Break up 6 months ago and still struggling...

[jenlynn]

Hello All,

 

 

I've been reading through threads and it's helped a bit but I wanted to share my story (and was finally ready to I suppose) and see what insights, advice, words of encouragement- may be had.

 

 

Summation: We met when he was 27 and I was 28. Were together for 3 years and broke up when he was 29 and I just turned 31.

 

 

My ex-boyfriend and I met a few months after I moved to town. I had finished schooling and had to decide if I was going to stay in my state with all my family and friends are chart unknown territory. I packed my car, headed west without knowing anyone and not having a job. The job seeking was a slow process and I began meeting some people and trying new activities.

 

 

My ex and I met going up to the mountains to ski about 3 months after I had been living here. We went on our first date at the beginning of December and then I went back to my home state for a long holiday to see family and friends. Upon returning in the new year, he and I began seeing each other very frequently and by February it was clear we were exclusive. In March we began living together. He constantly talked about the future and never 'shy-ed' away from it. I know no one is perfect but he just felt like he was 'my guy' and it felt great that I had found him and he had found me.

 

 

We got along great, were communicative and just really enjoyed and loved one another. Life was great with some hiccups: he got 2 herniated discs in our first summer together and it turned out to be a nine month recovery, he also had a few struggles in sales and doubted himself a bit and then almost 2 years into our relationship he had to get ankle surgery (5 month recovery).

 

 

Major relationship milestones/timelines:

-Began living together

-First summer together he got 2 herniated discs and there was a nine month recovery

-Just fully recovered, we began looking at houses and bid on house on Feb 2013 and moved in March 2013

-We moved into our home and I started my new job at the same time

-Nine weeks later we got our dog

-That summer his best friend announced he was having a baby with his girlfriend- my ex was a bit bummed that clearly he wouldn't be having guy time as much anymore (they'd been friends for about 5 years at that point).

-September 2013: ankle surgery with 5 month recovery

-December/January 2014: Thought we were moving overseas with him company and were all set to go. It feel through.

-Winter/Spring 2014: He began switching companies. My work continued to be stressful.

-Spring 2014: We decided to get a roommate. I was not jazzed but since he brought it up, I figured that the extra money could be nice for us.

-Spring 2014: We went to Europe for a few weeks

-Spring 2014/Summer 2014: I'm going slowly nuts but managing okay. I'm cleaning the house, taking care of our dog, cleaning up after him (which is all okay) but our roommate turns out to be a slob especially, in the kitchen. My summer is now constant cleaning I feel like.

-August 2014: He gets promoted and is starting his new role but also phasing out his old one. He will do both roles from August-October. The new role also calls for him to start traveling.

-September 2014: Roommate moves out as we thought it would just be a summer thing. I need her to move out for my sanity and feel like we can be a family again.

-October 2014: We're on the run. He had 2 out of town conferences, we host him family for a weekend, it's my birthday, it's his end of the quarter, etc. I start to feel like we're not spending any time together and call him out on it. He gets defensive and says things haven't been good for 1.5 years.

-November 2014: We go on my birthday trip, he is distant. Five days later he breaks up with me.

 

 

Whew! But wait there's more! I had my suspicions and they were confirmed. He had been designing my engagement ring in August and September and had planned on proposing to me early November. I also found flirtatious messages between he and a female co-worker that started to form at the end of October. I was overwhelmed and quickly moved out with our dog- somewhat against his wishes.

 

 

So, I'm 6 months out of this and still struggling. I'm still in town but have no family, a few friends and I'm struggling financially. I'm still in love with him and it's hard b/c we share our dog. I was completely blindsided and keep thinking he'll 'wake up'. It's confusing b/c again, I still have to see him, he said when he was breaking up with me that he still loved me, I challenged him and I made/make him a better person. Also, 30 days prior (throughout October) he did or said the following things, which makes me even more confused:

 

 

-He started off hot on October 1st with showing me engagement ring designs on his ipad he had been saving. He wanted to know what I liked and didn't like.

