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Hurting but Healing.


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abandoned386

Hello, friends.

 

I found my way here weeks ago dealing with my own painful break-up and always assumed I would remain just a reader.. but now that I'm starting to feel a tad bit better, I figured I'd share my feelings so that it might help at least one other hurting person out there. Who knows, maybe it'll help me a bit, too. For anyone who reads, thank you for listening/reading. I really appreciate it. Helps to know someone is here with me during such a lonely time.

 

I decided that I'm not going to dive too deep into the details of my relationship, yet. I may later, I may not. Right now I kinda fear doing that because I don't want to reset myself back and undo all the progress I have made getting past the pain. I just wanted to kinda share some relevant info and what I've been dealing with since the break-up so that maybe it can serve as help for others.. because for one thing, it is starting to feel really good to feel better after such emotional pain and loneliness. So here goes.

 

So my girlfriend and I dated for 2 years, 2 and a half months. I'm 31, she's 27. Had small arguments here and there but we always made up and had really good times together. I tried to do & give her everything I could to make her happy, including material things. Spent a good amount of money on her. ($1000 Taylor Swift concert, Cross-country trip to San Diego/LA, etc) She lives 35 miles from me, and I work second shift. So naturally when I'd go see her 2-3 times a week after working I'd also pick us up some food.. point being, I didn't mind doing any of that because I seriously loved her and cared about her. One other point that I feel like is relevant is back in March I called her and told her that I couldn't do it anymore. We were NC (because she's a coward and isn't able to handle anything/fight for what she wants like an adult, OR either I've been used this entire time for sex & money and she doesn't care, also totally posssible) for a week until I called her yet again and without any hesitation I explained to her very confidently that I made a huge mistake and loved her and without a doubt wanted to be with her. She cried "happy tears" and said she was so happy I came back. This was last March. Let's fast forward to the good part.

 

Plain and simple. Thursday June 1, 2017 I went to bed being told in text "I love you so much baby. I will talk to you tomorrow afternoon." Friday June 2, 2017 I woke up around 3:00 PM to being dumped by a text sent 2 hours earlier. I always thought it was so incredibly lame to dump somebody via text. But to do it while they are asleep? Wtf? Does anybody else agree that this was probably the most absolute cowardly way to go about it? Whatever her reason.. I mean, I accept it. Just please go about it like an adult? Do I get a say? Do I get to say goodbye? Thanks for 2+ years? I guess not. Haven't heard a word from her since.

 

I was so disgusted by such a lame move that I kinda mindlessly shrugged it off and tried to go about my life. Denial probably helped with that. It felt pretty easy at first but as most of us know it didn't take long to notice the absence in my life after 2+ years of being so used to it. 6 days into it I broke down at work and went out to my truck and called her probably 10 times.. no answer. Texted her some paragraphs. No response, of course. That's the last I've tried. That was 13 days ago. It's been 26 since she left. Somewhere in all the articles and message boards I've read, I remembered seeing someone say 90 days of NC was a good idea/average, so I agreed, and that's what I'm aiming for. I'll be honest, right there at the beginning I wanted her back so bad.. and I blame a lot of that on the loneliness and the shock that came when it happened, not even so much missing "her".. To those of you who are at that fresh break-up point with no contact from them.. I promise you that as long as you fight this thing day by day, you will slowly get more and more comfortable with the fact that it ended. It's happening with me now. The most important thing is sticking with NC and focusing on yourself. Especially if you were the dumpee. They made a decision. Their decision. Not yours. Let them undo their mistake. If they don't, WHY do they deserve you? Not saying they deserve you if they do, either, though.

 

I mean sure I miss her, but at the end of the day I'm at this point because of the decision she made; not me. So that was her move and I will have to deal with it. For her to disappear while I'm asleep and then to ignore my attempts to reach out 6 days after that, she has more than told me that she doesn't want to talk to me, so I'm going to leave it there, even if forever. And originally I was stubbornly using NC as a way to get by daily with hoping she would come back, but now I realize that it's been a super solid way to slowly heal and realize that it WILL be okay that it's over.. and to see things for what they really are. Like maybe I can do better? And if she does contact me someday? I'm not even sure if I'll respond. At first I was way too nice and would have let her right back in. But now that I've had time to think about what she really did and how she did it, I've been able to truly see that there are so many more people in the world who could be even better.

