From sane girl to crazy girl - how my exfiancé drove me insane

[Myforkintheroad]

I've been on this site for a little more than a day, and it's overwhelming the sense of comfort I've found in knowing that I'm not the only one in such grief over a breakup. I was really beginning to think I was crazy. And at the same time I'm in turmoil that others are suffering like I am. But I'm so thankful we have a place to share and find support. Thank you all so much for sharing.

 

Here is my story. Two years ago I was newly divorced after a ten year marriage. I didn't love my ex husband anymore. We married much too young. He agreed the marriage had run its course. We parted ways very amicably.

 

Shortly after the divorce I had a few flash in the pan romances. I was 31 and newly single. I spent my whole 20s in a serious and deeply committed relationship. So hey, I was going to have fun! Well within three months of having fun, I met Rob. I never intended to fall for him. He was much younger, he had a daughter, we met on Tinder. He was supposed to be harmless fun. But oh he wasn't. I fell for him and i fell hard. We both did. Within one week I knew I loved this man with everything I had. It was so exhilarating to feel this kind of love for the first time in my life and he absolutely convinced me that he was crazy about me and wanted me forever.

 

Of course, there were red flags. The first day I welcomed him into my home, he complained about my television. Yes, my TV. After making him dinner after he got off of work, he then proceeded to launch into a five minute diatribe about people who own TVs are lazy and dumb. Well, I owned a TV. But I was not lazy or dumb. I have a degree and a career with a high paying salary. I served my country and deployed in support. I hardly call that lazy. In that moment for some reason I was deeply offended. The first words that popped into my head were "get out". I wanted to take a stand for myself and all the TV loving Americans who were hard working and good. But I didn't. I brushed off my hurt feelings, laughed them off and considered myself silly for being offended over a comment about a television.

 

Within two weeks I was meeting his daughter. And finding out I was the only real relationship Rob had ever had. Soon after that he moved in with me. I was blissfully happy. Yet we kept having our silly and deeply confusing disagreements. I'll try to summarize. There are so many.

 

He was uncomfortable that I had a Facebook with male friends. Solution: I deleted my Facebook. He was uncomfortable that I had male friends following me on Instagram. Solution: I blocked them all. He was unhappy that I worked out at a gym on the military base I was assigned to. Solution: tough ****. I ran a fitness program aimed at helping women get fit to pass their physical readiness tests so they wouldn't get kicked out of the military. I wasn't going to let them down. He was NOT happy about this. He was unhappy that I owned a Jeep. Because women who drove jeeps are usually sluts. And perception is reality. WHAT?! He literally said that to me. I didn't even want that stupid jeep, I was forced to take it in my divorce. Solution: I vowed to get rid of it as soon and it was financially reasonable (i.e. I wouldn't be upside down on payments). He hated my clothes, I bought new ones. He hated my lip gloss, I stopped wearing it. He hated my TV shows, so I stopped watching. Basically Rob was deeply insecure. And he had no problem launching disturbing comments that made me feel that the solution was to isolate me from the world to make him happy. And ultimately that's what happened. And I did it freely and happily. I cut out most of my friends and distanced myself from family for the sake of hoping that he would see my loyalty to him and he would one day trust me. Even though I gave him zero reason not to trust me in the first place.

 

Fast forward to a year later. We got engaged. We move across the country together. I have a good job and he's jobless. But I support him. I help him. Because we're a team and if I were jobless he would help me. Right? Right? But instead he lashes out, tells me I don't inspire him, picks the most out of nowhere and confusing fights with me, and actually packs his **** and leaves in the middle of the night while I'm at work. He drives back across the country, and then tells me he made a mistake and wants to come home. I'm deeply hurt but I see he's deeply hurting too. I took the first possible flight to him, and drive with him back across the country to our new home.

 

Sigh. But now something terrible has happened. I resent him. I'm angry. After everything I've done for him, I never feel like I'm good enough. I'm pissed off that he doesn't trust me. I'm pissed off that he treated my mother and best friend like **** when he met them after we moved here (oh yeah, that happened, and he's still not sorry for it). And then he gets a job. A very high paying one. He's now making more than me and he takes me to a work party, where he then proceeds to ignore me, openly flirt with and get drunk with his boss, and then later shoves me down a hallway and calls me his "fun-ruiner."

