How do u deal with the thought of never hearing from that person again?

[Starrdust]

Hi,

 

I was dumped about two weeks ago, and have kept no contact now for 4 days. I wrote a post in here called " bf dumped me - will he ever contact me again".

 

I'm really struggling with the idea that I may never hear from him again in my life. It kinda feels like someone has died ( I know that's extreme) but worse I was left out of choice.

 

Basically I think he wanted space, but instead of giving it I texted him like crazy out of desperation which drove him away and dumped me. I wish I could rectify my needy behaviour during that period but I can.

 

I need to accept that I may never see or speak to him again. How do I do that?

 

I'd appreciate any advice

[guysmily25]

The pain you are feeling is very similar to the loss of a loved one, but the thing that died is your relationship. Its ok to mourn its loss, because it was something special to you that just isn't there anymore. Believe me, I know that pain in the very core of my being, and I feel it every day.

 

The past is the past, and I would like to change some of my behavior too but we can't. You may still be able to talk to him again some day, but only when both of you have finished mourning the death of the relationship.

 

Think of it like like reading a book. You enjoy the book, and are totally absorbed in it, but then it suddenly ends. If it is a truly wonderful book, you'll wish that it wasn't over. No matter how much you go over the pages of that book again though, it isn't in your power to make it any longer.

 

I know your ex was probably awesome to you, and mine was the most important person to me for a long time. You and I both need to go find another book. The perfect book for us will never end

[Infnitysign]

You want him to talk to you again? Easy go out have fun and be optimistic and charismatic. Hang out with your friends and take pictures and don't talk about how much you miss him to your friends because they will probably tell your ex bf. Then he would definitely have the power and control in the break-up. Just enjoy your time apart from him and sooner or latter he will notice that he took you for granted and its human nature to "want what you can't have".

 

So stop being so sad and down all the time and go out and have fun even though its hard.

 

Dont check his facebook or stalk him because that will just hurt you even sometimes not knowing will save you alot of pain and suffering.

 

Good luck.

[mcdo]

Eventually you'll get used to the idea that you won't hear from him. In fact, you will get to a point where you will not want to hear from him (honestly, you will!).

 

I had that exact same feeling - and still do to some extent - that person that was my everything was dead. guysmily25 is right, it's the relationship that's dead. It was a beautiful thing and you're going to grieve it now. And allow yourself to grieve, it's important to get it all out.

 

I also did the "text message terrorism". And yes it is pretty much the worst thing you can do. But forget about it, what's done is done. Go back to NC. Strict NC.

 

And trust me, a state of low or regular contact is HELL!!! You really don't want this. Avoid it at all costs. You're a million times better off not hearing from him.

[k1380]

I feel the exact same way. My ex left out of the blue about about a month ago, nothing but a note that gave no clear reason. I have not spoken to him in person or over the phone about it at all. I went nc about a week later, after a few texts, as I was not getting any answers.

 

The thought of him never wanting to speak to me again kills me. I tell myself I will, and it gets me through the days at this point. I also know its not good to keep waiting if it stops you from living.

 

I do have this though. I went through a breakup once before and went OFF the rails that time, called him every name in the book. I'm still shocked at the mean things I said but I was hurt. We didn't speak for 5 years! One day something reminded me of him and I dropped a message saying I want nothing from you I just thought of you and hoped you are well. He was thrilled, we talked a lot, he even said he wouldn't be opposed to trying again. Of course by then I was completely over him and had no desire for such a thing. Today he is one of my closest friends.

 

So I guess what I mean to say is, you never know what the future holds. You may speak again but move on and get over him completely before you make any moves. If he hasn't come to you by then you will be ok either way.

 

Know you aren't alone in your pain. Hell its been over a month for me and I have yet to make it a day without crying. We will get through this, we have to.

Edited April 11, 2013 by k1380

[Starrdust]

Every one of you that have replied to this post have given me the most honest constructive advice that I be ever been given. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

 

The fact that so many of you have been in similar situations gives me hope and inspires me to be strong and learn to love myself.

 

I made absolute mistake about ten minutes ago, I text him saying " how are you", no reply and I get the feeling there will be no reply. How much damage has that text done?

[guysmily25]

Every one of you that have replied to this post have given me the most honest constructive advice that I be ever been given. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

 

The fact that so many of you have been in similar situations gives me hope and inspires me to be strong and learn to love myself.

 

I made absolute mistake about ten minutes ago, I text him saying " how are you", no reply and I get the feeling there will be no reply. How much damage has that text done?