 

The absolute main reason I posted this whole thing is to be able to tell everyone who is hurting from being dumped to hold on and be strong.. take it day by day and 100% honor NC. It helps. I promise it does. Gets better day by day. Pay attention to how I felt right after it happened versus how I feel now. You can get to that point too.. I promise you.. and I'm not even saying don't take the person back. Just use the time you're being provided with NC to heal yourself and realize what YOU want.. and if that includes getting them back, I'm all for it and I wish you the absolute best. Just don't let them walk all over you at any point. And remember they left us once.. would they do it again?

 

Please feel free to reply with whatever you're going through. I want to be here for everyone and I consider you all friends. I know how bad this hurts.. and how lonely it feels.

 

Thank you.

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Dude what do u plan on dping at 30 days contacting her?

 

It's been 9 mths in my case. Don't ..she hurt u demand better for ureself

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abandoned386

Sorry, to correct myself I said it was 6 days after that I tried to contact her. It was actually 13. And 13 since. Sorry that didn't add up.

 

And goodguy.. Thank you.. I agree with you.. My NC goal is 90, not 30. I'm feeling good now and I'm sure by the time 90 days comes I won't give the slightest crap about her.. It'll probably come way before then.. Im already feeling it. And if she actually contacts me I'm confident to hit her with a WTF and all the guilt of how she handled it. I doubt she will but if she does I'll be sure to keep the thread updated. I'll take a look at your posts too to get caught up on your situation.

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I wish I hadn't broken NC. Saw my ex is now in a relationship with someone he told me before and after our relationship was just a friend. I called him out on it and he gave me more crap at how they decided to try since everyone thinks they're dating anyway...if I was truly platonic with someone and people thought that, it wouldn't make me date them.

 

Breaking NC makes me feel like I'm at Day 1 because I let him lead me on and believed his crap :(

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abandoned386
I wish I hadn't broken NC. Saw my ex is now in a relationship with someone he told me before and after our relationship was just a friend. I called him out on it and he gave me more crap at how they decided to try since everyone thinks they're dating anyway...if I was truly platonic with someone and people thought that, it wouldn't make me date them.

 

Breaking NC makes me feel like I'm at Day 1 because I let him lead me on and believed his crap :(

 

Babsacay, I'm so sorry to hear that. I wish you hadn't either. That's what I've been thinking about / been scared of with this girl.. They'll pull us back in with some positive talk and then crap on us all over again and reset us back at day one. I can't imagine being back at day one.. Sounds so painful being there AGAIN. I am here for you to help get through it again. You can text me or message me or whatever if you'd like.. If it would help. If I can find a private way to get you my #. I know having someone to talk to helps a little. The biggest thing it seems to me is not giving these heartless people multiple opportunities to hurt us.. Make them put forth a huge amount of effort to prove themselves even a tiny bit worthy of our attention before we even say more than "hey", if we even say that much. Stay strong and get with me if you need to talk.

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Does anyone actually believe NC to be absolutely 100% for the best?

 

In my case it was some years ago, i thought it wasnt at the time but it really was.

 

This time however is entirely different.

 

Without going too deep into my circumstances, My GF of a year and I broke up due to a malicious ex. We had the most amazing year, those are her words too. we never fouoght or argued and had a wonderful life.

i cannot post details openly, the malicious ex knows i use these boards as she has searched my username through google.

 

to put not to finer point on things, i deceived my GF saying i was not in contact with the other one - i was untruthful when asked (its very complicated) The reason for this was due to this ex had already destroyed a previous relationship. I tried to use the term keeping friends close but enemies closer.

Anyway, i have, i believe managed to cinvince my GF that i only stayed in contact to protect us (showed her plenty of evidence of her obsession, me pushing her away etc) but in all honesty, her head is all over the place and she doesnt know what to believe.

 

The problem now is trust.

Ive taken massive, life changing steps to attempt for my GF to think about giving me the oppertunity to make things right and to regain her trust, even to the point of suggesting councelling.

Over the last couple of weeks she has blown hot and cold, one moment chatting away then the next stopping all contact, to the point only emails were availalbe. - Emails stopped too on Sunday with one from her saying "please do not contact me in any form".

 

We had met twice since the breakup, the first to show her what i had, the second was to deal with a malicious message she received. Each meeting resulted in holding hands, kisses and "i love you"s said by both.

