My recent break up ramblings :(

[FredJones80]

Hi LS,

 

First post here, have been reading over this forum for the past few days and it really has helped, knowing I'm not the only one in this situation, some of the stories even make me smile a little because of either similarities or stupid stories some people write.

 

My ten year relationship came to an end 3 weeks ago. Being devastated doesn't even begin to describe how I feel. The first 3-5 days I was fine, thought it wasn't so bad, then it hit me, looking at old photos, crying, really down, then I felt ok a few days later, still upset but less so. Waking up at stupid hours like 2am and not being able to sleep again, really feeling tired and run down.

 

Then the last few days I felt OK up until yesterday when it all started hitting me again, now I feel just as bad.

 

For the first two weeks I had reduced contact, trying to go as many days as possible without a little text message. A week ago (after reading the NC guide here, which I wish I had found sooner) I decided to write one last message explaining how I feel and how I didn't want this, some areas where I feel I could of done better, said she could reply or not reply as she feels fit, sent it and for the past 7 days have had NC at all, perhaps why its starting to get hard now because for the majority of the 10 years this is the longest time I have ever gone without talking to her.

 

I've now deleted her phone number and removed my social media accounts as per the NC guide.

 

The problem is (and I've read here it does happen) I never really got a specific reason why she wanted to end it, she even seem confused herself, I thought she might of been depressed and she even told me she couldn't let me go without trying to find out what was wrong with her, she wasn't depressed though because she hadn't lost interest in other things. Her mind seem confused, even in the week before I moved out we seemed close, not physically but got on well, no arguing, I was upset and we cuddled, she said her head felt like there was so much stuff buzzing around in it and she was confused. All I know for certain is she told me she was unhappy, unhappy with me I/she didn't know, but unhappy none the less.

 

While apart in the first week of reduced contact she said she loves me, always has and always will. She will also miss me always because I was a part of her life for so long.

 

I struggle because she was 1) basically my first real love, 2) the length of time we've been together and 3) we lived together for so long everything I own or everything that I see reminds me of her. Even shopping or songs, there isn't anywhere I can go that doesn't trigger my mind some how because of the length of time we were together.

 

I don't want her to be unhappy and if our relationship was making her unhappy then that is the last thing I want, I just wish I knew what exactly and maybe there would of been some hope to rectify it, money was always tough, was it the way we lived, something we did or didn't do enough? I really don't know and this is the hardest part, I have to let go of something so precious to me without really understanding the reason behind it and I think, if we had talked to find out the reason could we have changed it?

 

I kind of know deep down that this really is it, I'm hoping for the "i made a mistake" blah blah message, but even then it would take a lot of work to rebuild... I know however that this message isn't coming, she is very strong minded and when she makes a decision she rarely changes even when she then realises she is wrong.

 

When I left I made sure I left her in the best possible position, all the joint things we owned, she needed them more than me, I have a family support network, she doesn't, its the only comfort I can take in that I did my best for her when possible.

 

Now I question myself and the situations in the relationship that I could of done better, question times where I could of responded better, how would things of turned out if I had done XYZ instead of ABC? I wasn't a bad partner, I always treated her as best as I could, but no one is perfect and I've made plenty of small mistakes. She also isn't perfect and there are things she could of done better, but my mind is needing to resolve my own mistakes because I am responsible for me and it isn't for me to point out her down falls, after all, its the little things good and bad that are what I love about her.

 

Money was always very tight and we were just about to get to a stage where we would of been quite better off, things have always been a struggle up to this point. I moved to her location to be with her all those years ago and I have no bonds aside from her to stay there so now I've had to move back to the area I'm originally from, I have my parents, but no friends as I left all that behind, I work from home so there is no reason to meet people at work and is one reason I'm reaching out to all you LS people.

 

I want her to be happy and although it makes me feel sick to the stomach thinking of her with someone else then if someone can bring that to her life then I suppose it is for the best. She has had a very tough life and a lot of her "ways" have been carved by terrible situations which made her the person she is today, she deserves no more pain and my fear is only she might meet someone else who doesn't treat her right. I wish I was still with her...