 

Now I'm really mad as hell. But I love him so damn much that I fight with myself and stomp my feelings down. I begin therapy. I have to find out why we keep fighting and I assume it's all my fault. I'm angry and Rob hates my anger, so i have to fix it.

 

Fast forward to this April. I'm in the depths of a deep depression at this point. I have no friends in the new city we live in, I've isolated myself from the world, I have no attention from my fiancé because he loves his work so much he chose to work 12 hour days for 10-12 day stretches, he routinely cancels plans or shows up late to plans with me, and I'm a mess. I'm a damn mess. Crying. Yelling. Super emotional. I need him more than ever. I need to feel important to him again. Then he leaves.

 

That's it. He just leaves. He comes home one day, says he's sorry but this isn't working for him. That he wants to focus on his career and not us, but he hopes we can still be friends.

 

After almost two years of plain crazy insecurity and clingyness to me, now he leaves. He tells me I'm ****ing ridiculous for asking him to take days off of work to spend with me. But I changed my whole world to accommodate him and his needs!

 

That was four weeks ago. And I'm still mad as hell. And yet still laying in bed crying wishing he would come back and love me again like I loved him.

 

There is just so much more to the story. I haven't even began to elaborate on just how crazy I acted when he left. But I assure you it was nuts. And I assure you I'll be reaching out to everyone who posts about their shameful breaks of NC with a "girrrrrl, I've been there." Because I have. Today is only day 5 of NC for me. If you made it this far, thank you so much for listening.

[Myforkintheroad]

Oh my goodness I just realized I cursed a lot in my post. I'm so sorry! I really am angry huh.

[VeveCakes]

What you have described is an extremely abusive relationship. You have achieved the hardest part which is ending it, whether it was your choice or not, consider this a blessing in disguise. Maintain that NC no matter what. Get into therapy. Reach out to family and friends for support. Get outside, get a hobby, stay busy. You are going to be ok, and much much happier very soon.

[Myforkintheroad]

VeveCakes, thank you. I need all the perspective I can get. Days after the break up i began feeling good. Like I could take a deep breath and be comfortable in my own skin again. Then he came back with the I miss yous and requests to help him watch his dog and I went back to square one. I WILL maintain NC this time.

[salparadise]

And yet still laying in bed crying wishing he would come back and love me again like I loved him.

 

 

I'm sorry for what you've been through and hope your healing will progress quickly. Stick with the therapy.

 

I would just like to emphasize how important it is that we see people as multi-faceted and learn to see what is rather than falling in love with our own fantasy or idealizations.

 

I'm sure that from now on you'll ask your dates how they feel about TV and pay closer attention to how they answer.

[LostOnes05]

Wow, your ex sounds like the male version of mine. BUT you sound like an incredibly strong woman, so I know you'll be fine. I completely understand from a male perspective. This person you put your all into, takes it, tries to change you (not for the better), puts you through crap and then wants out. It hurts...it makes you angry...it makes you lose trust in people. Then you look at yourself and say, "What in the world?! Why did I let it get this far?!"

 

Maintain no contact from here on out. Doesn't matter if he says his great grandmother's cousin's second daughter's niece's dog died...all he should hear is silence from you. Your mind may be confused and your heart conflicted, but your gut will never lie to you. It will either lead you to the right decision or the refrigerator!! Trust it! Best of luck in your healing process...take your time.

 

By the way, he sounds more insecure than the person who created the word.

[hippychick3]

I am so sorry for all you've gone through. You were definitely in an abusive relationship with this person. No matter who ended it, it is in your best interest that it's over. I think a good therapist will be helpful so you can avoid getting into any future abusive relationships... Identifying red flags early enough and loving yourself enough to know you would never tolerate anything but the best treatment from an emotionally healthy partner. When we are not emotionally healthy, we attract those kind. We have to work on oursleves to be as healthy as possible so we have the best chances of a good healthy relationship.