 

My GF has stated that she so, so loves me.

It took her a long time (4 years) to begin to trust and date again after her ex walked out on her.

Im gutted to have decieved her, i meant no malace. I know what i did was wrong but i thought it was right at the time but as time went on it just got harder and harder.

 

Now, in one of the emails sent last week, she wrote

"seeing you made all the bad stuff go away, but that was not real. when im alone and it all comes back it breaks me.

 

Perhaps I do still love you but every time remind myself of the lies, it hurts a bit more and a bit more love dies".

 

 

Now, I want this relationship more than any in the world. I know there is nothing more i can do, ive explained and pleaded but that wont make it right. I have to respect and understand her wishes.

 

but i keep repeating her words over and over.

she loves me

being with me makes things better

being apart makes things worse

 

but theres no trust.

I CAN be trusted, all the cards are on the table now and everything is open.

I honestly think that my GF does not want us to split, she has said that her trust issues come from deep rooted past.

 

I understand the NC system is to help heal but in this case, should the relationship be rekindled then NC is probably more damaging, I am sure that she is currently going through "i wonder if they are talking now". She actually admitted that a couple of weeks ago when we spoke on the phone. After the call, she spent the rest of the day thinking just that.

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Babsacay, I'm so sorry to hear that. I wish you hadn't either. That's what I've been thinking about / been scared of with this girl.. They'll pull us back in with some positive talk and then crap on us all over again and reset us back at day one. I can't imagine being back at day one.. Sounds so painful being there AGAIN. I am here for you to help get through it again. You can text me or message me or whatever if you'd like.. If it would help. If I can find a private way to get you my #. I know having someone to talk to helps a little. The biggest thing it seems to me is not giving these heartless people multiple opportunities to hurt us.. Make them put forth a huge amount of effort to prove themselves even a tiny bit worthy of our attention before we even say more than "hey", if we even say that much. Stay strong and get with me if you need to talk.

 

I wish there were a way to get you my number! I'm hurting so bad right now and just want to talk to people who understand

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I wish there were a way to get you my number! I'm hurting so bad right now and just want to talk to people who understand

 

I feel your pain too but from the other perspective.

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abandoned386

Sapper, that's an interesting point. Thinking about it, I believe NC is good for some situations and not for others. In your case I would be trying my butt off to do whatever and everything I possibly could to fix it all. You two sound like you've had a really nice time together and have only had issues caused by an obvious outside reason. She hasn't done anything bizarre to cause you to hit her with NC unlike my situation where mine disrespectfully and cowardly disappeared while I was asleep. If I were you I would fight like heck constantly to get her back until it seemed absolutely impossible.. And from what I've heard from you I definitely don't think it's at that point. Good luck with it of course and I am here to talk and help however I can.

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abandoned386
I wish there were a way to get you my number! I'm hurting so bad right now and just want to talk to people who understand

 

Thank you babysacay.. I'm definitely here for you and everybody else.. And I want/need the same.. Need to be with people who know how it feels and hurts. I don't understand how our exes can be so indifferent and complicated.

 

Another thing I've been thinking about a lot since I woke up earlier.. Does anybody else have a particularly tough time when you wake up every day and remember they're now an ex? I don't know if it's just me because I woke up to my breakup text and it's a particularly sensitive area or what.. But it really sucks to wake up and come to my senses every day and be reminded daily that that happiness is a thing of the past. A really crappy way to start the day.

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Sapper, that's an interesting point. Thinking about it, I believe NC is good for some situations and not for others. In your case I would be trying my butt off to do whatever and everything I possibly could to fix it all. You two sound like you've had a really nice time together and have only had issues caused by an obvious outside reason. She hasn't done anything bizarre to cause you to hit her with NC unlike my situation where mine disrespectfully and cowardly disappeared while I was asleep. If I were you I would fight like heck constantly to get her back until it seemed absolutely impossible.. And from what I've heard from you I definitely don't think it's at that point. Good luck with it of course and I am here to talk and help however I can.

 

 

Thank you,

 

Yes we were perfect in every way, except for the fact that i did lie to her.

 

I keep trying to imagine just how amazing we would be now i do not have the stresses of having these outside influences (i say these because it goes deeper but i must be careful on what i write).

