JohnBlue812 Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 Does she want me back as her boyfriend or just a friend? Things came to a head on the 24th and 25th of November. Too many heated emails exchanged...no talking on the phone or face to face time. On the 29th I sent her a very heartfelt and sincere email...Asking how her T-day went (she went to CT to be with family..i was supposed to go as well), reflecting on this year..all the good times..and the bad. I owned up to my mistakes...told her I understood why we are at this point. I also told her how much her and her kids mean to me...they are my family. I ended the email with 'missing you'. She responded with: I read your email when I was sitting waiting to get my haircut today. It nearly brought me to tears in the salon. John, I am so sorry that things ended this way. I wish you had spoken up or said something or noticed. I don't know what to say. Yes, I am actually at a loss for words. :-) Everything you said was spot on. I am very glad to hear you are not angry at me. I would hate that. You are a good man, John. Kind, patient, non-judgemental. These were all wonderful qualities that I loved. Thank you for the email. It was very touching and broke my heart. I responded with (SAT NIGHT): Susan, I don't want things to end this way. I want to see you tomorrow so we can talk. I love you more than I have ever loved any woman in my life...I am in love with you. We both know that life is short and its not often you meet someone that you KNOW is right for YOU. And you are that woman for me. Please say yes. I promise that you will look back one day and say to yourself that it was the best decision you ever made. I love you... She responded with: John, you tell me this now? I am tapped out emotionally. I just can't. I am sorry. I let a day pass and responded: I understand. Take care. She responded in 15 mins with: I guess this is as case of shoulda woulda coulda...I feel terrible. I know this is going to sound totally high school but can we still please be friends? When I read our emails last night and your tests, I was SHOCKED. You never ever shared or said those things to me. I responded with: funny...you never said or shared anything like that with me either. when you ready to meet and talk let me know. She replied: OK I let a day pass...thought about things..how heated things had become...emotions running high..so I sent her an email: How are you? I hope all is well. I just wanted to say I know a lot has happened...emotions running high. We are both tapped out emotionally right now. Absolutely. We both have done so much thinking. And then I reflect on that sign over your sink (note - the sign reads 'don't believe everything you think). Perhaps we have done too much thinking...and not enough talking...face to face. The email thing got out of control. Initially I reacted poorly and I apologize for that. Never should have let emails run that long. No emotion behind them...just letters on a screen. Although I want you to know..the emails I sent at the end (SAT NIGHT)..the texts...they were from the heart. Please believe that. I know between work and everything else...and your shot coming up on Wed you have a lot on your plate. I'm not a religious man but I will say a little prayer that procedure gives you some relief. I wish I could be there for you. My shot has helped me to a degree...I am doing better...not 100%...but better. So...If you don't want to call me or meet me now I understand. Take your time...call me when you're ready. I do want to see you and talk to you because we haven't done that since this mess started. And the friends question? Don't be silly...I will always be your there for you when you need me for anything or just want to talk. I do believe I'm your best friend...or at least top three (grin). And most of all...because I love you...I always will. She responded with: Hello! Do you mean the email you sent me on Saturday was not sincere and only words? I guess I am lost on that one. I didn't think you were being rude at all. Yes, I have a lot going on right now. What is your schedule this weekend? I responded with: The emails on Saturday where from the heart...what I know and how I feel. I hope you believe truly believe that. Note - To the reads here...please read the SAT NIGHT email again. This is in reference to that and the email before it (also sent on SAT) which i only provided high level details. She reponded with: I do. What is your weekend like? I told her I was free Sat night...she is going to get back to me. So...for the board...what do you think? We are both in our 50s (she's 53 and i am 50). Been together for three years. She is a very loving and emotional woman. She still loves me (she has said it several times during this mess). When she said 'I do' with regards to believing I'm in love with her...that leads me to believe she wants to stay together. I'm thinking if she only wants to be friends she wouldn't want to meet again so soon. And for the record..we have told each other we love each other...but never 'I am in love with you' which I said in the Sat night email...and I am. All opinions and comments are greatly appreciated. I know its a lot to read...appreciate everyone's time who do read and respond. Thanks.
d0nnivain Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 I didn't read your whole thread but I experienced what she's feeling. During the relationship she wanted all the things you said in your 1st e-mail. When she didn't get them then, her heart broke a little each day until there was nothing left. After you broke up, you reached out & showed her that you are the man she wanted you to be but by that it was too late because she has nothing left. She doesn't hate you but she also is unwilling to try again
Author JohnBlue812 Posted December 3, 2014 Author Posted December 3, 2014 But she did get them. The first two years were great. And very recently...we have told each other 'I love you' from the heart. And we would always exchange emails..texts everyday. Calling each other 'baby', 'cutie-pie'. And the last time we were intimate (couple of weeks ago) she looked me in the eyes and said 'I love being with you...i've never felt this comfortable with another man.
