How do you live with potentially crushing someone?

[ChrisDrew]

God, this is driving me nuts. You ever totally, absolutely, 100% know the right thing to do, but just can't bring yourself to do it because it means hurting the person you care about too much?

 

ROUND 1

 

So around October 2011 I started dating a girl long-distance, she was beautiful, mysterious, had a wicked sense of humor and loved all the same movies and music and food and everything else I did, and it seemed like a terrific match. She seemed to have a few friends, new the city I was moving to well, was all very exciting.

 

That then turned into a bumpy on-again, off-again relationship that finally led to us breaking up in April 2012 as she wanted to get back with her ex. Furious and hurt, I ignored her the rest of the year until early November 2012 when she came back begging for forgiveness. Of course it hadn't worked out with him and she'd suddenly realized I was everything she really needed in life.

 

ROUND 2

 

I didn't want to forgive her but agreed to be friends, just do some movies and dinners once in awhile, and she was terrific and tried very hard, sweet as hell, and we spent Christmas and New Year's together and it was great. I was still pretty upset about the ex thing, but finally let it go and focused on moving on. She didn't seem to have any friends anymore, which should have been a big red flag but I said hey, it's a tough city.

 

However, in January 2013 she lost her job as a restaurant manager, then couldn't make rent, so I offered to let her stay with me for a few weeks as she really had no other other options while looking for a new job. "A few weeks" turned into two-plus months, and the biggest problem began to come up: she was just ANGRY. Much of the time she'd be great and we'd have a blast, but other times it was these EXPLOSIONS like I'd never seen, usually about little things that were absolutely NOTHING.

 

I knew I wasn't the cause of these explosions, as I'd done nothing but be supportive, but especially after a few glasses of wine she'd launch into what I began calling ANGRY MODE, where she wanted nothing but to tell me I was the worst boyfriend she'd ever had while packing her bags, and trying to go out into the night where I knew she had nowhere to go, all while I was trying to calm her down and plead that she realize that nothing's wrong, everything's okay, there's nothing to be mad about.

 

This went on a dozen times, each time with her apologizing the next morning and saying how sorry she is and how much she loves me. I'd say I can't take it another time but would always forgive her the next time. I chalked it up to insecurity about having no job or place to live, which I can understand would make anyone angry and insane.

 

But after a trip to a friend's wedding in April 2013 where she went into Angry Mode outside the wedding hall, yelling that she was going to go inside and let "all your stupid friends know just how much of an ***hole you are!!" all while I was trying to calm her down, I had had enough and a few days after we got home I told her it was time for her to find a place to live with a friend, and we broke up. She was furious, of course, that I would drop her in a time of need, but "a few weeks" had turned into 2.5 months of her being furious with me, with no end to it in sight. I told her that there are always limits, and left it at that.

 

Problem was that I missed her. I wondered how she was, and I felt guilty about throwing her out. Finally in July 2013 after no contact I called her up and said it'd be nice just to catch up, and she agreed. She looked happy, had gotten a great new job, a new place to live, had stories about friends, no anger whatsoever, and a few drinks led to her staying over at my place which led to us seeing each other again.

 

ROUND 3

 

Since getting back together things were great through August but then in September the old rage-fits began again. I was working one week in another country, tried to call her a few times during the day to chat, but had no time and finally called her from the car on the way to a flight I had to make. I could tell she'd had a few drinks with a friend before the call because of her voice, but we chatted for an hour and everything was great though she continued to sound drunker. Finally I was almost to the airport and said I'd had to go, but I loved and missed her -- and jokingly said thanks for helping make the drive pass so quickly. To this she began to rage again, saying I was so disrespectful and insulting, that I just used her to make a trip go faster, how dare I, on and on until finally she passed out.

 

Since then many great times but also more rage episodes that leave an awful feeling over the night. Last week I think the clincher was that I was at a concert with her and a few friends to see a favorite band. She decided she didn't care for them that much, and during one of their best songs she wouldn't stop talking in my ear. I smiled and said come on, let's just listen, but she kept talking, saying another concert we saw was much better, etc etc. I turned and said shhhh, let's just listen, I love this song, and -- rage mode activated. You're an ******* and I'm leaving and you have fun with your friends and etc etc. I had to leave the show to talk her down, a security guard even stepped in to ask if there was a problem.

