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Another breakup, this time with my fiancée


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 12th August 2017, 2:39 PM   #1
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Unhappy Another breakup, this time with my fiancée

31-year-old male here. My now ex-fiancée, Stephanie, is 26-years-old. We work together and have known each other for about 3 years. We dated for about a year and half and then I asked her to marry me in November 2016 and she said YES! Unfortunately, our relationship started to go downhill in January. Here's the story:

January -- she meets a new group of friends. They like to go out and drink a lot. She starts going out with these girls a lot more often than usual. Her personality starts to change as all of a sudden she starts questioning things in our relationship and me.

April -- we go to our friends' wedding a few states away. Stay there the entire weekend. She's in the wedding. After rehearsal dinner we get into a huge fight about how "I haven't done this" and how "I need to do this and that." The fight gets pretty loud in the hotel room. We make up the next morning.

May -- the fighting continues in May and eventually, I get tired of it, so I ask her for a break so we can think about things. She breaks down and cries a lot, but agrees to it. A few days later, we talk, but I feel like she's not getting the point. Again, the focus is always on me, not her. We continue the break, but then a week later, she breaks up with me saying she can't do the break, but wants to do counseling still... and she keeps the ring for now. Doesn't make sense, right??? About another week passes and I get ignored left and right so I tell her to just give me the ring back and that it's over.

June -- We don't talk for two weeks and then I reach out to her saying I don't want to regret that we didn't try counseling. She tells me she misses me so we decided to do counseling. We do three sessions through June. Even though we are doing counseling, she doesn't want to spend much time together, in fact, she cancelled plans on me twice and then on our anniversary, she makes plans with her girlfriends. I feel like she's not invested and that again, the focus is on me, not on her. So I end it again. She begs me to stay with her, but I say no because she's not even trying.

July -- We barely talk through the month of July, until sometime at the end of the month. We were both alone at work on a Saturday and started talking about things. That talking turned into kissing and telling each other how we love one another and want to try again. I tell her that I have a job opportunity a few states away and may be moving. However, the next day, she never replies to any of my texts. When I talk to her on that Monday, she says she changed her mind about getting back together, but wants to go to dinner with me before I move... for "closure." I tell her I don't think that's a good idea.

August -- I talked with her a couple of times this week. The first one was a good, emotional talk, but then something happened. I found out from a co-worker that she's dating anther man and has been dating him since the end of May. She was still talking with this guy even when we were trying counseling. It all makes sense now. Her behavior. So the last time we talked, I confronted her about it and she admitted it to me. The conversation turned into an argument and she said dozens of hurtful things to be on the phone. She basically stated that because I asked for a break back in May, that was the worst rejection for her and it's been difficult for her to get over it. The phone conversation got me emotional and sad, so I told her goodbye. That's the last time we talked with each other.
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Old 12th August 2017, 4:00 PM   #2
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I'm sorry for how confusing this relationship became. Here's how I see it: She's not mature enough to be ready to settle down. When you said she's starting to question stuff, well, that's all a part of her starting to make her own decisions. She's still quite young. She's just becoming her own person. Where she did the very bad thing is agreeing to marry you when she wasn't mature enough and then of course cheating. Not nice.

I can't imagine you'd ever get past the distrust, so I'd say let her go.
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Old 12th August 2017, 4:43 PM   #3
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I agree. I also think this new group of friends has changed her way of thinking. She wants to go out and be single and have a good time instead of being married. I think all of this comes from being young and immature. She has never lived on her own. Still lives with her parents because she can save money.

As for the cheating part, I wouldn't consider it cheating as we weren't together but we were working back toward that. I wouldn't have any trust issues.

However, it's clear she's all over the place emotionally and I don't need to be tugged with her. She needs to figure it out for herself. And I'm sure she will at some point.

