Ex threatening to hurt herself

[CrazyAlex]

I am finding it extremely difficult to break up with my ex. We are both in our mid 20's, been seeing each other on and off for 3 years. The reason it is difficult is because I don't want to hurt her feelings and supposedly I am her only real friend and the only person she can count on (I tell her that even if we are not together, she can still count on me as a friend).

 

She even went so far as to threaten to hurt herself if I leave her and she becomes absolutely hysterical when I say I want to break up (I even had to call security because she would not leave my apartment and was making a scene). I told this girl many times that I have no feelings for her, but she still insists that we have a good time together. The only decent part about our "relationship" is sex.

 

I have tried cutting all contact with her, but that does not work. When I block one number, she calls and texts me from a different number and acts absolutely hysterical. I have received up to 100 calls a day from different numbers when we are in "no contact" phase. I even checked stalking laws, but unfortunately, this does not qualify because there is no threat of harm. Sometimes she would say she is OK just being friends, but when we meet she is all over me and we usually end up having sex (its hard for me to resist).

 

She says she cannot live without me and if I'm not with her, she would rather be dead. But how is that my problem? I seriously almost feel like I am a slave to this girl and my constitutional rights of life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness are being completely violated here.

[Treasa]

Ultimately she has no control over you and you have no control over her...unless you let each other.

 

If she's threatening to commit suicide, call the police. They'll take her away for a 72 hour hold if they think she's a threat to herself or others, and if it's just a stunt to manipulate you, that will probably teach her better than to pull bull**** like that.

 

You are not her emotional tampon. End things and block her. If you don't, and you continue to be miserable, it's your own fault.

[BluEyeL]

That, and don't be "friends", it is impossible in this hysterical state she is in. don't allow contact, block all the numbers she uses.

[TaraMaiden]

I Hate to tell you this, but you make yourself available.

 

Don't block her number - change yours.

Get a restraining order on her.

Advise her family, friends, doctor - anyone who will listen - that this woman is seriously bordering on the unhinged.

 

It's not your job or responsibility to fix her, look after her or act as a damage limitation cushion.

Be pro-active and take charge of your life.

The more you whinge, the more she will control.

Do what you need to do, and cut her off all ways possible.

[MidwestUSA]

For the love of GOD, stop having sex with her! Jeez!

[veggirl]

Ugh she is gonna be embarrassed about this s.hit someday!

 

Just tell her that the next time she threatens to hurt herself, you are going to call the police.

 

Stop meeting up with her. Quit making yourself the victim! You have the power to cut contact, you just aren't doing it. Let her text you 100x, never answer or respond. If she comes to your door tell her (without letting her in) to leave or you are calling the police. FOLLOW THROUGH. Stop trying to be her friend, how is that helping the situation?

 

If you want to be rid of her, you will find a way.

Honestly one call to the cops when she is stalking your place or threatening harm to herself should bring things to an end.

[man_in_the_box]

For the love of GOD, stop having sex with her! Jeez!

 

Especially this. It's a no-brainer.

[TaraMaiden]

For the love of GOD, stop having sex with her! Jeez!

 

Phukksake, I missed that!!

 

No wonder she's still a mill-stone around his neck - because he wants the sex!!

 

It must be good - otherwise the rest of her behaviour would act as a passion-killer!

 

OP - your problem is ENTIRELY self-inflicted - and a good part of it is that YOU'RE LEADING HER ON!!

 

Quit the sex, and stop using her!

 

Then, Go No Contact, change your number and quit prevaricating!

[meghann8]

If you believe her threats of hurting herself are real, call the police. There are also suicide hotlines that you can call for your area and get further advice. Also, you might want to change your number. Clearly, blocking her isn't going to work because she knows ways of getting around that.

 

A few years back, I knew a guy who drove his then girlfriend to a mental hospital and had her admitted. She was suicidal (I don't remember if she ever attempted, but she talked about it a lot and was convincingly serious about it) and her family must have agreed to the movement. I'd say this is a last resort plan if calling the police doesn't work out in the long run.

[crederer]

I've been in a similar situation. I changed my phone (kept the old one for a variety of reasons, but it was a secondary phone that people could leave msgs for me on). She threatened to kill herself several times. It was an empty threat, she thought it'd scare me enough to come back to her.

 

The day I left, she stood behind my truck not letting me back out while screaming at the top of her lungs at me. Neighbours all around, it was humiliating for us both. I don't come from a background where that stuff is acceptable, unfortunately she grew up in it.

