Broke up with soulmate - letting go of friends[update]

[artsygirl78]

I wanted to share my story for anyone out there who made the extremely tough decision to break up with someone they really love deeply - to the point of feeling like they were soulmates - and to hear from anyone who has gone through something similar. I am experiencing the greatest heartbreak of my life, at the very beginning of NC so going through the worst of the grief, and find I am getting a lot of support from reading other posts here. Any thoughts or reflections on my situation would be really, really appreciated. I have never experienced anything like this before in my life.

 

My break up is very recent - we broke up only a month ago. We were together for a year, but the connection was so intense that it felt like I had been with him for three. I will not bore you with the overly long story of our courtship, suffice it to say that there was a VERY deep connection from the beginning - once he started courting me we were talking/texting almost every day. Our first phone conversation was six hours. Our first date was sort of a "set up" at a friend's house and from the moment we saw each other in person, we were joined at the hip. He was everything (or more importantly, SEEMED TO BE everything) I was looking for in a partner - a kind, sensitive, very generous heart - he seemed to have not one mean bone in his body - extremely intelligent, witty and dark/edgy sense of humor, owned his own business for years in IT so seemed to be responsible and grounded, knew exactly what he wanted out of life and went for it, curious about life and culture. When I first met him, two years ago, he was actually in a relationship with someone else. He and I had a very long conversation and when I realized he was taken I tried to hide my interest - he never flirted with me or was inappropriate with me, he seemed to be really devoted to his girl, and I thought - now THIS is a nice guy. There were many other personality traits and qualities/interests/personal history similarities that were uncanny - it was like we were a perfect match for one another, two peas in a pod. I was deeply in love from the beginning. We were long distance (about a 4-5 hour drive) and we were both in a place of making real changes in our lives - we decided we were going to try the long distance thing for a specific amount of time, at which time a) he would know what was going to happen with his business since things had been going badly and b) I was going to know what was going on with my career, and whether I needed to stay in my hometown or would be free to be able to move to wherever he was.

 

The tragedy came through the one or two ways in which we were not compatible, which in the end were deal breakers for me. We were compatible in EVERY OTHER WAY, which is what makes this the heartbreak of my life. First, my ex was very cynical about relationships, and felt that he couldn't believe in monogamy - he actually had an "openish" relationship with his previous girlfriend, the one I had met and thought he was in a monogamous, devoted relationship with - since he had been cheated on in most of his major relationships. He told me he had never cheated on anyone and had indeed been in monogamous relationships before, but I found his beliefs/sexual interests really intimidating. I am a one-man kind of woman, and he told me he found the way I looked at relationships something that he would have believed in only when he was much younger (we are in our forties). But he also said I was the kind of woman he thought he would never be able to get, I was his dreamgirl and my beliefs about relationships were what made me beautiful. He also said he was comfortable in monogamous relationships and never had a problem conforming to his partner's boundaries. But addition to that, he was very flirtatious with other women, he liked to go out and party a lot even at his age- he was part of a huge group of people that all hung together all the time and it seemed really important to him to be included. He also had an extremely close female friend with a history of the two of them being attracted to/interested in one another without acting on it only because he wanted kids and she didn't, and the way she acted around him it was like she was treating him like a surrogate boyfriend. Plus his attitude of accepting a monogamous relationship because he wanted children really badly - instead of wanting a monogamous relationship because he wanted to be in love with someone and make a life with them - all of it made me feel really uneasy, and I was always "managing" my panic or unease instead of feeling safe. As a woman who has been cheated on before, being able to trust my partner to act in a boundaried way with other women is extremely important, so this was a constant source of stress.

 

The second was that in reality, he was not grounded at all but pretty emotionally unstable, and unhappy, and seemed to have difficulty making hard decisions that were necessary to move life forward. He perseverated about his dashed dreams from youth all the time, as if life was never going to get any better than it was for him twenty years ago. He said he was over his ex, but talked about her - a LOT. I got compared to her all the time. From the beginning to the end of our relationship. To the point where I wondered if he wanted to get back together with her before she shacked up with someone else. He seemed stuck in a really negative, victim-driven way of looking at life. He was stubborn and had to do everything his way, but his way was not working. I knew his business was having a rough time, but in reality he was hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt, including owing money to his ex-girlfriend, and was being taken to court for unpaid bills. I couldn't talk to him about things that upset or worried me without him completely breaking down, getting depressed - all of my friends tell me I am the kindest, softest person they have ever met, but to hear my ex talk, you would think I was a bully. I became responsible for his emotional state. I would have worked alongside him to to help him financially, but he said he didn't want my help and he didn't see anything wrong with the idea of bringing children into the world without financial stability. All of his dreams seemed so "pie-in-the-sky", and I knew that I didn't want to get married and bring children into the world with such huge debt looming over my head with no clear solution in sight. I was worried that my ex was on some level perfectly happy living in a way that seemed sort of "young", and despite his talk about making changes, never would. I knew that if I said yes to getting married, he wanted to start trying to get pregnant immediately, this summer, and I felt his life was not in a place to be supporting children.

