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Me and my girlfriend of 2 years broke up over drugs

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Old 2nd March 2018, 7:15 AM   #1
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Me and my girlfriend of 2 years broke up over drugs

Hi guys

Ive had been with my girlfriend for over 2 years. We lived together for little over a year. She has been lying to me about her cocaine use. She smokes weed every night without fail. It had become an issue for me when I moved in to her flat (which she owns) and I realised just how much she takes cocaine. After many arguments she has promised me she would cut down/change. In her mind she simply doesnt have a problem. The cannabis didnt bother me as much.. but the smell of it EVERY EVENING. It gets really boring. Shed cut down from 7 days to 5 .. maybe 4 at most.

She goes raving about once a month, takes Ketimene, E, Cocaine, nitrous. It takes her a weekend to recover.. so doing anything is a right off for us.

The most worrying part is the cocaine use. Almost all of her social group take it. So when she sees them (everyother weekend) she takes it. Weve been on dates eating a restaurants and after she eats.. shes in and out of the toilet every 15mins. I strongly suspect shes taking it when she meets friends out in during the week. Ive found it on surfaces of her make up dresser in our bedroom after shes had friends over. She's done it openly in front of me to spite me.. because Id accused her of it and she hadnt been?

Last month we went away for a few days and she found a gram of Ketimene and an E in her purse.... that she didnt know was there !! on a plane .. through customs!? Either she lied or shes got so many bags of drugs lying around she doesnt know where they are?! Both are hugely concerning.

Screaming matches, tears .. threats of leaving. None of it works, it would go away for a bit, but eventually itd come creeping back with a vengeance.

Shes 33 and wanted to marry and have children next year. I have no doubt shed be a great mother.. shes a wonderful giving person. But when shes on drugs (cocaine) shes a selfish dickhead. Much like EVERYONE on cocaine imo.

Its gotten to a point where Im completely paranoid, whenever we go out.. is she doing it? Isnt she doing it!? Its a HORRIBLE feeling. As a result Ive shut down and the relationship has broken down to nothing. She talks to her friends (who take drugs) and of course they say.. whys he so high and mighty? Hes boring .. narrow minded.. you can do what you want. Theres nothing wrong with it!? Etc etc.

To make matters worse, we live with a flat mate (whos a friend of hers) who is completely stirring things up. When my ex wasnt around she drop hints about her drug use. Then - discovered she was sowing seeds of insecurity with my ex about me behind my back. Shes been paying low rent for years and knows if shes kicked out. Because Im there. Shell never find a place with rent that low.

Friday she called me at 2:00am to tell me shes bringing friends home from a rave to take drugs. Which led to a screaming match. I went and stayed with friends for 4 days before having the talk last night. Which led to her turning it all around on me.. Ive ****ed it up. Its my fault. Im a miserable bastard who wont allow himself to have fun. Incapable of showing my feelings. Hates the site of her having fun.. has more friends than me, Im jealous etc etc.

So Ive left.. and currently looking for a place to live. Its not all her fault, my trust has gone and Ive shut down and I havent been dealing with it in a great way.

Anyone have similar experiences with drugs/alcohol/denial?
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Old 2nd March 2018, 7:17 AM   #2
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Addicts always choose their substance over people. As hard as it may be, you can't continue this so you have to walk away.
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Old 2nd March 2018, 7:28 AM   #3
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bullet dodged
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Old 2nd March 2018, 7:34 AM   #4
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Good for you for leaving, OP.

She is an addict. And she is going to wind up in serious trouble - either physically, emotionally, legally or some combination of all three. You don't want to be there when it all comes crashing down.

As it stands, she would be a terrible mother. She might have a lot of love in heart and love the idea of a family, but she is absolutely in no way ready for it and it's very unlikely she'll be ready in only a year given the state she's in now. Her drugs come first. At 33, she should long ago have left the hard-partying phase behind her.

This is not a woman you could have built and sound and stable future with.
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Old 2nd March 2018, 10:38 AM   #5
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Shes telling me its all in my head and Im paranoid.. Im mad.

Given how Ive caught her out in the past, how could I not be?
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Old 2nd March 2018, 11:23 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by eyeam View Post
She’s telling me it’s all in my head and I’m paranoid.. I’m mad.

