Doing well, then… set back

[mtnbiker3000]

Man, last week I was feeling so so much better since my BU over 2 months ago. Long story short we were still living together until the weekend before last, but LC. Since then (8 days), NC.

 

 

Yesterday was pretty tough. Really having negative thoughts (rejection, low self-esteem, etc…) and then some crazy dreams about the ex, the BU, reconcile, etc. So weird… Woke up feeling really blue. Just not feeling that good so far this week. I know this back and forth is normal, but it is a real bummer. Today = BACK

 

 

This crap really shines a light on ones shortcomings. Ya know… She must have dumped me because of this, or that… Does a number inside one's head and can really effect ones self esteem…

[spirius]

It's a double edged sword really, isn't it? Makes you regret what you've done, but also flags up what to do differently in future.

[mtnbiker3000]

I think I am just thinking way too much about the reasons behind this. I guess it just is what it is...

[mtnbiker3000]

It's hard not to try and make connections. But that's dangerous ground...

[MushyPeas]

You're just going through the motions and this will get better It's still early days and you know what, I think it'd be a bit strange if you were completely fine and weren't doubting yourself, it says something about you that you're worrying, keep your head up.

 

Exactly what Spirius said, try to look at it positively and the only way you can do that is to recognise what went wrong and understand where you can avoid those things happening in the future, whoever you're with.

[spirius]

My current experience of this is torture but I know it will help in future. Right now I feel like I killed the relationship because of my distrust even though her actions caused it in the first place.

 

Likewise this is the first time after we've broke up that I know she is going clubbing and going to spend the night waking up worrying about what that has led to. Ho hum.

 

All we can do is acknowledge our faults, forgive ourselves and try not to do the same things wrong in future.

 

If you work out how, let me know!

[mtnbiker3000]

Having technical difficulties. Please stand by

[mtnbiker3000]

Damn it. Not working...

[mtnbiker3000]

OK, what I was trying to say:

 

Yes, I have objectively looked at things I did and did not do that had a direct impact on the outcome. As well as things she did or did not do. As well as the mere incompatibilities that started to reveal themselves more and more over the last several months. BUT, it still really gets in my head that I'm too this or too that or not enough of this or that. Flaws seem magnified…

 

 

Also, I am wondering, I am starting fresh with dealing with this since NC just 8 days ago. Or does the 2 months of LC count in my recovery?? I really hope I am a little ways past square one.

[MushyPeas]

Completely normal again, it's hard but you're just looking at your slight faults (if they even are faults) in regards to your relationship with her, which didn't work out and that wasn't just you that takes two people, so it was also her faults that caused this, incompatibilities like you said.

 

If you're able to see things about yourself that you really aren't happy with, great! you have a chance to improve them, unhindered by anyone, maybe you'll find that actually they weren't flaws, they were issues she had and that you're actually quite okay with aspects that you previously doubted (if that makes any sense)

 

You're defooooo past square one, getting out of bed the day after a break up is past square one IMO. Just take each day as it comes, try not to focus on the last few months just on the next few days/hours whatever, you're in a good strong place keep it up

[mtnbiker3000]

Thanks for the kind words. Yeah, I took the day off of work the day after the BU. Since then, I have burned a few sick hours on two separate mornings as that is the most difficult time for me. So now, I just count it as an accomplishment that I make it to work at 8:00. And, don't want to lose my job now... That would be just too much

 

So, just for therapeutic purposes, here are the things she told me and that I know I need to work on:

 

1. Listening skills (A) - I had a bad habit of interrupting or talking over her to beat her to what she was trying to say. I guess I am impatient and I often think people take too long to say what they are thinking. I just cut to the chase. This drove her crazy!!

2. Listening skills (B) - Like most men, when she would vent to me, my immediate response was to solve the problem. When all she really wanted me to do was listen and agree/comfort/support her. No fixing/solving needed. Man I wish I figured this one out way earlier, because this also really started to cause serious problems.

3. Controlling - Not about who she saw or talked to or where she went (I trusted her), but more like wanting her to do everyday things my way. Cooking, cleaning, driving, etc…

4. Critical - Quick to point out flaws in others. I am usually a positive person, but also a realist (therefore sometimes negative?)

5. Empathetic - Sometimes I need to put myself in others shoes.

 

There are more, but these are the things I am really trying to address and deal with for the future. But, seems like even if I get a handle on these, some new things will just make the next girl upset. Seems like everything I learn from one RS doesn't apply to the next. LOL!!!

