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Is this GIGS or something else?


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Hello everyone. Me and my now ex girlfriend were together for almost exactly 7 years. She's 22, I'm 25. She dumped me even though we were planning our future together and she was always telling me how she would never leave me. I can recognize plenty of the symptoms and it seems to be "the grass is greener on the other side" syndrome.

 

We started young. She was 15, I was almost 18. We are each other's first sexual partners. She said she was thinking of leaving me for quite some time and she would remember this guy who she really got along with in school before she met me and how he was actually everything she thought she later had in me and when our relationship would got cold she would remember him. Then they actually texted each other for 2 months or so before she'd broke up with me or maybe they'd even see each other I don't know. They'd share feelings to each other etc. etc. She said she wants to end our relationship but would not give any good reason just that she doesn't feel the way she should and doesn't imagine she ever would again. You could barely get anything out of her. I would cry and everything and she'd even break down telling me we would try harder but I could see something would be lying on her mind. Then I'd keep pushing her and after two weeks or so she'd tell me about that guy. I did everything wrong then, cried, begged, apologized, bad mouth the other guy etc. etc. She would even break down and tell me she still loves me more than him and that we should give it a try but then her mood would swing especially when the guy would text her and she just said she won't be able to do it. She would even get mad at me, throw things from the past at me, telling me how I'm not being sincere and how I won't change and I'll be exactly the same in two weeks etc. She'd also say sorry and don't worry about any of the stuff, let's just both move on. She'd also cry before how I wouldn't want to remain friends with her and that she wants us to remain in good relationship.

 

Me, her family and everyone would tell her to clear her head and don't rush into anything and she said she wouldn't and how she isn't in a hurry and will be good for her to be some time alone but just after a few days after ending it with me she would already be seeing this other dude and things would move fast. He has a child from a previous relationship and they'd take her for a walk and hold hands, he'd post a photo on a fb where they look like a happy family. It's a bit comical.

 

Immediately after the breakup we saw each other often since we do some common stuff and my relationship to her would vary a lot from ok let's remain friends to f*** off, I can't believe what you did to me. She would be really hyped and even euphoric, all dressed up looking nice and I'd say her behavior is kind of fake and everything isn't going so well for her as she tries to show it. She also acts strange at home her parents say.

 

Later when I went through that initial depression phase I'd give myself some time off and after 10 days I'd contact her. She'd respond in a matter of minutes. Then I went to the fitness and she appeared there talking normally to me, laughing, our eyes would meet and she'd smile, she would look over to me and start talking to me etc. She was more into having conversation with me than I was and we'd even go for a walk, she wanted to know what I was up to and how things are doing for me. She was quite relaxed and enjoyed talking to me telling me this is what she wants, that when we see each other we wouldn't be strangers and that we'll talk more soon. All along the break up she has this attitude towards me: what happened happened, I'm happy now (acting all hyped and euphoric), I want to move on and I want you to move on as well but let's remain friends. The same day we'd text some more about some non related stuff and she was completely normal like nothing has happened at all. Than I'd start to wonder maybe it's time for me to go into that NC mode if I want us to be together again one day. The real reason behind the break up was that I wouldn't give her enough attention, she didn't feel wanted, loved and needed anymore and of course this is exactly what the other guy is giving her now. I'd normally be all for NC but I'm kind of afraid since the other guy is in the picture. What do you think? Is this GIGS or is it something else. What should I do? If going for NC, should I tell her that it's the best for us to not talk or should I not say anything and just ignore? I don't know how this would appear since I don't want her to think I'm mad at her since we had a nice talk the last time we saw each other... I'm so confused and sad about this situation! Of course I want her back because I know where I or we blew it and I told her that and she agrees but she's like what can you do now. We were perfect for each other on many levels but at one point we headed for the road we shouldn't have.

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Go NC and don't tell her about it. She knows you love her, and you'd want to get back together, she knows where you stand and it's her who's resisting. Appear like your moving on, and actually start to do so.

 

Then if she eventually comes back she will, and if not you've excepted it. One thing I learned it to hate hope. Hope is not your friend