-He bought plane tickets for trips for January and February 2015.

-He upgraded our hotel in Vegas for that November.

-He called early October from work and said he didn't know if he could do his new role, that he didn't like his boss, etc.

-He mentioned we needed to get our camera security system working again b/c he liked to see me and our dog hanging out when he was out of town and he missed us.

-We had a great time on my birthday/dinner (about two weeks prior)

-He laid a brick in front of our house with our names on it

-Talked about spending $500 or so at a shop to decorate our house

 

 

These are just some examples and there's plenty more. I just feel these aren't things that a guy says/does, who wants to jump ship.

 

 

I've been trying to give him space but I'm exhausted. I'm tired of seeing him all the time- having to do the small talk, not being able to kiss him, being stressed, etc.

 

 

In January, we talked and he said that he had gotten a grass is greener on the other side, in his system. He said that he needs a lot of reassurance and essentially, 'ego' stroking to feel good and supported. I explained that I showed my love in several ways- taking care of the house and our dog while he is away, making sure he had clean clothing, wanting to spend time with him, talking about our future, etc.

 

 

I just feel all of a sudden, he got very insecure and freaked out. It's sad and exhausting on so many levels. I'm thinking about moving back to my small hometown b/c here it's full of so many memories. Again, I don't have any family here. Many of the friends I made were through him (since we met so fast), I don't love my job, the housing/rental market here is insane and I'm beginning to think I can't afford to live here anymore. I don't want to feel that I'm giving up but I also feel that I need to be intelligent and know when it's time to throw in the towel. If I move back to my hometown (800 miles from here), I would want to take our dog. I'm not sure how he would respond to that.

 

 

Again, I just feel exhausted and confused. I feel that I supported him in so many ways (emotionally and mentally). I know and recognized that he supported me financially. We talked about finances though. It was decided that he can move up much faster in his career than I can in mine. So, it was his time to shine and for me to support and in a way, compromise knowing that we were laying a solid foundation.

 

 

I feel that I've been brave (leaving my family and friends for the unknown etc.) and I just have nothing to show for it. I'm now alone, still in love, lonely, broke. I feel that I had to change so much of my life; move, make new friends, etc. and he didn't really have to. He gets to stay in the house, not move, make a ton of money and just party.

 

 

I thought I was doing better but I hit a wall a few weeks ago. All within 12 hours, I found out that he and our old roommate hang out on a somewhat regular basis (it's not sexual, at all) but it was just hard that a somewhat random person gets to hang out with my favorite person in the world. I then had to stop by the house and walked over our brick (I had avoided this in the past b/c it was usually dark or snowy) and then I had to get the key out of the lockbox. He just installed this a month or so ago. The 4 digit code was the number to our old apartment- where we fell in love and decided to continue our future together. Also, a rug that he 'hated' while together, I took when I moved out and he went and bought the same one. He said it had grown on him. He also went out and bought the same obscure candle that I used to burn in the home. I don't want to be too girly- but it just really messes with my brain and makes me feel that he too doesn't want to move on but maybe doesn't realize it. Additionally, he still has pics on social media that talk about how much he loves me, our dog, etc.

 

 

In short: he's a good guy that I truly believe just freaked out. Life was too good and he had to sabotage it. I'm requesting to talk to him again in the next week or two. I'll be sharing with him that I'll be traveling in May and am trying to get some perspective and figure out moves (if I stay here or move). I'm asking him to take care of our dog during this time. If he feels there is no hope for reconciliation, I feel that I should ask him to release me and our dog so, I can move on.

 

 

Any thoughts? Insights? Is hoping for reconciliation ridiculous? Or is this- wow, this guy freaked out and is never coming back.

[Cinnamonstix]

I feel for you. Your situation sounds very tough, and I can imagine it's like your whole world came crashing down in an instant. And now the new reality is constantly in your face, preventing you from moving on.