 

I know I can't change her mind, I hope she does, she is someone who takes a long, long, long time to think through things, pestering her never works in any situation but I know deep down this is probably "it" - although it doesn't make it any easier to sink in to my head. Even if she did change her mind (which is me clutching at straws) - if it has come to this once then how can it ever last in the future.

 

Its funny because a week before I left we had already booked to do something, we couldn't go for one reason or another so she asked if we could move it to another week... I reminded her I wouldn't be here and she replied with a sad "oh, yeah" - I know she is confused, perhaps she knows it has come to an end for her but she didn't want it to, I don't know, i'm confused myself. She was as upset about me leaving as I was.

 

Lastly. and I would like your advice, while together a monthly contract was taken out for a specific service for her, she is pretty bad with keeping money back for things like this so I said I would keep it and transfer it every month. She agreed. There are 18 months left and I feel that is just going to be added pain each month for me doing that once per month as it will be a constant reminder. I did say I would do it and I would feel bad to go back on my word, I think just sending her all the money for it now would be better but is that breaking my 7 day NC? When you love and care for someone so much and you know it will be best for them for you to do it, do I sacrifice my own feelings to do something for her or assume the, "she wanted to end it" so it is none of my business now?

 

I miss my life, I miss my best friend, I miss my companion but most of all I miss her...

[Beechy1973]

Hi Jones

 

I do feel for you bud and it sounds like you are acting dignified and kind, which is to your credit.

 

It sounds like there may be another man in her life, and while you will not like entertaining this thought one bit, you may find in the weeks to come that it is true.

 

As I think I posted to you in a separate thread, read the 180 approach and parts of it may be enlightening.

 

It's likely things will get nastier though so be prepared. These things tend to be predictable. Women have a habit of rewriting the history of the relationship to suit their own needs and to expunge any guilty and wrongdoings. For me, this was maybe the hardest thing to handle as it was absolutely infuriating and exasperating.

 

It is very gallant of you to agree to continue paying her debt, but my advice is to NOT do this. As the saying goes, "she has made her bed ..."

 

Keep strong and remember that things happen for a reason, and maybe you needed to part in order to meet another special person and grow into your full potential.

 

Keep in touch. LS really is superb and I really wish I discovered it 3 years ago when my world was pulled from under my feet.

[Elle1975]

I would look at it from another point of you. It might be the chance for you to start over and do better. You say money is tight, have you thought about going back to college and earn more money down the line?

 

No contact I find helps me a lot, if not I know I would be making a fool of myself (today is a bad day for me too). I wish I could give you a magic trick but there's none. Or maybe there's one.. concentrate on bettering what you think you could have done better in your life. Being single is most likely going to last a while as you don't get over 10 years with someone in a matter of a couple months. I really think you need to see it as an opportunity.

 

Sadness, anger, hopelessness and helplessness, all those emotions can actually be fuel if we decide to use them as such.

[FredJones80]

It sounds like there may be another man in her life, and while you will not like entertaining this thought one bit, you may find in the weeks to come that it is true.

 

I know this may be the instant reaction and you may even think I'm kidding myself but every situation is different. She pretty much matched my emotions before we split, not eating, not sleeping properly. Yes, I could be totally wrong and your right, but you have to know someone and their past I think before you can second guess their moves, as I said - I could be wrong.

 

Either way, it won't effect me because I'll never know, I don't intend to start social media snooping, what I don't know, won't harm me. I can stay safe in my own (deluded) version of events.

 

It is very gallant of you to agree to continue paying her debt, but my advice is to NOT do this. As the saying goes, "she has made her bed ..."

 

Well, it wasn't me paying it per se, paying it from joint money. I feel returning all the money will be the best bet though, without contact.

[FredJones80]

I would look at it from another point of you. It might be the chance for you to start over and do better. You say money is tight, have you thought about going back to college and earn more money down the line?

 

Money was tight for a number of reasons, not really down to poor life choices, just because of the situation, there was more involved that I don't wish to divuldge here, but being apart will put me (and her possibly) in a better financial position.

 

The hardest part is losing someone you love and also starting a fresh life when you have no idea of who you are, what you want and now where you are going

 

Depressing.

[FredJones80]

As I think I posted to you in a separate thread, read the 180 approach and parts of it may be enlightening.

