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How to be a dumper?


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 28th February 2018, 11:40 AM   #1
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How to be a dumper?

Hi, everybody!

I have a question for you: what to do when you are the dumper and you start to feel the "void"?

I don't want a relationship with the same person again, I'm happy for my decision, it's the best for me and probably the best for him (although that's for him to decide).

But there was a connection, there was an attachment, so after feeling relieved for having made the right choice, I naturally feel a "void" now, that comes from "missing" that connection, that attachament. Maybe even that person, as just a person, not as a SO.

We were on and off before finally breaking up (which was almost 2 months ago, no more contact from me since then, some weekly short emails from him, no response from me). He kept insisting as I said, which drove me away a bit. But I totally understand, each one does what they think it's best for themselves and deals with their feelings their own way. I think he finally gets it and hopefully is moving on with his life, which I'm happy for. I think that all that had to be said was said, there was a peaceful taste to it and all, so it wasn't an ugly breakup after all.

You may say I "miss" him now because he has seemingly stopped to try to reach me. Could be. Or maybe his attemps (weekly emails) were irritating me and now that they're over, I can finally feel that the relationship is over so I have just started to be able to "grieve" it - dumpers grieve too, that's for sure.

I'm just not sure what I'm supposed to do as the dumper. I know that, as I don't want to reconcile, reaching out could perhaps give him some false hopes and set him up for more pain. I don't want that.

But some part of my mind tricks me into contacting him (I haven't) just to show him that I care about him, that although we're not together anymore, he means something to me. It seems so odd to me that we had such a nice connection and now we simply won't talk EVER AGAIN. I guess that's what you get when you break up with someone. But these "can we be friends" sort of feelings are coming and I want to know what to do. Maybe not friends. But I just feel weird that I won't talk to him anymore and I get to think "would he want to hear from me from a friendly place or, if I'm not willing to give him a chance, I shouldn't even botter?"

I'm inclined not to contact him, I think it's for the best, at least for some more months (we were together for almost a year), but would like to hear your perspective, please.

About contacting the dumpee, look what was said here. This makes me think... (point 5):

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...ationship-tips


Thanks!
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Old 28th February 2018, 11:58 AM   #2
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I wouldn't contact him. It will give him hope and he might read into it.

My ex would text me all the time and beg to be friends months after we broke up. Eventually wanting to reconcile to dump me all over again. I wish he had just stayed away and stood by his decision.

It set me back in my grieving process a lot. So no I think you're better off leaving him be Maybe if you ever run into him again, there's room for some friendly banter but for now I would let it be.
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Old 28th February 2018, 12:11 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by mon. View Post
We were on and off before finally breaking up (which was almost 2 months ago, no more contact from me since then, some weekly short emails from him, no response from me). He kept insisting as I said, which drove me away a bit. But I totally understand, each one does what they think it's best for themselves and deals with their feelings their own way. I think he finally gets it and hopefully is moving on with his life, which I'm happy for. I think that all that had to be said was said, there was a peaceful taste to it and all, so it wasn't an ugly breakup after all.

You may say I "miss" him now because he has seemingly stopped to try to reach me. Could be. Or maybe his attemps (weekly emails) were irritating me and now that they're over, I can finally feel that the relationship is over so I have just started to be able to "grieve" it - dumpers grieve too, that's for sure.
He was boosting your ego there for awhile with his contact and now that he has stopped, you're facing withdrawals. And his contact may also have been distracting you from the finality of it and now that he has remained NC, the reality is setting in and the grieving is beginning.

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Originally Posted by mon. View Post
I'm just not sure what I'm supposed to do as the dumper. I know that, as I don't want to reconcile, reaching out could perhaps give him some false hopes and set him up for more pain. I don't want that.
Yes. It would be the unkind thing to do. As a dumper, you move on as well and focus on what's ahead.

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Originally Posted by mon. View Post
But some part of my mind tricks me into contacting him (I haven't) just to show him that I care about him, that although we're not together anymore, he means something to me. It seems so odd to me that we had such a nice connection and now we simply won't talk EVER AGAIN. I guess that's what you get when you break up with someone. But these "can we be friends" sort of feelings are coming and I want to know what to do. Maybe not friends. But I just feel weird that I won't talk to him anymore and I get to think "would he want to hear from me from a friendly place or, if I'm not willing to give him a chance, I shouldn't even botter?"
The many times I have been a dumpee, my healing was often derailed by contact from the dumper. Knowing that they "still cared" made it even harder to move on. It often instilled hope and it caused more doubt and uncertainty.

