Suffering from being ignored and wanting to break NC

[Damsel in Distress]

I am really struggling and could use some support. I'm not usually feeling this weak, but this week I am Forgive me sounding like a wuss here but hey, that's where I am

 

ABout 5 weeks ago my ex told me very suddenly that he was interested in another girl, but felt terrible about hurting me. He even said he wasn't breaking up with me and hadn't decided what to do, but he was feeling very confused and his life is a huge mess, and he feels guilty and terrible about himself. I talked to him for a few hours, discussed how he met this girl and what had happened between them so far (phone calls). He told me he appreciated me talking with him and said to call any time. But since then he hasn't answered the phone, hasn't been online, and has clearly been avoiding any possibility of contact with me. I don't have evidence but I have to believe he is now with this girl, but does that really mean he can never speak to me again?? Not even to tell me he has moved on?

 

I am driven crazy by this refusal to have any contact and have been fighting the urge to contact him all week. Tuesday I drafted several emails and didn't send them. I want so badly to ask him why he's avoiding me, and to ask if he never plans to speak to me again. I'm not a crazy emotional woman (even though I sound like it on here sometimes!) I don't understand this pretending that I no longer exist - even if he shuts off all contact it doesn't make ME disappear - I'm still here. Does the person who loved me just a few weeks ago, and felt horrible about hurting me really have no concern whatsoever about how I'm doing?

 

Is it really so bad to ask him if this is it?? I know breaking NC is painful, but I feel like I need him to slap me down and then it will be easier to move on. Truth is he has a habit of shutting down even during the relationship, and when he's like this he is very stubborn and will not break until he's good and ready. So most likely outcome is that he will ignore any contact.

 

I'm afraid he plans never to speak to me again and I'm finding it bewildering and immature that he would refuse to speak to me. I hate being ignored and treated as if I never existed

[crimsoncurrent]

If you're feeling this insignificant while on NC, breaking NC would only amplify the sentiment. Just think through the logical repercussions of breaking NC. Say you break NC, and to your surprised, he's moved on, cultivating a relationship with someone else. Don't you think that would be demoralizing to you? I've been on NC for nearly 3 months, and if I feel the urge to break NC because of disheartening emotions, I just imagine how worst it'll be if I do. It's truly not worth it.

[McGriff]

Went through the same **** of wanting to contact her this morning. The good people here talked me down from the ledge. And they were right, it's just not worth it. It's a quick fix, and you will only be feel worse come a couple days. I got through the feelings and so can you. It passed, and now I'm glad I didn't give in. You can do it!

[blindhope]

The first days/weeks of NC are certainly near impossible. Especially when you don't know what's going on the other end. For me it was a break to figure herself out. So I pined and waited with nothing from her, no idea what was going on in her head or where we stood. And that was the worst! So I feel your pain and am truly sorry anyone would put you through that.

 

But something I found out afterwards is someone who truly loved you wouldn't put you in that situation. If there heart was yours for the taking they'd want you by their side in their toughest times.

 

In my case she had moved on and was with someone else. Never said anything to this day. She still assumes I think she's "lost" blah blah blah. But finding out she was with someone else was ironically the best thing to happen, They freed me. I was hurt and pissed, but I knew. So I hope soon you get your answer.

 

But if you don't take the time to move past him. Do good by yourself. Eat right exercise, spend time with friends and family, experience new things. Make the best of it and stay busy. All this will help you clear your mind and not be so down and hurt. I wish I could say Happy, but that's hard in these times. But it will come.

 

And in the end you never know what will happen, but at least if he is gone you didn't waste life spent on him.

[Cogee]

I'm with ya Damsel. Today I woke up with the sudden urge to contact my ex and congratulate her on her engagement. Then I thought about how it might be weird for a fresh ex such as myself, especially when she lied to me about this person she is marrying, to say something and decided against it.

 

I was thinking if she would only initiate contact and let me know that I still exist in her mind that I'd then have freedom to wish her the best. But I know those thoughts are just passing thoughts and I won't actually do anything or hear anything from her. It sucks that she is obviously the happiest she has ever in the honeymoon phase of a relationship AND getting married while I am moving on and looking for dates :/

 

Keep NC Damsel, we can do it!

[McGriff]

Cogee---that is a tough set of facts man. I can't imagine it being any worse than what you are going through. You can only get stronger from that situation.