 

I don't think he has had to really feel the loss of you yet. I don't think that you should bring up reconciliation or let it decide if you should move or not. If he wants you, he will let you know, whether you move to other side of the world or not. You need to make your decisions based on a life without him. Do what's best for you to move on. You can deal with the logistics (the dog, etc.) but keep it to that.

[ZiggyZoo]

The major feeling I got from this whole situation is that your ex says a lot, but doesn't really do anything for you or the relationship. And you're happy to make excuses for his poor behavior. Forget all the convalescence and all that stuff. I'm talking about you basing what you perceive as his desire to be in the relationship based on his words, and ignoring his actions (or lack of actions). Sure, he said he was designing your engagement ring and wanted to propose in November, but did he? Anyone can go online and design a ring, it's the proposal itself that means anything. He did, however, flirt with a co-worker to the point that you decided to end things and move out. His actions are that of someone who's not all that interested, never mind what his words say.

 

I honestly think that the best bet for you is to cut ties with him. Yeah, you share a dog, but really, that's no reason to keep putting yourself through the emotional wringer every time you "have" to see him. The only way to get any sort of perspective on all this is to go No Contact and sort out your feelings without having them constantly riled up by him. You mentioned several times that you're exhausted and confused. Time to cut him loose and focus on what you need to make your life better. If it's moving back home, then do it. But I think that having him around isn't healthy at all.

 

I also think that you shouldn't put all of the decision of whether or not to reconcile on him. Technically, you're the one who broke it off, it should be your decision. If it were me, I'd end it though. It just seems like all it has been is confusion and hassle.

[jenlynn]

Hi,

 

 

Thanks for the fast replies. Too late on the reconciliation request though. I wrote him a short, direct letter in late March which he did reply quickly to. He said that- it was sweet, he's glad to hear I'm doing well and then said- I'm not sure how to respond to it though. And so I'm not sure if he's confused b/c- a) he didn't think there was a chance of reconciliation, b) he's just trying to be nice, etc.

 

 

Regardless, I do need to communicate what my next 1-2 months looks like b/c I need him to commit to watching out dog. I'm taking May to see my family and friends back home and I'll be going on a PNW road trip. I'll be away for apprx. 4 weeks or so. At that time, I'm hoping to get a clear idea of which direction to go for myself and our dog. And then yes, it would be up to him to rebuttal, if he feels inspired.

[Satu]

Welcome to Loveshack.

 

Why aren't you angry?

[jenlynn]

Hi,

 

 

A good question and a lot of people have noted that. I'm not angry b/c:

 

 

- I truly don't believe he meant to hurt me.

- He can be impulsive. I just never thought he would be impulsive on something as monumental as this.

- Again, I truly believe he freaked out/lost his mind for a bit and to me- that's just sad and therefore, it makes me sad.

- And I think he hid a lot of his insecurities, shadow self from me b/c he was embarrassed, didn't feel manly, couldn't be vulnerable and again- that's sad.

 

 

It would have been nice if he didn't make a hurricane out of my life but I think I was just in his path- when he unraveled and it took me out.

[Satu]

I might be wrong, but I think you might be in a parent/child stuctured relationship, with you as the parent. You do all the emotional heavy lifting.

 

He does this or that, and you compensate and compromise.

 

I'm not surprised that you're tired.

 

You are the responsible party, and he does what he wants with little regard for your wellbeing.

 

Love has many definitions, but this one relevant:

 

"Love is total commitment to a person's wellbeing."

 

You clearly meet that definition, but he doesn't.

 

I don't think he wanted to hurt you, but he has done, and is doing.

 

I think you're in denial about how much his behaviour and thinking have hurt you.

 

 

Love,

 

Satu.

[ZiggyZoo]

Why do you think you make so many excuses for his poor behavior?

