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Ex tried to commit suicide, what responsibility do I have?


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 5th February 2018, 7:39 PM   #16
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Iíve been in your shoes and Iím heartbroken for you. Not an easy position to be in at all. You have to understand that you canít be held responsible for someone elseís actions. You need to sit it out or the only thing youíll do is cause a distraction. Alcoholism and mental illness are not something you can save someone from. They have to do it themselves. Itís the worst situation to be in. I struggle with it daily. The grief, sadness, guilt, shame etc but there is nothing you can do. Iím truly sorry for both you and her.
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Old 5th February 2018, 7:44 PM   #17
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So do I apologize?
Only if her doctor contacted you and told you it would help in her recovery.

I dated a woman who attempted suicide because her mother died, unexpectedly. This woman was VERY close to her mom and the death destroyed her. She literally fell apart...

After the suicide attempt, I would go visit her from time to time at the Psych ward. At some point, I was approached by her doctor, he told me she responded better in therapy sessions and in one on one treatment, when I visited her. So, I left work early each day to spend time with her during the times the doctor wanted me to.

Again, this is just my opinion, based on my own personal experiences.
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Old 5th February 2018, 7:59 PM   #18
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Only if her doctor contacted you and told you it would help in her recovery.
I think this is sound advice.

I'd only communicate with her if you have this kind of message from someone close to her suggesting that getting an apology or further communication from you would be helpful.

She reached the crisis point and doesn't need any influences unless they're going to be helpful. You don't want to give her false hopes about further romantic involvement.
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Old 5th February 2018, 8:22 PM   #19
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I gotta say brother...

I gotta say brother... well I don't know what to say.

But could we start here: A 60 YO man dating a 38 YO woman, could we start here? What in the H*** were you thinking?

Next she was an unstable drunk, and you at 58 mind you, are unemployed and homeless. And you shack up with her, and you knew she had feelings for you, and please don't say you did not, we all know when they have feelings.

I have to say man, I am not trying to dog you, but I won't let my GF by me a light fixture for my house because I don't let women take care of me financially no matter how much they want to.

So no, you are not responsible for her suicide attempt, but come on - I did not treat her well.

You know I have done things that I am not proud of, esp when it comes to women, but give me a break - this is one of the worst things that I have heard of.

Why would you do this stuff for a piece of A**? I am not sure that I get it...
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Old 5th February 2018, 8:41 PM   #20
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No, I did not pay for half of it.
Wow, that's cold.

I guess an apology now would seem trite now that I think about it. The time for that has probably passed. Hopefully you both have learned something. I hope she gets the help she needs for her depression.
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Old 5th February 2018, 8:42 PM   #21
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So do I apologize?

She did not blame me in the email. She was very explicitly stating she was apologizing for being a horrible person.

She has some great qualities....but she drove me crazy.

I never intended to be serious with her and things just went on for a length of time. I moved in her not as a couple, but because I was stuck and she offered many times. She saw me recently with another woman and of course I received a message the next day in which she went on saying what she remembered about me was that she was not allowed to approach me in public but I still took her home at the end of the night...and that she had convinced herself that I treated everyone that way but seeing the way I was with the other woman showed her it wasn't true.

I feel badly about these things, but every situation is different. If an apology would help, I may reach out but how would it? and what would I even say?
'She had convinced herself that I treated everyone that way but seeing the way I was with the other woman showed her it wasn't true.'

She wants a love relationship and you have used her. Stay away from this woman, leave her alone.

Post...condoms, use them.
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Old 5th February 2018, 8:45 PM   #22
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In response to a poster above....it's not as though she ran around talking gobbley gook and was off her rocker crazy or drunk all the time.

She has dealt with some trauma in life as well as being depressed with major depressive disorder.

She was / is ( ?) a binge drinker....and was seeking treatment in the form of outpatient and 12 step groups.

She has a successful career, many friends and as I said in the original post is very intelligent and is genuinely funny....she is also very kind to most people.

There are reasons as to why I would " put up with that stuff" for a piece of A...
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Old 5th February 2018, 8:57 PM   #23
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I understand you made some mistakes, and you feel horribly about how you handled some situations and how you treated her, and that really sucks, but despite that, I can't really say that you were a cause or a blame of her attempt...these issues already existed, and between being mentally unbalanced with drinking issues, her ability to manage her stresses and you and your behaviors were way off kilter.

I think a woman who was in a better place mentally and emotionally would have kicked your rear-end to the curb after round 2 or 3 of bad behavior rather than begging you back, only to be kicked again. I also question if your reaction and behavior was a direct result of her behaviors...not to say you were justified or right in your behavior...but we don't always do things the "right" way. Hindsight is crystal clear, isn't it?

I'm sorry you're going through this, but you can't take on the burden of her actions at solely yours. This is of her own doing, and she needs to face her own demons. No single person is going to magically fix her or make her happy. She has to be happy all by herself. The rest is frosting.

