Am i hopeless with online dating?

[mefisto]

There must be something really wrong with me. I've been using OLD for approximately 5 months now. It wasnt really active usage, just occasional attempts to make a connection with few dozens of girls whom i liked. And all attempts werent successful, i never got a single date. Maybe its because i aim for girls "out of my league".

Anyway, there were two girls whom i tried to write during past week. They both surprised me at the beginning and then disappointed me in the end. They both replied to my first messages. I had things in common with both of them. One girl was into tattoos and another shared some music tastes with me. So how they surprised me? I must explain - mechanics of this particulate OLD site allows people to "like each other" any time they want, its like social network. However its not necessary, you can talk with another without a like. They both replied to me and pressed "likes" with high grade on my profile. I assumed that they liked my profile and photos. It looked so promising with both of them. And then next thing happened: i tried to develop conversations further, i asked them few simple questions and said few witty remarks. My messages had positive vibe, they were not short, they were not long, they both implied to establish connection between us and possibility to get to know each other. So, after receiving second message from me they both looked at my profile one more time (i could see it, because of option that allows to see statistics of visitors) and after that they both decided to stop talking to me.

I cant understand. If they decided this because of my looks then why they "liked" my profile at first? If my style of communication so bad then why they even bothered to reply to me after my opening message? They could just ignore me like approximately 20-30 girls did before them during those 5 months. But they replied to me, liked my profile and decided then suddenly decided im not good enough for them. They didnt even give me a change to show myself, so that they would know who they reject at least.

Am i so hopeless in OLD that i should stop? It gives me more negative feelings than positive. Im so sad because of those two girls.

Maybe i can have success if i "make my standards lower", those two girls were quite beautiful. But i want to meet someone who sparks attraction in me. I guess i cant afford to do that.

[fitnessfan365]

One piece of advice that I can give you is that the point of emailing is not to get to know a woman. That should happen on dates. It is simply to make an introduction that leads to a meet.

 

I like to exchange 2-3 emails tops that are short and fun in nature. Just enough to get a basic vibe on her personality. Then I let her know that I'd like to do the next email exchange over the phone to actually talk with her. Get her number and arrange a time to talk. Then I call, talk for 10-20 minutes, and if I enjoy myself I make plans to meet.

 

When you give off the impression that you're trying to get to know a woman through email and come off a bit over eager, it can turn them off. Since you have a feeling of hopelessness, you're probably putting off a bit of a needy/trying too hard vibe.

[JuneJulySeptember]

There must be something really wrong with me. I've been using OLD for approximately 5 months now. It wasnt really active usage, just occasional attempts to make a connection with few dozens of girls whom i liked. And all attempts werent successful, i never got a single date. Maybe its because i aim for girls "out of my league".

Anyway, there were two girls whom i tried to write during past week. They both surprised me at the beginning and then disappointed me in the end. They both replied to my first messages. I had things in common with both of them. One girl was into tattoos and another shared some music tastes with me. So how they surprised me? I must explain - mechanics of this particulate OLD site allows people to "like each other" any time they want, its like social network. However its not necessary, you can talk with another without a like. They both replied to me and pressed "likes" with high grade on my profile. I assumed that they liked my profile and photos. It looked so promising with both of them. And then next thing happened: i tried to develop conversations further, i asked them few simple questions and said few witty remarks. My messages had positive vibe, they were not short, they were not long, they both implied to establish connection between us and possibility to get to know each other. So, after receiving second message from me they both looked at my profile one more time (i could see it, because of option that allows to see statistics of visitors) and after that they both decided to stop talking to me.

I cant understand. If they decided this because of my looks then why they "liked" my profile at first? If my style of communication so bad then why they even bothered to reply to me after my opening message? They could just ignore me like approximately 20-30 girls did before them during those 5 months. But they replied to me, liked my profile and decided then suddenly decided im not good enough for them. They didnt even give me a change to show myself, so that they would know who they reject at least.

Am i so hopeless in OLD that i should stop? It gives me more negative feelings than positive. Im so sad because of those two girls.

Maybe i can have success if i "make my standards lower", those two girls were quite beautiful. But i want to meet someone who sparks attraction in me. I guess i cant afford to do that.

