treezy Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Dear everyone, I'm new in here and I just broke up with my ex boyfriend of one year last Saturday. I'm still confused about whether I did the right thing. I initiated the breakup, due to various stuff, but mainly because he had been acting cold and distant for months. At first I thought if I put up with it, things will be okay but he never changed. Saturday was the last straw so I told him maybe we should just stop seeing each other. I told him that and he said it was because he could see me as a wife, and him as a husband, and kids, but he wasn't there yet. He also added that if we survived this level of coldness, the next would be marriage but he's not at that level yet. I don't get it, I never pushed him for marriage. Anyway I told him maybe it's because I'm not the right one then. He asked if we weren't a couple would I still see him. I rejected, saying it'd be too hard for me. Then he suggested taking a timeout instead because he thinks this is worth a try and that it could go somewhere, but I rejected again, saying it'd be too much false hope for me. We broke up once before for a similar reason, and I doubt I can take another blow. I told him in this case I'll be doing NC this time and I will not be responding even if he was to look for me. He said his doors will always be opened for me, and that he might still reach out even though I said I'll not be responding. Now that is giving me false hope, and no good for my NC. I keep staring at my phone. I cried alot that night and wouldn't let him leave because I felt it was the last time I would be seeing him. He became angry and said I was the person who didn't want to meet and that he still wanted to see me. I admit I was being drama queeny that night, but I couldn't help it. I didn't hear from him since that day. I didn't look for him either. Do you guys think I'm the dumper in this scenario? Why do I feel like a dumpee? Are my actions justified or was I overreacting? Should I have agreed to the timeout instead? Do you think my ex will look for me? Sorry for asking so many questions, and thanks for reading my story.
lovelifexx Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Since he has been distant for months and then says he doesn't see you as his wife someday, it sounds like you are the "dumpee" here. Sorry.
Author treezy Posted February 8, 2013 Author Posted February 8, 2013 I think he said he sees me as a wife, but now is not the time? Thanks for the response. And I agree about me being the dumpee. Haha.
mammasita Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Dumper or Dumpee, who cares - you did the right thing. He apparently didn't have the balls to do it and started to withdraw. I'm sorry this has happened to you, and I do know how it feels. I am going through similar. My ex loves me but isnt in love with me but didn't have a problem continuing in a committed relationship. All that meant was he was with me until he found "his one". I initiated the break up talks, and he didn't fight it. I don't know whether I dumped him or he dumped me. It's actually irrelevant now. It still hurts, but honestly - its hurting less every day and I was a mess. In any case.....the best thing we can do is turn our focus onto ourselves and being happy.
Author treezy Posted February 8, 2013 Author Posted February 8, 2013 Thanks for the response. True, if he really thought this would work out, why didn't he call me the next day to ask if I still wanted to try? Maybe it's time I stopped making excuses for him and try to accept the fact that he's already checked out of the relationship way before I even thought about it. I'm sorry to know that you're going through something similar. It hurts, doesn't it, to continue investing when one party has already pulled out of the relationship? May I ask more about your breakup story? And yes, I believe for now we should focus on loving ourselves.
mammasita Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Thanks for the response. True, if he really thought this would work out, why didn't he call me the next day to ask if I still wanted to try? Maybe it's time I stopped making excuses for him and try to accept the fact that he's already checked out of the relationship way before I even thought about it. I'm sorry to know that you're going through something similar. It hurts, doesn't it, to continue investing when one party has already pulled out of the relationship? May I ask more about your breakup story? And yes, I believe for now we should focus on loving ourselves. We were together 2 years. Moved in after 2 months. Around September he dropped the "I love you but Im not in love with you" bomb. He made me believe it could work, I tried and wanted to believe it so badly. He moved out in October. I still wanted to be with him so we continued in a "committed relationship" after he moved out. A couple weeks ago I finally decided I had enough. He didnt want to marry (me) and I know that's something I would eventually like to do. You can look up my post history for more details. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/351634-dumpee-once-again-but-i-feel-like-there-glimmer-hope http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/368330-did-i-do-right-thing
Author treezy Posted February 8, 2013 Author Posted February 8, 2013 Read your story. I can't judge, but am I right to say that your ex may be afraid of commitment? Maybe he's still looking or waiting for something else to come, at the same time he didn't want to let you go. Anyway, I'm glad you chose to walk away from that. To quote my friend, you can either choose to save the relationship or you can choose to save yourself. I'm glad you chose the latter. Stay strong.
mammasita Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Read your story. I can't judge, but am I right to say that your ex may be afraid of commitment? Maybe he's still looking or waiting for something else to come, at the same time he didn't want to let you go. Anyway, I'm glad you chose to walk away from that. To quote my friend, you can either choose to save the relationship or you can choose to save yourself. I'm glad you chose the latter. Stay strong. Yes, I thing he's emotionally crippled and completely afraid of commitment. Definitely trying to stay strong. Everything happens for a reason. I (we) need to focus on ourselves!
Author treezy Posted February 9, 2013 Author Posted February 9, 2013 It's officially one week of NC today and he hasn't made any attempts to reach out to me like he promised he would. I think it's really over this time. Despite all the neglect and hurt he put me through, I still miss my ex so much. I wonder if I will get over him anytime soon. NC is hard to do.
BarbecueMan666 Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 Hi, I'm 5 weeks into a breakup with a woman I at one point was truly happy with. We haven't really talked since the breakup, it was amicable for very similar reasons to yours. - She moved away to LA, I lived in Phoenix - and, over the course of a few months she distanced herself incredibly and It wasn't making me happy, I tried to make it work, as did she to an extent, but within every regard I was giving more. Eventually after spending christmas/new years together - despite it being pleasant, it wasn't truly happy. She was very reserved and lost the ability to open up to me. With these things in my mind, even though it hurt like hell - I knew I wasn't going to be happy if things continued. While I was content and I guess "ok" with things, I think deep down she slowly didn't feel for me as strongly anymore, and that in itself would cause friction further down the line anyhow. While it's easy for me to give advice or anything online, With only a few pieces of information to go on, I can only pass on my own experiences. While content you may be, Happy you obviously weren't. Would that have changed? I'm going to guess not if it was a re-occurring theme, (as was with my relationship) - The only thing I can say is, the fact you hurt means you cared/care - that isn't a bad thing, but you shouldn't look at yourself as weak or doing the wrong thing. If you remember the happy times with your partner, they weren't what you experiencing at the end, and for a while. I obviously don't want to slam your hopes or anything like that, but what you're going through is totally normal for someone that cares, and you'll probably feel this way for a while. Just keep on going, you deserve to be happy.
Author treezy Posted February 9, 2013 Author Posted February 9, 2013 Thanks for sharing your experience with me. I'm sorry to know that you're going through the same stuff as I am. I wonder why it's always those who invested most who also suffers most. Don't you think it's quite unjustified? I agree that nothing would change even with time and space, which was why I declined his offer to do timeout. I did ask him a couple of times before if something was wrong and he said no. If he truly cared for me, I think he should have the basic courtesy to let me know that he needed some space, and not distant himself away from me like that. I have so many questions in my mind right now I have for him. I wasn't in the state of mind that night to ask him. Do you think I should call him and ask? Or do they all not matter anymore now? I'm confused. I just need some answers but I don't really intend to look for him anymore yet I don't know where else to seek them. My mood has been going up and down lately, one minute I'm sad, the next minute I'm happy. I wonder if that's all normal.
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