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There's so many advice on the internet and I just don't know which to follow. It seems like this new guy is a rebound (the only thing that truly bothers me is that she is her close friend from the past) and she is in that honeymoon phase right now. I'd also say that her behavior is fake and she isn't all that happy in reality and somewhere deep down she knows she still has feelings for me and she isn't over me at all. It's hard to describe her behavior but she was actually kind of flirty with me (like look at me and smile, try to talk to me, laugh, wanted to go for a walk and find out what I'm doing) the last time we saw each other but on the other hand also a bit distant, for example she would not sit close to me. Like she was saying "I don't know how exactly I feel, I still like you but I don't want anything to do with you since I want to try with that other fellow." Like she was giving me impression that she would be happy if I would move on but deep inside she doesn't want me to. I just don't know... Some say go NC for a month, work on yourself, and then try to slowly get her to like you again. Some say go NC forever and take her back only if she begs you to. Some say stay friends but don't be needy and be patient and only respond to her if she's the one wanting to go out. I just don't know and hope for your help. I also don't want her to take me for granted because she knows I love her and would do anything for her. Maybe it's worth mentioning that her behavior is kind of like in puberty. She's like "f*** off everyone, it's time for me that I do what I want to do for the first time in my life". The last days of when we were together she hesitated because of what her parents would think but in the end she did buy herself a pair of high heels (her first) and also got her ears pierced. She was like should I do it or not and I said to her look you're old enough and it's your decision, I'm not gonna push you but it's or you to decide. I didn't see that this would bring an avalanche on so many levels of her personality. It's not like she's totally gone crazy but something did change in her. the change in her behavior started at least 6 months or so back when she changed her diet and started going to fitness and actually lost a lot of weight and got fit. She actually said sometimes to me wouldn't it be funny if I got all fit and nice and then left you for another guy. I know she didn't mean it back then and we'd laugh but it turned into reality. It's like her subconsciousness was speaking out of her. I can even see her dumping me like some sort of revenge even if she doesn't mean and feel so. Because plenty of times I was criticizing her looks (for which I feel very bad now) - I was mad when she would neglect herself and not take enough care of herself the way I wanted her to (gain weight, do her hair, make up, nails polished). And what id she do now. She lost weight, got all fit, and the day after we went apart she's all looking pretty. I don't know if it's because she wants to look nice for the other guy or she wants to rub it in my face or both. It's at least strange, because make up and specially nice nail polish were my thing and she didn't do it often even if I asked her to but now all of the sudden she's like out of the magazine. I again don't think she is doing it on purpose but somehow her subconsciousness is appearing. What the hell is happening here? Everything is so strange and I am in a situation where I think I have no control over anything and I'm afraid that one wrong move could mean I will loose her forever. I just don't know what that wrong move is. Contacting too much, not contacting at all?! It's absolutely the worst situation I've faces in my life. If you have any further questions that would help me and us to clarify things out, please let me know. I want to be 100% sure what is going on and what to do.

 

Also I've analyzed the situation. The other guy is offering her what she was missing the most, that is love, attention and care. He also has a kid from a previous relationship and I guess he seems more mature to her than me. I did not appear very good around kids and I bet he's playing this good father figure right now since she just adore children. Otherwise he is way "dumber" than both of us, is low educated and has this tough low paid job (but on the other hand I just finished the masters degree but have NO JOB). He lives with his roommate in an apartment and his family is kind of a wreck. Basically he is quite opposite of me and I guess he was the first thought in my exs mind as someone who she got very good along with and would understand and support her and love her like he once did. On the other hand I know she's still attracted to me, she gave me some compliments when we saw each other and there's just that look in her eyes. She also likes my humor and hanging around with me.

 

I'm ****ed aren't I?

Edited by unforgotten
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Your best of giving her some space. Let her work out what she wants on her own. But make sure you don't hold on for her. You shouldn't pause your life waiting for something which might not happen. If your speaking to her and she knows your there, your not giving her chance to miss you.

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Hey hea and thanks for your answers. I guess I can see what you're saying. After 10 days NC she was kind of happy to see me. I guess she did miss me deep down and it was all about getting her "fix" and seeing if she still has me for granted I guess. I just can't believe that her being so cool with everything behavior is true. It can either mean two things. She actually is completely over me and doesn't care what I do or she is very confused. Somehow the signs show for the second option but since I'm personally involved I picture all the black scenarios of course. I am trying to move on and have that hope somewhere in the back of my mind but I must put myself together every single day over and over again if you know what I mean. I have bad and good days and I always must get myself into the state you're talking about. It's a hard thing to do. It would be a lot easier to go NC if she would be single but now she's seeing that other guy she dumped me for and I worry they'll get to close to each other if I just stay put. I mean, how can I show her I changed if I can't contact her? Plus how would I be able to give her love and attention if we are not together. It's a strange situation to be in.

Edited by unforgotten
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There's so many advice on the internet and I just don't know which to follow. It seems like this new guy is a rebound (the only thing that truly bothers me is that she is her close friend from the past) and she is in that honeymoon phase right now. I'd also say that her behavior is fake and she isn't all that happy in reality and somewhere deep down she knows she still has feelings for me and she isn't over me at all. It's hard to describe her behavior but she was actually kind of flirty with me (like look at me and smile, try to talk to me, laugh, wanted to go for a walk and find out what I'm doing) the last time we saw each other but on the other hand also a bit distant, for example she would not sit close to me. Like she was saying "I don't know how exactly I feel, I still like you but I don't want anything to do with you since I want to try with that other fellow." Like she was giving me impression that she would be happy if I would move on but deep inside she doesn't want me to. I just don't know... Some say go NC for a month, work on yourself, and then try to slowly get her to like you again. Some say go NC forever and take her back only if she begs you to. Some say stay friends but don't be needy and be patient and only respond to her if she's the one wanting to go out. I just don't know and hope for your help. I also don't want her to take me for granted because she knows I love her and would do anything for her. Maybe it's worth mentioning that her behavior is kind of like in puberty. She's like "f*** off everyone, it's time for me that I do what I want to do for the first time in my life". The last days of when we were together she hesitated because of what her parents would think but in the end she did buy herself a pair of high heels (her first) and also got her ears pierced. She was like should I do it or not and I said to her look you're old enough and it's your decision, I'm not gonna push you but it's or you to decide. I didn't see that this would bring an avalanche on so many levels of her personality. It's not like she's totally gone crazy but something did change in her. the change in her behavior started at least 6 months or so back when she changed her diet and started going to fitness and actually lost a lot of weight and got fit. She actually said sometimes to me wouldn't it be funny if I got all fit and nice and then left you for another guy. I know she didn't mean it back then and we'd laugh but it turned into reality. It's like her subconsciousness was speaking out of her. I can even see her dumping me like some sort of revenge even if she doesn't mean and feel so. Because plenty of times I was criticizing her looks (for which I feel very bad now) - I was mad when she would neglect herself and not take enough care of herself the way I wanted her to (gain weight, do her hair, make up, nails polished). And what id she do now. She lost weight, got all fit, and the day after we went apart she's all looking pretty. I don't know if it's because she wants to look nice for the other guy or she wants to rub it in my face or both. It's at least strange, because make up and specially nice nail polish were my thing and she didn't do it often even if I asked her to but now all of the sudden she's like out of the magazine. I again don't think she is doing it on purpose but somehow her subconsciousness is appearing. What the hell is happening here? Everything is so strange and I am in a situation where I think I have no control over anything and I'm afraid that one wrong move could mean I will loose her forever. I just don't know what that wrong move is. Contacting too much, not contacting at all?! It's absolutely the worst situation I've faces in my life. If you have any further questions that would help me and us to clarify things out, please let me know. I want to be 100% sure what is going on and what to do.

