Copter Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 Dear reader(s), I broke up with my gf last week as I felt she was not the 'one'. We both cried, since we still care very much for each other, but somehow I did not see a future with her. But after breaking up, I THINK I do see a future together, I know how this sounds, but still.. We were both leading very busy lives and did not see each other that often, this could be a reason for the feeling. I thought I should feel relieved, having finally said it, but I truly don't. I am a wreck. We texted each other the day after, talking about how much we were both hurting. And it could very well be I made a huge mistake, I am thinking about rekindling, as I am quite sure she will want to. But I am afraid the old 'you're not the one' feeling will come up, and I have to break it off again, hurting her, which is the last I want. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 There is no such thing as 'the one', just as there is no such thing as a 'soulmate'. You find someone, and flaws warts and all, you have a mutual attraction.You build on the initial attraction and work together to make the relationship stable. You have to have the following three components. They are a must. Without one of them, the other two cannot sustain the relationship, so they all need care and nurturing, all the time. Trust Communication Respect. Everyone wants to be understood, appreciated and loved. Ensure the three main components are forever present, and work on the essentials, above. Tell her you think ypu well and truly f**ked up. Biggest mistake of your life. Could you BOTH work on this and ensure you both have a grreat life together? 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Ariess10 Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 I don't know anymore about dating tell you the truth .. I'm 32 and have been in my fair share of relationships , some were great for the most part some weren't .. After this last one I am really lost with all of it .. I think dating and having someone in your life is very complex , do I think there is "one" person for everyone in this world , I don't think so anymore . I think people just tend to get "used" to that person they date and settle .. I don't know maybe it's because I'm 4 months into a break up.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Copter Posted July 20, 2015 Author Share Posted July 20, 2015 There is no such thing as 'the one', just as there is no such thing as a 'soulmate'. You find someone, and flaws warts and all, you have a mutual attraction.You build on the initial attraction and work together to make the relationship stable. You have to have the following three components. They are a must. Without one of them, the other two cannot sustain the relationship, so they all need care and nurturing, all the time. Trust Communication Respect. Everyone wants to be understood, appreciated and loved. Ensure the three main components are forever present, and work on the essentials, above. Tell her you think ypu well and truly f**ked up. Biggest mistake of your life. Could you BOTH work on this and ensure you both have a grreat life together? Thank you for your quick and helpful response! The first and last are certainly present, communication has sometimes been a little rocky. Since we were both a little turned into ourselves. What I think the main problem was, was that sometimes I was not 100% attracted to her, and sometimes I was. I do not feel as if I am this ever-doubting person, but when it comes to relationships, I think I am. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 Read up on effective and successful communication. Speaking your mind should benefit both of you, and bring solutions you can both work with.... "Own" your perceptions, feelings and responses. If something makes you mad, explain 'It makes me mad when *this* happens', not 'YOU make me mad when you....' Different things affect different people in different ways. For example, leaving the top of the toothpaste may be trivial to some, and earth-shatteringly disappointing to someone else. Understand that if you are together, you are not surgically joined at the hip. A successful relationship permits both partners to breathe unstifled, and unfettered. This is not to say either of you have carte blanche to disregard the others' principles and standards; guidelines and boundaries have to be established; but you are two individuals with a right to live certain aspects of your lives, free of guilt or obligation to the other.... That's where Trust and Respect matter. And without Communication, you can see how Trust and Respect would be largely ineffective... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 i believe in true love and that it brings out the best in you and that that is the psychical evidence of true love manifested. You may get confused by familiar feelings of electric zings but unless they produce love in the tangible realm .. it's not of any real significance.. with true love you should be a better person on your own 1 Link to post Share on other sites
infiniteQuest Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 I'm going to suggest for the two of you to take time apart / go NC for some time. The main reasons are because 1. you don't seem to know what you want 2. you don't have enough perspective on what went wrong right now 3. you need to figure out how to make yourself better so you can sustain a better relationship in the future, and work on those aspects Your feelings are doing a lot of the talking for you right now, and you're being pushed and pulled between your feelings and your logic. You wouldn't know how to fix your uneasy feelings about the future with her if you were to go back to the relationship. I understand you want to go back and fix things, but sometimes, taking a step back is more useful than jumping back into the dynamic that was confusing you and made you break up in the first place. Let her know that you have work to do on yourself, and let her go and grieve and carry on with her life. End on a good note, but don't string her along. In a month maybe you can be honest with yourself about what was missing in your life with her, and maybe you'll come to some new realizations that you simply don't have the capacity to process at this moment. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 See this post for the other side of a similar story: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/538863-man-i-dating-up-until-yesterday-real-catch Link to post Share on other sites