 

THE SHORT VERSION

 

Anyway, so now I'm stuck in this awful place. I really, REALLY want out. All I want is to go back to being single and just spending time with my good friends and family and not getting yelled at.

 

Yet at the same time she does just simply adore me, tells me all the time, and really wants a future together. She has an awful family life at home, no other friends in the city where we live, a job that's not really going anywhere, and part of me DOES really love her and always wants her to be happy. I have so many happy, silly memories that aren't part of the rage, and I keep putting off the breakup because I just can't bring myself to crush her.

 

I know all the usual arguments -- by putting it off you're delaying the time when you can each find someone more right for each other. That I need to think of myself first. That people will never really change.

 

I just don't know how I can bring myself to crush her. Yet I know I also can't go on like this indefinitely. Every time I almost find the courage to tell her that I don't want this anymore, she suddenly is extremely sweet and happy and caring and it's precisely the girl I want. And then two days later she finds something else to blow up about and ruin the night again.

 

Does anyone else have experience with this kind of insanity? Did you get through it? Massive apologies for the long-winded post but just had to get it all out. Thanks much for listening.

Edited December 2, 2013 by ChrisDrew

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

When my ex broke up with me he said he stayed with me because he thought it made me happy.

 

It was the most hurtful thing to hear someone say. He didn't stay with me because he was happy, or I made him happy, or because he loved me....but to make me happy?! How can someone pretend like that?

 

Please leave her. You will end up crushing her worse by staying with her and pretending you to like/love her. You are clearly done with this relationship, so just let it go.

 

I wish mine did when he first felt it, because it'd be less painful now. I don't ever want someone to stay with me because they feel obligated, that's no fun.

 

It won't feel like a favor to her at first, but she will thank you later.

[d0nnivain]

I hate to burst your bubble, but you won't crush her. She will be angry for a while, possibly for ever because she has huge rage issues but you won't crush her. Other than those who kill themselves, people don't die from a broken heart.

 

 

There is no healthy reason for you to continue to let her abuse you like this.

 

 

Just get it over with. You will feel so much better.

 

 

Who knows, maybe you dumping her will be what she needs to straighten out her own life.

[ChrisDrew]

I hate to burst your bubble, but you won't crush her. She will be angry for a while, possibly for ever because she has huge rage issues but you won't crush her. Other than those who kill themselves, people don't die from a broken heart.

 

I'm not worried about her dying from a broken heart, I'm worried about her going to an even darker place where it becomes impossible for her to trust anyone and all future relationships are far worse. I keep searching every day for a way to end it that leaves her happy and full of confidence, realizing that I still love her but we really just aren't good together, but I never find it.

 

But I know you're right and I need to just do it.

 

I also know that there's something pretty wrong with me for allowing myself to get back into this more than once, and I seriously need to figure out how to get myself into a relationship with a girl who only wants me but doesn't need me. I just don't want to be the one responsible for putting this poor girl over the edge into something she doesn't come back from, not physically but in terms of trust and anger issues.

 

God I'd love to trade places with one of the hundreds of others on this site who just want to get an ex back...

[d0nnivain]

. I keep searching every day for a way to end it that leaves her happy and full of confidence, . . . , but I never find it.

 

If you figure out how to do THAT you will be one of the smartest people on the planet. Instruct others & you will be a millionaire.

 

 

Rejection hurts. This is where the clichés -- it's not you, it's me & let's be friends come from -- people trying to this. It doesn't work. I wish it did but . . .

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

There's a reason she has no friends. No one wants to be around her. She has a personality disorder. If you are the only person in her life, you will get the brunt of all of her rage. It will be your responsibility to make sure she is happy every second of the day. You will have to completely sacrifice everything you are and everything you love, for her.

 

You have no choice but to crush her. When you leave her you cannot look back and contact her. For her own sanity, do not drop her breadcrumbs. Give it a clean break. Do not even let her try to talk you out of it. It will all be manipulation.