 

We got to our "end mark" where we were going to decide what we were going to do, this May. He recognized there were issues, and wanted to be able to work them out in person. I had a better time of it in my life and was now at a place where I could move wherever I wanted, so I knew I could go and live with him over the summer. He told me that he was pretty sure he wanted to ask me to marry him but that we needed to work on our issues about trust, and I completely agreed. I was getting excited about the idea of making a life with him, moving to be with him, I thought we could still work out the financial and trust issues - but my last visit with him ended in disaster. I went down to visit him since he was having such a tough week, and even though he said he was happy to see me and my trip made him really happy, he was weirdly distant when he saw me. I thought it might just be stress. My panic got the best of me though, and on a whim, I was tempted to look at his phone texts, and I found a whole history of sexual flirtation with a girl twenty years his junior, to the point where she was making fun of me, he was complaining about me to her - they had obviously talked about our relationship, and the way she dissed me was awful. It was like there were two versions of my ex - the devoted one I was dating who said he loved me and he would never cheat on me, and the guy I saw in the texts, who was saying things like he hoped he could stay out of trouble before I came to visit again. The close female friend was also flirty with him, and sent him pictures of herself to show off her new tatoos, except she was completely naked in the pics. I was livid and thought - this is a dealbreaker. I can't do this anymore. If he is telling me he is already feeling like I am keeping him on a "tight leash" and he feels he has already curbed his sexual flirtation with women from what he is normally like just for me, and this sort of stuff is going on and this is just the beginning of the relationship, there was no way we were going to be able to make a life together. I felt so deeply hurt and deeply disrespected, that I felt I had to stick up for myself and walk out. Which I did. He did not want me to leave, he was extremely upset, but even the things he tried saying to keep me from leaving were hurtful. He sent me a very angry email that night telling me he would never be able to get back together with me now, that I dishonored him because he would never cheat and had not cheated, and that I threw our amazing relationship away over "nothing" - the naked tatoo pics were just supposed to be innocent from one friend to another, and it was my fault for him talking to the 24 year old about me - he felt he had "no one" else to talk to about his relationship issues, since he knew I would be uncomfortable with him talking to naked tatoo pic lady about it.

 

By the next day he was texting me that he missed me and was sad lonely and confused, wanted to make sure I was OK. I pushed back and told him I was OK but to please not contact me, I was upset and breaking up with him was very hard for me to do, although I thought it was the right thing. He asked me if I was really going to go through with it, that he thought I had just freaked out and would come to my senses. The arrogance of that statement pushed me over the edge and I gave him a piece of my mind, although I ended by saying I loved him and it was breaking my heart that I couldn't be with him, and he deserved to be with someone for whom all the talk about open relationships and sexual flirtation would not be so hurtful. He did not contact me after that, but the week afterwards I was a walking, bleeding miserable heart 24/7. I found myself on his fb page, obsessing over what he may or may not be doing, and then he started liking some of my posts, which tore me in two. His profile pic was still the two of us together, and I thought to myself that I was still feeling like he was my boyfriend and that this was really confusing. I was also second guessing my decision and was missing him terribly. I contacted him through fb and gave him a heads up that I felt I needed to cut online contact for now since it felt emotionally confusing, that I wanted to tell him ahead of time so that he knew what was going on. I saw that he read my message that night, and he did not write back. I went ahead and unfriended/blocked him (the blocking didn't last long since I missed him so terribly).

 

Five days later I got a tirade of texts from him, asking me how and why I could unfriend him, that he didn't change his profile pic of us together because he didn't feel it was over and wanted to still work things out since he knew he didn't cheat, but my unfriending him on fb made it impossible for him to grieve over what he had lost without contacting me, but didn't I want to see him ever again? I felt horrible and apologized immediately, and we started a long text conversation in which we told one another that we loved one another, missed one another - I tried staying strong and said that I wanted to at least be friends but that I needed separation for a time because I still loved him as my boyfriend, he seemed to say that he wanted to still work things out, and didn't want to lose me as a friend. He asked if we could try slowly chatting in a few days or a week. I told him that if he wanted to talk about working on things as a couple, I would be open to slowly talking about it after I had some time to think, but if he wanted to just be friends, then I needed a real separation and closure before we could connect again so that I had time to grieve. Instead of telling me what he wanted, he just said that in either case we would let time take care of us, and for me to not let the emotional trauma get in the way of all of my goals, and that he believed in me. I told him that I found that confusing, and asked him point blank which was it he wanted - to talk about repairing things as a couple and speaking to one another in a few days or a week, or leaving things as friends and ceasing communication until maybe in months or a year we could maybe talk to one another? He never texted me back a response.

 

That last exchange was two weeks ago. I heard nothing back from him at all - after opening up and saying I was willing to work on things again, he just dropped communication. I reblocked him after a few days. One of my friends told me that he had changed his profile pic back to himself alone. So after all the running after me to try and work things out, when I opened up and said I wanted to work on things too, he was the one in the end who didn't want to try. It makes me wonder what his real motivation was in contacting me in the first place, if it was not about loving me and wanting me back, but about his ego and wanting to feel like he was the one that did the dumping. Which, for a 46 year old man, would be tragic.

 

It has been a very painful few weeks, to say the least. Part of me as I write this knows that it was the right decision to stick up for myself, but my heart that misses him like part of myself wonders if there was any other way I could have tried to make it work out. What is done, is done, and I find myself hoping and praying that he will find his way back to me. I am afraid I will never love a man as much or in the way I loved my ex. It feels like there was life before him, and life after him, and after this heartbreak I will never be the same. The NC policy is so, SO hard, I miss him so badly and want to reach out so badly to try and ask forgiveness and see if we can still try, but I know that for me to look on his fb page would be absolute torture and keep me from moving on, and that his actions are telling me exactly what he wants - and it is not getting back together with me. I look to these pages to hear other people's stories and take comfort in knowing I am not alone, that breaking up is part of the human story and taking a chance on love.

[flight E]

You seem a decent person. Pls lose this guy. He is a complete loser. Can't see y u are crazy bout him. You seem to have your acts together but he seems a child. Lose this guy for your own good

[flight E]

And what are you asking forgiveness for. Pls stop this you can do better for yourself. God demeaning you to a younger woman and you want to ask for forgiveness. Pls, pls, pls don't do that to yourself. That guy is the it. You think him to be. He is a loser

[mickleb]

Er, excuse me love but I think you dropped your self-esteem on the floor? You might want to pick it up before it gets even more trampled on.

 

Some would call this guy a master manipulator, some would call him a 'see you en tee' but none of us would call him soulmate material.