Time to go no contact, which is difficult considering she sits right across from me.
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Old 12th August 2017, 9:31 PM   #4
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Would love to hear from some others... thoughts? Opinions? Advice?
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Old 13th August 2017, 1:45 AM   #5
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Same thing happened to me twice the 1st wth the ex wife over 10 yrs ago. Started hanging wth new girlfriends her behaviour changes and later on I found out the truth there was always a guy in the background who she's married to now.
And she was a hardcore Christian lol two faced I wish I'd never gone back to her wen she came back.
Fast forward to recent ex same thing seeing this new girl at work and changed going out drinking there was a guy in the background suddenly she became the opposite of being in love wth me and broke up. But my story this time is different 😁
We all worked together and it's been hell she's a selfish woman left her kids interstate for the lifestyle and her she's not happy thou all her bad decisions are catching up wth her now. He left and went overseas to live and work. Her kids are interstate. She's alone. I feel sorry for her but then I try and remember all the pain she caused and think to myself no u deserve it u deserve to fave the consequences of ur selfish decisions and choices. Give it time things change you'll see 😁
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Old 13th August 2017, 2:18 AM   #6
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Perhaps my story will help. I had a girlfriend from the time I was 15 whom I got engaged to when I joined the Army and went off to fight in Vietnam at the age of 18. By the time I was 19 and in combat, she cheated. My best friend told me and we broke up using snail mail. No computers or cell phones then. Every have an argument using snail mail where it took 2 weeks to get a reply?

I was crushed at the time. Thinking of her got me through the tough parts of combat. Later one I went to Sydney Australia, found a girl at a bar who was stood up and we both had revenge sex, which lasted for a month.

At the time I was devastated. Now I look back on my life and realize that breaking up with her was the best thing that ever happened to me. It lead to meeting my bi wife who shared her long time girlfriend with me for most of our 45 years of marriage. It also led to a set of circumstances that ended with me being able to afford a new home when I was 21 and never worrying about money.

None of this would have happened if I married my ex fiancé who went from valedictorian with the highest grades in her high school to becoming a drug addict and as a result, has mental problems. She had a kid by some unknown foreign guy, married a man who needed a green card, stayed with him until he paid off the last of her son's college tuition and is now married to a woman.

As an old man I now realize that my life is the sum result of not only the good things but also the bad things in my life. My company going out of business forced me to find another job which paid me a lot more than I was making. Most people tend to stay in their comfortable jobs. I can list many bad things that ended up with having a good life and a woman I love. Right now you think this is a bad thing but someday when you have a wonderful wife with kids, you will think of your breakup and how much different life would have been had you married her. I take everything in stride. The simplest of things like stopping to tie a loose shoe string could save your life by not being in the intersection at the exact time that you were broadsided and paralyzed for life. The littlest and biggest things in our life shape our future. Don't look at it as bad and good things but rather as different paths that will lead you into a different place.
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Old 13th August 2017, 5:19 AM   #7
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Originally Posted by mmiller5373 View Post
31-year-old male here. My now ex-fiancée, Stephanie, is 26-years-old. We work together and have known each other for about 3 years. We dated for about a year and half and then I asked her to marry me in November 2016 and she said YES! Unfortunately, our relationship started to go downhill in January. Here's the story:

January -- she meets a new group of friends. They like to go out and drink a lot. She starts going out with these girls a lot more often than usual. Her personality starts to change as all of a sudden she starts questioning things in our relationship and me.

April -- we go to our friends' wedding a few states away. Stay there the entire weekend. She's in the wedding. After rehearsal dinner we get into a huge fight about how "I haven't done this" and how "I need to do this and that." The fight gets pretty loud in the hotel room. We make up the next morning.

May -- the fighting continues in May and eventually, I get tired of it, so I ask her for a break so we can think about things. She breaks down and cries a lot, but agrees to it. A few days later, we talk, but I feel like she's not getting the point. Again, the focus is always on me, not her. We continue the break, but then a week later, she breaks up with me saying she can't do the break, but wants to do counseling still... and she keeps the ring for now. Doesn't make sense, right??? About another week passes and I get ignored left and right so I tell her to just give me the ring back and that it's over.

June -- We don't talk for two weeks and then I reach out to her saying I don't want to regret that we didn't try counseling. She tells me she misses me so we decided to do counseling. We do three sessions through June. Even though we are doing counseling, she doesn't want to spend much time together, in fact, she cancelled plans on me twice and then on our anniversary, she makes plans with her girlfriends. I feel like she's not invested and that again, the focus is on me, not on her. So I end it again. She begs me to stay with her, but I say no because she's not even trying.

