Emotional availability

[LookAtThisPOst]

Regardless of the other reasons why dating is so difficult these days. There are some that are obvious givens, but one that is rather hard to NOT run into is the emotional unavailability of people.

How does one become emotionally unavailable. as I seem to meet these people when I try to date them or rather even FRIENDS try to date them.

 

It's usually on the onset of a recent divorce or break up. Unfortunately, I know a lot of people that start up dating even before the ink on the paper is dry.

Or you meet someone that had a tragedy in their life and they are trying to transition into being social (first time Meetup members).

 

I hardly ever see anyone who has spent a LONG time UN-attached, as most people I meet are never unattached for too long. But during which time, they are likely emotionally unavailable.

They try to tell themselves they are emotionally available, but the poor souls they hook up with are likely caught unawares as the dating relationship they've started with this person is a relationship that's only fleeting.

 

Great...they are single...they could be completely unattached, but....there's that emotional availability that's lacking, yes?

[the tank]

I dont think its new. But with all the social media. People keep following their ex. That doesnt help to date new people.

[neowulf]

If you try and fail enough, eventually you begin to burn out.

 

Your heart takes more and more to warm up and longer to heal when it hurts.

 

It's like scare tissue man.

I don't believe the human heart has the infinite capacity to love.

 

If you suffer enough disappointment and emotional trauma, it takes it's toll.

 

I've been in relationships since I was 16 years old, with maybe a 12 month gap here and there between them.

 

I'm 36.

 

I've had half a dozen 6~12 month things

a couple of 2 year

a 3 1/2 year

a 6 year

 

I am.. for lack of a better word.. tired.

Edited January 22, 2015 by neowulf

[Popsicle]

No not everyone who is single is emotionally unavailable.

 

But, even if they are emotionally available, that does not mean they are going to fall in love with any person they date.

 

I am single and have been for a while and emotionally available. That does not mean that I'll fall in love with any guy who talks to me.

[amaysngrace]

If somebody is broken they cannot be fully emotionally available.

 

It's up to the other person to decide if they want to go down that path and if they do then make sure to keep their own emotional distance in check.

 

It can work. But it's going to take patience, time and a whole lot of emotional fortitude.

[BlueIris]

Regardless of the other reasons why dating is so difficult these days. There are some that are obvious givens, but one that is rather hard to NOT run into is the emotional unavailability of people.

How does one become emotionally unavailable. as I seem to meet these people when I try to date them or rather even FRIENDS try to date them.

 

It's usually on the onset of a recent divorce or break up. Unfortunately, I know a lot of people that start up dating even before the ink on the paper is dry.

Or you meet someone that had a tragedy in their life and they are trying to transition into being social (first time Meetup members).

 

I hardly ever see anyone who has spent a LONG time UN-attached, as most people I meet are never unattached for too long. But during which time, they are likely emotionally unavailable.

They try to tell themselves they are emotionally available, but the poor souls they hook up with are likely caught unawares as the dating relationship they've started with this person is a relationship that's only fleeting.

 

Great...they are single...they could be completely unattached, but....there's that emotional availability that's lacking, yes?

 

Definitely. Many people just want to get out, have some fun, flirt and feel good, maybe have sex. Lots of the men I met on OLD were like that, even if they said that the were seeking a relationship and might have thought that they were emotionally available. I think that some of them truly didn't realize they weren't.

It's one reason lots of people who are interested only in finding a lifetime relationship avoid the newly divorced, and why some wait a good long while before becoming sexually involved.

[GemmaUK]

I always take breaks between dating.

 

 

Some people don't though.

 

 

In my own experience I have found in later years and with men 37+ that they see dating as an all or nothing RS real quick.

They start making plans when I have only met them twice etc..

 

 

I'm not emotionally available enough for that as I need to get to know someone.

Doing otherwise is a bit daft.

 

 

I'm older and wiser and not prepared to be pushed into someone by someone. I have my own opinions and my own speed just like any other man or woman.