[Damsel in Distress]

Mountain Biker,

While it's certainly good to do a self-examination and learn from your mistakes, it's not good to put all the blame for the failure of the relationship on you and your faults. A relationship is about compatibility. Some of the things she found fault with might be assets in another relationship. (you mention this yourself in your post).

 

I think it's probably more productive to accept that this relationship wasn't working FOR HER. Maybe evaluate yourself for any traits that YOU don't like in yourself, but really, you wouldn't have wanted to change yourself into somebody else just to be the person she needs her partner to be.

 

And maybe she gave you a laundry list of faults, but do you really think those things are the things that caused her to leave? Do those sound like deal-breakers?? (I don't see mean, abusive, liar, unfaithful on the list).

 

I don't think it can be pinned down to specific personality traits, but it's more of a general feeling... and can't be broken down into a list of things you need to change to make the relationship work.

 

Stop beating yourself up, Mountain Biker. At this point you should be focusing on building yourself up and stepping back into yourself as an independent person apart from her. Work out, eat healthy, attack projects that have been put off, de-clutter, clean, volunteer, yadda yadda... do the things that make you feel like a good productive person.

 

hang in there. No you are definitely not at square one. You've had all these weeks to start processing this loss. But no doubt moving out and NC is going to be very emotional at first. But it will get easier.

Stay strong.

[mtnbiker3000]

D in D - You are 100% correct. It really helps to have someone else tell me this. I am a very analytical person, even about my own personality and responsibility for the BU. I know it takes 2 to make a relationship work or not work. It wasn't all just me. I get that, I just sometimes have to re-convince myself And sometimes I just get in deep on why I was at fault... As everyone on here knows, it's hard not to when you have been dropped by someone who you shared so much with... I have good days and bad days. Today = BAD. Thanks for the wise and kind words. It helps!!!

[Damsel in Distress]

You aren't alone, today was a very bad day for me, too.

 

Hang in there. They won't all be like today.

[Flier]

How many people really look deeply into themselves like you do? Not many...you sound like a gem. Nobody is perfect. Many women would love to have a guy with the sensitivity that you show. Hugs...it will get better. Please don't beat yourself up. You will screw up and see faults in yourself all of your life. Unlike many people, you are willing to look at those faults and try to do better.

[Am4Real]

It must have been going around with the "full moon" or something. It was a rotten day for me too.

 

You aren't alone, today was a very bad day for me, too.

 

Hang in there. They won't all be like today.

[Am4Real]

Ref: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/382156-doing-well-then-set-back#post4731965

 

Mtnbiker,

 

You are being very hard on yourself, however, at the same time you are taking responsibility. I'm not so sure you should be taking one-hundred percent of the responsibility, but you are a healthy minded individual if you realize there is room for self-improvement and "its not all them".

 

Many posters blame the dumper without seeing the situation from their SO perspective. For some, that view is temporary while others go on "forever" not looking at themselves whether there was truly cause or not.

 

It's just a good exercise, that's all.

 

You seem to be on that path.

 

In earlier threads I recall you saying how much you cared for this person, almost smothered her with attention and care to the point she complained or made mention of it to you (or something like that...sorry I can't remember the specifics).

 

If that is so and in conjunction with the five elements of criticism you mention in your thread, is it possible "she" just wasn't happy (for her own reasons about life) and is focusing on you and your characteristics to help her feel better about herself?

 

I become suspect there is a laundry list of "partner defects" in a break-up rather than a general issue or specific issue.

 

What are your thoughts?

[westjames111]

I do the exact same thing to myself man. It is so easy to place all the blame on yourself. I actually had a bad day today too, but everyday is one step farther. I am 12 days no contact.

[destroyed4sho]

Thanks for the kind words. Yeah, I took the day off of work the day after the BU. Since then, I have burned a few sick hours on two separate mornings as that is the most difficult time for me. So now, I just count it as an accomplishment that I make it to work at 8:00. And, don't want to lose my job now... That would be just too much

 

So, just for therapeutic purposes, here are the things she told me and that I know I need to work on:

 

1. Listening skills (A) - I had a bad habit of interrupting or talking over her to beat her to what she was trying to say. I guess I am impatient and I often think people take too long to say what they are thinking. I just cut to the chase. This drove her crazy!!

2. Listening skills (B) - Like most men, when she would vent to me, my immediate response was to solve the problem. When all she really wanted me to do was listen and agree/comfort/support her. No fixing/solving needed. Man I wish I figured this one out way earlier, because this also really started to cause serious problems.