 

Also I've analyzed the situation. The other guy is offering her what she was missing the most, that is love, attention and care. He also has a kid from a previous relationship and I guess he seems more mature to her than me. I did not appear very good around kids and I bet he's playing this good father figure right now since she just adore children. Otherwise he is way "dumber" than both of us, is low educated and has this tough low paid job (but on the other hand I just finished the masters degree but have NO JOB). He lives with his roommate in an apartment and his family is kind of a wreck. Basically he is quite opposite of me and I guess he was the first thought in my exs mind as someone who she got very good along with and would understand and support her and love her like he once did. On the other hand I know she's still attracted to me, she gave me some compliments when we saw each other and there's just that look in her eyes. She also likes my humor and hanging around with me.

 

I'm ****ed aren't I?

 

You are not ****ed up.

 

Its a lot to take in: you went from a relationship to being alone, sad, and your ex-gf having a new relationship.

 

Ok let me put some things into perspective:

 

First of all, you should go No CONTACT right now! This is not so "she can clear her head" or anything like that. You need to distance yourself from the situation.

 

This is some sort of form of GIGS, but you shouldn't hope that one day she will turn around and love you again. Nevertheless, to her its so easy, because she has the power to decide, since she can pick between you or him, or even a new fellow if she wants to.

 

So what do you do? First of all, remove her from your life:

 

- Stop calling, stop talking, remove her from facebook or other social media, stop looking at her messages, stop replying to her if she contacts you.

 

- If you are close with her family (parents, brothers), remove them from social media too; you can explain to them that you like them and consider them family, but in order for you to heal you will have to remove anything that might remind you from her from your life, at least for a few months (its ok to add them back or talk with them in a few months, but at least for now, you can't talk to them); they will probably understand, just make it clear everything is good between you and them.

 

- Stop, and I mean STOP THINKING ABOUT HER NEW RELATIONSHIP; right now you probably can't stop thinking about her new thing: does she love him? is he better boyfriend? etc. STOP IT. Everything you might be thinking right now may be true or a lie. So in the presence of doubt, you should just ignore it.

 

Now, I understand you are feeling hurt right now. You can't really get this feelings out of your head.

 

Let me give you a nice method: put your feelings on time out

 

Here is yout current situation: right now, you can't do anything. If she is ever to be with you again, or if you guys end up split forever, is something that will not happen right now. If indeed you ever get back together, will be at least in a lot of months, not NOW.

 

So, since you can't do anything, you need to clear your head. Say to yourself:

 

-"Ok wtv, I'll give it a rest, I accept the situation, I'll re-evaluate things in 3 or 4 months".

 

Give yourself that "vacation" time. When that break is over, if you still feel you want her back, then you can start planning what to do.

 

Also, take this as a chance to do all those things you wanted to do when you were single. I mean, I know you love her, and that right now you don't really feel like dating. But eventually, at least try to look at the bright side of things, now you can date those girls you always wanted.

 

The truth here is that, you may not believe it now, but in a few months of no contact, trying not to think about her.....she WILL probably try to come back....yet, you WILL NOT want to be with her.

Now to give you some comfort:

 

This is only to give you back some comfort:

 

1) Relationships like this, usually don't work. Because the person jumps from relationship into relationship....at first everythinig seems new and fuzzy, but since they move so fast they usually end up crashing. Right now she is enjoying the "honey moon", but probably in a few months when she discovers his faults and his bad things, the relationship will probably end.

 

2) If you are wondering how can your ex be in a serious relationship so soon after your break up, here is the answer: because it is all she knows in life. I understand you feel replaced, and the fact that she can get in a serious relationship so easily insulting. Yet, she's been in a relationship since she was young. SHE DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING ELSE. She doesn't know how to live without a boyfriend. So this is why.