 

edit: she may threaten and probably wont do it, but you are in no way responsible if she commits suicide

Edited December 2, 2013 by AShogunNamedMarcus

[strive]

There's one story similar to yours here in LS and I offered a different perspective for him. This is what I told him: You're reacting to the anger and not the cause.

 

Do you know why she's angry all the time? Do you guys address this issue or do you just ride it out? You said you've been nothing but supportive, so you aren't the reason. Your actions may not be the reason, but what if it's the situation you're in? When you guys broke up, and saw each other again in July, you said she looked very happy. Could it be because you weren't together then?

 

I used to have A LOT of anger issues too in the 10 years I spent with my ex. Mainly because of him. Like you, he'd been nothing but supportive, but there was resentment buried in our history that never got fixed. Our living situation also was a large factor and living, feeling, even breathing in a stressful situation day in and day out causes outbursts from seemingly out of nowhere.

 

But after we broke up, a **** ton of weight was lifted from me. The anger fits from small things were gone. The depression vanished almost overnight. And only a few weeks after the BU, I started feeling free and truly happy.

 

And just to be clear, I was the dumpee.

 

Now, there's a different kind of anger -- one about the BU where there's OW involved, but that's a different story. What I'm saying is if the major stressors in her life is you, your situation, or something/somewhere/someone she is constantly in contact with because of you, then breaking up with her would free her from all the anger.

 

Just make sure that you're really doing it for her. And not because of some false sense of altruism on your part, or having a case of GIGS or there's an OW in your periphery that you 'technically' haven't pursued yet. Some people here tend to omit these things and they get the wrong kind of advice in turn.

[headinthecloud]

It sounds like a very toxic relationship and she is codependent. Understand that you are not responsible for her. Taking care of you first does not make you a bad person.

 

You need to just "rip the bandaid" and end it. Tell her it's just not working and all the arguments are too much for you. You don't feel happy and you think it's time to move on because this isn't healthy for either of you.

 

I dated a man who treated his friends better than he treated me. As a result, I behaved poorly. Toxic RSs bring out the worst in each other. Why stay together? Life is hard enough as it is.

[ChrisDrew]

There's one story similar to yours here in LS and I offered a different perspective for him. This is what I told him: You're reacting to the anger and not the cause.

 

I won't say it's impossible, as we definitely have old resentment and trust issues that are hard to ignore. When I said she went back to her ex, that was because I found out she'd been sleeping with both of us and walked away. Eight months later I forgave her after a month of apologies, it took another month for me to stop being mad but I truly did finally just let it go.

 

She also has said that she and her ex-husband used to have explosive fights, and that her parents did too before they split up.

 

Either way, whatever the source of the explosions, I know they were not coming from my behavior. I've never said or done anything that causes them, though nowadays I DO find myself quickly losing patience with yet another outburst. "Oh, here we go again, we're gonna get all angry again, cool, yeah, let's do this." It's just not healthy.

 

The reason she cites for her anger now is that I don't talk about the future and she doesn't feel like I'm committed. I say her that of course I want to think about the future, and would love to be committed, but every time things go well and I start to think if this might not be something real, she has another crazy night-destroying outburst.

 

Is it so wrong to feel like we need to fix the enormously obvious short-term problem that affects us multiple times a week before we start talking about moving in together and having children? I've signed us up for counselling but not sure it even makes sense anymore.

 

I'm away for business this week. Everything I'm reading says that in a breakup it helps to tell her in advance that "we need to talk" as it gives her time to prepare. Yet I know if I say we need to talk that she'll immediately begin demanding that I tell her what's up here and now, she will refuse to wait. No idea how to handle this.

[ChrisDrew]

I dated a man who treated his friends better than he treated me. As a result, I behaved poorly. Toxic RSs bring out the worst in each other. Why stay together? Life is hard enough as it is.

 

Thanks for the advice, it helps. Though this is actually another sticking point we have. I *love* my friends, they're all extremely supportive, kind, wonderful people, and I have about a dozen in the area. But I rarely see them now, as if she has a night off from work that I don't spend with her she gets upset and then tries to "revenge" me by telling me that she can't see me on another night where we already had plans to hang out with some random person who I know she doesn't like. Why? "I just wanted you to see how it feels."

