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First bread crumb since break up: respond or ignore?


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 12th December 2017, 10:54 AM   #1
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How does he feel? What will happen? Break up story.

Two and a half weeks ago my boyfriend said we should call it quits. It evolved during an hour-long phone conversation and didn't seem premeditated, though he had been pulling away for a few weeks. As a side note, he's an alcoholic and had been drinking heavily - has been sober for two weeks today (12/12).

I've conducted myself in a less than stellar way since. Went NC immediately after break up (happened on a Friday) and received a text from him the following Monday, basically apologizing. I sent him a brief response an hour later, then NC again.

That Friday night I was freaking out about not having heard from him and showed up at his place unannounced. He let me in and asked if I wanted to go to a 12-step meeting. We went, then went back to his place, cooked dinner, had sex (twice). Woke up in the morning and I said I should go - he asked me to stay for breakfast. It was very sweet.

We saw each other a few times over the course of that weekend because we had a mutual friend in town. It was pretty awkward for the most part. Then that Sunday night I was freaking out (again) and went to his place unannounced (again) and we talked. He said I was his rebound - when I asked if I was just filling a role he said "I find that kind of offensive. When we're together we have an insane connection and insane chemistry." But then said he needed to figure out how to be independent, how he'd spent his entire adult life depending on girlfriends to validate him etc. We kissed and said goodbye.

NC all week. Then last Friday I freaked out (again!!) about not having heard from him and went to his place (again, I know, I know). I told him I was surprised to not have heard from him - he pointed out he also hadn't heard from me (true). He said he was trying to establish himself in our town, as he'd gotten into a relationship right after moving here which never forced him to really put down any roots. He said it was boring and he was glad to be able to throw himself into his work, and that in the past he would have relied upon calling me to not be bored. We went to a coffee shop and then went to the 12-step meeting. After the meeting he offered to walk me home. When we got here he gave me a long, tight (full-body) hug and said "I'll see you soon."

Then yesterday as I'm parking I see him walking in my direction. I only expected a quick hi or wave but he stopped and asked what I was doing, thanked me for an (embarrassingly honest) letter I'd given him on Friday, and said he hoped I would have a great day.

Side note: I'd been having a really difficult time with the break up until I had a dream Friday. In the dream I was sharing a meal with the mutual friend who introduced us. He said to me "you will get back together, but you have to give him time." I woke up with a sense of peace and calm. It was very vivid and lifelike, which is notable for me because I rarely remember my dreams.

All of that said, he has not initiated a text or phone call conversation, but has responded quickly (within an hour) the three times I have. Aside from the couple of times I've seen him and reached out I've been totally NC. Currently on day four, outside of running into him yesterday, which I couldn't do anything about.

I guess I'm just looking for perspectives. I know this is really long and I appreciate you reading. Thanks.
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Old 12th December 2017, 11:05 AM   #2
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Heís using you for company/sex until he finds something new. Heís clearly not interested in you by not once initiating contact, and you really shouldnít turn up at his place unannounced. Time to block him and cut all ties, focus on yourself. All the best!
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Old 12th December 2017, 11:27 AM   #3
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I appreciate your candor, but how do I handle it if I run into him again. He's by nature very friendly, and initiated the conversation. Do I run in the other direction?
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Old 12th December 2017, 11:40 AM   #4
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I appreciate your candor, but how do I handle it if I run into him again. He's by nature very friendly, and initiated the conversation. Do I run in the other direction?
Do everything possible to avoid seeing him. Every time you hear from him/see him youíre essentially going back to square one whilst in the healing process. Keep busy, go out with friends, travel, do anything to keep your mind occupied. For me the first 2 weeks are excruciating, eventually youíll find yourself thinking about them less and less. Keep the mind busy and stay strong!!
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Old 12th December 2017, 12:01 PM   #5
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I appreciate your candor, but how do I handle it if I run into him again. He's by nature very friendly, and initiated the conversation. Do I run in the other direction?
No you speak and keep it moving as you would with any other person. I agree that you shouldn't have chased him by showing up unannounced at his house several times. When someone breaks up with us it is up to the dumper to win you back. Chasing after the dumper just makes them glad they are rid of you. He likes the sex with you and appreciated your company but nothing more or he wouldn't have called it off, gone NC and is not pursuing you to reconcile.
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Old 12th December 2017, 12:07 PM   #6
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No you speak and keep it moving as you would with any other person. I agree that you shouldn't have chased him by showing up unannounced at his house several times. When someone breaks up with us it is up to the dumper to win you back. Chasing after the dumper just makes them glad they are rid of you. He likes the sex with you and appreciated your company but nothing more or he wouldn't have called it off, gone NC and is not pursuing you to reconcile.
I know, I'm terribly embarrassed. That said, he did initiate the conversation yesterday and was asking me questions. He also volunteered to walk me home Friday.

But I know this is just me being hopeful. He did break up with me and it's really sad and disappointing. It hurts especially because he would always complain about his ex yet they broke up and got back together many times. He hasn't tried to get back together with me. It just hurts.
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Old 12th December 2017, 12:10 PM   #7
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I know, I'm terribly embarrassed. That said, he did initiate the conversation yesterday and was asking me questions. He also volunteered to walk me home Friday.