 

3) The guy has a kid. This will create problems eventually. She may like the kid now when the kid is not her responsability, but wait until the guy asks her to do stuff for the kid. There is also the kid's mother (which will ALWAYS cause problems).

 

4) There is also her family, you really think they want her to date a guy with a kid? she is too young for that...her family loved you, and will probably not approve of this guy. If she is close to her family, how long do you think she will stay with a guy her family will probably not aprove?

 

5) And finally, they might just not be compatible. People get to know each other during the period of 6 months - 1 year. You know this, because you've been there. You know that you started truly loving her once you knew all her faults and accepted her. Like you said, the guy is dumb, the situation complicated, how long do you think it will take for this faults to show? probably a few months, but trust me, they will show up.

 

** What I just wrote, these 5 points about her new relationship, aren't for you to have "hope" her relationship will end. Its only to help you deal with the pain. A large part of your pain is the fact that she seems so happy, and you are miserable. Seems unfair. In the end, its most likely you will be happy, and she will be the one miserable. So take this I said, not to have hope, but because it will help you deal with the pain, because this is what happens in 90% of the situations like this. After a few months of course (for now, you will be the one sad)**

 

So in the end....doesn't matter really.

 

And No Contact, remember, is for you to heal. But let her have her adventure without her safety net. Let her realise you are moving on. Let her do what she wants to do. In all probability she will be the one regretting it.

 

Maybe you 2 end up together again. Maybe you will meet someone new.

 

What ever it happens, I doubt her new relationship will work. And I'm sure that you will eventually be the one with the power to decide: and trust me, you will probably choose not to be with her.

 

So....take it easy, and accept the situation.

 

Right now there is nothing you can do. So give yourself this vacation. A 4 to 6 month vacation for your feelings. Play video games, date girls, watch movies.

 

In a few months, allow those feelings back in. THIS TIME THOSE FEELINGS WILL NOT HAVE POWER OVER YOU.

 

In 6 months you will realise you don't really need her.

 

EVENTUALLY YOU WILL REALISE SHE IS NOT WORTHY.

Hope it helps :)

Edited by dclan
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@dclan, this is a genius post, thank you. I'll read it everyday to go through the day easily.

 

Now let me tell you more about this guy she's dating. He is basically an idiot. He got this hot babe and when he was 19 wanted to have a kid (how immature must you be to have a kid at this age if you can't support him). He would brag about his hot babe around and he was a total control freak. Soon he would looks like get tired of her and start texting other girls behind her back. His girl got suspicious and once read his mobile messages etc. I got this information from many out there. She kicked him out of the door. Now the kid's mostly at her place and he went on texting other girls where he could catch something. My super naive girlfriend fell for his stories. He had two months to mess with her head. Before I thought perhaps I'm in a way here and two soul mates found each other again. I'll move away and wish you the best of luck. But then I found all of this and went and tell her all about it. I know it was a mistake but I did it partly because I thought she'll realize he is not good (how naive was I) and partly because I really care about her. She did become kind of skeptical but he prevailed and she took this attitude: "you don't even know him, no one does, I don't care what others say, I'll stop listening to them". This was all happening about a month ago. Well just today I was talking to a girl who is a close friend of his ex and she told me he also texted her and asking her not to tell her ex about it and this was happening when they already had a child together. What a douche! I nkow I shouldn't give a f*** about this stuff and if I tell her about it she probably wouldn't care much and if the guy would knew he'd probably want to prove even more to himself and herself that he has changed which is no use for me but on the other hand I don't want to see her get hurt and end up with a child and him being the same idiot again. The story could happen all over again. The thing is he wanted a child back then and got it and my ex is crazy about kids, was asking me all the time when we'd have one. I told her many times we need jobs, a place to live etc. before we could get one. Now two immature creatures got together and his could very well mean the end for my hopes of getting back together with her. What do you think will happen here? It's probably not my place to stick my nose in and I should just let it be, right? It's such a messy situation and I'm so sick of how he got to my ex gf.

Edited by unforgotten
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^^^ You are right.

 

You are probably the worst person to break the news to her. She will just simply see it as an attempt to sabotage his image in her eyes and make you look pathetic.

 

In any case, I fully understand your motives originated out of good will but hopefully she isn't as air headed as you think she is. She will probably realize something is up soon enough and get the hell out when she can.

 

At the moment, you should just leave it at there and initiate NC. She is not part of your life anymore as much as you love her. This may sound harsh, but stop putting her needs at pedestal and prioritize your own needs first. Sometimes people need to first learn how to fall before they learn how to walk.

 

I have been in a similar situation with my recent ex. She got into another relationship immediately after I broke up with her. I wanted to confront the other guy but I am fully aware it would only push her further away. I can only pray to God that she is happy with whatever she is doing now and may she not regret anything in life.

 

Anyways, feel free to PM me if you would like someone to talk to!

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jackinthebox1

The GIGS post was made by a weak pussy whipped man who stood by for months on end while his ex left him for greener pastures.

Instead of getting on with his life he came on here spouting this dross trying to pretend that it is a syndrome and people will want to come back to you.

90% of them will not want to come back. The 10% that do, around 1% of those will work out.

There is no syndrome. People leave because they lose attraction. Women emotionally check out a long time before they tell you.

Ignore that thread, its bogus.