 

He will very likely return, and I hope that it happens at the point where you have realized you deserve much better and would shut the door in his face with no hesitation.

 

Take care. It will get better and one day you will look back on him with utter disdain and true disgust.

[DontBreakEven]

Oh boy. Oh wow.

 

This post is exactly what my life would have been like had I not ended things with my abuser (which was VERY difficult for me), all the way down to moving across the country and supporting her - thank god it never got that far. I had the weird TV fight right away (mine wasn't over a TV, but over a menstrual cycle - don't ask).

 

I know it's hard. I know you felt such a deep bond. But trust me, you have dodged the biggest bullet of your life. You would have been depressed and in therapy forever. At least now you will just be acutely depressed for about 6 months, and then one day you will be able to be happy again. You would have never had that bright of a future had he stayed. TRUST ME.

[DontBreakEven]

I would just like to emphasize how important it is that we see people as multi-faceted and learn to see what is rather than falling in love with our own fantasy or idealizations.

 

Dear god, yes. I quoted Maya Angelou many times during my liason "when someone shows you who they are, believe them". I was in love with a fantasy. What actually was ... I hated 90% of it.

 

OP, this is spot on. I bet you would tell me you hated 90% of it too. Remember this.

[Myforkintheroad]

*sits down, pulls out pad and pen* Before we begin, tell me your thoughts on 42 inch flat screens and Netflix." Ooooh this made me laugh. I needed that. Thank you Salparadise. Being blinded by fantasy and not seeing what was right in front of me was certainly my downfall.

 

LostOnes05, yes! I'm in the beginning stages of "what in the worrrrrld" while still missing him. It's heart wrenching and embarrassing at the same time. Thank you for understanding.

 

Hippychick, when we are not emotionally healthy, we attract those kind. Thank you for that!! Looking back I wasn't emotionally at my best before I met him and then spiraled out of control as the relationship continued.

 

I sincerely appreciate everyone's input. You guys are wonderful.

[Imajerk17]

I am sorry to hear OP. BUT, you probably realize that you were not a victim. YOU were the one who acquiesed to your ex-fiance's unreasonable demands, no one else. I realize this sounds harsh but it is true. Hopefully you are in therapy to understand why you did all this.

Edited May 27, 2016 by Imajerk17

[Myforkintheroad]

Imajerk17 - it's not harsh. It's the truth and I whole heartedly agree with you.

[Satu]

Your ex is an abuser.

 

I'm glad you're not with him any more.

 

For the sake of your own peace of mind, you should go for a very strict No Contact policy with him.

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete him from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

Don't allow him to reel you back in.

 

Now put your feet up and watch some TV

 

 

Take care.

[LostOnes05]

This is what happens when you just have cable...get DirectTV. Ok, I'm done. Have a great weekend!

[Downtown]

MyFork, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., event-triggered irrational anger, verbal abuse, controlling behavior, temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, and always being "The Victim" -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I'm not suggesting Rob has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he may exhibit strong traits of it or another PD.

 

I caution that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether Rob exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

 

I was really beginning to think I was crazy.

If you really have been dating a BPDer for two years, "crazy" is exactly how you should be feeling. Because BPDers typically are convinced that the absurd allegations coming out of their mouths are absolutely true -- they generally have a greater "crazy-making" effect than can ever be achieved by narcissists or sociopaths.

 

This is why that, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. And this is largely why therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning.

 

He absolutely convinced me that he was crazy about me and wanted me forever.

If Rob is a BPDer (i.e., has strong and persistent symptoms), he very likely did feel that way. During the courtship period, a BPDer's infatuation with you is so intense that it convinces him you pose no threat to his two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. In that way, his infatuation holds his fears at bay -- until it starts evaporating, which typically starts occurring 4 to 6 months later.

 

He then proceeded to launch into a five minute diatribe about people who own TVs are lazy and dumb.... women who drove jeeps are usually sluts. And perception is reality. WHAT?!

This behavior is called "black-white thinking." As occurs with BPDers, this all-or-nothing thinking also is evident in the behavior of young children -- who will adore Daddy when he is bringing out the toys but will immediately flip to hating Daddy when he takes one of them away.