 

If I can get myself to end this I know her most-repeated comment will be "Oh, well, now you can go back to having fun with your PRECIOUS friends now, I know that's all you wanted, and that's all you'll ever want."

 

She has enough stuff at my place to fill a large suitcase. How the hell do I manage the breakup? Should we talk in a café and then let her come back to my place and pack? Seems cruel. Do we talk and then later I come by somewhere she chooses with a bag with her things?

 

God this all sucks. Plus, I'm just going to miss her good side like crazy.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Wow. I used to be like your gf about 7 years ago...in my first long term relationship. I had severe anger/rage issues and we broke up because of it. I used to say the worst things imaginable to my ex and my words and level of rage had no boundaries. I am 100% changed but it took a lot of work on my part. Have you really sat down with her had a serious conversation about her rage and that this is the reason why you don't see a future with her?

 

Would you try to make the relationship work if she agreed to therapy?

[ChrisDrew]

Wow. I used to be like your gf about 7 years ago...in my first long term relationship. I had severe anger/rage issues and we broke up because of it. I used to say the worst things imaginable to my ex and my words and level of rage had no boundaries. I am 100% changed but it took a lot of work on my part. Have you really sat down with her had a serious conversation about her rage and that this is the reason why you don't see a future with her?

 

Would you try to make the relationship work if she agreed to therapy?

 

She has agreed to therapy, and while it's been a pain to set up where we are, I've almost got our first appointment scheduled. By now, though, I think it's too far gone. She gets upset about anything I do. She takes every other comment the wrong way. She points out the flaws in what I'm doing even when it's things like me buying ingredients for dinner and cooking for her. ("Remember I like extra sauce on my rice" [i put all the remaining sauce on her rice.] "I told you I like extra sauce!") She doesn't like people and would prefer to always stay home alone, while I love having conversations with anyone and everyone. She refuses to look for solutions to problems and just assigns blame to everyone in the world except herself. She's had a go-nowhere job for eight years and despite always saying she wants something better, never seems willing to work for it. She's had a total of five jobs in the past two years and lost two of them for being late or acting non-committed.

 

I just don't see how any of this can the start to a serious future, especially when she's now 32, and yet even saying all of that -- and every word is true -- makes me feel like I'm abandoning someone who needs real help, someone who I can't stand to see cry, and who really loves me. It's tearing me in two.

Edited December 2, 2013 by ChrisDrew

[headinthecloud]

Thanks for the advice, it helps. Though this is actually another sticking point we have. I *love* my friends, they're all extremely supportive, kind, wonderful people, and I have about a dozen in the area. But I rarely see them now, as if she has a night off from work that I don't spend with her she gets upset and then tries to "revenge" me by telling me that she can't see me on another night where we already had plans to hang out with some random person who I know she doesn't like. Why? "I just wanted you to see how it feels."

 

If I can get myself to end this I know her most-repeated comment will be "Oh, well, now you can go back to having fun with your PRECIOUS friends now, I know that's all you wanted, and that's all you'll ever want."

 

She has enough stuff at my place to fill a large suitcase. How the hell do I manage the breakup? Should we talk in a café and then let her come back to my place and pack? Seems cruel. Do we talk and then later I come by somewhere she chooses with a bag with her things?

 

God this all sucks. Plus, I'm just going to miss her good side like crazy.

 

The "good side" is who we fall in love with. We accept everything else because we connect so strongly with the person we think they are. That's why BU suck...because you know you're letting go of something wonderful, a fantasy (because what we see when we are in love is rarely reality).

 

Unfortunately, the longer you stay in a toxic RS the faster you destroy your stable emotional foundation and you can end up risking your future happiness all because you couldnt let go of a fantasy.

 

From what you describe of her behaviour it is classic codependency. Plus, her "games" are extremely immature, and you shouldn't tolerate those behaviours in a RS. Set boundaries for yourself in the relationship that way you always maintain respect for one another. In order to have a healthy relationship you have to figure out what make you happy and what you need in a RS (other than sex, naturally ). But too much has happened between you two. Time to let it go.

 

Rip the bandaid. Deep breath...

