Engaged couple separated due to stress

[DazedandConfused8]

Yesterday my life changed. My financee (engaged for 5 months, together for 4 years) told me she wanted a “break” and packed up her things to stay with a friend for a while.

 

I'm shocked, confused, heartbroken, and upset.

 

This year has not been an easy year for us: we're both in school full time, I work full time and she works part-time. Finances were a frequent issue as we adapted to 2 people living off the salary of 1.5 people, however we've adapted and have been doing better. Our wedding planning was coming along well: we've hired a planner, picked the venue and photographer, given our deposits, and so on. With our busy lives, we stopped communicating and stopped making time to BE a couple. If she was done school or work at 7pm she'd come home, we'd have dinner, watch some TV, and go to bed.

 

We were having a busy year but it was about to be over and I thought things would get better: she graduates next month, I graduate in August. After that we'll both have stable, full time careers, and be able to work on spending more time together. Or so I thought.

 

We just went on vacation three weeks ago to visit with family. It was a great time to get away and relax. I always feel we connect better and have a really great time when we're on vacation, away from the stressful deadlines of work and school.

 

I thought this would get better after our graduations and that we could work on everything. Her complaints were a variety of issues about her and I. On the one hand, she complained that our relationship had lost its spark, which I agree with, and was both of our faults. She said she wasn't feeling sexually attracted to me and had to try to have sex. However, she also blamed herself and her career: she has dreams about travelling the world, seeing the sights, and maybe even changing cities for work. So do I, and I thought we would do those things together.

 

One comment that caught me off caught was that she felt the relationship was actually “too stable.” She swung from an abusive boyfriend who wouldn't let her have a driver's licence and destroyed her SIN card to me, who helped her get her licence and SIN card immediately. She swung from regular drug use (usually with and because of that boyfriend) to someone who said “no, you're not going to do that with me.” In the 4 years we've been together we've grown so much as individuals and as a couple, with new friends, family, qualifications, jobs, and education. She said she felt she was holding he back and couldn't take an interest in what I like doing, but she also said she felt I was holding her back by being too stable. I thought we would make decisions together about what's best for the both of us, but I guess she feels that doing so is limiting her freedom.

 

Both of us come from previously abusive relationships with boyfriends and girlfriends as well as parents. Neither of us are perfect, but where I saw the opportunity for us to grow and learn together, I guess she saw that she was overwhelmed and needed to take a break.

 

We're planning on getting married, buying a house, and maybe having kids in the future. To me, this is only the start of our relationship – the tough times while we get our degrees and jobs to be able to finance and support our future dreams. However, to her she feels this is too fast and too much like settling down.

 

There is nothing I wouldn't do for this woman. Part of me feels like this is the usual jitters that every couple gets before getting married: the questions running through their heads about whether they REALLY want to go through with the marriage, and after a few weeks she'll be back home and we can work on things. However, another part of me thinks that was the end, and that the next time I'll hear from her will be to gather the rest of her things and divide the property and money we have. Right now she says she wants at least 6 weeks to reflect on herself to decide which path is the best option. I would really like to get into counselling either during that 6 weeks (while we live apart) or immediately after (assuming we're back living together).

 

Any help or advice you can offer is great.

[No Limit]

Careful about breaks. There is often cheating involved, especially when they get cold feet.

 

I'm not the optimist of this forum so I'll advise you to slowly but surely distance yourself from her. This behavior most certainly isn't normal and if she feels uncomfortable around you because it's going too fast then it's basically over already.

You can't take a break from a marriage. What is your future supposed to look like if she takes a run whenever she pleases?

At the very least I hope you didn't go shopping for a ring yet.

[johnson_j]

Every break I've seen is a break up.

 

 

hang in the bud sounds like a tough situation.

 

 

I'd recommend limited contact with her.

[Mr.Pine]

She said she wasn't feeling sexually attracted to me and had to try to have sex.

 

Huge red flag. She is no longer into you. She has found someone else. She wants 6 weeks, but will probably not be back.

 

Advice? Go NC and still see that therapist...for YOU.

 

She has made it abundantly clear that you're not doing it for her anymore. In my experience, when the sex dries up, so does the relationship.

 

Sorry, brah. It's over.