 

You're in your forties and want children, apparently, so I'm going to suggest you get some counselling that helps you to understand why you fell so quickly and heavily for someone who is so clearly a loser. And why, now you know - without doubt - what a prick he is, you still want him back.

 

Good luck. You'll get there if you really want to.

[thekid36]

I wanted to share my story for anyone out there who made the extremely tough decision to break up with someone they really love deeply - to the point of feeling like they were soulmates - and to hear from anyone who has gone through something similar. I am experiencing the greatest heartbreak of my life, at the very beginning of NC so going through the worst of the grief, and find I am getting a lot of support from reading other posts here. Any thoughts or reflections on my situation would be really, really appreciated. I have never experienced anything like this before in my life.

 

My break up is very recent - we broke up only a month ago. We were together for a year, but the connection was so intense that it felt like I had been with him for three. I will not bore you with the overly long story of our courtship, suffice it to say that there was a VERY deep connection from the beginning - once he started courting me we were talking/texting almost every day. Our first phone conversation was six hours. Our first date was sort of a "set up" at a friend's house and from the moment we saw each other in person, we were joined at the hip. He was everything (or more importantly, SEEMED TO BE everything) I was looking for in a partner - a kind, sensitive, very generous heart - he seemed to have not one mean bone in his body - extremely intelligent, witty and dark/edgy sense of humor, owned his own business for years in IT so seemed to be responsible and grounded, knew exactly what he wanted out of life and went for it, curious about life and culture. When I first met him, two years ago, he was actually in a relationship with someone else. He and I had a very long conversation and when I realized he was taken I tried to hide my interest - he never flirted with me or was inappropriate with me, he seemed to be really devoted to his girl, and I thought - now THIS is a nice guy. There were many other personality traits and qualities/interests/personal history similarities that were uncanny - it was like we were a perfect match for one another, two peas in a pod. I was deeply in love from the beginning. We were long distance (about a 4-5 hour drive) and we were both in a place of making real changes in our lives - we decided we were going to try the long distance thing for a specific amount of time, at which time a) he would know what was going to happen with his business since things had been going badly and b) I was going to know what was going on with my career, and whether I needed to stay in my hometown or would be free to be able to move to wherever he was.

 

The tragedy came through the one or two ways in which we were not compatible, which in the end were deal breakers for me. We were compatible in EVERY OTHER WAY, which is what makes this the heartbreak of my life. First, my ex was very cynical about relationships, and felt that he couldn't believe in monogamy - he actually had an "openish" relationship with his previous girlfriend, the one I had met and thought he was in a monogamous, devoted relationship with - since he had been cheated on in most of his major relationships. He told me he had never cheated on anyone and had indeed been in monogamous relationships before, but I found his beliefs/sexual interests really intimidating. I am a one-man kind of woman, and he told me he found the way I looked at relationships something that he would have believed in only when he was much younger (we are in our forties). But he also said I was the kind of woman he thought he would never be able to get, I was his dreamgirl and my beliefs about relationships were what made me beautiful. He also said he was comfortable in monogamous relationships and never had a problem conforming to his partner's boundaries. But addition to that, he was very flirtatious with other women, he liked to go out and party a lot even at his age- he was part of a huge group of people that all hung together all the time and it seemed really important to him to be included. He also had an extremely close female friend with a history of the two of them being attracted to/interested in one another without acting on it only because he wanted kids and she didn't, and the way she acted around him it was like she was treating him like a surrogate boyfriend. Plus his attitude of accepting a monogamous relationship because he wanted children really badly - instead of wanting a monogamous relationship because he wanted to be in love with someone and make a life with them - all of it made me feel really uneasy, and I was always "managing" my panic or unease instead of feeling safe. As a woman who has been cheated on before, being able to trust my partner to act in a boundaried way with other women is extremely important, so this was a constant source of stress.

 

The second was that in reality, he was not grounded at all but pretty emotionally unstable, and unhappy, and seemed to have difficulty making hard decisions that were necessary to move life forward. He perseverated about his dashed dreams from youth all the time, as if life was never going to get any better than it was for him twenty years ago. He said he was over his ex, but talked about her - a LOT. I got compared to her all the time. From the beginning to the end of our relationship. To the point where I wondered if he wanted to get back together with her before she shacked up with someone else. He seemed stuck in a really negative, victim-driven way of looking at life. He was stubborn and had to do everything his way, but his way was not working. I knew his business was having a rough time, but in reality he was hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt, including owing money to his ex-girlfriend, and was being taken to court for unpaid bills. I couldn't talk to him about things that upset or worried me without him completely breaking down, getting depressed - all of my friends tell me I am the kindest, softest person they have ever met, but to hear my ex talk, you would think I was a bully. I became responsible for his emotional state. I would have worked alongside him to to help him financially, but he said he didn't want my help and he didn't see anything wrong with the idea of bringing children into the world without financial stability. All of his dreams seemed so "pie-in-the-sky", and I knew that I didn't want to get married and bring children into the world with such huge debt looming over my head with no clear solution in sight. I was worried that my ex was on some level perfectly happy living in a way that seemed sort of "young", and despite his talk about making changes, never would. I knew that if I said yes to getting married, he wanted to start trying to get pregnant immediately, this summer, and I felt his life was not in a place to be supporting children.