 

If it's of any consolation, I messaged about 50 women before I got a response. And I guarantee that 1) my profile was normal and 2) I was not messaging the hottest women on the website. Many guys here have similar stories of rejection in numbers.

 

Women are picky. OLD makes women even more picky.

 

As for 'lowering your standards' that is squarely up to you. Do you want to work hard and improve yourself and post the best pictures, and go through flawless dating rituals for a shot at a prettier woman? Or do you want to take a chance on a less pretty woman who might be cool? That is (an admittedly crude) representation of what it comes down to.

 

One thing I can suggest is to go for women who are like you. If you do that in numbers, you will probably find a woman who will give you a solid chance.

[Toodaloo]

Attraction is a curious thing.

 

I was on one site and hardly anyone spoke to me at all.

 

I deleted it.

 

Logged onto another site and boom it was like an explosion of messages. Saw a chap that had been on the other site so just said hello. We have been chatting away happily. He and one other are the only ones I have contacted directly. The other didn't respond. But what the heck I am used to that from the other site.

 

I try to respond to every message that is sent to me but sometimes I just don't know what to say. Many of the profiles are self depreciating in some way or don't have anything written about them. If there is a hint of someone being "down" in their profile I skip over it. If nothing at all is written I skip over it. Yes this is regardless of looks. Another thing that makes me skip is photos where they are not fully clothed or showing too much skin... I don't want to see random strangers naked if I did I would go to a strip show.

 

I think what you have to remember is that most women are probably talking to about 5 or 6 others. If they are anything like me they will feel awkward about that. So you really need to be proactive and get to meet them as soon as possible or at least get a number and get the conversation away from the site. You need to stand out. You need to be a "real" human and get off the computer screen.

 

I have a date/ meet with a chap that has been messaging for ages. I wanted to get away from the site but sort of liked him (I was ambiguous about it) so I explained and gave him my number. We had been texting. I was giving up on him and had a migraine the other night so asked if I could call instead because it was hurting to look at the screen to text. Glad I had that migraine as during that conversation I learnt that we have much more in common than I thought, his personality came through much better and he sort of in a round about way got around to asking me out! We are meeting up on Friday. I know that it would have just gone on forever texting and not going anywhere if we hadn't have spoken. So far he seems normal, fun and I learnt some things about him that I really admire very much. I want to meet him now of that I am certain. Before that conversation I was not at all bothered.

 

There are two others that I have been chatting to and I am going to say no. Simply because it doesn't feel right. Nothing "wrong" with them that I can see but I just can't keep on with getting to know several men at the same time. I assume that is what has happened with some of the chaps that have gone silent on me. Their details etc have been deleted after not hearing form them for a week.

 

As for the like. It doesn't mean anything. For me I click like if I want to hear from them. Doesn't mean I am going to actually like them or get on with them. Sometimes when you start talking to them they are actually nothing like their profile suggests.

 

Do not lower your standards. Up your game.

[Auspecial]

OLD has become a fail for the most part. Initially it was an okay way to actually meet people.

 

Can it be successful? Yes, like anything else there are possibilities. But GIGS is rampant and the anonymous nature cause many to act not like their true selves on many levels.

 

I see OL as just an adjunct to real life meeting. Its more just entertainment, and if something actually develops, then great.

 

These days, I think its mostly just good for people looking to hook up.

[PegNosePete]

99% of the time, when someone is having "bad luck" with OLD, it's because their photos and/or profile are terrible.

 

It's nothing to do with luck. It's because the women you are messaging don't like your profile. If they did, they would reply.

[JuneJulySeptember]

99% of the time, when someone is having "bad luck" with OLD, it's because their photos and/or profile are terrible.

 

It's nothing to do with luck. It's because the women you are messaging don't like your profile. If they did, they would reply.

 

That's just not true at all.

 

Why are you always getting people to try and blame themselves? Do you how sh@tty that is when you're blaming yourself all the time for something that is not your fault?

 

I went on a blind date with a woman set up from my relative and I had her look at my profile before she met me just in case she wanted to bail and when I talked to her, she said it was totally fine.