 

 

The problem is that her head is all over the place at the moment, one minute she is considering trying and the next i get a "theres no going back message" and then i am blocked. A few days pass and im communicating with her again.

 

I did NOT initiate NC.

 

NC was a request from her a few days ago. Looking back over her messages when this ugly issue came to light, about a week afterwards one of her messages was

"i need time and some answers to get my head around things"

 

I ignored that because i wanted to give her the answers that she needed - she had suffered days of misinformation prior to this as she didnt speak to me.

 

I am at a loss as to what to do, I want to respect her wishes and not contact her, for a few weeks at least. i want her to regain my trust and showing her respect is a start.

 

On the other hand, it pains me to sit by knowing that she will likely be wondering if i am talking to the other again - i want her to know that i am not. The first time we spoke on the phone regarding this she did say that after the call she spent the whole day "wondering if i was talking to her".

Im concerned that she will see my respect for no contact as me giving up and turning elsewhere. That is not the case.

 

I DO NOT want time to erode away the love she still holds for me but on the other hand i know she needs time to miss me too.

 

AGGGH!

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Thank you babysacay.. I'm definitely here for you and everybody else.. And I want/need the same.. Need to be with people who know how it feels and hurts. I don't understand how our exes can be so indifferent and complicated.

 

Another thing I've been thinking about a lot since I woke up earlier.. Does anybody else have a particularly tough time when you wake up every day and remember they're now an ex? I don't know if it's just me because I woke up to my breakup text and it's a particularly sensitive area or what.. But it really sucks to wake up and come to my senses every day and be reminded daily that that happiness is a thing of the past. A really crappy way to start the day.

 

I felt that way at the beginning of the breakup. Now I wake up in disbelief at how awful he was to me by leading me on and gaslighting me and making me question my own sanity. I can't wait to get back to who I was before I met him.

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Another thing I've been thinking about a lot since I woke up earlier.. Does anybody else have a particularly tough time when you wake up every day and remember they're now an ex?

 

I have a tough time waking up but in all fairness im having an awful time sleeping and i know my ex is restless too, from what shes said and i believe her.

 

I have not managed more than three hours sleep a night for the past month (since this started). my Ex stated that she cannot remember the last time she had a proper nights sleep. I do, it was the night before this all came out, we were together.

 

An example of my sleeping pattern, it is now 3am Thursday here, im working nights until 7am. I went to bed at 11:50pm on Tuesday. i woke up at 3am Weds and havent slept since.

 

I actually woke from a very real and upsetting dream, i thought i had been messaging my ex. The dream was so real i had to check my phone.

 

 

Other effects this has had...

 

Weight loss, my Ex says shes lost weight, i, myself lost 16lb in less than 30 days im 6ft 2 and 198lb so i cant afford that yet i cant eat, when i tried earlier i managed a single round of bread.

 

I found myself hyperventilating about 2 hours ago, i felt myself go light headed and my legs started to get tingley, luckily i caught myself and managed to get it in check

 

I feel, mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted, and it is making me very ill.

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abandoned386
Thank you,

 

Yes we were perfect in every way, except for the fact that i did lie to her.

 

I keep trying to imagine just how amazing we would be now i do not have the stresses of having these outside influences (i say these because it goes deeper but i must be careful on what i write).

 

 

The problem is that her head is all over the place at the moment, one minute she is considering trying and the next i get a "theres no going back message" and then i am blocked. A few days pass and im communicating with her again.

 

I did NOT initiate NC.

 

NC was a request from her a few days ago. Looking back over her messages when this ugly issue came to light, about a week afterwards one of her messages was

"i need time and some answers to get my head around things"

 

I ignored that because i wanted to give her the answers that she needed - she had suffered days of misinformation prior to this as she didnt speak to me.

 

I am at a loss as to what to do, I want to respect her wishes and not contact her, for a few weeks at least. i want her to regain my trust and showing her respect is a start.

 

On the other hand, it pains me to sit by knowing that she will likely be wondering if i am talking to the other again - i want her to know that i am not. The first time we spoke on the phone regarding this she did say that after the call she spent the whole day "wondering if i was talking to her".

Im concerned that she will see my respect for no contact as me giving up and turning elsewhere. That is not the case.

 

I DO NOT want time to erode away the love she still holds for me but on the other hand i know she needs time to miss me too.

 

AGGGH!