 

We got to our "end mark" where we were going to decide what we were going to do, this May. He recognized there were issues, and wanted to be able to work them out in person. I had a better time of it in my life and was now at a place where I could move wherever I wanted, so I knew I could go and live with him over the summer. He told me that he was pretty sure he wanted to ask me to marry him but that we needed to work on our issues about trust, and I completely agreed. I was getting excited about the idea of making a life with him, moving to be with him, I thought we could still work out the financial and trust issues - but my last visit with him ended in disaster. I went down to visit him since he was having such a tough week, and even though he said he was happy to see me and my trip made him really happy, he was weirdly distant when he saw me. I thought it might just be stress. My panic got the best of me though, and on a whim, I was tempted to look at his phone texts, and I found a whole history of sexual flirtation with a girl twenty years his junior, to the point where she was making fun of me, he was complaining about me to her - they had obviously talked about our relationship, and the way she dissed me was awful. It was like there were two versions of my ex - the devoted one I was dating who said he loved me and he would never cheat on me, and the guy I saw in the texts, who was saying things like he hoped he could stay out of trouble before I came to visit again. The close female friend was also flirty with him, and sent him pictures of herself to show off her new tatoos, except she was completely naked in the pics. I was livid and thought - this is a dealbreaker. I can't do this anymore. If he is telling me he is already feeling like I am keeping him on a "tight leash" and he feels he has already curbed his sexual flirtation with women from what he is normally like just for me, and this sort of stuff is going on and this is just the beginning of the relationship, there was no way we were going to be able to make a life together. I felt so deeply hurt and deeply disrespected, that I felt I had to stick up for myself and walk out. Which I did. He did not want me to leave, he was extremely upset, but even the things he tried saying to keep me from leaving were hurtful. He sent me a very angry email that night telling me he would never be able to get back together with me now, that I dishonored him because he would never cheat and had not cheated, and that I threw our amazing relationship away over "nothing" - the naked tatoo pics were just supposed to be innocent from one friend to another, and it was my fault for him talking to the 24 year old about me - he felt he had "no one" else to talk to about his relationship issues, since he knew I would be uncomfortable with him talking to naked tatoo pic lady about it.

 

By the next day he was texting me that he missed me and was sad lonely and confused, wanted to make sure I was OK. I pushed back and told him I was OK but to please not contact me, I was upset and breaking up with him was very hard for me to do, although I thought it was the right thing. He asked me if I was really going to go through with it, that he thought I had just freaked out and would come to my senses. The arrogance of that statement pushed me over the edge and I gave him a piece of my mind, although I ended by saying I loved him and it was breaking my heart that I couldn't be with him, and he deserved to be with someone for whom all the talk about open relationships and sexual flirtation would not be so hurtful. He did not contact me after that, but the week afterwards I was a walking, bleeding miserable heart 24/7. I found myself on his fb page, obsessing over what he may or may not be doing, and then he started liking some of my posts, which tore me in two. His profile pic was still the two of us together, and I thought to myself that I was still feeling like he was my boyfriend and that this was really confusing. I was also second guessing my decision and was missing him terribly. I contacted him through fb and gave him a heads up that I felt I needed to cut online contact for now since it felt emotionally confusing, that I wanted to tell him ahead of time so that he knew what was going on. I saw that he read my message that night, and he did not write back. I went ahead and unfriended/blocked him (the blocking didn't last long since I missed him so terribly).

 

Five days later I got a tirade of texts from him, asking me how and why I could unfriend him, that he didn't change his profile pic of us together because he didn't feel it was over and wanted to still work things out since he knew he didn't cheat, but my unfriending him on fb made it impossible for him to grieve over what he had lost without contacting me, but didn't I want to see him ever again? I felt horrible and apologized immediately, and we started a long text conversation in which we told one another that we loved one another, missed one another - I tried staying strong and said that I wanted to at least be friends but that I needed separation for a time because I still loved him as my boyfriend, he seemed to say that he wanted to still work things out, and didn't want to lose me as a friend. He asked if we could try slowly chatting in a few days or a week. I told him that if he wanted to talk about working on things as a couple, I would be open to slowly talking about it after I had some time to think, but if he wanted to just be friends, then I needed a real separation and closure before we could connect again so that I had time to grieve. Instead of telling me what he wanted, he just said that in either case we would let time take care of us, and for me to not let the emotional trauma get in the way of all of my goals, and that he believed in me. I told him that I found that confusing, and asked him point blank which was it he wanted - to talk about repairing things as a couple and speaking to one another in a few days or a week, or leaving things as friends and ceasing communication until maybe in months or a year we could maybe talk to one another? He never texted me back a response.

 

That last exchange was two weeks ago. I heard nothing back from him at all - after opening up and saying I was willing to work on things again, he just dropped communication. I reblocked him after a few days. One of my friends told me that he had changed his profile pic back to himself alone. So after all the running after me to try and work things out, when I opened up and said I wanted to work on things too, he was the one in the end who didn't want to try. It makes me wonder what his real motivation was in contacting me in the first place, if it was not about loving me and wanting me back, but about his ego and wanting to feel like he was the one that did the dumping. Which, for a 46 year old man, would be tragic.

 

It has been a very painful few weeks, to say the least. Part of me as I write this knows that it was the right decision to stick up for myself, but my heart that misses him like part of myself wonders if there was any other way I could have tried to make it work out. What is done, is done, and I find myself hoping and praying that he will find his way back to me. I am afraid I will never love a man as much or in the way I loved my ex. It feels like there was life before him, and life after him, and after this heartbreak I will never be the same. The NC policy is so, SO hard, I miss him so badly and want to reach out so badly to try and ask forgiveness and see if we can still try, but I know that for me to look on his fb page would be absolute torture and keep me from moving on, and that his actions are telling me exactly what he wants - and it is not getting back together with me. I look to these pages to hear other people's stories and take comfort in knowing I am not alone, that breaking up is part of the human story and taking a chance on love.

 

 

 

Hi! I sense that it took a lot of strength to post you story. Not an easy thing that you are going through. Thank you for being so honest and open with all of us tonight. I hope you will find some comfort in our words. I apologize in advance for the rambling!

 

 

 

First of all, please do not be angry at your own self. We cannot really control who it is we fall for. Even as much as we may try. You seem to have specific reasons for choosing this man. All of the qualities you initially mention suggest a partner who is more than worthy of your love. Any man who captivated a woman like you would most likely need to be a little special.