It did some damage to you because you are now hoping for a reply, but it didn't do any damage to anything else. Like we've said above, the relationship is dead. You can't do damage to the deceased.

 

It just tortures you to text him, so avoid it for your own sanity and recovery!

[Infnitysign]

Every one of you that have replied to this post have given me the most honest constructive advice that I be ever been given. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

 

The fact that so many of you have been in similar situations gives me hope and inspires me to be strong and learn to love myself.

 

I made absolute mistake about ten minutes ago, I text him saying " how are you", no reply and I get the feeling there will be no reply. How much damage has that text done?

 

I'll give you the details right now...

 

1. Negative response

2. No response

3. Neutral

4. Enthusiastic

 

Negative response-Example- Stop testing and calling me its getting awkward

(This is the most damaging response you can get and the worst it is best to wait and initiate NC and no facebook stalking for 3-4 weeks)

 

No Response-Example- "no response" lol

(This is not as bad, but you should still wait 2-3 weeks and initiate NC and no facebook stalking)

 

Neutral-Example- OK, cool, sure, yeah, and so on. This is a one word answer to your text

(Dont reply right away and wait 24-36 hours before msging back and send an open msg and not a question or a EMO msg like "i love you or i miss you" nothing like that. Maybe something like "a tv show you both watch or the crazy weather"

 

Enthusiastic-Example- I've been doing really great and keeping myself busy.

(Match their enthusiasm and talk about positive things and dont bring up the past relationship and dont be EMO and be the first one to end the conversation after 10-15 minute max)

Be polite and say that you have to go to the gym in ten minutes and tell them you'll catch up some other time.

[Damsel in Distress]

The damage of that text is just that emotional tailspin to YOU.

 

I am in the same situation and I know how horrible that feeling is of being ignored by someone who used to love you, as if you don't exist. It's hard

 

I'll share my story just so you can see you aren't alone in this experience.

Back in February my relationship was going fine. The day after Valentine's Day we were texting and he said brb.... then never came back. Two weeks later i got an email saying he met somebody and nothing had happened yet but he was very interested and did I want to call and talk about it. He was very confused and said he wasn't ready to break up with me because he didn't want to hurt me, but he likes this local girl so much and was just very confused. We talked a few hours - I was blindsided but didn't get emotional - just got details of how this had happened and how he was feeling. He thanked me for calling and said call any time. And that was it. His last words haunt me "Any time, Damsel, any time."

 

I tried calling a few times at the beginning and was surprised when he didn't answer. After the second time I realized he was ignoring me, and I felt so powerless and shocked that he would do that. I was going absolutely out of my mind crazy that he was refusing to speak to me and was having crazy urges to FORCE him to speak to me. I had never heard of NC, but I knew I couldn't force him to speak so I started googling and found LS which has helped me immensely. Going no contact has helped so much. I'm not longer trying to contact him and then getting whipped by the belt of rejection every time. It's been 6 weeks now and not a word from him, and I am beginning to believe I will never hear from him again. It still hurts, but after 6 weeks of NC, I'm much better able to accept that this was all he was capable of.

 

It still makes no sense to me that somebody who loved me and was my best friend, and who used to be so crazy about me can turn off his feelings just like that from one day to the next. Even though he found somebody new, it's just bewildering that he was able to cut a strong connection so cleanly and not feel any need to check in or dicuss things any further, or try to end it on as civil terms as possible. I'm not wired that way and just can't understand it.

 

Oh and I wanted to address the point you made about wishing you hadn't texted him like crazy when he asked for space. I did not text like crazy - I made a couple of calls over a week period before I realized it was useless. And it did not change the outcome. I don't think there was anything that YOU could have done differently that would have produced a different outcome. If he was prepared to shut you out of his life it was going to happen whatever you did. Texting like crazy may have sped it up a bit, but I think once they ask for space they are just taking the time to get the balls to make a final clean break.

 

I'm so sorry, and I'm here to say that it does get easier to accept over time (with NC!)

[Ajax]

When the woman I was dating three years ago dropped me out of the blue I had the same separation anxiety. What if I never hear from her again? That question seemed like an insurmountable hurdle that I think prolonged the healing process.

 

Is she going to call? Is today the day? Will she want me back? Will I get a chance to tell her off?

 

Of course in all that time I never heard from her. But what ultimately helped was turning the tables, so to speak. I began to think of the situation as her never hearing from me again. And in a certain way, it was like I had some of the power back.

 

Eventually I stopped worrying whether or not I'd hear from her. It wouldn't matter if I did, because then she would be the one not getting a response. She couldn't react or reject me because I wasn't trying to talk to her.