[Elle1975]

Huge red flag. She is no longer into you. She has found someone else. She wants 6 weeks, but will probably not be back.

 

Advice? Go NC and still see that therapist...for YOU.

 

She has made it abundantly clear that you're not doing it for her anymore. In my experience, when the sex dries up, so does the relationship.

 

Sorry, brah. It's over.

 

I agree. Especially about the therapist. That will help you see the situation more clearly.

 

I'd distance myself indeed. Don't let the break be "her" break. Take one too. Actually, I think I'd tell her to come pick up the rest of her stuff, but that's your decision.

[FortunateSon]

As others have said "breaks" are the pre-cursor to break-ups and her getting involved with other people. People that want to be with you don't take breaks. By the sounds of it, she has checked out and it's over. You will likely be the fall back crutch if the "break" doesn't develop like she is hoping, but even then you will only remain the comfortable option until something else comes along.

[Elle1975]

As others have said "breaks" are the pre-cursor to break-ups and her getting involved with other people. People that want to be with you don't take breaks. By the sounds of it, she has checked out and it's over. You will likely be the fall back crutch if the "break" doesn't develop like she is hoping, but even then you will only remain the comfortable option until something else comes along.

 

Mhh yes.. to me a "break" means "I need to time go check out the other guy's grass.. I will be back if it doesn't work out".

[faithfully]

I have to fully agree with what everybody has said about a break, 99% of the time it means its ok. Taking a break doesnt work, its a way for them to get over you, exactly the same thing happened to me. He took a break to speak and see his ex. Stupid me stuck around. Dont make the same mistake.

 

Go NC and work on yourself.

[DazedandConfused8]

Thanks to everyone for your replies.

 

Well, she came back this evening to gather a few more things. She's clear this is a break up (not a break), and that at the end of the 6 weeks she's pretty sure her feelings will be unchanged and that she'll be back to get the rest of her things and discuss dividing our property. However, that felt like a bluff since there's no way a person can make such a decision in only 4 days and declare that they won't be changing their mind in 6 weeks time.

 

She said it came down to her being able to "find herself," finish school, and see where she wants to go from there. She kept saying she was holding me back, which feels like the inverse of her saying she thought I was holding her back. I was very happy with her, and every time I thought of our future it was our future (not just mine). She's going to be in an industry where she *could* have the opportunity to work elsewhere (so am I), but we were both willing to discuss our options and make a decision.

 

*Part of me* feels this is like some sort of weird test to see if I'll get stupid or do something crazy (rebound with the first woman I see, stalk her, whatever). Another part of me believes this really is just a way of taking a "break" from a relationship and feeling free to live life however she wants.

 

I will be pursuing counselling for myself, but I'd really like her to be there at least for some of the sessions (either before or after the 6 weeks) so that she can express how she's feeling and (hopefully) so the counselor can bridge the gaps in our understandings.

 

Does anyone have any knowledge or experience in doing this and whether it worked well?

[Strength in Healing]

I know psychology better than most people know how to breathe.

 

Listen to me, it's over. She found someone else, or is interested in someone else and is about to make it happen. It hurts, trust me. I was engaged after 6 months and in a 4 year relationship when she told me she was no longer attracted to me. Then she got with a new guy and moved in with him 2 weeks later and now gets physically abused. Dumb ass.

 

Anyways, she isn't coming back. The relationship isn't coming back. Put up your shield brother the flames are coming, stay strong. You'll be a phoenix when it's said and done.

[FredJones80]

Then she got with a new guy and moved in with him 2 weeks later and now gets physically abused. Dumb ass.

 

This made me laugh out loud, not because the situation isn't serious, its horrible for you and horrible to be physically abused. It was just the flippant remark at the end... "dumb ass" lol.

 

I wouldn't ever advocate physical violence but this is like the upper most... the grass ISN'T greener outcome. Some people should appreciate what they've got, not what they think is better.

[DazedandConfused8]

I met with a counselor today who was very helpful in answering many of my questions, and sorry guys, but I trust her advice over those saying "meh, it's done, don't speak to her and move on."

 

Her suggestion was to NOT stop contact, and to actually keep in contact. That doesn't mean text her or call her 40 times a day, but it means checking in to see how she's doing and reminding her that I'm still here.

