So I find other people attractive and it's a deal breaker

[OhMittens]

Do most people when in a relationship just stop being attracted to other people all together? I didn't watch porn, I didn't think of other people when we were being intimiate... hell I didn't even think of other people when I took care of myself.

 

I tried and tried to not find other people attractive. I kept myself out of situations where I was around people, I looked the other way or at the ground, I tried to find flaws in people before I could even find them remotely attractive. I tried but it just didn't stop and I'm not sure it's so unnatural to not suddenly stop finding other people attractive once you are a in a relationship. It's not like it constantly consumed my thoughts or I lost focus on her because some pretty girl walked by. I didn't sit around turning my head for people or anything else like that.

 

She says she can't be happy in a relationship where both people can not be 100% dedicated to one another. She feels like she isn't enough for me just because I find other women attractive. I'm not a cheater and would never betray someone like that.

 

4.5 years down the drain because I'm attracted to other people?

 

Anyone have any advice or comments on this?

[Rinas]

It sounds like controlling and ridiculous expectations. You shouldn't have to suffer due to her insecurities.

 

I know that my future partners will be attracted to others, even look at others. As long as they don't cheat on me and can respect certain boundaries, then I'm not going to complain about it.

 

Were humans, not robots, we don't have an off switch.

 

If anything, you dodged a bullet in that sense.

[OhMittens]

I understand a little jealousy, hell I'd be a bit jealous if someone I was with was doing the same. But I wouldn't consider it a deal breaker. It's not like I was obsessed with other people. I also always gave plenty of complements to her just because I always want the person I'm with to know how much they mean to me and how I feel about them.

 

It's just sad that this has to be a reason that things have to end. I gave her everything. We had a house, pets, plans for marriage, and pretty similar views on how we wanted to build our future. On top of that I feel like I was willing to bend a lot more than the average person and really put in a lot of effort.

 

But when we were talking about how she couldn't be in a relationship where her partner found other people attractive and if I was attracted to other people she couldn't be happy with me I felt like she put the blame on me. It was "I'm sorry you feel the need to look at other women" and "I'm sorry that I couldn't be enough for you".

 

Of course I apologized and cried saying I didn't mean to be attracted to other people and I tried to not be. She didn't go the route of "I can not accept this so I am ending this relationship" she went with "You can't stop doing something that is wrong so your choices are ending this relationship".

 

Why did it have to be my fault? I sat there and I was honest with her about everything. I knew how important it was to her and instead of lying and telling her that I didn't find other people attractive (as I'm sure other guys would) I was honest with her and made sure she knew everything.

 

The best I got from her after all my tears was that we were just not compatible in that way and that she needs someone who can be 100% dedicated to her in that way.

[Casablanca]

That girl is unrealistic, or it was a cop-out ....everyone is still attracted to others...heck every meaningful relationship I have had we talked about our celebrity crushes....I am always checking out the menu if I'm dating someone, I just am not gonna order, or if I'm with her; I just like to appreciate attractive women like fine art or something

[JHS]

Do most people when in a relationship just stop being attracted to other people all together? I didn't watch porn, I didn't think of other people when we were being intimiate... hell I didn't even think of other people when I took care of myself.

 

I tried and tried to not find other people attractive. I kept myself out of situations where I was around people, I looked the other way or at the ground, I tried to find flaws in people before I could even find them remotely attractive. I tried but it just didn't stop and I'm not sure it's so unnatural to not suddenly stop finding other people attractive once you are a in a relationship. It's not like it constantly consumed my thoughts or I lost focus on her because some pretty girl walked by. I didn't sit around turning my head for people or anything else like that.

 

She says she can't be happy in a relationship where both people can not be 100% dedicated to one another. She feels like she isn't enough for me just because I find other women attractive. I'm not a cheater and would never betray someone like that.

 

4.5 years down the drain because I'm attracted to other people?

 

Anyone have any advice or comments on this?

 

Being attracted to someone is one thing but just finding someone interesting or beautiful is another. Maybe you could use different words to describe your reactions to these things. When you see a nice car, beautiful painting, interesting building, Rinas' beautiful picture, a gorgeous sunset, etc., it catches your eye and appeals to you. You do the same thing with people. If it's a guy you think is good looking, you might look. But that doesn't mean you're attracted to him sexually (assuming you're not homo or bisexual). And I bet she doesn't have a problem with things like that and I bet she'd agree that you finding something interesting looking or beautiful doesn't mean you're not 100% committed to her. But when it's a female, the hackles raise. It seems to me that a 4 year relationship should not end over something like that. Try to work it out.