 

Sorry if I'm all over the place with my reply points in relation to the order that you presented them, but I want to say some things before I forget them.. I'm sort of distracted in the background at the moment but I'm here.

 

First and most importantly, since you're limited on the ability to talk to her, I think you definitely need to make a list of the absolute most important things you need to say to her to help her trust and confidence the next time you get to speak to her in depth. I know it's easier said than done.. because I'm going through it too, but try as hard as you can to use the "suffering/quiet/without her time" to strategize and be productive as opposed to sitting around worrying. I feel like it both helps us remain positive and takes our minds off of the thought of the worst outcome.

 

And trust me I totally understand what you're saying about the time/space thing. I've been there and I still kinda am.. it's like you give her the time and space that she requested but you feel like that time and space without your input/presence is also allowing her to move on.. when all we want to do is be there and talk to them and fight our butts off to get this thing back to the way it should be. All I can really say to that is try to remain as positive as possible while you take it day by day and never consider it to be fading away or ending until you notice something blatantly obvious saying so. & I don't blame you at all for ignoring the time request that one time.. especially in the case of her having misinformation.. sometimes we have to do whatever we can regardless to fight for what's ours. Don't blame you at all.

 

I'm really sorry to hear that you're dealing with a malicious outside problem and I totally understand the need to keep it anonymous.. From everything you've told me here I completely agree with the way you've handled the whole thing so far. Just use your time wisely, both with her and without.. and as far as the lie.. I don't consider that to be anything big at all.. we all make mistakes and I think you understand the consequences of it and learned from it.. and I think she realizes that about you too.

 

Did she give a reason for "there is no going back"? and Surely if she needs "answers" about some things, she expects you to be there with her to give her those answers that she needs? How else would she get those answers? Also a good sign that she unblocks you. If she didn't care, I don't think she would unblock. Just some additional things I think/wonder.

 

I truly believe you can get this relationship back to the way it was, with time and work. Just keep at it and stay positive.. and remember it could be worse.. she could be ignoring you completely on day 27 like mine is. I'm glad she is not. I totally understand your "AGGGH!" I do. This a frustrating and painful thing.

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abandoned386
I felt that way at the beginning of the breakup. Now I wake up in disbelief at how awful he was to me by leading me on and gaslighting me and making me question my own sanity. I can't wait to get back to who I was before I met him.

 

I'm glad to hear you've made progress. I feel my own too, daily, and I'm glad for both of us. I definitely feel the disbelief, too. I don't understand how people can be this way. I know we'll both get back to how we were before we met these people.. eventually.

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Sorry if I'm all over the place with my reply points in relation to the order that you presented them, but I want to say some things before I forget them..

 

........Did she give a reason for "there is no going back"? and Surely if she needs "answers" about some things, she expects you to be there with her to give her those answers that she needs? How else would she get those answers? Also a good sign that she unblocks you. If she didn't care, I don't think she would unblock. Just some additional things I think/wonder.

 

.

 

Thank you for your amazingly positive reply, you dont often see them here. especially towards someone where the blame stops with solely them.

 

To answer the question,

 

the search for answers and space came a week after the revelation, so in all fairness i am sure she did need that, however as you already noted, i really did need to give my side and that, along with external influences has shown the whole charade in a truer light. (sorry to be vague).

 

The unblocking was not done without difficulty, she has unblocked twice now, the first time was after our first meeting where i was able to show her things and sincerely apologise. the second unblock was after a telephone call with information that had developed regarding the other one, Despite all going reasonably well, i was blocked the next day on both accounts.

 

I understand that she is riding an emotional roller-coaster at the moment, i am too. Its so difficult to keep yourself in check though, after being blocked for a few days and having to resort to email, once given the text/IM platform, things get carried away very quickly - with all the control in the world at attempting to avoid the matter at hand it isnt easy. For example, the last block came on Sunday where we were chatting fine and then i came out with "i dont want to keep dwelling on the subject but..."

 

that then put my ex on the defensive, a few messages later and *poof* she was gone.

 

Ive not heard from her since.