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The GIGS post was made by a weak pussy whipped man who stood by for months on end while his ex left him for greener pastures.

Instead of getting on with his life he came on here spouting this dross trying to pretend that it is a syndrome and people will want to come back to you.

90% of them will not want to come back. The 10% that do, around 1% of those will work out.

There is no syndrome. People leave because they lose attraction. Women emotionally check out a long time before they tell you.

Ignore that thread, its bogus.

 

Ugh. Seriously, stop it. The guy who wrote had experienced "GIGS" himself. He compared it to teenage rebellion and midlife crisis. Whether or not you consider them "syndromes" doesn't really matter. We all know that people make hasty decisions during these phases.

 

And loss of attraction isn't something that happens randomly. It always happens after a while. Many people with little experience will panic when they realise that they might not ever experience the butterflies again, so they run away with people who make them feel "more alive".

 

The seven-year itch - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

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@dclan, this is a genius post, thank you. I'll read it everyday to go through the day easily.

 

Now let me tell you more about this guy she's dating. He is basically an idiot. He got this hot babe and when he was 19 wanted to have a kid (how immature must you be to have a kid at this age if you can't support him). He would brag about his hot babe around and he was a total control freak. Soon he would looks like get tired of her and start texting other girls behind her back. His girl got suspicious and once read his mobile messages etc. I got this information from many out there. She kicked him out of the door. Now the kid's mostly at her place and he went on texting other girls where he could catch something. My super naive girlfriend fell for his stories. He had two months to mess with her head. Before I thought perhaps I'm in a way here and two soul mates found each other again. I'll move away and wish you the best of luck. But then I found all of this and went and tell her all about it. I know it was a mistake but I did it partly because I thought she'll realize he is not good (how naive was I) and partly because I really care about her. She did become kind of skeptical but he prevailed and she took this attitude: "you don't even know him, no one does, I don't care what others say, I'll stop listening to them". This was all happening about a month ago. Well just today I was talking to a girl who is a close friend of his ex and she told me he also texted her and asking her not to tell her ex about it and this was happening when they already had a child together. What a douche! I nkow I shouldn't give a f*** about this stuff and if I tell her about it she probably wouldn't care much and if the guy would knew he'd probably want to prove even more to himself and herself that he has changed which is no use for me but on the other hand I don't want to see her get hurt and end up with a child and him being the same idiot again. The story could happen all over again. The thing is he wanted a child back then and got it and my ex is crazy about kids, was asking me all the time when we'd have one. I told her many times we need jobs, a place to live etc. before we could get one. Now two immature creatures got together and his could very well mean the end for my hopes of getting back together with her. What do you think will happen here? It's probably not my place to stick my nose in and I should just let it be, right? It's such a messy situation and I'm so sick of how he got to my ex gf.

 

You see, as you can realise...that relationship is doomed before it even beggins.

 

I know you want to protect her. But if she ends up with her life ****ed, and a child, its up to her.

 

I understand that as a man, you think of yourself as the knight in shining armor that mas rescue the damsel in distress from the evil sorcerer that has cast a spell upon your beloved.

 

But this is not like that....and you need to understand that, despite her inmmaturity, she made her choice to test out a new relationship.

 

Now, your original question was about if this is GIGS: well yes, its probably gigs. Yet...you can't be around hoping she will come back, because that could take months or years even. My ex, for example contacted me 8 months after NC started, which was almost 1 year after the BU. And she wanted to get back together, yet...my feelings had changed.

 

You need to understand that, you can't really do much about it. People get this feelings all the time

 

Remember your own relationship. Can you honestly say that during those 7 years you NEVER thought about:"what if she is not the one?" of course you did, everyone does. In the end you stayed by her because for you the need of being with her was greater than being with someone else.

 

She on the other hand, chose to go out and experience life.

 

You can't really blame her, it happens, people do this all the time, its not because she is evil, it might not even be because she likes him much. Its just what people do.

 

Now, I know that its still too soon for you, and you are still thinking about the new guy, and her new relationship, and probably thinking they are very nice together and stuff.

 

You need to try to put those thoughts out. First because they are not accurate, they might not be going "as well" as you think. Second because you will never know what goes on (she may seem happy/sad, but thats just what she pretends to be, not what she is really feeling). Her relationship, will probably not end well. And eventually you will probably at least get that:" I told you so"

---------------

@jackinthebox1:

 

GIGS is a real thing. The problem is that its not a disease, like everyone likes to pretend it is.

 

Its just the fact that, at some stage in EVERY relationship, even if you are in love, one questions everything about this:

 

-" Is he/she the one?"

-" Is this the ONLY person I'm going to be with?" (for first loves)

-" My relationship has some flaws, maybe there is something else out there?"

 

Stuff like that. So people choose to go out and try to get this things.

 

The problem is that people always expect that the next guy/girl will be "better" in every way: none of the problems from the previous relationship, all the benefits from the previous relationship, and more good stuff.

 

The thing is that, EVERY relationship has problems, and every relationship has drawbacks. And not every relationship will have the same benefits

 

for example: you date 1 guy who is rich so financially everything is great, but he is cold; then you go out and date some guy who's finance isn't that great but he is very warm and romantic; different benefits and problems. Which one makes you happier? With the rich guy you will complain about his coldness, with the warm one you will complain about his finances.