 

Thanks BTW Beechy, btw, is this what you're on about :-

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/314882-180

 

?

 

I'm not sure how I can relate that to my situation as I'm in total NC now and have deleted all possible means of contact. Obviously she could contact me via my number, but I intend to ignore breadcrumbs.

[Beechy1973]

Apologies - I you have moved away and have no plans to see her again then you're correct the the 180 isn't relevant.

 

I can empathise and sympathise with your comment that you now have to revisit and develop your identity. When I split after 20 years I really didn't know who I was and felt alone, isolated and I'm not ashamed to say, scared, with the immense blank canvas laid out in front of me.

 

I also had the added complication of having to see the ex with fair regularity when picking up my children. I still remember the delights of her dropping them off with me while she was driving to see her new man, all dolled up and smug, of seeing the love bite on her neck after a one-night stand (and telling me that 'everyone did it'), the 'I swear on the children's life I haven't slept with him" (which she later admitted was a lie) and the complete absence of any remorse, compassion or empathy. Felt like I'd married a monster.

 

Being single is good for helping you develop your identity. Once you get the grieving out of the way, your eyes will be opened and in a year or two you will look back and smile and realise it all happened for a good reason.

[FredJones80]

Thanks Beechy.

 

Its pretty depressing, firstly because I've lost someone I love and would of liked to have stayed with.

 

Secondly I'm questioning a lot about my relationship and those possible in the future. I'm kind of partly blaming myself for maybe not putting enough effort in to the relationship, the daily grind gets in the way of everything, if I stopped making as much effort am I to blame for this ending?

 

I guess if you take your foot off the gas things grind to a halt, but is that 100% down to me, or should it take both sides to make things work?

 

The sad thing is I never saw this coming before it was too late and now I'm seriously sad about that, perhaps there was something I could of done if noticed earlier

[Beechy1973]

It's inevitable you will soul search and look to blame yourself. It's natural to any decent person and sounds like you are a very decent guy judging by your posts.

 

In a long term relationship there is always some complacency; that's natural so don't give yourself a hard time about it.

 

With hindsight there's always things we could and would have done differently, and this learning we can take into future relationships.

 

It takes two to tango and your ex will have done things wrong too, but it's also natural that you will currently have her on a pedestal and be gazing through those rose tints because you miss her, so that will colour your perspective.

 

The best advice to is to feel and grieve and not store it up for later. Never go around the pain - always go through it. Don't be surprised if it takes you a long time to feel like you again and expect ups an downs.

[FredJones80]

It's inevitable you will soul search and look to blame yourself. It's natural to any decent person and sounds like you are a very decent guy judging by your posts.

 

In a long term relationship there is always some complacency; that's natural so don't give yourself a hard time about it.

 

With hindsight there's always things we could and would have done differently, and this learning we can take into future relationships.

 

It takes two to tango and your ex will have done things wrong too, but it's also natural that you will currently have her on a pedestal and be gazing through those rose tints because you miss her, so that will colour your perspective.

 

The best advice to is to feel and grieve and not store it up for later. Never go around the pain - always go through it. Don't be surprised if it takes you a long time to feel like you again and expect ups an downs.

 

Yeah, I do understand she had her failures too, its not like I'm totally blaming myself, its just so sad that I/her or whatever went wrong. I feel sad for both of us to be honest... Guess I'm just on a downer.

 

Thanks for your replies too!

[sooshi]

Fred, I'm sorry you're going through this. It must be so hard. Unfortunately, many of us never really know why our partner left us... or even if they give an answer, we're still filled with more questions, and wishes that we could have done something differently, etc. It gets to become a rather vicious cycle. But it also appears to be a normal part of the grieving/healing process as well.

 

You sound like you're doing really well. You've handled this really maturely, and it's obvious that you care about this woman very much. Now it's time to take that love and give it to yourself.

[FredJones80]

Fred, I'm sorry you're going through this. It must be so hard. Unfortunately, many of us never really know why our partner left us... or even if they give an answer, we're still filled with more questions, and wishes that we could have done something differently, etc. It gets to become a rather vicious cycle. But it also appears to be a normal part of the grieving/healing process as well.