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abandoned386

Having a rough night tonight.. not sure what set me back a little.. but I'm not too worried about it. Accepting it as part of the fight and continuing on.. I can't seem to shake wanting a text or a call from her. I don't particularly want it because I miss her.. I think it's because I just can't believe or accept how she just disappeared so heartlessly. I can't fathom it. I want closure. I could never imagine doing such a thing somebody and I can't understand why someone I was with for more than 2 years would do it to me. I accept the outcome but I can't accept how she went through with it. To me it is JUST LIKE someone very close to you dying. Just seemingly disappearing and you cannot contact them. And then turn that around and remember that this person did not die; they are still on this earth. Ignoring you.

 

I can't seem to stop checking my phone even though I already know there is nothing new on it.. and I hate that. Hopefully soon the habit of checking AND hoping will fade.

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Thank you for your amazingly positive reply, you dont often see them here. especially towards someone where the blame stops with solely them.

 

To answer the question,

 

the search for answers and space came a week after the revelation, so in all fairness i am sure she did need that, however as you already noted, i really did need to give my side and that, along with external influences has shown the whole charade in a truer light. (sorry to be vague).

 

The unblocking was not done without difficulty, she has unblocked twice now, the first time was after our first meeting where i was able to show her things and sincerely apologise. the second unblock was after a telephone call with information that had developed regarding the other one, Despite all going reasonably well, i was blocked the next day on both accounts.

 

I understand that she is riding an emotional roller-coaster at the moment, i am too. Its so difficult to keep yourself in check though, after being blocked for a few days and having to resort to email, once given the text/IM platform, things get carried away very quickly - with all the control in the world at attempting to avoid the matter at hand it isnt easy. For example, the last block came on Sunday where we were chatting fine and then i came out with "i dont want to keep dwelling on the subject but..."

 

that then put my ex on the defensive, a few messages later and *poof* she was gone.

 

Ive not heard from her since.

 

No problem, brother. Like I said, I'm here for you. We're here for each other. This sucks, royally. I want to make sure I'm understanding the timeline up to now.. are you blocked now? I hate hearing she blocked you in any case, especially on multiple accounts, but again it's huge to me that she is unblocking you at all.

 

 

I understand that she is riding an emotional roller-coaster at the moment, i am too. Its so difficult to keep yourself in check though, after being blocked for a few days and having to resort to email, once given the text/IM platform, things get carried away very quickly - with all the control in the world at attempting to avoid the matter at hand it isnt easy. For example, the last block came on Sunday where we were chatting fine and then i came out with "i dont want to keep dwelling on the subject but..."

 

that then put my ex on the defensive, a few messages later and *poof* she was gone.

 

Ive not heard from her since.

 

Regarding this.. I totally understand what you're saying. if my ex actually contacted me I am also worried I would fly off the handle and say 110% more than I mean to.. and I don't even mean in a yelling/mean way. I would just be totally in shock that I finally have an opportunity to say what I've been bottling up for so long. This is definitely another 'easier said than done' thing.. but maybe the way to handle this is.. the next opportunity you get to talk to her.. start off by throwing her a short but strong statement confirming your interest and attention and then give her the floor, so to speak. Let her say what she needs to say before you say much so that you don't say anything that sets her or the progress back. Give her as long as she needs/takes. Find out as much as you can about where she stands with you two and then let analyze and base your response on it. Let her lead for a little while and then give your side. And this may be painful but if it comes down to it let the next communication point be all hers and then use the down time to analyze and then come back with your response the time after that. May be a good option to follow anyways keeping things from going too fast.

 

The biggest thing right now.. especially with her emotional roller-coaster.. may just be to give it time. and of course I hate saying that.. because I definitely don't want anything to fade. Maybe you can find a way to incorporate both periodic talks AND giving her time.. by taking the communication slowly when it does happen.

 

The poof she's gone again part of your last post sucked, needless to say. I hope you get another opportunity to talk to her very soon. And when you do.. just be sure to confirm your interest and attention and then let her drive for a little while. Not sure if you can answer these questions based on the anonymity rule which I totally respect.. and if you can't not a problem.. but I'm just asking them to figure out the separation info..

 

 

1. When was the breakup?

2. Do you know if you are blocked now? and

3. How many days between each communication/blocking?

 

With her still holding your hand and kissing you post-breakup and especially admitting she still loves you, I seriously don't take much long-term negative from her last email to not contact her. I think she just needs time and some space mostly. I am confident she will take the time and space you give her right now and she will come back thankful and refreshed. The last contact was last Sunday 6/25 right? Let's aim for July 8th and see what happens. I know that sounds terrible.. but my 90 day goal is September 13th.. so remember it could be much much worse.