Edited July 18, 2011 by JHS

[OhMittens]

And I've tried many times to explain that. I've been fighting this battle for a long time.

 

I kept trying to talk to her last night, I cried and held onto her. I went on about the future we wanted, that she wanted. All she said was that I was just making things harder for the both of us and that if I don't stop looking at other people the relationship can't continue. I'm not going to lie to her and tell her that I can magically not find other people attractive or tell her that I think it's going to magically stop because if it hasn't in all this time then I sure don't think it will.

 

I don't think I should be the one to take all the blame though. It shouldn't be "Because you can't stop doing this I can't be with you" and "I'm sorry I couldn't be enough for you". I gave her everything else in life she wanted.

 

And when we've broke up before (mind you, we lived in the same house during) I sat around miserable. She on the other hand hopped right out into the dating field. We were apart less than 2 weeks last time and was dating a couple days later and kissing other guys while I've not even been able to fathom the thought. If she thinks I'm so not dedicated why is she the only person I have ever been with? She has been my first and my only everything, yet I'm not dedicated. In the time we were apart she dated many guys yet I never went on one date and I always found myself begging for her to come back.

 

Yea, I always wanted her to be my only everything. But I wasn't dedicated enough apparantly because I still found other women attractive. I'm not going to beg anymore, I'm just going to accept it. She is going to have to make the first move if she wants things to work out. I'm not without flaws but I deserve to be treated better than this and for all of my effort to mean something. I bought her a house, I've worked hard, I make time for romance and made her the number one priority in my life. Anytime she wanted something I was never able to say no. I worked hard, worked the budget, and made things happen. I'm done trying to make everyone else happy, if someone isn't happy with who I am then too bad. I'm attractive, successful, intelligent, and still quite young (24). I think I'll be ok in this life.

[JHS]

Again, I think you should avoid using the word "attractive" when describing your feelings. And maybe kiss her a$$ a little and say something like, "You know I only have eyes for you..." or something. I find that when women get into this nuts mode - everything you do is the wrong thing. Maybe she is not being honest - meaning that no matter what, she wants to end it and is using this as a pre-text.

 

(Not to hijack your thread but I went through something like that. The girl was just making stupid **** up and nothing I could say could get her to be rational. When she finally figured out that I was out of there, she told me I didn't fight hard enough for her....)

[Afishwithabike]

I've been married for over ten years and believe me I still find other men attractive. My husband knows this. It's not some secret. Heck, I've even comment to him when we're out somewhere about guys who walk by us. In the same way, he feels free to comment to me about someone on TV or in a public place. We're just window shopping. We're not buying.

 

I expect him to notice other women. He's going to find other people attractive. He's married. Not dead.

 

There's nothing wrong with finding someone else attractive so long as you don't act on that attraction and do something inappropriate.

[Afishwithabike]

And I've tried many times to explain that. I've been fighting this battle for a long time.

 

I kept trying to talk to her last night, I cried and held onto her. I went on about the future we wanted, that she wanted. All she said was that I was just making things harder for the both of us and that if I don't stop looking at other people the relationship can't continue. I'm not going to lie to her and tell her that I can magically not find other people attractive or tell her that I think it's going to magically stop because if it hasn't in all this time then I sure don't think it will.

 

I don't think I should be the one to take all the blame though. It shouldn't be "Because you can't stop doing this I can't be with you" and "I'm sorry I couldn't be enough for you". I gave her everything else in life she wanted.

 

And when we've broke up before (mind you, we lived in the same house during) I sat around miserable. She on the other hand hopped right out into the dating field. We were apart less than 2 weeks last time and was dating a couple days later and kissing other guys while I've not even been able to fathom the thought. If she thinks I'm so not dedicated why is she the only person I have ever been with? She has been my first and my only everything, yet I'm not dedicated. In the time we were apart she dated many guys yet I never went on one date and I always found myself begging for her to come back.

 

Yea, I always wanted her to be my only everything. But I wasn't dedicated enough apparantly because I still found other women attractive. I'm not going to beg anymore, I'm just going to accept it. She is going to have to make the first move if she wants things to work out. I'm not without flaws but I deserve to be treated better than this and for all of my effort to mean something. I bought her a house, I've worked hard, I make time for romance and made her the number one priority in my life. Anytime she wanted something I was never able to say no. I worked hard, worked the budget, and made things happen. I'm done trying to make everyone else happy, if someone isn't happy with who I am then too bad. I'm attractive, successful, intelligent, and still quite young (24). I think I'll be ok in this life.

