imminent, it's cruel to be kind. One quick, decisive cut is the most painless. Dragging this out is emotionally mean.

 

But since you admit to being lukewarm, just be at peace with the fact that it's over.

Edited by d0nnivain
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Testing other people is never allowed. It's silly game playing.

 

He said what he said AFTER you flaked on him multiple times. Your actions caused his words. What part of that do you not understand?

.

 

No I mean the things about finding the other girl sexy or whatever

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I feel like this is what I did. I didn't feel like it was right after that, as there were a few more moments where we clashed. That's why I told him I didn't know where my head was at with it and he suggested we had the period of space to think about it. I didn't want to break up with him just before his birthday! that would have been harsh and I tried to explain why I thought it was best that I didn't come. Should I have just broken it off with him then and there or gone to dinner with his family? What should I have done about it?!?

 

No, it is not what you did. You played push and pull games. It doesn't matter when you broke up with him, it's broken and your focus should be about moving on.

 

You're not in the right frame of mind emotionally to be in a relationship. Even if he came back today, you'd likely repeat the pattern because those feelings of insecurity from you previous relationship that has wounded you.

 

Try to accept this and use it to work on yourself.

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No I mean the things about finding the other girl sexy or whatever

 

Any woman who thinks her man never looks at another woman or stops finding women attractive after they are together is fooling herself. People have eyes. They look. As long as their wandering eyes are not accompanied by wandering other parts its just being human.

 

It's a tad tacky for a guy to specifically say to his lady that another woman is attractive but it's not the end of the world. It certainly doesn't mean he didn't think you were attractive.

 

I remember a year or so ago, I was walking down a street in NYC with my husband. I'm a thin woman with a flat chest. This curvy woman with huge boobs, no bra & a low cut shirt walked by. My husband was sort of startled & maybe a bit turned on so I teased him about getting his eyes poked out by her oncoming high-beams if you know what I mean. It was cold day. lol He knew he was "busted" (pun intended) but sputtered on about not having a choice except to notice. He really didn't. That woman definitely commanded attention, to say the least. The whole thing made me laugh but not for one micro-second did I think his physical reaction to her charms made him think about divorcing me.

 

On some levels you have to lighten up & stop trying to provoke reactions to test somebody's commitment to you.

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Well tbh I figured that cos he just up and went off to travel that he didn't care about me at all, so I started a new relationship about a month later. We disconnected on IG but I watched all his stories. I guess he saw that I was doing it so he added me back, but then he got all pissed off when he saw that I was seeing someone else!! (I was posting lots of stuff about it) Like he can just go off and do what he likes and get all annoyed cos I've moved on! Isn't that a jackass thing to do!?

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Well tbh I figured that cos he just up and went off to travel that he didn't care about me at all, so I started a new relationship about a month later. We disconnected on IG but I watched all his stories. I guess he saw that I was doing it so he added me back, but then he got all pissed off when he saw that I was seeing someone else!! (I was posting lots of stuff about it) Like he can just go off and do what he likes and get all annoyed cos I've moved on! Isn't that a jackass thing to do!?

 

Good grief. He didn’t up and go. YOU broke up with him. He’s allowed to do whatever he wants with his life. You sound very entitled and selfish in that you feel he should constantly appease you.

 

You baited him once before by talking about your ex and he didn’t bite and now you intentionally posted about this new guy to hurt him. Those are jackass moves. One month later you’re seeing a new guy but on LS griping about an ex. Your behavior isn’t going to serve you well.

 

Again, take responsibility for your actions and stop laying blame elsewhere. The sooner you do it, the sooner you heal and take a step into maturity.

Edited by Zahara
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