If his speed isn't the same as mine and is much too quick I will leg it!

[LookAtThisPOst]

Gemma, good point...the woman I met recently, we went on a wonderful date together...first a festival, then dinner, and then walk in the park, talking even more.

 

She enjoyed our time, but did let me know that since she's new to Meetup and socializing since the death of her mother, she's wanting to focus on friendships...if a relationship becomes of such a friendship as ours, then more power to us.

 

She said she's vulnerable at this transitional period in her life as she gets her feet wet into a new social life and exploring the outside world as she had been rather reclusive for a time.

 

Good points here, her emotional unavailability isn't due to a break up or even a divorce (she's never married, no kids).

 

I'm to assume she's not yet emotionally available?

 

My only ace in the hole so far is that she's ADMITTED that she's attracted to me probably 2 or 3 times already. That being said, there's no inkling of "friendzoning", but it sounds more like a "friends first and let's see what happens" kind of thing.

 

I hugged and kissed her on the cheek good night. We still stay in touch afterwards, too.

 

 

I always take breaks between dating.

 

 

Some people don't though.

 

 

In my own experience I have found in later years and with men 37+ that they see dating as an all or nothing RS real quick.

They start making plans when I have only met them twice etc..

 

 

I'm not emotionally available enough for that as I need to get to know someone.

Doing otherwise is a bit daft.

 

 

I'm older and wiser and not prepared to be pushed into someone by someone. I have my own opinions and my own speed just like any other man or woman.

If his speed isn't the same as mine and is much too quick I will leg it!

[SycamoreCircle]

I agree with Gemma. I think it's important to break between people. I don't care how well you know yourself. Each relationship should teach us something new about ourselves. The "down time" after the dissolution of a relationship is part of the relationship, in a way. A chance for you to gain some emotional clarity and review who you are, what you require and what new boundaries you're working with.

[todreaminblue]

No not everyone who is single is emotionally unavailable.

 

But, even if they are emotionally available, that does not mean they are going to fall in love with any person they date.

 

I am single and have been for a while and emotionally available. That does not mean that I'll fall in love with any guy who talks to me.

 

 

 

this^^^^ I am available too but I just dont date for the fun of it.if I cant feel long term potential and i feel that push to date....i dont date..i dont fall in love easily......and when i have dated without that special somethings there or that feeling i could really fall in love with them its been a disaster....so ....i wait....so i dont hurt anyone..i feel availability happens when you realize you arent the only one with the potential to be hurt.......deb

[salparadise]

That's the first thing I'm trying to ascertain when I'm interested in someone. It's not easy. A lot of them don't know themselves. They have feelings of loneliness and wish they weren't alone... they think that translates to emotionally available. Not the same thing at all. They have a million excuses to avoid taking a chance on love again. All external factors, not having found the perfect person being the main one.

[Toodaloo]

I am.. for lack of a better word.. tired.

 

You have just summed it up.

 

Makes me laugh when people who have been divorced a couple of times ask you what is wrong with you when they find out you are single, never married and no kids in tow...

 

Personally I think I made the right choice not to spend a fortune putting a plaster on problems that need to be sorted out...

 

Heaven forbid if they find out you have been single for a while! Thats when they assume that you turn into a ogre when the moon comes out

[carhill]

How to Spot Emotional Unavailability | Psych Central

 

"If you’ve ever been in a relationship with someone emotionally unavailable, you know the pain of not being able to get close to the one you love. They’re evasive, make excuses, or are just inept when it comes to talking about feelings or the relationship. Some use anger, criticism, or activities to create distance. You end up feeling alone, depressed, unimportant, or rejected.

 

Usually women complain about emotionally unavailable men. Yet many women aren’t aware they’re emotionally unavailable, too. When you get hooked on someone else who is (think Carrie Bradshaw and Mr. Big), your problem is disguised as his. This keeps you in denial of your own unavailability.