 

Forgive for saying this, but you seem to giving too much emotionally without getting much in return. It's not an attractive quality in a man. At least not to me.

 

She might be truthful when she says she doesn't want you to think of others, but it smacks to me of thought control and insecurity. And how dedicated can she be to you if she's dating and kissing others the two weeks you were apart?

 

You're 24. You're young. If she's your first for everything, you should go out and have some fun. Don't settle down right away. Sometimes problems pop up later in midlife when one gets married too soon. You start regretting the missed opportunities you could have had in your youth. You need to live a little, date some more, have fun with others. Sow your wild oats.

Edited July 18, 2011 by Afishwithabike

[samm84]

Is this girl for real? How can she expect you not to find other people attractive?

 

Ok, I can understand her frustration if your randomly voicing every attraction you have for other girls to her, but it seems like she's expecting way to much from you! Your allowed to look, but not touch.

 

I agree with a few previous recommendations, one of which being to just humor her. Tell her she is the only one for you, or that she's the most beautiful girl you have ever seen.

 

If she carries on giving you trouble, flip things around for a while, because I can guarantee she finds other men attractive. It's human nature.

[OhMittens]

Ok, I can understand her frustration if your randomly voicing every attraction you have for other girls to her, but it seems like she's expecting way to much from you! Your allowed to look, but not touch.

That's the thing, I never made comments about it because it was meaningless to me. I didn't obsess over anyone and a half second glance is nothing that I would call too much. She wanted honesty and I respect her enough to give that to her. She asked if I look at other women and I said that I do but it doesn't mean anything to me, it just kinda happens. She doesn't seem to understand this and says she can not have any sort of relationship with someone who looks at other women. I don't obsess, I don't dive into a deep fantasy, and I don't remember them shortly after seeing them.

 

I agree with a few previous recommendations, one of which being to just humor her. Tell her she is the only one for you, or that she's the most beautiful girl you have ever seen.

She knows she is the only one for me, and that she is the most beautiful person in my eyes. But the response I get when I tell her this is "well if I'm the one you're most attracted to then why would you need to look at other people?".

Edited July 19, 2011 by OhMittens

[carhill]

So, she's your first relationship and she apparently isn't that invested, given her activities of acting on attractions immediately after breaking up.

 

Time to get more and diverse relationship experience.

 

IMO, the 'others being attractive' is just an excuse for her to rationalize her detachment. If it wasn't that, it would be something else.

[Graceful]

That's the thing, I never made comments about it because it was meaningless to me. I didn't obsess over anyone and a half second glance is nothing that I would call too much. She wanted honesty and I respect her enough to give that to her. She asked if I look at other women and I said that I do but it doesn't mean anything to me, it just kinda happens. She doesn't seem to understand this and says she can not have any sort of relationship with someone who looks at other women. I don't obsess, I don't dive into a deep fantasy, and I don't remember them shortly after seeing them.

 

She knows she is the only one for me, and that she is the most beautiful person in my eyes. But the response I get when I tell her this is "well if I'm the one you're most attracted to then why would you need to look at other people?".

I don't usually pounce like this, but I'm in one of my moods, so here goes: you have a certifiable nutter on your hands.

 

I mean, who goes through life without enjoying a little eye candy? Who goes through life with blinders? Even my parents used to make jokes about looking at other people (my mother thought the husband of her best friend was very handsome, and my Dad agreed and thought it was funny!)

 

If you cannot take this sort of thing as part of life, part of being human, partly in good fun, and subscribe to "look but don't touch" and enjoy the ride, then why would you even want to be with someone like that?

 

What's next? You can't watch TV? Can't go to a concert b/c you'd be looking at a hot chick in the band?

 

Tell this person this is crazy shizz, it makes no sense to you (or anyone NORMAL), that she needs therapy for her insecurity, and that you're just not going to spend any more time debating this nonsense.

 

Done and done. Stand up for yourself. Life's too short. Seriously.