[Damsel in Distress]

Gosh, thank you all for reaffirming that maintaining NC is imperative. It just sucks. Why do people who have happily shared their lives, their everything, suddenly no longer deserve to speak to each other, not even a hi?! How can that happen??? Even if they have moved on (even in dramatic fashion like Cogee's ex) why does it mean we have to act like our relationship never existed - how could things have fallen apart so completely that Cogee can't even acknowledge much less discuss this huge event in her life...when he used to be the most important person in her life and they discussed everything? It brings to mind that Kotye song "Somebody that I used to know" but Kotye's giving it too much credit - it's more like "You're nobody that I ever knew". I feel like I was erased from his history (yes, totally insignificant, as crimsoncurrent said!)

 

The first days/weeks of NC are certainly near impossible. Especially when you don't know what's going on the other end. For me it was a break to figure herself out. So I pined and waited with nothing from her, no idea what was going on in her head or where we stood. And that was the worst! So I feel your pain and am truly sorry anyone would put you through that.

 

But something I found out afterwards is someone who truly loved you wouldn't put you in that situation. If there heart was yours for the taking they'd want you by their side in their toughest times.

 

Blind hope I see you understand exactly where I am coming from and you describe it so well. No idea what is going on in his head or where I stand. It's cruel! and you have an EXCELLENT point about if he loved me he would WANT to include me while he's trying to figure out his life.

 

And McGriff, somehow I missed your post this morning. Sorry I wasn't here to support! Did the urge pass?? Did you do something to help it pass? Usually going to work helps me through this, but today I was in meetings all day, and being in meetings does not help. I need to be productiive to get away from these unhelpful thoughts.

 

Okay, I am crossing my fingers I can get through the morning without contacting him. When I start down this path of thinking I convince myself that I can force him to re-open at least some decent level of contact rather than this rude ignoring. (I feel like I should at least be somebody he used to know (used to love!) and not a total stranger who is not acknowledged!)

 

But when i step back I see that in his eyes I would look like a whiny toddler who stomps her foot and says "Dammit, speak to me!" ....that he can laugh at and shake his head that this toddler thinks she can control an adult. It's so tough

[Cogee]

Yeah, this experience definitely hasn't been easy. My best friends mean well when they catch me talking about her and tell me to "get over her" but they really can't comprehend what I'm going through. It's easy to say "she moved on, why haven't you" but it takes time. They also don't understand that the person I knew is acting in a way I could never have imagined.

 

It's like that poster who lost their loved one to a brain injury that changed his personality, except my ex has no such excuse. One of my best friends even jokingly asks me "what the hell did you do to your ex man? She is acting so crazy!" haha

 

Each day it's getting better. I mean, at least I am eating normally now and getting better sleep. My exercise is also returning to normal and I'm feeling better than before. Some days are definitely better than others, and some weeks too, like you Damsel.

[Damsel in Distress]

Just wanted to let everybody know that for whatever reason I woke up today in a very different place. I don't know if it was because I vented those crazy thoughts and feelings (I know I sounded crazy but had to get it out of my head), or maybe listening to the broken record of LS advice is having some effect on my brain . Today I felt almost numb and unemotional and certainly didn't feel that desperate need to make contact. Today I feel more resigned - he's gone, who cares, let some other girl suffer from his moods and disappearances. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, but I feel relieved that today I am not ruminating and obsessing

 

(I baked banana bread, made egg salad and deviled eggs, roasted a chicken and made chicken enchiladas and chicken salad, prepared a black-eyed pea/hot sausage soup to go in the crock pot for tomorrow, cut up a cantaloupe, and did 7 loads of laundry. I tell ya, for me, staying busy and productive helps. Especially on a day I don't have to go to work.)

[McGriff]

Good good good for you! I admire your strength! I'm hurting again today, but hearing about others strength is this crazy thing called heartbreak is refreshing!

[Own Worst Enemy]

then he doesn't deserve the satisfaction of you reaching out to him.

 

silence is more eloquent than the most impassioned of speeches. it really is.

[blindhope]

Push through the tough days. Talk when its rough and use your friends and this site when you have the urge to reach out to the ex. Most people on here are going through the same thing and can relate. It really does help.

[geegirl]

(I baked banana bread, made egg salad and deviled eggs, roasted a chicken and made chicken enchiladas and chicken salad, prepared a black-eyed pea/hot sausage soup to go in the crock pot for tomorrow, cut up a cantaloupe)

 

Dang! All that in one day?! And laundry!

[Damsel in Distress]

Dang! All that in one day?! And laundry!