 

Trust in No Contact. It does hurt at first, like an addict coming off a drug. But in the end it does get better and the feelings do fade.

[venusianx13]

I think the fear is actually worse than the reality.

 

You just live. Little pockets of peace keep you going, whether it be a friendly exchange with a stranger at the store, a hug from a friend or loved one, a night out with friends... these are the things that get your through until you realize you'll be okay without him.

[Starrdust]

Thank you. Your all right the no contact should be about me.

 

I got a reply, he said " I'm gd and u?" And I replied " I'm good thanks".. He said " good good " and I then said ":-)" .... Was that all ok? I know I can't read into it at all but how should I take that convo?

[Cogee]

That conversation was as neutral as it can get so be glad it didn't result in anything else. Now don't contact again!

[Infnitysign]

Dont contact him anymore after that. Be more energetic throw in some smiley emotes or laughing emotes. That will really screw with his mind and ask himself why is she so happy without me??????

[McGriff]

Stardust,

 

I know EXACTLY what you're going through! I have struggled with that question since I started NC 17 days ago. It's definitely an earth-shaking question for me. She was a huge part of my life and the hole she left was gaping. When I first considered that question, a wave of panic enveloped me. I mean my emotions were all over the place. I started rationalizing why I should break NC, planning strategies of "home run texts" (you know the one that when they read it, the fog they are in will clear up and they'll come running back to you). I had received breadcrumbs initially, and they were relieving for about an hour or so, and then reality slaps you upside the head again, and I felt worse.

 

TIME & SILENCE

 

These are the biggest weapons for the dumpee. Time and silence are your sword and shield in the battle of broken heartedness. Use them.

 

Now as for your text, you have to just stop. It was hard for me to do, so I know what you are going through. When I first started considering NC, I would make myself mad after reading her text breadcrumbs. It was almost as if she was patting me on top of my head (I really think that's the most demeaning thing someone can do to you. I don't know why, but I hate the thought of it). So look at the last text you received from him. Doesn't it wreak to you like it does to me of him patting you on the head? Get mad. You should be. Use time and silence, and get back control. Good luck!

[mcdo]

Now don't contact again!

Can't stress this enough!

 

And don't worry, none of us said it will be easy. It's not. Come and talk here if you start to get the urge.

[Infnitysign]

McGriff has a good point

 

Dont ever show that youre sad or dependent to their love because you're not and if you were then you wouldnt be on this forum looking for help.

 

Be happy,energetic,charismatic,enthusiastic, and SMILE this will attract him more than anything else. It's human nature to be with someone who is happy all the time and if you show this to him indirectly then he's yours to control.

 

 

MUHAHAHAHAHAHA

[Am4Real]

You nailed it!

 

Funny how similar our experiences and timing of events are. Like you, I reached out twice and without luck accepted I was being ignored - it doesn't take more than that for the mesage to clearly sink in.

 

In some regards I think she thinks I broke up with her, causing her to go NC. In other ways it can be construed as reverse. Either way, it's been 8 weeks of NC and all I can muster are group of hours where I can say it is getting better. I long for "days" of feeling well.

 

 

The damage of that text is just that emotional tailspin to YOU.

 

I am in the same situation and I know how horrible that feeling is of being ignored by someone who used to love you, as if you don't exist. It's hard

 

I'll share my story just so you can see you aren't alone in this experience.

Back in February my relationship was going fine. The day after Valentine's Day we were texting and he said brb.... then never came back. Two weeks later i got an email saying he met somebody and nothing had happened yet but he was very interested and did I want to call and talk about it. He was very confused and said he wasn't ready to break up with me because he didn't want to hurt me, but he likes this local girl so much and was just very confused. We talked a few hours - I was blindsided but didn't get emotional - just got details of how this had happened and how he was feeling. He thanked me for calling and said call any time. And that was it. His last words haunt me "Any time, Damsel, any time."

 

I tried calling a few times at the beginning and was surprised when he didn't answer. After the second time I realized he was ignoring me, and I felt so powerless and shocked that he would do that. I was going absolutely out of my mind crazy that he was refusing to speak to me and was having crazy urges to FORCE him to speak to me. I had never heard of NC, but I knew I couldn't force him to speak so I started googling and found LS which has helped me immensely. Going no contact has helped so much. I'm not longer trying to contact him and then getting whipped by the belt of rejection every time. It's been 6 weeks now and not a word from him, and I am beginning to believe I will never hear from him again. It still hurts, but after 6 weeks of NC, I'm much better able to accept that this was all he was capable of.

