Short-term relationship, long-term effects

[DazedandConfused8]

Well I'm back here posting again Apologies for the long post!

 

I broke up with the girl described here almost three months ago but I'm having trouble getting her/us out of my head. Seeing how this was a relatively short relationship (about three months), it might not seem like the relationship was as serious as it was. But to me, it was. It was my first serious relationship (anything sexual, anything more than a date or two with a girl) since breaking up with my fiancee described here. It felt amazing to be together with someone, to have met someone with common interests, and for us to be so into each other.

 

The relationship was moving quickly and I was okay with that. It was moving quicker than some others may have thought was okay (and faster than I may have gone with other girls), but with this one it was okay. We took a trip together (not incredibly expensive, but pricey), spent a lot of time together, did a lot of museums and movies together, and enjoyed each other's company. She motivated me to get my work done early so I could go spend time with her; I'd leave work early or go play hookie with a long lunch just so I could stop in and say hi. I lost many hours of sleep because I was talking to her on the phone, or because we wanted to spend time together and stayed awake until the wee hours of the morning just talking or watching a movie. I had a lot of thoughts and anxiety about where I'd move her stuff to when she moved into my place – that was my internal thinking. I thought it was cute. I never told her that.

 

Shortly after the trip I went away for work for two weeks. We kept in contact mostly through email, since the place I was had poor cell service: in some places zero, in other places enough to send a text but not to make a phone call. She mentioned that something had happened at work, but wouldn't say what. I didn't want to push the issue, so I figured I would wait until we could talk in person to figure it out.

 

My plane landed and I waited up until about 1:30am for her to get off work. It was our first time seeing each other in two weeks. We talked, cuddled, had sex, and watched a movie and fell asleep at her place. The next morning we woke up and I was expecting we could spend the day together; she said she had plans so I left. I didn't hear much from her for the rest of that day, the next day she was working and also couldn't talk much, and then came Sunday.

 

On Sunday she said she got off work early and wanted to come to my place. She had mentioned she wanted to watch a movie a few days ago, so I got that movie ready and thought it would be cute to surprise her. She got to my place and asked if we could go for a walk. I didn't think any of it, thinking she wanted to go walk to a store to get some snacks or food. Instead, her first words once we were away from my place were "you know I'm not happy..."

 

From there we talked about all the things wrong with the relationship: the sex issues, that we should have been farther along in our relationship by that point, that I was too good for her, and so on. There was one stupid thing I said: very early in our relationship (like, within a month) she invited me to be her date at her brother's wedding. This would have been my first time meeting not only her extended family, but also her immediate family, so I stupidly said "well that's a little formal to meet for the first time, isn't it?" She didn't say anything at the time, but she said that comment ate at her to no end: she thought I didn't want to meet her family and thus I wasn't serious about dating her. I acknowledged how stupid this was to no end during our talk but it didn't matter - the damage was done. The sex issues (described in another thread) were not only mine, but hers as well. She refused to do certain sex acts (BJs or even touching my penis) and we only showered together in the dark. I thought that meant she had been raped or sexually abused, but I never asked her and we never discussed it. She had only alluded to certain things in her past. In turn this played on my anxiety, making me wonder what had happened and also affecting me sexually.

 

I thought we could have worked on things, she did not. She thought I was cold and dispassionate during these talks, which re-affirmed her thoughts that I wasn't serious. She tried asking if we could remain friends, since she always stays friends with her exes. I said no - I didn't meet her with the intention of being friends, I met her to date her. She asked for a hug goodbye - I said no. I walked back to my place and could hear her fall against her car crying. I didn't look back; I only went back to the parking lot to see that she was gone (and that my car wasn't damaged). The worst part of all of this is that I felt blindsided. It makes me feel like an idiot, like I could/should have seen this coming. But it also makes me question why we had such different versions of reality, where she wasn't expressing what she was thinking and I wasn't picking up on it, so it was almost like we were in different relationships.

 

We went cold without talking for a few weeks, then she texted me asking if we could start fresh - as friends at first, but working on getting back together. She said talking to her friends and family made her realize that she had over-reacted by breaking up rather than discussing with me and giving us the chance to work on things. This was okay with me. But after trying to schedule a time to get together for coffee/drinks/dinner/whatever, she said she was working too much, was too emotionally affected by all of this to work on things, and that she generally goes pretty quiet and dark after a breakup. I asked her to reconsider but without luck.

 

That was around beginning/mid September, and it's driving me crazy that we couldn't work on things. I want to talk to her and figure things out, start fresh, whatever we want to call it. It feels silly to be this infatuated and still hanging onto things so many months later for what was a relatively short relationship. So I'm posting here, mostly for advice but also to get it off my chest. I don't know where to go from here and feel trapped between either trying harder to contact her again or just stay angry/upset for a while longer and see what happens. Part of me wants to do the Hollywood thing and send her flowers/leave a nice note on her car/call her and apologize to no end and ask for another shot. But another part knows it's pointless.

[DazedandConfused8]

Don't all reply at once now

[mightycpa]

She refused to do certain sex acts (BJs or even touching my penis)

Unless you're like 50, in the long run, this is too damaged to live with. Forever is a long damn time, and unless you're similarly damaged, you'd find that awfully hard to live with, because it denies a certain intimacy.

 

she wasn't expressing what she was thinking and I wasn't picking up on it

ditto.

 

You can do better.

[LostOnes05]

Sorry dude, that sucks. Don't send her a thing. She is confused and only she can sort out her true feelings and intentions. She has to come back to you, not the other way around. In regards to sex, not wanting to at least touch the D would've made me ask immediately what was wrong. There's gotta be something going on there but I wouldn't contact her at all.

[DazedandConfused8]

Appreciate the feedback so far. Keep it coming please!

[Silver_star]

I think she is trying to move on with her life now. She was pretty clear with you in the break up. Girls don't say they are unhappy over little things.

She doesn't want to meet up. If she was reeling like you seem to be over this, then she would find a time to meet for a coffee or something, but she is taking steps to get moving on.

 

 

Sometimes it gets to be too much . Too many issues that shouldn't be there in a healthy relationship, too much emotional back and forth and people decide that they are done TRYING so hard to make it work. Every one has a limit. Maybe she will want to talk with you about it in the future, but it sounds like she needs to remove herself from something that wasn't making her happy and you need to move on to a new chapter as well that will be a lot healthier when you know what you want.