 

 

 

The issue that concerns me is that something specific made you feel uncomfortable. This is the whole open relationship one. I was with a woman once who wanted to open things up. No need here to mention why. It was the very last thing I wanted. Not in tune with my personal beliefs at all. But stupidly, I gave in because of not liking to give up on things. I was uncomfortable beyond belief and always regretted my initial choice to agree to this. Suffice to say that it did not work out. The point of this is to suggest that you should never give up what is most important to you. Monogamy is important in your mind and it makes sense to many people out there. Sure, being with someone is about compromise. But, not when it comes to your core common values. This would/will always be an issue going forward.

 

 

 

All of this being magnified by the fact that you have been cheated on. Sure, all in life is specific. But, we all come into a new relationship with what we have been through. Cheating is something which brings a unique lack of comfort to the person on the other end. This is something that does not swiftly go away. I was not even cheated on because of agreeing to open things up. Never even in love with my ex now that I look back on it. And, I cannot even tell you how much this has messed with me. Even with a free pass, I could not cheat. How many other guys in their right mind have basically a free pass and don't have sex with someone else? I sense that you would not cheat even if you had a free pass. Even if your partner was with someone else. That kind of thinking may have the tendency to drive who you are in many ways. A partner who loves you should be aware of this.

 

 

 

Then comes the next red flag. It seems as if you are within different areas of your life. He seems to be more of a happy go lucky and free for all type where as you may be much more practical. This is a tremendous difference. It is not a matter of right or wrong. Just a difference in what drives each of you. Does not mean that this would cause a disaster going forward. But, this is an issue to consider and it is interesting you brought it up.

 

 

 

Now is the one which may be as much of a concern as the open flirting. It is absolutely unacceptable for him to have talked the way he did about you with his friend. Especially, behind your own back. Friends should be there for our support. Not for us to persecute another person. Especially our own significant other. And, the fact that this friend of his made fun of you is also concerning. He should have stuck up for you if this relationship meant to him half of what it seems it did to you. I would not tolerate any of my friends being this way about a woman I was in love with. Does not sound like he has handled your concerns about this very maturely. Nor, that he even has your back. This would be a huge concern to me. Sorry for being so blunt. Just really trying to be realistic.

 

 

 

I am not liking the way he has reacted since all of that started to go down. He does not seem to really respect what you are feeling and thinking. This is based on words like that he was 'waiting for you to come to your senses'. As if you are the one who should be ashamed and trying to turn it all back on you! Not the sign of a partner who cares about much about your sentiments. Sure, he may say that he misses you. He may claim that he loves you all day long. But, his recent actions absolutely do not suggest this. He also seems to be sending you mixed messages. Which is not going to help you in trying to move forward.

 

 

 

It would make sense that you miss him. This is someone you care about an awful lot. You spent a large amount of time together. You initially saw qualities within him which you cannot help but value. If you got back together with this man, sure, he would not beat you nor be boring. He may be someone to have fun with and may not even be bad to look at. The thing is that you deserve extraordinary. You need someone who is going to fight for you no matter what. Someone who will love you back the same exact way and with just as much unequivocal passion. Not someone who complains about you and that acts different when around you. Not a person who does not stick up for you when you are being treated unfairly. Nor, a person who has a tendency to not care about your feelings. Not a soul who flirts with other females.

 

 

 

If this has any chance to work out, he is going to need to change a few things. Otherwise, even as tough as it is, you may have to just move on. Sometimes when we love someone, the best thing we can do is simply let go. Does not mean you don't care. It just means that staying together might hold the both of you back. It may be the best gift that the both of you will ever receive.

[SpiritualAlchemy]

1000 Likes @ thekid!

[thekid36]

1000 Likes @ thekid!

 

 

999 would have been more than sufficient.

 

Glad I make sense to someone. At times, I don't even make much sense to my own self!

 

If some of my thoughts make the OP or anyone else think, then that is all I could ever hope for.

[flight E]

No disrespect to the kids soft approach and to you but you need to quickly forget this guy and get your acts together. You are not treating yourself with respect and dignity how do you expect him to

[artsygirl78]

For the Kid - Thank you for this really kind, generous and beautifully written post. Seeing other posters call my ex a loser was a bit of a sting, although like a cold shower maybe I should be paying attention and take it as a sign. But you were right, it did indeed take a lot for me to post my story here, and I take great comfort in your lovely and thoughtful response - thank you!!

[oldshirt]

That is quite the story and you write very well. I just want to add a few of my thoughts in no particular order as a 50 year old man reading this.

 

 

- Dating is an interview and tryout process to get to know someone in order to determine if they are who you want to enter into any kind of commitment with or spend more of your time and energy with or not. It is a probationary period where either party can walk away without any legal, financial or social obligations or repercussions.

 

 

- outlooks, attitudes and beliefs about Monogamy vs free-market sexuality is NOT an "other-than-that" situation. It is one of the most fundamental and fundational aspects of relationship and if there is a discrepancy in those values and beliefs, then you are not compatible and the relationship will not stand.

 

 

Shiny blue eyes, that cute dimple when he smiles and the way he can wink out the corner of his eye when he flirts with that makes you want to drop your panties is not what makes someone our 'soulmate.' they just make us horny.

 

 

- Financial responsibility and stability and similar values and beliefs on financial security are also a foundational aspect of a committed relationship. If you are going to share financial instruments and credit rating etc etc with someone, they need to be a sound business partner as well as someone that can make you orgasm.

 

 

- in short, he was NOT your soulmate and he was NOT partner material. He was a guy that tripped your attraction triggers and made your jay-jay wet and made you feel like a school girl again.

 

 

- kudos to you for being able to see beyond the blue eyes, dimples and boyish flirtations and see that he was not long-term, committed relationship material.