[KathyM]

None of us really knows how you act towards others, and can't see the real picture. Obviously, your SO is seeing and hearing your behavior, we aren't. It's certainly understandable that you would find other women attractive, but you have to be careful how you act on that. You shouldn't be openly oggling other women while with your SO. It makes your SO uncomfortable, and is disrespectful of her feelings. You shouldn't be flirting with other women. You shouldn't be commenting on other women's bodies to your SO. You shouldn't be looking at porn. You've made your wife insecure, because you seem to have a lot of interest in other women, and how they look. Of course, if she is fishing for or trying to track your interest in admiring other women, then she's gone too far. Such as cross examining you on whether you think so and so is good looking, and then blasting you if you say that they are. Some women are insecure and will try to set up their husband and expect them to deny that someone is attractive, which is unrealistic. Of course, the smartest (and most happily married) men I've seen know how to behave and make their wife feel like she's the only woman in the world. They barely give another woman a glance. They see an attractive woman on TV, and they tell their wife, that girl can't hold a candle to you, dear. I get the impression you're the oggling type and make too many comments to your wife about other women's appearance. You'd be wise to stop that. Doesn't mean you can't admire, just don't be obvious about it, and don't call attention to it with your wife.

[samm84]

I think everyone here is trying to gauge who is in the wrong.

 

You claim that you are not voicing your attraction of other women to her... Unless she demands that you do, in which case you feel the honesty is the best policy. Fair enough.

 

I'm guessing that you weren't spending huge amounts of time ogling other women when you were in her company either.

 

 

I'm going to be blunt - she just sounds like a pain in the ass. Many have suggested that she is searching for a reason to break up.

 

She doesn't sound very nice either way.

[Yona88]

This is really silly. I know, because I've been in this situation as the girl who's felt the same way. I think these are pure self esteem issues. She doesn't feel "good enough." These are HER issues.

 

Maybe encouraging her to do things to make herself feel better might help? Things to raise her confidence. I think confidence is key here to overcome this.

[Afishwithabike]

None of us really knows how you act towards others, and can't see the real picture. Obviously, your SO is seeing and hearing your behavior, we aren't. It's certainly understandable that you would find other women attractive, but you have to be careful how you act on that. You shouldn't be openly oggling other women while with your SO. It makes your SO uncomfortable, and is disrespectful of her feelings. You shouldn't be flirting with other women. You shouldn't be commenting on other women's bodies to your SO. You shouldn't be looking at porn. You've made your wife insecure, because you seem to have a lot of interest in other women, and how they look. Of course, if she is fishing for or trying to track your interest in admiring other women, then she's gone too far.

 

I think you might have misread his posts. He says in his first post that he's not looking at porn. He also says they talked about marriage. It doesn't sound like this woman is his wife. Sounds like they were in a long term relationship headed for marriage.

[OhMittens]

I've made my share of mistakes throughout the relationship (feel free to read my older posts) and I was no where near perfect. She did put a lot of effort into things and if I have misled anyone into believing that she didn't put effort in I am sorry. I knew how much it bothered her and I felt like being honest with her was the best way to help me get past this issue so there was a time when I did share what I thought with her as I felt like voicing it out would help me get past it. She wasn't a psycho or anything like that, just a woman who feels that it's not ok to have those sorts of thoughts about other people while in a relationship. When we were apart she had a right to do whatever she wanted with whoever she wanted and that was not really relevant to anything here. I guess I just brought up other things because I am so emotional right now, guess I just wanted to hear that I was right. But I'm sure I'm not the only one who has ever done that.

 

I don't think she was looking for a way out of the relationship and we really both did try hard for a very long time. In the end it is just an incompatibility and we both have a right to feel the way we feel. I truly wish her nothing but happiness and hope she can find someone that matches up with her and makes all of her dreams come true.

 

I know I have my own issues to work through and I have to learn from all of the mistakes I made in the relationship and need to work on my own self esteem issues. My main goal is to accept myself for who I am and let the goodness inside of me out.

[run4life]