July -- We barely talk through the month of July, until sometime at the end of the month. We were both alone at work on a Saturday and started talking about things. That talking turned into kissing and telling each other how we love one another and want to try again. I tell her that I have a job opportunity a few states away and may be moving. However, the next day, she never replies to any of my texts. When I talk to her on that Monday, she says she changed her mind about getting back together, but wants to go to dinner with me before I move... for "closure." I tell her I don't think that's a good idea.

August -- I talked with her a couple of times this week. The first one was a good, emotional talk, but then something happened. I found out from a co-worker that she's dating anther man and has been dating him since the end of May. She was still talking with this guy even when we were trying counseling. It all makes sense now. Her behavior. So the last time we talked, I confronted her about it and she admitted it to me. The conversation turned into an argument and she said dozens of hurtful things to be on the phone. She basically stated that because I asked for a break back in May, that was the worst rejection for her and it's been difficult for her to get over it. The phone conversation got me emotional and sad, so I told her goodbye. That's the last time we talked with each other.

nothing you can do... attraction is lost.

Don't fall for the crocodile tears as most likely she is going balls to the walls enjoying her new found attention. Just another way to disable you from getting pissed. She is a grown woman and the new found male attention is most likely prompting her she can "do better" So she can not go forward in the relationship. Better to find out now she is not loyal to you than with kids and marriage.
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Old 13th August 2017, 11:16 AM   #8
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nothing you can do... attraction is lost.

Don't fall for the crocodile tears as most likely she is going balls to the walls enjoying her new found attention. Just another way to disable you from getting pissed. She is a grown woman and the new found male attention is most likely prompting her she can "do better" So she can not go forward in the relationship. Better to find out now she is not loyal to you than with kids and marriage.
Appreciate the reply. I really don't think the attraction has been lost. She kissed me and we made out, at work, 3 weeks ago. She told me she loves me and misses me. There was even a moment when we talked about going to my house to have sex, but she changed her mind. There is something else going on here.

Regardless, I need to move on as she is all over the place emotionally and I don't need to be strung along.
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Old 13th August 2017, 12:02 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by mmiller5373 View Post
31-year-old male here. My now ex-fiancée, Stephanie, is 26-years-old. We work together and have known each other for about 3 years. We dated for about a year and half and then I asked her to marry me in November 2016 and she said YES! Unfortunately, our relationship started to go downhill in January. Here's the story:

January -- she meets a new group of friends. They like to go out and drink a lot. She starts going out with these girls a lot more often than usual. Her personality starts to change as all of a sudden she starts questioning things in our relationship and me.

April -- we go to our friends' wedding a few states away. Stay there the entire weekend. She's in the wedding. After rehearsal dinner we get into a huge fight about how "I haven't done this" and how "I need to do this and that." The fight gets pretty loud in the hotel room. We make up the next morning.

May -- the fighting continues in May and eventually, I get tired of it, so I ask her for a break so we can think about things. She breaks down and cries a lot, but agrees to it. A few days later, we talk, but I feel like she's not getting the point. Again, the focus is always on me, not her. We continue the break, but then a week later, she breaks up with me saying she can't do the break, but wants to do counseling still... and she keeps the ring for now. Doesn't make sense, right??? About another week passes and I get ignored left and right so I tell her to just give me the ring back and that it's over.

June -- We don't talk for two weeks and then I reach out to her saying I don't want to regret that we didn't try counseling. She tells me she misses me so we decided to do counseling. We do three sessions through June. Even though we are doing counseling, she doesn't want to spend much time together, in fact, she cancelled plans on me twice and then on our anniversary, she makes plans with her girlfriends. I feel like she's not invested and that again, the focus is on me, not on her. So I end it again. She begs me to stay with her, but I say no because she's not even trying.