 

There are several types of unavailability, both temporary and chronic. Some people have always been unavailable due to mental illness or a troubled childhood. Others temporarily make something a higher priority than a relationship, such as a family obligation, education, project, or a health concern. People recently divorced or widowed may temporarily not be ready to get involved with someone new. In the middle are those who are too afraid to risk falling in love because they’ve been hurt by one or more relationships, which may include being hurt by a parent when they were a child. Often these different reasons for unavailability overlap, and it’s difficult to ascertain whether the problem is chronic or will pass."

 

 

====================

 

 

I listed the antithesis of the thread title to better understand the description.

 

 

 

How does one become emotionally unavailable?

 

 

I really don't know. It hasn't been part of my life experience. Of course, we all suffer pain and loss and most of us have gone through relationship endings or grieving the death of a loved one. I guess it boils down to intrinsic personality traits.

 

 

I hardly ever see anyone who has spent a LONG time UN-attached, as most people I meet are never unattached for too long.

 

 

In general, I'd agree, but I have seen exceptions in my demographic and social circle. Overall, I'd opine that men are the most likely to remain unattached for a short period. However, I think some of that is generation, as most men I know personally got married very young and never really lived on their own, meaning single and without a female companion, hence their brain never registered the emotional inputs which come from living alone. Losing a partner is like going into withdrawal and they need another 'fix'.

 

 

They try to tell themselves they are emotionally available, but the poor souls they hook up with are likely caught unawares as the dating relationship they've started with this person is a relationship that's only fleeting.

 

 

That can happen and is a good reminder to do what has been discussed up thread, matching words and actions and comparing them. That said, any relationship *can* be fleeting, regardless of the psychology of the person. With any sort of relationship, there are no guarantees. There is, however, hope. We each make the best assessment we can and then go with it. Sometimes it's perfect for life; sometimes it fails miserably. Sometimes in between. It's unknown at the beginning. Perhaps that's part of the beauty of living.

 

 

 

Great...they are single...they could be completely unattached, but....there's that emotional availability that's lacking, yes?

 

 

Unless the person is prone to marked periods of introspection, expect that they'll simply go with the flow and do what they've always done. If that has been having a girlfriend or boyfriend or wife or husband, that's what they'll do. IME, it's common enough to call 'normal'.

 

 

 

I came to this thread through the title, and being divorced and making the choice not to date since. I had to ponder whether that choice was predicated upon emotional unavailability and examine my relationships and interactions since being divorced. Then I went and read that psych article for more insight on a general meaning of the phrase.

 

 

 

My conclusion is that my loving relationships have remained so, and I'm quite intimate with those I do love and choose not to become involved with women at this time, mainly due to lack of compatible candidates. In such a case, I'd rather be alone and share my love with those who are compatible and be emotionally available to them. TBH, when I observe some of the inter-spousal stuff I observe as that loving friend, I'm both a bit saddened and happy that I'm out of that milieu. If my exW and I had been more compatible in that emotional availability department, we'd probably still be married, so that underscores, to me anyway, the importance of compatibility in such issues.

[salparadise]

I thought that was a good article. It recognizes how emotional unavailability comes in many flavors and is disguised in many ways without being overly theoretical and analytical. It talks about how the emotionally unavailable manage to project it onto others, have a million and one excuses to head for the exit, and are generally unaware of their own state of availability/unavailability.

 

By the time people reach middle age it's small a miracle if they're substantially available, and if they are it's probably due to having both the inherent capacity and having done the difficult, introspective work to get there.

 

I just sent the link to my recent girlfriend. Doubt that I'll hear a word in response because it's going to hit way too close to home for her. I think it's time for me to dig deep once again and assess why I was willing to let her dominate nearly a year of my life knowing full well that she was using the push-pull as well as other techniques to keep me at arm's length. Good sex is part of the answer but I'm sure there is a lot more to it than that.

[SJC2008]

Most people ae EU IMO. Being premature-single is no more an indicator of being EU than someone who has long term r's. One of the last women I datedbwasbin a 7 year r and she's EU (not because of the brake up).