 

It still makes no sense to me that somebody who loved me and was my best friend, and who used to be so crazy about me can turn off his feelings just like that from one day to the next. Even though he found somebody new, it's just bewildering that he was able to cut a strong connection so cleanly and not feel any need to check in or dicuss things any further, or try to end it on as civil terms as possible. I'm not wired that way and just can't understand it.

 

Oh and I wanted to address the point you made about wishing you hadn't texted him like crazy when he asked for space. I did not text like crazy - I made a couple of calls over a week period before I realized it was useless. And it did not change the outcome. I don't think there was anything that YOU could have done differently that would have produced a different outcome. If he was prepared to shut you out of his life it was going to happen whatever you did. Texting like crazy may have sped it up a bit, but I think once they ask for space they are just taking the time to get the balls to make a final clean break.

 

I'm so sorry, and I'm here to say that it does get easier to accept over time (with NC!)

[Starrdust]

I wanted to say thank you to you all individual because I feel as though each of the posts have taught me something very different but true. All of the advice has made me stronger today and given me a new perspective. *BUG HUGS GUYS*

 

Even though his messages are neutral, im glad to have got a response. I feel like I can move forward on this neutral note. I know there is no going back, he wont want me back and im not sure if i could even go back after going through all this. I would still however like to remain friends with him as I do care for him and wanna see him be successful in life.

 

@Guysmily25

 

Thank you. Your explanation using a story hit me clearly that its ok to have a relationship end. I will always have memories to reflect on and mistakes to learn from. I think the most important point that hit me from your post was " past is past". That is so very true, I dont want to live in the past and im not going to torture myself for all the mistakes I made that i clearly cant change with my ex. I'm sorry that your going through this pain too, I hope that one day we can see that everything happens for a reason. Thank you again.

 

 

@Infnitysign

 

Thank you for your posts. You taught me how important it is to focus on myself which could only really come from firstly implementing no contact successfully. I liked how you explained the "text message advice", its a great little too. I think you also made a really good point that "people want what they cant get". That is so true, i hope this will become true of my ex. Thank you.

 

@mcdo

 

Thank you. You have given me confidence to know im not the only person guilty of "text message terrorism" and that i shouldnt feel guilty of reacting in that way when he wanted space. It sounds like its too quick but I am starting to feel a bit less bothered now if he doesnt bother messaging me. It just highlights that maybe im just trying to make a bad thing work. Thank you.

 

@k1380

 

Im really sorry that you have gone through something similar. Its not easy, today started tough but this forum made it easier for me. Thank you for giving me hope that maybe one day i can just be friends with my ex and not have all these terrible feelings. Still share his life but in a friend way. You are soo soo right when you say " you dont know what the future holds". I hope it holds happiness. Hopefully we will stick out the NC and get some sort of peace soon from a response or just merely getting over them.

 

@Damsel in Distress

 

Thank you for sharing your story and inspiring words. Im sorry that you've gone through this too. I think what shocks me is that so many people get dumped without being given a true explanation or a chance to work things over. You sound way to good for this guy. No decent man who has a decent bone in their body would do that. Like my ex, his behaviour is cowardly. We will get through this and thank you for making my day a little bit easier.

 

@Ajax

 

Thank you. I really appreciate the point you raised about turning the tables. I think thats a good way at looking at it. Eventually the dumper is gonna wonder why am I not being chased by her/him anymore which induces a sense of missing them. And you right, this pain is like an addiction. The NC is the only way to survive. I messed up with that today but I hope to be strong with it and carry on with NC. Thank you.

 

@venusianx13

 

Thank you for that post. Interaction with other people has helped and I'm so glad you raised up the point about the fear being worse than reality. My mind over thinks and comes up with the worst possible situation which doesnt exisit in reality, which results in me winding myself up. I will need to find pockets of peace :-) Thank you

 

@Cogee

 

Thank you. Yeah it seemed like a pretty neutral conversation and your right i need to not stick to the NC.

 

@McGriff

 

Thank you. Sorry your going through the same :-( Well done on 17 days NC! Im struggling at 4 days, hence i gave in today which wasnt really a wise move. Curiousity killed the cat i think. You have taught me how important time and silence is at having the ability to not only move on but with dignity. Yeah his "GOOD GOOD" text did seem like a pat on the head which did annoy me and kinda made me rethink why am I doing the chasing. Your right, I need to take control back. Good luck! I hope our ex's realise soon that they might be losing something special. Thank you again

 

@Am4real

 

Sorry your going through a similar situation to Damsel. 8 weeks is great for NC. Good luck and we will get through this.