 

The problem is that people on this forums, when they first read GIGS, they take it as a disease that can be cured. You can't, because its not one. Its just life.

 

People that end up rekindling their relationships, is just because in the end, the relationship they had originally was better than the ones that came after.

 

Love is a very romanticised thing these days. Yes you fall in love, but you also fall out in love, abd beggin to love someone new (or at least get infatuated by this new person).

 

So when something like this happens, its best to accept where you stand. Try to take it cool and not think about it. If they return, they might return, and if they don't, then you'll meet someone else.

 

If it is your destiny to be with a certain person, then this might be the road that you need to take. Just walk your path, eventually it will lead to where true happines lies.

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jackinthebox1
Ugh. Seriously, stop it. The guy who wrote had experienced "GIGS" himself. He compared it to teenage rebellion and midlife crisis. Whether or not you consider them "syndromes" doesn't really matter. We all know that people make hasty decisions during these phases.

 

And loss of attraction isn't something that happens randomly. It always happens after a while. Many people with little experience will panic when they realise that they might not ever experience the butterflies again, so they run away with people who make them feel "more alive".

 

The seven-year itch - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

Well i havent looked at th ending of the "mans" story. Using that term very loosely as nothing about him acted like a man. But i am willing to put $100 on him never get him back.

My parents have been together for 30 years. No 7 year itch, no gigs, just two people committed to loving each other and not hurting each other by playing games.

If someone leaves you and wants to play the field, why would you possibly want to sit around and wait for them to come back. When there are unlimited new possibilities out there.

And i dont think there is any medical proof for a "7 year itch." A great marilyn monroe MOVIE and a wikipedia page.

Welcome to a land called denial. Population. you

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SycamoreCircle

Can we please put a moratorium on the debate whether GIGS is real or not? There's plenty of other threads out there that delve into that with the same divided conclusions.

 

As Slavoj Zizek said of Greeks and their myths, "Did the Greeks really believe they would find Gods on top of Mt. Olympus? No, they believed the way we believe in Santa Claus and Christmas. We all know it doesn't exist but we haven't discarded the belief. It is an objectively functional worldview."

 

OP, go NC all the way. And also realize that the more you meddle with the two of them, the tighter they become. I believe that extends into the psychic realm---the more you THINK about them, the better their relationship becomes.

 

She is IMMATURE. He is a SCUMBAG. Combination: TRAIN WRECK.

 

But even after that train wrecks, she might have to go through 10 other men, each with their own set of issues and kids from a previous relationship, before she realizes, "Oh, that one guy from long ago really cared about me."

 

GO NC. Heal. Move on.

 



 

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Thanks guys, for everything. It helps, it truly does!

 

Well let me tell you more about my relationship with my now ex-gf. She is very stubborn and a person which needs pushing to go through hard parts of her life. She needs someone around to motivate her and that was me all the way. She was raised in a quite religious family and you would not believe what kind of stupid s*** she would fell for and I'm not even talking about religion here. Just plain simple everyday stuff. She'd probably click on that ad saying that she is one of 1.000.000 people who got elected and can go to Hawaii for free. And trust me, it's not that she's dumb. She is actually really really smart. She has super talents, was great in school etc. It's just that she was raised in such an orthodox environment which forbid her to think with her own head and question things. She would not question anything around her and would just take things for what they are. It took me years to introduce her to the critical thinking and using logic and you wouldn't believe what kind of progress she's made. We could talk about anything ranging from politics to religion, sports, social issues and she'd even make fun out of stuff she once truly believed in. Plus I motivated her through school and collage, I was the one introducing her to healthy diet and exercise. She wouldn't do a thing on her own. I went out running and cycling with her. I went to fitness with her. She would not do any of this stuff. Once it was too cold, once it was too hot, windy, I don't wanna do it. She is a quitter and I'm the one saying just one last push up, just cycle one more kilometer etc. I battle through my own psyche and she doesn't. The progress she made is huge but she's nearly not there yet.

 

I on the other hand am a completely different person. I motivate myself and people around me. I question everything and speak my thoughts out. But I had no one to motivate me and truly support me. It was of course my own fault since I didn't talk about my problems at all and how hurt I really am. My greatest weakness was that I had problems on my own and wanted to clear my head and figure out things on my own. I was very very depressed for years which definitely had an impact on my gf as well. I was chasing dreams that I should have let go a long time ago and did not want to let go of my youth. There was also an alcohol abuse situation in my family which really hurt me as well. Again I was the mediator at home trying to fix things and eventually we did it together. My parents are both now sober for over a year. They say it's the biggest achievement of my life to save their marriage and also save their lives. At one point my father was completely crashed. But I know that it's actually not my achievement at all. It's theirs. People have to eventually see and decide for themselves and that is exactly what my ex is going through right now. I see it as a journey she took to rediscover herself.