There are two sides to every story, so why don't you think about that before being so quick to judge. First of all, he has conveniently left out the part about how he has admitted to purposely trying over the entire course of our relationship to make me jealous and insecure so that he felt like i needed him, how he would purposely give just enough to always make me want more. He also severely underplayed his attraction toward other people. I'm not stupid, I know that everyone is gonna notice people as attractive but there are varying degrees to it. To me, when we are out somewhere together supposed to be spending time together, and he is oggling, lusting after, and fantasizing about other women, then that crosses a line. It is fine to notice that people are attractive, but I feel like if you are devoted to the person you love then it should not go beyond that and you shouldn't need to lust after other people or fantasize about them. And yes, even though he claims that he's not watching porn now, he did watch it pretty obsessively throughout the course of our relationship, and continued to lie to me about it, and has also recently admitted that he knows he will eventually go back down that road because it's a part of who he is. And THAT is the part that I can't deal with. He also conveniently left out that not only was he lusting after other people, but also started denying any sexual advances from me, despite the fact that he was always complaining that I never had sex with him, and that I never tried to make myself pretty for him. Well guess what, I did try. I tried everything he ever asked of me and then some. But in the end, I wasn't able to do anything for him anymore and the only thing that could get him off was thoughts about other people. He also claimed that he wasn't sitting around talking to me about all these women, and that was also a lie. He was always pointing out women's features when we were out places, and I remember at least one occasion when he pointed out a girl that we had seen 2 weeks beforehand, and remembered her solely based on her breasts. I had also remembered seeing her but that was based on the unique-looking dog she had with her. So don't let him fool you into thinking that his attractions were just some passing thing that didn't go anywhere and then immediately left his mind. No, they were lusting, sexual fantasies that he was having about these other women many times when we were supposed to be out enjoying quality time together. And you can think all you want that I must be lying if I say I do the same things but the truth is I don't. I have never felt a need to lust after other men because I was satisfied with him. He has also admitted that he would also be jealous if I were lusting after other men. He can sit there and tell you all he wants about how he put in all this effort and got nothing back in return, but I devoted all I had to him and in return I got emotional withdrawal, complete dishonesty, and disrespect. Yes, I do have my own issues to deal with, as does everyone, and I have been working on those and have actually come a pretty damn long way. In truth, for awhile we were well on our way to sorting everything out. But the truth is I know that I am a good person, and it is not an unreasonable expectation that I have to want my partner to be emotionally and sexually devoted to me. That is not about some self-esteem issue. I know that I am attractive, but that doesn't mean I am wrong to expect my partner to treat me like I am the most attractive person to them, and they shouldn't have to lie to me to do it. And it doesn't mean that I'm "psycho" or a nutcase. It just means that these are values that I find important in a relationship, and I should not have to compromise those values for someone who continues to disrespect me in the ways that he has. I was also willing to go to couples counseling to try to sort all this out, but he has flat out refused because he is unwilling to compromise. Like I said, it's one thing to find someone attractive and then move on, but he has taken things to what, in my opinion, is an unacceptable level that I can not tolerate in a relationship. Yet through all of this, I have never claimed that he was a horrible person. In fact, just the opposite. I have been telling him what a wonderful person I thought he was, as he was sitting there threatening to blow his brains out because HE thinks he's a horrible person. We have both made our share of mistakes in this relationship, but I have never said that he is a bad person for feeling the way he feels, and I don't appreciate people bashing me for having my own feelings. He is a wonderful person, and I know some day he will find someone who will make him happy, and will be fine with his watching porn and lusting after other women. If that works for both people, then great, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. But there is also nothing wrong with me feeling the way that I feel and having my own expectations in a relationship. Because I know that I am also a good person, and I deserve to have my needs met as well. Just because he was not the person to fulfill those needs that does not mean I think he is a bad person and I have never said anything to that extent.

[OhMittens]

