jwhite Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 have read many posts on here and other places. It seems that these posts are the only way I can get some confidence to deal with my BU. I try to absorb what my family and others tell me, but it is hard because they are not hurting or really understand even though they may have been through it before. SO here goes: I am 29 and she is 31 now. We met at a bar after speaking a couple of times before that. She invited me over and we slept in her bed, made out, and the relationship started about a month after because I had to tell her I loved her and wanted a relationship, not just FWB. I had a couple of red flags from things I noticed with her, my friends telling me things and such. I knew she had some previous issues and it was hard for her to get close to anybody on this level. She lost her father at 21, molested when young, and didnt have too many successful relationships. I still loved her anyway. "You are the best that I can get.", was something she said within the first six months of us being together. I say this because it still sticks with me today as I realize that I should not be proud of this statement as it indicates she wanted/wants better. Anyway, the first time we broke up was about six months in after a pregnancy scare from me. I have noticed in the past that voiceing this concern is a problem with women. We broke up, I did the whole begging thing and we got back together. Thinks were not the same after that. The frequency of sex fell off a cliff( I LOVE SEX but I have some kind of weird ED psychological problem) . Only having sex once a month and such. Attraction dipped below 50%. Things were not good and I constantly complained about it and she just replied with hurtful things everytime. She replies with hurtful things everytime I would bring up anything regarding the poor state of her being and uncaring torwards me. This cause many breakups (6 or so). Fast forward to the past two years. I, since experiencing low attraction from her, had a stint with another girl. We NEVER had sex or anything like that, but I did stay the night with her a couple of times and we made out. I felt like I had gotten revenge or whatever, but I still felt that it was wrong. I kept it to myself for over a year and a half. Some part of me thought it was ok because of the lack of anything I was recieving from my GF. I want to stress that I still felt bad for it and thought about it a lot. Two weeks ago my GF and I attended a nearby concert. We werent exactly getting along and, in a drunken rage, I got upset with her because I couldnt find her or my credit card she had, so I walked home. She stayed and ended up riding home with a guy she was talking to. I asked her about it the next morning and she said nothing happened between them. I was still pissed about it and want back to my moms that night. THe next day I went back to her I could tell that something was really wrong. We went to bed without talking and woke up really early. She said she lied to me and told me she made out with him for ten min and that she was up all night the previous night crying about it. I then told her about what I had done a year and a half prior and said that I wished she could have just found somebody to be happy with and she said the same about me. We broke up that morning and I was devistated. I went back to her place that night doing the whole begging thing again, but she just wanted to be friends. I reluntantly accepted and we had a good "freind" time together. I left and told her I would cook for her in a couple of days. When I got there my hopes for getting back together were crushed when she said she was sticking to the BU. SHe started to pack my stuff, we yelled at eachother and I left. When speaking of the getting my stuff though texts, I said there are only a couple of things I want because I dont want any reminders, she said she didnt either. I got my stuff the next day, left a lot of it and her key. I also left a letter that basically said I will always love her and told her not to contact me unless she cant take life anymore OR wants to get to know me again. So the ball is in her court. I have done NC in the past with the other breakups. She texted me after the election at 1am saying something about it. I knew she would too. I did not respond. It kinda sounded like a mass email but I was not sure bc of the time it was sent. It has bee one week since I have seen her last and two since the BU(longest ever). I have deleted her out of most everything in my life that will remind me of her. I have unfriended her on FB but I can still see her profile, and yes I check it a couple times a day. I had plans to block her so I wouldnt look at it today if she didnt text me about the election as I suspected, but she did and I have pushed back blocking her from myself since she DID text me. I want to block her tomorrow but I am scared. I dont know if I am doing well with this BU. At first I was devistated and crying everyday. I am still devistated, shaky on the inside and such, but things are changing. I think I have convinced myself 60% that she is coming back, which according to everything I have read is not good. I was at 25% before. I dont like any part of this it really hurts being alone because we had so much together. I think about her being with other guys all the time. I am scared I will find out about it and scar me for life. I REALLY want her back bad, but I dont want it to be the same. Any advice from the experts is greatly appreiciated . I need major help. I feel like I am lost