 

Still, 50 women weren't into it. The 51st woman who accepted (another woman) also said she liked it.

Edited April 1, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember

[PegNosePete]

when I talked to her, she said it was totally fine.

Some of the worst profile advice I have ever been given, is from RL women. They have no clue what works and does not work for guys on online dating sites. They tend to think OLD is just like RL dating. It isn't.

 

As an example, a mate of mine found a woman with a bass guitar in her pic and being a bassist himself, asked her a question about it. Our mutual female friend told him, that was a dumb question to ask, he should have said she had nice eyes or something instead. Seriously? That is the most crappy advice I've ever heard. A question about a shared hobby is far superior to a cliche, copy/paste physical compliment that she's probably heard 50 times already that morning.

 

So yeah, I would be very wary of asking women what they think of your profile. Far better to ask successful, experienced guys what worked for them. A young lion does not ask a zebra, how to catch zebra. He asks the older, wiser lions.

[JuneJulySeptember]

 

Do not lower your standards. Up your game.

 

I hate thinking about it like that. It makes you sound like you're a prize to be won.

 

I think about it like you're going to live and die. If you think somebody is cool or nice or attractive, any of those, hang out with them and see where it goes.

 

Obviously, if you are talking to 6 or 7 guys at one time, then you don't have to compromise. If you message 25 women and get a response from one, and she's not your exact ideal of beauty, then you're in a different situation and you might want to see where it goes.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Some of the worst profile advice I have ever been given, is from RL women. They have no clue what works and does not work for guys on online dating sites. They tend to think OLD is just like RL dating. It isn't.

 

As an example, a mate of mine found a woman with a bass guitar in her pic and being a bassist himself, asked her a question about it. Our mutual female friend told him, that was a dumb question to ask, he should have said she had nice eyes or something instead. Seriously? That is the most crappy advice I've ever heard. A question about a shared hobby is far superior to a cliche, copy/paste physical compliment that she's probably heard 50 times already that morning.

 

So yeah, I would be very wary of asking women what they think of your profile. Far better to ask successful, experienced guys what worked for them. A young lion does not ask a zebra, how to catch zebra. He asks the older, wiser lions.

 

No offense, but f@ck that.

 

Dating is not a contest to me. It's not a hunt. I'm looking for my best friend. Best friends aren't made or broken by 3 or 4 silly pictures on a website and 500 words of text. If OLD is not a means to an end for that goal, then I won't be on it for long.

 

And anyway, it's pretty clear that no matter what is said, you are still going to say it's 'men's fault' if they are getting rejected.

[Toodaloo]

As an example, a mate of mine found a woman with a bass guitar in her pic and being a bassist himself, asked her a question about it. Our mutual female friend told him, that was a dumb question to ask, he should have said she had nice eyes or something instead. Seriously? That is the most crappy advice I've ever heard. A question about a shared hobby is far superior to a cliche, copy/paste physical compliment that she's probably heard 50 times already that morning.

 

If I had been that girl I would have replied and not with my standard copy/ paste reply...

[PegNosePete]

Best friends aren't made or broken by 3 or 4 silly pictures on a website and 500 words of text.

Well that's how it works. If you don't like it, don't do it. But blaming the tool for your failure doesn't make much sense to me. The tool works fine if you use it properly. Just because it doesn't work how you want it to, doesn't mean it's broken.

[Toodaloo]

I hate thinking about it like that. It makes you sound like you're a prize to be won.

 

Well I am, just the same as the guys are a prize to be won. If I want to meet someone special it only stands to reason that they deserve someone special in return? if I want someone with high standards regarding honesty etc doesn't it follow suit that I should do the same?

 

Obviously, if you are talking to 6 or 7 guys at one time, then you don't have to compromise. If you message 25 women and get a response from one, and she's not your exact ideal of beauty, then you're in a different situation and you might want to see where it goes.

 

Why on earth would you message women that you don't want to date? Strikes as desperate to me...

 

I have dated ordinary and look where that has got me... no where.

 

Now I am afraid I do want someone extraordinary. I do want someone that meets my standards and yes I have set the bar high. Not in terms of looks but in terms of personality traits.