In the beginning, those thoughts of never speaking again will be strong and daunting but as time moves on and as two people heal and head on different paths, your mindset will change. As the emotional attachment breaks, those thoughts will start to fade. You can't be friends when you are emotional about someone. If you do want to be friends, maybe when both of you have moved on and are somewhat indifferent to each other, then a friendship can happen but usually by then, your feelings and outlook would have drastically changed.

Allow the dumpee to heal and move on. Deal with your void on your own. He is not your crutch -- you left him for a reason. Bestow upon yourself and your ex the gift of healing.

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Originally Posted by mon. View Post
About contacting the dumpee, look what was said here. This makes me think... (point 5):

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...ationship-tips
Breakups are painful. People process pain and grief in their own way and in their own time -- I think this approach only derails and causes more confusion.
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Last edited by Zahara; 28th February 2018 at 12:18 PM..
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Old 28th February 2018, 1:03 PM   #4
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I would not contact him.

The article you cited doesn't take into account who dumped who, and I think that is a mistake.

As someone who is currently in the position of your ex, and who is receiving occasional contact from the woman who dumped me (I'd be super curious as to your perspective on what she's doing, as you are in her position, btw), I can tell you that it is not helpful.

It is not as easy to move on right after being dumped. You don't feel relief. You feel confusion. And hurt. And a whole cocktail of bummer emotions. The process of letting go after being dumped is really, really difficult, and even if your intentions are pure, you are risking giving him false hope, even if all you do is say "I hope you are well."

That's not to say that down the line you may not find a way to peace with this person. But it will have to come in a more natural way than that.

I'm sure you know this, but the "void" you are feeling now is nothing compared to the void he is feeling. Leave him be. He has the harder task. It is selfish to put him through the confusion contact right now would cause.
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Old 28th February 2018, 1:11 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by Zahara View Post
He was boosting your ego there for awhile with his contact and now that he has stopped, you're facing withdrawals. And his contact may also have been distracting you from the finality of it and now that he has remained NC, the reality is setting in and the grieving is beginning.
Yeah, I felt irritated by his constant contact because it seemed the end would never come. The finality, I really wanted that. And I'm happy I get it. But now that it's setting in, as you say, it's starting to play with my feelings, which is only natural. It's the grief :/

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Originally Posted by Zahara View Post
The many times I have been a dumpee, my healing was often derailed by contact from the dumper. Knowing that they "still cared" made it even harder to move on. It often instilled hope and it caused more doubt and uncertainty.
This is where I'm most confused about. I understand false hopes and that it would be cruel, but isn't it worse to think that you're not even remembered by your ex, or something like that? I sense it's a mindtrick, but I catch myself thinking "I don't want him to think he means nothing for me now. I'll always hold a place for him in my heart and I wish he knew that" (quite cheesy, I know haha). I guess it's just my confused feelings talking, including my ego.

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Originally Posted by Zahara View Post
In the beginning, those thoughts of never speaking again will be strong and daunting but as time moves on and as two people heal and head on different paths, your mindset will change. As the emotional attachment breaks, those thoughts will start to fade. You can't be friends when you are emotional about someone. If you do want to be friends, maybe when both of you have moved on and are somewhat indifferent to each other, then a friendship can happen but usually by then, your feelings and outlook would have drastically changed.
I feel sort of sad to think that one day these feelings will change and the great fondness I feel for him may disappear - or whatever his feelings for me are might disappear as well.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zahara View Post
Allow the dumpee to heal and move on. Deal with your void on your own. He is not your crutch -- you left him for a reason. Bestow upon yourself and your ex the gift of healing.

Breakups are painful. People process pain and grief in their own way and in their own time -- I think this approach only derails and causes more confusion.