Mack05 Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 (edited) jwhite I see ALOT of similarities between your relationship and my last relationship. There is a word for it toxic. The best thing that could happen is for you both never to get back together. This union has no chance of long term happiness. It's a trainwreck. My last R was too. We met online. Told each other we loved each other after 6 weeks even though we never met! She fell out of 'love' even quicker. So many flags I just ignored. Both us sad inside looking to someone one else to make them happy. Neither of us having their emotional gaps filled in a healthy way. A relationship based in unrealistic dreams and aspirations. Better to feel loved then alone right? That's only true if you are not happy inside and the one thing I am sure about is that you are not happy in your own skin. I was codepedent (still working on that), insecure, low self esteem and very sad inside. She has bundles of issues (very abusive, shallow, selfish, complusive liar, manipulator and will forever play the victim) which she is completely oblivious too. She 'blames' and 'runs' rather then 'confronts' and 'deals'. The only guy that could possibly make her happy is a guy with the word doormat on his head, who is willing to sacrifice his own happiness to ensure hers. Even then she still won't end up in happy in the long term. She just doesn't have the ability to see this and never will. When it ends he will get the inevitable blame and see a side to her, that will shock the crap out of him. Rinse, lather, repeat. Now I knew all this, yet I stayed WAY longer then I should have. I said to myself if I can change this and that about her, then she could be amazing. How fc*&&ing dumb does that sound!? The more I would point out negative stuff (big NONO) to her the more I pushed her away. In the end it was a total trainwreck. Me thinking I couldnt get better, yet knowing she was the worst possible partner for me. Knowing I couldnt hand pick a more unsutiable match yet I still chased her...That eventually forced me to have a reality check. I knew she was no longer the issue. I was.. Dude you need to get out. You need to focus why on earth would you want to go back to this relationship? If you had high self esteem, if you were happy inside you would run away and never look back. Do you think you are codepedent? To me in this relationship you have two emotionally unhealthy people, who look to the other to make them happy. Who look to the other to fill the large emotional gaps. This is a receipe for disaster. The road back is a nightmare. I won't lie. It took my ages to move forward. Excercise and journalling was a huge thing, as well as talking things through with family. Excercise is an incredible help to make you feel better in yourself. When you are sad its even harder. I went from 240 to 175 and have maintained that. Journalling and reading what I wrote back regulary, helped me to start thinking logically. Reading self help books I found very beneficial. The hardest part about becoming happy in yourself is how slow it takes! It is a long hard slog to turn yourself into the person you want to be. I've 10 months done but still not finished. This girl is no good for you. The problem here is you can't let go even though it is the best thing you could do for yourself. She will never make you happy. You won't make her happy. Thee best thing you can do is NC (NEVER break it, no matter what) and self improvment, but when are addicted to someone (as you are) that is so hard to do. I think you need to do what I did. Hit rock bottom a few times before finally looking up. My future is bright, but f%$%$£ its been hard work and continues to be.. Any of these articles ring a bell? Bet they do.. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder http://gettinbetter.com/waif.html http://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles.htm http://www.bpdcentral.com/borderline-disorder/bpd-relationships/ http://gettinbetter.com/anatomy.html http://gettinbetter.com/salt.html http://gettinbetter.com/key.html This is not about her though. Its about you and when you have a clear undertsanding of exactly what this entails, then you can start to move forward positively in your life..It HAS to be without her though. Edited November 8, 2012 by Mack05 1
21flames Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 You have just summed up my ex and are relationship too a Tee! I don't beleive I'm co depentdant tho never begged her or anything either, but your story is freaklly similar. If you get chance have a read http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/351134-unbelievable-exit-story#post4315838
Author jwhite Posted November 8, 2012 Author Posted November 8, 2012 Mack- Thank you so much for the post. You descibed how I think of myself perfectly. I do have self esteem problems and I am scared that I dont know how to change that. I also feel co-dependent as well and dont know how to change that either. It seems like I have been that way for 15 years because I know no different. Even though I think I still have the friends I lost before we got together, I still feel scared of meeting new people because I dont feel my conversation is good enough. Borderline boring. I think that is why she and I clicked so well too. Both of us are boring and only care about "adult stuff" news, politics, school, career ect... I dont want to be that way. I get along with my friends just fine, but they seem like they have more fun with eachother bc they like to goof and such BTW. You trying to change her and being a doormat describes everything to the tee. It was EXACTLY like that! I cant help but think I hate her for it sometimes as I tried so freaking hard to change the way she treated me.
