somegoodman Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 A couple months ago my girlfriend had an abortion. It was our second abortion. Our relationship was very solid and strong before this incident, and she was very much in love, or at least she said she was. But after the abortion, it was like a light went off in her and I was nothing. It started with her gradually lessening communication with me. When I confronted her about it, she told me that she was depressed. I took her at her word and let her be for some time. After some days of no contact, she would talk to me again, and for a little bit it seemed like she was back to herself. We met for lunch and she made it clear that we were still a couple. But immediately following that, she continued to ignore my calls and messages, making excuses that she was "out with her family". After not hearing from her for a while, she reached out to ask me to look after her dog for a week while she went away to "get help". I agreed to this and didn't press for answers about where she was going, and she didn't tell me. When she returned, she started to talk to me a little again, but it was only when she needed a favor or help with her dog. Then one day she asked me to give her a ride to her new job, and I of course agreed to. What happened during that ride, which was only a couple of days ago, has haunted me in the worst way. She immediately started talking about how she was planning to move out of state and couldn't wait to get away. She just kept going on and on as if our relationship had never existed, like she was just saying whatever she could to hurt me and make me feel worthless. I kept my cool and just replied that the last two months had been painful for me and it seemed like she didn't care. To which she very coldly responded that I never seemed this bothered by it before and that I would be fine without her. The last communication I had with her was a bit embarrassing for me: I sent her a text asking why she was doing this, that I didn't understand. She didn't respond and I finally let anger get the better of me and told her to go to hell. That was the last I spoke to her. I've been doing some reading on the effects of abortion and I understand that this might have a lot to do with how she is treating me. But at the same time I just can't account for all the secrecy and backpedalling. She's been jerking me around for so long and in the most cruel and thoughtless manner. There is such a stark change in her behavior and attitude toward me that I'm sort of in denial about the current situation. I know that she's effectively ended the relationship, but part of me feels like I should be offering my help, as much as she doesn't want it. Then I think about the way she's treated me and I just start to hate her. At least this has helped me stay out of contact for the past couple of days. I guess I just don't know how to proceed from here. Is there any saving this? I do love her, I want her to get better if she's in pain. I'm so frustrated and confused and there is so little information out there about this supposed "post abortion stress syndrome". Am I in denial and just making excuses for her behavior? Could she just not love me anymore, just like that? Perhaps she found someone else? Any advice would be so much appreciated.
Chi townD Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 Weird in a lot of ways with abortions. It takes two to tango, yet when the decision is made to abort and it happens. A lot of women resent the men for "making" them get the abortion in the first place. Now, obviously guys can NEVER make a woman do what they don't want to do. But, their hormones are out of wack and they need to blame someone. So, seeing you is a constant reminder of what she did and what she gave up. A lot of relationships rarely ever survive an abortion.
Author somegoodman Posted March 11, 2014 Author Posted March 11, 2014 So, seeing you is a constant reminder of what she did and what she gave up. A lot of relationships rarely ever survive an abortion. So there's really nothing I can do then? Just stay away and deal with it? 1
somecamel Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 I'm more concerned that this was your 2nd abortion... What happened? 3
Author somegoodman Posted March 11, 2014 Author Posted March 11, 2014 I'm more concerned that this was your 2nd abortion... What happened? It was an accident. I told her that I would support her whatever her decision, and we ultimately decided that we didn't have the means to raise a child at this time.
eotdevice Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 Maybe that is part and parcel to the issue. The two of you don't have the means to raise a child. Does she want a child? What are your ages? Two abortions...were both accidental pregnancies? Maybe she see that your relationship has stagnated and she needs to move on. The treatment she is giving you seems to suggest that. 1
Chi townD Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 I kinda agree. By now, you two should have two children and living together as a family. She may view this as your relationship is stagnant and not going anywhere. Never changing. And the ones suffering is her, her body and the children you might have had together. (at least this might be what she's thinking) I think it would be wise for you to seek individual counseling to help you deal with the losses that have happened. 2
somecamel Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 It was an accident. I told her that I would support her whatever her decision, and we ultimately decided that we didn't have the means to raise a child at this time. I'm not judging you, was just trying to work out the reasons. I would imagine going through one abortion was hard enough, the 2nd time around must have really mucked up her head. Why were you not using contraception? 1
Author somegoodman Posted March 11, 2014 Author Posted March 11, 2014 I'm not judging you, was just trying to work out the reasons. I would imagine going through one abortion was hard enough, the 2nd time around must have really mucked up her head. Why were you not using contraception? We were most of the time, like I said, it was really an accident. Its funny, I've tried to seek help on this issue in many different places and it always results in the topic being diverted back to the abortion itself, making me feel even worse lol. I know its not anybody's fault but my own, I guess really am alone in this.