I don't think you should communicate with her at all, unless the doctor thinks it would be beneficial, but even then, you're putting yourself in a position that you don't want to be in, so I think NC is the only way to go. You can manage this with the doctor, but I think some boundaries are being crossed if you feel like you have to do therapy or group with her when you don't want a relationship with her at all, and I question if this would do more damage, so this is up to you and her and the doctor.

At 58, if you don't want babies, get the snip.
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Old 5th February 2018, 9:06 PM   #24
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an update...I spoke to her. I called the unit she is on and asked how she was.

She said she was " fine". She did not want to speak about the current situation but just said she was sorry for the email and for causing me concern.

I told her it was ok and wished her well. I told her if she wanted to call later in the week to do so, and her response was that no, the email at that point had been genuine, and if we were to reengage at this point she would only feel as though I felt guilty and that would make her feel worse. I told her I genuinely hoped she felt better in the future.


So there you have it folks.
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Old 5th February 2018, 9:28 PM   #25
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You realised quite early on that she suffered with mental health problems and was fragile, yet you had no qualms about blatantly using her, for sex, for companionship, for financial assistance and accommodation. When you got her pregnant you abandoned her, you weren't even a friend to her. While you're not responsible for her mental health and the ensuing problems, you are responsible for taking advantage of her vulnerability and treating her cruelly, and that is very likely what tipped her over the edge. You need to take responsibility for the calculated way you treated her. Do her a huge favour and stay away from her, and hopefully one day she'll recover and see her way clear to despising you.
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Old 5th February 2018, 10:57 PM   #26
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You were a jerk, OP.

The fact that she has the habit of hitting the bottle doesn't speak for your value, as in you're not the better half of the duo. Two wrongs don't make a right.

She supported you financially when you were broke and homeless. She opened her home to you, so that you could have a roof over your head.

You impregnated her, and you must take FULL responsibility for that. You didn't take any responsibility, actually you ran away from it. You dropped her the moment you knew she was pregnant. You didn't help with the expenses she faced getting an abortion.

You had no sense of gratitude whatsoever. You used a woman with fragile stability. You were cruel.

What's exactly wrong with feeling guilty?
I can't sympathize with you.
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Old 6th February 2018, 4:24 PM   #27
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Thanks for being open and sharing. This does seem like a difficult situation. Sometimes you just have to know when to severe an unhealthy relationship. It seems to me that the two of you together causes friction. Perhaps the best way you can help her is by releasing her.
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Old 7th February 2018, 3:20 PM   #28
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To be honest, neither of you are good potential candidates for a relationship, never mind with one another.

You're an avoidant-dismissive type - and a very selfish, childish one at that and she quite obviously has an anxious-preoccupied attachment style. Of the two, however, you definitely are the one I would want to avoid the most.

The woman lacks self-esteem and confidence, but is otherwise caring and sweet by all accounts (or maybe she's caring and sweet BECAUSE she lacks self-esteem and feels this is how to get someone to value you). In any case, you do have some responsibility. If you never wanted the relationship, as you said, you should have made it crystal clear from the beginning and avoided going back to someone so obviously fragile and co-dependent, and definitely should NOT have used her kindness for your own problems of homelessness etc.

It makes me so uncomfortable to hear that people can reach 58 and still remain selfish like you are....as a serious question, how is it possible to evade self-awareness and reflection over so many years? I mean...60 YEARS is a long time not to activate your brain cells a bit deeper than simply 'getting my own needs met'.
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Old 7th February 2018, 3:42 PM   #29
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an update...I spoke to her. I called the unit she is on and asked how she was.

She said she was " fine". She did not want to speak about the current situation but just said she was sorry for the email and for causing me concern.

I told her it was ok and wished her well. I told her if she wanted to call later in the week to do so, and her response was that no, the email at that point had been genuine, and if we were to reengage at this point she would only feel as though I felt guilty and that would make her feel worse. I told her I genuinely hoped she felt better in the future.


So there you have it folks.
I'd leave it at this and cease all contact. An ex is about one of the worst people to try to help or comfort you in a bad time. Exes have their own emotional baggage, so an ex can't really help you deal with other problems. An ex will just make all the problems worse. Furthermore, she's got to learn how to face up to her demons on her own. Attempting suicide is an extreme way to deal with a breakup, so it tells me there are other factors at work. Her abortion is probably a big factor. Also, her drinking problem lets you know she wasn't exactly stable when you met her.

I realize it's normal to feel guilt over your actions. We all do, and we've all had to decide if we need to apologize or not. I don't blame you for feeling guilty over some of your actions; I think that's appropriate, but something really important to learn is that apologies are almost always for the ones who are doing the apologizing. It's really just to lift some kind of guilt off your shoulders. She can move on with or without an apology from you.
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Old 7th February 2018, 3:47 PM   #30
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she is under the care of a doctor, so I would pass, for you can not be held responsible for her indefinitely, being a carer to anybody is a heavy duty for a boyf (or girlf) to carry, it is a matter of being on stand-by 24/7/365

you can not fix her, only she can do the work on her self, if she wants to, which so far has not happened

somethings mutual friends and aquaintances need to see

38 is not that young, not like 18 and new to adult life

Last edited by darkmoon; 7th February 2018 at 4:04 PM..
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