 

I'm very EU but am willing to open myself up to the right person.

[salparadise]

I'm very EU but am willing to open myself up to the right person.

 

Unh huh. Good one!

[GemmaUK]

Gemma, good point...the woman I met recently, we went on a wonderful date together...first a festival, then dinner, and then walk in the park, talking even more.

 

She enjoyed our time, but did let me know that since she's new to Meetup and socializing since the death of her mother, she's wanting to focus on friendships...if a relationship becomes of such a friendship as ours, then more power to us.

 

She said she's vulnerable at this transitional period in her life as she gets her feet wet into a new social life and exploring the outside world as she had been rather reclusive for a time.

 

Good points here, her emotional unavailability isn't due to a break up or even a divorce (she's never married, no kids).

 

I'm to assume she's not yet emotionally available?

 

My only ace in the hole so far is that she's ADMITTED that she's attracted to me probably 2 or 3 times already. That being said, there's no inkling of "friendzoning", but it sounds more like a "friends first and let's see what happens" kind of thing.

 

I hugged and kissed her on the cheek good night. We still stay in touch afterwards, too.

 

 

She is not yet emotionally available no or at least due to how she has found previous relationships can move way to fast for her (as you have already posted about) - which I also relate to hugely, then she will only jump in when she is ready or willing to do so.

 

 

'but did let me know that since she's new to Meetup and socializing since the death of her mother, she's wanting to focus on friendships.

 

 

Pay attention to ^^^^^ this.

 

 

Also, just remember that nothing you do can make someone want to be with you. It either happens or it doesn't.

 

 

But take her at her word right now that she is looking for friendships. '

[SJC2008]

Unh huh. Good one!

 

lol, I'm serious though.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Wow, reading that article, Carhill....seems with that long list of "symptoms" EVERYONE would be considered "emotionally unavailable" to a certain extent.

 

Kind of like when they started coming up with reasons people behave the way they do like ADD or ADHD. Stuff like that.

 

After reading all that, it seems...well, normal.

 

Anyhow, has anyone ever had a long term relationship with someone who was "emotionally unavail." and had just muddled their way through it?

 

Anyhow, what's interesting, other than the recent break ups or divorces...I see those who purposely fill their time with extra work or over time to avoid the person.

 

Sounds like the excuses people give in their online dating profiles saying, "I'm busy with nursing school, my kids, and the family dog...so you'll need to understand that!"

 

So they are making themselves unavailable (thought not emotionally, but seems to wear the spots as such)...purposely to give those fair warning, "I'll date you when I am able to pencil you into my schedule."

[Itspointless]

Sounds like the excuses people give in their online dating profiles saying, "I'm busy with nursing school, my kids, and the family dog...so you'll need to understand that!"

 

So they are making themselves unavailable (thought not emotionally, but seems to wear the spots as such)...purposely to give those fair warning, "I'll date you when I am able to pencil you into my schedule."

Well, not at every point in our lives we can give relationships our first priority. But, just as often people unconsciencely make themselves too busy. Sometimes it is needed to heal, others use it just to hide. There are also a lot of people who do not give eachother an inch of space, that is just as bad as people who are incapable of intimici.

[GemmaUK]

Sounds like the excuses people give in their online dating profiles saying, "I'm busy with nursing school, my kids, and the family dog...so you'll need to understand that!"

 

So they are making themselves unavailable (thought not emotionally, but seems to wear the spots as such)...purposely to give those fair warning, "I'll date you when I am able to pencil you into my schedule."

 

 

I'd say that a woman saying that is that she has things going on and isn't going to be free for contact or dates at certain times.

It's not being EU.

Many men's profiles state that they are their own boss so can pick and choose their hours so can be free just about any time.

Many men's profiles say they would devote 24/7 to someone they meet.

Many men are retired and therefore have all day every day free.