Edited December 3, 2013 by headinthecloud

[hestheone66]

I know what it is like to be involved with someone who makes you feel as tho you are responsible for their happines.. .that no matter how you try and do EVERYTHING to avoid drama. they will still find something trivial to make into a big deal..

 

i remember one year I spent a whole day doing the christmas shopping for our 4 children, went out across the city to locate a particular video game for his son. in the terrible heat etc.. he wrapping presents and when he saw that I wasn't quite as good at the wrapping as he was.. (no jagged paper edges from cutting with scissors) - he snarled at me and said it was obvious that i didn't love them!!

 

I had already spent the day preparing the feast for the following day with no support as well as the normal day to day chores.

 

I was shocked, hurt, and bewildered. It was then I realised this toxic situation that I thought was not love.. but a sick power trip for him..

 

It took me several years later.. I realised that if I left him he would probably end up on the streets as I had always financially supported him and he was just no good at being responsible for himself, let alone others.

 

When I finally left him... i realised that me and my future deserved better, so much better than i would ever be able to give to my children without his dead beat dead weight abusive negativity .. i no longer cared if he sank after i left him because i realised that all along through his life, he could have chosen NOT to be a user, a manipulator..

 

After 12 years of put downs and occasional good times, where I lost many friends who could see through his fake charm.. i walked away and into a better life.. when he finally left my home (i had to sell it to get him out) .. he ended up in a shelter.. and instead of feeling guilty.. i felt vindicated and free!!

 

.. yes of course I had tried until I was blue in the face.. from about the 3rd year to get professional help.. he would be dismissive, defensive and throw tantrums..

 

He was troubled, but I couldn't be his counsellor, he needed more help than I could provide, and I wasn't going to sacrifice any more of my life for such a death sentence.. my life has continued to be awesome and I know being on my own, and empowered by my own choices, is 100% worth breaking up.

 

On this forum.. sometimes the person initiating the breakup is seen as the monster. however sometimes those who have been left have not been the supportive partner... and make promises to do all sorts of things.. and good hearted, good natured people just get sucked in to the deceit.. and then when we call it off, we are villainised..

 

I went complete NC for 4 months... had to

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

Do u think she could be suffering with depression... I honestly think there could be something underlying going on.

 

I think u should have a proper chat because u could have a great girl in there that needs a little help x

[todreaminblue]

i f you dont want to crush someone you do it quick and clean,and go no contact there is no solution other than this.......deb

[headinthecloud]

Do u think she could be suffering with depression... I honestly think there could be something underlying going on.

 

I think u should have a proper chat because u could have a great girl in there that needs a little help x

 

Bipolar or BPD are more likely because of the highs and lows. The manipulation is the differentiator.

[todreaminblue]

Bipolar or BPD are more likely because of the highs and lows. The manipulation is the differentiator.

 

could be many things why she is why she is, what i do know though is no guy should have to deal with something he cant handle.......i woudl never expect a guy to deal with m e......if he couldnt do it handle me..... would prefer the quick cut off....i get mad sometimes......but i dotn intentionally hurt a partner....unless it is in self defense.....deb

[Shaine]

You will do her a favor by ending it. She needs to grow up and learn a lesson. You cant stay like this forever, it will destroy you both. Just tell her the reason why your breaking up with her. And that you need time and space to heal and that you hope she would respect that.

 

She might be angry at you. And she might beg as well. But you just have to be firm.

[ChrisDrew]

I know what it is like to be involved with someone who makes you feel as tho you are responsible for their happines.. .that no matter how you try and do EVERYTHING to avoid drama. they will still find something trivial to make into a big deal..

 

i remember one year I spent a whole day doing the christmas shopping for our 4 children, went out across the city to locate a particular video game for his son. in the terrible heat etc.. he wrapping presents and when he saw that I wasn't quite as good at the wrapping as he was.. (no jagged paper edges from cutting with scissors) - he snarled at me and said it was obvious that i didn't love them!!

 

I had already spent the day preparing the feast for the following day with no support as well as the normal day to day chores.

 

I was shocked, hurt, and bewildered. It was then I realised this toxic situation that I thought was not love.. but a sick power trip for him..