somecamel Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 We were most of the time, like I said, it was really an accident. Its funny, I've tried to seek help on this issue in many different places and it always results in the topic being diverted back to the abortion itself, making me feel even worse lol. I know its not anybody's fault but my own, I guess really am alone in this. By asking questions I'm getting more information out of you and that helps to build the picture of what's going on in your life. Obviously the abortion seems to have been a major issue in your relationship, was it any better after the first abortion? By talking about why things happened, hopefully it will help you realise where you went wrong, move onto someone new and don't make the same mistakes.
Author somegoodman Posted March 11, 2014 Author Posted March 11, 2014 All I can suggest is, your getting angry at her was the worst thing you could have done and you need to make amends for that. The choice she had to make was a very difficult one, and each one is a different effect on her mind and body. I'm sure she does relate you to a relationship that is out of control with no boundaries. I know I did this was my ex husband and I'm sure I lost some respect for him along with the massive amount I lost for myself. All that can heal her now is time. You can try to be supportive but she needs time. It took me a couple of years to feel ok again to where I wasn't thinking about it everyday and feeling shame and guilt. I didn't even want to have sex again and hated it when he did. I just thought, how could you even think about sex again? QUOTE] I'm sorry, but after so many attempts to help her, be there for her, and just acquiesce to her wishes whatever they may be, only to be treated like utter dog**** and then DELIBERATELY made to feel hurt...I think I was justified in getting angry with her. I understand that she's going through a tough time, but it is just basic human decency to communicate with someone you've shared so much and been so intimate with.
somecamel Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 All I can suggest is, your getting angry at her was the worst thing you could have done and you need to make amends for that. The choice she had to make was a very difficult one, and each one is a different effect on her mind and body. I'm sure she does relate you to a relationship that is out of control with no boundaries. I know I did this was my ex husband and I'm sure I lost some respect for him along with the massive amount I lost for myself. All that can heal her now is time. You can try to be supportive but she needs time. It took me a couple of years to feel ok again to where I wasn't thinking about it everyday and feeling shame and guilt. I didn't even want to have sex again and hated it when he did. I just thought, how could you even think about sex again? QUOTE] I'm sorry, but after so many attempts to help her, be there for her, and just acquiesce to her wishes whatever they may be, only to be treated like utter dog**** and then DELIBERATELY made to feel hurt...I think I was justified in getting angry with her. I understand that she's going through a tough time, but it is just basic human decency to communicate with someone you've shared so much and been so intimate with. Are you looking for advice or are you giving us advice? I think you have some of your own issues that you may need to face. Have you considered some counselling? How did the abortions affect you?
KaliLove Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 I've had two with the same man as well (first was an accident, second was failed birth control..beware..it doesn't always work!). He was the one who pulled away from me after that. I was hormonal and miserable and practically suicidal and he abandoned me after promising me he'd marry me if I had the second abortion. I can tell you that it really does affect your hormones in a horrible, horrible way. I had post partum depression after the second one and I was more miserable than I've ever been in my entire life. OP, I get that you're hurt but you have to try to understand where she's coming from. Maybe she needs to make a big change. Maybe she's just running from her problems. Maybe she's going through what I went through. I don't know, but I do know that you need to cut her a helluva lot of slack right now. 2
Author somegoodman Posted March 15, 2014 Author Posted March 15, 2014 Maybe she needs to make a big change. Maybe she's just running from her problems. Maybe she's going through what I went through. I don't know, but I do know that you need to cut her a helluva lot of slack right now. Thank you. I've sent her a final message in the hopes of keeping the door open. "Hey, sorry I told you to go to hell. I do understand why you have to go your own way. If you ever feel like opening up to me, don't be afraid to, you don't have to be in control." That was yesterday and she never responded. Time to accept its over. Its a hell of a feeling to have someone that loved you to bits shut you out of their life with cold efficiency. I don't even know how to describe what I'm feeling, and not knowing how she feels... Its like I'm not even in pain anymore but just totally numb. Can't feel anything.