 

Her other suggestions were to try to get to counselling as soon as possible; don't let this "let's wait 6 weeks before doing anything" kick in because it could be a way of distancing over that period rather than actually working on it. Speak to her honestly and frankly. Tell her how I'm feeling. If she resists or remains non-committed to attending just one counselling session, try to appeal to her empathy and ask how she would feel if she was just dumped one evening without any warning or answer. Let her know that she's in control.

 

So that's where we are right now. I will post an update when one is available. Feedback is always welcome...

[mtnbiker3000]

I'd find another counselor...

[inlin]

Her suggestion was to NOT stop contact, and to actually keep in contact. That doesn't mean text her or call her 40 times a day, but it means checking in to see how she's doing and reminding her that I'm still here.

 

Just no, dont do that at all. Once she goes YOU go NC. You saying "Hi I'm there for you and we can talk." is the reason why she is leaving you, because well... your too nice and sweet. If she is leaving you for you, then acting the same wont make her come back to you. She left/leaving you for a reason. Same thing happened to me. I'm not saying to change or that your a bad guy, but that you deserve someone else and someone who will appreciate you. Not these I spent 4+ years together and I dont know if I want to be with you kinda *****.

 

You said she was in an abusive relationship before but with you it was level. She misses the "excitement" of the bad relationship. This is clear where she says that its too "stable", red flag that its boring/routine. This is where you have to stand your ground and please dont be on the side-line saying how you'll be there for her. Dude she left you after being engaged and being in a 4+ year relationship and I know you are confused and even in denial. Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. I highly advise you move all her stuff out asap and tell her to take it.

Edited May 16, 2014 by inlin

[DazedandConfused8]

I'd find another counselor...

 

Because you're more qualified than a psychologist with an MSW?

[Survivor12]

Sorry, but from what you've told us--particularly the fact that although she has broken up with you but YOU are still planning on counseling together--shows that you have the tendency to be controlling. Re-read your OP. it's all about what you thought & what you expected despite what she was saying and how she was acting. You dismissed her feelings in every case.

 

Her decision to leave didn't happen overnight. She hasn't been happy for some time. She has told you that she wants to live her own life & make decisions for herself, but instead of giving her the time and space to do that, you have decided to ignore her decision and, if she "resists" your plan for couples counseling, to attempt to emotionally manipulate her into getting what you want.

 

I may have this all wrong, but if not, I assure you, that tactic is guaranteed to erase any doubts she may have had about leaving.

[mtnbiker3000]

Because you're more qualified than a psychologist with an MSW?

 

Nope. Because what you describe her saying is absolute horse shyte. Actually some of the worst advice I've ever heard.

 

And, yes I have been in therapy and reading a ton of material over the last year since I was dumped and joined this forum. And, again, this is THE WORST ADVICE I've ever heard...

 

If you follow her advice, you'll know soon enough if I'm talking shyte, or she is...

[mtnbiker3000]

Well, she came back this evening to gather a few more things. She's clear this is a break up (not a break), and that at the end of the 6 weeks she's pretty sure her feelings will be unchanged and that she'll be back to get the rest of her things and discuss dividing our property.

 

 

Wow, she has the courage and maturity to give it to you straight, and you close your eyes and stick your fingers in your ears...

 

However, that felt like a bluff since there's no way a person can make such a decision in only 4 days and declare that they won't be changing their mind in 6 weeks time..

 

Do you really think her decision was formed just 4 days before?? You can't be that naive...

 

*Tip* Women decide to end a RS long before informing their mate that they are leaving. She has already gained the necessary support from friends and family as well as grieved and mourned the loss of you and the relationship. You are just the last one to know...

[DazedandConfused8]

Well, I'm doing my best to not contact her. It's been a week since I last saw her (last Sunday). On Friday I put out a feeler to see what her reaction was to us getting together for some coffee sometime, and she said sure, she would let me know.

 

It's crazy tough waiting for her response, not knowing whether it's going to be tonight, tomorrow, or in 2 weeks. Especially with the fireworks tonight, I'd really like to invite her out just to see them then head home - no drama, spontaneous, maybe chat a bit - I *think* starting small with a mini-get together like that would be good, but I'm heeding others' advice in not contacting her or inviting her out.

