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How to be "cool" or is it something you're born with?


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Old 5th October 2017, 2:55 PM   #1
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How to be "cool" or is it something you're born with?

My entire life I have been socially awkward. I think it is currently the biggest obstacle I am facing in reaching my dating goals.


I know this sounds immature, but I can't think of a better term to use.

Like everyone else, I'm attracted to 'cool' and charismatic people.


Even when I use slang it comes out really awkward. I've had a guy make fun of me because I said a place was "poppin"(busy, populous) He said "that's the whitest way of saying 'poppin' I've ever heard," put on this stereotypical accent and teased, "Becky, this place is quite popping."

I felt so ashamed but I pretended to laugh...

I could probably learn to better laugh at myself if it weren't so true and such a hang up for me. I was even bullied in high school which I think was hugely impactful.

I think it's in my physiology as well. My voice sort of randomly goes everywhere when I'm excited. I can't get control of it. Also, my legs and arms that are kind of hard to find a place for. Think like a newborn baby giraffe with long wobbly legs that kind of go everywhere all awkwardly as they try to find their footing.

I was on a date recently and the guy implied I am not cool. We had talked a lot. I said I was a bit nerdy in high school. He said that doesn't surprise him. I glared at him thinking maybe it was just his deadpan humor but he didn't crack and said, "I mean, I can kind of see it." (It wasn't a "neg" because this guy didn't want sex with me and so there was nothing to be gained by it.)


There's just not a single 'cool' bone in my body. Will this be a huge hindrance in my dating life? Are guys looking for cool? Is there any way to fix this or mask it a bit? Thanks

Last edited by Cookiesandough; 5th October 2017 at 4:30 PM..
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Old 5th October 2017, 4:46 PM   #2
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Cool is relative to different people, but I think the best answer is to immerse yourself in the things you are passionate about and become the best at them. Then others who like those things will think you're cool.
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Old 5th October 2017, 4:55 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by preraph View Post
Cool is relative to different people, but I think the best answer is to immerse yourself in the things you are passionate about and become the best at them. Then others who like those things will think you're cool.
Thanks peraph. That's true. I noticed when people talk they have a natural flow to their...(don't know the linguistic term for this) way of speaking. People in all different subculture talk in a certain way, but it's natural, flowing, cohesive. I speak very proper and when I try not to it comes out very forced.

Think of Taylor Swift and you'll have an idea of what I mean. Not really her dancing( im pretty good at that...) but her generally dorkiness that comes from being an overprotected upper middle class kid. I think this comes from my social anxiety. If I am not "cool" am I hopeless at dating? Will I eventually be ditched for a cool girl? One that's fun without being awkward? Thanks
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Old 5th October 2017, 4:57 PM   #4
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Just post something then use this little guy

People will automatically think you're cool
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Old 5th October 2017, 5:00 PM   #5
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Cool people are those who embrace and accept themselves, flaws and all, and have no problem laughing at themselves.


Trust me on this.
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Old 5th October 2017, 5:00 PM   #6
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Confidence

That is what cool people have.

You sound insecure and uncomfortable in your own skin - which comes across as being awkward.
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Old 5th October 2017, 5:15 PM   #7
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You may be right. I thought about confidence thing too. Though I can think of some very confident people who are unabashedly dorky. Taylor Swift, for example. Just think of the cheesy monologues she puts in her songs. She doesn't seem to lack confidence.

Mine could be due to that, howver. I'll try to work on it. Thanks!
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Old 5th October 2017, 5:15 PM   #8
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You gotta be somebody.....


Otherwise you are just another paper a-hole that thinks they are about something...I was (and still am, to a lesser degree) socially challenged..But I likely raised my "coolness" factor immensely by being about as good at what I do as anyone out there...

Women who strike me as "cool" are accomplished in what they do, don't show insecurities, carry themselves well, aren't weak, etc...And it has absolutely nothing to do with looks, btw...

But again, at the end of the day you just want to be who you are...If it means you aren't considered "cool" by whoever may have that judgement, then fine...so be it...You can't really fake this...

For whatever its worth, I think women are judged less by "coolness" than men are...Guys just want an attractive woman that won't break their balls...