 

You sound like you're doing really well. You've handled this really maturely, and it's obvious that you care about this woman very much. Now it's time to take that love and give it to yourself.

 

Thanks Sooshi, my respect for myself is all I have left. No matter the many reasons she could of ended it both good or bad (i'll never know) I will think of her positively and wish her well.. I'll also judge myself and my standards and not that of others.

 

This has changed me a lot, I don't really know what I know anymore, all I know is I have to go on. I appreciate your support, thank you.

 

This still sucks though!

[giblesp]

She has to sort the money thing out herself. A tie like that could also give you false hopes, I'm sorry to say.

Its very confusing to hear that she loves you, yet can't be with you. To be honest it sounds like she doesn't know herself and what she wants.

 

Its a very hard thing in a mans life, when the woman you love and have shared so much with tells you its over. Its not going to be an easy path to recovery. It took me sometime to get over my divorce.

 

The best thing I found, was to really keep myself occupied with work, self development. Feel free to enjoy the company of women as well, but maybe go easy in that department, right now hooking up with someone might not be the best thing. Not yet anyway But yeah, there are so many beautiful women out there, something to look forward to

[FredJones80]

Its very confusing to hear that she loves you, yet can't be with you. To be honest it sounds like she doesn't know herself and what she wants.

 

This is true, I get the feeling she didn't want this to happen but felt there was no other way out and confused about her own feelings.

 

I've been doing a lot of reading about long term relationships/marriages and how quite a lot lose their spark and some even become sexless because of this. It wasn't sexless for us, but complacency had definitely settled in. After so many years of doing the same or similar things there needs to be some sort of change or excitement.

 

I read that eating a nice steak is great, but eating it all the time for 8 years would become boring and I guess this rings true.

 

I'm not certain but I'm guessing either people realise earlier and make an effort to bring that spark back, they split up because they don't understand what's going on or they cheat because they need that sexual connection that may of been lacking (I don't advocate cheating of course)

 

What upsets me the most is the possible chance that this could of been saved had I/we been aware of this, perhaps it couldn't, but this thought is now nagging me Seems such a shame to throw away such a long relationship just because of being unaware of the biological nature of things and the complacency that can kill an otherwise healthly relationship.

 

Perhaps I'm just clutching at straws, but I've read a lot since.

[arrcee1138]

Hey Fred,

 

Sorry to hear you're going through this. I am in the same boat, my ex left me after 12 years on new years day. We tried to make it work again through counselling but it didn't really help (bad idea on my part, she already had one foot out the door so it didn't really matter).

 

I haven't spoken to her since the beginning of February (The longest stretch of time we haven't spoken). I deleted her, her family and anyone we mutually know from Facebook as I wanted to remain ignorant of what is happening in her life (similar to your "what I don't know can't harm me deal"). Ever since February I also blocked her phone number to kill all hope and to help me move on.

 

What I find helps is just surround yourself with Family and whenever someone invites you somewhere just say yes, regardless if you don't feel like doing anything. Also working out helps as well.

 

Anyways we are all in this together buddy hang tight.

[FredJones80]

Thanks for taking the time to post arrcee1138, your story helps

[FredJones80]

Lastly. and I would like your advice, while together a monthly contract was taken out for a specific service for her, she is pretty bad with keeping money back for things like this so I said I would keep it and transfer it every month. She agreed. There are 18 months left and I feel that is just going to be added pain each month for me doing that once per month as it will be a constant reminder. I did say I would do it and I would feel bad to go back on my word, I think just sending her all the money for it now would be better but is that breaking my 7 day NC? When you love and care for someone so much and you know it will be best for them for you to do it, do I sacrifice my own feelings to do something for her or assume the, "she wanted to end it" so it is none of my business now?

 

Just an update on this. I made a final payment two days ago, a few days earlier than originally agreed, the day after I got a text message asking what it was for. Not sure if this was just a breadcrumb, seemed a bit odd to ask when it should of been obvious, anyway, I didn't reply - I felt really guilty about that but..

 

I've also now sent back the remainder of the money for this thing, so that's it, no more for me to do monthly.

 

This sucks.

 

Just thought I'd update you

[Beechy1973]

Well done. Things WILL get easier. At times you think they won't but trust me.