21flames Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 jwhite I see ALOT of similarities between your relationship and my last relationship. There is a word for it toxic. The best thing that could happen is for you both never to get back together. This union has no chance of long term happiness. It's a trainwreck. My last R was too. We met online. Told each other we loved each other after 6 weeks even though we never met! She fell out of 'love' even quicker. So many flags I just ignored. Both us sad inside looking to someone one else to make them happy. Neither of us having their emotional gaps filled in a healthy way. A relationship based in unrealistic dreams and aspirations. Better to feel loved then alone right? That's only true if you are not happy inside and the one thing I am sure about is that you are not happy in your own skin. I was codepedent (still working on that), insecure, low self esteem and very sad inside. She has bundles of issues (very abusive, shallow, selfish, complusive liar, manipulator and will forever play the victim) which she is completely oblivious too. She 'blames' and 'runs' rather then 'confronts' and 'deals'. The only guy that could possibly make her happy is a guy with the word doormat on his head, who is willing to sacrifice his own happiness to ensure hers. Even then she still won't end up in happy in the long term. She just doesn't have the ability to see this and never will. When it ends he will get the inevitable blame and see a side to her, that will shock the crap out of him. Rinse, lather, repeat. Now I knew all this, yet I stayed WAY longer then I should have. I said to myself if I can change this and that about her, then she could be amazing. How fc*&&ing dumb does that sound!? The more I would point out negative stuff (big NONO) to her the more I pushed her away. In the end it was a total trainwreck. Me thinking I couldnt get better, yet knowing she was the worst possible partner for me. Knowing I couldnt hand pick a more unsutiable match yet I still chased her...That eventually forced me to have a reality check. I knew she was no longer the issue. I was.. Dude you need to get out. You need to focus why on earth would you want to go back to this relationship? If you had high self esteem, if you were happy inside you would run away and never look back. Do you think you are codepedent? To me in this relationship you have two emotionally unhealthy people, who look to the other to make them happy. Who look to the other to fill the large emotional gaps. This is a receipe for disaster. The road back is a nightmare. I won't lie. It took my ages to move forward. Excercise and journalling was a huge thing, as well as talking things through with family. Excercise is an incredible help to make you feel better in yourself. When you are sad its even harder. I went from 240 to 175 and have maintained that. Journalling and reading what I wrote back regulary, helped me to start thinking logically. Reading self help books I found very beneficial. The hardest part about becoming happy in yourself is how slow it takes! It is a long hard slog to turn yourself into the person you want to be. I've 10 months done but still not finished. This girl is no good for you. The problem here is you can't let go even though it is the best thing you could do for yourself. She will never make you happy. You won't make her happy. Thee best thing you can do is NC (NEVER break it, no matter what) and self improvment, but when are addicted to someone (as you are) that is so hard to do. I think you need to do what I did. Hit rock bottom a few times before finally looking up. My future is bright, but f%$%$£ its been hard work and continues to be.. Any of these articles ring a bell? Bet they do.. Borderline personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia BORDERLINE WAIFS AND UNSUNG HEROES; Rescuing The Woman Who Doesn't Want To Be Saved. T1 How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves Why BPD relationships are so complicated - BPD Central IF LOOKS COULD KILL - Anatomy of a Borderline SALT TO THE WOUND - Moving Beyond Your Borderline Break-up COULD MY BPD LOVER BE RIGHT ABOUT ME?? The Borderline and You This is not about her though. Its about you and when you have a clear undertsanding of exactly what this entails, then you can start to move forward positively in your life..It HAS to be without her though. They all ring a bell, she defiantly has the Borderline Disorder. Do people with this eventually get help or just go all through life with it?
Author jwhite Posted November 8, 2012 Author Posted November 8, 2012 Can you PM anyone on this forum? I want to PM Mack05 to ask if the Borderline is descibing myself or my EX.
21flames Posted November 9, 2012 Posted November 9, 2012 Well have you read the symptoms in that link? It's your ex 1
Author jwhite Posted November 12, 2012 Author Posted November 12, 2012 I want to check her FB status NOW even though I blocked her. Should I? Will it help?
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