 

 

- that is the mark of a mature, sensible woman able to evaluate a situation and make logical (albeit painful) decision that best benefits her well-being.

 

 

- I have a 12 1/2 year old daughter. I hope as she develops and matures, that she will be able to evaluate her relationships and situations and make the difficult decisions and take the proper actions and protect herself from incompatible people as you.

[thekid36]

For the Kid - Thank you for this really kind, generous and beautifully written post. Seeing other posters call my ex a loser was a bit of a sting, although like a cold shower maybe I should be paying attention and take it as a sign. But you were right, it did indeed take a lot for me to post my story here, and I take great comfort in your lovely and thoughtful response - thank you!!

 

You are more than welcome! Hope that all is well on your end. Please give us an update as to how you are doing!

[artsygirl78]

I will admit it, I am really struggling today - have been NC since June 12 but have had the upsetting situation of seeing a lengthy post written by my ex on a mutual friend's page - he tagged my friends so it was there for me to see. I didn't have the heart to completely block - I just wasn't ready to let go - but now I am trying to find the strength to do so.

 

My history can be found on my original thread, you can see it in my profile history - but long story short, I broke up with my boyfriend because I saw texts from other women that were really hurtful, that I found disrespectful and inappropriate. I remember reading through them several times to make sure I wasn't "reading into" what I was seeing, I know sometimes I can be an overly sensitive person. He wanted to work on things and try and make it work out, but when I opened myself up to the idea, he just completely dropped communication, so that I ended up ironically feeling like I was the one that was left. The last effort at communication was mine, and he never responded.

 

In short, the fb post that I saw was a long one, in which he was reaching out to his friends to thank them for being so wonderful, that although most people knew that his summer didn't turn out the way he had planned (on other words being with me), he found that he had the most amazing time with his friends over the past few weeks, and then went on to list every single person and every single thing they had done together. When he tagged our mutual friends, what he said was "even though they don't realize it, they have done something I am really grateful for by taking care of someone I love very much!" I have been spending a lot of time with them and have been posting on their pages - I can't imagine he doesn't realize I would see this.

 

It is just leaving me so confused and broken hearted. I can't help but believe that cryptic comment was about me if not meant for me to see, even giving him the benefit of the doubt, but if he loves me so much, how could he pursue making up with me just to completely drop me?? He also made a comment that he knew one thing for sure, he was "going to keep my GREAT FRIENDS" - and two of those friends are the women that sent him really questionable texts. It made me feel like he was "showing" me that he was choosing his friends over me.

 

At the same time, I am just sick over it. It makes me doubt my instinct, did I really over react to what I saw? Am I reading too much into his post today? Part of me feels like I am being manipulated and the other part thinks this is proof I misread the situation and was wrong in breaking up with him Should I try contacting him, or is it time to really just let go and block? Thank you for listening!!

[PegNosePete]

if he loves me so much, how could he pursue making up with me just to completely drop me??

Here you go, you've answered your own question. If he wanted to try again then he would not be posting messages on facebook and tagging mutual friends. He would be knocking on your door, ringing on your phone, sending you private messages. But he isn't. That is all the information you need to know.

 

Block him. What a sanctimonious, attention seeking douche for posting a message like that. Most people claim not to like drama but here he goes, deliberately creating a huge drama, and you're going all doe-eyed over it? See it for what it is. Some attention seeking, self-validating, manipulative drivel.

[d0nnivain]

He was being grateful to people who are helping him through your break up. Even though he had to realize you would see what he wrote at most his post has an element of one upsmanship -- him trying to show that he's doing OK without you. I see nothing that indicates he wants a reconciliation. Do not respond to him because there is nothing to respond to. If he's baiting you, why give in?

[artsygirl78]

Here you go, you've answered your own question. If he wanted to try again then he would not be posting messages on facebook and tagging mutual friends. He would be knocking on your door, ringing on your phone, sending you private messages. But he isn't. That is all the information you need to know.

 

Block him. What a sanctimonious, attention seeking douche for posting a message like that. Most people claim not to like drama but here he goes, deliberately creating a huge drama, and you're going all doe-eyed over it? See it for what it is. Some attention seeking, self-validating, manipulative drivel.

 

 

Thank you for the clear reminder. I am ashamed to admit, even after seeing everyone's responses to what I went through, that you are right - this guy still gets me doe-eyed even though the behavior is manipulative at best. I am realizing I have a lot of work to do on myself - for some reason I am living in fear that I over reacted to what I saw, that I was in the wrong for breaking up with him, and now I am going to suffer into spinsterhood and be punished for making the wrong choice - how's that for dramatic?? (Although I AM a musician by trade, maybe it goes with the territory!!) I have to keep reminding myself that a mature man, someone who really loved and cared about me, would not act the way he did. And that yes, I have something special to offer a husband/partner, and that it is OK for me to have boundaries and stick up for myself if feel I am being disrespected. I am hoping to learn this sooner than later!!

[artsygirl78]

He was being grateful to people who are helping him through your break up. Even though he had to realize you would see what he wrote at most his post has an element of one upsmanship -- him trying to show that he's doing OK without you. I see nothing that indicates he wants a reconciliation. Do not respond to him because there is nothing to respond to. If he's baiting you, why give in?

 

You are right - the part in me that wishes I could have another chance (although I should ask myself why) is grasping at the little straws of those words "love very much". But the rest of the post is a walking advertisement of how wonderful he is doing, and what he is doing to meet someone new. Just. Yuck. I could never imagine treating someone that way

[thekid36]

I will admit it, I am really struggling today - have been NC since June 12 but have had the upsetting situation of seeing a lengthy post written by my ex on a mutual friend's page - he tagged my friends so it was there for me to see. I didn't have the heart to completely block - I just wasn't ready to let go - but now I am trying to find the strength to do so.