I avoid anyone who says any of these things as I work full time

 

 

I've only dated 3 men from OLD for longer than one date and each and every one of them wanted a LOT of daily contact (two of them worked and even then they worked on their own all day so had opportunity to text/call any time). All of them stated from the start just as I had that they were busy people with hobbies and all of them ended up being very jealous that my work took up time and was important to me. (FYI I work 9-5.30 through the week with certain times when I work later and also occasionally work a few hours on a weekend if needed).

One even told me to quit my job to give me more time for him (Really!!??). This is the job that pays my mortgage, my bills, pays for my food.

 

 

Perhaps the emotional unavailability (or perception of) in each case should be weighed up against constant demands for contact and smothering that some people do.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I'd say that a woman saying that is that she has things going on and isn't going to be free for contact or dates at certain times.

It's not being EU.

Many men's profiles state that they are their own boss so can pick and choose their hours so can be free just about any time.

Many men's profiles say they would devote 24/7 to someone they meet.

Many men are retired and therefore have all day every day free.

I avoid anyone who says any of these things as I work full time

 

 

I've only dated 3 men from OLD for longer than one date and each and every one of them wanted a LOT of daily contact (two of them worked and even then they worked on their own all day so had opportunity to text/call any time). All of them stated from the start just as I had that they were busy people with hobbies and all of them ended up being very jealous that my work took up time and was important to me. (FYI I work 9-5.30 through the week with certain times when I work later and also occasionally work a few hours on a weekend if needed).

One even told me to quit my job to give me more time for him (Really!!??). This is the job that pays my mortgage, my bills, pays for my food.

 

 

Perhaps the emotional unavailability (or perception of) in each case should be weighed up against constant demands for contact and smothering that some people do.

 

I take it these guys were retired or something? Working 9 to 5:30 is no biggie...as I know people that work 60 to 80 hr weeks making it near impossible for them to date. I am kind of dumfounded as to why someone would work 80 hrs a week, I'd purposely avoid even applying for such positions if they demanded that much time from my weekends.

 

I enjoy my weekends off. :-)

[LookAtThisPOst]

On the other hand, where I work, there are married /dating couples that not only work in the same building, but come to work and go home together...and spend every waking moment together.

 

This woman, a newlywed of about 1 year, but had lived with this guy for around 3 years...dated for 5...when I asked her, "So you guys have any plans for the weekend."

 

Her: "Meh, just doing housework, cleaning up, lounging around the house"

 

Both her and his relatives live close, so they sometimes like to "pop in", so when her and her "hubby" are alone, she tries to make the house appear unoccupied by turning out all the lights and hope her mom doesn't show up. She said it jokingly, lovingly of course...but apparently they are joined at the hip.

 

THEY even take lunch breaks together at a park.

 

Sometimes they'll post sweet notes on each other's FB page. lol

 

Of course, this is the small town mentality of people where their focus relies on their significant other. Socially, you may see them pop up for a Christmas party once a year, but that's the extent of them being sociable.

 

I'm starting to wonder when they'll get tired of each other.

 

There's another couple at work that does the same...you'd think eventually it'd let up. This one guy, he has a g/f of 7 years...she goes away to a week long work related event to a city 2 hrs away, and already he's pining for her on her FB page. lol Some may think it's sweet...but...I dunno...it is what it is. LOL

[salparadise]

Sounds like the excuses people give in their online dating profiles saying, "I'm busy with nursing school, my kids, and the family dog...so you'll need to understand that!"

 

So they are making themselves unavailable (thought not emotionally, but seems to wear the spots as such)...purposely to give those fair warning, "I'll date you when I am able to pencil you into my schedule."

 

C'mon, this thread is about emotional unavailability and it's a damn interesting topic. It's not the same as being busy, not even close, and to discuss them in parallel as if they're part-in-parcel is of one another makes me cringe.

 

Whenever you see a list of causes/symptoms like is in the linked article, try to avoid being in literal mode and seek to understand the essence of what is being described. Sure, most people probably tick off one or two of those items, but that doesn't mean anything in-and-of-itself.

[salparadise]

lol, I'm serious though.

 

I know you are... which is what makes it so damn funny!