 

It took me several years later.. I realised that if I left him he would probably end up on the streets as I had always financially supported him and he was just no good at being responsible for himself, let alone others.

 

When I finally left him... i realised that me and my future deserved better, so much better than i would ever be able to give to my children without his dead beat dead weight abusive negativity .. i no longer cared if he sank after i left him because i realised that all along through his life, he could have chosen NOT to be a user, a manipulator..

 

After 12 years of put downs and occasional good times, where I lost many friends who could see through his fake charm.. i walked away and into a better life.. when he finally left my home (i had to sell it to get him out) .. he ended up in a shelter.. and instead of feeling guilty.. i felt vindicated and free!!

 

.. yes of course I had tried until I was blue in the face.. from about the 3rd year to get professional help.. he would be dismissive, defensive and throw tantrums..

 

He was troubled, but I couldn't be his counsellor, he needed more help than I could provide, and I wasn't going to sacrifice any more of my life for such a death sentence.. my life has continued to be awesome and I know being on my own, and empowered by my own choices, is 100% worth breaking up.

 

On this forum.. sometimes the person initiating the breakup is seen as the monster. however sometimes those who have been left have not been the supportive partner... and make promises to do all sorts of things.. and good hearted, good natured people just get sucked in to the deceit.. and then when we call it off, we are villainised..

 

I went complete NC for 4 months... had to

 

Wow, that's a hell of a story, hestheone. Makes me glad I don't have it anywhere near as bad. That said, if kids came into the picture I could see it getting much worse.

 

No, definitely not depressed in the traditional sense, as when I'm doing everything "right" and paying her all the attention and saying all the right things then she's always happy... for a time. There will be a few hours or even day or two of happiness, then suddenly she'll get quiet for awhile, and I'll ask what's wrong, and she'll say nothing and stay quiet, and then finally will tell me she's not happy that I said X last week or that I spent time with person Y because of whatever reason.

 

Not being a psychiatrist myself but reading a lot about it recently, I'd say she's far closer to borderline personality disorder (BPD), though I had to just throw out a label like that as she's a whole and very unique person. She has the classic anger episodes and all other symptoms of BPD, except I don't think (hope) she'd ever hurt herself. She was raised to look down on that and has no sympathy for cutters or people who try to kill themselves.

 

But on the other hand she does see almost everything as black or white, friends are friends until she perceives some slight and then they're instantly enemies, and she will never try to make up with them. Likewise we'll start to watch some silly movie like Airplane! and she'll get very quiet and just stare with her arms crossed, until after a few minutes I ask if she's okay and she'll say "No. This sucks. You want me to just sit here watching a movie that sucks. Thanks.", and I'll say come on, relax, it's just a movie, give it a chance. "No! This sucks and I don't want to watch it." So I'll sit there flicking through movie after movie trying to find the one on the list of 100's that she thinks is okay. Then I'll find one and everything will be great and snuggles etc. etc.

 

She also reads into everything as about her, which I think is another BDP thing. I gave her this book "Gone Girl" to read, which I liked just because it's a mystery where it really sets you up to think one person did it, then it flipflops a few times. It's just entertainment. But man, I'm sorry I did, as now every chapter she's upset and thinks it's some statement about us. Likewise often when I'm talking about someone else, commenting on how a friend's relationship is going, she'll be nodding and happy but then suddenly get quiet and then say "Oh, so you think our relationship is worse/bad/etc/etc??"

 

I've thought it for awhile, but she really does just suck the life out of me. Even when I'm away I feel this pull toward my phone, wondering if she's texted some problem, or more likely some sweet note like "Sweeeeeeetie!!" that if I don't respond to in less than an hour she's going to then comment on how she's missing me and yet I'm not paying her enough attention and what the hell is going on. Man, I can see myself through all of your eyes as I write these words and wonder even more what the hell I'm doing.

 

God I just don't want to hurt the poor girl though. She's said multiple times recently that life in the city we're in, which she moved to 8 years ago, has not turned out like she wanted, and she's been thinking of moving back to her home country, where her family is awful, and I'd feel terrible about being the cause.