TAV Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 We were most of the time, like I said, it was really an accident. Its funny, I've tried to seek help on this issue in many different places and it always results in the topic being diverted back to the abortion itself, making me feel even worse lol. I know its not anybody's fault but my own, I guess really am alone in this. 'We were most of the time?' Did you go with her to have the 1st abortion? Did you see what it did to her? If you did, why did you not do all that you could to prevent this from happening again, also knowing that you did not have the means to provide for a kid? She should have refused to have sex with you unless there had been taken precautions and you should have made sure she was safe and that she never had to go through this again. You won't recover from this; she will always fear getting another unwanted pregnancy which kinda takes the fun out of sex and any plans she had for your future are now tainted with all this negativity. Leave her alone to deal with things and let her start afresh with someone new. 1
Author somegoodman Posted March 15, 2014 Author Posted March 15, 2014 'We were most of the time?' Did you go with her to have the 1st abortion? Did you see what it did to her? If you did, why did you not do all that you could to prevent this from happening again, also knowing that you did not have the means to provide for a kid? She should have refused to have sex with you unless there had been taken precautions and you should have made sure she was safe and that she never had to go through this again. You won't recover from this; she will always fear getting another unwanted pregnancy which kinda takes the fun out of sex and any plans she had for your future are now tainted with all this negativity. Leave her alone to deal with things and let her start afresh with someone new. What the hell are you talking about? She was fine after the first abortion, in fact our relationship took off even more. When she was pregnant the second time I told her that I would support her no matter what she chose to do. She chose to have an abortion.
TAV Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 What the hell are you talking about? She was fine after the first abortion, in fact our relationship took off even more. When she was pregnant the second time I told her that I would support her no matter what she chose to do. She chose to have an abortion. No woman is 'fine' after an abortion or losing a pregnancy in any other way. And you are not taking any responsibility that she had to go through one in the first place. Why do you think she remarked the following? ' I kept my cool and just replied that the last two months had been painful for me and it seemed like she didn't care. To which she very coldly responded that I never seemed this bothered by it before and that I would be fine without her.' And you offered to support her having a baby while she knew you had nothing. She did not really have a choice. Next time you decide to hop into bed with a girl and not use contraceptives make sure you are ready to be a daddy too.
Author somegoodman Posted March 15, 2014 Author Posted March 15, 2014 No woman is 'fine' after an abortion or losing a pregnancy in any other way. And you are not taking any responsibility that she had to go through one in the first place. Why do you think she remarked the following? ' I kept my cool and just replied that the last two months had been painful for me and it seemed like she didn't care. To which she very coldly responded that I never seemed this bothered by it before and that I would be fine without her.' And you offered to support her having a baby while she knew you had nothing. She did not really have a choice. Next time you decide to hop into bed with a girl and not use contraceptives make sure you are ready to be a daddy too. Well, I was using contraceptives, but whatever...its over now. She won't even talk to me. 1
KaliLove Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 Well, I was using contraceptives, but whatever...its over now. She won't even talk to me. I'm very glad you apologized to her. She needs space. Maybe for a while, and maybe for good. In the meantime, you have offered her your support if she wants it, and you should work on moving on. She wasn't fine after the first abortion. I guarantee it. She hid her feelings from you because she didn't want to hurt you or make you feel bad in any way. She probably hid her feelings from herself too. Nobody is fine after that. Nobody. 2
Author somegoodman Posted March 23, 2014 Author Posted March 23, 2014 In regards to this situation: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/466005-can-anybody-tell-me-what-s-really-going-here Short of it is that my ex-girlfriend had an abortion a few months back. Following that she became uncharacteristically cold and distant and then eventually shut me out completely. My last few attempts to reach her have been entirely ignored. It is obvious that my only recourse is to let go and move on...but the questions are eating away at my brain. I can't focus on anything because I cannot shake this uncertainty. If she would just flat out tell me something, even that she has met someone else and she doesn't want anything to do with me...but I only get silence. How can I let go of the unknown? How do I stop analyzing it, contemplating it, when my mind refuses to give up?