 

Like young children, BPDers are too emotionally immature to handle strong mixed feelings, ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of interpersonal relationships. They therefore tend to categorize everyone as "all good" ("with me") or "all bad" ("against me"). And they can recategorize someone -- in only ten seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based solely on a minor comment or action.

 

He hated my clothes.... He hated my lip gloss.... He hated my TV shows.

That's a lot of hating, a lot of anger. Significantly, Inappropriate, "intense anger or problems controlling anger" is one of the nine defining symptoms for BPD.

 

Basically Rob was deeply insecure..... the solution was to isolate me from the world to make him happy.... He was uncomfortable that I had male friends following me on Instagram.

If Rob has strong and persistent BPD traits, his greatest fear is abandonment. Due to this fear, BPDers typically express irrational jealousy and show a great need to control their partners -- trying to isolate them away from friends and family.

 

He doesn't trust me.

Because BPDers are emotionally unstable, they are unable to trust themselves. Until they learn how to do that, they are incapable of trusting anyone else for an extended period. The result is that a BPDer will administer a series of ***** tests -- generally in the form of unreasonable demands or abusive actions -- to determine whether you are still loyal. Importantly, passing a test does nothing to improve his ability to trust. Rather, it only means he will raise the bar higher on the next test.

 

He lashes out, tells me I don't inspire him, picks the most out of nowhere and confusing fights with me.... I have to find out why we keep fighting.

If he is a BPDer, the primary reason he creates fights over nothing is that his two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- lie at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you are always in a lose/lose situation. As you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.

 

Hence, as you move close to a BPDer to assure him of your love, you will start triggering his engulfment fear, making him feel like he's being suffocated and controlled by you. Yet, as you back away to give him breathing space, you will find that you've started triggering his abandonment fear. And, sadly, there is no midpoints solution (between "too close" and "too far away") where you can safely stand to avoid triggering the two fears. I know because I foolishly spent 15 years searching for that Goldilocks position, which simply does not exist.

 

Leaves in the middle of the night while I'm at work. He drives back across the country, and then tells me he made a mistake and wants to come home.

BPDer relationships are notorious for a cycle of push-away/pull-back. Hence, if Rob is a BPDer, consider yourself lucky he left only once before later ending the R/S for good. A BPDfamily survey of about 460 such relationships found that nearly a fourth of them (23%) went through 10 or more complete breakup/makeup cycles BEFORE finally ending for good. About 40% of the BPDer relationships experienced at least six breakup/makeup cycles before ending. And 73% had three or more breakup/makeup cycles before finally ending. See "Results" at BPDfamily Breakup/Makeup Poll.

 

After almost two years of plain crazy insecurity and clingyness to me, now he leaves.

Yes, he has left. But he left before and then returned. I therefore suggest you take a look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join Sal, Satu, and the other respondents in discussing them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose Rob's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid returning to this toxic relationship or, if you do decide to stay away from him, avoid running right into the arms of another man just like him. Take care, MyFork.

[Itspointless]

I hope you try to be alone for a while. I would like to meet someone nice again, but I actually am very happy alone. Who would have though that in 2013. Seriously we learn from other but changing who we are to please, please do not do that ever again.

[Myforkintheroad]

Downtown, it's taken me a while to reply. I wanted to spend time processing this before I said anything further. I've read and re-read your assessment of my ex along with the warning signs of BPD every day and every day my eyes open a little wider. I'm still plagued by my own back and fourth thinking where I spend too much time rationalizing how I contributed to the demise of the relationship (it's much easier for me to take the blame and carry that burden) to acknowledging that my gut feelings of hurt and anger are there to remind me that perhaps I wasn't always wrong. In fact, I was in a lose/lose situation with him from day one.

 

 

I appreciated your explanation how we all exhibit traits of BPD from time to time in our lives, because as I read them I certainly had my oh crap- that's me, moments. In the days following our break-up I was the queen of push away/pull back, I hate you for doing this/I love you come back. But I can confidently say that the majority of the signs of BPD have been a part of my ex's every day living since long before I met him. And now that I know what they are I can start making honest assessments of the situation instead of pathetically crying in my coffee every morning and into my pillow every night, questioning my own mental health and never figuring anything out.