July -- We barely talk through the month of July, until sometime at the end of the month. We were both alone at work on a Saturday and started talking about things. That talking turned into kissing and telling each other how we love one another and want to try again. I tell her that I have a job opportunity a few states away and may be moving. However, the next day, she never replies to any of my texts. When I talk to her on that Monday, she says she changed her mind about getting back together, but wants to go to dinner with me before I move... for "closure." I tell her I don't think that's a good idea.

August -- I talked with her a couple of times this week. The first one was a good, emotional talk, but then something happened. I found out from a co-worker that she's dating anther man and has been dating him since the end of May. She was still talking with this guy even when we were trying counseling. It all makes sense now. Her behavior. So the last time we talked, I confronted her about it and she admitted it to me. The conversation turned into an argument and she said dozens of hurtful things to be on the phone. She basically stated that because I asked for a break back in May, that was the worst rejection for her and it's been difficult for her to get over it. The phone conversation got me emotional and sad, so I told her goodbye. That's the last time we talked with each other.
I'd bet it started a lot earlier than you know. They usually do. You only know "the tip of the iceberg". You were engaged and she's dating. Doesn't matter if you were on a break or not. Did you date others? Bet not. See the difference?

You dodged a huge bullet. Take the other job move and go completely dark on her.

Block everything and never look back on this.

If you're smart. If you don't you'll just get strung along.

Better wake up!!!!!
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Old 13th August 2017, 12:05 PM   #10
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Appreciate the reply. I really don't think the attraction has been lost. She kissed me and we made out, at work, 3 weeks ago. She told me she loves me and misses me. There was even a moment when we talked about going to my house to have sex, but she changed her mind. There is something else going on here.

Regardless, I need to move on as she is all over the place emotionally and I don't need to be strung along.
Wishful thinking on your part.

She doesn't want to cheat on her new boyfriend.

You are relegated to a very distant plan be. Get out of the turmoil and drama.

She's no special snowflake and definitely not marriage material. Let her be someone else's problem.

You don't need a meetup for her closure. Move on like she has.
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Old 13th August 2017, 12:10 PM   #11
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You could have handled it better.

You're the one who was setting the vague rules about the "break". "A break" is a phrase, which can be interpreted in a variety of ways, and therefore is a source for troubles.

You also dragged the situation too long before the "break". I'm not saying that every fight is a cause to cancel the wedding but it seems you had many signs for a long period, but you ignored then all. Probably because you are a responsible stable man, so you prefered to look the other ways instead of looking straight forward.

Take it as a lesson for you. If your fiance is not 100% into you, don't stay. In my scale, Legitimate doubts might last 2-3 days... maybe a week. Nore than that is "bye bye".
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Old 13th August 2017, 12:17 PM   #12
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Appreciate the reply. I really don't think the attraction has been lost. She kissed me and we made out, at work, 3 weeks ago. She told me she loves me and misses me. There was even a moment when we talked about going to my house to have sex, but she changed her mind. There is something else going on here.

Regardless, I need to move on as she is all over the place emotionally and I don't need to be strung along.
Yes and the something else is the other man. She is having sex with him and that's why she didn't want to have sex with you. Are you dating anyone else yet?
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Old 13th August 2017, 1:15 PM   #13
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Maybe I missed it, but did you ever get the ring back? If not, you can add 'thief' to her list of badness, and consider that is the price you paid to learn a lesson and dodge a bullet. If you did get it back, do something nice for yourself with the money you get for it, have some fun and, still, consider how close you came to taking a head shot from an Uzi...
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Old 13th August 2017, 1:18 PM   #14
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Yes and the something else is the other man. She is having sex with him and that's why she didn't want to have sex with you. Are you dating anyone else yet?
No. Not mentally or emotionally at a place where I'm ready to see someone else. Plus I'm probably moving. No reason to start something here.
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Old 13th August 2017, 1:21 PM   #15
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Maybe I missed it, but did you ever get the ring back? If not, you can add 'thief' to her list of badness, and consider that is the price you paid to learn a lesson and dodge a bullet. If you did get it back, do something nice for yourself with the money you get for it, have some fun and, still, consider how close you came to taking a head shot from an Uzi...
Yes, I got the ring back. I asked for it back a few weeks after the first talk of a "break."
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