There are two sides to every story, so why don't you think about that before being so quick to judge. First of all, he has conveniently left out the part about how he has admitted to purposely trying over the entire course of our relationship to make me jealous and insecure so that he felt like i needed him, how he would purposely give just enough to always make me want more. He also severely underplayed his attraction toward other people. I'm not stupid, I know that everyone is gonna notice people as attractive but there are varying degrees to it. To me, when we are out somewhere together supposed to be spending time together, and he is oggling, lusting after, and fantasizing about other women, then that crosses a line. It is fine to notice that people are attractive, but I feel like if you are devoted to the person you love then it should not go beyond that and you shouldn't need to lust after other people or fantasize about them. And yes, even though he claims that he's not watching porn now, he did watch it pretty obsessively throughout the course of our relationship, and continued to lie to me about it, and has also recently admitted that he knows he will eventually go back down that road because it's a part of who he is. And THAT is the part that I can't deal with. He also conveniently left out that not only was he lusting after other people, but also started denying any sexual advances from me, despite the fact that he was always complaining that I never had sex with him, and that I never tried to make myself pretty for him. Well guess what, I did try. I tried everything he ever asked of me and then some. But in the end, I wasn't able to do anything for him anymore and the only thing that could get him off was thoughts about other people. He also claimed that he wasn't sitting around talking to me about all these women, and that was also a lie. He was always pointing out women's features when we were out places, and I remember at least one occasion when he pointed out a girl that we had seen 2 weeks beforehand, and remembered her solely based on her breasts. I had also remembered seeing her but that was based on the unique-looking dog she had with her. So don't let him fool you into thinking that his attractions were just some passing thing that didn't go anywhere and then immediately left his mind. No, they were lusting, sexual fantasies that he was having about these other women many times when we were supposed to be out enjoying quality time together. And you can think all you want that I must be lying if I say I do the same things but the truth is I don't. I have never felt a need to lust after other men because I was satisfied with him. He has also admitted that he would also be jealous if I were lusting after other men. He can sit there and tell you all he wants about how he put in all this effort and got nothing back in return, but I devoted all I had to him and in return I got emotional withdrawal, complete dishonesty, and disrespect. Yes, I do have my own issues to deal with, as does everyone, and I have been working on those and have actually come a pretty damn long way. In truth, for awhile we were well on our way to sorting everything out. But the truth is I know that I am a good person, and it is not an unreasonable expectation that I have to want my partner to be emotionally and sexually devoted to me. That is not about some self-esteem issue. I know that I am attractive, but that doesn't mean I am wrong to expect my partner to treat me like I am the most attractive person to them, and they shouldn't have to lie to me to do it. And it doesn't mean that I'm "psycho" or a nutcase. It just means that these are values that I find important in a relationship, and I should not have to compromise those values for someone who continues to disrespect me in the ways that he has. I was also willing to go to couples counseling to try to sort all this out, but he has flat out refused because he is unwilling to compromise. Like I said, it's one thing to find someone attractive and then move on, but he has taken things to what, in my opinion, is an unacceptable level that I can not tolerate in a relationship. Yet through all of this, I have never claimed that he was a horrible person. In fact, just the opposite. I have been telling him what a wonderful person I thought he was, as he was sitting there threatening to blow his brains out because HE thinks he's a horrible person. We have both made our share of mistakes in this relationship, but I have never said that he is a bad person for feeling the way he feels, and I don't appreciate people bashing me for having my own feelings. He is a wonderful person, and I know some day he will find someone who will make him happy, and will be fine with his watching porn and lusting after other women. If that works for both people, then great, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. But there is also nothing wrong with me feeling the way that I feel and having my own expectations in a relationship. Because I know that I am also a good person, and I deserve to have my needs met as well. Just because he was not the person to fulfill those needs that does not mean I think he is a bad person and I have never said anything to that extent.

 

 

Yes in what I'll refer to as our "first" relationship before we split up last year for those months we both had a lot of insecurity issues and neither of us did a whole lot of things right. I accept what I did wrong. I did watch porn, but I stopped. I used it as an escape because the women in those videos couldn't hurt me. I didn't watch porn during our relationship for the last 1.5 years once I learned to express myself the right way and examined why I hid in other mediums to escape reality. If you want to bring up all the issues from the past relationship that is fine. Yes I was dishonest because I had self esteem issues and I felt like I wasn't good enough. But nothing that I was dishonest about was anything I should have been. I shouldn't have had to lie about how often I saw my family, once a week was not too much and who cares? I made an effort to see them at times when you are busy with other things so I wouldn't have to take time away from us. I shouldn't have had to lie about liking sports, I shouldn't have went damn near 2 years without watching football or baseball other than highlights online or what I could sneak and see. I shouldn't have been so scared that me doing something that I wanted to do was just going to cause another fight. Sure I kept things to myself and I only gave so much because if I would have gave it all there wouldn't be any of me left. Do you realize that even though you wern't incredibly fond of all your family that we spent a hell of a lot more time with them than I did with my family that I actually liked being around? Do you realize that even though your immideate family lived 7 hours away there were years that we spent more time up there and with them than I did with my family. I shouldn't have had to feel that spending more than an hour there was too long. I shouldn't have had to lie to them about why I wasn't seeing them for holidays, but we could drive 7 hours to spend it with your family. I shouldn't have gone over a year between seeing my friends and I should have always felt comfortable going where I wanted to go and doing what I wanted to do. You want to talk about the lack of intimacy, we went weeks between. Even after the porn usage stopped we went weeks between and I never masturbated because I knew it bothered you if I did. What did we average, every 2 weeks or so? How many guys could say that they got off just once every two weeks? Hell there was at least one month where it happened once and I managed and you meant enough to me for me to wait for you. So yes, this was all part of the "first" relationship which was where the porn and the dishonesty was as well. That was the past and I'm not judging you for it, our current relationship wasn't that way anymore.