 

 

The hardest part of this break up hasn't been losing him. He's gone and that's okay. But what really bothers me is looking at myself and not knowing who I am anymore. When he left he didn't just hurt my feelings and make me cry, he left me alone not knowing what the hell to do with this shell of a person that I've never been before. At least I can say I've learned so much. I felt a little foolish when you said learning the signs of BPD is like that of learning the warning signs of breast cancer and heart attack, it's not about diagnosing, it's about prevention. Man, that spoke to me. Talk about an ah-ha! moment. I'm a nurse and have spent my entire adult life teaching patients about their health and prevention but I've neglected to do that for myself. Nurses make the worst patients afterall.

 

 

Well this turned into one long-winded response to which my ultimate goal was to convey a heart felt thank you, Downtown. It feels like you took me by the shoulders, set me in the right direction, and now I can start walking forward again. I'm so grateful.

[Myforkintheroad]

Itspointless, yes. I agree with you. Being alone is at the top of my list of strategies for restoring a sane me. I haven't been alone outside of a relationship since I was a teenager. What's up with that?? I don't know yet but I'm dedicated to figuring that out. I'm so glad you found happiness in being alone. This gives me a great deal of hope and something to look forward to.

[Downtown]

I felt a little foolish when you said learning the signs of BPD is like that of learning the warning signs of breast cancer and heart attack, it's not about diagnosing, it's about prevention. Man, that spoke to me.

MyFork, I'm glad to hear you found the BPD information helpful. As a nurse, you must be painfully aware that there is a world of difference between "spotting symptoms" and "diagnosing." In the field of psychology, however, many laymen confuse these two terms. A true diagnosis occurs only when the underlying CAUSE of the symptoms is determined -- not when the symptoms are spotted or described. Unfortunately, the psychiatric community is still unable to "diagnose" personality disorders in that way -- i.e., in the way that term is used in all other scientific fields. When a psychologist tells you he has "diagnosed" someone as having BPD, he only means that he has determined that the behavioral symptoms are severe and persistent.

 

In every field of the medical sciences, however, "diagnosis" does not occur by simply telling you the severity or persistence of your symptoms. On the contrary, the doctor usually relies on YOU to provide that information. This is why the very first thing he will ask you is what symptoms you've been experiencing, how severe they are, and how long they have been occurring. Indeed, in the rare cases where a patient is unable to spot and describe the symptoms, the disease is said to be "asymptomatic," i.e., without symptoms. This means that, by definition, symptoms are things laymen are able to spot. If you cannot spot them, they are not symptoms.

 

Hence, when a medical doctor gives you a diagnosis, he is not describing your symptoms. Rather, he is telling you what causes the symptoms that you have described to him. If instead the doctor were to simply tell you that your stomach pain and headache are at a level 10 on a 10-point scale -- and then tell you to pay $200 on your way out -- you would be furious.

 

For several decades, psychologists tried to diagnose like the rest of the scientific community -- i.e., they seriously tried to identify the underlying causes of behavioral symptoms. Sadly, the result was an unmitigated disaster. It was so bad that a client seeing three different psychologists likely would be given three different diagnoses. According to one published academic study, their inability to agree was even worse than that: it found that the psychologists' diagnosis of personality disorders were in agreement only 20% of the time.

 

By the mid-1970s, the field of psychology had become such a joke to the scientific community that the American Psychiatric Association (APA) members decided to abandon their futile efforts to diagnose mental disorders. Specifically, in 1980 the APA stopped trying to identify the causes of the behavioral symptoms. Instead, it adopted a new approach (DSM-III) in which it identifies only the symptoms themselves.

 

The irony, of course, is that the APA decided to use the term "diagnosis" to describe this process of rating the severity of symptoms. Never mind that nobody has yet been able to prove, to a certainty, what it is that CAUSES personality disorders. Although there are some good theories and empirical evidence, it is yet unproven as to why BPD and other PDs occur in some abused children but not in others.