But I know this is just me being hopeful. He did break up with me and it's really sad and disappointing. It hurts especially because he would always complain about his ex yet they broke up and got back together many times. He hasn't tried to get back together with me. It just hurts.
(((HUGS)))) I know it hurts but you will be okay. We've all been there.
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Old 12th December 2017, 12:23 PM   #8
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OP,

You're in for a hurricane so prepare yourself. You two have broken up and it was initiated by him for a reason. Despite him responding to you or shooting that text, he's actually working on distancing himself from you.

Stop going to his place or texting/calling. You're preventing yourself from healing. As HumanMachine said, avoid him. Don't call, don't text and don't stalk his social media. If it starts to feel too difficult, I would block him off of social media altogether so you don't have to see updates. If he reaches out to you, keep your reply extremely short or don't reply at all. This is not to win him back. This is strictly to help you. You are taking care of yourself now.

Why? You two as of right now need time apart to grieve, reflect and gain clarity about all this. Him especially. You should operate on the basis of it's over and you should move on.

If he still truly wanted to be with you, he wouldn't have ended it nor would he be on and off in his behavior. You would not feel confused or have questions because he wouldn't put you in a position to feel this way. Simply put, he would not risk losing you. But..he has and that's the key thing you should focus on. What's going on here is he's using your company to simply ween himself off of you rather than face the gut-wrenching blow of breaking up.

Now..if he broke up with you, that's fine. BUT, he needs to understand that he won't get to selectively keep you around as he pleases. Do not allow him to do that to you. It's disrespect to yourself. And no friendship. Not right now.

If he broke up with you, he loses you altogther and he needs feel the weight and reality of that decision in it's entirety.

Goodluck

Last edited by Beachead; 12th December 2017 at 12:27 PM..
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Old 12th December 2017, 3:33 PM   #9
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OP here. I feel mindf*****. I feel led on. He jumped in and was always talking about the future, marriage, children, moving in together etc. He made me feel like I was special to him. Now I feel like it was ALL a lie.

Why is he being nice? Why is he responding? We didn't break up over a fight. I just can't help but feel that there's a chance for reconciliation. Am I lying to myself??
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Old 13th December 2017, 9:49 PM   #10
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First bread crumb since break up: respond or ignore?

I posted yesterday about my silly behavior since being broken up with 2.5 weeks ago. In my post I mentioned that my ex hadn't initiated any contact. Well, of course I just got a text from him:

"I hope you're having a nice week so far and enjoying the snow. How do [your kids] like it?"

Isn't it rude to not respond? Is it ever better not to do no contact? I'm under no illusions that we'll get back together.
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Old 13th December 2017, 10:00 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by flooded View Post
I posted yesterday about my silly behavior since being broken up with 2.5 weeks ago. In my post I mentioned that my ex hadn't initiated any contact. Well, of course I just got a text from him:

"I hope you're having a nice week so far and enjoying the snow. How do [your kids] like it?"

Isn't it rude to not respond? Is it ever better not to do no contact? I'm under no illusions that we'll get back together.
NC isn't about how the other person perceives it or whether it's rude or not. It's about self-preservation and the want to heal and move on. If you know there is no chance of getting back together, then focus on moving on rather than being derailed by his contact.

I read your other thread. Stop being available to him. If anything, he'll utilize you as a crutch until he moves on. Most times the breadcrumbs are attention/ego seeking behavior and nothing more.

Tell him you accept the ending and in turn you need time to heal and that you would like him to respect your need for no contact. Then go dark.
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Old 13th December 2017, 11:04 PM   #12
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If you let him reply if he left you ignore !
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Old 14th December 2017, 12:36 AM   #13
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That seems like a pretty lame text from a guy who dumped you. What's the point? "Hey, I dumped you, so how about that weather?" I suppose it could be construed as an icebreaker, but I would be annoyed if a dumper sent me something like that. Anything short of "I really messed up, can we talk?" isn't going to pique my curiosity.

I think you have 2 options:

Ignore, which isn't rude because he dumped you.

Ask him why he's contacting you, because obviously it's not about the weather.
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Old 14th December 2017, 1:50 AM   #14
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Maybe he is trying as he said to get his life back together.

If he is not dating or seeing other girls and keeps trying to stay in contact with you, then I say there may be a chance.

Going sober and making stick is for a reason. Up to you what you do but a real friend would stay by his side during this time. Who knows what might happen down the road.

As long as he is actually working on him and hasnít used it as an excuse to start dating other girls. If you do care for him be there for now. Donít wait forever though.
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Old 14th December 2017, 4:48 AM   #15
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You have to act like he doesn't exist. Like he died.
You wanna heal? No more contact. No hi. Nothing.
You can't be "friends" right now its too fresh. Maybe down the line but not right now.
Right now you be about YOU. And to do that you need to remove him from your life COMPLETELY. And don't think he isn't playing things to his advantage- he is.
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