Given how I’ve caught her out in the past, how could I not be?
Their train of thought is that everybody else is in the wrong and that comes form a strong sense of entitlement and selfishness. My father was an alcoholic. It was in everyone's head and everyone was in the wrong.

You did the right thing. She's made a choice for herself and you had to as well. If your goals and values aren't in line, there is no compatibility.

Addiction is very difficult to overcome. She has a very long road ahead of her. It's time you move on.
One regret, my dear world, that I am determined not to have when I am lying on my deathbed is that I did not kiss you enough ~ Hafiz
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Old 2nd March 2018, 11:27 AM   #7
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I lived with a drunk/druggie, and from first hand experience I can tell you that her bond is with the drugs and not with you. Any attempts you make to talk to her about it will result in a meltdown. It's not your job to maker her stop; it's hers.

People don't change. You are lucky to be out and this is a blessing in disguise.
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Old 2nd March 2018, 11:43 AM   #8
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You have no idea...

Originally Posted by eyeam View Post
Shes telling me its all in my head and Im paranoid.. Im mad.

Given how Ive caught her out in the past, how could I not be?
You have no idea... what a bullet you have dodged.

People that are 33 as still parting like this... they have a problem.

They are not marriage material, or the should not be.

You just have no idea how bad it could get if you got married and god forbid had children with her.

I have lived this before and it can be a nightmare...
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Old 2nd March 2018, 4:15 PM   #9
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She's an overdose waiting to happen.
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Old 2nd March 2018, 4:32 PM   #10
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Man I literally just got out of a relationship (2years) that sounds very very similar. She struggled with depression, alcoholism, and cocaine addiction. She would get blackout drunk/high on cocaine, and scream and yell at me for anything and everything. Eventually she started throwing things and breaking stuff around the house.
I finally said enough was enough, and I was accused of "abandoning" her in her darkest time. The thing is though, it will never be my job, or anyone else's for that matter to bring her out of that place. It's her task alone. I'm telling you man, get out of there now, and don't look back. It's gonna hurt like hell, you'll be lonely and start to doubt your decision, but I swear you are doing the right thing. She's going to be selfish as hell, and is going to try and manipulate your feelings to make you think it was all your fault, but set some damn boundaries and stick to them. Are you a man or a mouse?
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Old 2nd March 2018, 5:33 PM   #11
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Have compassion for her...from a safe, far distance.

As others have mentioned, you stand no chance against her addiction.

Al-Anon has a popular phrase: "I didn't cause it. I can't control it. I can't fix it."
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Old 2nd March 2018, 7:13 PM   #12
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This woman is a disaster. She would be a terrible mother--not sure in what universe you think she would somehow be able to clean up her act enough to be present and safe with children. She's not even mature enough to be in a relationship, much less be married with kids.

She's gas lighting you.

Keep walking.
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Old 3rd March 2018, 6:27 AM   #13
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Thanks guys

This is our first weekend apart since the break up (which is mutual btw) and her way of dealing with it was of course to go out and get high and drunk on Friday night with her friends. which was predictable.

She holds down a job.. and does it well. Goes to the gym twice a week. Thing is .. she has a well paying job, no morgage, rent money from her house mate.. and her wealthy Daddy pays all the bills. Its not like shes ever going to run out of money to blow on drugs.

Im moderately deep into a depression- which I have been for months (partly due to this) havent eaten, cant sleep - when I do I have nightmares. I super anxious and stressed about having to find a place to live. Currently couch surfing. Going to seek counselling ASAP.
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Old 5th March 2018, 10:33 PM   #14
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I have seen the devastation and deception of cocaine first hand. Until the person caught in its web wants freedom from the drug, there is not much you can do from the outside.
I just prayed for her to see the truth about the drugs, and am praying for you to have the wisdom to navigate this difficult time. Sometimes we have to do the hard thing, like walk away, because it is the best thing for you and for her.
Good idea to seek counseling. Sometimes another perspective can help keep you on balance.
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Old 6th March 2018, 12:18 PM   #15
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Please see the message I just posted about my alcoholic ex boyfriend. He also regularly uses cocaine, weed, ecstasy and pretty much any other drug he can get his hands on. He's nearly 41 and will not live much longer at this rate. I refuse to watch him slowly kill himself and I refuse to be his punching bag.

You are worthy of someone who loves and respects you all the time. We cannot use the excuse that they are "great" when they are not using. As a previous poster said, the drugs and alcohol will win everytime.
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