 

Let me know how you feel about all this. I hope all of this made sense.. I'm tired and it's unbelievably hard to focus with my mind racing going through all this crap (my own situation, I mean. I don't mind discussing yours.)

 

I'll leave it here for the moment.

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Thank you babysacay.. I'm definitely here for you and everybody else.. And I want/need the same.. Need to be with people who know how it feels and hurts. I don't understand how our exes can be so indifferent and complicated.

 

Another thing I've been thinking about a lot since I woke up earlier.. Does anybody else have a particularly tough time when you wake up every day and remember they're now an ex? I don't know if it's just me because I woke up to my breakup text and it's a particularly sensitive area or what.. But it really sucks to wake up and come to my senses every day and be reminded daily that that happiness is a thing of the past. A really crappy way to start the day.

 

Yes I know this feeling very well from each relationship of mine ending. My councillor calls it separation pain. It's aweful tends to happen most upon waking in the morning

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Well these last few hours have been a real roller coaster.

 

I decided to attempt contact again, i wrote a very heartfelt letter briefly explaining why i thought prolonged seperation without communication was a bad idea in this instance. I also included scriptures and passages regarding second chances and forgiveness, giving my own interpretation of them (my Ex is a practacing Christian - and i was coming around too).

 

For reasons i cant really type here ,i decided that it was important that she read this letter as soon as possible so i emailed a copy, i didnt hold out much hope of it reaching her as i imagined she had marked my address as spam.

nevertheless The email briefly explained that i do not expect a reply to the letter (attachment) right away or if at all, but i would like a reply stating that she got it so i knew i wouldnt need to post a copy.

 

I am still unsure but i do think she actually got the initial email, however to make sure, i sent the same email from a different address. now i KNOW she got this one.

 

Ive had no reply or response whatsoever.

 

I did send an email to her a couple of weeks ago when we were in low contact, when i spoke i asked if she had read it she said she had read it a few times and liked where it came from.

 

I think outside .influence' may have convinced her to delete the email without reading the attachment but i am hoping she has read it and isnt ready to respond until she has had time to digest it...

 

but its hard.

 

I have spent the last six hours breaking down in tears knowing that this was my last ditch attempt, I accept that there is nothing more i can do but i am really not coping very well at the moment.

I have to move in August and am seriously considering giving up everything and leaving my job to move back with my parents, at 43 years of age that is pathetic but without her, i have noone here. I have my job and one or two fair-weather friends (who i rarely see, maybe 4-5 times a year). I feel so lost and alone and i must admit that dark thoughts have crossed my mind.

 

To the malicious b**** who stuck her oar in and may well be reading this:

 

Thank you for ruining my life! I often classed you as my best friend, you were successful with your plan 18 months ago when you split my then G/F and i up. Yes, you won me for a while. I quickly realised that i did not want to be with you and continuously tried to push you away, usually on a monthly basis.

You persisted in pestering me to talk to you using emotional blackmail to get me to respond. over and over you did this, when i met my ex, yes i did remain 'close' to you for the first month but i immediately told you of her as soon as we became established as a couple. Again i tried and tried to be rid of you but i was too afraid you would do what you did in Feb 16 if i did.

When i finally grew a pair and ignored you for a month despite your constant pleas of "i need my best friend" or "you said you would always be in my life" even emails like "if you give up on me then i'll give up on me too!" you did EXACTLY what i expected.

 

I tried to keep you in my life at arms length because you said you needed me to be. I needed you out of my life but was afraid. i Had to LIE because of you!

I Loved HER! and SHE loved me, VERY, VERY much! Why couldnt you just walk away and leave us in bliss? You have not only broken the pair of us but there was her child involved too!

 

Well, guess what? IF you think i am going to turn to you for comfort and solace, you can think again! do you think i am going to repeat the cycle?

 

I HOPE YOU ARE PROUD OF YOURSELF!

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  • 2 months later...
Looking For Honesty

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/627996-hurting-but-healing

 

Reply to final comment on this thread. #20 - 30th June 2017, 12:23 AM

(I would have quoted some of this but with delays in activation I have missed the 60 day cutoff)

 

 

You are UNBELEIVEABLE!!

 

You NEED to start taking Responsibility for your own actions.