 

Yes you do have to compromise even when you are talking to that many - how can you possibly get to know that many men properly all at the same time?

 

If you are looking for a shag or entertainment its different.

 

If you are looking for someone that you are compatible with then it becomes a challenge for all... So yeah. Up your game.

 

You can sense the tone of what people have written, if its miserable, sad, self depreciating sod that. If they look unkempt in the photos again sod that.

 

I want a partner not a child or an appendage.

[d0nnivain]

I found OLD to be extremely disheartening. IRL I had never had problems meeting people but at that point in my life I didn't really have people to go out with and everybody encouraged me to try.

 

 

I was on the site for 90 days. I got 3 dates. All were with men, I would not have gone out with had I met them IRL. I went in part because they asked; in part because they "looked good on paper"; and in part because I didn't know how to politely / kindly say no thank you. I realize in hindsight that was a mistake. Anyway, none of the men I thought were attractive / interesting / dateable got back to me, except one and all he said was I was geographically undesirable because we were 1.5 hours apart.

 

 

OLD is one tool. What else are you doing to meet people? When I returned to meeting people IRL almost every time I went to an event, I walked away with a date with a guy who I found attractive. It took me about 7-8 months to meet DH

[Toodaloo]

The tool works fine if you use it properly. Just because it doesn't work how you want it to, doesn't mean it's broken.

 

OLD is one tool.

 

Please note the bolded word both from better (wo)men than I - as that is all it is...

[JuneJulySeptember]

Well that's how it works. If you don't like it, don't do it. But blaming the tool for your failure doesn't make much sense to me. The tool works fine if you use it properly. Just because it doesn't work how you want it to, doesn't mean it's broken.

 

It's not how OLD works. It's how ALL of dating works.

 

And not only all of dating. All of human relationships.

 

But it doesn't mean you have to play the game that way. It's not a competition to get the best for everybody.

 

I'm just offering the OP an alternative.

[JuneJulySeptember]

I have dated ordinary and look where that has got me... no where.

 

What do you mean 'it has gotten you nowhere'?

 

Do you mean because you're still single and have no kids?

 

It's not about the best job, the best husband, the best house.

 

It's about the journey. And those ordinary guys you dated should have provided some decent journeys.

 

Anyway, that is just my perspective (which is admittedly new). Feel free to disagree.

[Toodaloo]

What do you mean 'it has gotten you nowhere'?

 

It's about the journey. And those ordinary guys you dated should have provided some decent journeys.

 

 

Well they have provided f all but financial ruin, poverty, homelessness, heart ache and major health problems both physical and mental. All of them were so called "nice" guys. The journey was to hell and I have had to claw my way back on my own. So here I am no where further down the "journey" with nothing but battle wounds to show for it. I don't call that productive or positive.

 

I am not bothered about the house, job or cars etc. if I want that I will go and get it myself.

 

But when I say yes to someone it will be because they are the best. At least then it will be productive and positive and a "journey" worth taking.

 

Back on topic. On line dating is a tool. Do it right and you will get positive results. Do it wrong and you up the creak with out a paddle. PNP has been very successful and has helped other men to be successful so yes I do value his opinion on this subject and also Donnivain as again she has been successful in other areas and knows the pitfalls.

[SupportiveGuy]

I've been on OKCupid for more than five years, and my conversation count is well into the quadruple digits, but since I'm disabled and can't work, I have met exactly three women from there.

 

Maybe there's something wrong with your profile, if you want a critique, post it and find out exactly what's the matter.

 

If you want a relationship, look for profiles that don't use terminology like "go out" or "date" or "lots of fun" or any special criteria, and look for introvert hobbies and interests. These are the deeper, more serious girls.

 

In online dating, copy/paste is the way to go. I'd never do it, but that's what the OLD female mind is wired to accept.

OLD women want a man who is predictably unpredictable, traditionally deviant, plainly mysterious, and boringly fun. That's why copy/paste works so well. Once you meet them, all you need to do to have a successful relationship is to always be working, have a great job with tons of money, go out for dinner weekly or monthly, and they'll call it "redeeming qualities."