Author JohnBlue812 Posted December 4, 2014 Author Posted December 4, 2014 I posted earlier: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/504520-what-next In a nutshell...I neglected her emotionally. She feels hurt and neglected. I've read a lot of the NC stuff but I think I need to show that I know I messed up and still love her. She has told me she still loves me since the breakup which I'm not quite sure is a breakup yet. We haven't spoken in over a week. She went for a procedure on her back today. I'm going to call her and ask her how she is doing...how her day was...try to keep it light. We are supposed to meet this Saturday. So...what does every think? Right move...calling her? Or no. I'm not going to cry or beg or apologize. Keep it light.
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 I posted earlier: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/504520-what-next In a nutshell...I neglected her emotionally. She feels hurt and neglected. I've read a lot of the NC stuff but I think I need to show that I know I messed up and still love her. She has told me she still loves me since the breakup which I'm not quite sure is a breakup yet. We haven't spoken in over a week. She went for a procedure on her back today. I'm going to call her and ask her how she is doing...how her day was...try to keep it light. We are supposed to meet this Saturday. So...what does every think? Right move...calling her? Or no. I'm not going to cry or beg or apologize. Keep it light. Terrible idea. In additon, cancel Saturday.
Author JohnBlue812 Posted December 4, 2014 Author Posted December 4, 2014 For the record...this woman has never played games with me. She is feeling, hurt and rejected. I love her very much. I haven't seen or spoken to her in over a week. I thought a casual call to see how she is doing wouldn't hurt. Or maybe it would? NC...hmmm...
EmbeddedCortex Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 Ok, so I read your other post which details your email discussion. I thought how insanely similar it sounded to the email exchanges, texts exchanges I have had with my ex (who might be bpd, not sure) over the past 2 breakups. She has said all sorts of terrible hurtful things to me, but I always fall for the victim-card and somehow blame myself. Feel free to read my threads on the issue. From what I saw, she is only guilt tripping you to make herself feel better and justified in leaving you. That's it. My ex and many other dumpers seem to do this, and the dumpee (us) gets a sense of hope that they might be able to fix things, that there is some sort of hope. Nope. I got similar emails from my ex in response, and they gave me hope that I could reason with her, but nope, her mind was set. First time I chased after her for 4 weeks, this last time for 2 weeks, and nope, she still left me. I even arranged multiple meetings with her, and when I would show up, she would aggressively, then sadly guilt trip me and victimize herself, which just made matters worse. The more you say you'll change, the more you say it's not too late, the more they'll say it is too late it seems like. Anyway, I also don't think you should meet up with her or contact her anymore. I think you will get more and more frustrated, and more and more hurt, and you'll get more desperate, more depressed, and beg more, and the painful cycle will continue until you have no shred of dignity or self respect left. If you are not sure whether she has broken up with you, send one last message and ask. Then stop pursuing her, because she doesn't want you around anyway.
Author JohnBlue812 Posted December 4, 2014 Author Posted December 4, 2014 No cheating...no lying...nothing. Right now just a lot of hurt on both sides.
Author JohnBlue812 Posted December 4, 2014 Author Posted December 4, 2014 Thanks EmbeddedCortex. Thing is...she's is not even close to having bpd or anything. She is a very loving woman. No games were ever played between us. I see your point though when you said 'she is guilt tripping you to make herself feel better and justified in leaving you'. Man...this is confusing as hell.
lil hoodlum Posted December 4, 2014 Posted December 4, 2014 Ok the are some details missing from your backstory. Who broke up with who? What were the reasons cited for breaking up?
Author JohnBlue812 Posted December 4, 2014 Author Posted December 4, 2014 She broke up with me. Reasons: 1) I wasn't doing things with her. We went to AZ at end of Feb. Everything was great. Got back...my work was out of control...too much work...not enough time with her. Hurt myself just as summer started. Ruined all of the plans we had. She was miserable as a result. 2) I'm separated and she was unhappy that I didn't finish that. 3) She felt like things were always in limbo As the summer ended I asked her to move in. A year ago she would have been jumping up and down. I got the opposite response instead. Plus when I was hurt this summer she became somewhat cold..detached. Very different and unusual for her. I understand why...from March - July I didn't give her the love, time, and attention she needed. So...a couple of weeks ago...I was angry..her reaction to moving in..some other stuff..called her...said what's going on here? She did some thinking..went to visit old friends in CT. Came back and said 'you are right'....aka...we are done.
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