3. Controlling - Not about who she saw or talked to or where she went (I trusted her), but more like wanting her to do everyday things my way. Cooking, cleaning, driving, etc…

4. Critical - Quick to point out flaws in others. I am usually a positive person, but also a realist (therefore sometimes negative?)

5. Empathetic - Sometimes I need to put myself in others shoes.

 

There are more, but these are the things I am really trying to address and deal with for the future. But, seems like even if I get a handle on these, some new things will just make the next girl upset. Seems like everything I learn from one RS doesn't apply to the next. LOL!!!

I think this is a great post. Did you apologize for your behavior when you were in yhe relationship?

I realized some faults later and ofcourse cant apologize now.

Nobody is perfect. Everyone had faults and life is process, youcant become perfect over night. . Some people would admire #1. I actually prefer it when people are direct.

and for #2 I think women like to talk so you can agree with them. sometimes.they have selfdoubt and want some confirmation they did the rite thing. She might say ' oh my gf said this, i said that, and the house exploded'. you might say 'we have to call the fire department and fix the house!'. But what she REALLY wants you to say is 'oh you were RIGHT to say that to your gf.' and then a accuse you of not listening...

I think I was also controlling. Sometimes I would get pissed if omething didnt go my way. I would also get pissed if she went off.with her friends and didnt invite me.

I am also critical of other...i am very cynical and always try to think 5 steps ahead. Maybe the drove her crazy..idk.

 

i would say out of all five work on the empathy first. my gf was unempathetic and just didnt care much aboit my feeligs or hurt. if she didnt dump me i probably would of dumped her later on bc of this sole reason. i think she was a narcissist.

Edited March 27, 2013 by destroyed4sho

[mtnbiker3000]

Ref: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/382156-doing-well-then-set-back#post4731965

 

In earlier threads I recall you saying how much you cared for this person, almost smothered her with attention and care to the point she complained or made mention of it to you (or something like that...sorry I can't remember the specifics).

 

Well, not sure I ever smothered her. I was careful about that and really never felt the need to do so. What I think is that I just became 'un-challenging'. Especially later in the RS. She knew I loved her a great deal and would always do so. There was no challenge in me for her. Not that she was bored, but it just became predictable, I guess...

 

I do the exact same thing to myself man. It is so easy to place all the blame on yourself. I actually had a bad day today too, but everyday is one step farther. I am 12 days no contact.

 

Congrats on 12 days!!! I am on day 10 myself

 

I think this is a great post. Did you apologize for your behavior when you were in yhe relationship?

I realized some faults later and ofcourse cant apologize now.

Nobody is perfect. Everyone had faults and life is process, youcant become perfect over night. . Some people would admire #1. I actually prefer it when people are direct.

and for #2 I think women like to talk so you can agree with them. sometimes.they have selfdoubt and want some confirmation they did the rite thing. She might say ' oh my gf said this, i said that, and the house exploded'. you might say 'we have to call the fire department and fix the house!'. But what she REALLY wants you to say is 'oh you were RIGHT to say that to your gf.' and then a accuse you of not listening...

I think I was also controlling. Sometimes I would get pissed if omething didnt go my way. I would also get pissed if she went off.with her friends and didnt invite me.

I am also critical of other...i am very cynical and always try to think 5 steps ahead. Maybe the drove her crazy..idk.

 

i would say out of all five work on the empathy first. my gf was unempathetic and just didnt care much aboit my feeligs or hurt. if she didnt dump me i probably would of dumped her later on bc of this sole reason. i think she was a narcissist.

 

Apologize? Yes. But as these are personality traits, they would re-occur even after discussion/apology/etc... We both finally realized you can't change these things over night, or at all (without a lot of work) and can't expect that someone does. So, then it becomes an incompatibility.

 

Yes, being direct is good. But I think I have a desire to prove my intelligence or something. I frequently need to be the first to arrive at and voice a conclusion/answer. Maybe it's a competition thing? I dunno... Watching Jeopardy this really came out

 

#2 I completely understand and feel I have finally mastered. This will help me in the future, just a little to late with the ex. Any man reading this needs to understand this one. It is 100% true, for (nearly) all women! Don't believe me? Test it out and see for yourself. Ladies... input?

 

Never really got pissed when she went with her friends. And she allowed me the same freedom. We trusted each other in that regard. We did so, so many things together, it was often a nice break to have some alone/friends time.

 

Always tried to be very empathetic to her (maybe not 100% of the time, but most of it), and always cared about her feelings, and would never hurt her on purpose. NEVER. Not to say I didn't, just never on purpose. But maybe not always empathetic to others like friends/family/strangers/etc...

 

Vent over