Thanks for your wise words!!!
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Old 28th February 2018, 1:27 PM   #6
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This is where I'm most confused about. I understand false hopes and that it would be cruel, but isn't it worse to think that you're not even remembered by your ex, or something like that? I sense it's a mindtrick, but I catch myself thinking "I don't want him to think he means nothing for me now. I'll always hold a place for him in my heart and I wish he knew that" (quite cheesy, I know haha). I guess it's just my confused feelings talking, including my ego.
I think you're on this train of thought because it helps you justify contact -- contact that allows YOU to feel better. I don't really think this is about you wanting to make him feel better because when he was contacting you, it was irritating you and you couldn't wait for him to go away. Now that he is, your junkie mind is looking for ways to fill the void and help you ease your discomfort.

No, giving a dumpee false hope is far more cruel than a dumpee wondering if you care. At some point all that wondering if you care will fade and the dumpee will move on. But what you are thinking of doing leaves the dumpee in indefinite confusion and anxiety.

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I feel sort of sad to think that one day these feelings will change and the great fondness I feel for him may disappear - or whatever his feelings for me are might disappear as well.
And it's normal to feel sad. Dumpers grieve too and have to find their own way to emotionally detach. But you can't break up with someone and then try to keep them in your sights because it helps ease your transition.

You will feel indifferent in time. Not with the sadness and heaviness you feel now. So don't project what you feel now into the future. It won't be the same nor will it be that emotional.

Leave him alone and let him heal. He has a larger hurdle to cross. Allow him to find his own way through his grief without any distractions from you.

Last edited by Zahara; 28th February 2018 at 1:29 PM..
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Old 28th February 2018, 1:38 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by jackofmany View Post
I would not contact him.

The article you cited doesn't take into account who dumped who, and I think that is a mistake.

As someone who is currently in the position of your ex, and who is receiving occasional contact from the woman who dumped me (I'd be super curious as to your perspective on what she's doing, as you are in her position, btw), I can tell you that it is not helpful.

It is not as easy to move on right after being dumped. You don't feel relief. You feel confusion. And hurt. And a whole cocktail of bummer emotions. The process of letting go after being dumped is really, really difficult, and even if your intentions are pure, you are risking giving him false hope, even if all you do is say "I hope you are well."

That's not to say that down the line you may not find a way to peace with this person. But it will have to come in a more natural way than that.

I'm sure you know this, but the "void" you are feeling now is nothing compared to the void he is feeling. Leave him be. He has the harder task. It is selfish to put him through the confusion contact right now would cause.
Thanks, Jack!

As I said in a previous response, I was looking forward to the finality. Breakups are never easy, and it does not feel good AT ALL to hurt someone you care about. You just don't work together. You like them, but you're not compatible as a couple (in my case). I regret not staying friends only, I think. So the on and off which I went through really wore me down and I simply couldn't wait to say to myself "It's over". So of course his attempts to contact me only made me feel irritated.

They seem to be over now, so it feels good to have the finality I have wanted for so long. It feels peaceful. But along with that, there's the grief. At least for me, there's grief.

While we were on and off I grieved harder, it's a different kind of grief now, aided by the past of some time more, but it's still here. I reminisce about him, his good qualities, and what a pity it is that we "can't" talk anymore. There's surely a dosis of guilt to it all, to think that I hurt him.

I'm trying not to opt for the selfish path, doing things to just boost my ego and stuff, but there's a time your mixed feelings don't let you think properly.

Would you respect your ex more if she had broken up with you and left you alone for good?

All the best in your recovery!
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Old 28th February 2018, 1:43 PM   #8
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At some point all that wondering if you care will fade and the dumpee will move on. But what you are thinking of doing leaves the dumpee in indefinite confusion and anxiety.
That's a great reality check!

I definitely need more time apart as it's clear I'm still in the hustle of processing it all, and probably so is he.

Let's see how I feel about "having him in my life"/ contacting him once I've moved on... Perhaps I'll really feel indifferent as you say.

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Old 28th February 2018, 1:48 PM   #9
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That's a great reality check!

I definitely need more time apart as it's clear I'm still in the hustle of processing it all, and probably so is he.

Let's see how I feel about "having him in my life"/ contacting him once I've moved on... Perhaps I'll really feel indifferent as you say.

Also consider as to whether enough time has passed -- if HE has fully moved on. This isn't just about your healing, but his as well.
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Old 28th February 2018, 1:54 PM   #10
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That's not to say that down the line you may not find a way to peace with this person. But it will have to come in a more natural way than that.
This is key.

You contacting him now is quite selfish because that's like saying you want him to do it on his own but now your feeling grief as well, you might require his assistance.