 

My history can be found on my original thread, you can see it in my profile history - but long story short, I broke up with my boyfriend because I saw texts from other women that were really hurtful, that I found disrespectful and inappropriate. I remember reading through them several times to make sure I wasn't "reading into" what I was seeing, I know sometimes I can be an overly sensitive person. He wanted to work on things and try and make it work out, but when I opened myself up to the idea, he just completely dropped communication, so that I ended up ironically feeling like I was the one that was left. The last effort at communication was mine, and he never responded.

 

In short, the fb post that I saw was a long one, in which he was reaching out to his friends to thank them for being so wonderful, that although most people knew that his summer didn't turn out the way he had planned (on other words being with me), he found that he had the most amazing time with his friends over the past few weeks, and then went on to list every single person and every single thing they had done together. When he tagged our mutual friends, what he said was "even though they don't realize it, they have done something I am really grateful for by taking care of someone I love very much!" I have been spending a lot of time with them and have been posting on their pages - I can't imagine he doesn't realize I would see this.

 

It is just leaving me so confused and broken hearted. I can't help but believe that cryptic comment was about me if not meant for me to see, even giving him the benefit of the doubt, but if he loves me so much, how could he pursue making up with me just to completely drop me?? He also made a comment that he knew one thing for sure, he was "going to keep my GREAT FRIENDS" - and two of those friends are the women that sent him really questionable texts. It made me feel like he was "showing" me that he was choosing his friends over me.

 

At the same time, I am just sick over it. It makes me doubt my instinct, did I really over react to what I saw? Am I reading too much into his post today? Part of me feels like I am being manipulated and the other part thinks this is proof I misread the situation and was wrong in breaking up with him Should I try contacting him, or is it time to really just let go and block? Thank you for listening!!

 

 

Hi! I am sorry to hear that you have been struggling. However, it is also not completely surprising. You have such an intense passion for this person and it is not something that is just simply going to go away tomorrow. Love is not a light switch.

 

 

You just have to realize that this man is not necessarily treating you the way a lover should. His actions are not showing any indication that he is interested in making this work. He should be even more aware of his actions and how they affect you because of your increased sensitivity.

 

 

This is where the tough part comes in. You want to make things work so much because of your emotions and feelings. The only problem is that it takes two to tango. He is not even willing to put on his dancing shoes at this point.

 

 

So, the best thing may be to just let him go. Even though it will be hard initially. Each and every day will get a little better. If you do start to doubt your decision, think about the extraordinary experiences that await down the road. That light is going to be turned on again. Only this time, you are going to find the right partner who is not content to turn it off!

[artsygirl78]

Hi! I am sorry to hear that you have been struggling. However, it is also not completely surprising. You have such an intense passion for this person and it is not something that is just simply going to go away tomorrow. Love is not a light switch.

 

 

You just have to realize that this man is not necessarily treating you the way a lover should. His actions are not showing any indication that he is interested in making this work. He should be even more aware of his actions and how they affect you because of your increased sensitivity.

 

 

This is where the tough part comes in. You want to make things work so much because of your emotions and feelings. The only problem is that it takes two to tango. He is not even willing to put on his dancing shoes at this point.

 

 

So, the best thing may be to just let him go. Even though it will be hard initially. Each and every day will get a little better. If you do start to doubt your decision, think about the extraordinary experiences that await down the road. That light is going to be turned on again. Only this time, you are going to find the right partner who is not content to turn it off!

 

 

 

Thank you so much! You are absolutely right - and I had a bit of an epiphany yesterday about it - my ex made very clear in his message that he was holding up his friends as amazing and wonderful, and these are the same two women that he let disrespect me in their messages to him, and with whom he did not seem to have any boundaries and was very sexually flirtatious with. He made his choice and he chose his friends and their mutual lifestyle choices, which were not for me - I have to remember that what I saw was so hurtful, I got up, walked out of the house, and broke up with him over it.

 

 

It IS sad, but there is a sense that I have somehow "cut" the cord attached to him, and have let him go for real. I know I will still miss him and be sad, and that some days will be better than others, but now my days are really about recovery and what I am doing to take care of myself so that I can be open to meeting someone else.

[thekid36]

Thank you so much! You are absolutely right - and I had a bit of an epiphany yesterday about it - my ex made very clear in his message that he was holding up his friends as amazing and wonderful, and these are the same two women that he let disrespect me in their messages to him, and with whom he did not seem to have any boundaries and was very sexually flirtatious with. He made his choice and he chose his friends and their mutual lifestyle choices, which were not for me - I have to remember that what I saw was so hurtful, I got up, walked out of the house, and broke up with him over it.

 

 

It IS sad, but there is a sense that I have somehow "cut" the cord attached to him, and have let him go for real. I know I will still miss him and be sad, and that some days will be better than others, but now my days are really about recovery and what I am doing to take care of myself so that I can be open to meeting someone else.

 

 

Disrespect is something which should not be tolerated within any kind of contact at all. Let alone inside of a healthy relationship. His choices have consequences. He is going to have to accept this on his end.

 

 

On that end, you now need to think about your own best interests. Which seem to have revolved around him for awhile. You have tried to be the best partner possible. This is what will make you such a good one going forward.

 

 

There are going to most likely be mornings of sadness. Afternoons of acute loneliness. Nights in which you question your decision. All of which are completely normal. Moments which are all part of the healing process.

 

 

Do not feel like you have to rush into the next relationship. You are a creative and intelligent soul all by yourself with so much to offer to the right person. Someone interesting is bound to see that and completely cherish you. Don't settle for any less than you happen to deserve.

[leoc1973]

When I started reading your story I have to admit that it sounds so so much like my last relationship.