 

It's not that I blame her or hate her. Not at all. It's the situation and reality I'm disappointed with. Simply, that it did happen. And yes, I did go through GIGS and it took me a long time to get over it. I even fell in love for two weeks or so with one of my school mates (I don't give the slightest crap about her anymore) and I'd even check my first love's profile from time to time wondering how would it be. It was good to feel that feeling again but I was physically strong enough to know it will pass and that I have things with my gf I'd miss and that she loves me and I wouldn't want to disappoint her. I decided she's the one I want to build my future with and won't mess it up. I'd rather fantasize than act. It was basically sex related stuff (I'm a man ffs) and I convinced myself that it's just my head playing tricks on me. I told myself because I know it's true "look once you are done being horny, you don't give a **** anymore." You guys know how it is. Even if you have the sexiest women on the world who will do anything for you sex related you'll eventually get tired of everything and fantasize about something new. It's just in the human nature to want stuff you can't have. Once you get it you're like meehh and start looking for something new. We get bored. My actions would never go over the line. For her it's not so sex related rather than emotionally related and I know the day will come when they'll be in the same position than we were. Honeymoon phase doesn't last forever. And that's when the problems begin. I have things sorted out in my head but she and probably even he don't. Eventually things got better for me but looks like when I finally got out she started falling in the same trap. It was one of the toughest battles of my life especially when so much other s*** was happening in my life I had to deal with. GIGS, alcohol abuse in family, I seriously injured my knee and had to give up on playing basketball which was my second love, dealing with school issues, trying to figure out how to proceed with my life, what kind of job do I want since I did not want to had that usual 8 hour job routine life and doing something I don't want. I wanted to open my own company but it was risky. I was wondering where we'd live, where we'd work, how to motivate and support her etc. etc. There was really a bunch of s*** going on in my mind and I was almost almost there when BUM, this happened. And when she'd want to break up I told her all of this and my own problems I had to deal with and how this is a phase a couple eventually has to battle through and how we'll do it together like everything else. She did understand and tried to do it. She'd want to do it but she simply couldn't. At one point she was crying so bad and said "I just won't be able to do it". She just wasn't physically strong enough and there was nothing more I could do to help get through this. I guess letting her go is the only thing left to do. It's a journey she took and will have to find and realize on her own who she is and what she wants and how she feels about me. Unfortunately this does not mean she'll come back to me. It's really a sad situation for me to be in and I guess the feeling of being absolutely without any control for things happening around me is the worst possible. :(

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Hey guys. Can we talk about this some more? :) I know no one can predict the outcome but I wonder out of curiosity what do you think will happen here?

 

I went completely NC. It's hard as hell. Temptation is big and patience is the key. I have to control myself but it's super tough. Do you think she'll try to contact me within a month, let's say before the new year? :bunny:

 

I'll keep you updated on what's happening...

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I think it's best for you not to expect anything. NC is not for you to lure her back.

 

Believe me, i was thinking like you at the start of NC until I gave up on the idea that she will come back and just started focusing on getting fit again.

And just when I least expected it.. yeah, she called. So did the ex before her and ex before that ex. We never got back together, though. I wasn't looking forward to that either. I was so focused on developing myself that I didn't have the emotional capacity to entertain any of them. But we are all friends now..

 

Well, not exactly friends but strangers on neutral terms.

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I see your point and I hope I'll get myself into that state of mind. I'm closer every day I think. But at the same time I also wonder what will happen here. I just cannot help myself but to think about all of this.

 

mav3rik, so 3 exes wanted to get back to you. What happened, why did hey dumped you, what was the real reason and what happened that they wanted you back, can you share your story, I'd love to hear it?

 

dclan, if your words turn into a reality, you'll have to send me your address (so I can thank you somehow, I'll figure out a way) because I'll be jumping out of happiness whatever happens - if I'll take her back or just have that chance to say to her "I told you the day will come when you'll go through living hell like I did". :)

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DrReplyInRhymes

And i dont think there is any medical proof for a "7 year itch." A great marilyn monroe MOVIE and a wikipedia page.

Welcome to a land called denial. Population. you

 

I like your posts, they are cynical like me,

But I hope you don't mind if I speak candidly,

There is medical proof of other conditions,

But you refuse to even acknowledge their existence...

 

GIGS is a way to explain to the masses,

the loss of attraction and moving to greener pastures.

But the thing that differentiates GIGS from moving on,

Is the fact that they try to return with the excuse of being wrong...

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Focus on yourself. Do something new.

 

Save this thread and come back after 5 months and tell us how you still feel after that time. It does get better, sure you will have set backs once in a while but, man, seriously.. in time.. you will look back and say "holy sh*t i'm doing great!"

 

it's just like rolling your ankles, it will hurt the first day. it will hurt the next day and the days after that.. and then you suddenly wake up one day and you don't realize that the pain is gone and you will have no idea for how long it was gone.. it's just not there anymore.. that how you will feel someday.

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mav3rik, so 3 exes wanted to get back to you. What happened, why did hey dumped you, what was the real reason and what happened that they wanted you back, can you share your story, I'd love to hear it?

 

:)

 

Not really, the 1st ex (6 yr realtionship) called because she almost didn't recognize me and congratulated me for the positive change (i lost 50lbs). I was the one who broke up with her, though. because of gigs, probably (i was mid 20's)

 

The 2nd one was the supposed "greener grass". way hotter than the first and a lot cooler but she cheated so i had to end that. she wanted to get back together because her new man beats her up. that was a 2 yr RS.