[jenlynn]

I would say I have very little denial in that his choices have hurt me deeply. I know this, have told others and him. That is a fact I have not turned away from.

 

In regards to making excuses, the entirety of our relationship minus the last two weeks, he was kind, generous, loving, communicative, concerned and invested in my happiness and then, it unraveled. I refuse to label him or anyone for that matter, for bad choices that were made in a short amount of time. He acted selfishly and cowardly and I directly told him this. I have definitely held him accountable for his actions and lack of communication at the end.

[Satu]

I would say I have very little denial in that his choices have hurt me deeply. I know this, have told others and him. That is a fact I have not turned away from.

 

In regards to making excuses, the entirety of our relationship minus the last two weeks, he was kind, generous, loving, communicative, concerned and invested in my happiness and then, it unraveled. I refuse to label him or anyone for that matter, for bad choices that were made in a short amount of time. He acted selfishly and cowardly and I directly told him this. I have definitely held him accountable for his actions and lack of communication at the end.

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

I get it that you're not in denial.

 

You behave in the way that comes natural to you, so you can't be faulted for that.

 

I hope you get a chance to refresh your energies.

 

You come over as being a very loving person with no fear of commitment, and I salute you for that. We are all learning as we go, and we often don't know what the lesson is until later (!) Thats true of me, anyway.

 

If you aren't familiar with Natalie Lue's work, you might find it of interest.

 

Once again, welcome

 

All the best,

 

Satu

[ZiggyZoo]

 

- I truly don't believe he meant to hurt me.

- He can be impulsive. I just never thought he would be impulsive on something as monumental as this.

- Again, I truly believe he freaked out/lost his mind for a bit and to me- that's just sad and therefore, it makes me sad.

- And I think he hid a lot of his insecurities, shadow self from me b/c he was embarrassed, didn't feel manly, couldn't be vulnerable and again- that's sad.

 

 

It would have been nice if he didn't make a hurricane out of my life but I think I was just in his path- when he unraveled and it took me out.

 

Forgive me for disagreeing, but these all sound like major excuses for some pretty bad behavior. I would second Satu's suggestion that you check out "Baggage Reclaim", especially what she says about emotionally unavailable men. Just based on what you've written, there are several red flags that would indicate that your ex was one.

[jenlynn]

Hello All,

 

I posted about 1.5 weeks ago my long break up story.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/523848-break-up-6-months-ago-still-struggling

 

My ex agreed to meet me last night as I wanted to discuss, a) my next few months as I'm visiting my family/friends and I might do a little traveling for my mental health, and b) releasing our dog to me.

 

We met up and it lasted a little over two hours. We had great conversation and it felt like old times. However, it was only about surface-y conversation. Almost two hours in, I realized I needed to bring up the hard topics.

 

I had written him a letter a few weeks ago to let him know where I was at. I wanted to check the pulse on time apart essentially and see if he considered reconciliation. He said the letter was sweet but he didn't know. I pressed him and said, do you really not know or do you indeed know. In which, he said, "I think I know. I think I made the right decision. I mean we had a good time".... and so on. Keep in mind this was a 3 yr committed, monogamous, co-habituating relationship on the brink of an engagement and he made it sound like it was a fling.

 

At this point, I figure I may as well plunge into the hard question- I stated that I was thinking of moving and if I did I would like to take our dog with me. Even if I don't move, I would still like him to release our dog to me as it's difficult for me to move on. He definitely did not like this and stated that he didn't know why I would even think I could take our dog if I chose to move, etc. He also mentioned that his name is on the legal adoption form which essentially told me, he is willing to go the legal action route if necessary. Technically, my name is on the paperwork- he just did the signature lines. I filled out the entire application.