Edited December 3, 2013 by ChrisDrew

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

God I just don't want to hurt the poor girl though. She's said multiple times recently that life in the city we're in, which she moved to 8 years ago, has not turned out like she wanted, and she's been thinking of moving back to her home country, where her family is awful, and I'd feel terrible about being the cause.

 

Are you sure you can trust what she's saying about her family? BPDers will blame everyone else for the trouble they cause.

 

She thinks she's a victim because her friends stopped hanging around. She probably sees herself as a victim at home because of the fights... that she likely started.

 

If her family is terrible, then there are probably more disorders in that family. You want no part of this.

 

Don't give in to sympathy after you break up with her. You will want to rationalize that you owe it to her to try to soothe her when she starts freaking out. If you fall for this, you will keep her from healing. If she doesn't feel that complete break, she will hold on to hope and keep scheming of ways to get you to talk to her.

 

Don't go NC for just you, do it for her sanity.

[ChrisDrew]

Don't give in to sympathy after you break up with her. You will want to rationalize that you owe it to her to try to soothe her when she starts freaking out. If you fall for this, you will keep her from healing. If she doesn't feel that complete break, she will hold on to hope and keep scheming of ways to get you to talk to her.

 

Don't go NC for just you, do it for her sanity.

 

Well, it makes sense but that angle I'm less worried about. She gets so angry and has tried to leave in anger so many times that I'm rather sure that me even mentioning breaking up will lead to another screaming episode of her packing and walking out (not because she wants to go, but because she wants me to feel bad and stop her) that will be followed by half a dozen incredibly insulting emails and texts from her over the next few weeks and then nothing. Of course I won't respond to insults, but her suddenly becoming calm and rational and trying to fix what's wrong after she perceives I'm being such a selfish b**tard isn't going to happen.

 

Which will make it easier I won't have to turn down or ignore her sweet side, but it'll also make it harder as there will be no chance of closure or final hug or last goodbye. There will be no "I really hope everything turns out great for you" or "we're just not right for each other", it's just going to be two years of a very up and down relationship -- with some very good times as well -- ending in screaming insults and then nothing. Which I guess just has to happen.

 

But this is also part of the reason why I'm still pushing to see the counselor. Not because I think he can somehow save us, but because I'm just hoping like hell that a counselor can help her see this is for the best for both of us and therefore not go away thinking all men are total a***oles who are only going to use her and throw her away and everything in life sucks etc etc everyone's awful but poor me.

 

And god knows I have my own issues to work on, if only to find out why I got myself into this mess.

Edited December 3, 2013 by ChrisDrew

[seekingpeaceinlove]

You are not responsible for her happiness. You are not responsible for her. Period.

 

You are not her parent or guardian, you are her partner.

 

I understand the guilt and concern you have for her well-being but you cannot change her. I don't think I've read anywhere in your posts where your gf acknowledges having these anger/rage issues or that she understands that this is a problem.

 

She does need help but she needs to first acknowledge that she has a problem.

 

My ex tried to help me but ultimately it took being on my own and a lot of work to change myself. Now, I look back and shudder at the person I was and how horrible I was to my ex.

 

Breaking up with her may be what she needs in her life...to change and grow. Then again, maybe not. This is not your responsibility.

 

If you do want to stay with her, it would take endless amount of patience and love on your part AND her putting in a lot of work for the relationship to have a chance.

 

It seems like you've already made your decision but you're prolonging it bc of guilt. Break up with her already and let her sort her life our on her own. You cannot do it for her.

 

Life is too short to be stuck in something that is making you miserable.

 

Good luck.

Edited December 3, 2013 by seekingpeaceinlove

[cavalier99]

Just BU with her. Then go NC and never get sucked into this toxicity again. Stop thinking so much. Cav

[me85]

Sounds like she is an alcoholic (or well on her way) and the majority of her anger comes out when under the influence.

Some people just don't need to drink because of these reasons and she definitely needs to recognize her problem in order for her to be happy with anyone.

 

I think you should tell her point blank that she has a problem (whether it's anger issues or alcoholism-or BOTH) & advise her to seek counseling or read a few self help books, stop drinking...SOMETHING. Then you need to break up with her, go NC and be happy again.

Edited December 3, 2013 by me85