 

most recent one. was the youngest. 21 yrs old. Im already 29. she broke up with me because " i was too good for her" which is BS, but i understood because I also went thru that.. it was a 4 month RS. She didn't express any desire to come back but whatever i did sure got her to call me after 3 months of NC. this happened 2 months ago. I deleted her number after she called. But I didn't treat her like an enemy the last time we talked.

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Hey guys. Can we talk about this some more? :) I know no one can predict the outcome but I wonder out of curiosity what do you think will happen here?

 

I went completely NC. It's hard as hell. Temptation is big and patience is the key. I have to control myself but it's super tough. Do you think she'll try to contact me within a month, let's say before the new year? :bunny:

 

I'll keep you updated on what's happening...

 

Well there is not much more we can tell you. Right now you are still in the "very hurt just started NC".

 

The best thing you can get from loveshack now is:

 

- Check other people's post, because you'll find your situation is not unique, it actually happens a lot. Many people are dealing with situations very similar to you.

 

- Post your progress, help others. What you learn in this time, use to encourage others to get better.

 

About your situation:

 

I know that RIGHT now, you went NC, but you are still hoping that maybe she will miss you with the passing of time. I know you have some hope that she will drop this douchebag, and call you in like....3 or 4 weeks to get back together.

 

Now is it possible? well yes. How much possible? not much, at least not in such a short period of time.

 

It is OK to have hope. It really is. Maybe in some distant future you guys reconnect, maybe get back together, maybe just have a 1 night stand and then part ways as friends, etc. Hope isn't that bad.

 

The problem with hope, is that you need to understand that:

 

a) You may never see/hear from her again.

 

b) Even while having hope, you need to put your thoughts someplace else

 

c) You need to be open to the possibility that YOU might meet someone better

 

And finally....you need to know that, even if you see her again, a LOT of time will pass. At least 6 months. Probably more, like a year.

 

The best part is that, even while hoping, you will slowly stop thinking about her, start moving on, meeting new people. And if she does ever come back, you will be amazed by the fact that you will not be interested in her.

 

Its actually a pretty nice moment when this things happens. Its like:

 

-"Dam, 1 year ago I would have give anything to be with you again, but now...you finally came back to me and I don't even want you? Geez".

 

So its ok to have hope. As long as you understand it may not happen, and you use it to actually grow and accept your path.

 

My personal view on hope would be something like this:

 

Ok so I do love her, yet we are not together anymore. I'm going to live my life, meet new people, try to meet new girls. I really hope some day she comes back to me, but hey, until that happens, I'm going to live my life and have fun. Maybe I'll even meet someone new and better. And if she never returns, then it just wasn't meant to be.

 

So try to relax. I know that right now you are very nostalgic, and you will have a lot of "bad" days.

 

I know you are hoping for her relationship to crash and burn. It is true that her relationship will probably fail. But it doesn't mean she will return to you after that.

 

Obviously her relationship having a high probability of failure gives a bit of comfort, as in:"HA! take that!".

 

But don't dwell on it. Take your time, slowly get your life together. If she is meant to return, she will. If she is not, then you'll find your own path.

 

:o

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dclan thanks for your new post, again, you're helping me a lot!

 

And finally....you need to know that, even if you see her again, a LOT of time will pass. At least 6 months. Probably more, like a year.

 

Now I wouldn't bet on that. We all live in a small town of population 4.000. :))) I actually saw her a few times after the actual break up.

 

1. Just after the bu. Plenty times in gym. Our relationship would vary at that point. I didn't know how I feel and how to react. Once I ignored her once we were talking normally like nothing happened at all etc.

 

2. Then I saw her when I went for a walk. She was with her new bf holding hands and his kid in between. They'd even stop holding hands when I came near, she'd look at me and the guy would turn the other way. I just went by them, looked at her and said absolutely nothing.

 

3. After the complete NC started a few days ago I also saw her once with his bf walking. They saw me but I went my own way so we wouldn't actually cross each other's paths.

 

I try to avoid her now. I go to other places, have different time plan in the gym etc. but I know sooner or later I'll see her and them again. How do I act in these type of situations if I eventually want her back one day? I understand what you're saying how I must move on but I don't wanna loose all my chances if you know what I mean?

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Ok guys, what do you think of this? Unfortunately we live in the same very small town and I hear a lot of things. She already went for a walk with his kid alone acting like her mother and then he probably joined them. They're acting like a family. I know she had a huge wish for a child when we were together and she loves kids. To answer one's question. What does he have that I don't? Well, a kid. Is this sick or what? Did she totally lost her mind? :confused:

 

3) The guy has a kid. This will create problems eventually. She may like the kid now when the kid is not her responsability, but wait until the guy asks her to do stuff for the kid. There is also the kid's mother (which will ALWAYS cause problems).

 

Looks like this is already happening. But since she enjoys the kids so much and wants her own child this is something that won't cause any problems. This is actually something I couldn't gave her yet.

 

I'm so pissed off at everything.

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So, what do you think of this? Isn't she moving light speed fast???

 

It looks like she wanted a family and a guy who wants a family so bad she just straight jumped into one.

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Would anyone care to comment on this? I think his kid played a large role that she left me for him. She already took her as her own and acts like her mother and they play this happy family together. Is this insane or what?

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