Jay77098 Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 This is a very tough situation to be in, so let me say I feel for you. But one thing that has become clear to me after my bad breakups (where I felt just like you...searching and searching and searching for answers) is that you will NEVER get the answers. I know this is a cold, hard slap in the face but you have to accept this or you...will...drive...yourself...crazy. I'm not kidding, and I know whereof I speak. I searched for answers for the longest time after some of my BUs, but they never came. And I basically lost my mind in the process. The best answer is to get your mind engaged in something else. Note I said "best", not "good". Start working out, get together with friends, learn to play guitar, ANYTHING but sitting around stuck inside your own head. I wish you good luck. You are not alone in feeling like this. Just do the best you can to let go, find something else in your life that is positive and fulfilling. 3
Author somegoodman Posted March 23, 2014 Author Posted March 23, 2014 "The best answer is to get your mind engaged in something else. Note I said "best", not "good". Start working out, get together with friends, learn to play guitar, ANYTHING but sitting around stuck inside your own head." Instinctively I know this is the best solution. It's just so difficult, dare I say even impossible at this point. Maybe I just need to find the right "thing" to engage my mind with, whatever that may be.
BC1980 Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 In regards to this situation: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/466005-can-anybody-tell-me-what-s-really-going-here Short of it is that my ex-girlfriend had an abortion a few months back. Following that she became uncharacteristically cold and distant and then eventually shut me out completely. My last few attempts to reach her have been entirely ignored. It is obvious that my only recourse is to let go and move on...but the questions are eating away at my brain. I can't focus on anything because I cannot shake this uncertainty. If she would just flat out tell me something, even that she has met someone else and she doesn't want anything to do with me...but I only get silence. How can I let go of the unknown? How do I stop analyzing it, contemplating it, when my mind refuses to give up? I remember your initial thread. Unfortunately, you may never get all the answers or even any answers. I've had to deal with this myself and so have many others. I wracked my brain over why my ex suddenly left. I would constantly analyze it and come up with all sorts of reasons. It was really exhausting. I broke NC a few times in an attempt to gain some clarity, which never held. I would think I had a handle on things, but I would soon devolve into the endless need for answers. In short, you must come to a place where you accept what happened and close the book. You will simply never get all the answers you are looking for. You can construe what happened a million ways, but it won't be fulfilling. Your ex won't even be able to give you the answers you are looking for. I got so many different reasons for my breakup. The bottom line is that it's over, and you have to close that chapter. 2
Jay77098 Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 "The best answer is to get your mind engaged in something else. Note I said "best", not "good". Start working out, get together with friends, learn to play guitar, ANYTHING but sitting around stuck inside your own head." Instinctively I know this is the best solution. It's just so difficult, dare I say even impossible at this point. Maybe I just need to find the right "thing" to engage my mind with, whatever that may be. I know it's hard to find something to try. I had no idea what to do with myself one particularly difficult, answerless BU. I obviously don't know your financial situation, but if you can afford to go see a therapist, I highly recommend it. A therapist can help you work through your pain and can also help you with ideas to engage your mind in other things. I wish you good luck!
BC1980 Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 "The best answer is to get your mind engaged in something else. Note I said "best", not "good". Start working out, get together with friends, learn to play guitar, ANYTHING but sitting around stuck inside your own head." Instinctively I know this is the best solution. It's just so difficult, dare I say even impossible at this point. Maybe I just need to find the right "thing" to engage my mind with, whatever that may be. I feel you, and I was exactly where you are for so many months. I just couldn't stop the analyzing, and part of that is feeling that if you can understand it, you can somehow fix it and put it back together. Part of it is just human nature. We are wired to want answers; we hate chaos, and we love order. It's the same thing as asking why do bad things happen to good people? No one knows. For awhile, I really think you can't help but keep asking questions, but NC helps to quell some of that. Be in NC for long enough, and you just won't care anymore. The entire situation will have less and less relevance to your life, and that's when you can really move on.
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