 

I have three teenagers!

Plus I knew I'd go crazy if I didn't stay busy. Busy hands make for a quiet mind!

[geegirl]

I have three teenagers!

Plus I knew I'd go crazy if I didn't stay busy. Busy hands make for a quiet mind!

 

Goodness! My bf has three little boys and after a few hours I am beat. Bye guys, time for me to go home and nap!

 

Mmm...banana bread

 

Yes, keep the mind distracted. It's the best way to keep it from idling about the ex. You're doing all the right things. It's going to take time, and the urges will come and they'll be hard to ignore but stay NC. It's the only way to liberate yourself from these emotions.

[ThatJustHappened]

Just wanted to let everybody know that for whatever reason I woke up today in a very different place. I don't know if it was because I vented those crazy thoughts and feelings (I know I sounded crazy but had to get it out of my head), or maybe listening to the broken record of LS advice is having some effect on my brain . Today I felt almost numb and unemotional and certainly didn't feel that desperate need to make contact. Today I feel more resigned - he's gone, who cares, let some other girl suffer from his moods and disappearances. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, but I feel relieved that today I am not ruminating and obsessing

 

(I baked banana bread, made egg salad and deviled eggs, roasted a chicken and made chicken enchiladas and chicken salad, prepared a black-eyed pea/hot sausage soup to go in the crock pot for tomorrow, cut up a cantaloupe, and did 7 loads of laundry. I tell ya, for me, staying busy and productive helps. Especially on a day I don't have to go to work.)

 

Ahhhhh you're making me hungry! Want to share?

[Damsel in Distress]

Ahhhhh you're making me hungry! Want to share?

 

I daresay there is enough food here for everybody on the forum, lol.

 

And it kept my mind off my ex and the frustration of being totally ignored as if I never existed

[pruzhinki]

im in the same situation. broke up for almost 2 months, ex bf never contacted me, me neither:( cant believe he told me he care about me so much and still adore me bla bla bla(the day we broke up), then completely disappeared.

[blindhope]

I think sometimes they say that for their own good not ours. They're cowards and can't be honest. So they feed those lines and bullcrap. Then they hope we chase and wait around to stroke their egos and be their safety nets as they do their thing. But in the end its that lack of honesty that's going to let them fall on their faces when they try to fall back on these safety nets.

[destroyed4sho]

I talked to him for a few hours, discussed how he met this girl and what had happened between them so far (phone calls). He told me he appreciated me talking with him and said to call any time. But since then he hasn't answered the phone

This ^^ was his break up talk and final goodbye from his side. This is the most he could do given his maturity level. He feels that he did good, he was honest and there is really nothing more to say.

With that said, your left without closure and a bag full.of questions and sorrow. This is exactly where I was at a few.months ago. MY ex did not even give me a talk. she sent me a text and when I tried to call, she didnt even have the maturity to pick up and explain. Then when I texted back she got angry and said I dont want you, need you or care for you anymore. Leave me alone!!

Im not comparing situations but when exes have already hit the stage of not wanting you their actions seem cruel to us. But for them, its the only way to start something new...a new life a new relationshi, whatever. They dont want to harp on their past when their future seems so promising. In.your case, this guy wanted to be with this new girl and felt he needed to.give you some explanation so he wont seem like such a bad guy. So he did...and tried to.let you down easy by saying.he wasnt sure.

 

Dont contact him.He is in his honeymoon stage with.the other girl. Save your dignity and truck through this.process the best you can. You will feel better in a month, I.promise!

[Damsel in Distress]

This ^^ was his break up talk and final goodbye from his side. This is the most he could do given his maturity level. He feels that he did good, he was honest and there is really nothing more to say.

 

Destroyed, thank you for your very helpful insight. Part of me thought maybe this was his breakup talk, but I was clinging to the part where he said he was not breaking up with me and wasn't sure what he was going to do and assumed he would keep in touch until he told me he had made his decision (because he told me he would!).

 

I'll be honest, I'm feeling very sad and teary having read your words, but I needed to hear it. I didn't want to accept that that was the final breakup talk, but there was one thing he said that has been nagging me - he said "I'm never going to forget you" (and said some nice things about me and how much we've done and been through together).... during the talk I was thinking, whoa, that sounds final. But then he kept talking and sounded so unsure, specifically said he's not breaking up with me but has to straighten out his thoughts. I know he feels bad about it, but he had disappeared for two weeks before the final talk - and that is when he was making his decision.