 

Unfortunately, this misuse of the term "diagnosis" has confused a large share of the lay public. Many laymen fear that, if they start speaking of behavioral symptoms in an educated manner, people will think they are trying to do an "armchair diagnosis." The unfortunate result is that many people remain fully reliant on street language instead of using the wonderful vocabulary of descriptive terms provided by the APA's DSM.

 

These fearful folks confuse "spotting symptoms" with "making a diagnosis" even though there is a world of difference between the two. They don't realize that the psychiatric community WANTS them to learn how to spot these behavioral symptoms -- i.e., the warning signs associated with each disorder. This is why hundreds of mental health institutions describe these behavioral symptoms on their public websites.

[Raena]

Girrrrl.... I havebeen there. I have. Your description of this situation is very similar to what I experienced with my ex as well. The only difference is, I let mine go on for 11 years and had a child with him. Count your lucky stars that he's gone now before that happens to you.

 

The empty feeling you described... that's how I've been feeling for the past 3 years since he and I split up. I feel like I enmeshed him into my life and squashed everything that I spent years building up before I met him. So much so that when I finally ended it, I felt like there was nothing left of me. Just like you, it was little things along the way that eventually added up to a long list of things I had to change about myself. Some of it was good for me, most of it wasn't. It's never healthy to completely lose yourself in someone else. Unless you are building each other up instead of tearing each other down, it's not healthy. I look back now and wonder who the hell is that girl? I mean, why on earth would any woman put up with this kind of crap! Certainly not me! Well, I did. I could tell you stories that would make your head spin. He literally drove me nuts. I swear I could have been considered to be actually certifiably crazy at certain points in my relationship with him because he dragged me down to his level... and I let it happen.

 

The thing is, people like you and me mixed with someone with signs of BPD is a perfect storm. The more you give, the more he takes until there is nothing left but a husk of who you used to be.

 

There is a guilt that comes along with recognizing that yes, you did play a role in this situation. It's a painful guilt because really, it's shouldn't be bad that you want to make other people happy and would bend over backwards to be a giving, forgiving, caring kind of person. Only with someone who does nothing but take and take is this a terrible combination.

 

I had to learn to find and make boundaries. It's important that you do the same. Without them, you run the risk of getting yourself into yet another unhealthy relationship.

 

If you looked back at the entirety of you relationship and tried to figure out where the breaking point should have been, I'd guess it was probably with the TV diatribe. Trust your gut instinct the next time. In that moment, you knew it wasn't right and shoved it down instead of addressing it. Next time don't do that. For me, it was the very first time I met my ex (by happenstance, not a date). He became extremely intoxicated, was sweating like a pig and telling crazy stories about being arrested etc.(none of which was true) It was nuts. I didn't like him. The next time I ran into him, he was sober and apologetic and for whatever reason I ended up sitting up all night long talking to him. We connected the second time but if I had followed my gut instinct... that first meeting was the truth about who he was. He hid who he really was from me just long enough for me to fall head over heels in love with him and then the truth came out. Then he pushed and pulled for YEARS. I knew it was wrong but I loved him so much I couldn't walk away for good. We split up several times but always ended up back together because I felt something with him I had never felt before. Now I know that it was because that kind of feeling is not normal!

 

That feeling was so strong that even now, 3 years after we have split up I still have moments where this intense sorrow washes over me, I miss him and I cry like it all just happened. How crazy is that? I miss a man who hit me, hurt me, cheated on me, used me and has made zero effort to be a father to our child. I realize now that it's ok to miss the good stuff but I can't forget what he did. You can't either. Don't let yourself get sucked back in when he comes back around... because you know he will. My ex knows better than to try and get me to take him back at this point, but that doesn't stop the heartfelt, page long texts in the middle of the night where he goes on and on about how sorry he is, that I was the best thing that ever happened to him and screwed it up. Blah, Blah, Blah. Yeah, I was good for him but he was BAD for me. I know how easy it is to get sucked back in but you can't let it happen.

 

I don't know if anything I've said here makes any sense to you but if you learn anything from me... learn to forgive yourself for allowing it to happen and then take every step to make sure it never happens again.

 

Good luck...