 

After she realized suicide threats wouldn't work, she threatened to kill my new gf (a couple of months after the break up). I didn't think she'd do it but I called police because that is just whacked thing to say.

 

Now about a year and a half later, she still texts me once in a while just to see how things are and she seems a lot more adjusted. I still care about her as you would a family member, but her emotional state is never really going to change. Extremely depressed and a really messed up childhood. I couldn't do it anymore. I don't mind her keeping in touch on occasion but there is no way in hell I'll ever see her in person again.

[Quiet Storm]

She likely has abandonment issues or even Borderline PD. When she feels as if she is being abandoned or rejected she freaks out. She isn't capable of dealing with her feelings in a healthy way, either because of poor coping skills or a disordered thinking.

 

My sister has BPD and has done very similar things. She even hit herself multiple times and said her ex husband abused her. She does suicide threats & attempts, even jumping out of and in front of moving cars. It's crazy and just sad.

 

Any attention from you is validating to her, negative or positive. She would prefer positive attention, but will accept negative attention as an alternative to being ignored (or abandoned, from her perspective). So when she hurts herself, it doesn't matter to her that you are thinking "this girl is crazy"- what matters is that you are paying attention to her.

 

You have to totally stop feeding her need for attention from you. If she threatens suicide, call the police and they will have her evaluated. If you consistently to this, she will have negative consequences (being held for 72 hours, embarrassment). The most important thing is to let the authorities or her family deal with her. You must detach totally. If she ODs on pill and has to go to the psych ward and calls you begging...do not go see her. Tell her "I hope you get help, I wish you the best, but you must get help or lean on your friends/ family." Then ignore any further contact.

 

She doesn't believe you are serious about breaking up because you keep taking her back and giving her attention. She's like a little kid, you must be consistent or she won't take you seriously. She needs to know there is absolutely no chance or hope, and it will take repeated action of "ignoring her" on your part. She may get even crazier when she realizes you are serious this time. Do not feel responsible for her behavior. These are HER issues and she is responsible for dealing with them. Leave it to the professionals.

 

When she shows up, tell her she must leave or you will call the police and have her removed. Then do it.

 

When she calls you threatening suicide, tell her that you are hanging up and calling 911 because she needs help. Then do it.

 

She is not your responsibility, leave it to the professionals.

[CrazyAlex]

The worst thing is that her birthday is coming up in 2 weeks and she obviously desperately wants me to be there. Would it be really rude if I'm not?

[geegirl]

The worst thing is that her birthday is coming up in 2 weeks and she obviously desperately wants me to be there. Would it be really rude if I'm not?

 

Woe is me I am finding it difficult to break-up with my ex? So difficult yet you still have sex with her, leading her on as emotionally messed up as she is. It doesn't matter what she presents to you, you know the truth in that she cannot handle contact with you.

 

What's wrong with you? The only one feeding her chaos is you. You don't want to be with her but then have sex with her knowing she is deseperate for you. You know she can't be friends with you because she has proven she's too emotionally tangled but you entertain her ideas. If you don't recognize a number, don't pick it up. If it's important someoone will leave a message. Don't make excuses.

 

Burns my ass when you are huge part of the problem and you know it but play the victim.

 

Now you are asking if it's rude not to attend her birthday? Stop giving her attention. Attention is what's keeping her from healing and going on her way. You broke up. Treat it as such and end it, completely.

[MidwestUSA]

Oh for *****ssake! Reap, sow, repeat.........

[pcplod]

The worst thing is that her birthday is coming up in 2 weeks and she obviously desperately wants me to be there. Would it be really rude if I'm not?

 

Why on earth are you asking questions like this after all the consistent advice you have received from others?

 

It is way off-base and strongly suggests that you have psychological sues of your own that you need to tend to.

 

Rude or not, it is totally irrelevant. You don't go. "No contact" means exactly that and not some sort of weird half-way house. Don't even send her a card. It would be sending all the wrong signals to her and you would be doing her absolutely no favours at all. Just don't complicate things. It really can and needs to be that simple. The simpler it is, the less opportunity there is for mixed signals.

[CrazyAlex]

OK guys I cannot change my number because I own a business and get many business-related phone calls to this number. And she would be able to reach me easily anyway by calling my company. I just don't understand how can she be so irrational, why would she think that harassing and stalking me will make me take her back? I'm a very reasonable and logical person, I'm just shocked by all of this to be honest and don't know how to deal with it. I never had to just ignore someone, if I want to break up, a girl is supposed to respect that.