 

I was actually feeling strong and not caring too much these past two days. I absolutely needed to hear what you said,and I thank you... but I feel crushed and now I feel like I'm back at square one The tears keep coming and I feel a huge pressure on my heart

 

But better to face it than feeling angry at him for leaving it unresolved.

I guess he handled it the best he could, and it sounds like he could have handled it worse.

[LoveB86]

Hi Damsel,

 

I saw you "like" the comment that was posted on my page. I just want to say I totally understand what you're going thru. Well although I am grieving my loss as its so fresh, I just want to say hang on tight. We will be in for a ride on this Rollercoaster, but promise we will get off this ride and start to walk away. Please stay strong and make sure you don't forget that smile!

 

Hugs to you! My story is related to your's,

you are not the only one.

[destroyed4sho]

Sorry for making you cry, I didnt.mean to. I wish I was there give you a hug <>.

I dug up an old thread that made me cry early on...but it helped me so much...maybe it will.help you too. Its called 'what do dumpers go through' from purpledust.

 

Here is a post that opened up my eyes and made me face the reality.of my situation:

Well, I’ve actually never been a dumper (been a dumpee twice), but I would assume the dumper would feel the following (of course depending on why the relationship ended)…- If the dumper has fallen out of love with the dumpee, this would have happened on a gradual and long term basis and it would’ve taken a while for them to admit their feelings even to themselves. They would start to move on / be distant emotionally (at least on the inside even if they didn’t show it at this stage) while still in the relationship- If the dumper feels there are specific reasons for wanting to end the relationship, such as the OP said about him feeling they weren’t compatible…well, this still in my opinion comes down to their feelings for their partner changing. When you’re in love and happy, you don’t even SEE any incompatibilities. It’s only once you start to notice your feelings fading or changing that specifics come into play- When the dumper acts on their feelings, whatever they may be, and actually dumps their partner, they would probably feel sadness, regret, wishing they could feel differently or that things were different, and maybe even a bit of relief- Obviously even though it’s hard for them too, they are hoping and expecting their life and happiness will improve now they are no longer in this relationship. Otherwise they wouldn’t have taken action to dump the partner. This is the biggest difference between the dumper and dumpee perspectives I think. Aside from the dumper’s feelings changing in general, they see hope for better happiness, whereas the dumpee probably does not since they most likely would prefer to stay in the relationship (or otherwise they may have been the one doing the dumping first)- The dumper may “act out” and in ways not fitting with their character, either how they’ve always been or how they were during the relationship. This may be to ignore their feelings or block them out, or to “be” someone else for a while to help the pain and to help moving on. Act totally different to “forget” how they were with their now ex-partner.- They may end up reaching back out to the dumpee because they’re now not sure they made the right decision. In my opinion, any indecision tends to mean they made the RIGHT decision. When you are happy and in love with your partner, you don’t want to break up with them, full stop. If there are problems, you work them out.- They then move on and may want to be friends with the dumpee, and may or may not understand at this stage if the dumpee cannot do this. The dumper’s feelings are now quite different to the dumpee’s in that they have moved away from the relationship, while the dumpee may still be in the couple mindset and long to go back in time, so to speak.- The final part of the process is when the dumper meets someone new and feels something for this person.

[destroyed4sho]

errr..just saw how it posted without.bullet points.....best to go on the thread and read it there.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/372235-what-does-dumper-go-through

[LoveB86]

I'll be honest, I'm feeling very sad and teary having read your words, but I needed to hear it. I didn't want to accept that that was the final breakup talk, but there was one thing he said that has been nagging me - he said "I'm never going to forget you" (and said some nice things about me and how much we've done and been through together).... during the talk I was thinking, whoa, that sounds final. But then he kept talking and sounded so unsure, specifically said he's not breaking up with me but has to straighten out his thoughts. I know he feels bad about it, but he had disappeared for two weeks before the final talk - and that is when

he was making his decision.

I was actually feeling strong and not caring too much these past two days. I absolutely needed to hear what you said,and I thank you... but I feel crushed and now I feel like I'm back at square one The tears keep coming and I feel a huge pressure on my heart

 

But better to face it than feeling angry at him for leaving it unresolved.

I guess he handled it the best he could, and it sounds like he could have handled it worse.

 

Wow I am tears as I am reading this. I know how you feel! I've been ignored with the disappeared act for 4 days with only a text msg of "i need time away". It absolutely sucks to feel like they don't care. I dont know if its another woman but ill assume for the worst.

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