That's modern romance in a nutshell. Enjoy your success.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Some of the worst profile advice I have ever been given, is from RL women.

 

Oh, as if YOU are the expert on how legitimate a woman's advice is? How do you even know this, seriously?

 

And anyway, it's pretty clear that no matter what is said, you are still going to say it's 'men's fault' if they are getting rejected.

 

Right, and I've only noticed it's PegNose saying on these forums, "It's the man's fault he struggles with online dating". It is to laugh.

Edited April 2, 2015 by LookAtThisPOst

[LookAtThisPOst]

Funny, I see women sometime state in their profiles, "if you just copied and pasted", (as if she knows), forget it!"

 

When they have the most boring, most cliche'd crap written in their profiles like,

 

"Life's too short to sweat the small stuff"

"Work hard and play harder"

"Looking for my partner in crime"

"I love to laugh!"

 

A lot of "Stating of the obvious", yet Pegnosed Pete says how it's the men's fault for crappy profiles, while, I'm sure women with even the cliche'd profiles and repetitive philosophical quotes still get tons of emails.

 

 

I've been on OKCupid for more than five years, and my conversation count is well into the quadruple digits, but since I'm disabled and can't work, I have met exactly three women from there.

 

Maybe there's something wrong with your profile, if you want a critique, post it and find out exactly what's the matter.

 

If you want a relationship, look for profiles that don't use terminology like "go out" or "date" or "lots of fun" or any special criteria, and look for introvert hobbies and interests. These are the deeper, more serious girls.

 

In online dating, copy/paste is the way to go. I'd never do it, but that's what the OLD female mind is wired to accept.

OLD women want a man who is predictably unpredictable, traditionally deviant, plainly mysterious, and boringly fun. That's why copy/paste works so well. Once you meet them, all you need to do to have a successful relationship is to always be working, have a great job with tons of money, go out for dinner weekly or monthly, and they'll call it "redeeming qualities."

That's modern romance in a nutshell. Enjoy your success.

[PegNosePete]

Oh, as if YOU are the expert on how legitimate a woman's advice is? How do you even know this, seriously?

Experience.

 

I'm sure women with even the cliche'd profiles and repetitive philosophical quotes still get tons of emails.

Oh absolutely. It's easy for a woman to get loads of emails, just post a cleavage shot or whatever. But loads of messages does not equate to finding a decent guy who is looking for a relationship. Any woman who wants quality messages from decent guys, should put just as much effort into her profile as the men.

 

Most women with crappy profiles are the same ones who complain that OLD is full of jerks and guys looking for ONS. Co-incidence? I think not.

Edited April 2, 2015 by PegNosePete

[Toodaloo]

Oh absolutely. It's easy for a woman to get loads of emails, just post a cleavage shot or whatever.

 

I don't even need to do that. Just log in and sit there during peak hours...

 

But loads of messages does not equate to finding a decent guy who is looking for a relationship. Any woman who wants quality messages from decent guys, should put just as much effort into her profile as the men.

 

Agreed!

 

Most women with crappy profiles are the same ones who complain that OLD is full of jerks and guys looking for ONS. Co-incidence? I think not.

 

Guys stop having a go at Peg Nose.

 

He has admitted that he is a balding, middle aged bloke, yet he is the one enjoying a beer, having fun and getting laid with a lovely lady he met on line while you all slag off his advice. Go figure.

 

Look in the mirror. Peg Nose doesn't need to!

 

P.S. PNP I don't care if you are bald or middle aged. I am still your No 1 fan

[LookAtThisPOst]

Right, just because it's posted on a message board, it MUST be true.

 

Guys stop having a go at Peg Nose.

 

He has admitted that he is a balding, middle aged bloke, yet he is the one enjoying a beer, having fun and getting laid with a lovely lady he met on line while you all slag off his advice. Go figure.

 

Look in the mirror. Peg Nose doesn't need to!

 

P.S. PNP I don't care if you are bald or middle aged. I am still your No 1 fan

[Frank2thepoint]

yet he is the one enjoying a beer, having fun and getting laid with a lovely lady he met on line

 

Toodaloo you summarized OLD quite aptly.