 

I have to ask... looking back now do you think your friends got into your head about this guy? In this economy no matter who you are or what your financial situation is there is a chance of things going bad and losing everything. Getting in huge debt and having your life fall apart. He knew his situation and I don't think he needed you harping on it all the time. He built his own business so at one point in his life he was absolutely not a loser. He probably had huge amounts of stress and you were adding to it. I have been there and its daunting when you feel trapped and have no one to turn to.

 

When a guy is with someone he loves and has big problems he needs to be able to lean on his woman and it seems like it got to the point where he couldn't talk to you anymore because you were judging him.

 

That being said.. I had never ever even looked at another woman than my ex. Not even flirted because to me she was the only woman in the world. So instead of focusing on all the other stuff there should be only one thing to focus on and that is can you trust him? Because everyone knows that trust is all that matters.

[artsygirl78]

When I started reading your story I have to admit that it sounds so so much like my last relationship.

 

I have to ask... looking back now do you think your friends got into your head about this guy? In this economy no matter who you are or what your financial situation is there is a chance of things going bad and losing everything. Getting in huge debt and having your life fall apart. He knew his situation and I don't think he needed you harping on it all the time. He built his own business so at one point in his life he was absolutely not a loser. He probably had huge amounts of stress and you were adding to it. I have been there and its daunting when you feel trapped and have no one to turn to.

 

When a guy is with someone he loves and has big problems he needs to be able to lean on his woman and it seems like it got to the point where he couldn't talk to you anymore because you were judging him.

 

That being said.. I had never ever even looked at another woman than my ex. Not even flirted because to me she was the only woman in the world. So instead of focusing on all the other stuff there should be only one thing to focus on and that is can you trust him? Because everyone knows that trust is all that matters.

 

 

Hi, Leo!!

 

I am so glad you wrote, because I think weirdly enough my situation might help shed some light on your own, and maybe help you heal from it. In my specific situation, what was difficult, was that my ex sort of cornered me into a box - I actually never harped on him or said a negative word to him about his business difficulties - I offered to help him, I told him I was there to talk about it, I told him I would help him as an executive assistant in the office for no pay, I tried introducing him to other people in the business world that might be interested in becoming his clients, I paid for a lot of things when we went out because I was worried about him not having enough money to take care of himself, I always tried being loving and supportive, but it was this really weird situation where no matter what I did, it was the wrong thing. I was sort of damned if I did, damned if I didn't. He would tell me he didn't want to talk about work with me because it stressed him out more, he told me he didn't want my help, any positive suggestion or potential open door was shot down with a reason why it would never work. It was like I was watching him sort of be addicted to a chaotic, negative life, where he was playing out being the victim all the time, but in the end was not really interested in changing his situation, on some level he liked it just the way that it was. According to him, no one ever offered to help him, everybody was out to screw him, no one could be trusted and his life would never be as good as he had it when he was 26. But he wouldn't grab on to the life raft offered to him by me or anyone else, he was choosing to drown. A friend offered him a high paying job in my city, and he didn't take it, but him being ambivalent about it was somehow made out to be because of me, he actually told me it was my fault that he wasn't sure about taking the job. But yet, with that attitude about life, he wanted to get me pregnant this summer, and harped on me that he wanted four children, not the two, which was what I thought I could realistically handle at this age. It was like he had this script in his head that did not have to do with the reality of his life, and I was this "womb" that was just part of the master plan - I didn't feel like I had an equal partner who wanted to share a vision of life together.

 

So - ALL of that said, I completely agree with you!! It sounds like you were in a situation where through some really tough times, as happens in everyone's life, your ex was not there for you, and instead of holding your hand, being your rock of support as well as the soft place where you could fall and be vulnerable with, they judged you and harped on you, and I am really, really sorry you went through that. I am a big believer in the "for better or worse" part of a partnership, and what makes couples stronger is how they hold hands together while facing out to the world, working as a team and having a vision for the life they want to create with one another, as well as taking turns being "the strong one". And you will find that lady!!

[artsygirl78]

Hi All - It has been 2 months since my breakup with my ex, and I have been on NC for a month. Still missing him, some days are better than others, but he is in the back of my mind every day. I have not felt the need to look at his fb page or that of any of our mutual friends, and I am also letting guys take me out on dates, so I feel myself getting stronger.

 

I am in a bit of an awkward situation. The relationship was long distance, and there is something he has that was given to me as an EXTREMELY generous gift - it is a signed autograph from a very famous singer, it was given to me by a fan after a concert I performed in. Really, beyond generous and very personal. I was the last to contact my ex a month ago and I never heard back from him, so even though I started as the dumper (full story on an older thread) I ended up the dumpee. I don't feel good about contacting him, I am a little nervous, but I don't want to drag it out - I want to get my belongings back and be done so that there is no reason to ever contact again. I do have a close friend who is willing to go pick up the item for me, she lives close to his town, so I have a third party. I just am not sure how to handle this - do it now and get it over with, or wait until I am really in a place where I could care less what he thinks (this could be a LONG time from now and I don't want to lose this precious item). Also, would it make me look immature if I have someone else contact him on my behalf, thus avoiding contact all together? We are all adults here but I just don't want to be set back in my healing.

[Elle1975]

I'd just send him an email. Ask him when would be a good time to pick up the said item. Just keep it short. No "how are you" and that kind of stuff.

 

Since you intent isn't to try and give it another go, I don't see the problem with it.

[CarrieT]

Find a mutual friend to get the item back for you if it is that important. Don't do it yourself.

[d0nnivain]

Ordering the "affairs" of your breakup re-exchanging the stuff, paying any final bills if you lived together etc. is an exception to NC. Reach out politely to arrange a convenient time for your friend to get the stuff from your EX. If the stuff is genuinely valuable, I think it's OK to reach out to a close friend or family member of his if he doesn't respond in a timely manner.

 

 

Be prepared though. Even though the autographed picture is meaningful to you, after 2 months he may have already disposed of it. For your sake I hope not.