[TaraMaiden]

The worst thing is that her birthday is coming up in 2 weeks and she obviously desperately wants me to be there. Would it be really rude if I'm not?

 

It's taking every ounce of self-control I have to not say something that will doubtless get me an infraction, and earn me a 10-day suspension, so I will ask in the most courteous, civilised and restrained way I can -

 

It strikes me that you have posed a question without giving it - or all previous counsel you have received - any serious thought; I am thus prompted to ask you whether you have in fact taken leave of your senses?

 

Those who know me well, will be able to paraphrase my question accordingly, and get the gist....

[geegirl]

OK guys I cannot change my number because I own a business and get many business-related phone calls to this number. And she would be able to reach me easily anyway by calling my company. I just don't understand how can she be so irrational, why would she think that harassing and stalking me will make me take her back? I'm a very reasonable and logical person, I'm just shocked by all of this to be honest and don't know how to deal with it. I never had to just ignore someone, if I want to break up, a girl is supposed to respect that.

 

If you want to break-up, a girl is supposed to respect that? But yet you don't respect the terms of your break-up because in your mind a break-up still allows you to have sex with her, even when YOU KNOW she can't handle it?

 

You take no responsibility for your actions. Selfish, truly.

 

You are leading her on. Stop having sex with her. Stop meeting her. Stop taking her calls and if you can't change your number, politely hang up without engaging.

[CrazyAlex]

If you want to break-up, a girl is supposed to respect that? But yet you don't respect the terms of your break-up because in your mind a break-up still allows you to have sex with her, even when YOU KNOW she can't handle it?

 

You take no responsibility for your actions. Selfish, truly.

 

You are leading her on. Stop having sex with her. Stop meeting her. Stop taking her calls and if you can't change your number, politely hang up without engaging.

 

I never initiate anything though. She begs to meet up with me and says we can be just friends, then when we are together she is all over me and initiates sex. And if I say that I don't want to meet her, she gets absolutely hysterical and threatens to hurt herself and makes me feel very guilty. She sometimes even goes out to clubs and gets wasted and drunk-calls me acting hysterical, I am obviously worried about her at these times and its hard for me to ignore her in these situations.

[geegirl]

I never initiate anything though. She begs to meet up with me and says we can be just friends, then when we are together she is all over me and initiates sex. And if I say that I don't want to meet her, she gets absolutely hysterical and threatens to hurt herself and makes me feel very guilty. She sometimes even goes out to clubs and gets wasted and drunk-calls me acting hysterical, I am obviously worried about her at these times and its hard for me to ignore her in these situations.

 

Who cares if you don't initiate? You know meeting up leads to sex and your penis can't resist. And she can't initiate any contact if you block her out.

 

If she wants to hurt herself, give her the suicide hotline number and tell her to seek help. Inform a friend of hers or parent that this is what is happening to her and step away. They can find her help.

 

Bingo. She threatens suicide. You feel guilty. Mission accomplished. Same s*** different day. Lather, rinse. repeat.

 

Again, when you see a number that does not register or if you see her number, do not answer/block.

Edited April 17, 2013 by geegirl

[geegirl]

In a way, I have a feeling you love the attention and ego stroke you are getting from this, especially the opportunity to have sex with no strings attached.

 

If I was being harrased and stalked like this, I would be running the other way, avoiding every possible way of making contact with that person. I wouldn't be meeting and having sex, no matter who, what, when, how.

[ThatJustHappened]

OP, if you're truly worried that she will hurt herself, why haven't you called the police and had her committed yet?

 

I agree with geegirl..I think you're enjoying this.

[MidwestUSA]

I agree with gg and TJH. Someone is also enjoying getting these responses from a bunch of strangers on the net. My troll alarm is going off.

[Seachelle1]

I think you're enjoying this.

 

You're whining about what lack of control she has but you can't stop yourself from having sex with her? You have no responsibility?

 

Dude, grow up! You're being gross.

 

I'd like to hear her side of the story.

[TaraMaiden]

I never initiate anything though. She begs to meet up with me and says we can be just friends, then when we are together she is all over me and initiates sex. And if I say that I don't want to meet her, she gets absolutely hysterical and threatens to hurt herself and makes me feel very guilty. She sometimes even goes out to clubs and gets wasted and drunk-calls me acting hysterical, I am obviously worried about her at these times and its hard for me to ignore her in these situations.

 

You idiot.