 

But those issues were from the past, lets concentrate on what we will call our "second" relationship. Yes I still find other people attractive and I still have a thought here or there that goes past just admiration, too bad. I don't buy for a second that everyone you've talked to agrees that never having a single lustful thought about someone else while in a relationship is how it's supposed to be. I never found anymore more attractive than you and I would never cheat. I never approached you because I was turned on by someone else and I surely didn't think of anyone else while I was being intimate with you. I started denying intimacy because I felt so ashamed that I started finding other people attractive and I knew how much it meant to you and I didn't want to disrespect you. I did not think about other people when we were intimate and I masturbated once during our second relationship and you were there for it... it's not like I was thinking about someone else while I was doing it. I know I did a lot of things wrong early in our relationship but this one was different. I didn't watch porn and I was honest with you. Honest to a fault actually because I came to you and told you that I saw something or remembered something because I didn't feel like holding anything back was acceptable. I knew how much complete disclosure meant to you and if I was doing something that I knew would upset you for you to know I wanted to be honest with you. When we were getting back together I mentioned wanting to feel like I could keep some thoughts to myself and I was made to feel like that was wrong. I have a right to keep whatever I want to myself and I'm allowed to have thoughts or do things that I don't share in the relationship. I shouldn't have to feel like I have to remember every second of my day because not telling you something was dishonest. Sure I remembered that girl at the trail, but only because it was eating me up inside feeling like I did something wrong by looking down her shirt when she bent over. What am I a robot? I don't think I did anything wrong and I shouldn't be made to feel that way. No one else stuck with me, hell I don't remember what most girls look like ten seconds after I see them. The only reason that one stuck around is because I didn't tell you right away because I felt like it was ok to feel that way but all it did was eat me up inside because I believed what I was doing to be wrong.

 

I never treated you like you were not the most attractive person to me and no one even came close. Sure other people had attractive features that I might have fancied but that doesn't mean they were more attractive to me. I tried to ask myself what you kept asking me, "If I'm the most attractive person to you then why do you need to look at other people?" and honestly now I can see that it's just what I see as normal. Just because my favorite food is chicken doesn't mean that I don't look at what else is on the menu. I am totally faithful and would never ever cheat on my partner. I will always be more attracted to my partner than I would anyone else in the world and I feel that if I wasn't then that is grounds to end the relationship because something is missing. Your partner is more to you than just a random person you pass on the street and it's both the physical and emotional attraction that you have for your partner that makes them the most attractive. Sure other people have other qualities or features that you might admire but that doesn't mean a connection and in the end they mean nothing to you. And though I felt like I would be jealous if my partner was looking, I can see that it's just normal and if I am confident in their feelings for me, and they are faithful, then it shouldn't be an issue. But you are a good person and we both supported each other through a lot of stuff during our time together. I'm thankful for having you as a part of my life and will cherish the memories and try my best to learn from the mistakes.

 

I responded to this post last night after you read it and you were upset about what I said and how people viewed you. These people who will never know you shouldn't matter that much to you. Out of respect for you I made an effort to clear things up and apologized for anything that shed you in a negative light. But once again these are strangers who do not know who you are and their opinion shouldn't matter whatsoever. How I cope is my business and it's obvious that I need to create a new account to continue to cope here because even though you obviously have issues with the people here, I personally really like the community and feel like I have a lot to offer others as well as the fact that I feel the members here have a lot to offer me. You are entitled to your feelings the same way I am and you shouldn't let anyone else's opinion affect you.

 

___________________________________________

 

Now I am off to create a new account, huzzah. I will not be logging into or respond to this thread again but I will read further comments if anyone has them.

[JHS]