Author Copter Posted July 20, 2015 Author Share Posted July 20, 2015 Thank you all for taking the time to react and attempt to help me! And I am going to do what you advice, take a step back and put my thoughts in order. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Meli22 Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 (edited) I agree with the person who said there's no such thing as "the one" You either love someone or you don't. My ex and I broke up because of his doubts. He wasn't sure I was "the one" , he wasn't feeling what he thought he should be, he wanted things to be "perfect" etc etc. he basically threw 18 months away because he wasn't sure I was the one anymore. And why wasn't he sure? He doesn't even know himself. He is a perfectionist and he wanted us to be amazing all of the time, but he stopped trying. I never did, and I stood by his side throughout it all. People often get caught up in what they think they should be feeling and forget to live in the moment. There have been plenty of times in past relationships where I haven't felt loved up, or the spark has dwindled a little. But I always knew my feelings were there and I chose to love them anyway. Relationships take work and people often forget about that. I don't know what it feels like to fall out of love whilst in a relationship because I never stop trying. I guess everyone is different and people give up easily when the fumes of the honeymoon phase wear off or they get used to the other person and become bored/lose interest. OP I'm not saying this is exactly what happened with you but it's just something to consider Edited July 20, 2015 by Meli22 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Copter Posted July 21, 2015 Author Share Posted July 21, 2015 I agree with the person who said there's no such thing as "the one" You either love someone or you don't. My ex and I broke up because of his doubts. He wasn't sure I was "the one" , he wasn't feeling what he thought he should be, he wanted things to be "perfect" etc etc. he basically threw 18 months away because he wasn't sure I was the one anymore. And why wasn't he sure? He doesn't even know himself. He is a perfectionist and he wanted us to be amazing all of the time, but he stopped trying. I never did, and I stood by his side throughout it all. People often get caught up in what they think they should be feeling and forget to live in the moment. There have been plenty of times in past relationships where I haven't felt loved up, or the spark has dwindled a little. But I always knew my feelings were there and I chose to love them anyway. Relationships take work and people often forget about that. I don't know what it feels like to fall out of love whilst in a relationship because I never stop trying. I guess everyone is different and people give up easily when the fumes of the honeymoon phase wear off or they get used to the other person and become bored/lose interest. OP I'm not saying this is exactly what happened with you but it's just something to consider No I understand, and your view gives me indeed a whole other perspective. Maybe I explained it wrong, I understand there is no such thing as 'the one', but the love in our relationship seemed to be flowing away slowly, for me that is. But it could be because we were doing less and less together due to our busy schedules. Appreciate your response! Link to post Share on other sites
Meli22 Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 (edited) Oh yeah, it happens. It happened with my ex. He couldn't understand why I didn't feel "less" in love. I explained that I didn't feel the crazy butterflies anymore but to me that's normal after a while. I always wanted to do things/go new places to try and bring that spark back but he wouldn't because he thought it wouldn't help or change anything. It sounds like your busy schedules could definitely have something to do with this and at least you recognise it I agree with having some time apart to work through your feelings and try to see what was missing for you. Although 4 months apart with my ex and he still didn't know what it was. I hope it's different for you though. Edited July 21, 2015 by Meli22 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Copter Posted October 1, 2015 Author Share Posted October 1, 2015 It has been 2,5 months now and I have taken a few steps back since the beginning. Nevertheless keeping in contact, mainly via texting as I moved abroad for a couple of months. I found a few great friends here, so it is not as if I am very lonely here. But I still miss her a lot. When I wake up I want her to be next to me. I keep on reading stuff on this site and others in order to sort out my feelings, as I find it really difficult to sort them out myself. When I read these forums I cath myself hoping to find and realise that I made a mistake by leaving her. But is this because I truly do love her, or because I like to take the easy way, to get rid of the doubt? Link to post Share on other sites
Meli22 Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 It has been 2,5 months now and I have taken a few steps back since the beginning. Nevertheless keeping in contact, mainly via texting as I moved abroad for a couple of months. I found a few great friends here, so it is not as if I am very lonely here. But I still miss her a lot. When I wake up I want her to be next to me. I keep on reading stuff on this site and others in order to sort out my feelings, as I find it really difficult to sort them out myself. When I read these forums I cath myself hoping to find and realise that I made a mistake by leaving her. But is this because I truly do love her, or because I like to take the easy way, to get rid of the doubt? How do you feel when you picture her with someone else? Can you see yourself marrying her? Only you can figure this one out. The fact that a few months later you still miss her is telling. Link to post Share on other sites
OK_computer Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 I'm going to suggest for the two of you to take time apart / go NC for some time. The main reasons are because 1. you don't seem to know what you want 2. you don't have enough perspective on what went wrong right now 3. you need to figure out how to make yourself better so you can sustain a better relationship in the future, and work on those aspects Your feelings are doing a lot of the talking for you right now, and you're being pushed and pulled between your feelings and your logic. You wouldn't know how to fix your uneasy feelings about the future with her if you were to go back to the relationship. I understand you want to go back and fix things, but sometimes, taking a step back is more useful than jumping back into the dynamic that was confusing you and made you break up in the first place. Let her know that you have work to do on yourself, and let her go and grieve and carry on with her life. End on a good note, but don't string her along. In a month maybe you can be honest with yourself about what was missing in your life with her, and maybe you'll come to some new realizations that you simply don't have the capacity to process at this moment. This seems like one the few times the "i need space" is actually a legitimate statement. Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 For example, leaving the top of the toothpaste may be trivial to some, and earth-shatteringly disappointing to someone else. You know, it frosts my balls when my wife does that ****. On the other hand, you have to choose your battles. Link to post Share on other sites
feelingrawemotion Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 Dear reader(s), I broke up with my gf last week as I felt she was not the 'one'. We both cried, since we still care very much for each other, but somehow I did not see a future with her. But after breaking up, I THINK I do see a future together, I know how this sounds, but still.. We were both leading very busy lives and did not see each other that often, this could be a reason for the feeling. I thought I should feel relieved, having finally said it, but I truly don't. I am a wreck. We texted each other the day after, talking about how much we were both hurting. And it could very well be I made a huge mistake, I am thinking about rekindling, as I am quite sure she will want to. But I am afraid the old 'you're not the one' feeling will come up, and I have to break it off again, hurting her, which is the last I want. This is almost exactly what I did too... It's been 2 days and Im a wreck. I haven't texted her though. How is everything going now? Link to post Share on other sites
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