[BC1980]

Well, I'm doing my best to not contact her. It's been a week since I last saw her (last Sunday). On Friday I put out a feeler to see what her reaction was to us getting together for some coffee sometime, and she said sure, she would let me know.

 

It's crazy tough waiting for her response, not knowing whether it's going to be tonight, tomorrow, or in 2 weeks. Especially with the fireworks tonight, I'd really like to invite her out just to see them then head home - no drama, spontaneous, maybe chat a bit - I *think* starting small with a mini-get together like that would be good, but I'm heeding others' advice in not contacting her or inviting her out.

 

I would tell her she has one week to get her sh*t before you box it up and leave it at the curb. Time to move things along.

[jbelle6]

There is no coming back from the sexual attraction thing, I am telling you that as a woman. And she didn't just make a decision in 4 days, women aren't decisive like that usually. I'm not proud to say it but I once left a guy the way your girl left and I had lost feelings for months before I got the nerve, and when I did leave, someone else was waiting for me. I'm sorry but I'm 99% sure that you will find out someone else is in the picture. I have never seen a break not be a break up either.

 

After her comment, as a man I think you should NC, don't give her the power, it won't make her come back and you'll look weak. You'll feel like total utter crap after too. I have never gone back with an ex because he was "there for me" or because he begged, that's just unattractive and I have to agree with the other poster that your councilors advice is not any I'd be following.

 

So nope, not a councilor, but I am a woman who's been in a similar position as your ex and I'm just telling you where my head was at that time.

[giblesp]

Don't waste your time with a woman who is clearly quite destructive. She said its over and has gone. There's much better out there and by the sounds of it she has done you a favour by leaving.

Edited May 19, 2014 by giblesp

[giblesp]

.

 

 

 

Do you really think her decision was formed just 4 days before?? You can't be that naive...

 

*Tip* Women decide to end a RS long before informing their mate that they are leaving. She has already gained the necessary support from friends and family as well as grieved and mourned the loss of you and the relationship. You are just the last one to know...

 

This is very true. They'll sleep with you, eat with you and in their minds they've moved on.

 

Happened to me. Looking back, it was f in obvious that she'd gone, that she was seeing someone else. But I ignored the obvious signs and believed her lies. A mistake not worth making.

 

OP, why the hell are you waiting for her to get in contact with you? 'She'll let you know.' BS. She already has. Don't become her punching bag, she will kick you when you're down if you show this weakness.

 

This is a test, but its not from her its from life. You want a woman who's into you right? So why are you compromising yourself and settling for less? Millions of women on the planet, and you're waiting on her. That doesn't make sense.

Edited May 19, 2014 by giblesp

[bubbaganoosh]

Well, I'm doing my best to not contact her. It's been a week since I last saw her (last Sunday). On Friday I put out a feeler to see what her reaction was to us getting together for some coffee sometime, and she said sure, she would let me know.

 

It's crazy tough waiting for her response, not knowing whether it's going to be tonight, tomorrow, or in 2 weeks. Especially with the fireworks tonight, I'd really like to invite her out just to see them then head home - no drama, spontaneous, maybe chat a bit - I *think* starting small with a mini-get together like that would be good, but I'm heeding others' advice in not contacting her or inviting her out.

 

You put out a feeler. Leave it at that. Do no more. Honestly, I wouldn't have done it but since you already have, make no more moves.

 

The last thing you want to do is make her feel like your needy and clingy. That makes things worse because you give her all the power and in most cases you'll wind up dancing like a puppet on a string for her.

 

Right now she has a few boxes at your place and all that becomes is memories of things you can't control.

 

When she comes to pick up the rest of her stuff, have it outside the front door and make it a point not to be there and if need be call and get it over with ASAP. If there is any kind of division of other property, wait for her to call you and if she wants to come over and discuss it, nix the idea and get it squared away over the phone.

 

The longer all this goes on, the longer it will take you to heal so if it has to be done then get it done with speed and do not make any more contact with her. By the way. get your ring back too.

[Mr.Pine]

*Tip* Women decide to end a RS long before informing their mate that they are leaving. She has already gained the necessary support from friends and family as well as grieved and mourned the loss of you and the relationship. You are just the last one to know...

 

This... 100% fooking true.