 

You caused all of this with the web of lies that you have spun for three years and now you are here spreading more lies to anyone who will listen and believe you. Looking for sympathy from strangers because you have no one left due to your own behaviour.

 

The short truth of your actual ‘Girlfriends’ since leaving your second marriage in August 2014, not including the ladies that you considered ‘worthless flings’ or ‘one night stands’.

 

 

  • GF 1 - November 2014 – May 2017

(cheated with 8 others minimum)

 

  • GF 2 - June 2015 – May 2017

(cheated with 5 others minimum)

 

  • GF 3 - June 2016 – May 2017

(cheated with 4 others minimum)

 

Every story has ‘two sides’ but YOU have created one that actually has FOUR!

 

Each of your THREE Girlfriends believed that they were in a loving, mutually exclusive relationship with you & we ‘ALL’ loved you, you were very convincing to us all making plans & promises for the future to each of us using our dreams or insecurities to your full advantage. You systematically lied to each of us over the last three years and never actually ended any of these relationships before moving on to your next ‘Target’!

 

That is what made this situation so insane & devastatingly stupid of You.

I know that if you had been completely honest with me, that our relationship would have ended in a friendship and my support, which you required so often, would still have been available to you. Unfortunately your decision to cheat, lie & control put paid to that, I hope you Truly Understand the consequences of that.

 

Personally, I (GF 2) constantly asked you for assurances that I was your only love interest because of your sporadic behaviour and frequent emergency ‘family visits’ where contact would be distant or broken.

 

There was No Malice involved in the revelations that lead to your exposure.

There was however much Pain, Heartache & overwhelming Disbelief for all three ladies involved and for yourself.

 

The true reason that you were exposed was my shock & disgust at your constant deceit with that weekend being the ‘final straw’, You had told me that you were visiting your extremely sick mother but I was informed by a mutual friend that you were actually a wedding with another woman on your arm (GF 3).

 

 

 

So having repeatedly asked you for the Truth to no avail, I decided the only way to get this was to contact her instead, she then contacted the third lady of this story (GF 1) only to discover that relationship had not ended either. I was not a ‘malicious ex’ when this all came to light, I was simply ‘your girlfriend’ looking for honesty. You had frequently told me that you had split from ‘GF1’ and wanted to concentrate on our future and that ‘GF3’ was ‘just someone you dated in our 3 week split’ who ‘meant nothing’. You would repeatedly come to me for the Love & Support that you knew would be forthcoming and arrive at my door at anytime day or night with your own key (which you have withheld from me since our split in May, another form of your continued manipulation!)

 

Yet you are still blaming me for this whole situation but you need to realise that ALL Responsibility for Pain felt by all involved here lies with YOU!

 

 

 

Stop the Lies!

Accept Responsibility!

Embrace the Truth!

 

As for you closing line in your last post,

 

Yes, I am Proud that after Two Years of Your Manipulation & Control I finally found enough strength to Expose YOU for the Evil, Twisted Narcissist that I finally realise You are!

 

 

I do regret the pain that these revelations have brought to everyone involved but I also know that I am NOT to blame for that. The Truth Needed to Breathe!

 

You can call me as many nasty names as you wish but you know that I am a Loving person with a good heart who you took advantage of.

 

I have offered the hand of friendship to anyone who has been affected by your poison and I welcome them to contact me at anytime that they feel the need. I will help and support them as they rebuild strength & move towards a poison free happiness.

 

So, I thank you for the new friends that you introduced into my life x

 

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  • 1 month later...

Just now seeing this thread. This is horrible! I was in a relationship for 7 years and she dumped me via text too! 7 YEARS BRO. I have been going NC for about 4 months now. The journey is ROUGH. But I would be lying to say I haven't seen any progress in myself. NC does wonders. Being dumped by any other form other than IN PERSON or at the very least, a phone call, means you were DEVALUED. At least in my eyes that's what it means.

 

KEEP PUSHING guys. They made that cowardly decision. But sometimes, the thing you wanted the most could turn out to be the GREATEST thing that NEVER happened for you. If anybody wants someone to vent to, I am all ears. Because I know that the hardest part is ACCEPTING the new reality. Accepting the fact that your new reality says that you are SINGLE now. That's tough, but I believe in all of you! STAY STRONG MY LOVESHACK FAM!!

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