 

So here is my dilemia. I wanted our family and he didn't. He broke up with out of the blue, I was totally blindsided. He had been designing my engagement ring but instead he dumped me. I relied on him financially which we spoke about and were in agreement and understanding on. My life has drastically changed. I've moved three times in the last almost 7 months, I can't afford to live any more in our city b/c the housing market is crazy here. He gets to carry on life pretty normally. He goes to work, makes great money, has plenty of friends, travels- he's very comfortable. I now sleep on an air mattress and I'm going in debt.

 

I can see the writing on the wall. I can't afford to live here anymore, it hurts to stay here and I can't heal. All I want at this point, is to walk away with a little bit of my dignity, my sanity and our dog and have a chance of healing. My plan is to go back to my small hometown, surround myself by family and friends, live simply, pay down debt and heal.

 

I understand that it would be difficult for him to release our dog to me but he has also devastated me emotionally and financially. I know it would be difficult but I also think it would be the right thing to do.

 

I truly believe our dog would be better off with me as he travels constantly for his work out of state on an almost weekly basis, he wants to go out to long happy hours all the time and a number of other activities that keep him away from the house and our dog, when he has him. I asked what his plan is and he said he would just get a dog sitter. I feel this is greatly unfair to our dog and that I have the time and energy to give him the love he deserves. I also reminded him that we chose to adopt our dog based on our partnership. He never would have been able to get a dog on his own due to his schedule. My lack of traveling and need for constant happy hours, made it possible for him/us to have a dog in the first place.

 

This has weighed heavily on my heart. I have tried to be gracious towards my ex and consider his feelings but he doesn't seem to return the same. He just wants what he wants and he wants his cake and to eat it too- it feels that way at least.

 

I think I'm meeting a lot of his ego right now. He doesn't appear to want to accept that his actions have put us into the situation. I feel that he made a bunch of decisions for us (w/o consulting me) and now I need to make decisions on the back end. Why can't he just let go and recognize that this would be the best way to go?

 

(Merged by Moderation)

Edited April 19, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Noting the merger of threads

[Satu]

The problem here is very obvious.

 

He's just not a nice person.

 

He's selfish, mean-spirited, and devoid of empathy.

 

With or without the dog, you need to completely jettison him from your life.

 

If you can take the dog with you that would be best, but if that's not possible, you still need to get away from him.

 

Things won't really get better for you until you cut the chord that binds you to him.

 

Do that soon, before anymore life-force gets drained out of you.

 

****************************************

 

*No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media. No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

*****************************************

[ZiggyZoo]

Let YOUR ego calm down and let the dog go. This isn't about the dog, it's about you trying to get back whatever control you can from the end of this relationship. The hurt you are feeling comes through loud and clear, and now perhaps isn't the best time to engage in any sort of way with your ex. Move home, go NC, and see where you are after a few months of healing. I don't think it's possible for you to have any sort of constructive interaction with him right now.

[jenlynn]

Satu- I agree I need to distance myself from him for sure to heal and am definitely putting wheels in motion to do so. He needs some major alone time, as I do too.

 

ZiggyZoo- we are our dog's third family and my ex has gone into super selfish mode. I'm not into abandoning our dog but thanks for implying I should leave a family member behind. I know that some people feel that dogs are just dogs but I've always grown up believing dogs are family members.

[Satu]

Jenlyn, I get a terrible feeling of weariness and depletion when I read between the lines of what you write. You are running on empty emotionally and physically. Your brain is running on nervous energy and adrenalin. That can't go on forever.

 

I hope I'm wrong about that.

 

By remaining in any kind of contact with this man, you are abandoning yourself.

 

Do what you can do to get custody of the dog without breaking any laws.

 

If that proves impossible, take yourself to a place where you can properly put yourself back together.

 

Sorry to be blunt, but you're not doing right by yourself.

[ZiggyZoo]

I completely agree that dogs are family members, but what makes your ex any less family then you? As far as selfish, YOU'RE the one who has moved three times in the last seven months and is struggling financially. To me, it seems your ex is in a better position right now to provide a stable home for the dog, which is the opposite of selfish.