The only time you might want to contact him is when there is zero selfishness behind it. And to be honest, that day may never come. But that day isn't now, based on the way your talking.

I don't totally agree you can guarantee total indifference will come. Every breakup is different. I have some where I feel indifferent and others I don't. Functioning is important, indifference is a bonus but you don't always get there.

Last edited by marky00; 28th February 2018 at 2:03 PM..
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Old 28th February 2018, 2:06 PM   #11
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Also consider as to whether enough time has passed -- if HE has fully moved on. This isn't just about your healing, but his as well.
Indeed!

Is my "healing time" an indicator of his? In other words, how will I know? Not that I'll be counting days... But how does one know?

I guess it's just none of my business, right? Perhaps whenever (if) he reaches out, then I'll know...

Last edited by mon.; 28th February 2018 at 2:08 PM.. Reason: typo
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Old 28th February 2018, 2:25 PM   #12
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Indeed!

Is my "healing time" an indicator of his? In other words, how will I know? Not that I'll be counting days... But how does one know?

I guess it's just none of my business, right? Perhaps whenever (if) he reaches out, then I'll know...
No, it isn't. As I said people heal in their own way and in their own time.

I'd like to ask the question -- did you break up with him hoping it would provoke an emotional reaction -- in that maybe he would give you what you needed? Doesn't sound like you're sure about your decision?

Last edited by Zahara; 28th February 2018 at 2:30 PM..
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Old 28th February 2018, 2:46 PM   #13
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Indeed!

Is my "healing time" an indicator of his? In other words, how will I know? Not that I'll be counting days... But how does one know?

I guess it's just none of my business, right? Perhaps whenever (if) he reaches out, then I'll know...
He won't be reaching out to you. He tried that already. I'm pretty sure he has decided to put himself first now.
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Old 28th February 2018, 3:02 PM   #14
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No, it isn't. As I said people heal in their own way and in their own time.

I'd like to ask the question -- did you break up with him hoping it would provoke an emotional reaction -- in that maybe he would give you what you needed? Doesn't sound like you're sure about your decision?
I think may I sound very desperate and selfish, hehehe... I'm fine, I just prefer venting here than ruining all the progress done.

No, I haven't really done that with ulterior motives. It had to be done because we weren't a fit in major things, not compatible after all. I'm not expecting him to do anything.

But, as pointed out, I'm still suffering from the "withdrawal" after our connection/ attachment.

It hits me harder some days than others and sometimes I just feel like checking in on him. Like an addiction, I guess (I liked the word "withdrawal" for this hehe)

But thanks you guys for putting some perspective here. I'm doing the right thing and I'll stick to it
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Old 28th February 2018, 3:16 PM   #15
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Thanks, Jack!


I'm trying not to opt for the selfish path, doing things to just boost my ego and stuff, but there's a time your mixed feelings don't let you think properly.

Would you respect your ex more if she had broken up with you and left you alone for good?

All the best in your recovery!
Hmmm . . . let me try to make sure I am being honest here. Would I respect her more if I had never heard from her after we broke up?

I think so. Every break up is different of course, but when we broke up I told her specifically that I would need space and that I would let her know when that time was up.

It is possible that time would never have come. Our breakup was ugly.

But consider his position. Let's assume he is still hurting over the breakup. If he only recently stopped sending you those emails, this is likely. It takes a good deal of time once you cut off contact with someone who dumped you to start to pull yourself together.

Now consider how he is likely to interpret a message from you. No matter how you word it, he is going to be, whether he wants to or not, scouring it for signs that you may still have romantic interest in him.

This can have two outcomes:

1) He misinterprets it as interest and gets his hopes up, only to have them dashed again, setting him back to the beginning of getting over you.

or

2) He works his way through that and realizes it doesn't mean anything romantic, also causing him to relive romantic hope and then crash down again.

In both cases, it sets him back.

You may find another way to let him know you care at some point. Some other opportunity may arise. Maybe someday you will find out he has moved on and is happy with someone else. Then . . . maybe you can wish him well or something. It's hard to say.

But I think you need to err on the side of thinking he is still working through getting over you and give him more time. I think your motivations are pure and you seem like a thoughtful person. Just remember it's going to take him longer than you, and if you are feeling mixed emotions you can be pretty sure he is too.

Give him more time than you think is necessary.
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