TFY
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Old 5th October 2017, 5:23 PM   #9
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Cool is when you don't care about being cool.

But seriously, even the term "cool" sounds like the 1980s. I personally rather be funny, weird, happy or just a goofball. It's much more interesting in the long run.
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Old 5th October 2017, 5:24 PM   #10
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But Taylor Swift is pretty cool isn't she?

She's confident, people look up to her, find her charming, hip, stylish etc.

Aren't those "cool" qualities? I think someone can be cool yet have nerdy interests, or not use slang etc - cool is a presence, at least for adults - this isn't high school.
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Old 5th October 2017, 5:27 PM   #11
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In just about every one of your topic threads, you come off asking what you did wrong.

The problem with nearly every one of your threads is you are insecure.

That's it. That's all you need to learn to fix. Insecure that you messed up somehow. Insecure that the other guy did something wrong. Insecure that someone was lying to you or insecure how you lied to a guy because of this or that. Insecure about your body even though you are probably gorgeous.

You go on dates and come back to this forum second guessing every single awkward interaction. This is self-sabotage.

But how to fix insecurity? Just go with it. Have confidence that you ARE going to make mistakes whether you will realize them or not.

It is said in baseball that a good pitcher has a short memory. He can't give up 2 runs in the first inning and let that ruin the rest of his game. He's gotta move on.

Same with you. Ya, it's great to learn from mistakes, but you can't second-guess yourself on everything. It isn't healthy. You have to have confidence that you're succeeding without being too egotistic.

Maybe your strategy at the start of the date should be to just state that you're going to speak exactly how you feel and be open. It will lower the pressure for the guy as well and you'll both have a much better time. And the guy might be more open himself. If an insecure thought creeps up, just blurt it out. If it weirds out the guy, oh well, that's just your social filter getting rid of incompatible guys anyway. Might as well be weird and if the guy is cool with it, then you're probably better in the long run.

Just stop second-guessing yourself and have a good time. Don't put so much pressure on yourself.
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Old 5th October 2017, 5:55 PM   #12
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Coolness is simple. Just stop giving a F about what others think of you.

Don't try to be someone you are not. But be the best version of yourself you can be.
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Old 5th October 2017, 6:18 PM   #13
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Be unapologetically yourself

Confidence is key, and I think looks have less to do with it. I'm socially awkward like there's no tomorrow, and I live an isolated life which just makes the whole thing worse. But I've found in certain situations, I'm very approachable and likewise, I easily approach other people. When I feel calm and comfortable, when we all do, we exude a vibe that says it's safe to come up to you and it's okay for them to make mistakes too.

A lot has to do with how you take yourself, and if you keep looking at everyone else for their reaction as a form of validation. If you just be present in the moment (that's what I'm working on) and definitely just be yourself. Imagine what "confidence" looks like, and emulate it. But there's no need to sacrifice who you are.
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Old 5th October 2017, 6:28 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cookiesandough View Post
Thanks peraph. That's true. I noticed when people talk they have a natural flow to their...(don't know the linguistic term for this) way of speaking. People in all different subculture talk in a certain way, but it's natural, flowing, cohesive. I speak very proper and when I try not to it comes out very forced.

Think of Taylor Swift and you'll have an idea of what I mean. Not really her dancing( im pretty good at that...) but her generally dorkiness that comes from being an overprotected upper middle class kid. I think this comes from my social anxiety. If I am not "cool" am I hopeless at dating? Will I eventually be ditched for a cool girl? One that's fun without being awkward? Thanks
I'm not sure where it is written that you have to be cool, to date.
It's okay to be a little nerdy, clumsy. If that is who you are, embrace it.

For you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QcIy9NiNbmo
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Old 5th October 2017, 7:32 PM   #15
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Cookie, I think it is time you do something about being uncool. I used to hang out with band geeks and science nerds, and you get onto the wrong track very easily that way.

The guy who was wonderful with a cello now runs the Chinese division of a multi-national. The oddball who would rather play the guitar than talk is now a professor, and the kid I helped in math now builds space probes in Pasadena. (I'm still laughing about that one.) My elementary school buddy is an investment banker, my best friend from high school is a finance controller.

We were all very uncool at some point. You really don't want to end up like us.
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