 

TO YOU ALL:

 

Thank you so much. You guys have given me so much useful advice, more than I expected. Its helped me get through a very tough day and no doubt I will read these comments to help me get through the many days to come. I really do appreciate all this help and I hope for the ones that are going through heartache through that the saying " everything happens for a reason" is true.

 

Thank you

[brokengirl3]

NC day 57 here!I know exactly how you feel!!BUT look it gets easier every day.There is NO other way to heal and take your power back!i miss him too!i still afraid that i will never hear from him again although i already ignored him during NC procedure!Anw STAY STRONG!YOU ARE STRONG!We are with you!

[Starrdust]

NC day 57 here!I know exactly how you feel!!BUT look it gets easier every day.There is NO other way to heal and take your power back!i miss him too!i still afraid that i will never hear from him again although i already ignored him during NC procedure!Anw STAY STRONG!YOU ARE STRONG!We are with you!

 

Thank you. So sorry, but we will get through this and i think its amazing your on day 57. Im struggling on day 4 lol but i guess it will get easier. Thank you. You guys are truly amazing :-)

[Starrdust]

oo btw this is probably an unlikely situation but if my ex does text me.. do i reply? i know anticipation is a bad thing but was just wondering whats the right thing to do.

[Cogee]

Even though his messages are neutral, im glad to have got a response. I feel like I can move forward on this neutral note. I know there is no going back, he wont want me back and im not sure if i could even go back after going through all this. I would still however like to remain friends with him as I do care for him and wanna see him be successful in life.

.

.

.

@Cogee

 

Thank you. Yeah it seemed like a pretty neutral conversation and your right i need to not stick to the NC.

 

I'm glad the comments here have helped you. Remember also that your issues give us all a chance to reflect and think on things as well, which in turn helps us who are trying to heal! So thank you back

 

Just wanted to comment on your desire to being friends. Don't feel like this is something you have to do right now. You two obviously had a close bond at one point so it's not like you will just disappear from life and be total strangers once again. If he is open to it and you are comfortable with it, there is no reason you can't be friends again at some point in the future.

 

Having said that, you really, truly, have to stop contacting now and focus on yourself.

 

oo btw this is probably an unlikely situation but if my ex does text me.. do i reply? i know anticipation is a bad thing but was just wondering whats the right thing to do.

 

If it triggers any kind of emotion in you (heart flutter, excitement, memories of each other, etc.) then don't, because you are not ready. It will be just like your previous text where you will be anticipating his response and wondering what's going on. If you don't have any of those feelings then you can respond in a neutral way.

 

After that, if he responds again in a positive way, it's up to how you are at that point. If you are comfortable being friends then you respond as friends. But that's going to be some time away from now.

[Infnitysign]

oo btw this is probably an unlikely situation but if my ex does text me.. do i reply? i know anticipation is a bad thing but was just wondering whats the right thing to do.

 

Text wait an 30 to 60 minutes to reply

-reply with a great attitude

-let him lead the convo and give sweet and short msg

-dont bring up the past relationship

-match his enthusiasm or be more enthusiasm by 10%-15%

-be the first to end the text msg in 10-15 minute max

example( I have to go to the gym I'll ttyl bye )

 

Phone calls are different you could wait 24-36 hours before replying or pick up right away.

Depending how much you begged and pleaded and tried to reason with your ex you should wait if you both decided mutually and ended on a good note go ahead and pick up right away.

-Don't have a mono tone voice and dont be shy or awkward

-Don't EVER BRING UP THE PAST RELATIONSHIP(only if they bring it up then go ahead and give them a positive answers to their questions)

-Be energetic even if he/she isnt and talk about present events like how great your work place is or how great a movie was or how great a restraunt is, and so on and on.

-If they come out and say that they regret their decision dont be rude and reject them. (set a convenient,cheap, and a place where you guys can have a conversation)

 

Hope that helps having a strategy...

[Jord11]

I'm in day 52 nc it's hard but I'm pulling through last time we talked was feb 19th she bought me concert tickets for Xmas she texted me if I wanted them I said no do what you want with them she said ok and I said alright, that was the last time I heard anything from her, it hurts to be led on when you thought she was the one and when you did everything to make her happy, but I guess that wasn't enough, I still pissed off so I don't really want to speak to her right now, for what she has done too me, nc is hard but it's worth it and she ant worth my time anymore, we had great memories together but their memories now, hopefully one day she will text or call saying she made a mistake because I know she has, but till then it's no contact what so ever, I've disappeared from her life for good!