There are two sides to every story, so why don't you think about that before being so quick to judge. First of all, he has conveniently left out the part about how he has admitted to purposely trying over the entire course of our relationship to make me jealous and insecure so that he felt like i needed him, how he would purposely give just enough to always make me want more. He also severely underplayed his attraction toward other people. I'm not stupid, I know that everyone is gonna notice people as attractive but there are varying degrees to it. To me, when we are out somewhere together supposed to be spending time together, and he is oggling, lusting after, and fantasizing about other women, then that crosses a line. It is fine to notice that people are attractive, but I feel like if you are devoted to the person you love then it should not go beyond that and you shouldn't need to lust after other people or fantasize about them. And yes, even though he claims that he's not watching porn now, he did watch it pretty obsessively throughout the course of our relationship, and continued to lie to me about it, and has also recently admitted that he knows he will eventually go back down that road because it's a part of who he is. And THAT is the part that I can't deal with. He also conveniently left out that not only was he lusting after other people, but also started denying any sexual advances from me, despite the fact that he was always complaining that I never had sex with him, and that I never tried to make myself pretty for him. Well guess what, I did try. I tried everything he ever asked of me and then some. But in the end, I wasn't able to do anything for him anymore and the only thing that could get him off was thoughts about other people. He also claimed that he wasn't sitting around talking to me about all these women, and that was also a lie. He was always pointing out women's features when we were out places, and I remember at least one occasion when he pointed out a girl that we had seen 2 weeks beforehand, and remembered her solely based on her breasts. I had also remembered seeing her but that was based on the unique-looking dog she had with her. So don't let him fool you into thinking that his attractions were just some passing thing that didn't go anywhere and then immediately left his mind. No, they were lusting, sexual fantasies that he was having about these other women many times when we were supposed to be out enjoying quality time together. And you can think all you want that I must be lying if I say I do the same things but the truth is I don't. I have never felt a need to lust after other men because I was satisfied with him. He has also admitted that he would also be jealous if I were lusting after other men. He can sit there and tell you all he wants about how he put in all this effort and got nothing back in return, but I devoted all I had to him and in return I got emotional withdrawal, complete dishonesty, and disrespect. Yes, I do have my own issues to deal with, as does everyone, and I have been working on those and have actually come a pretty damn long way. In truth, for awhile we were well on our way to sorting everything out. But the truth is I know that I am a good person, and it is not an unreasonable expectation that I have to want my partner to be emotionally and sexually devoted to me. That is not about some self-esteem issue. I know that I am attractive, but that doesn't mean I am wrong to expect my partner to treat me like I am the most attractive person to them, and they shouldn't have to lie to me to do it. And it doesn't mean that I'm "psycho" or a nutcase. It just means that these are values that I find important in a relationship, and I should not have to compromise those values for someone who continues to disrespect me in the ways that he has. I was also willing to go to couples counseling to try to sort all this out, but he has flat out refused because he is unwilling to compromise. Like I said, it's one thing to find someone attractive and then move on, but he has taken things to what, in my opinion, is an unacceptable level that I can not tolerate in a relationship. Yet through all of this, I have never claimed that he was a horrible person. In fact, just the opposite. I have been telling him what a wonderful person I thought he was, as he was sitting there threatening to blow his brains out because HE thinks he's a horrible person. We have both made our share of mistakes in this relationship, but I have never said that he is a bad person for feeling the way he feels, and I don't appreciate people bashing me for having my own feelings. He is a wonderful person, and I know some day he will find someone who will make him happy, and will be fine with his watching porn and lusting after other women. If that works for both people, then great, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. But there is also nothing wrong with me feeling the way that I feel and having my own expectations in a relationship. Because I know that I am also a good person, and I deserve to have my needs met as well. Just because he was not the person to fulfill those needs that does not mean I think he is a bad person and I have never said anything to that extent.

 

Wow. I'm kind of on her side.

[OhMittens]

Wow. I'm kind of on her side.

Me too.

 

I can see looking back that I was depressed, jealous, and mean. I did a lot of things that were wrong and I expected her to be a mind reader when I was unable to communicate. I think I can do things better now but I think this ship has sailed. I truly want her to be happy and I can see that in the end I didn't put in the kind of effort that I should have to make it work. I might have put in everything at some points, but when it was necessary I cowered like a beaten puppy.

 

I lost her, and she was right with what she said. If I could have communicated half as well as she did we would have never ended up here. I guess I needed this to be a wakeup call and hopefully it will heal me for the future. I gave her up because I was too scared that no one could love me for who I was, in the end she really did.

 

The only way I knew how to break away was to get angry and to be mean, and that wasn't fair. I threw her under the bus here in an attempt to gain sympothy so I could feel like everything I did was justified, but I see now that I was wrong and unwilling to continue to try even when she was working her hardest. We wern't so far off with our views on relationships or our wants in the world, I just was too insecure to share those things and blamed her instead. But I truly do love her and I know she is the kind of person who will find happiness in her life. I expected her to read my mind and would get upset when she couldn't. Just a bit of communication and we had the kind of love through it all that could have had a happily ever after.

 

I dug my own grave and to be honest I was nothing but a butthole in the end. I hope she finds what she deserves and I will just have to deal with my self inflicted heartache.

[without]

Ohmittens please please tell me you're not a Sagittarius...please..

[CaliBabe]

Ohmittens, it takes a big person to admit all of that. You are well on your way.

[OhMittens]

I actually am a Sagittarius, Dec 13. Not sure what that has to do with anything.

 

 

CaliBabe, I'm giving it one more try tonight. We are going to talk and I can and will do everything in my power to make this better. If she wants me great, if not then I will learn to survive.